Will You Still Love Me
by Latenightmom
Summary: "It would have just been life." But would it have been enough? Will and Alicia married after law school. Years later, their marriage is in trouble. Alicia wants a separation, and leaves one snowy night ending up in an accident. When she wakes up she doesn't remember who she is, or anyone else, with amnesia of the worst kind. Will they fall in love again, or is this the end?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N 1. I've had this written for some time, and decided to publish it. After the first few chapters this will be a whole lot of A/W goodness! Will has to see if he can get Alicia to fall in love with him all over again! Diane and Kurt will play a big role in this as well, because who doesn't love them?! And Diane's been a big part of their lives in this one. I will cover more of everyone's backgrounds in following chapters. Feedback is always helpful, and welcomed!  
**

 **A/N 2. As always I don't own The Good Wife, or its characters.**

Life is filled with moments that within a matter of seconds steer the course in which we take those lives. It was a string of these defining moments that brought Alicia and Will together, and another string of moments that began tearing them apart years later. Sometimes the most difficult, unexpected moments, are the ones that truly define us. In the most difficult of times we find out who we really are, what we really want, and if we're willing to sacrifice to gain back what we once had. It was just life Will and Alicia had, but was it enough?

"You have to make the decision Will," Diane said, sullenly sitting across from him in his office. "You are the only one who can decide if you and Alicia get a second chance, or if you want to put the past behind you, and never look back."

He sighed heavily. "I know."

"Do you still love her?"

He looked into his partners eyes. The woman who'd held him together over the past week. "Yes, but I don't if she still loves me."

"It doesn't matter if she did or didn't a week ago. All that matters now, is if you still love her."

A decision Will Gardner would have to make days after Alicia had packed a bag, and left him sitting on the sofa in their front room, scotch in hand, trying to figure out what had gone so wrong between them. She'd intended for them to separate. _"We need some time apart Will."_ Words that continued to run through his mind as he finished the scotch, placing the empty glass in the sink. Nothing like a little alcohol to numb the anger, and hurt he felt. He made a final lap around the house, turning out the lights, checking the locks, when a knock came to the door.

 _Maybe Alicia changed her mind, realized how hard this would be on the kids._ He thought as he approached the front door to their home. _No, she wouldn't knock on her own front door._

He opened the door to find a uniformed officer standing on the front porch. Despite his simmering anger, his heart sank just a bit knowing that at eleven at night in a heavy snow storm this wouldn't be good news.

"Mr. Gardner?" the officer asked.

"Yes"

"Your wife is Alicia Gardner?"

Will had been furious at her just an hour before, and she at him. Now he was beginning to regret the last words he'd said to her.

" _If you walk out that door, I won't be willing to try and fix our marriage anymore. I'll get full custody of the kids, and your exit package from the firm won't be anywhere near what you'll want."_

He hadn't meant the part about the kids, but the words came out before he could stop himself from saying it. That was the only moment Alicia hesitated before grabbing the doorknob and leaving. He also knew Diane would never allow him to cut Alicia a bad deal. In fact there was a chance Diane would side with her, and he'd be the one booted out.

"Yes, she is," he said, with a deep sigh.

"We're very sorry to have to tell you this, but your wife has been in a serious automobile accident. We're here to escort you to the hospital."

Will stood motionless for a few moments. Yes, he and Alicia were at odds, their relationship was crumbling – or so it seemed. But the man standing in front of him in the falling snow was telling him he may never have a chance to speak to her again. And somewhere deep down, beneath all the pain of the past months, he felt his heart being ripped from his chest.

"Dad," Will was brought out of his thoughts by the sound of his son. He turned to see Zach standing on the bottom step behind him, tousled hair, a blanket wrapped around him. "What's wrong with mom?" The eleven year old had been there long enough to hear what the officer had said.

Will looked from him, to the officer, and then back again. "Your mom's been in an accident. But the doctors are fixing her right now. Okay?" He placed his hands on Zach's shoulders to reassure him. "I need to go to the hospital to be with your mom. I'm going to call Mrs. Hansen down the street to come and stay with you and Grace for the night. I'll call Uncle Owen, or Diane and Kurt to come stay with you in the morning. Everything will be okay. Go back to bed. You have a big game tomorrow."

Zach nodded his head skeptically at his father, but obeyed by turning and ascending back up the stairs to his room.

* * *

All Will could think about on the ride to the hospital was their time at Georgetown together.

The first moment he'd laid eyes on her at that orientation pool parry. The party she'd been dragged to by her roommate before their first semester of law school. Her eyes had placed a permanent mark on his that night, without a word ever being exchanged.

People wondered a year later how these two opposites had become friends. Both were smart, witty, and near the top of their class. But Alicia did everything by the books. She took everything seriously, from her grades to dating. If you wanted to study with her, you were welcomed, but you'd better have something to contribute. If you wanted a date, you were welcome to ask, but you better have a plan. And under no circumstances should kissing Alicia Cavanaugh on that first date, be a part of your plan.

Will on the other hand, studied as much as he needed too, but he was rarely serious about anything. He could study with five other people in the room, and loud music playing. He was good looking, all the girls knew him. All of them wanted to date him, just so they could say they had. He was usually willing to kiss a girl, or more, on a first date.

Their second semester of law school was the first time Will and Alicia spoke to each other - another defining moment. Alicia's alarm hadn't gone off one snowy January morning. She was late to Criminal Law 101. The only seat left in the room when she arrived, fifteen minutes late, was next to Will on the back row. Someplace she never sat. Because that alarm clock hadn't gone off, and she ended up sitting next to him, they were assigned to do a group project together with three other classmates. Alicia knew of Will's reputation, and tried to get herself put into a different group. The professor didn't care how much she wanted to switch groups. A few days later she was surprised to find a very intelligent, decent human being behind the player she'd always heard about.

That didn't mean they got along. They argued – constantly – over everything. They argued over what to eat when their study group got together, and which cases needed to be included in their mock briefs for the professor.

It was clear to everyone - but the two of them - that there was definitely an attraction between the two. As time went on, they could grow so angry at one another they'd swear to never speak to the other again. Yet, for some reason they couldn't go for more than two days without seeing the other. Everyone was grateful when the group project was over.

Near the end of the semester Will asked her out. "No!" She didn't even think twice. "It's two weeks before finals. You're welcome to study with me, but no dating."

He agreed to her terms. If studying was the only way he could spend time with her he was willing to do it. They found that studying together without the pressure of a grade dependent upon the other, was quite pleasant – even fun.

They spent their first summer internships in D.C. at separate firms. Their friendship continued. They spent more and more time together, and the arguing subsided some. They both continued to date other people, and thought it was ridiculous when people said they should just date each other. They were just friends, to opposite to date. Alicia attended some of his baseball games during the summer and he spent the occasional Friday night watching a movie with her that he would never choose on his own.

In the fall they remained friends, but Peter Florrick entered Alicia's life one rainy night in October.

Will frowned at the memory now, looking out the window at the falling snow.

" _Will, he was such a gentleman. He let me borrow his coat in the rain. He's a year ahead of us. He has a job to go to after graduation at one of Chicago's best firms."_

He remembered how happy she'd been that day when she shown up to their study group a half hour late because she'd had lunch with Peter. He also remembered that instance as being the first moment where he felt jealousy, and a little possessive of his best friend. They weren't defined, they'd never set boundaries, or rules, they were just friends. But that was the first time he realized that maybe he wasn't interested in anyone but Alicia.

As the police car made its way through the snowy Chicago streets, he remembered how Peter had just three months before, become a partial cause to their marital undoing. Something that even just six months prior Will would have said was impossible. The warm September afternoon a year and some months after graduation when he placed the diamond ring on Alicia's finger, they had made vows to each other that neither one ever thought could be broken. No one sitting in the audience at the ceremony that day would have thought otherwise either.

If you asked anyone who knew them back then, Alicia and Will had it all. Successful careers, a fully furnished apartment in a good New York neighborhood. And most of all they had love. A love that was evident every time they looked at each other, every time they saw each other, every time they talked to anyone about the other. Theirs was the stuff dreams, and fairy tales were made of. If there were ever two people who were meant to be together, it was Alicia and Will.

The news wasn't good when they reached the hospital. She was in surgery – they were trying to put her back together. Even if she made it through surgery, she'd sustained some head trauma in the accident. They would leave her in a medically induced coma until the swelling on her brain went down. They'd just have to wait until she woke up to know the extent of the damage.

Will pulled out his phone and dialed Diane who had known them since Will started working for her right out of law school.

"Will, its midnight, can't this wait until morning?" Diane said, before ever saying hello.

"Diane, something's happened. It's Alicia."

* * *

In the early hours of the morning he sat next to Alicia in the ICU, grateful Diane and Kurt would be at the house when Grace and Zach woke up. Yet, he was struggling with the flood of emotions that had come over him. Guilt, anger, sadness, anxiety, and deep down, love. There was still a place where he held Alicia in his heart. A place that in a few days time, he would have to decide to unbury, or leave behind forever.


	2. Dinner Conversation

**A/N; Thank you all so much, for the wonderful reviews and follows! I appreciate the support! Since it's Sunday nearly everywhere but here by now, Happy Good Wife Sunday! Only two episodes left, I'm still in denial!**

It was evening before Will decided it was time to go home and take the kids off Kurt and Diane's hands. That, and he was exhausted. He'd been able to sleep on and off during the day, but the uncomfortable chair next to Alicia's bed, combined with the constant intrusion of nurses checking on her, hadn't led to much sleep. He took one last glance at her sleeping body, running his thumb over her hand that had been cradled in his, before exiting her room.

The candid conversation he'd had with her doctor earlier in the day, played over and over in his mind as he rode in a cab to get home.

" _What are we really looking at when she wakes up?" Will had asked._

" _With head injuries, it's hard to say. We can expect any number of outcomes," the doctor replied._

" _Such as?"_

" _She may wake up fine, and the only injuries she'll need to recover from will be her broken rib, the wound in her leg, and cuts and bruising. She may suffer from some memory loss, be unable to recall events from her short term memory like the accident." The doctor looked away for a brief moment. "Worst case, she'll suffer from a permanent head injury, have to learn everything all over again."_

" _Everything?"_

" _Yes, speech, walking, writing, reading."_

Will had asked for an honest answer. The doctor hadn't sugar coating anything. The reality of it all hadn't fully sunk in as he entered the house just as everyone had sat down to dinner.

"Dad, when can we go see mom?" Grace questioned, in the middle of the meal.

Will looked over to Diane briefly, before answering. "Grace, Mom is... sleeping right now. She has to rest until her head gets better. There really isn't much to do right now."

"I know Dad. Diane told us. She's in a medically induced coma, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't see her." Grace was nine, going on fifteen it seemed sometimes. Will imagined this was exactly how Alicia had been at an early age, smart, serious, right to the point, and wise beyond her years. It didn't help that she looked, and acted just like her mother. With her long, dark, wavy brown hair, and hazel eyes, that could command with one look.

"Grace, I just think it would be better to wait until she wakes up. There all kinds of tubes hooked up to her right now. Her head is bandaged. She doesn't even look like herself. I don't want it to frighten you two."

"I heard it's good to talk to people who are in a coma," Zach interrupted.

Diane continued to watch the exchange between Will and his children. Will was low on sleep, and she could see the vain in his forehead pulsing. Which meant he was doing everything he could to remain calm.

"Yes, but that usually applies to people who are in comas for longer than a few days. I just think it would be best if we wait until she wakes up," Will countered.

"Well, I don't want to wait! What if she dies?" Grace said, raising her voice in anger.

"She isn't going to die! Lower your voice Grace!" Will said sternly.

"She might, and if she does it will be your fault we never got to see her!" Grace yelled, throwing her napkin on the table, running up the stairs to her room, slamming the door behind her.

"Grace!" Will stood. He was appalled at her behavior in front of Diane and Kurt.

"Will," Diane said, calmly. He paused and looked at her. "It's okay, give her some space. This is hard on everyone. She misses her mother. She's scared."

He sighed, running a hand over his face. "Yeah," he said, sitting back in his chair.

"That's not the only reason she's upset, I mean it is but..." Zach offered.

The three adults at the table all turned their attention to Zach. "What do you mean?" Will asked.

"She and Mom got into a big argument two days ago. She was supposed to pick us up from school, and then help Grace with a school project for next week. Mom forgot or something. Abby had to come pick us up." Abby was the long time family nanny, who'd helped raise the kids when Alicia had gone back to work after each of her maternity leaves.

"Grace called her when we got home, and mom said she couldn't come. That they would have to work on the project over the weekend. Grace told her she hated her, that all she cared about was work, and then hung up."

Will and Diane exchanged a look. Alicia had taken that afternoon off. Unbeknownst to Diane, Will hadn't known the reason for Alicia's absence either. Will had his suspicions, which triggered their argument the previous night.

"She and mom didn't have a chance to talk after that."

"Because your mom was still sleeping when you two went to school yesterday, came home after you went to bed, and now she's in the hospital." It was more of a statement from Will than a question.

"Yes," Zach nodded in agreement.

"Grace doesn't want those to be the last words she ever said to her mother," Diane stated, placing a finger to her chin.

Will sighed again. "Your mom was supposed to pick you up from school? She doesn't usually do that." There were a million things running through his mind. Foremost was Alicia's seeming lack of interest in the kids over the past while. He understood her distancing herself from him. But until recently, the kids had been Alicia's top priority.

"Yes, she and Grace had plans."

"Okay, I'll talk to Grace. Maybe we can go see her tomorrow. How was your game today?" Will wanted to change topics before their family issues became a burden for Kurt and Diane.

"It was great! We won! Only two games left in the season. If we win both, we move on to the finals!" Zach said, enthusiastically. He was currently playing on a junior league basketball team.

"I think you may have an NBA pro in the makings there!" Kurt said, getting up to help Diane clear the table.

Zach smiled sheepishly.

"Tell your dad how many points you scored today!" Kurt urged on with a grin.

"Only six, but I had five rebounds!"

Will smiled. Grace may carry many of Alicia's traits, but Zach shared his enthusiasm for sports. "Six points is great! When is your next practice?"

"Wednesday. Coach wanted to know if you could help with a practice in a few weeks if we move on to the finals. I told him I wasn't sure."

"I'll work it out!" Will looked over to Kurt with a grin. "Or, we could send Kurt!" Everyone chuckled.

"Only if you want them to lose the following week! There are many things I can teach a group of boys. Fishing, car repairs, how to clean a rifle, but basketball is not one of them!"

"Oh, come on, after everything you taught these two knuckle heads last summer, I'm sure basketball couldn't be all that difficult!" Will teased.

Kurt and Diane had known each other for five years, and been married for two. The previous summer he had taken Diane, Will, Alicia, and the kids on a camping adventure. It had been years since Will and Alicia had camped in a tent, and Diane - the last time she'd been camping was in college. Will and Alicia had taken the kids hiking several times over the years, but they'd never camped out under the stars. Alicia preferred a hotel bed, and running water when they vacationed.

Kurt had been in his element, Will recalled. He and Will had taken the kids fishing early in the morning on the first day of their long weekend adventure. They had each caught a fish, and then scared Diane and Alicia half to death when all they put in the frying pan for breakfast were the fish heads. Even Grace had paid particular attention to Kurt when he had taught the three of them how to properly clean a fish.

Kurt had also taught the kids how to build a proper fire, and the perfect technique for roasting marshmallows. The kids had taken every single word Kurt said to them very seriously. Even the part about the silly dance made them do around the fire before they went to bed to keep the wild animals away. The dance was part Indian folk, and part seventies hippy moves. They had laughed for nearly half an hour afterwards. Kurt had also given all of them a star gazing lesson, where everyone had learned a thing or two.

The following Monday, while both Alicia and Diane had enjoyed themselves. They were both glad to have gotten back to the comfort of their own beds, and long hot showers. However, Will had been put on their naughty list after sending an email around the firm with a photo depicting Alicia and Diane sitting in their camping chairs, feet up, water bottles in hand, sunglasses, and hats on. Which was how the two women had spent a majority of their three days away. A far cry from the tailored jackets, dresses, and high heels, the two women were more accustomed too.

Alicia and Diane had vowed to delete the photo from Will's phone, and withhold new clients from him for two months. It never happened, and somehow a small framed print of the photo had managed to find a permanent spot on a shelf in Alicia's office.

/

Everyone chuckled again. "Kurt and I should be off," Diane said, heading for the hall closet to retrieve their coats.

"Zach, say goodbye to Kurt and Diane, then run upstairs and get ready for bed."

Zach complied, and headed up the stairs.

"Thank you both so much!" Will said, helping Diane with her coat.

"It's no problem! We're like family. Keep us posted, and don't come into work Monday. We can manage without you for a few days," Diane said, as they headed for the door.

"We'll see. I might need the distraction, and even under the best of circumstances, Alicia will be out at least six weeks. We'll need to figure out what to do with her current cases," Will admitted.

Diane paused at the door. "Will, it's none of my business, but it's not like Alicia to forget about the kids."

Will sighed. "I know."

"And what was she doing driving home so late last night? Her case load is pretty light right now."

"Alicia wasn't coming home from work when she got into the accident."

Diane raised a brow, just as Zach reappeared.

"Dad, I can't find any clean pajamas! Mom was going to do the laundry today."

"Okay, why don't you put on a clean t-shirt and some basketball shorts. We'll figure it out tomorrow." Zach nodded, and headed back upstairs.

"Are you going to be okay? Do you want me to take some laundry home?" Diane said, a concerned and skeptical line crossing her lips.

"Yes, we'll manage, but I may have to call for dinner ideas by the end of the week!"

Diane chuckled. "Don't call me for that! Kurt's the cook in this marriage!" They all chuckled.

"Okay, we'll talk Monday."

"Let us know if you need anything. We'll go see Alicia tomorrow."

Will nodded, closing the door behind them.

* * *

Diane was quiet on the drive home. "You okay?" Kurt questioned.

"Yes, I'm just worried about them. Alicia's behavior over the past few weeks has been off.

"Maybe they're having marital problems."

Diane couldn't help but chuckle a bit. "Will and Alicia?"

"Sure, everyone has ... issues every so often."

"Yes, but I can usually tell when they're not happy with one another. They haven't shown any of their usual signs lately. Like the glares at each other across the conference table. Or both agreeing profusely with whatever I suggest about firm finances. And let's not forget the real clincher, ripping a witness to shreds on the witness stand, or in depositions. No, I think the issue lies in Alicia. Will's seemed to take extra care in complimenting her, offering to help with cases lately, while Alicia's seemed to push back.

"Maybe she's sick, cancer or something?"

"Could be, but why they keep that from us?"

"Maybe she's expecting again?"

"No, Alicia's not pregnant," Diane said, in a very serious tone.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because they took measures to prevent that from ever happening again five years ago after she gave birth to a still born."

"Ahh"

"That was the most difficult thing I've ever had to watch them go through. It could have torn them apart, but I think it brought them closer together, if that were even possible. It wasn't easy. There were times I thought they may not make it, but they pulled through. That's why I don't think their marriage is in trouble. I've seen what that looks like, and this isn't it."

* * *

Will entered Grace's room, and sat on the bed next to her. Some of the books Alicia used to read to her were spread out on her bed. She was curled up with the blanket Alicia had made for her when she was a toddler, her cheeks still shone evidence of the tears she'd likely shed when she'd come to her room. "Grace, I'm sorry I snapped at you. I'll take you to see mom tomorrow if you want."

She sat up, moving closer to him. "Daddy, I'm scared. What if she dies, and I never have a chance to tell her I'm sorry? I told her I hated her."

Will wrapped his arms around her pulling her into his chest. He and Grace had always been close, but she had been more attached to Alicia from the day she was born.

"I promise mom isn't going to die. The doctors did a really good job of fixing her," he said, soothingly rubbing her back. "Now tell me about this project you were going to do with her."

Grace explained career day was coming up the following week. She was going to interview Alicia. After she did the interview she was supposed to write a one page report on what she thought it would be like to have the career of the person she'd interviewed. Then after going to work with Alicia for a half day the following week, she was supposed to compare what she thought it would be like, to what she had experienced.

"Why don't you interview me?" Will said, pulling back from her. "You know, I do the same thing as your mom!"

"You're not a girl dad," she replied, indignantly.

He chuckled, "True, but does it matter?"

"Yes!" She had the same look on her face that Alicia got when she thought he had said something ridiculous.

He was too tired to ask why it mattered. "Then why don't you interview Diane? She's a lawyer just like your mom and I."

"I know! I guess I'll do that. She was my plan B anyway!"

He wasn't sure how he felt about being bumped into third position, but he let it go. "We can call her tomorrow. You should get to sleep."

"Can I sleep with you?"

He brushed the loose hair back behind her ear with his hand. "Sure! Maybe Zach would like to sleep with us too!"

A smile crossed Grace's lips.

"It's the weekend. Maybe we could watch a movie in bed before we go to sleep!" Will suggested, standing.

Grace looked away. "No, that's kind of moms thing, all of us in your bed watching a movie, eating her popcorn – what ever that concoction is she makes. I'd rather wait and do it when she comes home," she glanced back up at Will.

Will smiled. Alicia had a popcorn recipe that was a mix of caramel, and whatever else they had lying around, marshmallows, chocolate bars, pretzels, or all depending on the day. Way more sugar than any of them needed. "Okay, but you and Zach will have to suffer through me reading your favorite bedtime story instead!" he teased.

"You do know mom hid those books right?" Grace smiled back at him. Will had a few books from his childhood, that neither the kids, nor Alicia cared for. He'd insisted the kids hear them, claiming they were children's classics. Alicia had never heard of any of them. On occasion he'd pull them out, and read to everyone.

"No, I didn't know that," he responded, with a slight chuckle. Alicia had cared for them the least.

"She didn't want to throw them away since they were yours when you grew up, but after you read to all of us the last time she hid them. Kind of as a joke. I think she was hoping that you'd let it go if you couldn't find them."

He smiled as they exited her room, and headed for Zach's. "Remind me to ask her where she hid them!"

"Not a chance dad!"

Will lay awake, Grace on one side, Zach on the other. At that particular moment he wasn't concerned about what happened between him and Alicia. He was more worried about the state she would be in when she woke up. There was one thing certain above all else. Zach and Grace still needed their mother.


	3. The Fog

**A/N; Thank you all so much for the follows. I've been overwhelmed by the warm response to this!**

 **This chapter takes the first look at Alicia's mental state after the accident. Through some research, I've tried to depict an accurate view of what things might be like for someone with similar injuries, and the type of amnesia I intend to pose her with.  
**

Everything seemed foggy in the beginning as the medication continued to ware off. Her eyes remained closed, the muffled noise around her seemed to get closer, becoming more clear. She couldn't focus, everything in her mind seemed to be a jumbled up mess. She focused on the beeping sound that seemed to be getting closer to her ear, as she slowly opened her eyes.

Her first thoughts were those of confusion. The room was small, only a few chairs, walls without paintings, and the machines making the beeping noises, seemed to be all that was there. She had no idea where she was. If she had to guess, a hospital, but she wasn't even sure if that was the right term. The more she tried to concentrate, the worse the throbbing pain in her head became.

 _The pain –_ was excruciating, and seemed to envelop her whole body from the top of her head, reaching all the way down her legs. Her throat hurt, and it was painful to even breathe. She became scared. An unnerving sense of unfamiliarity consumed her. Why was she here and why was she in so much pain? She lifted her arm to her head noticing the tubing attached to her arm, feeling the bandage wrapped around her head. She wondered if the tubing and bandaging were the cause of the pain, giving some thought to pulling all of it off. Just then two people, one in a white medical jacket, the other in scrubs, entered the room. They both seemed surprised to see her staring back at them.

The man in the white coat turned to the other. "Go call Mr. Gardner," he said, approaching Alicia's bed.

 _Mr. Gardner_ – the name held no meaning to her.

She continued to watch him as he placed a gentle hand on her arm. "Alicia," he said, looking at her. Her eyes scanned the room, but no one else was there. She determined he was speaking to her, and that "Alicia" must be her name.

"I'm Dr. Miller."

She continued to watch, and listen to him as he checked her head, and shone a bright light into her eyes. "You were in an automobile accident. Do you remember?" He pulled a chair up next to her bed and sat in it.

She searched her memory for a few moments before trying to respond. It took some effort to formulate the word, but she was able to get it out. "No," she said, in a raspy voice.

He smiled and seemed pleased that she'd answered. He continued to explain her injuries, some of which she understood, broken rib, severe gash in her leg. Some she didn't, head injury. said right after something about an MRI.

"On a scale from one to ten, one being you feel fine, ten the pain is unbearable, how do feel?"

Again it took some time to process _scale, one, ten,_ but she managed to understand what he was asking. "Ten," she admitted. All she wanted to do was close her eyes and go back to sleep in an attempt to get rid of the pain.

The nurse returned. Alicia looked her up and down, just as she had the doctor, but was less hesitant now that she knew they were trying to help her, instead of inflicting more pain upon her. Two other nurses entered her room. The team gave her more morphine, another term she didn't completely understand. Only that it would help with her pain. The doctor tried to encourage her to do a few more tasks. "Can you wiggle your toes? Can you lift your left leg a few inches off the bed?" Wiggle her toes - she could. Lift her leg - no.

He seemed content for the moment, and told her he'd be back in awhile. Two of the nurses followed him out, the other stayed for a few minutes to make sure she was comfortable. Raising the bed some so her ribs wouldn't hurt so much, and helped her take a few sips of water for her dry mouth and throat.

"Get some more rest," she said, as she got near the door. "Your husband is on his way!" The nurse smiled and exited the room.

 _Husband?_ It would be twenty-four hours before she could somewhat piece together what that term meant, and something she would have a difficult time comprehending when she barely recognized her own name. Let alone, a whole family she was apparently the wife and mother to. Her sense of fear didn't subside, but she was able to fall back asleep, probably due to the effects of the morphine.

* * *

Will entered the room again, after having made a phone call to Diane with an update. He'd been there all afternoon. She had opened her eyes a few more times, but before he could get more than a few words out, she would close them again, falling back into sleep. They may have been in a bad place four days earlier, but he certainly wasn't about to leave her alone in her condition in the hospital. It pained him to see her in what he could only imagine was awful pain. She had bruises all over her thin body. Her hands were bruised and swollen. Her chest looked awful, and her face and arms still shown evidence of cuts from the shattered windshield glass. Even in her sleep she would wince in pain periodically. It was difficult to see her in this condition, though the kids had handled it fairly well two days prior.

In the early evening she opened her eyes, and looked at him blankly. He didn't know if the blank stare of non-recognition, was intentional because of what had happened between them days before, or if it was the affects of the medication.

He made the first attempt at communicating. "Hey, Leesh!" he said, with a genuine smile. Truth be told, he was glad she was finally awake. He moved closer to her placing a gentle kiss on her bandaged forehead, and then sat in the chair next to her bed, taking her hand into his.

"How are you?"

She couldn't place this man sitting next to her, but there was something about his eyes, the way he looked at her, that seemed familiar, and led her to believe he was not one of the medical staff. That she and this man must have some sort of different relationship. He had just kissed her, and was now holding her hand. _Husband –_ maybe this was the "husband" the nurse had mentioned to her. Though she still couldn't figure out what that really meant. There was something in the way he looked at her, that led her to immediately hold some sense of trust in him. Trust that she would come to rely on heavily in the following months.

Again, it took a few moments for her to process his question, and formulate a response. "I hurt," she responded. "It hurts all over," she continued.

He looked down at her bruised hand briefly. "I bet," he looked back up into her eyes. "I'll ask the nurse when you can have more medication. Leesh, I'm so sorry. I never meant for this to happen. I should have found a way to make you stay, not let you leave that night in the middle of an awful storm."

She had no idea what he was talking about, and didn't respond. He sighed, and looked away. He took this as a sign that he was just going to have to accept the fact that, despite her injuries, she was still angry at him.

"How about we put our differences aside until you recover?" he said, turning his attention back to her. "Alicia, I still love you, you're still my wife. I understand you're upset, although I'm still trying to understand what went so wrong five months ago that brought us to the place we are in now. That being said, I'm here for you. I'll support you in what ever you need. When you're fully recovered we can figure out what to do."

She continued to listen, but the blank look in her eyes, never faded. The only words she really held onto were "I'm here for you, I'll support you". That must mean he intended to stay, or at least come back frequently. She decided she would like him to stay. She liked the warm touch of his hand to her freezing one. She liked the way he dressed, nice slacks, and a button up shirt that he had rolled at the sleeves. He talked differently to her than the medical staff.

"How does that sound for a plan?" he asked.

"Good, I guess," she responded, in her still raspy voice left from the breathing tube that had been removed hours earlier. She figured this was a good response to his question.

"I'm cold," she said, continuing to gaze into his eyes.

A gentle smile crossed his lips. "I'll get one of those heated blankets for you! Remember, you couldn't get enough of those when you were here in labor with the kids!"

She smiled back, because it had caused him to smile, but didn't say anything. He got up and left the room. _Labor, kids?_ Kids she understood, but what did labor and kids have to do with each other? Their conversation had been taxing on her mind, and she was beginning to feel the same fog coming over her that she'd woken with earlier in the day.

He returned a few minutes later, and placed the warm blanket over her. "I'll have the kids wait a few days before they come to see you," he said next.

"Kids?" she questioned.

He looked at her strangely for a moment, and then remembered the doctor said she may have some memory lapses because of the head injury. He chuckled. "Yes! Grace and Zach, our two children!"

She committed to memory the names – _Grace, Zach, children -_ then realized she didn't know his name. She was about to ask when the door opened, and the doctor appeared again.

"Will," the doctor said, holding out his hand for Will to shake. "How's our patient?" he smiled, turning his attention to Alicia.

 _Will_ – so that was this mans name. She stored the information with the few other things she'd gathered from the day.

* * *

Between, Owen, Abby, and Will's mother who'd flown in, Will was able to stay with Alicia for numerous hours in the following few days. Will explained to the kids, that it would be best for them to visit their mother after she'd had time to recover some. They accepted the explanation, even if they didn't like it.

Alicia was moved her from the ICU to a private room, which was larger and much more comfortable than the ICU had been.

Doctors began the process of assessing the extent of damage from her injuries. It was difficult to know if she would be able to walk on her own. She needed to stay off her leg for a few more days before they would allow her to try and walk. She had good mobility in her arms, but her hands were still swollen, so trying to write wasn't an option. She could read, at least simple words, it was still difficult to tell fully, because it remained a challenge for her to get more than a few words at a time out of her mouth.

This was frustrating for her. Her mind seemed to be working faster than her mouth, and by the end of the second day of questioning, she grew quite angry, very atypical of her personality. She told everyone to leave her alone. Mood swings like this, the likes of which Will had never seen from her, would be likely for a few weeks, even months, the doctor told him. Her brain needed time to heal.

Her mind was the biggest question on everyone's list. They still had no clue she didn't know who she was, or who any of them were. She knew them by name, the doctors, nurses, physical therapist she'd been introduced to, and Will, because she'd committed them to memory. But her past was still a blank slate. She was afraid of admitting her lack of knowledge of her past. She felt embarrassed she couldn't recall any of the details, and thought everyone would treat her like a child if she admitted such a thing.

At the same time, she seemed to have a held onto a broad spectrum of random knowledge. She knew what most things were if shown a picture, but couldn't always tell you how they worked. She was told her procedural, and short term memory seemed to be working just fine. And the doctors assumed her long term memory, while there seemed to be gaps from what little she was willing to discuss, was still in working order. The truth however, was that it was gone – erased - her knowledge of this held her in a constant state of worry, and nervousness. In a few days time the doctors wanted to do another MRI to get a good look at her brain. She didn't know it at the time, but after the MRI and some more questioning, her secret would be out.

* * *

Will had been in her office all afternoon going through the numerous files on her desk, piecing her latest cases together. Thank heavens they had a backup of her files on the firm system. Her laptop had been in her work bag on the front seat of the car when she'd gotten into the accident, and had been damaged. The firm's IT people were trying to pull anything they could from it, but after being thrown from the car, and exposed to the wet snow, there wasn't a lot they could do.

There were a few things that were still eating at him as he sat on the sofa in her office late in the evening. His conversations with her over the past three days had been short, at least on her end. He talked to her frequently, but she rarely gave more than a few words in response. He understood, and didn't push her. Even in the three days since she'd woken up, she seemed to be able to speak a few more words at a time. It would take more time he'd decided, before she would be able to talk and act like the Alicia he knew.

His eyes wandered from the paintings on the walls, to the bookcase that held her law books, and some photos. Instinctively, his gaze fell to the photos that sat behind her desk. There were a few of the kids, and one of the two of them that had been taken three years earlier on their anniversary. He inhaled deeply, the scent of office supplies intermingled with scents of her perfume, and favorite lotion. He'd never realized before how her office smelt just like her. He realized in this moment of uncertainty and constant turmoil of emotions, that he missed seeing her sitting behind her desk - an image that had become so natural, and familiar to him.

"You should go home, and be with the kids," Diane said, entering the office, sitting across from him.

"Owen is there," he said, continuing to stare out the large window.

Diane studied him for a few moments. He looked as though he hadn't slept in the four days since Alicia had woken up. "You want to talk about it?" she offered, knowing how difficult this must be on him, even though he'd seemed like a rock holding everything together.

He sighed, and stood, placing his hands in his pockets, moving closer to the window. "Was Alicia having an affair?"

Diane was caught completely off guard, and didn't respond as she digested what he'd just said.

"What?"

Will turned and faced her. "You're Alicia's closest friend. You two talk all the time, about everything. Was she having an affair?"

"Will, I... I..." she was at a complete loss for words.

He continued to stare at her, his features turning cold. "Diane, it's a simple yes or no question."


	4. Undoing

**A/N; Thank you all for the warm response to this story, as well as for all of the reviews.**

 _Was Alicia having an affair?_ The words sounded foreign. Never in all her years of knowing her two partners would Diane have guessed he would utter such a question. The stern look on his face told her he believed he already knew the answer to the question, and it broke her heart.

"I have no idea Will. I can't imagine Alicia would cheat on you."

He sighed heavily, turning away from her. "Five months Diane. She hasn't said anything?" He was clearly frustrated.

"No, but why are you asking? It sounds like you already know the answer."

"I can't prove it, and Alicia's denied it several times. She hasn't said anything to you? You don't have to protect her. Certainly Alicia told you some of what's been going on between us the past few months," he said, in an accusing tone.

She stood folding her arms across her chest. "Stop right there Will. I didn't know you two were having any trouble. Years ago after we all became partners, Alicia and I came to an understanding. If we were going to continue to be friends and business partners - with you, her husband as our third partner - we had to be clear on what was appropriate to discuss."

"You and Alicia talk about everything," he shot back.

"Yes, everything but marital discontent. I have to be able to remain objective when it comes to the firm. I can't be objective if I only know one side to a marital argument. Alicia and I share many things. Work, our hopes, dreams, the funny and sometimes annoying things our husbands do. But the rule was, we never share hurtful, negative things about you or Kurt. There are some things in relationships that need to remain between the two people involved."

He sighed, and moved back to the sofa. "Okay, I respect and appreciate that, but Alicia wanted a separation, and I'm still trying to figure out what happened between us. I thought maybe you could shed some light on it."

"She what?" Diane said, with raised brow. If his revelation about Alicia possibly having an affair hadn't been surprising enough, this was the last thing she expected him to say.

"She left me Friday night. She came home from work late - as has been her custom the past few months. We got into an argument. She said we needed to separate for awhile. She was on her way to a hotel when she got into the accident."

He ran his hands over his face, in exhaustion. "The thing I can't figure out is how she could just leave without what seemed like any care for Grace and Zach. She and I have been distant for a few months now, but she'd distanced herself from the kids as well in the past few weeks.

"The kids were her whole life," Diane stated, sitting down across from him again, her concern for her partners growing with every passing minute.

"I understand you don't want to be in the middle of this, but I need some answers Diane."

"You think she was having an affair?"

"Yes"

"Who do you think she was sleeping with?"

"Peter Florrick."

"The State's Attorney - the man who just announced he was running for Governor?" she said, in surprise.

"Yes." He slumped back against the cushions. "She dated Peter during law school, almost married him."

"I knew she'd dated him, I had no idea it had been that serious."

"She doesn't like to talk about some of those particular moments from our time at Georgetown."

"She almost married him?"

"He was a year ahead of us, and swept her off her feet. He was, as she used to say, "grown up, and mature". They met in October of our 2L year. They dated, seriously, the remainder of the school year. He graduated, and she spent her 2L summer here in Chicago working, and dating him. Near the end of the summer she had two good job offers for after graduation. One here, one in D.C. Peter proposed a few days before she went back to school."

"She turned him down, right?

"No, she said yes to Peter. A few days after she got back to school, Sullivan and Cromwell called and offered her a job - the one she really wanted - but didn't think she'd get. They consistently ranked as one of the countries top five firms. She knew if she took that job, she'd be set in her career. After agonizing over it for a week, calling Peter every night, she accepted the job. Peter was supportive at first, but he had signed a two year contract with his firm, and long distance relationships are difficult to keep. A few weeks later he called her, and tried to convince her to switch to the Chicago firm. His father was a judge, with lots of connections. Peter had political aspirations, and thought it would be best for his career to stay here in Chicago. They ended up breaking off the engagement that night. They parted on good terms, but she was heartbroken."

"So you were her rebound?" Diane said, with a grin.

"No," he chuckled. "I was not her rebound. Her law books, and a few other guys she dated on and off for the next few months, were her rebound. I was still just her friend, even though we spent half our time in law school together."

"That's why I assumed you two had been romantically involved for much longer."

He nodded. "I had genuine feelings for Alicia. I'd probably had them since the first day we studied together. I'd asked her out a few times during law school, but she'd always turned me down. She said it would be weird to date, and didn't want our relationship to change. As you know, I had accepted your firms offer in New York. Over the holidays Alicia and I decided we'd rent an apartment together, share the rent. In January, I decided it was time to stop playing around. We were four months away from adult life, and I decided it was time for me to make myself clear on my feelings for her. So I asked her out," he smiled. "I practically had to beg her to agree to an actual date, but after that night, neither of us ever dated anyone else again."

"It must have been some date."

"It was amazing," he said, with a sad smile.

Diane shook her head. "You think she and Peter rekindled the relationship?"

"Yes"

"Why?"

"Five months ago Peter called her - at home - one night."

 _ **-** "Who was that?" Will asked, sitting next to her on the sofa in their family room. _

_She slumped back against the cushions in exhaustion. "The States Attorney."_

 _"Calling to settle?" he smiled, placing his arm around her._

 _She was lost in thought and didn't respond. "Alicia," Will said, waving his hand in front of her face to get her attention._

 _"What?"_

 _"Was Peter calling to settle your case?"_

 _"No,"_

 _"What did he want?"_

 _"He wants to have lunch tomorrow to discuss something," she said, staring at the fireplace mantle._

 _"What?"_

 _"I don't know, he didn't say. Maybe he wants to settle in person." She got up and moved towards the stairs._

 _"Hey, I thought we were going to start this movie before going to bed," Will commented._

 _"I'm tired Will. It's been a long few weeks with this case. I'm going to bed," she said, before ascending up the stairs._

 _The following afternoon he went into her office when she got back from lunch._

 _"Did he settle?" he asked, sitting in the chair across from her._

 _"No, we didn't talk about the case," she said, twirling her pen through her fingers. "He's going to run for Governor, and wanted to know if I would join his team. Handle all the legal issues. He said, after the election he'd hire me as the Governor's legal council."_

 _"And what did you tell him?" Will said, nervously. The broad smile across her face before he entered her office hadn't gone unnoticed._

 _She laughed slightly. "I told him no. I'm not going to give this up to join a political campaign." They both chuckled. He was silently relieved. **-**  
_

"He kept calling her - at home - trying to convince her." He clasped his hands together, leaning forward some. "At least that's what she told me. A week later I walked out of court, and found them down the hall, tucked away in the corner. He was whispering something in her ear, his hand on her arm, and she had her hand on his elbow, with a smile across her face that even I hadn't seen in weeks. She was on that abortion case that lasted for months, and had taken up all of her time."

"That's when you started suspecting something was going on between them?"

"They didn't act like they had been caught at anything when I approached them in the hall. She immediately removed her hand from Peter, and placed it on my arm. But over the next few weeks, she seemed distant. In November we all started on the Compton case, and you know all to well how our lives were after that. We were all working to many hours, even weekends. Alicia, began to get upset over little things. We argued over meaningless topics, like folding laundry. I thought it was the stress of work. A month later she said she had another lunch with Peter. She said they were going to catch up, and he wanted her advice on a case. She didn't come back to work after her lunch, and when I asked her about it that night, she got angry. She said she had been running errands, taking a break for a few hours, and accused me of being jealous because I never asked her about lunch dates she went on with other men. I was admittedly tired, and it turned into an argument. Things blew up from there."

"She went out to lunch every day for the next week, and wouldn't tell me where she was going, or with whom - just to spite me. One night after she'd gone to bed I looked at the history of calls on her phone. I know I shouldn't have done it, but she'd grown even more distant. There were dozens between her and Peter. The next day, I asked her if she was sleeping with him."

He paused shaking his head. "You should have seen the look of hurt on her face, yet, I could see the look of deception in her eyes. She said if I couldn't trust her, then maybe she couldn't trust me. We hardly spoke to each other at home for a week, and only spoke here if we needed to. Things have been spiraling down ever since." He sighed, leaning back into the sofa.

"But on New Year's Eve you two seemed so good," Diane questioned.

"The party?" he queried.

"Yes"

"We couldn't not hold our annual New Year's Eve party. You and all the rest of our friends would have suspected something. We've held that party every year since we moved to New York. That whole night was an act on our part."

"A good one at that. What about the kids? I'm surprised they didn't say anything to Kurt or me when we were there last weekend. I mean, if you two have been arguing for months, surely it's affected them."

"We put on a pretty good show for the kids too. We always argued after they were sleeping, or weren't at home. We tried to remain civil around them. The only thing absent from our usual routine was our affection for one another. The kids informed us more than once, that they could do without all of that. Although I'm not convinced they haven't picked up that something is going on. Alicia and I continued to sleep in the same bed, but it was purely for the kid's sake."

"And what about work? The past month I would have guessed you two were doing great. You brought her flowers one day. And don't think the seductive looks you threw her across the conference table went unnoticed. I was in her office numerous times when you asked her if she wanted you to make dinner, or wanted you to run a few errands for her."

"I wanted my wife back, Diane. Our marriage was crumbling. But you don't just throw away eighteen years of marriage without trying to fix things." He stood and began pacing across the floor. "I thought that maybe if I paid more attention to her, tried to do little things for her, that it would prove I did trust her, that I still loved her. It was something the marriage and bereavement therapist had us do after the baby died, and it helped immensely. I thought if I tried it again it would make things better between us - but it didn't. As you know she and Grace got into an argument last week. The following night, I confronted her about it and her seeming lack of responsibility with the kids in general over the previous few weeks. I told her she could ignore me all she wanted, but it wasn't fair to the kids, to distance herself from them. That's when she told me she thought we needed some time apart. She packed a few bags, and left."

"Do you still want to fix things with her?"

"I don't know. She acts like it's my fault things have gotten so bad. I do have to take some of the blame."

He sighed heavily. "Maybe we are to a point where we've grown to far apart to make it work anymore. Maybe she's right. Maybe we do need some time apart."

Diane's heart was aching for both of them. Their marriage was the last one she would have guessed could end. "What does she think now?"

"We haven't talked about it. I told her we could figure things out after she recovers. I'm not going to leave her alone in her current medical state. I just want answers. If she's not having an affair, like she's said all along, then I want to know what it was, or is, that's turned our world upside down. I've tried, but maybe she really doesn't care anymore. Maybe we don't love each other like we used to." He put his hands in his pockets and moved back to the window, peering out at the now darkened sky.

Diane didn't feel like pressing him any more on their issues. He was clearly troubled by the situation. She stood to leave him to his thoughts. "Maybe she'll rethink things now. Once she's feeling up to it you should ask her again, see if she'll open up," she said, encouragingly.

"Yeah," he said, in a defeated tone.

"Don't tell Alicia I suggested this, but you could have Kalinda look into things for you. She would keep it quiet."

"I've thought about that. But if Alicia ever found out I'd had someone investigate her, she'd never forgive me." He turned back around to face her. "I'm sorry I put you in the middle of this."

"Let's just focus on getting her healthy again. We can worry about the rest later on." She turned and exited the office.


	5. Amnesia

A week into her recovery, and it had been nothing but exhausting, painful, and unsettling. Her head constantly throbbed with pain, growing worse when she tried to focus, and remember things. Her ribs, cuts, and bruising were getting better, but remained uncomfortable, periodically causing sharp pain to surge through her body. Sleep and rest, were necessary, and had come often during the days, but only lasted a few hours at a time. In the middle of the night, or when she was alone in her room, she watched television, and read the few books, and magazines she'd been brought. Taking in as much information as she could to help formulate a sense of the world around her. She found her thought patterns, and memory to be odd at times. Flashes of what she supposed were memories, would sometimes flash through her mind, but she had little context to go along with them, or the ability to know if they were real or imagined.

One major frustration for her was her speech. She wasn't able to speak more than five or six words at a time. She had an adult vocabulary and speech pattern trying to make its way out of what seemed like the mouth of a two year old. The doctors weren't concerned. They said with a little bit of speech therapy it would become perfectly normal again. In their minds her brain was still functioning near the levels it had before the accident. She had shown some signs of memory lapses, but they thought it was perfectly normal behavior for someone in her circumstances.

Knowing the difficulties she was having, Will had done his best to keep visitors away from the hospital, telling friends and co-workers that Alicia needed time to recover. He and Diane had managed to put her clients' worries to rest. Reassuring them their cases would be handled, and that Alicia would be back in six to eight weeks time. The true extent of her injuries was only known among family, Kurt and Diane.

Over the weekend, Will had brought her some clothes from home - yoga pants and comfortable shirts. Much more comfortable than the hospital gowns that she'd been wearing. This small gesture on his part had further led her to believe that he was a friend. She was still very uncomfortable with the idea that they were married, as she held no feelings for him, other than a new friendship. Overall she felt quite empty and alone.

Despite her physical condition, her medical team determined it was time to get her out of bed, and begin the process of physical therapy. The previous night, Will and one of the doctors had helped her out of bed to gauge how the movement in her legs was. To her frustration, all she was able to do with a significant amount of support from them was a slow shuffle across the floor. She knew she knew how to walk, but couldn't get her legs to do what she wanted. The doctor said it was just a matter of regaining strength, and teaching her mind to communicate with them again.

After only thirty minutes of physical therapy, she was exhausted and frustrated. Jon, the therapist, was nothing but encouraging, telling her thirty minutes was beyond what most could do on their first day. One thing for certain, was that her desire to get things right, and do a good job was still a part of her personality.

In the early afternoon she was taken for her MRI. But when she saw the small enclosed space they were going to put her in, she refused, and grew quite agitated. There was nothing the staff could say to convince her it was perfectly safe.

Due to the stress of the situation she grew scared, and wouldn't allow anyone to touch her – not even to get her back to her room. Dr. Miller who had been working with her, and the on-call psychologist Mark, were called in to see if they could calm her down.

"Alicia, we'll postpone the MRI, let's get you back to your room so you can rest," Dr. Miller urged.

Her head was throbbing, heart racing. "I don't want to rest," she said, angrily. "I want you to," she clenched her fists, her mouth unable to get out what she wanted. "Make the pain go away." She was near tears.

"The pain in your head?"

"Yes, the medication isn't working."

"We need to do the MRI so we can get a better idea of what's going on in your head. Gain a better picture of what's causing the pain," the doctor said, calmly.

"No," - "I don't know if its," - "safe, like you say," - "I don't know if," - "anything you're giving me," - "is safe."

Mark spoke up. "Alicia, the doctors are here to help you. You are perfectly safe."

"I don't know them." And then she admitted the truth before she could stop herself from saying the words. "I don't know who I am." - "I don't remember anything," - "that happened before the accident."

Saying it didn't lessen the anxiety, but it was a relief, in a sense, to have her secret out. She placed her hands to her head in an attempt to help soothe the pain.

Everyone in the room paused, and turned to Mark.

"Alicia, you don't know who you are, or remember anything from before the accident?" he asked.

"No," she said, her eyes clenched shut.

He turned to the doctor, who shrugged in disbelief. "Why didn't you tell someone?" he continued.

"I was scared," she admitted.

"Okay, we're going to take you back to your room. You need to rest, but I want to talk to you in awhile, see if we can figure this out. Are you okay with that?"

She inhaled, as her heart-rate started to slow. "Yes"

"I'll call Will," Dr. Miller said.

"That's her husband?" Mark asked.

"Yes"

The nurse moved behind the wheelchair to push her back to her room.

"Wait," Mark said. "Alicia, do you remember Will? Do you know who he is?"

"My… husband Will?" she commented, blankly.

"Yes. Do you remember him before the accident?"

"No." She looked down in defeat.

"Okay." He placed a gentle hand on her knee. "It's okay, we'll figure this out all right?" he said, reassuringly.

* * *

It took some time to get a hold of Will. He had been in court with his phone turned off. He rushed to the hospital as soon as he'd talked with the doctor. Dr. Miller was in the hall outside her room when he arrived.

"How is she?" he asked, concerned.

"She's doing better now."

"Good." Will tried to move past him into her room.

"Will," he said, reaching for Will's arm.

"Yeah," he turned and looked at the doctor, his hand on the doorknob.

"We need to talk before you go in there." Will furrowed his brow, but followed the doctor to an empty room nearby.

"What's wrong?" Will asked, growing nervous.

"Alicia has amnesia."

"What do you mean?"

"She doesn't remember anything that happened before the accident."

"You mean she doesn't remember the accident?" he asked, in confusion.

He sighed. "No, I mean she doesn't remember anything from her past outside of a week ago when she woke up."

Suddenly in a matter of a few words without realizing it, his world had been completely changed. Will looked away, unable to fully comprehend what he was being told.

The doctor continued. "She doesn't remember you, the kids, her life. It's been erased from her memory."

Will turned to look at him again. "I... But she..." He was near speechless. His gaze turned in the direction of her room. "It will get better though right? Amnesia, is temporary?"

The doctor folded his arms across his chest. "Sit down," he offered, pointing to the empty bed. Will sat, the doctor sat in a chair across from him. "It can be, and with cognitive therapy, we would hope to see some improvement. Alicia is suffering from what we call retrograde amnesia, which is a lack of memories that generally took place before a traumatic event in ones life. People who suffer from this type of amnesia generally lose memories ranging from a few months, to a few years prior to that event. The fact that the memory loss was caused by physical damage to her brain from the accident, instead of some emotional trauma, doesn't bode well for her. Typically, people with brain injuries that suffer from amnesia, never regain all of their memories back. The fact that Alicia can recall so little of her past is discouraging. There are only a few known cases of individuals with such severe memory loss. We really need to get her to consent to the MRI, and have a neurologist look at the results."

Will began to feel sick. _Her past erased, she may never get her memories back?_ It was difficult to believe, or comprehend, the magnitude of the situation. "But she talks to me as if she knows me," he commented.

"That's the good news. Your wife is intelligent, and luckily her short term and procedural memory seem to be unaffected. She doesn't seem to have any problem gaining, and holding onto new information. And things she's learned in the past, like tying her shoes, reading, speaking, what many things are, haven't been forgotten. These things will be valuable assets for her recovery. My guess is that she's responded to you with information you and I, and others have fed to her. With her limited speech, it's been easy for her to give short, open ended answers to our questions."

Silence filled the room. Will didn't know what to think, or feel. What he was being told was that the woman he had known nearly two weeks prior, was gone in a sense, and may never return.

"I know this is difficult. She's talking with a psychologist now. We're hopeful that portions of her memory will return, but there's no guarantee at this point. We have one of the best neurologists in the country at this hospital. Good therapists and psychologists. She'll receive some of the best treatment there is. I have no doubt that in time Alicia will be back to her full capacity, but likely without many of her old memories. The more time you can spend with her the better. You should bring the kids in to see her. Bring photos for her to look at, anything that might help her recognize something from the past. She doesn't remember you, but she trusts you. She knows you are different from the hospital staff. She asked for you earlier. She said that if you thought the MRI was safe, she would consent. She trusts your judgment. She may not remember who you are, but she recognizes the fact that she's safe with you, and that you have her best interest at heart. That's worth a lot under the circumstances."

Will exhaled, shaking his head. The last thing he would have thought was that she trusted him, not after how things had been between them in the previous few months. Which made this even more difficult. She may not remember what had taken place prior to the accident, but he did.

"And her career?" Will was just beginning to realize the larger scope of things. If she didn't remember her past, she didn't remember being a lawyer either. If her memory never returned, she'd... Do what? It was all overwhelming. Alicia didn't remember their marriage, their children, or the past twenty-two years since they had met.

"Let's focus on her health, and trying to get some of those memories back, before we worry about her career. This is not going to be an easy road for you, your family, or Alicia."

He sat silent for a few moments. "I need a few minutes," Will said, turning his attention back to the doctor.

"Yes, of course. You're welcome to go sit with her while the psychologist continues his evaluation when ever you like. Once he's done, and the MRI has been taken care of, more definitive plans for her treatment can be made." He turned and left the room.

Part of Will didn't believe what the doctor had said. Was it really possible Alicia had no recollection of their life prior to a week ago? He couldn't begin to fathom what this must be like for her. He was torn with emotions, ranging from anger, to depths of sorrow for both of them over the fact that she couldn't, and may never again recall their life together.

After a few more minutes he stood, and walked slowly to her room. He wasn't sure of how to even act now. Both Alicia and the psychologist turned and acknowledged him when he entered. He sat in a chair a ways from both of them for the last few minutes of her evaluation.

Once the psychologist left, Will moved to sit on the edge of the bed facing her, taking her hand into his.

She liked the feel of his hand on hers, even though it still seemed awkward to her.

"Hi," he said, with a gentle smile.

"Hi," she responded, more shyly than she had since she'd woken from the coma.

She looked down at their entwined hands. "I'm sorry for lying," she admitted. "I'm sorry I can't remember." She was near tears. This was the first time she'd come close to showing any real emotion other than anger. She looked up into his eyes. "Please don't hate me." - "Please don't leave me here alone." - "I won't lie again," - "I promise." A few tears spilled from her eyes.

"I don't hate you. I just don't understand why you didn't say something before today."

"I didn't want to be," - "treated like a child." - "I feel so… lost."

"No one is going to treat you like a child." He reached his free hand to her face and brushed the hair back behind her ear.

More tears fell from her eyes. "I'm so scared," she said, with shaky voice.

He shifted closer to her, pulling her into his embrace. She hesitantly accepted the gesture, resting her head against his shoulder as her tears continued to flow. "I can't even imagine," he said, running his hand up and down her back.

As they sat in silence for a few minutes - her wrapped in his embrace. He realized it was the first time in the nearly six months since their anniversary, where he'd been allowed to hold her so close. Emotions thundered through him. Could five months of discontent be so easily forgotten, and thrown aside? He wasn't certain. He wasn't certain of anything now.


	6. Doubt

**A/N; Thank you all for reading, and for your reviews! Please note that I** **'** **ve tried to make this as medically accurate as** **is possible with research for someone like myself who isn'** **t in the medical** **field** **. Know that the severity of Alicia** **'** **s** **memory** **loss is extremely rare, and has only ever been seen** **in a** **very few number of individuals. Retrograde amnesia generally only involves memory loss of a few months up to about ten years prior to its onset.**

Nearly two weeks since the accident, and reality was beginning to set in, as Will walked into the firm staff meeting half an hour late. Getting the kids off to school was just one of many things that reminded him just how much he had depended on Alicia to keep things running in order around the house now that he was managing the kids, their schedules, homework, and the household chores full time on his own.

He was barely paying attention to the items of business on the agenda, when Diane brought up Alicia.

"If you're working on one of Alicia's cases, keep Will or I in the loop. We're hoping Alicia will be able to do some work from home in a few weeks. Until then, we don't want her clients falling through the cracks," she said, peering over to Will for confirmation of her statement.

"No, Alicia won't be doing any work from home. If you're working on one of her cases, plan on seeing it through to the end, but yes, keep Diane or I in the loop. If you get questions about Alicia's return, refer them to me." He stood, and left the room, leaving Diane puzzled and concerned. She adjourned the meeting and went straight to his office.

He'd already removed his coat and tie, something he never did until the work day was nearly over, when she entered his office - a sure sign of his exhaustion. She found him in his leather chair, face pressed into his hands.

"Headache?" she questioned, sitting on the sofa across from him.

"No," he said, sitting back.

"Things have taken a turn for the worse with Alicia I take it?"

"Yes, to put it mildly." He stood, and moved to close the door to his office.

"Alicia... can't remember much of anything before the accident." He sat back down, and explained what had happened the day before.

Diane was surprised to say the least. "How long do they think it will last?" she finally asked.

"They have no idea. She won't ever be able to remember everything from her past. Tests showed there is no longer blood flow to a small portion of her brain. With oxygen no longer flowing through that portion, it stopped functioning. The damage ruined her storage and retrieval for that part of her memory."

"Will, I... What are you going to do? What about the kids?"

"The kids are... handling it, I think. We talked, at length last night. But I don't think they understand the magnitude of the situation."

"And what about you? How are you handling it?" As if she didn't already know the answer from the way he looked.

He looked away. "I... don't know," he admitted honestly. "This will sound awful, but it might be the perfect out."

She furrowed her brow. "The perfect out for what?"

"Alicia wanted to separate, she distanced herself, she acted like she didn't care, or even loved me anymore before the accident, and I don't know for certain if we would have ever reconciled things. We had grown apart." He paused, merely to gather his thoughts.

Diane began to realize where he was headed with this, and she didn't like it. She began to wonder just how bad things had been between them before the accident, and if there had been more to Will's story than he had led on the previous week. "Will,"

He cut her off. "If she doesn't remember me, the kids, her life, maybe she'd be better off without us. It might be easier for her to start over, not have to deal with trying to remember her past." He looked as though he regretted even admitting such a thing, but she could she sense the debate running through his mind, and it broke her heart. The thought that he would, or could, even consider just leaving Alicia at this particular point was baffling.

"She really hurt you didn't she?"

Her words set off a storm in him he hadn't realized he'd been holding in. He had been hurt by what had happened. It had been masked for so long with anger, and then trying to fix things, it was only recently he realized how deeply hurt he'd been. He looked right at her. "Yes. But I hurt her too." He stood, and began to pace. "Six months ago things were great. Our four day getaway for the anniversary was perfect. All I could think during that time, was how I was the luckiest man on earth because I had her. We've weathered some difficult times in our marriage, but we've always managed to pull through. I didn't think there was anything that could pull us apart. I thought she felt the same, her behavior up until October was completely normal. Then everything changed. And now she isn't capable of acknowledging the fact that we are married. Those words don't seem to mean anything to her now. She doesn't have any feelings for me, or the kids. Maybe this was the final straw."

"So you're just going to leave her there, with no explanation? Let her figure things out on her own? You can't do that, and what would you tell the kids?" Diane didn't like where this was headed, and she wasn't about to let him get away with it so easily.

"No, I wouldn't do that. Just explain things to her. Draw up divorce papers. We would still be involved in her life, just differently than before." he sighed, running a hand through his hair.

Diane couldn't believe he was even thinking of this. "Will, you're tired. It's a shock, and the effects of this impact you more than anyone else. But I don't think it's smart to jump into a divorce. I think you're wrong. Instead of being the perfect out, this could be the perfect time to start over. Obviously you have to make the decision. You are the only one who can decide if you and Alicia get a second chance, or if you want to put the past behind you and never look back."

He sighed heavily. "I know."

"Do you still love her?" she asked, in a calming tone, very curious to know his answer.

He folded his arms across his chest, taking a moment to ponder things. "Yes, but I don't know if she still loves me." The debate within his heart was the most difficult. He did still love her. He never stopped loving her. But if she didn't love him back, maybe it was better to break their ties.

"It doesn't matter if she did or didn't a week ago. All that matters now is if you still love her." She sat next to him. "Maybe it's time to leave those awful months in the past. She may never remember the reasons she did the things she did. If she was sleeping with Peter, she isn't going to know who he is now. You don't have to worry about an affair anymore. Build your relationship with her again. Show her - help her – understand what you two used to have. I'll bet when she sees how much you love her, she'll be able to remember some of those old feelings, or gain new ones for you."

It was easy for her to say, easy for her to think that those months could just be put aside. "And what if I do? What if we make things work, get back to where we were before, and then one day she does remember what happened? What then? It would all be for not, and we would be right back to where we were a few weeks ago."

"I don't think so. Let's say she does remember months from now. If you rebuild the relationship now, I would think that all your efforts would count for something, and that you two would be able to work through any old issues that might come up."

"I'm not so sure Diane." He looked down at his hands.

"Alicia loves you. Things may have fallen apart, but I don't believe for one second that she stopped loving you. Her love may have been masked by something that you may never know about, but don't you think it's worth trying to save your marriage now? Can you really imagine your life without her?"

The truth was that he couldn't imagine his life without Alicia. He shook his head. "It's going to be difficult Diane. I'm a perfect stranger to her now."

"You were a perfect stranger to her when you first met," she said, with a gentle smile.

He nodded. "This is different,"

"It's not for her. It was difficult for you two when Kate died. No one would have guessed that Alicia's post-pardon depression would have gotten so bad that she was nearly suicidal. That experience changed both of you. It brought you closer together. The only reason she pulled through that was because of you. It's an ugly twist of fate that that your marriage is being strung through the wringer again. I imagine this will be one-hundred times more difficult than that ever was. But I think the end result will be better than anything you can imagine at this point. I'll do my best to support you in whatever you decide, but if you can still find a place in your soul for her..."

"I do still love her, but I'm hurt, and uncertain, and full of doubt. I don't know if I can do it."

She smiled and stood. "You can."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because, I was there the afternoon you pulled her unconscious body out of the tub, and we thought she'd overdosed on all those pills. I thought she was dead Will, as she lay on that tiled floor, and you did everything you could to wake her up. Then she opened her eyes for a few minutes. And in that moment of terror and tragedy, you promised her you'd take of her. Make it all better if she didn't give up. Even though she was in so much physical pain the only words out of her mouth were that she loved you, and that she didn't want to die. You were both in tears - I've never seen love like I did that day."

He sighed, and looked away as the memories of that experience flooded back to him.

"That's why I know you can do this. Because deep down you would do anything for her, and if she remembered, I know she would do the same for you."

He nodded knowing she was right.

"Go home after court this morning and get some rest. Life altering decisions should never be made when you're tired." She turned to leave.

"Diane,"

She turned to face him again.

"Let's not ever speak of this discussion again." His eyes remained fixed on hers.

She nodded, with a slight smile. "As far as I'm concerned we just spent twenty minutes discussing Alicia's ongoing cases."

 **/**

He took Diane's advice and went home after court. He had a few hours before the kids would be home from school. He climbed the stairs while undoing his tie. He paused when he reached the last step, and glanced down the hall to where the guest room was. Five years earlier it had been the nursery. He turned in the opposite direction, entering the master bedroom closing the door behind him. He glanced around the large space, the soft gray, blue and white hues mixed with the dark wood accents. His eyes fell upon the photo of him and Alicia that sat on the chest of drawers. This space had been their sanctuary in the large house, being one of the only spaces the kids weren't allowed to leave any of their things. His gaze moved to the large en suite, he could see the tub from where he sat. His recollection of that difficult day Diane had mentioned flooded his mind.

 _He placed his hands on her arms, and kissed the top of her head._ _"_ _Everything is going to be okay,_ _"_ _he said peering down at her. They had just returned from the doctor_ _'_ _s office._ _"_ _Why don_ _'_ _t you go upstairs take a warm bath, and rest for awhile? Abbey said she could keep Grace, and take the kids to the park after they picked Zach up from school._ _"_

 _She nodded and took the sack that held a bottle of pills they had just picked up, out of his hand._ _"_ _Okay, I_ _'_ _m going to take one of these first._ _"_ _She pulled out of his grasp, but he reached for her hand stopping her from ascending the stairs._

" _Leesh, you only have to take them until the depression is under control._ _"_ _He knew she hated the idea of taking medication because she was depressed, the outcome of their visit to the doctor. She thought it made her appear weak. At least now they knew it wasn_ _'_ _t just grief that was causing her to sleep all hours of the day, have mood swings, and a lack of interest in nearly_ _everything_ _in the eight weeks since the baby had died._

 _She looked down at the floor._ _"_ _I know._ _"_ _She pulled out of his grasp._ _"_ _If I could just get rid of this pain in my stomach,_ _"_ _she sighed, and ascended up the stairs. T_ _he_ _doctor had checked for the reason of her stomach pain finding nothing wrong. He said it was probably an imagined symptom of her depression, and would go away once the anti-depressants kicked in._

 _"How's Alicia?" Diane asked, after entering the house, files in hand._

 _"It's hard to say. Better I think, now that we know what the problem is. I_ _'_ _m sorry I had to take today off, but after she broke down last night, I didn_ _'_ _t dare leave her alone today._ _"_

" _Will, its fine._ _What did the doctor say?"_

" _She_ _'_ _s suffering from post-pardon depression. He prescribed some medication for her, and set us up with a psychologist. I just wish we would have caught it sooner. But everyone, including myself thought she was still just grieving._ _"_

 _They ran through the few work items they needed to, and Diane got up to leave._

" _Wait, Alicia_ _said_ _she wanted to see you. I_ _'_ _ll run up and get her._ _"_

 _A few minutes later he knocked on the door to their bathroom. After a minute of knocking, and getting no response from her, he entered the room. She looked as though she were sleeping, but then he tried to wake her, and she didn't respond. He yelled for Diane to call 911. Diane rushed up the stairs, phone in hand, and gasped when she saw Will pulling Alicia's limp body from the tub._

 _"What happened?" she said urgently, her phone pressed to her ear. She reached for a towel and placed it over Alicia_ _'_ _s body._

 _"I think she took to many pills." he said, frantically trying to wake Alicia up. Diane then noticed the few bottles of pills next to the tub as she spoke with the 911 operator._

He inhaled, and moved to lean up against the door to the bathroom, peering at the exact spot where he'd laid her that day. The fear and sorrow from those memories played in the forefront of his mind overwhelmingly as he slid to the floor leaning against the wall. It hadn't taken the paramedics long to get there, but in between the time Diane got off the phone with them, and their arrival, Alicia had woken briefly. They had shared their few words, and tears, and then Alicia had fallen back into unconsciousness. Both Will and Diane had been scared stiff when the paramedics had to revive her before ever getting her onto a stretcher. Some time later it had been determined Alicia hadn't overdosed on medication like everyone had suspected. A small blood clot her doctor had missed earlier in the day had been found in her lungs. That, coupled with and an allergic reaction to the medication had caused all the trouble.

He closed his eyes. It wasn't just these memories that had aided in bringing some of his feelings up for Alicia. There was no doubt he loved her - more than life itself if he were really honest. He would, and wanted to start over with her. But in order for him to fully love her again, he would need to forgive her first. And despite what Diane had said about putting the past few months behind them, he couldn't do that without knowing what he had to forgive. He also wasn't certain that even if he tried, that Alicia would ever be able to love him again like she had in the past. He began to wonder what their future together would really look like.


	7. Ties That Bind

Will had called Alicia in the late afternoon, and told her he was going to bring the kids to see her. She didn't know what to expect, or how they would react to her. She was admittedly nervous to meet the two people Will claimed were her children. Would she like them? Would they still like her? In ways she hoped that meeting them would jog her memory - certainly the bond between a mother and her children, still remained inside her somewhere.

She was reading a book when the door to her room opened and three people entered. She noticed immediately how strikingly familiar the two children seemed. Looking to Will and then back at them, it was obvious the boy held many of Will's features. Same hair color, same dark eyes, and distinguishable nose. It took a few moments longer to figure out why the girl looked familiar. Alicia had spent some time staring into the mirror over the past few days in an attempt to, if nothing else, familiarize herself with her features again. The girl had her same dark hair color, but it held soft curls, and looking into the girls eyes was almost like looking into her own. In fact looking at Grace was like looking at what she imagined she must have looked like at a young age. No doubt these two had come from her and Will.

Will was hesitant, and was going to introduce them, but seconds after they entered the room, Grace rushed over to Alicia, wrapping her arms around her neck.

"Mom," she said, resting her chin on Alicia's shoulder, as a few tears sprang from her eyes.

Surprisingly the kids were the first people Alicia had come in contact with where she didn't feel a need to keep her distance. Grace's immediate physical contact had startled her some, but she didn't mind it, and hugged her back in return. Zach moved over to her bedside.

"Hi mom," he said, leaning over placing a kiss on Alicia's forehead.

Will watched the interactions. Zach was just starting to get to the age where he didn't appreciate his mother insisting on giving him a hug before school and at bedtime. But he was also getting to an age where despite gaining his own identity, he had become fiercely protective of Alicia. There had been more than one instance in the past months where it had gotten late, and Alicia hadn't come home from work. On a few of those occasions, Will discovered Zach awake in his bed two hours after bedtime, waiting for Alicia to get home. On those occasions, Zach had insisted on calling her to make sure she was all right, and Will could tell that Zach thought he was a near idiot to not be more concerned about Alicia. Zach was unaware, but these instances had on occasion, been added to the list of things Will would get upset with Alicia over. He didn't like the fact that she had caused Zach to worry. Especially when he knew she had no excuse for staying at work as late as she had on those nights.

Grace finally let go of Alicia, and instead of moving to a chair, planted herself on the edge of the bed. "We brought some stuff from home for you to look at," she said, removing a bag from her shoulder and placing it on her lap. "Dad said, it might help you if you saw some pictures and stuff."

"That's right," Alicia said, with a gentle smile peering gratefully over to Will.

"Also, I brought the book we were reading together. I thought maybe we could read some while we are here."

Before Alicia could respond, Will cut in. "Grace, mom can't read out loud very quickly right now. You might have to finish that book with me."

Grace looked over to Will with a look of disappointment. "I know Dad. I was going to tell her what was happening in the book, and then I was going to read. It doesn't matter which one of us reads. Sometimes she read to me, and sometimes I read to her, or we both read part of a chapter. It will be my turn to read until she can talk better," she said, with a hint of disrespect.

Will was about to get after her for talking to him in that tone, but Alicia spoke up.

"Grace," she said. Grace turned her attention back to Alicia. "That didn't sound very nice." - "Your dad is just," - "trying to help."

Grace immediately turned back to Will, "Sorry dad."

He smiled. "It's okay," he reassured her. He moved to a chair close to the bed, and continued to watch the kids interact with Alicia. He couldn't help but smile inwardly. There had always been a strict understanding that the kids were to treat their parents with respect. He was surprised that even in her current state, Alicia had been able to gage the situation, and say something before Will blew things out of proportion, which he tended to do occasionally when under stress.

It didn't take long for him to realize he was the only one in the room hesitant about the whole situation. The kids didn't seem to care what Alicia's circumstances were. To them, she was still just their mom. This admittedly helped calm his nerves.

Will had planned on only staying there with the kids for an hour. He didn't want to overload Alicia with information. But the kids seemed content to be there, and Alicia didn't seem to mind. It had been the first quality family time the four had spent together in a long time. He was enjoying it as much as the rest of them.

Alicia had asked the kids about school, their after school activities, and Zach had given her a play by play recap of his basketball game from the previous weekend. Will was pretty sure Alicia understood little of the strategy Zach was explaining to her. She'd understood little of the strategy before the accident. He had to chuckle to himself at a few of the questions she'd asked Zach, because in the past she attended his games, and always gave him her full attention when he talked about his sports. But she would have never asked him to explain how a "man to man zone," or "pick and roll," worked. He seemed to love the idea of explaining all of it to her.

Grace was small enough that she fit comfortably next to Alicia on the bed. While Will and Zach went to find some dinner for all of them, Grace read with Alicia. The book was two or three grade levels above Grace's fourth grade age, but Alicia only had to help her with a few words.

"You're a good reader," Alicia said, once they got to the end of the chapter.

"I'm one of the best in my class," Grace said, smiling up at Alicia. "Dad says Zach and I are good readers because you taught us to like books, and we're smart like you."

"Your dad's smart too isn't he? He's pretty good at his job from what he told me last night. And you would have to be smart to be as good as he is."

Grace continued to smile. "He is, but he likes to tease you and say we got our looks and smarts from you, but everything else from him."

"Everything else, like what?"

"Like how Zach and I both like sports and we like to be spontaneous. That's different from you. You like to have a plan for everything. The three of us don't like to do chores on Saturday, but you say we have to get the house clean before we play all weekend, because if we didn't it would never get done. We also think it's fun to play tricks on you."

"Play tricks on me?"

"Not mean tricks. It's more like surprises so you know we love you. Dad says it's important to make sure you know we love and appreciate you, because you always make us feel loved. Like every year we have a special Mom day. It's a different day every year that Dad picks, but he doesn't tell you when it's going to be so it's always a surprise. We usually have to tell you a whole lot of lies so you don't figure it out. That's the only time we are allowed to lie to you, when we are keeping a surprise from you."

This had peaked Alicia's curiosity. "What do we do on Mom day?"

"First, we're extra and leave you alone in the morning, because mom's like to get some extra sleep, and take a shower without being interrupted sometimes. Then we bring you breakfast in bed. Dad usually tells you to go do what ever you want for a few hours, like go shopping, or to lunch with a friend. Last year you told him you wanted to have lunch with us, and stay in your room and a read a new book you had. In the afternoon Dad usually takes Zach and I to do something fun after we pick up our presents for you. Then we come home and have a special dessert we made for you, and give you our presents. Zach always gives you flowers and Dad and I pick out something else like jewelry, or perfume. Then Dad usually takes you on a date. I think you're pretty lucky because you get that day, and your birthday, and Mother's Day every year. I hope I get an extra special day every year when I'm a grown up."

Alicia smiled, at this new glimpse into Will. It was reassuring to know how he had treated both her and the kids in the past. She began to wonder if she had been similar to Will in her role as wife, and mother.

/

After they all ate Will told the kids it was time to go, despite their protests. "You two have school tomorrow and your Mom needs her rest."

"When can we come back?" Zach asked.

"On Saturday after your game. They are going to move Mom to the rehabilitation center next to the hospital tomorrow. Her room will be a little bigger, and more comfortable. We can stay for longer then if you want."

"How long does she have to stay here?" Grace questioned.

Will looked over to Alicia. "We aren't sure. The doctors said she can come home when she can get around on her own again, and when her rib doesn't hurt so much, maybe four or five weeks."

 _Home_ \- Alicia knew that was where they all lived together. She had caught glimpses of their home in some of the photos the kids had shown her. But the idea of leaving this place that had become familiar to her was a bit unsettling.

Even though just hours before Will had made the decision to work through this with Alicia, the idea of having her home again was still unsettling for him as well.

"You two give mom a hug and say good bye, then go talk to the nurses. They said they had something to give you before we leave." The kids said their goodbyes, and left the room. Will went and sat on the edge of the bed.

"I hope that wasn't too much for one day."

She shook her head. "I like them," she said, with a gentle smile. "They treat me like a normal person."

He chuckled at her words. "Yes, they do. They miss you. I know that's hard to understand, but they do." He took her hand into his. "I'll come spend some time with you tomorrow."

"Okay,"

He wasn't sure what to do next. Should he just go, should he hug her, give her a kiss?

"Will," she said, looking up into his eyes. "If we are married," - "Where is my ring?"

He looked confused for a brief moment.

"You have a ring," - "married people have rings." - "Where is mine?" She held up her left hand so he could see her bare finger.

He didn't have a good answer for her, but he he'd been given all of her things after the accident, and assumed it must be with them somewhere. He hadn't even thought about her ring. "I have it at home. They took it off after the accident. I'll bring it to you." He hoped he could live up to the statement. She obviously viewed the ring as a way to validate the truthfulness of their marriage, which was smart on her part.

She nodded in acknowledgement. He took her left hand and ran his thumb over her ring finger. "I'll see you tomorrow." He stood and left the room.

She looked down at her hand he had just held, and then over to the small table next to her. They had left the photo album, and Grace's book. She picked up the album thumbing through its pages again. It was difficult to see herself in some of the photos, and not be able to recall any of the events. She had to admit, she now missed the three people that made up the core of her family. She liked the idea that she really belonged somewhere, that there were people who counted on her, and missed her.

/

After Will got the kids to bed, he pulled out Alicia's bag, and suitcase that had been returned to him after the accident. He had tucked it all away in the closet, intending to go through it, but hadn't yet. In her bag he found the pair of shoes she'd had on that night, some books, a few items from their home office, and a framed photo of the kids. In her suitcase were clothes, and other personal items she would have needed. Tucked all the way at the bottom was her journal. He lifted it out, and sat on the bed, placing the worn book next to him.

She wasn't always an avid journal writer. She had kept one during college, and had kept it up during their first few years of marriage. Throughout the rest of their marriage she had written avidly on and off. She had never allowed him to read anything she'd written. She said it was private, and on top of being a record of their lives, it was periodically her way of venting without taking things out on him. He had promised her he'd never invade her privacy by reading it.

However, it occurred to him in the dim lamp light of their room, that the pages of that book likely held a large amount of the answers he'd been longing for over the past months. Solidified by the fact that she'd packed it with her other things. He sighed running his hands over his face. He looked back to the book, picked it up, and was about to open it. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. He felt like it would be a betrayal of her trust. No matter what happened, whether she got her memory back or not, he would never be able to look at her without feeling slightly guilty if he read it. That was one promise he'd made when they first moved in together in New York, that he had kept for nineteen years, and he wasn't willing to break it. He sighed, and placed the journal in the drawer of her bed side table.

His thoughts turned back to finding her wedding ring. It wasn't with any of her things. Then he remembered a nurse had given him a small zip-loc bag in the middle of the night while he was waiting for her to come out of surgery. He'd barely looked at the contents. The only thing he remembered being in it had been her watch, but her ring must have been in it as well. He had placed the bag in his suit coat pocket.

Suddenly panic set in. He'd taken that jacket, along with two others, and some of his dress shirts to the cleaners the day before. He felt sick. She had loved that ring, and rarely ever took it off. He'd had it engraved on their ten year anniversary. He only hoped that someone at the cleaners had come across it, and set it aside. The cleaners would be his first stop in the morning.

 **A/N; Thank you all for reading! Out of curiosity, do any of you think Will made the wrong decision in not reading Alicia's journal?**


	8. The Ring

**A/N; Again, thank you all for the follows and reviews. This is a short chapter, but after so many comments on Alicia's lost ring, I decided to add this.**

"Are you and Will still on for tonight?" Diane asked Kurt, over the phone.

"As far as I know. The other guys cancelled, but Will said he'd still like to get a drink." Periodically Will, Kurt, and two other acquaintances met at a local club to play billiards, and have drinks.

"Good. Something's been eating at him all day." Diane peered over to Will's office, where he was mindlessly tapping a pen on his desk, gazing out the window. "It will be good for him to get out, keep his mind of things for a few hours. Maybe you two could meet at sports bar instead of the club," she suggested.

Kurt chuckled. "Don't worry, it's probably nothing winning a few rounds of pool can't shake off."

"Just don't let him play any cards. The medical bills will start piling up soon, and the last thing he needs is to lose money playing cards."

"I'll keep him away from the tables tonight."

"Good, keep him in line, and there will be a surprise waiting for you when you get home!" she said seductively.

"Do my best."

* * *

Will was already seated at their usual table when Kurt arrived.

"Would you rather go to a sports bar tonight?" Kurt questioned, removing his jacket. "Diane seems to think it would be a better place for you to forget your troubles."

Will chuckled. "She worries too much. What she doesn't realize is that there isn't much going on in the sports world tonight. Baseball is in its preseason, the Bulls aren't playing tonight, and the last game of the college basketball finals was Monday night."

Kurt nodded in acknowledgement. "How's Alicia?"

Will took a long sip of his drink, and sighed as he placed the glass back on the table. "Alicia is fine. They moved her to the rehab facility today. I think it will be better for her there, more freedom. She can go outside to the courtyard, have a meal with other people if she wants, or go sit in the common area. She won't be stuck in her room when she isn't in therapy if she doesn't want to be."

They continued to chat for awhile over drinks and some food. Kurt sensed something was eating at Will just as Diane had observed earlier in the day, but didn't feel like it was his place to pry. However, after a few drinks Will confessed his dilemma without any nudging.

"I lost Alicia's wedding ring," he said, thumbing his glass.

"You lost it?" Kurt questioned.

"Yes." He explained how he thought it had been in the small bag the nurse had given him, and how he had carelessly taken his suit coat to the cleaners. The cleaners hadn't come across it, and he'd been unable to find it anywhere else.

"Maybe she wasn't wearing it that night," Kurt offered.

"She hardly ever took it off. Despite our marital situation before the accident, the ring holds more significance than just our wedding vows. It had to have been in the bag with her watch and other jewelry." He lifted his fingers to his own wedding band twisting it around his finger a few times.

"You're sure it was in that bag?"

"No, I'm not sure, but I've looked everywhere I think she would have put it at home, and the office."

"I take it, it can't just be replaced?"

Will sighed. "No, the ring was her grandmother's." He glanced in Kurt's direction and took another sip of his drink.

"There must be a good story behind that." Kurt mused.

"Yes, but I'm sure the last thing you want to do tonight is hear the story about Alicia's ring. The short version is that it was her grandmother's ring. Her father gave it to me after I asked his permission to marry her.

 _/_

 _Will and Alicia had flown to Chicago to spend a few days with her family over the Christmas holiday, splitting their time between Veronica, and her father. Her parent's had been divorced for about nine years. The night before they were to fly back to New York, Will pulled her father aside while Alicia was busy cooking in the kitchen._

 _"Mr. Cavanaugh,"_

 _"Will, how many times do I have to tell you to call me Jack?"_

 _Will placed his sweaty palms in his pockets. He had to admit asking this man who had been nothing but kind to him ever since they had met at graduation, for permission to marry his daughter, was more nerve racking than his first few times in court had been._

 _"Jack," he paused, working up the nerve to ask the question. "I love Alicia. I want to ask her to marry me... if you would approve of course."_

 _The tall, gray haired man didn't say anything for a few moments. His expression remained blank. Will felt as though he might faint, that he'd read Alicia's father all wrong. Maybe this man who Alicia looked up to so much, didn't really like him, and would not approve of his desire to marry his daughter._

 _After a few agonizing moments, a broad smile crossed Jack's lips. "I'd be honored to have you as a son-in-law." He moved closer to Will and patted him on the back._

 _The following day, Jack pulled Will into his office while Alicia was packing._

 _"Will, Alicia was very close to her grandmother growing up. Veronica was a good mother, but as you can imagine, things could get a bit... crazy around home sometimes. So periodically Alicia would spend a weekend with my mother, and often spent a few full weeks with her during the summer."_

 _"Alicia, told me about her," Will responded._

 _"She passed on when Alicia was fourteen. In her will she left her wedding ring to Alicia." He pulled a small box from his pocket and opened it to reveal an old antique ring. "Alicia always told her she wanted to have a ring just like it when she got married." He chuckled a bit. "Of course she was young then, and I imagine her taste in rings has changed over the years, but I still think she should have it for her wedding, even if you get her another one."_

 _Will took the ring from Jack's hand and examined it. The diamonds in the setting were stunning, and although the band that held them in place was worn some, he thought Alicia might still want it as her wedding band,_

 _"Of course you can do what you want. You probably already have a ring picked out for her, but I think it would mean more to her if it came from you. Use it as an engagement gift or something."_

 _Will nodded, gently placing the ring back in the small box. "Thank you sir, I'm sure she'll love it."_

/

Will continued. "Her father passed away three weeks later from a heart attack. I had made some plans for popping the question. But two nights after we came home from Chicago following the funeral, she was so sad. She had been very close to her father. I thought the ring might cheer her up some, I ended up proposing that night."

 _/_

 _It was snowing outside. Large snowflakes fell from the dark night sky. Alicia was curled up on the sofa, Will next to her with his arm around her. The dim light from the burning fire was the only thing illuminating the room. They had been sitting there talking for quite some time. They had been discussing the events from the week, and Alicia had mentioned how grateful she was that Will had been with her during this time._

 _"Do you know what today is?" she questioned, shifting so she could look at him._

 _"Uh, no," he admitted._

 _"One year ago today, was our first official date," she said, with a smile across her lips that he hadn't seen in a few weeks._

 _He smiled, looking away, thinking back to that night two years earlier. "It was snowing that night just like tonight."_

 _"Yep, so much so, that all the plans you had made to take me on what you thought would be the perfect date, were ruined," she smiled lovingly at him, placing a hand on his leg._

 _He nodded with a sheepish smile. "I don't think that night would have been so memorable if I had been able to go through with all of my plans."_

 _"You're right. It would have been like nearly every other date I'd been on, and I wouldn't have been so convinced I'd made a mistake in not dating you sooner."_

 _"You weren't completely convinced after that date," he said, with raised brow._

 _"No, but it was enough to get me to stop thinking about other men long enough for us to fall in love."_

 _He let out a soft laugh. "Correction counselor, I was already in love with you. You were the one who needed convincing."_

 _"Yeah, I was." She leaned forward, placing her lips to his. After a few minutes of passionate kissing, he stood from the sofa. "Leesh, I have something for you." He moved towards the bedroom._

 _"What?" she called after him._

 _"Just wait." He returned a few moments later, ring in hand._

 _/_

Will took another sip of his drink. "I got down on one knee, told her how much I loved her, said a few other things, and then pulled out the ring." He smiled again, shaking his head. "I had meant for that to cheer her up, and it did. But I think she cried more in the short time after she saw the ring, than she had during the entire funeral."

"And now the ring is lost?" Kurt stated.

"Yes, well part of the ring is lost."

"Part of the ring?"

Will pulled his wedding band off his finger. "Alicia wore the ring around for a few weeks. It meant the world to her to know her father had saved it for her, and that he'd been able to give it to me before he passed on. But it wasn't a style she was in love with. And if she was going to wear something for the rest of her life, she wanted it to be something she really loved, sentiment aside. So we went looking for other rings. One jeweler commented on the beauty of the diamonds in her grandmother's ring. We gave him the short version of the story. This guy was an artist and a jeweler. He came up with a design for a new band that incorporated the diamonds into a setting he thought Alicia would like, and she did. He then suggested that we use the band from the ring, have it melted down and redesigned, into a band for me. They had to add a little more material to it so it would fit my finger, but for the most part, this is the other half of the ring. For our ten-year anniversary, I had her grandmothers wedding date, and our wedding date, engraved on the inside of both of the rings."

"You better find that ring," Kurt said, lifting his drink to his lips.

"Yeah," he said in all seriousness. "And not just because she's been asking about her wedding ring. If she remembers it, and the significance behind it, and I can't produce it for her, she'll kill me. Even if I lost it under some stress as a careless mistake."

Kurt smiled. "And she won't stop with you either. She'll be after the head of the doctor who probably ordered it be taken off her finger."

They both laughed at Kurt's comment. Will glanced over to a few younger men standing by a billiards table. "What do you say we show those twenty-something's how to really play the game?"

Kurt raised his glass in agreement. "It shouldn't take long to show them a thing or two."


	9. A Few Answers

Will was not having a particularly good day. So when Diane entered his office, placing a copy of Alicia's work schedule dating back five months on his desk, he was not happy - for a few reasons.

"Why are you showing me this?" he asked, leaning back in his chair.

"I had Kalinda look into your, _situation_ ," she said, hoping he knew what she meant.

"You what?" He leaned forward, placing his hands on his desk. "I told you about Alicia and I in confidence, and that I didn't want to ask Kalinda to look into it."

"You said, _you,_ didn't want to ask Kalinda. I didn't tell her what was going on. I just asked her to look at Alicia's cases, and schedule, to see if there was anything unusual."

He sighed looking away in anger. "And there was?"

She felt slightly guilty, but thought this was for the best. "Alicia blocked out a two hour space in her schedule every Tuesday afternoon dating back to mid January under a case name that doesn't exist. She had every Thursday night blocked out under the same case name, dating back to mid November. Do you know why?"

Will stared at her contemplating what to say. He didn't know whether to be angry at her for going against his wishes, or grateful she had come up with something. Although, he had no idea what this really meant, he suspected this was the time during which Alicia had snuck off to be with Peter.

"It doesn't prove she was having an affair Will," Diane offered, after a few moments, sensing what he was thinking.

"It doesn't disprove it either." He sighed, and stood, heading for the door.

"Where are you going?"

"To have a word with the State's Attorney."

Diane followed after him. "Don't do anything stupid Will," she said getting onto the elevator with him.

He was paying little attention to her warnings. "I don't know how I could have been so blind," he said. "It was sitting there as clear as day, and I didn't see it."

"Will, it wasn't clear as day, she probably entered it into her schedule at the beginning of each week so no one would catch onto a pattern. Maybe she was doing something else during that time."

They stepped off the elevator, and Will headed for his car.

"I don't think this is smart. But if you're going to confront Peter, try to remain calm," she called after him.

* * *

Peter offered Will a seat, but he refused. It took all the will power he had to remain calm.

"How is Alicia? I heard about the accident, and that she's out for a few more weeks." Peter said, sitting on the edge of his desk.

"She's fine."

"What can I do for you?"

Peter's calm demeanor only infuriated Will more. He couldn't believe Peter could look him in the eye with a straight face. "You can tell me what you've been doing with my wife for the past five months."

Peter was taken completely off guard. "What I've been doing with your wife?" he questioned.

"Did you really think I wouldn't figure it out? All the phone calls, the flirting in the halls _._ " He moved closer to Peter, who stood and backed up. "Your Thursday night _meetings_ every week."

"Whoa, Will, I don't know what Alicia told, or what you think has been going on between us, but,"

Will cut him off. "Alicia didn't tell me anything. I had our investigator look into it. You've been sleeping with Alicia, and I'm here to tell you it's over. I'm filing a restraining order, and if you try to contact her, or go anywhere near her, I'll make sure you pay for it."

Will was within inches of Peter. "I'm not sleeping with Alicia. If you don't back off, I'll have security arrest you." He reached his hand towards the phone on his desk.

Will took a few steps back.

"I don't know what you think you know, or where your investigator got the information from, but there is nothing going on romantically between Alicia and me. I have a wife, a wife who I love. A wife who has depended on your wife for support the past five months. You have some real gall coming in here accusing me of sleeping with Alicia."

Will was barely paying attention to what he thought were excuses, and was about to interrupt again, until Peter spoke that last sentence.

"What do you mean your wife has depended on Alicia? Alicia doesn't even know your wife."

Peter furrowed his brow. "Yes she does. They met in October."

Will didn't know what to think.

"I should throw you out of here for your behavior. Maybe you should ask Alicia what's going on, instead of accusing me. Obviously she's been keeping things from you."

Will had to take a deep breath inwardly to gain back some control.

"Why don't you just tell me since I'm here? Prove to me my accusations are false."

Peter thought for a moment. "Fine, but only because I respect your wife."

Both men sat, and Peter began. "Near the end of September my wife gave birth to our son. It had been an unexpected pregnancy, and she was only twenty-seven weeks along. He only lived for an hour. In October I asked Alicia to join my campaign for Governor, I thought she would be an asset."

"She told me about the campaign," Will interjected.

"Kerri and I ran into Alicia a few days after I met with her to discuss the campaign. Kerri wasn't doing well. I don't remember how it came up, but Alicia told her about losing your child a few years back. She and Kerri exchanged numbers. Kerri and Alicia had lunch about a week later, and Alicia told her about a support group for grieving mothers. Kerri didn't want to go alone, so Alicia offered to go with her."

This was the last thing Will expected to hear when he had entered Peter's office. He was stunned really.

"Why didn't Alicia just tell me?" he said, more to himself than to Peter.

"Alicia and Kerri have been going to those meetings together ever since. I have your wife to thank for bringing mine back to life. I don't know where we would be right now if it hadn't been for Alicia. Obviously, things between you and Alicia aren't going well right now, but I have nothing to do with that."

"So that's why she has so many calls from your home number?"

"Partially, after everything Alicia had done for Kerri, I got to thinking. I need someone to take my place as State's Attorney if I win the governorship. I've been trying to convince Alicia to run. I think she'd make a great State's Attorney. We met a few times to discuss it. I think she was toying with the idea."

Will leaned back in his chair. "Do you know if Kerri and Alicia met on Tuesday afternoons?"

Peter shook his head. "I doubt it. Kerri teaches an undergrad business class at UC on Tuesday afternoons."

Will nodded, and stood. "Okay, thank you. I need to get back to the office."

Peter nodded, and Will turned to leave.

"Will,"

Will turned back to face him.

"I'm going to forget the fact that you came close to punching me a few minutes ago, but don't think about doing it again."

Will nodded, heeding the warning.

"Give Alicia our best. I'm sure Kerri would like to see her, when she's up to it."

"I'll let her know." Will turned and exited the office.

He contemplated his discussion with Peter on the short drive back to the office. This explained the time blocked out on Alicia's schedule for Thursday nights, but not her Tuesday appointments. He couldn't figure out why she would have kept this from him. It would have helped lower the destructive temperature between them. He began to wonder if she had kept it from him because of how he had treated her. He had to admit that once he thought she was cheating on him he hadn't exactly handled it well, and he had refused over and over to believe her when she denied his accusations. He knew full well it wasn't just Alicia that had been driving the wedge between them. He was at as much fault as she was. He began to recall all the awful things he'd said to her over the past months because he felt he couldn't trust her, and even if she wasn't sleeping with Peter, she could have been having an affair with someone else. She'd only denied sleeping with Peter.

He brushed the thought aside for the time being, and tried to be grateful for the fact that in all likelihood she had remained faithful to him. He had to admit he felt more relieved than he had in months, even if much of her behavior was still a mystery.

As he was about to turn the corner to the office, he signaled in the opposite direction, and headed for home.

Diane called just as he was about to enter the house. "You're not in jail I take it?"

"No. What do you need?"

"A Dr. Benson called a few minutes ago. He said he needed to talk to you, and that it was urgent."

Will paused just inside the house. "Did he say what he needed?"

"No. Do you know who he is?"

"Yes, he's the marriage counselor Alicia and I saw after Kate died."

"Maybe he needs representation," Diane offered.

"Maybe, tell Lisa to call him back, and give him my cell number. I won't be back in today. Veronica flew in earlier. The kids and I are going with her to see Alicia later this evening."

"That should be interesting," Diane stated, turning her gaze out the window in her office.

He sighed with a slight chuckle. "You mean because she and Alicia weren't exactly on speaking terms when she left the country with Bill six weeks ago?"

"Yes, has she spoken with Alicia since the accident?"

"No, I thought it would only confuse Alicia. And Veronica's cell coverage on the cruise ship was spotty.

They hung up, and Will entered the kitchen where Owen was making Grace a snack.

"When is grandma getting here?" Grace asked the two men standing in front of her.

"In about an hour," Will said, glancing at his watch.

"Why does grandma go away for so long? When mom went on vacation to visit Julia a few months ago, she was only gone for a few days, and she said she missed me and Zach a lot. Doesn't grandma miss Uncle Owen and mom?"

Owen stopped slicing the apple in his hand, and looked at Grace. "Yes, grandma misses us. But it's different when you're grown up. Your grandma... likes to travel, that's what makes her happy."

"But doesn't mom make her happy?"

"Yes,"

"Then why didn't she come home to see mom before now? Is it because of the argument they had?"

It was Will's turn. He decided honesty was probably the best route for the situation. "That is part of it. I think your grandma, and your mom needed some time apart, and it took awhile for Owen and me to get a hold of grandma. It took some time for grandma to make travel arrangements to get back home."

"Is the reason mom was coming home so late the night she got into the accident because of the argument she and I had? Maybe she didn't want to see me, like grandma didn't want to see mom. "

Will looked her right in the eye. "No Grace, this wasn't your fault, and I don't want you to think that for one minute." He looked down briefly. "Your mom was angry at me that night."

"Why?"

He sighed, running a hand under his chin. "We couldn't agree on some things."

"Are you still mad at her?"

He took a moment to gather his thoughts before responding. "Not exactly. I love your mom, and you, and Zach. Your mom loves both of you, and neither one of us is going anywhere. Is that what you're worried about?"

Grace nodded.

Will put his arm around her. "Don't be. Your mom and I will always be here for you."

* * *

Will and the kids went to Alicia's room when they got to the rehab center. Owen waited for Veronica who had been held up.

The kids were telling Alicia about their day when she glanced towards the door. Something had caught her ear. Will noticed the strange look on her face, and turned towards the door. Veronica was just outside talking to a nurse. Will looked back to Alicia whose gaze remained fixed on the door.

A minute later Veronica and Owen entered the room. Because of their past Veronica was slightly hesitant, so Owen spoke up first.

"Alicia, this is, "

"Mom," Alicia said, staring at Veronica as though she were seeing a ghost.

Everyone's eyes turned to Alicia, as silence filled the room. Alicia cupped her hands over her mouth and inhaled as tears began to fall from her eyes.

"Alicia, I'm so sorry," Veronica said. She hurried over to Alicia taking her hand, sitting on the edge of the sofa next to her. "Darling I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner. But I couldn't get away."

Veronica kept talking, Will watched Alicia, who looked like she was using everything she had to concentrate. He didn't dare hope that seeing Veronica had sparked some of Alicia's memories back to life.

"Veronica wait," he said.

The older woman looked over to Will. "Wait what? I need her to know how sorry I am for leaving on such bad terms. It's awful what's happened to her."

"Mom, she doesn't remember," Owen cut in.

Veronica stopped, and turned back to Alicia whose tears had continued to fall. "I remember you," she said, through her tears. "I heard your voice in the hall, and all these memories I've had flashing through my mind the past few days, seemed more familiar. Then when you walked in and I saw you, it all made sense."

Everyone, including the doctor's, were thrilled with her recollections. After talking some more with Veronica, it was like a switch had been flipped on in her mind. She was able to recall many memories from her childhood, including Owen as a small boy. Everyone was hopeful that in the weeks to come her memory would continue to improve.

It was getting late. Owen had taken the kids home for bed, Will had stayed with Veronica not wanting to miss the slight chance that Alicia would begin to recall things from her young adult life.

"Darling, I need to go. I'm exhausted from the flight. Will take your time, I can rest in the car for awhile."

After Veronica left Alicia looked at Will with a gentle smile across her lips. "Your speech is improving," he said, moving to sit next to her.

"Yes, also my memory apparently,"

He nodded, shifting to fit comfortably next to her, as had become custom when he came to spend time with her alone. "It's really good Leesh, really good."

They sat in silence for a few moments before she looked over to him. "I forgot, there is something I wanted to show you and the kids," Her eyes sparkled at the comment. "Help me stand up."

He stood, and helped her to a standing position.

"Now let go," she said, with a smile.

"But I don't want you to,"

"Just let go," she interrupted, with a light laugh.

He hesitantly released his grip on her, but didn't move away. He wanted to be able to catch her if she fell.

"See." The excitement in her eyes was evident. "I can stand... by myself,"

His lips curved into smile. He placed his arms around her waist without even thinking about it. This was the first time since the accident where she'd been able to stand with him. "That's great. All the hard work is paying off."

They continued to gaze into each other's eyes. Then he pulled her into a hug. He sensed the slight awkwardness of it for her. It took a moment for her to respond by placing her arms around him. This was the first real sign of physical affection he had shown her. But ever since he'd left Peter's office earlier in the day, his desire to have her in his arms had been strong. He missed her - terribly. And though his thoughts and emotions towards her were all over the map, once he found out that it was highly unlikely she had cheated on him, he missed her even more. He missed talking to her at night before they fell asleep, and having her in their home. He missed going to work with her, and talking to her throughout the day. He missed her smile, and the way she used to look at him. And he missed their physical contact. It had been months since they had slept together, months since they had had much physical contact at all. He held her for as long as he thought he could get away with, breathing in the scent of her hair, and feeling her in his arms.

It had seemed strange at first when he wrapped her into his embrace. Her first instinct had been to pull away, but there was something about the way he held her that seemed familiar, comfortable, calming. She rested her head against his chest. It seemed so natural it was almost scary for her.

He let go a few moments later. "I hope that was okay," he said, remaining in front of her.

She nodded with shy eyes looking up at him.

"Do you need anything before I go?"

"No," she looked away.

He could sense something wasn't quite right. "What's wrong?"

She looked back up at him, and smiled. "Nothing, I'm just tired."

He left a few minutes later, and once again she felt alone. Though she didn't really know what to expect once she left the rehab facility, seeing Veronica and remembering some of her childhood, she knew what home really meant again. She longed to be back in a place she could call home, even if that meant being there with Will and the kids, who she didn't remember, but liked, and was becoming more familiar with every day. That, she decided, would be much better than being here with nice people, but with whom she felt no real connection. She fell asleep that night with a new determination to gain strength back into her legs as quickly as possible so she could leave this place that was beginning to feel suffocating.


	10. Julia

Will pressed a finger to his phone, placing it to his ear, as he entered his office.

"Dr. Benson,"

"Will, I heard Alicia had been in an accident. I tried to call her a few times, but your office said she's still in a rehab facility. I was wondering how she was doing, and if I need to send her records over so they'll be aware of her condition, and make sure she keeps up on the medication I prescribed her."

Will dropped the file in his hand, and sat in the chair at his desk. He'd only been partially paying attention to what the doctor was saying.

"It's important she keep taking the medication. She was in pretty bad shape when she left my office a few weeks ago."

"Doctor, I didn't know she had been coming to see you, or that she was on any medication."

There was an audible sigh on the other end of the line. "She never told you did she?"

"Told me what?"

"Will, I can't go into it, doctor, patent confidentiality. I probably shouldn't have called, but I was worried, and she told me she had finally told you what was going on."

His mind was spinning in many directions, choosing to put on his legal hat for a minute. "Alicia was injured quite badly. Her memory is gone, for better or worse. I'm currently her power of attorney and health care proxy. If there is something that could affect her medically, I need to know."

"Will, I don't think we should do this over the phone. I'll come to you over my lunch break."

"Fine, I'll see you in a few hours." He hung up, and ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

* * *

A few hours later, Dr. Benson sat across from him in his office.

The doctor explained that Alicia had been coming to see him regularly since mid January. That she had been struggling in ways similar to what she had experienced five years earlier. He said he knew they had been having marital problems, and that had made things worse for Alicia.

"She had been coming to see you for nearly two months, and she didn't say a thing to me? I don't understand why." He was clearly frustrated. Had she really been so angry at him that she thought it was better to keep this from him, than to tell him, so he could help her through it? He looked right at the doctor who seemed just as concerned as he felt. "It would have been helpful to know. I could have helped her, instead of making things worse."

"Which is what I told her. But by the time she came to see me, things had gotten so bad she wasn't thinking rationally. She couldn't see that her actions were making things worse. She didn't want to put you through what she had five years ago, all over again."

"So she thought destroying our marriage was better?" he questioned, bitterly.

"Depression is an odd thing. It takes on many forms. It took me three weeks to get her to a point where I wasn't worried she would try and take her life. My main concern the first few weeks was not the marriage. That was going to come later, after the root of the problem could be managed."

"And the root was?"

"Losing the baby five years ago. The loss had consumed her again. Something happened that reopened her old wounds. When I started seeing her, she had convinced herself, again, that losing the baby was her fault. She felt like a failure, as a mother, as a wife, because of what had happened between you two, and at work. She thought the kids would be better off without her. That you no longer trusted, or loved her. She felt like the only thing she could fix, or be good at was her work.. And that if she could succeed at that, make herself feel like she had worth again, then the other areas of her life would get better, and the mess would go away."

Will put his hands to his face. He was more heartbroken than anything at this point. "That's why she started working so much. So what triggered it? What was this _event_ that set things off? Was it going to the meetings with Kerri Florrick?"

"No, I actually think that was the only thing that had held her together in the weeks before she finally came to see me. She told me things had gotten pretty bad between you two during those months. She kept it from you because you were fighting regularly, and she didn't want to add one more issue to the already long list of things you were at odds over."

He didn't deny it. It was the truth, and he knew some of it had been his fault.

"She told me she started having trouble in early October, but couldn't, or wouldn't, pin point exactly what had happened. It may not have been anything significant at the time, but added upon when she talked to Kerri."

"When she was depressed before, she wanted to sleep all the time, she could barely function. If it had gotten so bad again, how was she able to work the hours she did?" He hadn't put it together during the previous months, but he now realized it had been a long time since she had gotten up and out of bed before the kids had gone to school.

"This illness has many effects on people. Insomnia can be common. I'm certain that's how she kept the long hours. And you know as well as I do that she was shutting everything else out of her life, other than work."

"How did she keep your fees from showing up on the insurance?"

"She paid me in cash."

"Could the depression still affect her… now I mean. I told you about her current condition. Could the depression come back, even though she doesn't remember the baby now? Should she still be taking the medication?"

"It's hard to say. I had only convinced her to go back on the medication in our last meeting. She should be monitored, and if things take a turn for the worse we can decide what to do at that point. I will contact her therapists, send them her records, so they'll be aware of the condition she was in prior to the accident."

Both men stood, Will held out his hand to shake the doctor's. "Will, I'm sorry. Let me know if there is anything I can do, or if you need someone to talk to."

Will nodded his appreciation, and the doctor left his office.

* * *

He stopped to see Alicia on his way home from work. He paused at the door to her room, and watched her for a few moments, his heart heavy. If he had only known she was struggling, he thought he could have saved them from months of heartache and anger. He was still frustrated over the fact that she hadn't told him any of what the doctor had.

She was concentrating on writing something, but was clearly frustrated. One of the therapists was seated next to her.

She smiled at him when he entered the room, and sat next to her. "This is so frustrating," she said, holding up the pen in her hand. "I know I know how to write, but I can't get my hand to make the letters look right."

He couldn't help but smile, and laugh a bit under his breath. He reached for the pen taking it from her right hand, and putting it in her left. "You're left handed. Try now, see if it works better for you," a gentle smile across his lips.

She turned her attention back to the paper in her lap. A smile crossed her lips as her hand scribbled a few words, in good, very legible print.

"I'm sorry Alicia, I shouldn't have assumed you were right handed," the therapist acknowledged.

"It's okay," she replied.

Will chuckled again. The other two looked over to him. "You know, the funny thing about that is that I'm a lefty too. But the kids aren't. You should have seen us trying to teach them how to write their letters when they were little. It's not as intuitive as you would think."

Shortly after, the therapist finished up, and left them alone.

They talked for awhile. She gave him a recap of therapy for the day. He told her about some of his day. She asked him to bring her some law books to read, that the law seemed quite interesting to her. That she had been keeping up on the news involving a few recent Supreme Court decisions, and wanted to read up on the law. It was then he realized that having a laptop and access to the Internet might be of value for her. He'd work on getting her a new laptop.

"Leesh, in a few days, there is an old friend of yours flying in to see you. Her name is Julia. You two were roommates in college. I'd say she is your closest friend. She probably still knows things about you from college I don't."

"I thought Diane was my closest friend," she questioned.

"You and Diane are close, but Julia is your best friend. She lives in Seattle with her husband Josh, and her son Ethan. You don't see each other often, but you talk on the phone all the time. She wants to spend a few days with you."

"And she knows, I don't remember her?"

He nodded. "Yeah, she knows. And she can't wait to see you."

She smiled shyly at him. It was always a bit unnerving when new people showed up. She appreciated the heads up.

They sat quietly for a few minutes. She had turned her attention to finishing up the writing she had been working on. Will's discussion with Dr. Benson earlier in the day played at the forefront of his thoughts.

"Alicia,"

"Yes," she put the pen down, giving him her full attention.

"You're okay here right?"

She narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you feel good? Not physically, but you feel safe here? Are you happy?"

"Yeah, I guess. Last night after everyone left, I was a little sad, I would have rather gone with you and the kids. But I know I can't yet. Why?"

"I'm just wondering." He took her hands into his. "We would rather have you home with us as well. You're making good progress, maybe in a few more weeks. If you start to feel sad, or alone, I want you to call me okay? Don't think that something that makes you sad isn't worth telling me or someone else about. I'm going to bring you a new phone tomorrow. I'll put everyone's numbers in it so you can call whenever you want, and won't have to look up the numbers."

"Okay, thanks." She was grateful for the gesture, but trying to figure out the mood he was in. He seemed more quiet, and distant than he had before.

He stood. "I've got to go. Zach has a practice tonight."

"Finals start Saturday, right?" Her eyes shown enthusiasm, it helped warm Will's heart a few degrees.

"Yes, I think they'll make it to the championship game in a few more weeks. I have a few tricks up my sleeve for them to work on in practice tonight." He leaned over and kissed the top of her head. "I can stay longer tomorrow." She nodded, and he left.

* * *

"The kids are asleep." Julia said, entering the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine.

Will had to smile, she held so many of the same mannerisms and likes as Alicia, especially her love of wine. Julia was slim, with blue eyes, and brunette hair that fell to the middle of her back, a few shades lighter than Alicia's. She always seemed to carry an infectious smile. She moved to the opposite end of the sofa from Will.

"Thanks Jules, I'm sure the kids liked to have someone besides me read to them." He leaned forward resting his arms on his legs, fingering the glass in his hand.

She laughed. "Yeah, well it's only because I helped them build a tent to sleep in first." She shifted to get comfortable, curling her legs on the sofa.

"So how's Leesh? And don't sugar coat it Will. I'll be seeing her tomorrow."

He exhaled, and took a sip of his drink. "She's fine. Not much different from a few days ago when I talked to you."

"And… how are you?" her smile softened, her eyes filled with empathy.

He set his glass down, and turned to look at her. "Did you know Alicia was seeing a therapist again?"

She looked away, setting her glass on the coffee table. "Yes. I'm the one that talked her into it, when she came to visit me in January." She pulled her cardigan in tighter around herself, growing uneasy.

He stood and moved to the fireplace. "How much did she tell you about what was going on between us?" His hands moved to his hips.

"Enough to know that you had hurt her as much as I assume she was hurting you."

"Do you know why? Do you know what happened to her that eventually made her want to leave me?"

"I don't know everything, but some."

"Help me out here Jules. Our marriage was falling apart, she was seeing a therapist again, which I was unaware of until three days ago." He was desperate for answers. "I get that it was possible for her to have issues related to Kate again. But I don't understand why she wouldn't confide in me."

"I know what she told me, and it wasn't that simple Will." She stood and moved to the window, looking out at the darkened yard.

"Then I'm clearly missing something, because in my mind it is that simple. If grieving over Kate was the issue, she should have told me. I would have helped her, supported her." He was confused at her behavior more than anything else. Past the point of anger, and far beyond sorrow at this point.

"I went to bed one night with a wife who professed her dying love to me, and in the blink of an eye she distanced herself, and acted like she could barely stand to be in the same room with me. The thing I'm worried about now is that she stopped loving me. If she gets those memories back and she didn't want to be with me anymore, then what?" He ran a hand through his hair. "I don't want to lose her again… for a third time."

She turned to face him. "You don't have to worry about that. She did love you." Her eyes shone through with sincerity, and anguish. "But this wasn't one sided Will. How do you think she felt? You accused her of having an affair. An affair, from a woman who was more in love and devoted to you than any one I've ever known. And when she told you she wasn't having an affair - told you the truth - you wouldn't believe her." She stepped closer to him. "That was devastating for her. She was angry, and hurt, and that's some of the reason she kept everything else from you. She thought you didn't love her as much as you used to. That maybe you had accused her of an affair because you wanted to cheat on her, or wanted out all together."

He looked down at the dark wood floor under his feet. "I never meant for her…" he was frustrated and a little ashamed of some of his actions during those months.

"I know. I know you never meant to hurt her like that. By the time she came to see me, and I found out what was going on, she knew it too. But by then she was buried so deep in her other issues, she couldn't see a way out, a way back."

"So it was my fault?" he said, calmly.

"No, you were both to blame. Her mental state was to blame."

He slumped back onto the couch. "She still loved me?" he looked right into her eyes. This was the one thing that had bothered him for months, not knowing if she still loved him.

Julia shook her head, a few tears forming. "Yes, she loved you so much. She just felt so alone, and helpless. You were her strength, her side kick, her better half, you always had been. And when she thought she had lost that, she could barely live with herself."

She inhaled, and moved to sit next to him. Her heart ached for him, for both of them. "I'll ell you what I know, if you think it will help. But if she ever remembers these past months, you have to swear to me you will never tell her we talked about this." She raised her brow to him.

"I promise,"

She nodded, and shifted to get comfortable. "Keep in mind she wasn't mentally stable through most of those months. I didn't know anything was wrong between you two until she came to visit me in January. That weekend became the turning point for her. Things probably didn't seem better after that for you, but she really was trying, and it was all because of you. Do you remember calling her while she was gone?"

He looked away, thinking back to those four days she had been gone. "Yes, but why is that important?"

"Because you told her you missed her, and she believed it." He recalled that it had been around that time that he had decided to give things another shot. That he thought trying to show her he still loved her, might make a difference.

"We were going to go out, have a girl's night. You called a few minutes before we were going to leave. She talked to the kids, and then she talked to you for a few minutes. I knocked on the bedroom door awhile later when she hadn't come down so we could leave. When I went in she was sitting on the bed her knees pulled into her chest, her head down, and she was sobbing. I've never seen her cry like she did that night. She said she'd ruined everything, and that she knew it was her fault for getting to the place she was with you. She thought you didn't love her anymore, that you didn't trust her. She didn't think you would ever forgive her. But then with three simple words, you had changed everything. It meant everything to her that you hadn't given up on her, like she had given up on herself. After that call, for the first time in months, she finally felt like there was a sliver of hope. That maybe she hadn't lost everything like she thought she had. You should know that your attempts at calming the waters, and trying to show her you still cared in the weeks after that, didn't go unnoticed."

She paused for a few moments, gathering her thoughts. "There's something from that night I think you should know. Something she made me swear I would never tell you. Know that I wanted to call, and tell you to drop everything, get on a plane to come be with her. But she would have viewed it as a betrayal on my part."

He ran his hands over his face, shaking his head. "Okay, let's here it."

"Hours later, when we were done talking and emotionally exhausted, she gave me a bottle of pills she had with her. She told me to get rid of them. That she didn't trust herself with them, and that she needed to book a flight home, because she hadn't planned on coming back home."

She bit her lower lip and looked away from Will. The reality of what she was saying hitting him like a ton of bricks. "I don't know that she would have actually gone through with anything. But I'd hate to know what would have happened if you hadn't talked to her that night."

He exhaled, and stood again, taking a few steps towards the fireplace again. "I can't believe things had gotten that bad." His eyes fell upon a photo of him and Alicia sitting on the mantle.

"She hid it well. I spent nearly three full days with her, and I had no idea anything was wrong until that night. She was very pulled together for someone who was suffering like she was."

He shook his head. "Do you know if there was something specific that triggered all of this in the first place?"

She ran her hand over her face, partially in exhaustion from traveling, partially because she felt slightly guilty confessing all of Alicia's secrets. "Yes, it was a case she was working on."

He wasn't expecting this, and turned to face her again, confusion written all over his features. "What case?"

She looked away briefly.

"Jules,"

"A case you told her to stay away from."


	11. The Case

**AN; So sorry for the delay on this. I appreciate all the reviews and follows! This chapter continues on with Will and Julia's discussion. A few have asked about Alicia's missing ring. Don't worry, I will get back to that.**

Will continued to stare at Julia in confusion from across the room. "I would never tell Alicia to stay away from a case," he insisted.

Julia just sighed, curling her legs beneath her. "Look Will, all I know is that there was a suit against a hospital for trying to protect one of their top doctors from malpractice over labor and delivery."

"The Davidson, Chicago General case? Alicia didn't work on that. I told her we should both stay out of that mess, and we did." Will's thoughts shifted back to six months prior.

 _He stood just outside Alicia's office door, watching her concentrate on her work. It was something he had done routinely over the ten years since Lockhart, Gardner, & Gardner had formed, and they began working together. These stolen moments always brought a smile to his lips. _

_Even though they had recently celebrated eighteen years of marriage, he would never get over her beauty or the way she made him feel complete. He was proud to be living the life they had built together._

 _She caught a glimpse of him from the corner of her eye. "Are you going to just stand there staring at me, or did you actually have reason for lingering at my door?" she smiled broadly at him, and got up from her desk to meet him in the middle of the room. A sheepish grin was now slapped across his face._

 _"I was just thinking about our long weekend together," he hummed moving closer pressing his lips to hers. She responded in kind until the moment was broken with a light chuckle from Diane who entered the office._

 _They both turned to her slightly embarrassed._

" _Don't mind me," she said, waving a hand, moving past them. "You two are always like this for weeks after you've had some time away together." She sat on the sofa opposite them._

 _"Are we?" Alicia said in a teasing tone, raising a brow to Will. They both knew it was the absolute truth._

 _This only caused Diane to laugh some more. "I'm just as guilty when Kurt shows up unexpectedly. And anyway, I'm used to this affection you two think you're so discreet with after all these years. Let's not forget the day I walked into Will's office three weeks after your honeymoon and found the reason my most promising associate was twenty minutes late to an important client meeting was because he was completely distracted by his wife's lips." She raised her brow to them,_

 _They all shared in the laughter. "And yet, you didn't fire me," he commented moving to sit next to her._

 _"I should have. We almost lost that company as clients because of you."_

 _"Why didn't you fire me?" He sat back opening the file in his lap._

 _She looked at him over the rim of her glasses. "I liked your wife. She respected my position as your boss, but she wasn't afraid to share her educated opinion with me either. Alicia always talked to me like a colleague, instead of acting like I was the queen of England, like so many other young associates seemed to do."_

 _"So Alicia was the only reason you didn't fire me?" He couldn't help but chuckle._

 _Diane's serious gaze remained, although she was about to laugh aloud. "Yes..."_

 _Alicia chuckled. Will feigned hurt._

 _"And like I said, you were my most promising associate."_

 _Will's eyes fell on Alicia whose gaze met his. "I married well," he said gently._

 _"You did, and don't forget it, because I'd take her over you if I ever had to make such a choice!"_

 _Will just smiled shaking his head. It was useless to plead his case with these two women who sat next to him. They both held his sway and affection in completely different ways, and they both knew it. "Can we get back to the topic at hand, instead of you two planning my exit from the firm?" he chuckled, looking back to his file._

 _The two women laughed. Alicia placed a gentle hand on his arm. "Don't feel bad. Even if you get out voted here more than you would like, you hold just as much power as I do at home with the kids."_

 _He only smiled. "I'm not so sure about that, but it's a discussion for another day. And if you keep this banter up, you know the consequences Mrs. Gardner!"_

 _Alicia laughed, turning her attention to the file Will handed her._

 _The three discussed upcoming cases, including the malpractice suit. Will was hesitant when Diane had originally mentioned the new case to him. He told her to use discretion when they discussed it with Alicia. He knew this malpractice suit against the hospital, and ultimately the physician who had been the cause of at least five infant deaths due to his negligence, would infuriate her._

 _He wasn't wrong. As Diane discussed the case, leaving out as many details as possible, Will watched intensely. He could almost see Alicia's blood getting to a boiling point._

 _After their meeting, Will hung behind to talk to Alicia._

 _"Can you believe this Will!" She was outraged. "That man should have to spend the rest of his life in prison. I can't believe the hospital is defending his actions." She continued to pace in front of him._

 _He moved over to her, placing his hands on her arms to stop her movement, and help calm her down. She was wound as tight as a knot. "I know it's outrageous. And we will win this case. But I think we should let Diane and Karen handle it. You and I need to stay out of this one. It hits too close to home for us, and it's bound to turn into an ugly emotional battle."_

 _"You mean I should stay out of this, because I might get too emotionally involved?" she said, with a gentle hint of disappointment._

 _He looked away briefly. "Yes. I'm not going to lie to you Leesh. You know exactly the kinds of things this case will involve, and there is no reason to place yourself - ourselves - in a position that might force us to relive some of the worst moments of our lives."_

 _She moved from out of his grasp. "Our situation was different. The doctor wasn't at fault in our case. I want to help with this."_

 _He sighed, placing his hands in his pockets. "I don't think it's smart. It's Diane's case, and she can handle it."_

 _She folded her arms across her chest, leaning against her desk. "I know you're right. It's better this way. But it doesn't make it any less infuriating, or cause me to want to strangle that man any less."_

 _He moved to her again, pulling her close, placing a gentle kiss to her forehead. "Me either, but we have to let this one go." She nodded in acknowledged defeat, grateful she had him to calm, and bring her back to level mindedness._

" _Let's take the kids out for dinner tonight," he mused, looking into her eyes. He could feel the built up tension in her muscles._

 _"It's the middle of the week," she protested, knowing that by the time they got finished with work, and he got home with Grace from soccer practice, it would be well past eight._

 _"It will be fun, spontaneous! I'll call Abbey, and tell her to give the kids a good snack. We can surprise them. Their strict, never stray from the schedule during the week parent's, can be fun sometimes."_

 _She couldn't help but smile at his enthusiasm. "You mean their strict, scheduled mother?" she raised a brow to him._

 _"I wasn't going to point that out, but..." he ran his hands along her arms._

 _She lightly patted his chest. "Hey I can be fun to you know?"_

 _He moved closer to her. "Yes, and tonight after they've had their fun, and are in bed, I'll run a warm bath for you for some adult fun!"_

 _She kissed his cheek, and moved back to her desk. "Mmm, tempting. If you put them to bed, maybe I'll let you join me in the bath." She winked at him, and then pretended to get back to her work._

 _"I was hoping as much!" he whispered, and then turned leaving her office._

Julia continued. "She led you to believe she hadn't worked on that case. In fact she did stay away from it for two weeks. But then one day the other attorney on the case couldn't find Diane, and had some questions. So she went and asked Alicia's opinion. An hour later, statements from bereaved parents, photos, deposition notes, lay strewn across Alicia's desk. She just couldn't get it out of her mind, and she wasn't about ready to let this doctor get away with ruining these parents' lives. So she offered to do research, and help with briefs, off the books of course. She told me Diane ended up putting another attorney on the case because you guys had… how did she put it? The case of your lives landed in your laps."

Will smiled. "It was a pretty good case. One that increased our year to date income by quite a bit, but it destroyed our personal lives. I think we were all getting about four hours of sleep a night for nearly two months. We're getting too old for that kind of stuff."

"Yes, but that case gave Alicia an excuse to work a few late nights on the malpractice case. She was physically and emotionally drained. I gathered from what she told me that all three of you were. It's no wonder you two started having problems, aside from the fact that by Thanksgiving the malpractice case was over, it had taken its emotional toll on her. Then you accused her of an affair, and neither one of you were getting enough sleep to handle the larger, unspoken issues at hand."

Will ran a hand through his hair. "And things just got worse from there."

"Apparently."

Will took the last of his drink into his mouth, letting the liquid burn his throat on its way down. He shook his head. "We never should have taken that malpractice case."

"There was no way for you to have known what would happen Will. I hate to say it, but Alicia is the one that got herself into that mess."

"I know." He slumped back into the cushions of the sofa. "Answer me this. If she was trying to turn things around, knew I still loved her, wanted to fix things, why did she want a separation?"

It was Julia who looked surprised this time, and furrowed her brow. "She really asked for a separation?"

"Yes, the whole reason she got into the accident was because we had an argument and she told me we needed some time apart."

Julia sighed, and stood making her way back to the kitchen to refill her drink. She turned and faced Will from the other side of the bar. He didn't like the expression on her face.

"What?"

"Are you sure it was accident?"

He couldn't believe she would even suggest Alicia would have purposefully caused the car accident. Although it did cause him to pause briefly to consider it, now knowing her mental state at the time. He quickly dismissed the idea.

"What did the police report say? Who was at fault for the accident?"

He stood and moved to stand opposite the bar from her. "No one was at fault. It was snowing, the roads were slick. There was a layer of black ice. Alicia was driving through an intersection, and a truck slid on the ice unable to stop at the red light. The truck hit the passenger side of her car pushing her into oncoming traffic where her car was hit again causing it to spin out and finally come to a stop at the curb across the intersection. It's a miracle she even lived through it. You should have seen her car, it was completely totaled. There is no reason to believe she did anything to cause that accident."

She shook her head. "Okay, I believe you." She moved to sit next to him on the bar stools. "I don't know why she thought you needed time apart. She called me the day before the accident, because she was upset about going back on medication. She didn't say anything about wanting to separate. She wasn't herself Will. This depression… no one saw it coming. She didn't see it coming. It just hit her like a fever." She took a sip of her drink, and then reached out for his hand, placing hers on top of his. "Don't worry, it will all work out."

"I don't know Jules." He was less optimistic about things when he was tired, and it had been two weeks since Alicia had remembered knowing Veronica. Her memory of her past hadn't improved since.

"Let's be honest here Will. You feel guilty about the past. You want answers that you may never get, just so you can move on. But the past isn't the real issue. It's the future that scares you the most. You're afraid the woman you love more than life itself, will never return. That you're going to live with a complete stranger for the rest of your ice. That everything is going to be different now. You're worried you'll always hold these past months against her, even though you know that isn't fair."

Sometimes he hated how brutally honest she was. It was true, all of it. He was scared to death as to what the future held, and worried things would never be the same between himself and Alicia again. It didn't make him angry, it made him deeply sad. He would always love her. He knew this from the depths of his soul. But would Alicia love him back?

He didn't have to answer her, he just nodded in agreement. "It's going to all work out Will."

He looked over to her. She could have read his doubt from miles away. "I've been around since the beginning, and you two were always meant to be together. I've never doubted it. Not even during the time she dated Peter. She was never as happy as she was when she was with you. She was never really herself without you."

She stood placing a gentle hand to his shoulder. "Give her some time. The Alicia we all know is in there somewhere. She'll come back to you - she always does." She moved past him and headed to bed.

He moved back to the sofa, and opened the album Julia had brought with her to share with Alicia. It held memories from their college days. He hoped seeing Julia, and some of the photos from those days would jog Alicia's memory in some way.

Later he lay in bed pondering Julia's words. Maybe she was right. Maybe it was time to forgive Alicia for the pain they had suffered in previous months and start looking towards the future - their future. No matter what that might hold. He had to begin thinking in terms that she may never recall their past. That for her their life together started six weeks ago. It was hard to swallow, and he didn't know if he could do it. But with every passing day, it was becoming more and more the reality they were living in.

He turned to his side, and looked at the empty space next to him. They hadn't spent this many nights in separate beds since before their last few weeks of college. He missed watching her sleep, and the quiet sound of her breathing next to him at night. Trying to meld their past, and form their future at the same time wasn't going to be easy. But it was time to face that reality.


	12. Partnership

**A/N; I appreciate the reviews from everyone the past week or so! One more chapter after this, and then we'll get Alicia home! As always, feedback is much appreciated!  
**

 _Diane and Will sat at lunch together in a crowded New York restaurant. She couldn't help but notice the tiredness in his eyes, but she knew it was the effects of work, and having a newborn in the house. "How are Alicia and the baby?" she questioned, setting her menu down._

 _Will assumed this meeting was to discuss the current case he was working on. He'd made partner just a year before. Diane being a friend, and the senior partner over him, liked to periodically check up on him, and his case load. She had always started out their lunch meetings by asking about Alicia. She was genuinely interested in his wife. He and Diane had become an unlikely match as friends early on in his days at the firm. Partially influenced by Alicia who had always been up for a lively discussion in Diane's presence, and whom Diane had been up against in court enough times time to know Alicia knew what she was doing. Diane had been one on a short list of colleagues who had been invited to, and attended their wedding._

 _Diane couldn't help but smile now at the fact that marriage had been good for Will. Alicia always pushed him to be his best. She'd understood the importance of putting in long hours at the beginning of one's law career, and it had paid off for both of them. Alicia had made partner just six years into her career, a good year before most associates would even be considered. Will had made partner a year later at his firm._

 _Sitting here now with Diane, a year into his partnership, he was grateful the days of paying their early associate dues was long past. They still kept long hours periodically, but gone was the pressure of being an associate._

 _"Zach and Alicia are good, really good. He started sleeping through the night a few weeks ago, which has improved his parent's moods significantly."_

 _Diane smiled, and pulled a large from her bag. "Good. I'm looking forward to lunch with her this weekend."_

 _"She is too,"_

 _Diane removed her glasses, and set them on the table. "Will, there is something I wanted to talk to you about. I have a friend who runs a firm in Chicago. I started out working under him. He broke off from the firm, and took his business to Chicago a number of years ago. He's recently decided to retire."_

 _Will was listening attentively wondering where this conversation was going exactly, continuing to pick at his food._

 _"He's offered to sell his firm to me."_

 _Will stopped eating, and looked up at her. She had his full attention now. "In Chicago?"_

 _"Yes"_

 _"Are you considering it?"_

 _"I've already accepted. He's got a good business built up there. It's small, but lucrative, with a lot of potential."_

 _"And we're meeting today so you could tell me you are leaving New York, and the firm? Sounds promising." He was happy for his business partner._

" _It will be." She sat back in her chair, and folded her arms. "Alicia is from Chicago isn't she?"_

" _Yes. Her mother and brother are still there." He eyed her, sensing her hesitancy in where the conversation was headed._

" _I was wondering if you would consider joining me in Chicago?"_

 _Caught somewhat off guard, he didn't respond immediately. "As a partner in your firm?"_

 _She smiled, leaning forward placing her arms on the table. "As a name partner in my firm, it would be our firm."_

 _He was speechless. This was certainly the last thing he was expecting to discuss over lunch. "Diane, I..."_

 _"I know it would be a big change for you and Alicia. But I think we could really build something great there. And the hours might be more conducive to raising a family. I think it would allow us for more of a life. And the Chicago suburbs would be a great place for you and Alicia to raise your family." She had looked into all of this because she knew he'd ask about it._

 _"What about Alicia? I can't ask her to give up her job for me. She's worked too hard to get where she is to give it up."_

 _"I was hoping she would join us. Make it a three partner firm. I'd like to stop losing to her in court, and have her on my side for once." They both laughed._

 _"You want Alicia and I to run a firm with you?" They had a good working relationship. He was just surprised that of all the people she could have asked to join her, she was asking him. He was honored really._

 _"I can't think of two people I'd rather be in business with! There would be start up costs, but within a year I think we could make all the money back, and then some."_

 _He wiped the edges of his mouth with his napkin. He had to admit it would be appealing to see his name on the letterhead along side Alicia's. It's what they had always wanted, to run a firm together, to work together. To be able to make their dream a reality years before they thought possible, was an opportunity he couldn't pass up. He just hoped Alicia would view it the same._

 _"Talk to Alicia, let me know by weeks end."_

 _He nodded, as they turned their attention to his current case._

 _/  
_

 _He wrapped his arms around Alicia, when she made her way to him after putting Zach to bed. His tired eyes shown nothing but love as he pressed his lips to hers. "How's the most beautiful woman in the world tonight?" He smiled pressing his head to hers._

 _"Good. I'll warm some food for you." She took his hand leading him to the kitchen._

 _She sat next to him sipping some tea, while he ate. She always waited up for him no matter how late. Sometimes, these late hours of the night were their only time together. She told him about her day, and the things she'd done with Zach. Being a mother had changed her. Being parents had changed both of them. He finished eating, and took her hands into his._

 _"What would you think if we moved to Chicago, and started our own firm?"_

 _She just smiled, and laughed lightly, placing a kiss to his cheek. "Sounds wonderful, maybe we could do it in a few more years." She moved to place herself on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck._

 _"I was thinking sooner."_

" _You didn't get fired did you?" Her smile disappeared. She was suddenly very concerned._

 _He shook his head and grinned up at her. He explained Diane's proposal from earlier in the day._

" _There's a lot to work out, and it would mean moving, but our own firm Alicia." he said, with enthusiasm. "A firm that's already established."_

 _She cupped his face in her hands. "I'm so proud of you. This wouldn't be happening if you hadn't worked so hard all these years. You did it - for us." The love in her eyes was evident._

 _"No we did it. You've worked just as hard as I have, and Diane took notice." He stood lifting her from the floor spinning her around. "Our own firm Leesh!"_

 _Her lips crashed into his, as he set her back on the floor. Sometime later her head rested on his bare chest. "I want to buy a house when we move," she said, running a finger in circles on his arm. "No more apartment living. Zach is going to need a place to run around." She turned her head to look at Will. He brought his hand to her chin. "And any siblings that come along."_

 _He shifted to his elbows next to her. "A house full of little me's and little you's!"_

 _She laughed out loud tilting her head back. "Just keep in mind who has to give birth to all these little beings."_

 _"You don't want more?" His smile turned to a straight line across his lips._

 _"I didn't say that. One or two more seems right."_

 _He settled back down next to her. "I can handle that."_

* * *

Diane sat staring out the window, her work long forgotten. Her mind had wondered to that day she'd asked Will to join her. It had been a difficult nine months after that day, moving, establishing themselves, hiring employees. But it had been worth it. She would never regret her decision in choosing Will and Alicia to run the firm with her.

She had always assumed that her two young partners would long outlast her working days. She never imagined that just ten short years after opening their doors, they would be facing the possibility that Alicia's career was over.

It deeply saddened her to even think she and Will would have to have the discussion she intended for later in the day. But rumors were beginning to spread among their colleagues. She and Will had deflected the truth for as long as they could. People would be expecting Alicia back at work in the next few weeks, and that wasn't going to happen. Not for now.

"You look worried," Kurt said, entering the house noticing Diane staring blankly out the window in front of her. He moved behind her placing his arms around her waist, bringing her closer to him. She looked up at him pressing a kiss to his cheek before returning her gaze to the large yard in front of them. They had two homes, her apartment in the city, and Kurt's house, an hour out of town on a large lot, which held a good portion of his business. She enjoyed being here, getting away from the noise, and fast pace of the city.

"I am worried," she remarked with a tired tone. "I'm going to talk to Will tonight while he and the kids are here."

Kurt ran his comforting hands over her arms. "It was bound to come up at some point. You two can't avoid the topic forever."

"I know. It's not Will I'm worried about. It's the arguments I know will ensue among the firm in a fight for Alicia's seat."

"Are you going to allow someone to take her seat?"

"I don't want to, but I'm going to leave that up to Will. Although I'm sure it's the last thing on his mind. We don't need another name partner, but I don't know that some of our colleagues will view it that way once they know the true extent of Alicia's condition. And you know how Will is when his wife's reputation is at hand. He'll do his best to be civil, but this is going to be very difficult for him." She had discussed this with Kurt at some length in the past day, and even more grateful to have him in her life.

He embraced her, causing her to turn and face him. "I'm sure it will all work out."

She nodded. "I know, it's just difficult to think Alicia may never work on another case with Will and I. It makes one take a step back to evaluate one's life. Everything can be taken from you in a matter of seconds."

"Okay, now you're depressing even me." He smiled down at her, and took her hand. "Let's go for a drive, clear our heads," he suggested.

She appreciated his positive attitude, and attempt at distracting her mind for awhile. "Okay, but I need to stop at the market on the way back. Grace specifically asked if we could have strawberry shortcake for dessert tonight, and I don't keep any whipping cream in this house."

Kurt chuckled. "I'm well aware."

"You'll thank me years from now for doing my best to keep you healthy!"

He just nodded, and smiled as they turned to leave the house.

* * *

Nearing the end of April, the weather was beginning to warm. The kids always liked being at Kurt and Diane's house, the yard was much larger than their own in the city. They were allowed to throw and hit baseballs without having to go down the street to the park. Alicia always worried that at their ages it would be to easy to hit a ball right through a window of the house.

Diane watched from the large window in the kitchen, noticing how relaxed Will seemed tossing a ball to Grace, and showing Zach exactly how to move his wrist to get the perfect pitch. He was definitely in his element with a ball in his hand.

As it got later Will sat next to Diane on the back porch, while Kurt took the kids around the house to the shed to get some wood for the fire pit.

"Thanks for dinner Diane," Will said, bringing his drink to his lips.

"Any time. Although my cooking will never match that of Alicia's," she commented pulling her jacket around her more tightly.

He chuckled. "Well it's far better than mine. I haven't seen the kids eat so much in weeks."

"Is Julia still n town?"

"Yes, she flies out tomorrow. She's been great. We've all enjoyed having her around, and she's practically spent the past two days with Alicia. I can only imagine the stories she's told her, that I'll have correct at some point." They both chuckled.

"Will, we need to talk." Her tone sounded more serious than she had intended.

"About what?" He looked over to her, setting his drink on the table in front of him.

She took a deep breath before beginning. "We need to decide what to do about Alicia and the firm."

His expression shown concern. "I know." He leaned forward clasping his hands in his lap. "I don't know what to do," he admitted gazing off in the distance.

"I don't like this any more than you. But we need to do something with her client's. We can't keep stringing everyone along as if things are fine."

He shook his head, inhaling the crisp evening air. "I keep thinking something will change, that she'll snap out of this, but..." He sighed and moved to the railing turning to face her. "I can't deal with the idea that she may never practice law again right now. If she doesn't get her memory back, there are a thousand steps between where we are now and figuring out if she would be capable, and even legally allowed to practice law again. Would she have to take the Illinois bar again? Will client's trust her if they know what has transpired? She's still got her impeccable intelligence, her memory since the accident is almost scary she remembers things in such detail. But practicing law is not just a walk in the park." He sighed. "This was our dream Diane. I don't want to just take it all away from her."

She stood and moved next to him. "I know, and neither do I. It's still early. We don't know what will happen in a few months time. This entire conversation could be irrelevant for all we know."

He looked almost desperate standing there in the fading sunlight. "Yes, but the more time that passes..." He turned placing his hands on the railing. "It's time to tell people." He sighed with a burden she was grateful to not have.

"We do need to let employees and clients know. But I don't think we need to close the door on the idea of her coming back at some point. We may lose some of her clients, and we'll just have to deal with that."

He looked at her, his eyes set firm. "I don't want her name removed from the letterhead. I understand that her share of the income this quarter will be based on the work she did prior to her leave, but she holds equity in the firm. That still needs to be paid on a quarterly basis. That income isn't based on billables. It feels wrong to remove her as a name partner, but we'll have to."

"Yes, but we can always reinstate her later on. And I wouldn't dream of removing her name from the firm title."

"Good. Then we're agreed. No one takes Alicia's seat. If we have to have the firm bi laws rewritten we will, but under no circumstances will I even entertain the idea of replacing her."

"Okay, glad we're on the same page. It will be easier to fight the battle that may ensue if we're united on our decision."

He nodded as the kids appeared, arms loaded with firewood. "We need to tell Alicia. I think it's important for her to know, and have a say in things that directly involve her." He smiled at Grace from across the yard.

"I agree. Let's do it during lunch tomorrow. I've been meaning to go see her anyway."

They watched as Kurt and the kids set the kindling a flame. Kurt helped them add additional wood to keep the flames going. "How much longer before she can come home?" Diane asked.

"Soon I hope. She's slow, but making progress. She can get around on her own now with little or no assistance. Really the thing she's struggling the most at this point, is her up and downward movements, like climbing stairs. She get's so frustrated, and I can't blame her, but her brain can't seem to figure out how to tell her legs to move up or down."

"Daddy, can we roast marshmallows?" Grace called from across the yard where Zach and Kurt were setting up the lawn chairs around the fire.

"I don't know. You already had strawberry shortcake, with more whipping cream than cake itself. That might be enough sugar for one night."

Diane couldn't help but chuckle at the disappointed pout across the nine year olds lips. "I think we can roast marshmallows," she chimed in, moving from Will down the stairs, walking towards the others. "And since this is my house, I get to out vote your father." She briefly turned her head towards Will with a grin and raised brow.

He only chuckled and moved to join them. "Okay, I guess it's alright. But don't tell your mother. I get the sense she still wouldn't approve of so much sugar so close to bedtime."

They spent the next hour roasting marshmallows, and listening to Kurt tell the kids a story that he made sound so realistic, even Will and Diane weren't certain if it was true or not.

Grace was nearly asleep, her head resting against her father's shoulder, by the time Kurt was finished. He carried her sleepy body to the car. Her drowsy hazel colored eyes, and dark curls reminding him so much of her mother. He hoped the next time they were invited to dinner Alicia would be at his side.

He called Alicia as they pulled away from Kurt and Diane's to see how she and Julia were doing, and to tell her he and Diane would be by the following day.

After saying their goodbyes, Alicia set the phone down, and turned her attention back to Julia who sat next to her, photo album in hand. The two had been looking through the photo's for quite some time, Julia telling her all about their college days together.

Alicia curled her legs beneath her, her gaze fixed on a photo of she and Will at graduation. "Can I ask you something?" Alicia avoided making eye contact with her friend.

"Anything," the brunette responded, noticing a change in Alicia's mood.

"Does Will still love me?" she looked up at Julia's confused expression. "I mean now that this has happened, and I don't remember anything about our past, does he still want to be married to me, or is he just acting the way he is because he feels obligated to take care of me?"

Julia furrowed her brow. "Alicia, where is this coming from?"

Alicia looked away. "I overheard him talking to one of my therapists the other day and… I'm just wondering."


	13. More Doubt

**A/N; I very much enjoyed reading the thoughtful reviews from the last chapter. Thank you all for responding.**

Alicia had taken an immediate liking to Julia from the moment she had walked into the room with Will the previous day. Like the kids, Julia hadn't seemed to feel awkward around her, but acted as if they were picking right back up from where they had left off the last time they had talked.

Julia had followed her around the facility all weekend. She'd eaten with her, waited patiently during some of her therapy sessions, and even convinced the physical therapist to allow her to exercise right alongside Alicia earlier in the day. They all got a good chuckle after Julia had run a few miles on the treadmill, while Alicia was doing some leg exercises.

"That treadmill has got to be my least favorite thing in this whole place." Alicia commented, as Julia sat next to her taking a sip of her water. "Every day this guy," she pointed to her physical therapist who was near by, "makes me walk forever on that thing. He thinks he's being helpful when we increase the pace, but I'm not convinced," she said, sarcastically.

Julia chuckled. "That doesn't surprise me. Running is your least favorite form of exercise. It always has been. Will always wanted for you two to train and run a marathon together. You flat out told him that was never going to happen. I'd be willing to bet that's one of the only things you've ever refused to do with him."

"Really?" Alicia questioned, getting back to her leg lifts.

Julia just smiled, and shook her head. "Yes! Don't get me wrong, Will would never put you in any danger, but you guys came to visit me about a year after you were married. I was pretty surprised he convinced you to jump off some cliff into the ocean with him. That was really out of your comfort zone."

"Was it dangerous?" She couldn't even imagine herself doing that now.

"Not really,. It was a fairly common place for people to jump into the pacific."

These little snippets into her past Julia had been providing in the past few days, were helpful in many ways. It gave her a sense of who she used to be. Even more interesting, in her opinion, was how it helped in gaining a larger picture of her relationship with Will.

"Does he run now?" Alicia wondered. Will was fit, there was no question. She could just about imagine his toned muscles, she'd been able to feel through his clothing the few times he'd embraced her.

"He does, nearly every morning as far as I know."

"Alicia looked across the room. "And what do I do to... stay healthy if I don't run?"

"You walk, do yoga, Pilates sometimes. You play tennis."

"Tennis? I can't even imagine." It was difficult picturing herself able to do something that must take an awful lot of coordination.

"You're pretty good at it actually. You played on the school team during high school, and have kept it up some over the years. I think you and Will have a membership at some tennis and golf club." She couldn't help but laugh a bit. "You know one of those places that us common folks can't afford to go." Even the therapist laughed at the comment.

"Is that bad?" Alicia raised a brow to her.

"No, it's just a bit funny because you two are some of the most down to earth people I know. You don't fit the "club member" profile. I think the main reason you hold a membership there is for the indoor/outdoor pools for the kids, and I'm sure it doesn't hurt in the image you two have as some of Chicago's top attorneys."

"Top attorneys?"

"Yes! Hasn't Will told you?" Julia replied with a chuckle. "You, Will and Diane, are very good at what you do."

Alicia wasn't so sure she wanted to know this small bit of information. It seemed like a lot to live up to.

She continued to ask Julia questions throughout the day, many in regards to Will. It was easy enough for her to gather over the past few weeks a sense for the kind of person he was. But asking questions about him was helpful in validating what she sensed.

That night they were looking through the album Julia had brought, filled with photos from college.

"Did I like being a lawyer?" Alicia asked thumbing through the pages of the album.

"Yes, very much. And you took law school very seriously. You knew exactly what job you wanted, and you worked hard to get it. Will and I used to tease you because every so often you could barely put your textbooks down long enough to have any fun with us. By your 3L year, Will finally made a rule that no studying was allowed from seven pm Saturday night until noon on Sunday."

"Are you a lawyer too?"

She laughed out loud. "No! And I never understood you two and your enthusiasm over finding a new case to use for your mock trial. Or your need to call him at midnight one day to tell him you had found a really old text book on constitutional law at the library, and would he like to meet you for lunch the next day to look at it. I would make a horrible attorney," she admitted, curling her legs up onto the sofa. "I don't have the patience to read through documents for hours just so I can defend a guy who may or may not be innocent. I am perfectly happy teaching finance to grad students."

Alicia smiled shifting to bring the book to her lap. "So Will and I were always together?"

"Together, as in you spent more time with him than anyone else, yes. In love , no. Well, I'm pretty sure Will was in love with you from the moment he set eyes on you. I've never seen or known, a man to be so head over heels for a woman, and he's kept it up for twenty how ever many years. That coming from a woman who is happily married! But it took you longer than it should have to realize you loved him."

She didn't respond, just continued to thumb through the pages of the album. "Looks like we had a lot of fun," she commented, when she came to a photo of what appeared to be she and a group of friends dressed in costume for a Halloween party.

"We did have fun when we weren't all buried deep in books, and writing papers."

"Who is this?" She had come to a page with a photo where she was kissing the cheek of Peter Florrick.

"He was your boyfriend for awhile." She explained the relationship Alicia had held with Peter.

Alicia put the book down, and turned to her friend. "So what made me change me my mind about dating Will?"

"I think you always knew he was the one for you." A gentle smile crossed her lips, and she sat back getting more comfortable. "But I don't know for sure. You finally agreed to let him take you out near the beginning of your last semester. It was all over after that first date as far as I remember.

"So what happened on that date to make me change my mind?"

The brunette just shook her head. "I have no idea. You and Will have kept the details of that first date under lock and key."

She furrowed her brow. "Why?"

"My guess, either amazing things happened that night that neither of you are willing to share with anyone. Or, it was a complete disaster, and neither of you are willing to admit it. Honestly, I think it was simply one of those moments that changed both of you, and it was something you wanted to keep between you and Will. All I know is that after that date neither of you dated anyone else again - ever."

"Will is a good man isn't he?" She had sensed it over the weeks, but was again looking for validation.

"He is. You're very lucky Alicia."

"You make it sound like we never had problems."

"You and Will have been through some tough times. Things that some of us thought would tear you apart. But you always worked through it."

It was at that moment when Will had called to talk to her on the way home from Kurt and Diane's. And a few minutes later when she had asked Julia the question that had been troubling her since the middle of the week.

"Does Will still love me?" she looked up at Julia's confused expression. "I mean now that this has happened, and I don't remember anything about our past, does he still want to be married to me, or is he just acting the way he is because he feels obligated to take care of me?"

Julia furrowed her brow. "Alicia, where is this coming from?"

Alicia looked away. "I overheard him talking to one of my therapists the other day and… I'm just wondering."

"You overheard what?" Julia was somewhat surprised at the thought that Will would have been discussing their marriage with one of Alicia's therapists.

Alicia looked away, leaning back into the sofa cushions. "I'm not certain exactly. It was the end of a conversation that I assumed was about me. Something about us needing to spend time apart, and medication, and that the situation needed to be monitored because he was worried things would go back to the way they were before the accident," she paused briefly gathering her thoughts.

"And what makes you think that meant he is acting the way he is out of some sense of duty, or that he doesn't love you?"

"I don't know it was just the tone he was using. Were things okay between him and me before the accident?"

Julia didn't know exactly how to respond. She shifted uncomfortably before answering. "I think you should talk to Will about what you heard. But I can assure you he does still care about you. He is not doing anything because he feels obligated. He wants you to be happy, and back home with he and the kids where you belong. He misses you. I can see it in his eyes."

She was quick to respond. "But that's the problem isn't it? He misses me - the old me. The person I don't know how to be. What if I've changed and he doesn't like who I am now?"

"Alicia, you don't need to worry about it. You may not have the memories, but you seem to me, very much the same person as you were before, minus the memories. I'm sure Will sees it too." She noticed the doubt in Alicia's features as she closed the photo album and set it on the small table next to the sofa.

"You really think so?"

"I really think so."

She sighed. "I'm getting tired, and my head is pounding. That seems to happen after these lengthy discussions about my past."

"I should probably go anyway. I still have to pack."

"Thank you for spending the weekend with me. I really enjoyed having someone here. I'm glad to know I have a friend like you." Alicia leaned over, giving Julia a quick hug.

"I'm glad you're doing okay. I was really worried. I couldn't wait to get out here to see you." Julia stood to leave. "I'll call in a few days. Or you can call me if you want!"

Alicia nodded, and Julia turned leaving her in to the quiet of her room. Awhile later she lay in bed staring at a family photo the kids had brought for her. She may have misunderstood what Will had been telling the psychologist, but that didn't ease her mind. She was worried about what things would be like when she went home. She didn't know how to be a wife, or a mother for that matter. She was worried she wouldn't be able to make Will or the kids happy, and that she would do everything wrong? Certainly they all had expectations of what it would be like once she was home. Even more worrisome was the idea that she may end up not liking either of those roles, and then what? Soon the medication she had taken for her head kicked in and she was able to drift off to sleep, but not without a slight sense of uneasiness hanging over her.

* * *

Will had just put the kids to bed when Julia got back to the house. She went straight to the kitchen and poured both she and Will a drink. She handed him a glass before sitting next to him on the sofa. They talked for a few minutes before Julia became quiet.

"Tired?" Will questioned, feeling drowsy himself.

She had her eyes closed, and was stretched out on the chaise at one end of the sofa. "Yeah,"

They were both silent again, each caught up in their own thoughts, knowing they should go to bed. "Are you going to be okay?" Julia asked.

He looked at her curiously. "Am I going to be okay?"

She opened her eyes and looked over to him. "Yes. if she doesn't get her memories back, are you going to be okay?"

"I'm taking this one day at a time, but yes, I think we'll be okay." It actually terrified him the thought that Alicia may never get her memories back. But he tried to avoid thinking about that at any given moment.

She pulled her knees to her chest and took another sip of her drink. "I miscarried again four weeks ago."

He raised a brow at the turn in conversation and shook his head. "Jules, I'm sorry."

Julia had been married for fifteen years. After a few years of marriage, she and her husband had tried to have children for two years before their son Ethan was born. They had tried again and again over the years to have one more. Will wasn't certain, but this was likely the fifth or sixth miscarriage he was aware of.

"No, it's okay. It was just that after it happened I was thinking I could have called Alicia and she would have known exactly what to say, because she always does," A few tears formed in her eyes, but a smile appeared as she turned to look at Will. "And then a few days later I would get a package in the mail with that stupid cheap bottle of wine, and chocolate covered cinnamon bears." They both laughed, but her expression became serious again. "I was worried she would be completely different now, but she's not. The way she talks, her mannerisms, the way she seems to care about everyone, she's still Alicia. She's just missing the past."

Will nodded, and took another sip of alcohol into his throat. "She seems the same in many ways, but there are some differences," he admitted.

"Yes, but my point is that I had a difficult time with the fact that she couldn't talk me through the miscarriage because she doesn't remember the history. And I can't imagine being in your position where you have shared half your life together and now... "

Will sighed, running a hand through his hair and stood making his way to the kitchen. She wondered if she'd said too much. She watched as he went into the pantry and then emerged a minute later with something in his hand. He moved to the wine cabinet, pulling a bottle out, and made his way back to her.

He held out the small bag of chocolate covered cinnamon bears to her. She took it from him, as he turned to open the bottle of wine. After pouring both of them a glass, he sat next to her.

Julia smiled, noticing the wine he had opened was the same wine Alicia always sent her. "You're kidding? Does she keep a supply of this stuff on hand?"

"Yes, and on the rare occasion when she pulls a bottle of that out, and eats half a bag of those, I know she's had a really bad day."

"I can't believe she can still find this wine."

One night while Alicia and Julia were roommates, Julia came home late completely crushed. She'd done poorly on an exam that could prevent her from continuing on in her program of study. That, and just two days prior the boy she'd been dating had decided he was more interested in someone else. She'd sat on the sofa in their apartment in tears. After doing her best to restore confidence in her friend, Alicia had gone to the kitchen and pulled out the only bottle of wine they had, a cheap but tasty red, along with the only junk food they had in the apartment, chocolate covered cinnamon bears. From that night on, every time one of them had a very bad day the other would pull out, or go find the same red wine, and chocolate. After graduation it had become a funny tradition Alicia had kept up. Whenever Julia called to tell her about something really awful, Alicia would send her a care package of the wine, and chocolate.

"She doesn't have to go looking too far. I think there are five more boxes of that wine in the basement, safe and properly stored away for a rainy day. She came across it at some wine tasting festival we went to years ago in New York. I think she bought eight boxes of it."

"I had no idea she kept it on hand. It doesn't surprise me though."

"Well, she does occasionally get it out for herself. There must be some psychological thing to it because you have to admit it's not the best wine in the world."

"No, but it's not all that bad either. It was what we had on hand in the apartment that night."

"Yes, the night she saved you from dropping out of grad shool. So for tonight you and I are going to drink this less than amazing wine, and eat some cinnamon bears, wallow in our situations, and tomorrow everything will seem better. Because that's what Alicia always used to say." They rose their glasses together, and then she offered him the open bag of cinnamon bears.

"I am sorry about the miscarriage," he said, relaxing back into the soft cushions.

"Thanks. This was it though. We're done trying to have any more. I'm getting to old, and the emotional toile is hard on the marriage."

"I can imagine."

"I know you can. Thanks for this," she held up her glass curling her legs beneath her. He turned the television on and they watched the evening news in silence.

They were both nearly asleep some time later. Will turned the television off but remained spread out on the sofa. Julia got up to head to bed.

"This is going to be difficult isn't it?" he commented, as she walked behind the sofa towards the stairs.

She paused, "Yes, but you'll get through it because you love her, and that's all that really matters." She turned and started up the stairs. "Night Will."

"Night Jules."


	14. Going Home Part 1

**A/N; Wow, thank you all so much for your reviews! This is a shorter chapter. I had five more pages written to go along with this, but it was getting lengthy, and I had more I wanted to add. So this one is a two parter, the second half should be up in a few days.**

Alicia's head had been hurting for two days straight. The medication she'd been given had merely dulled the pain, but not gotten rid of it. When she woke a third day with the same pain she was less than motivated to get out of bed and begin her morning physical therapy session. It didn't help that she felt like she hadn't made any progress in the past two weeks. Or that she'd felt tired, and sluggish for days. She felt like a dark cloud was hanging over her, and she wasn't particularly sure why. Maybe because her days all seemed to blend into one another lately, the same routine, same bland food, with the minor exceptions of different types of therapy intermixed.

When she finally pulled herself out of bed, it took every bit of energy she had to walk the short distance from her room to the so called gym where she was happily greeted by the staff. David her PT, noticed once again her lack of interest from the very beginning of their session. Usually Alicia greeted everyone with a smile, and inquired of their previous evening's activities, but not that past few days. She moved through the exercises on autopilot, not even commenting on the increased pace on the treadmill, which normally prompted some sort of comment from her.

When David asked about her mood, she brushed it off. Said she was tired. They were three quarters of the way through her session, when she grew agitated over an exercise she was doing. David had continued push her which only increased her agitation. When she went to stand, she suddenly felt very light headed and grasped onto David's arm to keep her balance.

"You okay?" he questioned.

She sighed heavily, sitting back down. "I'm done. Take me back to my room."

"Alicia, we aren't finished, just a few more minutes."

"No, this isn't working. I'm not making any progress. I want to go back to my room," she said, angrily.

"You're making progress. Every day you make progress."

She glared over to him. "I don't want the pep talk today. I'm tired, my head hurts. I don't want to do any more therapy today. Please, will you just take me back to my room? I don't think I have the energy to walk back."

He didn't push further. It was common for patients to have a few off days. So he wheeled her back to her room. She moved to the sofa and remained there for a good portion of the day, refusing to attend her afternoon session of cognitive therapy. The staff brought her evening meal to her room, which she barely touched.

The following day she remained in bed for a few hours past her usual. Skipping physical therapy despite all the coaxing David could come up with. The psychologist came to see her before lunch hearing of her recent mood, and refusal to attend her sessions. Having spoken with Will a few weeks prior, he was beginning to recognize some signs of depression in her. But before he could make a proper diagnosis, and prescribe something if deemed necessary, he would need her to answer more of his questions, which she refused to do. He decided to call Will, thinking he may have better luck at getting Alicia to tell them what was wrong.

Will was sitting at his desk when the call came through. He'd been unable to go see Alicia the previous two nights, and she hadn't answered her phone when he'd tried to call her the night before. He grew concerned after the psychologist updated him on Alicia's current state.

Diane entered his office as he got off the phone. "Can you attend a meeting with a client this afternoon?" she asked, as he closed the files on his desk, and shut his laptop down.

"No, I need to go check up on Alicia." He stood and went to retrieve his extra coat from its hook. It had begun pouring rain an hour earlier and he wanted to stay dry.

"Is everything okay?" Diane inquired.

"I..." The object that had fallen from his coat onto the floor had caught his attention. He bent down and picked up the plastic bag. Diane watched curiously as he draped the coat over his chair, and emptied the bags contents onto his desk. A shake of his head, and a broad grin crossed his lips as he lifted the ring from the hardwood surface.

"That's Alicia's ring," Diane commented with a hint of surprise.

He sighed from relief and sat back in his chair. "Yes"

"The one you lost?"

"Yes"

"Didn't you check that coat to see if it was there?"

"No, this is my spare. I keep it here in case of bad weather. I must have worn it home that night because of the snow, and put it on when I went to the hospital. I thought I'd just worn my suit coat that night. I'll bet I brought this one back to the office a few days later without even thinking about it. I was slightly tired, and stressed at that particular point. I've worn the coat a few times since, but it didn't occur to me to check the inner pockets where this must have been." He shook his head. "I was beginning to wonder if she had taken it off after she left the house that night, and it had been lost in the rubble from the accident."

"One less thing to worry about," she commented.

He suddenly felt a great sense of urgency in getting to Alicia. He wanted to put the ring back on her finger where it belonged. "I have to go. Alicia's struggling today. Can you take my two o'clock if I'm not back?"

"Yes"

"Thanks" he moved past her, and headed for the elevator.

Due to the dark cloudy sky from the rain, her room was fairly dark when he entered and removed his coat. She was curled up on one end of the sofa, a blanket wrapped around her, staring out the window. He moved quietly to her, and sat down. He reached a hand to her face brushing back the loose strands of hair behind her ear.

"Hey," he said, quietly.

Her surprise in seeing him there was evident in her eyes when she looked at him. A slight up curve of her lips formed. "Hi"

He recognized immediately the sad, distant look in her eyes, which caused him even more concern. "Hey what's wrong?" His hands moved to her arms.

It took her a few moments to respond. "I can't do this anymore Will. I don't want to. I'm tired, and my head won't stop hurting."

"Your head is hurting again?"

A few tears sprang from her eyes. "No. It hasn't stopped since the day before I saw you last."

"Have you told the doctor's?"

"Yes, and they keep giving me the same medication, but it hasn't helped."

"Okay," he ran his thumbs along her cheek bones to wipe away some of her tears. Seeing her cry always filled his heart with sadness. It always made him want to fix whatever the problem was immediately.

"I'm not making any progress, and I can't leave here until I've improved more. It might be time to just accept where I'm at now, and deal with it."

In the seven weeks since her recovery began, he hadn't seen or heard her talk with such doubt. Every time he'd seen, or talked to her over the phone, she'd been positive, and had recognized the improvement she'd made, even if it had been small. He began to wonder if keeping her here until she could walk a bit quicker, and lift her legs to climb a few stairs, was really the best thing for her. He had to admit that being cooped up in the same place for weeks on end would begin to drive even the most positive person a little stir crazy.

"You are making progress. I know it doesn't seem that way. But you are."

She exhaled shaking her head. "I'm lonely," she admitted, looking down and avoiding his gaze. "I'm surrounded by people all day, but I don't feel a real connection to any of them." She looked back up into his eyes, a few tears still creeping down her cheeks. "It probably sounds crazy. How could I miss feeling connected to people when I don't remember them, but I do."

"It doesn't sound crazy," he reassured her. He wondered why he hadn't thought of it before, the idea that she might feel completely alone, like a fish out of water. Maybe because of her memory loss, and trying to deal with his own emotions over everything, he'd neglected to realize just how alone she might be feeling. He felt guilty for not trying to spend more time with her over the weeks.

Her eyes held a look of near desperation. "I know it's asking a lot with your work schedule, but would you stay here with me today? I don't feel so alone when you're here."

He took her words to heart. If he were really honest, he'd felt quite alone without her over the past weeks. "You know what? We're going to do better than that. I think it's time for me to take you home."

She looked as surprised as he felt saying the words. "But what about therapy?"

"We'll work it out. I can drop you here in the mornings on my way to work, and we'll figure out a way for you to get back home when you're done. I think it will be better for all of us if you're home."

"What about getting around the house? I still can't climb stairs."

"Alicia," he said, gently. "It won't be a problem. You get around just fine, and I'll carry you up and down the stairs until you can do it on your own." He chuckled at her continued ability to come up with more arguments. It reminded him so much of the debates they'd had over the years. "Now stop debating this. Would you like to come home with me - today?"

She nodded affirmatively. "Yes, very much." More tears fell from her eyes. He embraced her, pulling her close. She rested her head on his shoulder. It was the first moment since her accident where she'd felt a real sense of connectedness to him. And the first moment in many months where he'd allowed himself to feel really connected to her, a small respite from the turmoil for both of them.

A few minutes later he pulled away from her. "I brought something for you," he smiled at her, and reached into his pocket pulling out her ring. He held it up so she could see. "This is your wedding ring."

She wiped a hand at the last few tears on her cheeks. "You finally remembered to bring it?" she teased.

He only smiled, reaching for her left hand. "Something like that." He slipped the ring onto her finger, then looked up into her eyes. "There, just like that you are officially Mrs. Gardner again."

She lifted her hand to inspect the ring. "It's beautiful."

He had to agree. But sitting there in the darkened room, with only the sound of the rain falling outside, he thought about how beautiful she was sitting there, no make up on, dressed in her sweats, a blanket draped over her arms. It reminded him of the day she'd run into class late, and had to sit next him. She hadn't had time to put make up on that day, her hair had been pulled back into a messy bun, and she'd had a sweatshirt on. In this moment sitting here with her now, it was like falling for her all over again. And just like it had been in that moment back at Georgtown, it was the same now, she had no clue of the stirrings she sent through him.

He pulled himself out of his thoughts. "I'm going to go talk to the doctors, and get everything worked out." He brought a hand to her cheek. "And I'm going to see what we need to do to get rid of that headache, okay?"

She nodded. A small smile crossed her lips. "Okay"

He stood, and headed for the door, then turned back to her with a grin. "We're going home Leesh!"


	15. Going Home Part 2

**A/N; Wow! Thank you all so much for the lovely, numerous reviews of the last chapter! Especially to the guest reviewers who I can't thank personally. This chapter picks up right where the last one ended. I'll be curious to see what you all think, since there have been many speculations as to what Alicia's being home might look like.**

It had taken an hour to get things ready for Alicia to leave the rehab facility. The discharge papers signed, a new therapy schedule set up, and some stern questioning from Will to the doctors as to why figuring out the cause of Alicia's continual head pain hadn't been a priority. The doctors said it was common with head injuries to experience head pain on and off for up to two months after an accident. But Will convinced them to do another exam, and set an appointment for the following day to do another MRI.

During Alicia's exam, Will thought to himself that the doctors were lucky it hadn't been one of their children who'd been in Alicia's position, because Alicia would not have handled their lack of concern as civilly as he had.

They sat in comfortable silence during the drive home. A sense of comfort, with slight nervousness filled her as they continued to make their way through the city. She wondered how long it would take to become familiar with her surroundings once again. She had some sense for the layout of Chicago, but her recollection of the city was at least twenty-five years old at this point.

Will was thrilled to finally be taking her home, and had called Diane to let her know he wouldn't be back in the office, but that she could call him if needed.

He watched as Alicia gazed out the window taking in the city. It was a short drive, only fifteen minutes until they reached the outskirts of the city, and headed into a neighborhood with single family homes, and tree lined streets. Quite different from the city streets she'd observed from the facility, crowded and filled with office and apartment buildings.

"Does any of it look familiar?" he questioned at one point, as they got closer to their own home.

"No. This is a different part of town from where I grew up, and it's been so many years since then it would all be different anyway."

He smiled, reaching for her hand, taking it into his. A few minutes later he pulled into their driveway and stopped the car. "This is it." He got out of the car, making his way to her side. He took her hand helping her out, as she continued to gaze at the two story structure built of light colored stone and white trim. While it was clearly a newer build, it held an older colonial touch. The landscaping was fairly mature for a ten year old home.

They entered through the large dark chestnut colored front door into the foyer of the house. She was impressed as she looked up at the high ceiling to the large chandelier in the foyer, her eyes then wandering up the stair case to the second floor. She'd expected to feel out of place here, but it was quite the opposite. She immediately felt comfortable. She turned her attention to the spaces at her right and left. A formal living room to her right, dining room to her left.

"It's bigger than I imagined," she commented, as he took her coat and hung it in the closet down the hall just in front of her.

"It is a good size. Probably a bit more space than we really need, but it works out well for entertaining." He took her hand to lead her through the rest of the space, hoping something would spark a memory. He led her down the short hallway which opened up into the family room. A fireplace sat at the back with two story Windows one either side. To her right there was home office. To her left was the large kitchen and casual dining area, with French doors that led to the back yard. "I love all the windows, and the light," she commented, as they moved from the kitchen back into the family room.

Photos lined the fireplace mantle, and sat on display on bookshelves behind the L shaped sofa. He began to tell her about each one. The doctors were hopeful that being home and surrounded by her belongings would help jog her memory. After a few minutes Will's phone rang. It was Diane. He moved to the office so he could look something up for her on the home computer.

He continued to watch Alicia as he spoke to Diane. It was interesting to watch her look around at things, a look of concentration across her face. She paused for a moment looking intently at a photo from their wedding. A few minutes later he joined her again.

"Where did we get married?"

He gently placed his arm around her. "In the Hamptons,"

"At a vineyard?" she questioned, cutting him off.

"Yes," he wondered if she was remembering something from that day.

"I used to dream about that, getting married at a vineyard." There was a definite gleam in her eyes when she turned back to Will.

"I know, ever since your parents took you to the wedding of some distant relative in the Napa Valley."

"Yes!" she replied, a bit surprised he knew this about her.

"I'm pretty sure that's when your love of wine began," he continued. "You snuck a few sips when you thought no one was looking, even though you were only twelve, and not allowed to taste any of it."

They both laughed. "I thought I was so grown up back then." She turned her attention back to the photo. "This is more beautiful than anything I ever imagined."

"It was one of the best days of my life," he said quietly, as his thoughts turned back to that day. "I can pull out the wedding album if you want."

She turned and took in his gaze again. "I'd like that, but later." She turned her attention to some of the photos that pictured she and the kids. "It's strange to see myself in so many of these and have no recollection of the events where they took place." She glanced at the wedding photo one more time. It almost seemed as though her memory of that day was about to fill her mind again. The image of the two of them looking at each other, with the vineyard and setting sun as a lovely backdrop seemed so familiar. But as hard as she tried, she couldn't force the memory to the forefront of her mind.

He was trying to imagine what it must be like for her, knowing this was her home, but not recalling any of it. "Does any of this seem familiar?" he questioned, moving to be next to her again.

"It feels familiar. Sort of like déjà vu. I feel like I've been here before, I just can't place it in my mind." She turned and stared out the large windows. "I was worried everything would feel new and scary when we got here. That I'd feel out of place, but I don't." She turned and smiled at him "Finally I feel like I belong somewhere."

He moved in front of her, placing his arms around her waist. "Well, you definitely belong here. I'm glad you feel comfortable."

She liked being close to Will, he was definitely attractive, and his care and attentiveness to her over the weeks, had certainly aided in her being comfortable around him. But she was still hesitant when he got this close. She backed away from him a few steps. "The medication they gave me before we left makes me drowsy. Between that, and all the new surroundings I'd like to lie down for awhile."

"We'll go upstairs. You can rest in our room."

 _Our room,_ she thought to herself. The idea of sharing the same space, the same bed, was something she hadn't thought about up until now. Yes, they were married, but sleeping in the same bed was something she would have to wrap her mind around.

They both turned and headed back towards the stairs. Once at the bottom of the stairs he turned to face her. "When I pick you up wrap your arms around my neck."

"Will, are you sure this okay?" she questioned hesitantly.

He chuckled. "Yes, you are as light as feather. It will be fine." He moved closer, easily lifting her into his arms. She wrapped her arms around his neck as instructed and he carried up the flight of stairs, gently setting her down on the landing of the second floor.

"The kids' rooms, and guest room, are down that hall. Our room is this way. He turned to his right, and headed down the upper hall that overlooked the family room below. She followed him into the room, where he moved right to the bed, turning down the covers for her.

The light modern color pallet throughout the house continued into this room. A light shade of grayish blue covered the walls. She liked everything about this space, from the bedding and window coverings, to the dark wood of the furniture. The plush carpeting felt wonderful beneath her feet, and the chaise near the large window looked very inviting. She thought it was exactly what she would pick out if she were to decorate the space.

"This is a nice space," she said, moving to the window to look out.

"I'm glad you think so. It took you six months after we moved in to decide on a paint color, and find the furniture you wanted in here." He went and sat on the chaise in front of her. "Zach was about a year and a half old by the time the house was built, and we were able to move in. There were toys and baby things all over the house. We wanted to have one space that remained ours, one space in the house that would feel like we were getting away, and leaving the world behind when we entered." He sat back. "And this is it!" She smiled and sat on the edge of the bed across from him.

"You make it sound like I made all the decorating decisions," she said, raising a brow to him.

"No, you got my opinion on most things. Quite frankly I was glad you were willing to narrow so much of it down to one or two choices, and all I had to do was point out the one I liked the most."

She nodded as her eyes wandered around the room again.

"Do you need anything before you rest?"

"No, I'm good."

"Okay. I'll be downstairs working. If you need anything just holler. The kids should be home from school in about an hour. I'll come check on you in awhile."

She nodded. He stood, and left the room, closing the door behind him.

She exhaled from exhaustion. At least the pain in her head had finally dulled to something bearable. She crawled under the comfortable covers, looking around the room for a few more minutes. This space above all the others in the house seemed the most familiar to her. Soon she drifted off to sleep.

A few hours later after some good sleep, she was back downstairs listening to the kids tell her about their day at school. Will watched and listened from the office, attempting to get some more work done. For a few minutes things almost seemed like normal. The kids in the kitchen at the bar eating a snack, Alicia listening with great interest as to how their day had gone.

In some ways he felt jealous. Even during the time when they had gone to see her at the rehab facility, she'd seemed to easily relate to them. She seemed to instinctively know how to be a mother to them. It was quite different from the place he felt they were at as husband and wife. They seemed to be able to talk to each other with ease, which was a tremendous relief for him. But other than a few quiet moments over the weeks, the connectedness between them wasn't there. In some ways this was more difficult than it had been before the accident. At least then he felt he knew what she was thinking, could read her body language. Now he was very unsure of all of that. It was possible he was trying to hard to interpret her looks, and body language.

He moved to the kitchen to join them, and smiled when Zach ran up the stairs, returning a few minutes later, with a large trophy in hand, placing it on the counter right in front of Alicia.

"That's quite the trophy Zach," Alicia said, picking it back up to examine it more closely. "I would have enjoyed watching you play in the championship game."

"It wasn't even close Mom," he responded with enthusiasm. "We won by ten points."

"Thanks to the strategy I came up with for you guys," Will interjected, with a grin.

"Yeah, it was pretty helpful Dad."

"You guys need to get your homework done," Will instructed. "And then we will be having my famous chicken and pasta for dinner."

A resounding "No" came from both kids. Alicia chuckled as Will feigned hurt.

"Come on guys, isn't your dad's cooking good? He's been making meals for you for weeks now," she said, moving closer to Will.

Grace rolled her eyes. "Yes, but he only knows how to make a few things really well. And we've had those like every week since the accident. Can't we watch a movie and have take out tonight? We should celebrate since mom is home."

Zach got up from the stool, moving to the table to work on his homework. "I agree with Grace. No offense dad, but mom's cooking is way better."

Will glanced towards Alicia who looked as though she were about to burst out laughing. "We'll have to see if you still think that now. I may not know how to cook things the way you like," she added.

Will was grateful to have her on his side again. "I'll tell you what, we can order pizza from your mom's favorite place, but the movie will have to wait until tomorrow. You two have school in the morning."

The two kids seemed to think that was a good compromise, and got to working on their homework.

Later, they all sat around the kitchen table talking as they ate their pizza and salad for dinner. Will had eventually grown quite quiet. Alicia glanced in his direction, a odd expression crossed his features as he looked back towards her. At one point she voiced a quiet "what?" when the kids weren't paying attention. He just smiled, and shook his head, "nothing".

She noticed the same expression in him periodically over the next few hours. She wasn't worried by the look, more curious as to what he was thinking.

Alicia read to the kids before bed from the couch, both snuggled against her on either side. Will listened from across the room resting in a reclining chair. He envied the way she allowed the kids to be so close to her. She never objected to his small gestures of affections, but she always seemed hesitant to remain in close proximity to him for very long.

All that aside, he enjoyed having her home again. Just hearing her voice throughout the house was music to his ears. Their family meal together had reminded him of how it had been before everything had started to fall apart. Tonight she had smiled at him from across the table, instead of trying to avoid his gaze like she had over previous months.

Some time later he and Alicia were back in their bedroom to begin the process of getting ready for bed. He showed her which drawers of the dresser were hers, and then moved to the space between the bedroom and the bathroom, a separate closet for each on either side. She stood and stared slightly astonished at the assortment of tops, pants, dresses, suits, and shoes that belonged to her. "All of this is mine?" she commented running a hand over some of the soft, obviously expensive fabrics.

He chuckled, as he unbuttoned his shirt from his side of the closet. "Yes." Moments later when she hadn't said more, he glanced over to her after removing his pants. He couldn't quite read the embarrassed expression on her face. "What?" he questioned.

She didn't want him to feel out of place. Certainly this was normal in his mind. "It's just that you're… no, it's probably fine." Her eyes immediately left his, and she turned back to the clothes in front of her.

It only took a moment for him to realize what had happened. "Alicia, I didn't even think about it," he laughed under his breath. "Here I am undressing right in front of you, and it's probably a little uncomfortable for you."

"No, Will, its fine. I just… I mean we're married. It just caught me off guard." She was embarrassed now, and didn't want him to feel bad. She looked back over to him. "It may take me some time to get used to… a few things." She clutched the pajamas she had in her hand, and moved towards the bathroom. "I'm just going to go change in here," she slipped into the bathroom closing the door behind her. It had definitely been a moment of awkwardness he'd not expected, but one that made perfect sense.

He slipped on some pajama bottoms, and moved back into the room. A few minutes later she emerged, and joined him. "I'm sorry," he said.

She shook her head. "Don't be. I'm the one who should be apologizing. I'm sure this is difficult for you. It's just going to take some time for me to get used to the idea of you and I, and the physical aspect of things. I mean, I don't even remember my first kiss."

He nodded. "Your first high school crush at age fifteen. You'd been "going steady" for three weeks."

"Three weeks?" she said raising a brow.

"Yes, you were madly in love with him. And if I recall correctly, you kissed him first."

"I knew what I wanted?" she pointed out.

"Yeah, but he didn't feel the same. He broke up with you two weeks later. It was a very short lived relationship."

"Oh," she sounded slightly disappointed.

"Don't be disappointed. You told me he turned out to be a real jerk. Not much respect for the female gender."

He reached for a pillow, taking it into his arms. "I'll sleep in the guest room." He assumed after their awkward moment just minutes prior, the last thing she would be comfortable with would be him sleeping in the same bed next to her.

She was taken back by his words. "No, Will stay here." She could see the hesitancy in his eyes, when he looked back towards her. "I want things to be as normal as possible… for all of us. I don't want you changing things because of me. We slept in this bed together before the accident; we'll sleep here together now." She sat down, and crawled under the covers. "Who knows, I might like having someone in the bed next to me!"

The smile that crossed her lips as she spoke those last words was an expression he'd not seen in her in months. She looked genuinely happy, a hint of flirtation in her eyes. He moved back to the bed, wondering if he'd been wrong. Maybe he could still read her expressions. Maybe she hadn't changed as much as either of them had thought silently to themselves.

He crawled into bed next her, and turned out the lamp. He turned on his elbow to face her. She was staring up at the ceiling. "How's your head?"

"It's not hurting now. Maybe I just needed a change of scenery."

They talked for nearly an hour before her eyes grew heavy. Something they had done regularly in the past. She turned towards him closing her eyes. He took in the image before him, smiling to himself. Her dark lashes resting under eyes, her arm curled up beneath her chin, her dark hair sprawled out on her pillow. This was one of the things he'd missed most over the past months more than anything else. Her resting next to him in their bed, knowing she was happy and content with the life they were sharing. He reached out, gently touching her arm. "It's good to have you home Leesh," he said, quietly.

Her eyes fluttered open one last time, a gentle smile crossed her lips. "It's really good to be home."


	16. Uncertainty

**A/N; I do apologize for the delay in posting. Life has been a little crazy. I'm going to periodically write chapters in first person throughout this story from Alicia's perspective. I thought it might be helpful to understand what she's going through. This chapter is one of them, and takes place 6-8 weeks after Alicia returned home.  
**

 **A huge thanks to Goodwifefan for being an amazing sounding board for this chapter! It's come a long way from it's original starts, all thanks to her thoughts!**

 **As always, I would love to read thoughts at the end of this!**

I hear the garage door, and glance at the clock, 9:30 pm. Will didn't come home for dinner tonight. He misses dinner frequently, but he usually calls to let me know he won't be home. Not tonight, or last night, when he came home well after I'd gone to bed. Things have been different with him the past week or so, and I'm starting to worry.

On the nights he did make it home for dinner this week, he spent an hour with us, and then went back to work, or shut himself up in the home office until the middle of the night. He hasn't wanted to talk as much, seems distracted, and snaps at the kids for no apparent reason. I've gone to bed alone all week. Something I didn't think I'd mind until it happened.

At first, when his behavior changed, I figured it was stress that was causing this different mood in him. He's buried deep in work right now, both case, and office politics related. I feel guilty about all of that. He wouldn't have so much extra work, or be fighting with some of the partners, if it weren't for my absences at the firm. Will has insisted on keeping me in the loop with the goings on at work, just in case by some miracle, my memory comes back, and I could go back to work. But this week he's been tight lipped on everything. The more I've thought about our situation throughout the day, and his seeming avoidance of me, the worse my head hurts. The more I worry things aren't going to work out between us.

"Dad's home," Grace comments, snuggling closer to me on the sofa.

The kids' attention remains on the movie we have playing when a tired looking Will walks into the room. "Hey," I say smiling over to him.

"Hey," he responds, with a half smile across his lips. He moves past us to put his briefcase in the office. I notice his eyes remain on us, the sad look in his eyes that I've seen on and off all week. It makes me a bit nervous honestly. I squeeze myself out from between the kids, and follow Will to the kitchen.

"I saved some food for you," I say, moving to the oven to retrieve the leftovers for him.

"Thanks, but I grabbed a bite to eat earlier." He moves to the refrigerator and takes out a beer before turning to face me. It's in this moment that I feel like we are complete strangers, I've felt this way a number of times in the past few weeks. I shouldn't feel hurt that he didn't call and tell me he wasn't coming home earlier, or that he's already eaten, and doesn't seem to want any of the food I made, but I do. Some days are more difficult than others, and this day has been one of the difficult ones. My head is pounding, I'm near tears, but I don't dare admit it. Not when things are like this between us.

"Okay," I turn around to retrieve a container to put the food into. He remains there on the other side of the bar from me. I keep glancing up at him. He looks like he wants to say something, but doesn't.

"How was work?" I move to the refrigerator and place the food inside.

"Busy," He takes a sip of his drink. These non description answers are beginning to drive me crazy.

"Are you ready for court Monday?" I've managed to get enough information from him this week, to know he's arguing a big case next week.

"For the most part, but I may have to put in a few hours this weekend."

I nod in understanding. "Why don't you come watch the rest of the movie with me and the kids? Take a break for awhile."

He moves around the bar, and stands in front of me, placing a hand to my arm. "I'm tired. I'm going up to bed." He leans forward placing a quick kiss to my temple, before making his way to say goodnight to the kids, and ascending up the stairs. It's these small gestures of affection, like the kiss, yet his cool tone while talking to me, that I can't figure out. I sigh, moving back to the other room to finish the movie with the kids.

* * *

It's the middle of the night and I'm wide awake. The head pain that woke me has dulled. It's the images of what are presumably memories, old and new, flooding my mind that are keeping me awake now. If a string of these thoughts could come together creating one coherent memory, I'd be grateful. I often wonder if this is how it will be for the rest of my life. That I'll never recall anything that happened from the time I was sixteen, up until four months ago. I feel empty even thinking about the possibility. It's very discouraging not having any new memories return in the past month or so.

I continue to stare towards the window in the dark. I can hear Will's soft breathing next to me. While the idea of sharing a bed with a man still catches me by surprise periodically, I've become accustomed to the sound of his breathing, and his movements during sleep. I find this comforting in ways. It makes me feel safe.

Suddenly, without any warning, he shifts and places his arm tightly around my middle. My breathing stops, my limbs stiffen for a few moments before I'm able to relax again. This is one thing I've not completely gotten used to. The first time he did it was about a month ago. He wraps his arm around me unconsciously in his sleep. This cuddling in the bed is a commonality among couples, I realize this. But having his entire body pressed firmly against mine, sends a flood of feelings through me. I feel excited, and terrified all at the same time. I'm still trying to figure out what I think about the physicality of our relationship.

I turn to face him, and am surprised to see him staring back at me. Maybe this gesture tonight wasn't an unconscious one.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" he questions, removing his arm from me.

"No, I've been awake for awhile," I admit. He turns to lie on his back.

"I'm sorry I didn't call to tell you I was coming home late." He stares up at the ceiling.

"It's okay." I turn onto my back. I say its okay, but I'm still a bit upset about the way he's been lately. I may not remember everything about my childhood, but one thing I do remember is the way things were between my parents for months, even a few years, before they divorced. Dad started working late. They seemed to talk less and less, and eventually the only talking they did was in the form of an argument. I'd blamed my mother for their break up. Certainly my father, the man I idolized, couldn't have been the cause of their separating. I realize now it's silly to place all the blame on one of them, but I still think it was more her fault than my father's. What if I'm doing some of the things she did that cased their tension, some of the things that made my father distance himself from her? What if I'm like her and I don't even know it? What if Will doesn't like it, just like my father?

 _My father_... I've avoided asking anyone where he is, and why he hasn't come to see me, or even called. I fear I know the answer, and I haven't wanted to think about it. But now more than ever, I wish he were here so I could talk to him like I used to when I was young. We talked about boys and relationships a bit when I first started showing interest in dating. He'd probably have some good advice for me now.

"Will," I know I'll regret asking this in the middle of the night when I'm exhausted, but it's time to face the truth.

"Yeah," he glances over to me.

"My father… what happened to him? Where is he?"

He stares at me blankly, and then gets a look of sadness in his eyes. I don't think he'd thought about the fact that I wouldn't have a recollection of what had happened to my father. He sits up, turns on the lamp, and looks back over to me. I sit up, pulling the blanket closer. Will takes my hands into his.

"He passed away," he says gently, as he begins to circle his thumb over my fingers. "I should have told you. I... guess I didn't think about it. It was a long time ago."

I look down at our entwined hands. I can feel the lump in my throat threatening tears. "I think I knew. He wasn't in any of the wedding photos." I look back up at him as a few tears escape. "Or in any photos I've seen from after the wedding." More tears fall. I may not even be able to speak, but I try. "Did you get to know him?" There are pictures of my father and I from college graduation. I would think Will would have had a chance to meet him.

"Yes. I liked him quite a bit. Of course, how couldn't I like someone you were so close to? He was so proud of you, a law degree, and a good job at a top firm. I think he was happy you were happy. I asked for his permission to marry you a few weeks before he passed away."

This revelation makes me feel a bit better. "You did?"

"Yes. When I asked him for your hand, he said, _"Any man that could make you as happy as he'd seen me make you, deserved his blessing"._ A smile crosses his lips. "And I'm not just making that up… He really did say that to me."

I manage a smile through the tears. I believe him. It's comforting in so many ways knowing that my father liked Will. That he approved of our marriage. I trusted my father's judgment above all others. My tears continue to flow. Will moves closer, placing his arms around me. Allowing myself to admit the truth about my father, brings on a new depth of sadness. "How? How did he die?" I manage to ask.

"We had come to Chicago for the holidays. He'd been having some chest pain, but had been to see a doctor. It was nothing serious. He had high cholesterol due to genetics, not because of his eating habits. He was taking medication to help lower the cholesterol. He was very healthy. Three weeks after we went back to New York, your mom called and said he'd had a coronary aneurysm, and needed to have surgery. No one was concerned, the aneurysm was small, and there was no reason to believe he wouldn't be fine. You were going to fly out to be with him, but after talking to him, he convinced you to stay in New York. He felt ike the surgery wasn't a big deal, and was worried the partners at your firm wouldn't be happy if you asked for more time off. Everyone thought he'd be back at work in a week's time." He pauses, and briefly looks away from me.

"There were complications during surgery." His eyes rest on mine again. "He didn't make it." There is anguish in his eyes. I can't breathe this is unbearable. I shake my head. I don't know what to do other than cry some more. So I do, leaning forward to rest my head on his shoulder. His hand continues to rub circles over my back. It's soothing, and although I feel separated from him in many ways, I'm grateful he's here to support me through this.

After a few minutes my tears lessen. He tells me the story of our wedding bands – my grandmother's ring. This means the world to me.

I can tell from Will's tone, he understood the relationship I had with my father. I'm glad to know that even as a young adult we were still close. I appreciate how Will's handled this. I can tell he wants to do everything he can to make me feel better, ease the anguish I'm feeling. But now I just want to be alone. I need to process this. "I'm going to go downstairs for awhile." I move off the bed, and head for the door. He gets out of bed to follow.

"I'll come with you."

I know he's trying to be helpful. "No, please, Will, I just need to be alone for awhile." His hand is on my arm. We pause at the door.

"Alicia,"

"Will, I appreciate the offer, but I need some space, some time to process this."

He releases his grasp on me, and steps back. "Sure, okay."

I can feel his eyes on me as I walk down the hall towards the stairs. I guess it's me creating the distance between us now.

* * *

"Why is mom sleeping on the couch?" I hear Zach whisper not so quietly from the kitchen. I've been awake for a few minutes listening to Will and the kids. I smell pancakes. Will must be cooking.

"She was having a hard time sleeping, so she came down here." Will responds quietly.

I get up, and make my way slowly in their direction. They all greet me warmly. I sit at the bar next to Grace as Will continues to flip pancakes. He's very good at making breakfast.

"Dad, are you coming swimming with us this afternoon?" Grace asks, before placing a big bite of pancake in her mouth.

"Swimming? Grace you know that won't work. You have a softball game this afternoon." Will states matter-a-factly, glancing over to me.

"But Dad, all of our friends will be there. Mrs. McMillan called yesterday. There's a whole group going. She even said she could give us a ride if you can't come. It won't matter if I miss one game. There are like a hundred more this season anyway."

I had forgotten when I talked with Angie McMillan, Grace's best friend's mother, that Grace had a game today. Will puts down the spatula, his attention fully on our daughter now.

"Grace, this isn't negotiable. You're part of a team. You committed to play, and the team is counting on you to show up and participate."

She folds her arms across her chest. She is not happy about this. "Mom told me I could go." She looks over to me. "That we could all go."

"Grace, I forgot about your game. Maybe we could go swimming afterwards?" I look at Will with raised brow. A little negotiating never hurts right?

She stands from her stool. "It will be too late by then." Her voice has risen quite a bit with her last comment.

"Don't yell at your mother," Will adds, a stern look across his face.

Grace turns fully to face Will. "This isn't fair! Why should I have to suffer because you and mom don't talk anymore? This is just like it was before her accident. You don't think Zach and I know when you two aren't getting along, but we do." She turns around and storms out of the room.

I'm shocked, Will's clearly upset. Sure Will and I haven't been as chatty the past few weeks, like we were when I first came home. But why would she assume that meant we were in the middle of an argument? And what does she mean this is how it was before the accident? I look back to Will for some answers. Frustration is evident in his every feature.

Zach looks nervous. "I'm done. Thanks for breakfast Dad." He hurries past me, and heads in the direction of the stairs, just as the sound of Grace slamming her bedroom door shut, echoes through the house.

"I have to go into the office for awhile. I'll be back in time to take Grace to her game." Will heads for the office. I follow right behind.

"Will, we need to talk. What about Grace?"

He grabs his briefcase. "Alicia, I can't do this right now. I'll come home before the game, and talk to her. But Diane needs me in the office." He moves past me to leave.

After the door to the garage closes, I slump against the wall. What just happened? I've never seen Will avoid the chance to follow through on a disagreement with the kids. And why would he have been in such a hurry all of a sudden? He was casually making breakfast fifteen minutes ago. I slide down the wall to a sitting position, placing my face in my hands. This is all my fault, and I don't know how to fix any of it.

I'm a pool of emotions. Between what just happened, the realization of the death of my father in the middle of the night, and the thought that Will's wrapping his arm around me in bed was a conscious effort to be physically close, I want to disappear. Everything is so overwhelming. Especially the enormously awkward elephant in the room that Will and I have yet to discuss - sex.

The idea both excites and scares me to death. Up until this week, Will had been very open with his affection, to a point anyway. As much as I would allow him kissing me on the cheek, putting his arm around me when we sit together on the sofa. Holding my hand, and embracing me in a hug. I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea of physical intimacy. Placing a hand to his arm periodically, scooting closer when he puts his arm around me when we're sitting together, and allowing him to embrace me a bit longer in a hug before I pull away. But maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe he wants our relationship to be more physical. I don't know what it was like before the accident, but four months is probably a long time to have gone without physical intimacy with ones spouse.

Maybe if I were to show some interest in it, try to show him more affection, things would be better between us again. I think I'm ready for a bit more physical contact. Maybe not sex quite yet. I mean what if I do everything wrong? What if kissing me isn't how it used to be between us? And once we do sleep together, what if I do everything in a way he doesn't like? He has the advantage here. He knows what it was like before. I have nothing to compare it to. We still dress separately. I don't know if I'm ready to be completely naked in front of him or him in front of me.

I didn't hear the quiet footsteps of Zach who just sat next to me. Startled I look over to him. "Its okay mom, he gets this way when he's worried about a big case at work."

I muster a smile, and put an arm around him. "So what do I do to make it better for him?" Maybe this child of mine, who is eleven, going on sixteen as far as maturity goes, has some advice for me. I want to make things better between Will and me. I've come to depend on him, care for him, and I don't want to ruin everything.

"I don't know for sure. Before, if dad seemed stressed out you'd tell him to take a break, go have drinks with a friend, or go hit some balls. Before the accident… you and Dad worked on a lot of cases together. When you had a big case, you'd both come home to spend time with us. But after we would go to bed you and he would sit in the office or on the couch together, and talk about the case. Sometimes, you'd argue the case against each other. You said it was good trial prep. Each of you would try to come up with questions the other side might try to sneak in, so you would be extra prepared.

Hmm I contemplate this. "And now your dad doesn't have anyone to discuss his cases with?"

"I don't know. He still tells you about the cases he's working one right?"

"Yes, but he doesn't get into many of the details."

"Maybe he just needs to feel extra loved. You used to always tell us that it was important to make sure every person in our family felt loved. Maybe dad just needs some extra attention right now before his trial next week. That usually works for me and Grace."

I smile, and squeeze him tight. "Good thoughts. Let's get ready for the day. I still need to convince your sister that going to her game won't be the end of the world." We both stand, and I have another thought.

"Zach, what did your sister mean when she said it was just like it used to be before the accident?"

He doesn't look like he wants to talk now. He looks away and sighs. "You and Dad were having some troubles I think. You argued some nights after you thought Grace and I were asleep, but we weren't always asleep. And you worked a lot. Kind of like Dad has been the past few weeks. I don't know, you just didn't seem as happy as you used to be."

"Do you know why?"

"No"

"Okay," I smile, and we continue upstairs.

* * *

The warm water of the tub is soothing in more ways than one. The day ended much better than it began, but the tension in my neck and upper back is intense. Will offered to get the kids to bed awhile ago. He hasn't said anything, but I think he can tell my head has been throbbing today. My mind drifts back nearly two months to the last MRI. _"Everything looks normal for someone with a head injury. It will take time for the headaches to dissipate, but over time they should go away."_ Or so we were told by the doctor's. I've made a few dietary, and medication changes. The headaches had gotten better up until the last week or so.

I sigh, relaxing more under the blanket of bubbles, and close my eyes. Grace went to her game, after both Will and I had separate discussions with her. We both resorted to a little bribery. Will's, involved ice cream after dinner at her favorite place. Mine was a promise that we could go swimming sometime next week, and that she could bring a few friends along. _"How will we get there?"_ She questioned. I still haven't driven since the accident. _"We'll work it out,"_ I countered. Little do any of them know, I'm going to insist on driving to the market tomorrow. Will won't like it, but I'm fairly certain I remember how to drive. Got to love that declarative memory! Aside from wanting to be able to take Grace swimming next week, driving would allow me some more independence. It would be one less thing for Will to worry about if I could get around on my own.

 _Will_ … When he came home this afternoon, he acted as if nothing had happened between us earlier in the day. We were busy with the kids until a half hour ago. Not exactly the right environment for having a discussion. I sigh. We really need to talk about a few things.

There's a knock at the door. I vaguely recall hearing a knock a few minutes ago, but I must have been to deep in thought to clearly recognize it.

"Alicia" There's another knock at the door. "Alicia, answer me," he sounds panicked.

I open my eyes and look towards the bathroom door. "What?' I respond, as the door opens. The look on Will's face is one of fear, soon changed to one of relief as he moves closer to me. I now take in the fact that I'm completely undressed in this tub, and he's moving closer. I quickly become self conscious. I don't understand why he's barged in here.

He must notice the look on my face. He pauses half way between me and the door, clearly gathering his thoughts. "I just wanted to make sure you were still alive in here."

I chuckle, but I can tell from the look on his face he does not find this the least bit funny. "I'm fine," I reassure him.

He exhales, as though he's relieved. "Okay good." He continues to look at me. "Can I sit for a minute?" He points to the edge of the tub.

After all that's happened today, and my concern about my physical distancing. I nod affirmatively. I am after all covered in bubbles. And I can't ignore the flutter that rushed through my body at the thought of him coming closer. This is a good sign… I think.

He sits opposite me so we can see eye to eye. "I didn't have a chance to ask how you were this morning before I left."

I'm not quite sure what he's expecting as a response. I must look confused. "I mean after last night and our discussion about your father. Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?"

I bite my lower lip. Immediately, the emotions float near the surface. "Fine, I guess. I'm still trying to process all of it," I say honestly. I'm now reminded that I had meant to call Owen today to talk about our father.

"You'll tell me if you need anything?" He suddenly seems very concerned. "I know we haven't been talking as much the past few weeks. It's probably my fault. But remember, I'm always willing to listen... if you want to talk."

Is this his way of apologizing, or telling me he wants to talk about things? I just nod. "Thank you." Awkward silence fills the room again.

"Your heads hurting tonight?"

"Yes"

"When you're done in here, let me massage those tight muscles for awhile. I think it will help."

I agree. He smiles and leaves me alone again.

I come out of the bathroom in pajama bottoms, and a knit tank top. Will's on the bed, reading through a file. He puts it aside, and tells me to sit in front of him. I sit, crossed legged as he moves behind me.

The immediate warmth of his hands touching my skin and the nearness of his body to mine sends another rush of flutters through me. This time nervousness accompanies the flutters. I close my eyes, allowing myself to relax in his hands. He's very good at this.

We remain silent for a long while until he asks if it was enough. "Yes. That helped, it felt really good. Thank you," I say. He's still behind me. His hands remain on my shoulders, and travel down my bare arms. He gets closer. I can feel his breath near my neck, my stomach is doing summersaults. My urge to remain in his warm embrace, and yet pull away, is strong. I wonder what his intensions are? Before I have time to think, or ask, he leans closer, and presses his lips to my neck. My breath catches as he reaches for my hand. Heat rushes through my body, and little bit of panic.

He must sense the nervousness and conflict spinning inside me. I tense up a bit, barely able to realize I'm still breathing. He releases his hands from my arms, bringing his head back near my ear. "I'm glad I could help," he says, softly.

I'm not ready for this. I move a few inches away, and turn to face him. He looks a bit disappointed. "I was thinking, maybe you could go over your trial strategy with me." He looks perplexed now. "I'd like to hear about it. All the reading I've been doing on the law and what not. Maybe I could read through the case file first?"

I've been thinking about what Zach said earlier, all day. If this mood of Will's really is related to his stress over work, maybe I can help. The kids and I already made some plans for tomorrow. First up, Will's favorite breakfast.

"Yeah, sure, maybe tomorrow." He doesn't sound convinced, but I don't push the subject further.

We talked about work for awhile longer, and our plans for tomorrow. Now we lay in bed together again, sleep will soon set in. I move closer to him, his back facing me. I have to start somewhere in order to become more comfortable with him physically. I can sense the attraction between us, especially after that kiss to my neck. I want to have that type of connection with him, a connection that we must have had before. Cuddling in bed might be a good place to start.

I cautiously place my arm around him, shifting so my body is pressed closer to his. It must surprise him… of course it would. He turns his head and looks at me. "I thought I'd sleep closer to you tonight. Is that okay?" Doubt is setting in. I go to release my grip on him, but he grasps onto my hand. "I mean if you want the space, its fine. I don't know how we slept before… I don't want to be suffocating." He turns to face me and places a gentle finger to my lips to stop my babbling.

"I'd like that." A smile crosses his lips. "We used to sleep close to each other."

My doubt subsides, as he turns around again, entwining his hand with mine. I shift closer. Continuing to hold my hand, he presses them gently against his toned chest. This feels good. It feels… right. One step closer to a future together, instead of apart like I've worried about for over a week. If I could just gain some more memories back, just a few, to help solidify, remind me, of what we used to have…


	17. Stay

**A/N; I really enjoyed the very thoughtful reviews of the last chapter! Thank you all so much. They have been very helpful in forming these next chapters.**

 **Welcome to the new followers! Another long chapter, but hopefully it will make up for the wait since the last chapter.**

Will continued to watch Alicia with curiosity, as she stood in front of him in the family room. Pen in one hand, case file in the other, she continued to counter argue some of the questions he planned on using in his defense over the next few weeks. They had been at this for the past hour, discussing, arguing the case. He had been skeptical the night before when she had suggested he go over his trial strategy with her. But she'd insisted on looking at the case before dinner. After the kids had gone to bed she asked again if he'd share his strategy with her.

Now, he didn't know what to make of it. He knew she'd read a few books in regards to the law. Had followed a few ongoing cases via the Internet, and had done some research on a few others. But what she'd been doing for the past thirty minutes or so, questioning like she was a seasoned attorney, was not something you could just read about, or simply do - not like this. To question like this took practice, experience, knowledge that presumably she wouldn't have any recollection of. Yet, in playing the role of the prosecution, she'd been able to make a few good arguments against him, and had figured out an angle the prosecution may come up with, that he hadn't thought about.

She caught him staring at her, lost in his own thoughts a few minutes later when he hadn't responded to one of her questions.

"Will,"

"Yeah, what?" he responded, breaking his train of thought.

"What happens if the prosecution finds more evidence they want to use during the trial?"

 _She hasn't remembered everything_ , he thought to himself. "Evidence that is going to be used in a case has to be submitted during discovery, weeks, sometimes months, before a trial. If either side wants to submit new evidence after the trial begins, it's up to the judge to decide whether it will be permitted."

She put the file back on the coffee table, and sat next to him on the couch. "Do you feel like you're ready for tomorrow?" she questioned, looking over to him.

"Yes" He continued to look at her curiously.

"What?" She propped her bare feet up on the coffee table.

"You did a good job with the driving earlier."

She let out a small laugh. "Have you ever been so nervous in your life?" she questioned with raised brow.

"You caught onto that huh?" A sheepish grin crossed his lips.

"How could I not after I had to practically fight you for the keys? The look on your face in the car until we got there was evidence enough." She laughed under her breath again.

He looked down at his hands. "I guess I'm still trying to figure out the amnesia thing. It's a little odd the things you do and don't remember. I don't want you getting hurt again."

She leaned forward and took his hand. "I know. But you have to trust my judgment. You can't protect me from everything. I have to figure out how to live my own life again."

He looked back into her eyes. "I know. I'm sorry I second guessed you."

"It's okay. Maybe next time we could skip getting a doctors opinion?"

He chuckled. "Yes"

"For the record, I was pretty nervous too. But if I let everything that makes me feel nervous or scared these days, get to me, there would be days I'd never got out of bed."

He nodded, looking right at her. Yet she sensed his mind was a thousand miles away.

"It's late, we should go to bed," she finally spoke up.

He sighed. "Yeah," he took her hand leading her upstairs, turning out the lights on the way.

That night they lay in bed. He turned to face her. "Can I put my arm around you tonight?"

Her back was towards him. "Yes." She turned and looked at him. "I'd like that."

He moved closer, wrapping his arm around her, resting his head close to hers. He sorely missed being close enough to her that he could smell the sweet scent of her shampoo, and feel the warmth of her body next to his. It had been to long, in his opinion, since they had shared closeness like this. All except for the previous night when, to his surprise, she'd wanted to sleep closer to him. In the months prior to her accident they had purposefully slept as far apart as possible. He'd been angry then, not minding the distance for the most part. But it was different now. The anger had subsided. Watching her day in and day out be so close to the kids and at times, so distant with him was difficult. As the days had gone on, he realized he was going to have to accept and deal with the fact that her memories of their life together may never come back. She wasn't the only one who needed to learn how to live their life again.

* * *

The following week had seemed no different from the last. They had shared some good moments over the weekend, but Monday morning hit, and it was as though nothing had changed. Will left early for work each morning, and had only made it home one night in the previous three to see the kids before they went to bed. Alicia had gone to bed alone again every night since Sunday. She could feel the tension between her and Will building. She wondered if he felt the same.

Thursday afternoon she sat on the couch at Veronica's, finding herself in the middle of a disagreement.

"So Bill was married, yet you still felt okay sleeping with him, spending how many weeks away with him?" Alicia couldn't fathom the idea. Quite frankly it disgusted her.

"Alicia,this is the same lecture you gave me before your accident. He was separated from his wife. He told me he was going to divorce her. I loved him you know?" she protested, taking another sip of her drink.

"And yet, he broke up with you three weeks ago to go back to his wife." She shook head, rolling her eyes.

"Yes, and I've moved on."

Alicia stared at her for a moment processing their discussion. "How long will you be gone? You don't even know this man. You're going to meet him for the first time tonight, and then leave town with him?"

"I'll be fine. Ron is a good man. He reminds me of your father."

The comment only angered Alicia. "How would you know? You haven't ever met him in person. Web chats, and phone calls don't count as meeting someone. And no one could be like Dad. So don't even try to use that as an excuse."

"Alicia, I don't know why you're so upset about this. I'm happy. I want to get to know Ron. What better way to get to know him than to spend a few weeks away with him."

"A few weeks?" Alicia set her glass on the coffee table.

"Yes darling. It's not a very long time considering."

"Not a long time? You're going to spend two weeks in another country with a man you hardly know? What will I tell Grace? Her birthday is in two weeks, and you aren't going to be here."

"I'll send her something, like I always do. I'm rarely here in August when her birthday comes around. She knows that."

Alicia stared at her a little dumbstruck. "Okay, I'm going."

"But we haven't even had lunch yet." Veronica protested.

Alicia stood grabbing her purse, before turning back to her mother. "You know I was hoping things would have changed since I was younger, that you would at least pretend to be responsible. But not much has changed. If anything it's gotten worse."

"Alicia"

"No mom, I can't do this right now." She headed to the door, and exited the apartment before Veronica could stop her.

* * *

"Alicia, that's just the way she is." Owen sat at the counter while Alicia finished making dinner. The kids were outside with some friends.

"I don't understand it Owen. She doesn't even know this man. It's not safe." She had stewed over her conversation with Veronica all afternoon. The more she thought about it, the more it bothered her. Partially because she began to consider Will's behavior over the past weeks compared to her mother's, and the fact that he told her a few days ago he had to go to Washington next month for work. "I can't believe she felt okay dating a married man."

"That was a surprise to me too, but it's just mom being mom. This has always been an issue between you and her, mom and her flings."

"Well I can see why. It's irresponsible."

"Alicia, just because you and Will have made things work for so many years, doesn't mean everyone is built for a long lasting relationship. I change the men I'm with all the time."

The statement caused her to pause for a moment. Owen noticed the change in her demeanor immediately.

'Hello, Alicia," he prodded.

She looked at him. "Am I like her?"

"Are you like her… Mom?"

"Yes," she responded with complete seriousness. "Since the accident, do I act like her? Do I do things she used to do before she and dad split up?"

She'd lost Owen with her first question. "No. You aren't like her at all. You're the complete opposite. And no you don't act like her. It's funny actually, because you're easier on her now than before the accident. Before the accident, you and she weren't even speaking to each other."

Alicia took the food of the stove, and turned back to him. "I know, she told me today. But I was too upset to ask her why before I left her apartment. So what did she do that made things so bad between us?"

"I'm not sure on many of the details. But something was going on with you before the accident. I don't know what. You never wanted to talk about it. One day you and mom had lunch, and she was being her typical self. She was planning on leaving town for a few months with Bill, who you didn't like I might add.. For some reason this particular trip of hers was really bothering you. It's not like mom hadn't done this in the past. Apparently, it turned into a big argument about everything. I think you'd been holding a lot in over the years, and had had enough. She attacked your relationship with Will, said things she knew she shouldn't. That put you over the edge. You refused to speak to her in the six weeks before the accident."

There it was again, someone admitting she hadn't been herself before the accident. Before she had time to ponder this, or question Owen further, Will came through the front door with the kids.

* * *

She remained fairly quiet the rest of the evening. Will had managed to put work aside for a few hours, she assumed, because Owen was there. He'd made no indication he needed to go back to the office. But after Owen had gone, and the kids were sent up to bed, he announced he was heading back to work.

After the day she'd had, which hadn't helped ease her insecurities about their relationship in the least, she followed him to the study where he began gathering a few things to take with him.

"Don't go," she said calmly, leaning against the door, arms folded across her chest.

He didn't look up at her, but continued to gather his things. "Alicia, I need to. The prosecution is winning this case I've been arguing all week, and we got a new demanding client in a few days ago." He grabbed his briefcase, and moved in front of her to place a kiss to her temple, but she backed up.

He looked down briefly, and then tried to move closer to her again. "I know I've been gone a lot this week. But if I get a few things done tonight, I'll have more time to spend with you and the kids this weekend."

"Really?" she shot back, moving into the other room. "You say that now, but when Saturday morning rolls around will you decide this new demanding client needs more of your attention than we do?"

"Alicia, that's not fair."

Part of her wanted to believe he would spend the weekend with them. But she wondered if his "new client' was another woman. She thought maybe this wasn't the time to bring that up. Her emotions were already frazzled from her earlier conversations with Veronica and Owen. "You're right, it's not." She turned away from him.

He sighed. "Can we talk about this tomorrow?" She didn't respond. He exhaled loudly, and turned to leave.

This angered her, and something inside her didn't want to wait until the following day to talk, or find out the truth. She turned back around "Are you having an affair?" she questioned with some trepidation, her feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty rising to the surface.

He stopped dead in his tracks, his blood turned cold as he turned back around to look at her. "What?" He couldn't believe she would even suggest such a thing. Had no idea where it had come from. Now he felt he knew exactly how she must have, when he'd accused her of the same thing ten months prior.

She placed her hands to her hips. "Are you seeing another woman?" It was said with a hint of disappointment mixed with anxiousness.

"No! Why would you even think that?" He put the briefcase down moving back towards her.

"I don't know Will, maybe because all of a sudden three weeks ago, you totally changed. You hardly talk to me anymore. You leave for work early every morning, and come home for an hour at night before you go back and put in another five hours. One minute you have your arms wrapped around me, kissing my cheek. The next, I'm getting the cold shoulder. And don't think I haven't noticed the looks you give me periodically. I can't tell if its sorrow or disappointment over the fact that I'm clearly not the person you married anymore."

"Alicia, that's ridiculous," He was growing frustrated. "I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances."

She moved further into the room, and then turned back to him. "You mean you're doing the best you can since I'm not available to help you with the work load." Her sense of guilt continued to rise.

He ran a hand through his hair. "What do you want me to say… yes?"

"At least that would be an explanation, as compared to what I have now."

"Then yes. Some of the reason I have to put in extra hours is that we're still trying to catch up on work that was dispersed since you've been gone. But we both know that's not fair. It's not your fault we're in the circumstanced we're in. And quite frankly, this isn't much different from the way things were before the accident." As soon as the last sentence left his mouth he knew he shouldn't have said it.

"So we both put in hours like this before the accident? Or was it just you?" she accused. She wondered if he had been seeing someone before the accident, and that's why a few people had eluted to some difficulties they had been having.

"No," he knew some of this was a lie, but was in no mood to get into it tonight.

"We go through ebbs' and flows at work. We are slammed right now. But give it another week and things will probably calm down. That's the nature of the law."

"That's what you said two weeks ago, and it's only gotten worse."

He felt like they were going around in circles, and he really did have work he needed to do. "Why is this bothering you so much tonight?"

"The late hours always bother me Will. I never know when, or if you're coming home."

"I'll always come home. You don't need to worry about that. I like working at night. It's quiet, and there aren't any distractions around. It's more productive."

"Then why can't you do it here?" She folded her arms once again glaring at him.

"Because I have access to everything I need at the office. There are things I need to get done to keep food on the table. I need to go back to work."

She rolled her eyes, and turned from him. If he hadn't been so upset himself he would have laughed at the eye roll. It was so like her to do that when they were arguing and she completely disagreed with him.

He calmed his tone. "I promise to spend the entire weekend with you and the kids. Okay? No work." He stepped closer to her. He wanted her to believe him. She turned to look at him again. He could tell from the look in her eyes she didn't believe him - not one bit.

"Do you know how hard it has it has been to not remember the past twenty-five years of my life? To wake up every day just as lost as the day before, and wait in the hopes that something I see, or do, will bring it all back. Then to go to bed _alone_ at night after it didn't. To lie awake wondering what I did wrong, and if the one person I've been able to count on since the accident still cares. Or if he's just going through the motions because he feels obligated to?"

They were both hurt in so many ways. Communication lost somewhere between their past and covering up their emotions out of the unfamiliarity that now seemed to be their life.

"We're in a tough place right now. This is hard for me, I admit it. I can't even begin to imagine what this is like for you. I would do anything to take this away from you." _Away from both of us,_ he thought to himself.

"I'm not having an affair," he said calmly. "I promise, the long hours, the looks, it isn't your fault."

"But it is my fault." She turned away from him again as a few tears formed in her eyes, which only infuriated her more.

"It's not. It's me." He reached for her. But sensing he was getting closer, she moved out of his grasp.

She looked up at the photo from their wedding on the fireplace mantle. "You've been forced to live with this person who doesn't know you. This person that you have to reintroduce to everyone you know. This person who gets nervous every time you get close to her because she doesn't know what to expect, or how far you'll try to push things, so her initial reaction is to push away." She paused only to swallow the lump in her throat. "I don't know what to do, and I'm scared Will. Terrified that the one person I've come to trust, the one person above any other that makes me feel safe, is giving up on me. That one of these days you're going to decide it's too much, and you don't want to do it anymore. That I'll be left alone, in this world that I'm still trying to figure out again." More tears sprang from her eyes as she spoke the last sentence. She shook her head, and stared down at the dark wood floor at her feet. "Please... don't go. Just for tonight… stay here," she nearly whispered.

No matter how angry he ever got with her over the years, when her tears started to fall, he felt awful. He hated being the cause of tears that darkened the color of her eyes.

He quietly stepped closer to her placing a hand to her shoulder. She didn't look up at him. "I know what I want our relationship to be like. I just don't know how to get us there," he admitted calmly. Keeping his hand on her, he moved in front of her.

Tears still spilling from her eyes, she finally looked up at him. "I know I don't always show my appreciation, but I'd be lost if it hadn't been for you. Please don't give up on me." She sounded almost depurate.

He could sense the fear in her. He moved a little closer, looking right into her eyes. Lifting a hand to her face, he brushed a few strands of hair behind her ear. He hadn't planned on his next move, but in that instance more than anything else, he wanted her to know - to feel - that he would never give up on her. Cupping her face in his hands he pressed his lips to hers.

When it happened he thought it would be brief. He had no idea how she would react. When she didn't pull away, he pressed his lips more firmly against hers. It was new in so many ways, after the long months of their intimate separation. Yet, it was as old as he could remember - the taste of her lips - the only lips he'd kissed for nearly a quarter of a century, the simple act calming some of the hurt, the sense of loss that had gripped him for months.

It took her breath away as soon as his lips pressed to hers with intensity. It hadn't been as odd as she'd previously imagined it might be. In fact, it sent a wave of warmth through her body. It felt familiar, comfortable.

All too quickly he pulled back, and looked into her eyes. The look of shock across her face worried him. But before he had a chance to decide what to do, she reached up and pressed her lips to his once more. The kiss deepened as he pulled her closer to him.

A few moments later she needed some air so pulled back. A shy smile crossed her lips as she stepped back from him because she'd enjoyed it, wouldn't mind a little more. "I wasn't expecting that," she stated, as the giddiness of it began to turn to a little anxiety.

"I wasn't either," he replied, as a smile formed on his lips. "I hope that was okay?" He watched her back up a bit. The look of timidness he'd seen in her over the months, but didn't quite understand, forming in her features.

She peered over to him shyly once more. "Yes, it was nice. I enjoyed it."

He chuckled a bit, and moved close to her once again. "I'm not giving up on you." He held out his hand to her. "Sit with me."

She nodded, and they moved to the couch. There were a million things they needed to discuss. He wasn't quite sure where to begin, so he just dove in. "I really have been going back to the office at night. I didn't realize how some of my actions had been affecting you. I'm not seeing someone else. I know it's hard for you to understand, but I would never consider doing that. There is one thing that hasn't changed through all of this, and it's the most important. Yet, I've neglected to say it. I love you. I love you more than anything else in this world. And maybe that's why this has been so hard for me. I understand that you don't remember our past. That all of this must be very strange and scary at times for you. But it's difficult for me to, when you seem so open and affectionate with the kids. Hugging and kissing them, letting them snuggle close to you on the couch while you read or watch a movie together. Yet, you don't do the same with me. I don't feel like my attempts of being affectionate are reciprocated. Sometimes I feel left out, like I'm just here to pay the bills."

She didn't really know how to respond. The kids had been the one thing she felt like she had been getting right since she'd come home. Now here he was saying he was… jealous of the kids? Did that mean he thought she was being too much like a friend with them, and not enough like a mother? She could feel the anxiety begin to build again. Did this also mean he was angry because of her lack of affection? She couldn't really blame him for that, but she wasn't ready for more.

She pulled her hands from his. "I don't know what you want me to say here Will. I don't know what I'm supposed to do differently with the kids. They talk to me. They ask me to do things for them. They're usually the ones who come sit next to me. I thought I was doing a good job with them." She stood and moved away from him. "The kiss was great Will, but I'm not ready to be more sexual with you. I don't know how to relate to you that way yet." Overwhelmed with insecurity she wrapped her arms tightly around herself.

The whole statement caught him off guard. He'd not meant for her to feel guilty about her parenting skills. She'd been amazing with the kids. He could see the fear in her eyes. He stood and moved towards her. "Whoa, Leesh, hold on. That's not what I mean. You do great with the kids. I was really worried about how things would go with them once we came home. But it's been wonderful." He reached to place his hands on her arms in the hopes it would help calm her down. "I'm just asking that you be more open to my acts of affection. I want to be able to put my arm around my wife, kiss you in front of the kids, and have them tell us to stop. Sit next to you on the couch and have you rest your head on my shoulder. Have some of that reciprocated, without worrying if I'm going to cross a line I shouldn't. I want us to be comfortable with each other again. The more intimate stuff will come in time."

She relaxed some, and had to admit that she did feel more comfortable at times when he did have his arms around her. "I need some guidance Will. Without having any memory or much experience to fall back on, it's a little overwhelming. The only romantic interactions I have recollection off, are the boys I kissed in high school. The only marital relationships I've observed are my parent's marriage," she rolled her eyes. "What I've seen on screen, and ours the past few months. I was just beginning to get a sense of what things were like, or could be like between us a few weeks ago, and then everything changed."

"That is my fault in many ways, and I'm sorry."

"I'm frustrated, and I don't know what to do," she admitted honestly.

"We talk about it, figure some things out, and we keep talking. We can't keep shutting each other out. I want to know what you're thinking, and I'll do a better job of telling you what I'm thinking. I'm not going to judge you, or think that what you say isn't important or relevant. I have been keeping things to myself, because I didn't want it to be a burden for you. I didn't want to make things more complicated for you. But that was wrong. I see that now." He let go of her. Stepping back he ran a hand under his chin.

She noticed immediately the look on his face. "But…" she questioned with a hint of frustration.

He took her hand again, and had to sit with him. "I don't want you to take what I'm about to say the wrong way, or feel guilty. It's not your fault, and I know it. But I think I've been holding it against you unintentionally, and maybe it will help you understand where I've been coming from."

A worried look crossed her features, but she nodded affirmatively.

He looked back into her eyes. "I miss the way things used to be. I won't deny that. I miss working with you, I miss having lunch with you when I want. I miss collaborating together on cases. Last Sunday night when we were discussing my case was wonderful. It almost felt normal. Then I went to court Monday, and I would have really liked to have had you there arguing with me. It made me a little sad, and I pushed the emotion back down where I've been keeping them to stay under control. Then there was sleeping closer together in the bed. Again, it meant the world to me, that you were making an effort to show some affection. I enjoyed it. I'd like for that to continue. But it doesn't mean I don't miss showering with you in the morning, or going to work late because we couldn't get enough of each other."

She looked away biting her lip as tears threatened again. He put a gentle finger to her chin so she'd look at him again. "Hear me out. Put all that aside, and what I really miss is my best friend, and feeling close to the one person who can make me smile, cheer me up when I've had a bad day, know what I'm thinking just by looking at me, my better half."

He may not have wanted her to feel guilty, but she did. "But I don't know how to be that person."

A small smile crossed his lips, partially in an attempt to calm her nerves. "I don't expect you to be that person. That's my point Leesh. I don't need the old you to still love you. I just want you to be yourself, the person you want to be now. Don't worry about what you used to do, or how you used to act. You already do many of those things, and you don't realize it. I see the worry and anxiety in your eyes sometimes when I come home. The caution over whatever you made for dinner, or how you spent your time with the kids, won't live up to my expectation. I don't have any expectations other than to work together to build our relationship again. You are the person I married. You are the woman I fell in love with. You yelling at me a few minutes ago, refusing to let me get away with leaving, that was all you. I wouldn't have expected you to handle the situation any differently."

He felt himself becoming a little emotional himself as he put his arms around her again. "I just need to know that you want to be here, with me, not just as my wife, but also as my friend, my partner, my love."

She felt she understood better now. The relief was tremendous. Aside from all the things she'd been worried about, the one she'd feared the most, was that he didn't want her anymore. She knew that wasn't true now, it was quite the opposite. "I do want to be here… with you," she whispered, as a few tears formed in her eyes.

He lifted a finger to her cheek, brushing away the tears. "I love you. Can we please start over again?"

She nodded, as more tears fell. "Yes" She leaned in closer placing her arms around his neck. "I've been so scared, so worried Will."

He ran his hand over her back, his chin resting on her shoulder. "You don't need to be scared. I'm here for you."

They remained in each other's embrace for a few minutes. The first time in months where both felt like some of the weight of what they were going through was lifted.

After they let go of each other, and she'd wiped the tears away. She looked at him again. "You should get going if you're headed back to work."

"I'm not going back to work tonight. It can wait. You are more important than the brief I was going to finish."

She looked at him hesitantly. "Are you sure? Because…"

He smiled, and leaned in pressing his warm lips to hers briefly. After he pulled away, he put his hands on her arms. "Don't argue with me," a smile across his lips once more.

"Or you'll kiss me again?" she questioned with raised brow, and a gentle smile.

"That is the rule, especially if I'm losing an argument, which is most of the time to be honest. It's the only way I can defend myself sometimes!" They both laughed.

He stayed home, and they talked some more which was good for both of them. Later they lay in bed together facing each other, his arm around her. "How would you like to come to work with me tomorrow?"

She was surprised at the suggestion. "What would I do all day?"

"You can help me. You may not remember the technicalities of writing a brief, or conducting a deposition, but you can help me with some research." He propped himself up onto his elbow. "And I know for a fact that you would be great at trial prep, not just for me, but I think you could help some of the young associates with that."

"I don't know Will. Everyone will expect me to know them, know things about the law that I can't remember."

He brushed a few loose strands of hair behind her ear. "No one will expect you to remember them. They all know, and there are a lot of people who I know would love to see you. I get asked all the time how you are. Think about it. If you don't want to, it's okay. It's just a suggestion."

If he'd proposed this a night earlier she would have wondered if it really was okay if she declined his offer. But she knew now he meant it. The idea was exciting and terrifying at the same time. "Can I think about it over the weekend, and decide by Monday?"

"You can think about it for as long as you want. If you decide you want to go at some point, just let me know."

"Okay, thank you." She reached her hand to his face and pressed her lips to his. It was simple, but the gesture meant the world to him. As they parted and settled next to each other, they both knew they had taken some steps in the right direction over the course of the night. As small as those steps may have seemed outwardly, they had taken great strides in the mending that needed to happen.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N; I cannot express enough my appreciation for all the wonderful reviews! This chapter does have a little fluff to it, so…!**

 **A huge thanks to Goodwifefan once again for her extensive support and advice on this chapter!**

The sun was just beginning to rise and peek through the soft curtains in the bedroom. Alicia had been awake for awhile, unable to get back to sleep thinking about the day ahead. It would be her first day back to work. Although she was still skeptical of how much help she'd really be able to offer.

Will had wrapped his arm around her, shifting so his body was pressed against hers a few minutes prior. She didn't think much of it. In the nights since their argument, this had become the norm when they were in bed together. She'd grown to appreciate the comfort of being held in his arms. She closed her eyes again, trying to get a few more minutes of rest before they would have to get up and begin the day.

Somewhere between unconscious sleep and being fully awake, Will's dreams had turned to blissful fantasies of Alicia. The dreams seeming so real, his body began quietly reacting beneath the sheets.

Her thoughts were elsewhere when she noticed a quickening in his breathing. His arm tightened around her and then... Her eyes flew open. His body pressed firmly against hers, she began to feel the bulge at his groin growing bigger against her upper thigh. A bit of shock filled her as she continued to lay there, unsure of what to do. He'd made no indication of being awake. _But he must be,_ She thought.

"Will," she said, softly.

When he didn't answer, she shifted turning her head to look at him, and was surprised to see he was still deep in sleep. His hand continued to hold onto her firmly, the hardness against her thigh increasing. A rush of emotions flooded her, slight embarrassment, guilt, along with the shock. But also a sense of excitement, thrill at the thought he was likely dreaming about her in this way - about them. A few moments later the alarm sounded. She turned back towards the window closing her eyes.

The noise from the alarm forced him awake, accompanied by a quickened heartbeat and tiny beads of sweat on his brow. It was almost painful to come back down from the high that he hadn't been able to ride all the way out. His eyes opening, he looked at Alicia. The silky smooth skin of her back and shoulders shown just above the line of her sleeveless top. He reached a gentle hand to touch her soft skin, wishing he could lean in and kiss every inch of it, while whispering sweet nothings into her ear.

She began to stir at his touch. He shifted to his back and looked up at the ceiling audibly sighing. _A cold shower,_ he thought to himself, might be the only way to calm the surge rushing through him, and the lustful ache for her at his very core. Today would be one of those days where he'd be unable to get her out of his mind.

He crawled out of bed, and headed for the bathroom. It was a good thing it was still early. He'd need a good, long, soothing shower before he'd be ready to face the day.

She rolled over just as he entered the bathroom closing the door behind him. She'd heard his audible sigh, and wondered what was going through his mind at this very moment after what had just happened.

Some time later, he'd passed by the closet between the bedroom and bathroom for at least four times in the past ten minutes. The shower had done the trick, at least for the moment, and he was busy getting ready for work. His next pass by the closet, caused him to stop and see if he could figure out what she was doing. She'd been standing there in her robe for what he considered to be an awfully long time.

She sensed him watching her. "I don't know what to wear to the office," she commented, continuing to move her hand among the blouses and blazers that hung on the top row of the space. Today would be the first day since the accident where she'd put on something that wouldn't be considered casual. She'd told Will the previous day she'd like to go to work with him, but she was becoming more nervous about the whole thing with every passing minute. Just before he'd stopped and peered in on her, she had considered going back to bed. She'd do this work thing another day.

Sensing her nervousness he moved further into the closet, standing next to her. "Do you want a few suggestions?"

She turned and looked at him. "Please."

He reached up, pulling a few things from the rack. "Here," he handed her the items in his right hand. "These are a few of the ones you liked the most. They fit well, look good, and are comfortable. I think is what you used to say." He smiled reassuringly at her.

She took them from him, examining each. "And what about those?" She pointed to the few he still held in his other hand.

He grinned. "These are some of my favorites!"

She couldn't help but laugh as she took the clothes from his other hand and moved into the bathroom. She thought it was adorable he would suggest some of the items he liked most on her. "I'll be ready in a few more minutes." He nodded and headed back to the bedroom.

She tried a few things on, each time standing in front of the full length mirror behind the door. It still caught her off guard sometimes to stare back at her own reflection. Gone were the thick curls, and small bust line of her teenage years.

Once she'd decided on an outfit, and was taking one last look at herself in the mirror, she had to admit she looked good for a mother in her forties. She may have a few tiny wrinkles on her temple now, but a mature woman's bust line and thin waist suited her. As she continued to stare at her image, her thoughts turned to Will. No wonder he liked the dress she had on. It fit like a glove accentuating all of her fine qualities, but left a little to the imagination. She smiled. That's probably what he liked about this particular item of clothing, what it left to his imagination. There had certainly been evidence earlier of where his imagination took him sometimes.

She could feel her cheeks filling with heat, blushing at the thought of his earlier arousal. There had been a few times she had let her imagination run a bit wild thinking about him in that way - he looked good in a suit. A few moments later her train of thought was broken by a knock on the door.

"Leesh, you almost ready?"

"Yes, I'll be right out. She moved to the sink to dab some cold water on her cheeks, and make sure her makeup was just right. She'd have to think about these things later. For now she had to calm the nerves that had risen inside her once again over going to work.

He was sitting on the edge of the bed when she came out from the bathroom. A little surprised she'd chosen one of his favorites to wear, he allowed his eyes to wander up and down her body, taking in the sight of her curves, and toned long legs that were only accentuated by her heels. He couldn't help the burning sensation that filled his whole body to the core once again at the sight, or the fact that he'd love to get her right back out of that dress.

In years past, that's exactly what he would have done when his body was hungering for her like it was this morning. In times past she'd roll her eyes as he wrapped her up in his arms, kissing her passionately, but wouldn't protest much as he slipped what ever outfit it was back off her. They would have been late for work, but the rushed heat of the moment would have been well worth the lack of time to prep for a morning client meeting, or a rush to be to court on time.

She noticed immediately, and couldn't ignore the look in his eyes, the lingering want, and lust, that caused a bashful smile to cross her lips.

"You look great!" He stood placing his hands to her forearms, leaning in to kiss her lips. Since their argument, things had been better between them. Silently, Alicia had to admit she enjoyed kissing him, and the physical connection she felt with him when their lips were pressed together.

Seconds later, she sensed this kiss held more than all the others had. It seemed to be filled with more passion, more desire, than any others they had shared. It sent tingling sensations through her body that both excited and frazzled her senses at the same time. As he pressed his body closer to hers the arousal she felt in him didn't go unnoticed being so similar to what she'd felt earlier. His hands began to move down her back, her head was spinning. She wanted to pull away so she could breathe, regain control of her emotions. But the urge to stay right there exactly how they were in this moment could not be ignored.

"Will..." she said, with more warning in her tone than she intended as she pulled away from him.

He backed up a bit to regain his own control. He understood, at least as best he could, her hesitations about them taking things further. That didn't make the sheer frustration in having these desires for her and not being able to act on them, any easier.

They looked at each other for a few moments. She could see the hint of frustration in his eyes and it did nothing to calm the nerves that were about to spill from her.

"We need to get going," he said. "Abbey is downstairs with the kids."

As they emerged from the bedroom all she could think about was how she had felt just a few minutes ago. This was new territory for her, but she didn't have time to think about it. She had to refocus on the task at hand, and that alone was enough to make her head spin for the next few hours.

They talked about work on the drive in. Once they were out of the car he took her hand. "Are you ready?"

"I don't know. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea." She looked nervously in the direction of the elevators.

"It will be fine. I'll be with you the whole day. And if it gets to be too much just say so, and I'll take you home."

She took a deep breath. "Okay, let's go."

Once inside the elevator he pressed the button to the 29th floor. "We have the twenty seventh, twenty eighth, and twenty ninth floors. Our offices, Diane's, and a few of the other partners are on the twenty ninth."

"Makes sense I guess that ours would be on the top floor."

There was more to it than that, but he wasn't about to start that discussion right now. "Our offices used to be on twenty eighth, but we did some rearranging, remodeling, about five years ago."

She held onto his hand even tighter as they exited the elevator into the reception area. She immediately felt as though everyone there was staring right at her. "Mrs. Gardner," the young receptionist said surprised. Will introduced her to the few employees that happened to be there. Then they moved past the reception desk and headed towards the wide hallway to the right.

Alicia paused to look at the large company logo on the wall. Lockhart Gardner & Gardner. "So which Gardner is me, and which is you," she asked, with a smile.

Will chuckled. "I was told under no uncertain terms, you are the first Gardner, and my name holds the last position on the letterhead."

She couldn't help but laugh a little. "I was that insistent on it?"

He chuckled again. "No, Diane was that insistent on it." They continued down the hall. "I've have missed having you here, but I think you'll pick up fairly quickly on the fact that you and Diane take pleasure in making it very clear who's third in command around here."

She laughed under breath, becoming acutely aware of all the surprised eyes that seemed to follow them down the hall. It sent a wave of unease through her.

Will pointed out the large, glass walled, conference room before they came to a stop at another, and much smaller, reception area. Three pairs of eyes looked right at her with a hint of shock.

"Alicia," a shorter, older gentleman said.

"David," Will responded, turning to Alicia. "This is David Lee."

"Head of family law," she commented, holding out her hand to shake David's. She was now grateful Will had given her a run down of department heads, and top partners in the firm the day before, so she wouldn't feel completely out of the loop.

"Are you here to visit?" David inquired, giving Will a side glance.

"No David, Alicia is here to work. She'll be occupying her office again," Will said, curtly.

The looks exchanged between the two men only added to Alicia's unease. But before she had a chance to inquire further, Diane walked out of her office to greet them.

The three partners moved into Diane's office. After chatting for a few minutes, Will had to take a phone call, so got up to go to his office. "Where's Alicia's assistant?" he asked, before getting to the door.

"She's downstairs helping on the Ling case. I'll have her come back up in about an hour." Will nodded and moved into the office next to Diane's. "It's really good to have you here," Diane said.

"Well, I don't know how much help I'll be."

"From what Will told me, quite a bit I imagine."

"Can I ask you something?" Alicia questioned, briefly glancing back out the door to where David Lee was still talking to another attorney.

"Sure."

"Is there something going on between David and Will that I should be aware of?" She had noticed the obvious tension between the two men.

Diane sighed. "I don't know how much Will has told you. But David is one of the partners who thought we needed to replace you when it became clear you wouldn't be coming back for quite awhile, if at all."

Alicia was aware of the office politics that had been playing out over the months since her absence. Will had been pretty open with her about the whole situation, but he hadn't named anyone specifically involved. It seemed irrelevant when she couldn't put a face to a name.

"I thought that had been settled," Alicia looked back to Diane.

"It was, but David has continued to be a thorn in Will's side ever since the vote. He knows which of Will's buttons to push, the main one being anything that has to do with you. David has continued to look for ways to replace your name with his."

Alicia nodded in acknowledgment.

"Will does a good job of remaining under control, and professional at work, unless he feels like you are being threatened or disrespected in some way. Then it's a different story."

"What do you mean? Certainly I can stand up for myself."

"Yes, you do hold your own, and he doesn't get in the way of that. But that doesn't mean he puts his role as your husband away at work. He pays attention to the way clients, and colleges treat you. He pays attention when clients, particularly male clients, look at you in ways he doesn't think they should. We have a few older eccentric male clients who insist on having you represent them. But Will did have to pull each of them aside at one point and remind them that you were his wife, and that they needed to keep things professional when they were in your presence."

She smiled brightly at Alicia. "He's very protective of you, even though he tries to play it off. About two years ago he got into a fist fight with opposing council on one of your cases because of some things the attorney said about you."

"Really?" She was surprised in some ways. She couldn't imagine Will getting into a physical fight with someone.

"Yes. It was a sexual harassment suit. You were representing the secretary of a well known businessman. You and Kalinda had managed to pull up a lot of dirt on the guy, including other former employees who had been in similar situations. If the case went to trial, it was going to really damage this mans reputation. Kurt and Will went to get drinks after work one night while the case was ongoing.

 ** _Three Years Earlier_**

 _"See that guy over there?" Will pointed to a man sitting at a table with some other men who were obviously getting close to their drink limit for the night. "He's Alicia's opposing council. A real piece of work I've been told. Yesterday, Alicia had to put him in his place during a deposition. Apparently he didn't appreciate the fact that she wouldn't back down to his sexist comments."_

 _Kurt chuckled. "I bet that didn't go well. Alicia's feelings are the same as Diane's on those issues. I can about imagine how Diane would have handled it."_

 _"Yeah, that's one of the things I love about Alicia, her ability to rip opposing council to shreds if she has to."_

 _The two men laughed, just as Rich, the opposing attorney, came and sat down next to Will._

 _"It must be great having such an attractive wife," Rich said._

 _Will took a sip of his drink, and turned to the man. "Are you talking to me?"_

 _Rich chuckled. "Yes, I'm pretty sure you know who I am. I was in your offices yesterday with your wife."_

 _"Oh that's right. The attorney with the big mouth, I think is what she said."_

 _He laughed. "That's all she said?"_

 _Will chuckled. "No, that's not all she said. I don't think it would be in good taste to repeat in public what she told me about that deposition."_

 _"She's feisty, I'll give her that. I bet she's great in the sack," Rich continued to egg Will on. "She's happy with you right? Because I wouldn't mind getting my hands on her if she's not, teach her a thing or two," he said, a coy smile across his lips._

 _Will glared at him. "Let's leave my wife out of this. Did you actually have a reason for interrupting me and my friend here, or do you just find it entertaining to offend people?" A hard stern look crossed Will's face._

 _"I like a man who gets right to the point, so I'll get to mine. You need to control your wife."_

 _Will laughed. "First of all, I don't control my wife, but why is it that you think she needs to be "handled"? She's just doing her job, and from the sound of it she's doing a pretty good job."_

 _Rich smiled slyly, and took another sip of his drink. "She doesn't seem to understand her boundaries. She's digging into places she shouldn't, causing quite the uproar among my client's business. He's innocent you know. It was the secretary's fault. She's the one that came onto my client, not the other way around."_

 _Will shook his head. "You do realize it's illegal, not to mention ethically wrong, to be discussing an open case with me right?"_

 _"Who's discussing the case? All I'm doing is sitting here having a drink, chatting with you about your wife. Simply suggesting she'd do well by a little disciplinary action from her husband. She doesn't seem to understand her role as a woman."_

 _"She understands her role perfectly well." Will was about to respond, but feeling a bit of anger rising to the surface he decided it would be best if he and Kurt just left. He turned to Kurt. "You ready?" he asked, placing some cash on the counter._

 _"Yep," The two men got up from their seats and headed towards the door._

 _"That's right leave. Guess we know who wears the pants in the relationship." Rich got up and followed the two men. "Tell Alicia to back down, or else," he called after them. He reached the table where the other men with him sat, not noticing Will turn back around and walk towards the table. "You should see that guy's wife. She's way out of his league. Firm toned body. The legs on this woman, long, never ending. She's too hot for just one man. I'll bet she sleeps around, and he doesn't even know it. The things I've dreamt about doing to her if I could get my hands on her." He chuckled, as did the other men at the table right before a firm hand reached around his collar and within seconds had him firmly held against the wall._

 _Rich held up his hands. "What? Did I say something to offend you?"_

 _"You're pathetic. Don't ever talk about my wife like that again." Will released his grip and backed up, turning to leave again. Rich followed._

 _"Or what?" He poked Will in the back. "You'll what, sue me?" Another poke. "You'll have to do better than that, but I doubt you've got the balls to."_

 _Will stopped, turning to face him again. He'd had enough. "Back off. You're drunk."_

 _Rich laughed, just seconds before he threw the first punch landing right at Will's nose. It was a quick brawl. Each man only got in a few punches before Kurt pulled Will away, and someone else held onto Rich._

 _"Will, let's go," Kurt urged, pressing Will in the direction of the door. Will pulled out from his grasp and headed outside._

 _The two men continued down the sidewalk towards the car. Will pulled a handkerchief from his pocket to dab at the blood coming from his nose. "Thanks for pulling me out of that," he said, still reeling with anger._

 _"No problem. I would have loved to have thrown that guy a few punches myself, but I don't think the wives would appreciate having to post bail for us."_

 _They both laughed. "Yeah, I can't imagine that would have gone well for us. They probably would have left us in jail overnight to teach us lesson."_

 _/_

Diane chuckled under her breath. "You and I would have left both Will and Kurt in jail overnight. Violence is never the answer, even if Will isn't the one who took the first punch."

"Left us in jail for what?" Will asked, entering Diane's office again.

Alicia stood, and moved next to him. "Nothing, just a little fist fight you and Kurt got into." A broad smile crossed her lips.

"Ah, the bar brawl. Not one of my better moments. Although, that guy deserved it, and more."

"Did I win the case?"

Will smiled placing his hand behind her back. "You did. And that attorney lost his law license a year later. Turns out he had a bad drinking problem that led to him committing a few felonies."

Alicia shook her head.

"Ready to go to your office?" Will asked.

Alicia nodded and they headed to the office across from Diane's next to Will's.

It was like walking into a mystery every time she entered a new space that belonged to her. It was similar to what walking into their house had been like. Very familiar, but void of any recollection of things that had gone on in the space.

Will watched her move around the room taking everything in. There was always a tinge of hope that she'd see something that would spark a memory. He continued to watch her as she went and sat at her desk. He still couldn't get over what seeing her in that dress had done to him less than two hours earlier, which caused his mind to wander to the part of the bar brawl story that Diane wasn't aware of. The part where after he'd gone home Alicia had held some ice to his swollen cheek. And because she was still fuming from her own encounter with Rich the previous day, she had suggested they do their best to get rid of the frustration they both held.

" _We wouldn't want to take that out on innocent employees, now would we?"_ She'd said it with so much seduction in her voice, he'd immediately pressed her body down against the soft couch cushions, his tongue lunging into her mouth. A few moments later, she told him how attractive she found the idea of him getting into a fight with someone over her. Pretty soon they were in bed taking their frustrations out in other, far more productive ways.

He did his best to keep these thoughts to himself as he leaned over her to show her how to access the firm's online system. Sleeping with her would never get old, but there was always something exciting to it when she had a little extra rage to get out of her system.

The rest of the day went fairly smoothly. Alicia definitely had an uncanny knack for the law, at least when it came to doing research for a case. Once she became familiar with the firm's online system, she became completely engrossed in reading old cases, and helping Will look up a few to use for some of his ongoing cases.

By the end of the day she was exhausted. Being at the office had taken more out of her than she'd imagined it would. It had all been exhilarating in many ways, she felt like she was finally able to help Will a bit, it felt productive. But as had become custom, an awful headache came along with all of the new faces, information and surroundings. She was grateful when they arrived home so she could rest for awhile.

Will had thoroughly enjoyed having her at work again. He knew that other couples may not be capable of working and living together twenty-four seven. He and Alicia hadn't ever had that problem. But when she wasn't at work with him, it honestly felt like a part of him was missing. He hadn't realized this until today.

It still baffled him at her ability to work like she was. They certainly weren't allowing her to meet with clients, or write from scratch, documents that had to be turned into the courts. But it seemed to come to her so naturally he couldn't quite wrap his mind around it yet. Will could tell from the few looks on Diane's face during the day that she couldn't quite believe it herself.

* * *

They were turning down the bed for the night when she paused. Pillow in her hand, she looked at him. The memories of what had happened in the early morning hours in the bed came back to her, along with some of the emotions it had brought on.

"You okay?" he asked, climbing into bed, noticing the slightly flushed look on her face.

"Can we talk about this morning?" She'd thought about those few minutes in the bed, and the kiss that had come awhile later, on and off during the day. She couldn't just ignore the rush of emotions it had sent through her, the excitement, thrill, and slight fear of the unknown. Not to mention the obvious physical reaction he had in both instances. The thought of his hands moving down her back, the hardness in his groin pressing firmly against her during the kiss was sending flutters through her once again.

There was a part of her that wanted to do it all over again, just so she could experience the euphoria. But the battle that raged through her mind over wanting to feel that way again, and her desperate need to feel more love for him first before taking things all the way, prevented her from acting on those emotions.

She climbed into the bed sitting across from him. A slightly flushed, embarrassed look across her face led him to believe this was about the kiss.

"Things were… different this morning when you were holding me in bed. You…" This was a completely awkward conversation, she thought to herself. "And then the same thing with the kiss… There was more to it than usual."

He was suddenly acutely aware of what had happened. She'd been awake while he'd been in a state of blissful dreaming, and had…? A slight sense of embarrassment came over him. "You…?" He smiled but looked away, she glanced at him shyly.

"My erection was… that noticeable?" He smiled embarrassingly, with raised brow, as he turned his gaze back to her.

She slowly nodded affirmatively, a sheepish smile across her lips. "Yes."

"It caught me by surprise too," he said, in an attempt to make both of them more comfortable. He shifted moving to sitting position, and took her hands into his.

"Okay, we do need to talk about this. Yes, there was more to it than there has been. I understand how you feel about all of this, that we need to take things slow. But this is frustrating and difficult for me sometimes. There are days where I can't stop thinking about you, and how much I'd like to make love to you all day."

He smiled because he realized this was not something she would be familiar with. "This isn't something that's been brought on since the accident. I dream, fantasize, about you quite often, but it doesn't always go as far as it did today. I find you extremely sexy, desirable. When you walked out of the bathroom this morning in that dress, it took all the self control I had, not to carry things further than a passionate kiss. It's frustrating for me to not be able to have the kind of physical closeness we used to share. Making love to you is a very physically exhilarating experience. But that's not all it is."

His hands moved to her arms. "It's so much more. The connection we have when our bodies are intertwined, it's as if our souls are mingling with each other. It's a brief moment in time where we are completely aligned with each other, one soul, one mind."

He paused to give her a moment to digest what he'd said. "There are other moments when I feel this type of connection between us, but it most often happens when we're making love to each other. I don't know if any of this even makes sense. It's one of the most intimate experiences in life, and there aren't really words to describe it."

"It makes sense," she admitted. "I may not be able to fully understand right now, but it does make sense. I didn't bring it up because I didn't like it, or wanted you to defend it. Your body wasn't the only one experiencing a positive response. I'm very attracted to you. Despite my hesitations, I enjoy kissing you. I like it when you place your hand at the small of my back. I like it when you look at me the way you did this morning." A gentle flushed smile crossed her lips.

"Part of me thinks it doesn't matter, that if all of the physical signs of attraction are there, we should just get to it. That maybe if we just… had sex, it would get rid of the hesitations I have."

She looked down at their intertwined hands. Suddenly, tears were dangerously close to the surface. "But I need for there to be more than just the physical connection I'm feeling now, and I don't know what to do to get those feelings I had for you back." A few tears fell from her eyes. "I'm sorry."

He reached his hand to her cheek, his thumb brushing at the tears. "Don't say you're sorry for something that's out of your control. We're going to figure this out. I feel like we've made a lot of progress in the few short days since our argument last week. I think it's good that we've gotten to a point where we can discuss things like this again."

He moved behind her, wrapping his arms around her. "Tomorrow is your last day at the rehab facility, right?"

"Yes." Her physical and cognitive therapy sessions had gradually tapered off over the months. It had been two weeks since she'd been to the facility. Tomorrow she'd only be meeting with the cognitive therapist.

"Do you ever talk about us with Dr. Young?"

"No, we haven't really talked about relationships. I tell her about the kids sometimes. But our sessions usually consist of running through exercises that will help with memory, and recollection, as well as acclimating myself back into the world. We've never talked about you and me."

He remained quiet for a few moments. She turned her head to look at him. He looked to be deep in thought again.

"I was thinking it might be good for me to talk to someone, a professional. This has been harder for me than I expected. But what would you think if we were to both talk to someone?" His gaze fell on her. "Together I mean. What if we went and talked to a marriage counselor? Maybe we could benefit from a little advice from an outside source."

She nodded taking in his words. "It might be smart." The idea made her a little uncomfortable, but she could see the benefits.

"Right."

"How would we go about doing that? Do you know someone?"

There was a long pause. He kissed the top of her head before returning his gaze to her. "Yeah, I know someone. I'll give him a call tomorrow." It was a big step he'd just taken admitting he felt like he needed the outside help.

"Good," she said, settling more into his warm embrace.

The next few weeks could prove to be interesting. He knew it would be the best thing for both of them to talk to someone. Counseling had saved their marriage nearly six years earlier. But Will knew that if they were going to go see the same counselor they had back then, that there were things he would need to tell her first. Things he hadn't yet told her about their past, Kate being at the top of that list. It was only a matter of time anyway before she'd come across the baby album they had tucked away. And better he tell her, than for her to find it, and think he'd been keeping secrets from her.

This thought prompted his memory of her journal he'd stashed away, and that maybe it would be good for her to have it. He wasn't trying to keep it from her. He just hadn't thought about it much since the night he found it. If he gave her the journal not knowing what she had written in it, he might need to mention they were struggling some before the accident. Maybe not go into all the specifics, but mention it so if she had written about it, it wouldn't be as big a blow for her.

Those were discussions that needed to be had when they weren't both tired, and when her head wasn't bothering her. Tonight he'd just hold her, maybe get in a few more long lingering kisses before they both fell asleep. He was admittedly relieved to know that she was beginning to experience some of the same physical sensations he did when they were kissing, or in bed together. Hopefully a few steps forward had been taken today.


	19. A Few Firsts

**A/N; I sincerely apologize for the long wait on this. Life has been crazy the past few weeks. Hopefully this chapter will answer some of the questions I know many of you have been wondering about.**

Alicia sat next to Will in the car in the late afternoon, just a few minutes from Dr. Benson's office. They had ridden in silence most of the way, both entertaining their own thoughts. When Will had told Alicia he'd made the appointment for them to see the marriage counselor, she'd replied with a simple "Okay". So unlike what he'd expected her to say. So different from how he knew she would have responded in the past, questioning everything, or at least having more thought to things than a simple one word answer. This was one thing he'd had to get used to over the months. At times, she seemed so hesitant to speak her mind to him, which in the past had never been an issue. Not even from the first time they'd spoken to each other back at Georgetown when she'd been placed in his study group because of her tardiness to class. The cold winter day that had ultimately changed their lives forever.

 _/_

 _Will was surprised when Alicia slipped quietly into the seat next to him fifteen minutes after class had started, her hair pulled into a ponytail, wearing a sweatshirt and jeans, and no makeup on. It was quite unlike her to be late for class. Only one semester in, but she already had a reputation, smart, funny, and fiercely dedicated to her studies. She was choosy when it came to dating, and really had no intentions of getting into a serious relationship until her degree had been finished. She was one of the people you wanted to study with if you could, because she had somehow rounded up old class outlines, and exams from prior years. From what Will had heard she was one of the nicest people you could come across, but she was more reserved when it came to relationships and wouldn't just introduce herself to you, or invite you join one of her study groups on her own accord. You had to be the one to take the first step and introduce yourself._

 _They'd never spoken to each other, but after their eyes had met briefly when he had come back up out of the water after doing a cannonball into the off campus pool a few days before school had started, he'd been curious about her. Their eyes had only met once, yet he couldn't seem to get the image of them out of his mind._

 _He peered over to her periodically during class. Her focus was clearly on the professor and nothing else. Her handwriting, he noticed, was impeccable. Perfection, he thought to himself, all of her. Even with her hair pulled up, and no make up on she was more beautiful than he'd ever observed from a distance. In the past when his body filled with tingles looking at a girl like he was now doing, his first thoughts had always been to ask her out, and see how far he could take things on a first date. But he didn't feel that way watching her now. Something about her seemed different from other girls. This seemed different. He was different now after a few years of playing around. His heart had been broken a few months prior and he decided that maybe he needed to be more like her, more cautious in dating, take school more seriously. Law school was certainly proving to be more difficult than his undergraduate studies had been._

 _Class ended and he realized he'd missed half the lecture thinking about her. He hadn't however missed the professor assigning them into groups for a project that counted as forty percent of their grade. He and Alicia had been placed in the same group. He also hadn't missed the look of anxiety across her features when the groups had been announced. He knew immediately why she was concerned. She hadn't ended up in the group with her other friends like she would have if she'd been sitting in her regular seat. And despite his good grades, he knew full well the other people in their group didn't take studying anywhere near as seriously as she did. For that matter he didn't take studying as seriously as she did._

 _She sat in her seat for a few moments reeling in frustration as other students began exiting the lecture hall. She was keenly aware of Will Gardner sitting next to her, talking to other classmates while he loaded his notes into his bag. Will Gardner, and... She didn't even recognize the other three names of her peers who had been assigned to her group._

 _How could I have let this happen? She thought to herself. She should have been placed in a different group with her other peers who had grades like hers. She hated the idea that so much of her grade would be dependant upon four other people, only one of whom she new had landed a place in the top ten percent of the class just like her – Will Gardner. She thought she knew his reputation, and couldn't imagine how he'd come by such grades. He was probably like some of the other boys that drove her crazy, smart as could be, and didn't have to spend the kind of hours she did learning the material. The ones who walked around thinking they ruled the college world._

 _She already had a dislike for him, and yet she'd never even spoken to him. She didn't have time for messing around like he did. She put her notes into her own bag, resigned to the fact that she'd have to do a lot of the work for their project herself if she intended to hold her rank as fifth highest in the class._

 _"So when can you get together to work on this?" Will asked._

 _Distracted by her own thoughts, she'd barely been able to put his words into a coherent sentence. When she turned in his direction and caught him staring at her, she only became more upset._

 _What gives him the right to look at me like that? Like he's about to ask me out on a date instead of where we should study? He really must be the playboy I've heard about. She sighed heavily, but would try to be as courteous as she could._

 _"Monday's, Wednesday's and Thursday's from two to three would be best for me if that works for everyone else. I think we'll need to meet all of those days each week in order to get this done. Professor Welch seems to enjoy loading on the work."_

 _He chuckled. "I would agree. Those times work for me. Where should we meet?"_

" _There's a quiet area in the library, southwest corner of the fourth floor. That's usually where I study. Maybe we could meet there?"_

 _She was all business, pulling her planner out of her bag to write it down. He noticed how nearly every single line of her schedule for the following week was filled with something. She really liked to plan things out._

 _He smiled, and chuckled to himself. Her reputation certainly seemed to fit. "Works for me."_

 _"Can you find out from the others if that time works for them? I assume you know how to get a hold of everyone? You sit here every class period next to them right?"_

 _He smiled, she obviously had no desire to try and get a hold of the other three people whom she didn't know. "Sure, I do happen to know them."_

 _"Good." She stood up, pulling her backpack over her shoulder, and then turned to leave._

 _He followed right behind her. Once out in the hall he walked alongside her._

 _"I'm Will by the way." He held out his hand for her as they continued to walk._

 _She couldn't help but laugh a bit under her breath. "I know," she responded._

 _"Can I get your phone number?" he asked innocently._

 _She stopped just outside her next class, and turned to look at him. Their eyes met again, and he could see a hint of reservation in them. "Listen Will, I'm not interested in dating anyone right now. I take my studies very seriously, I have to. If you and the others in the group aren't going to take this seriously, I need to know now so that I can go beg the professor to put me into a different group."_

" _Whoa, Alicia, I'm not trying to ask you out. I just thought it might be helpful to have your number so we can coordinate the project." Suddenly he wondered what exactly she had heard about him. "And I am taking this project seriously."_

 _He looked and sounded sincere, she still wasn't sure that she wouldn't end up being the one doing a majority of the work on this project, but at least he hadn't just jumped right into trying to get a date out of this - not yet anyway._

" _Okay, good." She took the notebook out of his hand and wrote her number on the inside cover, and then handed it back to him. They looked at each other for an awkward moment before he spoke up again._

" _I guess I'll see you tomorrow." He turned to head in the opposite direction._

 _Making it only few steps away, she called after him. "Will,"_

 _He moved back in front of her. "Yeah,"_

" _Is it true you keep a list of female peers who consented to sleep with you on a first date?" This was a rumor she'd heard about him, that really bothered her._

 _The question caught him a bit off guard. Maybe she wasn't as shy as everyone had made her out to be. She certainly hadn't hesitated in asking him exactly what was on her mind. He chuckled, but looked at her with a serious expression. "That was true four years ago when I was a freshman. I don't keep a list anymore, and haven't for years. Do I ask a lot of girls out? Yes, but the goal of dating isn't just to see if you can a girl to sleep with you. I'd like to think that I'm a better judge of character now when I ask someone out."_

 _She nodded, a slight smile forming on her lips. "Okay, thank you for answering my question."_

" _You're welcome. See you tomorrow." He turned and walked away a smile across his lips, the tingling sensation from earlier had returned. By the end of the day, he realized he'd been thinking about her on and off. He wanted to get to know her better, if she'd let him. He decided he'd do his best to work his way inside the invisible bubble of security she held around herself. Not because he thought it a good challenge, but because deep down unbeknownst to either of them, he was already forming feelings for her - feelings he'd never felt for anyone else._

 _Alicia shook her head as she entered her next class. At least he'd been honest, that was worth something, she thought. Not to mention their entire interaction with each other had not been what she'd expected. She thought she knew the cocky attitude she was going to get from him, but he hadn't been that at all._

 _By the end of the four week project, she and Will had argued and debated plenty, but instead of this being a disaster and means for him to show her up like she'd expected, she'd enjoyed studying with him. She had realized, that unlike many of her other male classmates who thought they were better than her, partially because she was a woman, that Will had treated her as an intellectual equal. In fact it sometimes drove their study group partners crazy when she and Will got off topic to discuss legal issues the other's had little interest in._

 _As the semester wore on, she and Will found themselves studying more and more with each other. Near the end of the semester he did finally get up the nerve to ask her out, but she declined. "We've become friends, and I don't want to screw that up." That had been her excuse at the time. But he never gave up hope, and two years later on a snowy day, similar to the one where they'd first talked to each other, she finally consented._

/

"How do you know Dr. Benson?" Alicia broke the silence between them just minutes before they arrived at the therapist's office. He'd been prepared for three days to answer this question, but it had never come. He'd begun to wonder if it didn't really matter to her how he knew the therapist. But now five minutes before arriving at their destination she was curious, and there wasn't enough time to get into to any of it.

"Was he a client?" she asked, when he hadn't answered after a few moments.

"No," he didn't turn to look at her, keeping his eye on the road. "You and I had some... troubles, about six years ago. We saw him for counseling then."

She didn't say anything. He turned to look at her - he had too - he could feel her eyes penetrating right through him. He immediately recognized the disappointment or disapproval - he wasn't certain - in her eyes from this secret he'd kept from her. He'd not done it to hide it from her like she now looked as though she believed. He'd just not had reason to bring up the painful things from their past. He remained silent for a minute as he pulled into the parking lot. After stopping the car he turned to her once again.

"What sort of troubles?" She felt a rush of anger pass through her, something that seemed to come a little too easily since the accident. She hadn't remembered being so quick to anger in her younger years. She was ready to ask him what other significant events in their lives he'd _conveniently_ forgotten to mention to her. But she stopped when she saw the desperate look of hurt and sadness in his eyes.

"I will tell you, I want to tell you, and we can talk about it all you want, but not right now. There isn't time."

"Isn't time?" she shot back. "You've had months to tell me that... our marriage was in such trouble at one point we needed counseling. Yet, you kept it to yourself to... I don't even know what! To protect me because… why? Because I'm not mentally capable of handling it?" The anger seemed to grow within her. She felt like Will had treated her like a father would a child because she wasn't old enough to understand some of the things that went on in the adult world, and it hurt. Will had been the one person other than the kids that had never treated her as such since she woke up from the accident.

"No, Alicia, I never thought you couldn't handle it. I've never thought there was anything you couldn't handle."

"Then why?" she questioned, trying to calm her anger.

Filling with frustration, he blurted it out. "I thought you'd get the memories back. I wanted you to get the memories back, so that there would be no reason for me, for us, to have to relive some of the most painful things of our lives together. Things that we've long moved past and in so many ways buried." He paused, silence filled the car again as they stared at each other.

Suddenly she felt very vulnerable and unsure. She'd grown to really dislike new situations, and the idea that the therapist they were about to see probably knew more of her past than she did, wasn't making things any better. She looked away from him.

"There isn't anything I can do about the memories."

He sensed the anxiety in her. He hadn't meant to say what he had so bluntly. He reached for her arm placing a gentle hand on it. "Hey, I know. I promise I was not trying to hide anything from you. It was just something that hadn't come up yet." He reached a few gentle fingers to her chin causing her to turn to him again. He took her hand into his. She grasped onto it tightly, something she'd done for as long as he could remember when she felt uncertainty. Whether she now realized it or not, this had always been her way of telling him so without having to voice anything.

He smiled at the thought. For as long as he'd known her she'd outwardly put on a front that few could break through. An air of confidence, independence, and strength that at times deserved an award.

Only Will knew that when she tightened her grasp on his hand, sometimes nearly cutting off the circulation, that inwardly she felt insecure about whatever situation she was in. Like on her first day of work after graduation. She'd worked hard to get the position she was about to start, had smiled broadly whenever anyone had asked her about it, and was genuinely excited. But only he knew how she'd fretted with anxiety and barely slept the night before her first day. Only he knew how many hours she'd spent looking over and memorizing everything she could of her new firm and it's partner's, so she'd seem knowledgeable in the weeks to come. After waking in the morning of her first day, she'd held the same confident smile across her lips, but he could see the anxiety in her eyes. He wasn't scheduled to begin work for another week, but offered to ride the train with her, saying he needed to see how long his commute would be anyway, and since his office was near hers, he may as well go along with her.

She'd held onto his hand with a death grip right up until the time they stood in front of her building. She took one deep breath, gave him a fleeting kiss on the cheek, and then stepped a few paces from him still grasping his hand. Finally, she gave it one last squeeze and let go. Looking back to him with a smile, he nodded, and she turned to walk into the building to begin her career. It had always been in these silent moments shared between them, where they'd both drawn strength from the other without a single word ever being uttered.

A few moments later Alicia nodded. "Okay. Then we should go in, and I'll do my best to not be distracted by wondering over what could have gone so wrong that we would have needed counseling. But tonight I'd appreciate an explanation."

"Okay," he nodded and they got out of the car.

She continued to hold a tight grasp on his hand as they sat on the sofa after the brief introductions with Dr. Benson. The first few minutes seemed awkward to Alicia, partially because the two men knew each other. As time went on though, she grew more comfortable talking. In all honesty, for her this was just like being in the rehab facility, talking with the different doctors there.

"How is the communication between you two?" Dr. Benson asked, pen in hand so he could continue to take notes.

"It's okay. Hit and miss sometimes," Will said. Alicia nodded in agreement.

"But this is partially why this situation is so difficult at times. I don't mean to bring up the past as a source of hurt, just an example. She and I used to talk about everything. I never hesitated to say anything to her. But now I hesitate quite often because..." He looked back to Alicia. "Because I don't want to hurt her, and make things more difficult or confusing for her. I guess it's my way of protecting her, even though she doesn't really need it. I still feel like I haven't gotten a good grasp on what this is like for her, what she does, or doesn't need from me. And so my initial reaction is to protect her in all situations. Even if that means not telling her things that I once would have."

Alicia shifted on the sofa, twisting her wedding ring around in her fingers. Dr. Benson took note of the nervousness in her.

She looked back up at the doctor. "I couldn't have asked for someone better to trust. But I'm as hesitant if not more, than he is. I do hold back my thoughts sometimes. But a lot of that has to do with the fact that I second guess my intuition and thoughts a thousand times a day."

Dr. Benson nodded, and jotted a few notes down as Will continued.

"This has been more difficult than I would have expected, for both of us. I guess I just assumed that after a few weeks of being home, everything would go back to being... similar to how it had been. That there would be awkward moments, but that we would have been able to slip back into the life we'd previously had more easily... as husband and wife I mean. But ours has been the most difficult of the relationships to ease back into."

"Tell me a little bit about that, and what it's been like since Alicia came home."

Will continued to be blunt and honest, while at the same time careful not to place blame, or put Alicia down. Being honest about his jealousy over her attention to the kids, their lack of physical contact, and his avoidance of her because of these things. It wasn't anything she didn't already know after their conversation a little less than two weeks prior.

Alicia told him some of what it had been like for her, touching briefly on their argument, and miscommunications over the months. This aided in giving Dr. Benson a better view of how things were going at home.

Will spoke up again. "I don't expect us to go back to exactly the way things were. I just want for us to be able connect with each other again. For her to know that she can trust me, count on me, no matter the situation. But no matter what I do, it seems she's still afraid, holding back, or hesitant to accept my help, and affection."

Alicia sighed louder than she'd intended, shifting uncomfortably, creating a little distance between she and Will. Both Will and Dr. Benson noticed the change in her.

 _Affection,_ Here was the subject she struggled to even discuss with Will, let alone a complete stranger. Why did it seem that every time they got into a discussion about their relationship it evolved into a conversation about affection? She looked down at her hands to avoid looking at either of the men.

"Alicia, what part of what Will just said is making you uncomfortable?"

"I like Will. I'm attracted to him. I know that our physical closeness, or lack thereof, is hard for him. It's not that I don't want to have a physical relationship with him, or that I don't understand the mechanics of intimacy. It's just... I'm not sixteen anymore. I'm not twenty for that matter. It just seems that at this point in my life there should be more to having sex than a youthful lust for it. I feel like there should be more there..."

"And you don't feel like there is more there than simple attraction?" Dr. Benson inquired.

"No, I do. How could I not. For the most part, Will has been a saint, my knight in shining armor. Let's face it, in the past five months he's been there for me nearly every time I've come close to falling. He pulled me out of the rehab facility when I didn't want to go on anymore. He's been more patient in helping me familiarize myself with the world, _our world_ , than anyone should have to be. He seems to know when I'm scared or nervous about something sometimes even before I do, and is quick to tell me not to worry, that he's right there at my side. And that's comforting. But see that's the thing." She'd spent countless hours ever since they'd talked nearly two weeks earlier pondering what it was that she needed in order to feel closer to him, to feel what she thought she knew love was.

She continued to explain what had happened the prior week when they had still been in bed early in the morning, and the flood of emotions, and sensations that ran through her later that morning when he had kissed her. "Honestly, I don't know that I understand what love really is. What it's supposed to feel like. Maybe what I am feeling is love, and I don't know it." Now she felt very vulnerable, and didn't want to say more. How could someone not understand what love was?

The doctor jotted a quick note, and then looked back up at her. She seemed a bit frazzled. It became obvious to him that Will sensed the same in her because he reached over and took her hand. The simple act seemed to calm her some.

Alicia continued. "It's like this all the time. I don't know if I'm supposed to already know the correct feeling, or answer to something, and it's maddening sometimes." She peered over to Will.

Dr. Benson spoke up again. "Will, have you ever asked her what it's like to be the one with the amnesia, and vice versa for Alicia?"

"No, I guess we never have really discussed it," Will admitted.

"Okay, tell me this. When was the last time you two went out together just to have fun and spend time with each other?"

Will looked over to Alicia. "I... "

The therapist chuckled. "Let me guess. In the three months since Alicia came home, you two have been so busy with life, and figuring out how to live in the same house together, so busy taking care of the kids needs, managing the day to day chaos, that you haven't spent a single minute outside the house or the office alone together? And if you have, it's only been to run errands."

Will nodded in acknowledgement.

Dr. Benson put down the notebook he'd been jotting notes in, leaning forward clasping his hands in his lap. "Alicia, I want you to tell me if what I say in the next few minutes is an accurate description of the way you view life these days." She nodded, and he turned his attention to Will.

"Will, what's Alicia's favorite color?"

"Plum, darker than purple, but not as blue as indigo."

"Her favorite flower?"

"Calla lilies. We have a whole patch of the dark purple ones in the back yard, so that whenever she looks out the window and sees them it will remind her of the ones she had in her wedding bouquet."

"Her favorite flavor of ice cream?"

"Mint chocolate chip."

"What's something she fears?"

"Drowning, which I didn't know until we went to the Caribbean for a vacation. She refused to even go snorkeling. She loves the warm Caribbean water, but unless we were on a boat she wouldn't venture out into the ocean much further than where her feet could brush the ocean floor, her head safely above water.

He continued to ask Will these questions for a few minutes. Everything from how she liked her coffee, to her favorite book, her favorite movie, even what she liked to eat when she was sick.

A few minutes later he turned to Alicia. "How many of these things do you know about Will? The question isn't meant to embarrass you, but to make clear a point I want to get across to him."

"Hardly any," she admitted. "I know how he likes his coffee because sometimes that's all he wants before he leaves for work in the morning, and I make it for him."

Dr. Benson nodded, turning his attention back to both of them. "There are different stages to forming an intimate relationship. I know this may sound ridiculous, but it's true. You both went through the different phases of that process once you met. You continue to go through that process the longer you are together. Will has all of the necessary memories, feelings, and emotions that went along with that. But Alicia doesn't any longer. Will, you know all of these things about her from a lifetime of experiences. You've gone through the beginning infatuation phase, the conflict and adjustment phases. These are just a few. But Alicia doesn't have any of those experiences to draw on now. And believe it or not it's vitally important for a person to go through all or most of the phases to truly feel a bond of love with a companion. Will, I want you to think of it this way. You are over twenty years into your relationship with Alicia, but for her it's as though you've only been together for three months. The two months she spent in the rehab facility don't really count. Think about what your relationship was like at three months, and you'll have a better picture of what she may be feeling."

He paused briefly to let Will ponder that for a few moments before continuing to speak right to him.

"I want you to think about what it would be like if right now without any warning, I told you that you couldn't go back to your old life. Then I put you on a plane and sent you to a foreign country where you didn't know the language. When you get there a woman you don't know, and can't understand, picks you up from the airport and takes you home with her. Once you're there you are just expected to love her, and move right into her daily routine with ease, and spend the rest of your life with her. Over time you'd learn the language, she's attractive, and you like being in her company. I'd be willing to bet that overtime you'd even be able to say you had fallen in love with her. But it would take time."

He turned to Alicia. "Does that sound accurate?"

She laughed a bit under her breath. "Yes, that's a good description of what it's been like."

Will couldn't help but chuckle a bit at the thought either. "So what do we do?"

"A few things. You need to go out and spend time together, get to know each other again. Plan and go on actual dates, because Alicia needs to experience that. And it's healthy for a relationship no matter what phase of life you're in."

He looked over to Alicia. "From what you have described, you are very much in the beginnings of the infatuation phase of your relationship. Those feelings you have when Will kisses you, are healthy and normal. Don't shy away from some of those intense physical feelings you have towards him. I would suggest that you two stop dressing separately. If that still makes you uncomfortable don't look at Will while you dress, but be in the same room together."

His attention moved back to both of them. "I think it's important for both of you to continue with the physical contact you have now. I would encourage you to take things a little further. Not all the way to intercourse quite yet, but make those kisses last longer. Make things more physical between you even with your clothes on. Alicia, if you start to feel uncomfortable, like things are going too far, tell Will. It might even be a good idea to come up with a word or phrase you can say that means stop, or that you're not comfortable with what's happening. This same phrase or word could also be used in situations outside the home when Alicia is feeling uncomfortable with what's going on around her. Will, you need to be ready to respect that, put things on hold, or be ready to pull her out of a situation without any repercussions. Does this make sense?"

They both nodded affirmatively.

"We can go more heavily into the affection issues next week, there is a lot more that needs to be said about that, and a lot more we need to cover, but we're running out of time. So your assignment for this week is to go on a date, and get a little more physical with one another. Do you both think you can do that?"

Will and Alicia looked at one another, and both responded with a "Yes."

"Good, then I'll see you next week. But please feel free to call me if either of you have any questions."

On the drive home they talked casually with each other. Both felt the session had gone well. Alicia felt more validated in her feelings, and both felt like they had a better grasp on where the other was coming from.

They fell into a comfortable silence for a few minutes before Alicia looked back over to him. "Did it take a long time for you to fall in love with me, and know you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me?" she questioned. "How did you know you loved me?"

A soft smile crossed his lips, and he glanced over to her. "I don't know exactly. I think I just always knew we were supposed to be together. I just had to figure out how to get you to realize the same thing."

She turned her gaze out the window. "Hmmm. So we were friends for two years, and then suddenly we just decided to get more serious? What changed?"

They happened to be passing by a large park that sat on the edge of Lake Michigan. Will pulled off the main road into the parking lot. He turned and looked at her. "I think it was a lot of little things built up over time."

"And one day you just decided to ask me out, and I said yes?"

"Yeah,"

"So why is our first date such a big secret? I've been meaning to ask you that for months," she smiled softly.

He chuckled. "Because there were some things that happened on that date that we didn't want anyone to know about." He looked down at her hands taking one into his own he began to rub his thumb gently over it. He looked back up into eyes. "And because that night turned out to be one of the most memorable we'd ever spent together, it wasn't ever meant to be shared with anyone else. It was something we could always just keep between the two of us."

She could see the love in his eyes, and it warmed her heart. A smile crossed her lips.

"Come on," he said, opening the car door. "Walk with me, and I'll tell you about it."


	20. First Date

**A/N; Amynsieve, this one's for you. I know you've been waiting months for this!**

They walked hand in hand towards the shaded path that ran alongside the lake. "How did I fall in love with you?" Will said, a gentle smile across his lips. "In the beginning I couldn't keep you out of my mind." He told her about seeing her for the first time at the pool party, and then about how they had ended up studying together. "We both stayed in D.C. after our 1L year to work internships. You and I spent a lot of time together, as friends," he emphasized. "We got along well, enjoyed being with each other. You didn't seem to mind coming to a few of my baseball games, and I didn't object to following you around at some of the various museums in the city. By the time school started up again we tended to be together, in class, at parties, while studying. There were other's with us a lot of the time, but people who didn't know us assumed we were dating, and those who did know us thought we should be."

"But you and I didn't view it that way?" She smiled looking up at him as they continued to walk.

He chuckled. "You and I have long debated that. You always swore it was a mutual understanding that we remain friends, and not date, claiming that was what we both wanted. That we were happy being close fiends, and that if we dated it would mess things up between us."

"That's what I thought? What did you think?"

"I didn't think it mattered, but I never told you that. I had enough sense to know that trying to pressure you into something was a bad idea. Maybe if we would have dated in those early days, things wouldn't have worked out. All I was sure of back then, was that I liked being with you more than anyone else. I liked talking to you, debating and discussing every thing under sun. I liked sitting next to you in the library studying and not saying a word to each other. Things were always comfortable between us, even when neither of us had anything to say."

He stopped walking and turned to face her. "And, you were the most beautiful woman I had then, or ever have since, set eyes on." He blushed a bit, a look of love in his eyes. "I've been head over heels in love with you for as long as I can remember, and then some. I've always sensed a strong connection between us, that we were supposed to be together."

He took her hand again, and they continued to walk. "I did ask you out a few times, but you turned me down. Then came the day you told me about Peter Florrick. Soon after that you were dating him. It shouldn't have bothered me so much, but I felt like my heart had been ripped out. I was happy that you were so happy, I only ever wanted you to be happy, but it was difficult at times knowing you were out with him, and later on kissing him, and likely sleeping with him."

"Yet, we remained friends that whole time?" she asked.

"Yes, only to your credit. I didn't do a good job of keeping my jealousy under wraps at times," he added. "But thanks to you we still spent time together, just less than before for obvious reasons. We continued to study together because our classes were the same. Peter was a year ahead of us. You did a good job of keeping your friend, and boyfriend separate, and never allowed, at least me, to feel any less important than I had been before Peter."

"And you just waited patiently while I dated Peter?"

"I continued to date just as I had before. I didn't know if I'd ever have a chance to date you, especially after you were engaged. I kept moving along as if we would always just be good friends. Then things didn't work out between you two. It was hard for me to watch you go through that. I knew you had loved him. We continued to hang out together after that, both dating other people on and off. Then over the holiday break of our third year, I made a decision. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I loved you, and decided it was time to stop pretending. So I asked you out a few weeks after our last semester started."

Now thinking back on all of this, Will realized the wisdom in what Dr. Benson had said to them. They'd fostered a freiendship for two years before they ever dated. While Will had always known deep down he loved her, it hadn't come so easily for her. He had never known for sure if at what point, or what toss of events had occurred that changed her mind, and made her willing to say yes to a date.

"To my surprise you didn't say no. I think you were expecting our date to just be like any other, nothing spectacular. And nothing spectacular did happen in the sense of grander and awe. I wanted, and had planned to make our date better than others you'd been on. But most of my plans were altered, partially due to the snow that had fallen earlier in the day. I'm glad it did. That night changed things between us, or simply allowed us to see what had been there for a long time and acknowledge it. I don't know if that would have been the case if the plans hadn't changed.

/  
 _  
He was nervous as he knocked on her door five minutes sooner than she'd be expecting him. He didn't want the only thing she recalled from this evening to be that he had been late to pick her up._

 _When she opened the door he couldn't help but let his eyes linger on her. He'd never seen her in the black leather pants that hugged her like a glove and made her legs look even longer than he knew they were. On top she wore a nice sweater, warm, red, and fitted, one of his favorites, though he'd never told her so._

 _She noticed the look in his eye when he saw what she had on. She laughed inside, partially because he was looking at her a little seductively, something she'd not noticed him do before, or at least had chosen to ignore in the past. That and little did he know she'd spent a significant amount of time surveying the clothes in her closet before deciding on this outfit. Something she thought ridiculous at the time, this was Will, not some guy she'd never been out with. The pants were new, she'd bought them over the recent holiday break, and she knew the sweater was both stylish, and comfortable. She wasn't about to be in uncomfortable clothes all night when it was Will she would be out with._

 _She took the bouquet of flowers from his hand as he entered her apartment, a few butterflies rushed through her body. She wouldn't have thought much of the flowers, most college boys she'd dated had shown up with flowers on a first date, and tended to all be the same mix the flower shop down the street had an abundance of. But this bouquet was made up of calla lilies, her favorite. How did he even know that? And how had he come across them in them in the dead of winter? Even if he'd gone across town to a larger floral shop, he'd likely paid a high price for them._

 _"These are my favorite," she commented, moving to the kitchen to find a vase to put them in._

 _"I know." He moved to the kitchen and stood next to her. He'd been here a thousand time, but it seemed different, everything seemed different. He hoped the awkwardness of going on a real date would fade soon._

 _"Here, let me do it," he said, taking the flowers from her. "I'll put these in water while you put something on your feet, and get your coat. We have a reservation to make."_

 _She smiled, raising a brow to him. "A reservation?"_

 _He chuckled at the slight surprise in her eye. "Yes, the pizza place down the street didn't seem like the best way to impress you."_

 _"So you're going to try and impress me tonight are you Mr. Gardner?" She flashed a smile at him grabbing her coat from the hall closet._

 _"No. Hopefully just make it an enjoyable evening." He'd never actually admit that he was trying to impress her. Nonetheless, he had made a reservation at the French American restaurant in the main part of Georgetown that she'd always wanted to try. She'd never gone though, saying it was too pricey for college students. Practicality had always prevented her from the splurge. In his opinion this occasion was worth the splurge, and despite the price of the food, the dress code was still fairly casual._

 _Once they were seated at their table, he watched as she looked over the menu in full concentration. He loved the look on her face when she was focussed. She put her menu down and pointed to a few things, asking his opinion, of which he really had none. It was almost funny, she was the one who had spent a summer in France after her freshman year of college, and would know which dishes she'd like._

 _Over the next several minutes, she'd explained to him some of the French cooking methods, and the art of the French chef. When the waiter had returned with their drinks, they'd come to no decision on the food because he'd gotten lost in listening to her go on and on about the different items on the menu._

 _The dinner went on for nearly two hours which had surprised Will, and had probably not made the restaurant staff very happy on a busy Saturday night. Every empty table meant more customers. But Will and Alicia were oblivious to it so caught up in their conversation. The askwardness of the whole dating idea had faded soon after they arrived at the restaurant. They'd spent a good chunk of the two hours, talking about her trip to France, the differences in the laws there as compared to the United States, and the things she'd like to see if she went back someday._

 _Having grown so comfortable with each other over time, they'd ended up sharing their food without giving it a second thought as though it was something they'd been doing for a lifetime._

 _The waiter came to fill their glasses once again, somewhat impatiently. After he'd left their table Alicia turned to Will who was looking over the bill. "We should leave a good tip. We've been here for over two hours."_

 _Will looked up at her. "Has it really been that long?"_

 _She chuckled. "Yes, they probably have fifteen people waiting for this table. The staff's been very kind for a busy Saturday night."_

 _He nodded. Looking back at the check still a little surprised. He'd never spent more than an hour at a restaurant with a girl, and this had felt like thirty minutes._

 _After leaving, they walked closely to one another. The restaurant was close enough to their apartments, that it had made more sense to walk to dinner, than fight the D.C. traffic. He had tickets to a show at the Smithsonian, so they headed back to his place to get the car. They had to cut through a small portion of campus to get to his place. A fresh layer of snow had covered the ground while they had been eating, and even now a few soft snow flakes still fell from the sky. She stopped at one point and reached down to the ground to pick a handful of it up in her hand. "It's pretty like this, all fresh before it gets trampled on."_

 _He nodded in agreement reaching down to pick up his own handful. It's good packing snow," he observed, forming a ball in his hands as they continued to walk. Soon, she got a mischievous grin on her face and gently threw the ball of snow in her hand right at him. It splattered apart as it hit his coat._

 _He turned towards her, lifting his hand that held the newly formed snowball._

 _"You wouldn't?" she protested playfully, stepping a little away from him._

 _'You started it," he said, calmly._

 _She stopped walking, reaching down to grab some more of the snow. As she did the snowball in his hand landed at her feet breaking into pieces. She couldn't help but laugh a little as she looked back up at him. A broad grin crossed his lips. She raised her arm ready to launch more snow at him._

 _"Just remember who started this when you're covered in snow in a few minutes!" he commented, reaching for some more snow, then threw it at her hitting her leg. She threw hers at him and it was on. They backed further away from each other and began throwing more snow at the other, careful to avoid each other's faces,_

 _"If you get me all wet, I'll look a mess for the show," she protested in laughter, throwing another larger ball towards him._

 _"You'll never look a mess to me," he responded, as he threw more snow at her then quickly lifted his arm for protection from her next shot._

 _She blushed a bit at his honesty, but quickly turned away so he wouldn't see. As more snow hit the back of her coat she sensed this was the beginning of the unraveling of the feelings she'd felt for him for some time now._

 _They carried on for a few minutes coaxing each other along, in between the fits of laughter and playful taunting. A few more minutes passed and she threw another large, solid, snowball at him aiming for his shoulder. Just at the last second he bent and turned to miss it, but in so doing it landed firmly against his face right next to his eye. His hand went immediately to the painful spot on his check._

 _Alicia gasped placing her hands over her mouth. "Will, I'm sorry,"_

 _He chuckled. "Its okay, it'll be fine." But as he said it, she rushed towards him removing her glove. With the newly fallen snow, and in her rush to make sure he was okay, she didn't notice the layer of cracked ice below her feet. She slipped, crashing to the ground her hands hitting the hard cold ice first to help break her fall. She lay in stunned silence for a few seconds as he hurried over to her, bending down next to her._

 _"Leesh, you okay?" he inquired, placing a hand on her shoulder._

 _She thought for a minute before responding, pulling herself to a sitting position. "Yeah, I think so. Other than a bruised ego," a slight smile crossed her lips. But just a few seconds later the stinging pain began to set in. A little pain in her back, but the wrist of her hand where she'd removed her glove was throbbing. She lifted it from the cold ground, turning it over to look._

 _Will saw the blood as soon as she did. She inhaled and looked away in an attempt to hold back the tears that had suddenly threatened her eyes. Not to mention she had a difficult time with the sight of blood streaming down her wrist._

 _He noticed her grimace. "It's okay," he said, taking her wrist into his hand after quickly removing the scarf from around his neck. He wrapped the scarf gently around the open wound. "There, that should help until we can get back to my place and bandage it up."_

 _She nodded, as he helped her to her feet, and they began to walk again._

 _"Does anything else hurt?"_

 _"No," she said, leaning closer to him, his arm around her. "My back's a little sore, but it will be fine," she commented a few moments later. "My place is closer. We should go there," she suggested as they left the college campus._

 _Once at her apartment, he had her sit in the kitchen while he got the first aid supplies out. He gently unwrapped the scarf from her wrist. Noticing her color pale a bit when she looked at it moving to the sink to clean it, he offered to help. He hadn't known that the sight of blood made her squeamish before this._

 _"Here, let me do it," he offered, reaching for her wrist._

 _She let out a slight sigh of relief. "It's not that I can't do it, it just turns my stomach," she said, as he ran some clean water over the wound. "I'll be a horrible mother when my kids get hurt. I'll have to hold my breath, and clean them up as quickly as I can."_

 _He let out a little laugh. "I bet it's different when it's your own kids. When they get hurt, you have super mom powers." He reached for the bandaging._

 _"Leesh, the cuts pretty deep, I think we should have it looked at. You might need stitches."_

 _"Stitches! It can't be that bad." She looked down at the cut just below her palm. This seemed to make it hurt worse. "A piece of ice must have cut through the skin."_

 _He nodded. "We can go over to the university hospital."_

 _"But what about the show?" she protested, I can have this looked at tomorrow."_

 _He smiled. "I'm not worried about missing the show. I am worried about your wrist."_

 _She could tell from his tone, he meant it, and that trying to argue with him wasn't going to work. This was one argument she'd have to be fine with losing._

 _Once they were in the exam room, the nurse unwrapped her wrist as they explained what had happened. By this time Will's eye had swollen and was beginning to turn dark shades of purple and blue. He stood right next to Alicia as if he could protect her from any further pain, filled with concern as she flinched and turned away._

 _Not long after the student resident doctor entered the room. They recounted the story for her, and Alicia mentioned her back was still hurting some. The doctor moved behind her lifting her sweater some to examine her back. After looking at it for a few moments, she moved back in front of Alicia taking her hand into her own pushing back her sleeve further as if she were looking for something._

 _"Are you hurt anywhere else?" The doctor asked._

 _"No, I don't think so."_

 _"Okay. You need a few stitches, but it should be good as new in a few weeks. I'll be right back with the needed supplies."_

 _It seemed like they waited for an extremely long time for the doctor to return, but finally she entered the room again, supplies in hand, followed by another doctor. "This is Dr. Michaels, the attending physician. She's here to observe my work. But we'd like to do a more thorough exam on Alicia after I get these stitches in, just to make certain she hasn't sustained any other injuries. Mr. Gardner, would you mind waiting outside? It will only be a few minutes."_

 _Alicia and Will both looked at each other. "I'll be fine," Alicia said._

 _"You probably will be. I just like to be thorough, it won't take long." The doctor smiled at her, as if that would convince her._

 _"It's okay Leesh. I'll wait outside. It's probably not a bad idea anyway. You hit the ground pretty hard." He ran a quick soothing hand across her back, and left the room. The nurse outside led him to another room, instead of a waiting area, which he thought a bit odd, but didn't question._

 _The doctor began working on Alicia's wrist. "Alicia, I wanted Dr. Michaels to look at the bruises on your back. Iis there anything you haven't told me that we should be concerned about?"_

 _"No," she said with a sigh. She was a bit tired._

 _The resident glanced up at her, as the other doctor moved behind her to exam her back. "Nothing you want to tell me, now that he's out of the room?"_

 _Alicia looked confused. "No, why?"_

 _"How did you get these bruises on your back? They aren't new, at least three or four days old now if I had to guess." Dr. Michaels cut in._

 _Without considering what the doctor was implying, Alicia told them the story. Three days prior she'd been up too late studying, and been half asleep the next morning when she got into the shower and had lost her balance. Slipping on the tiled floor, she'd reached her hands to the wall to keep her upright, but in the process her back had slammed hard against the shower fixtures._

 _When she finished, it suddenly hit her as to why the doctor had wanted Will to leave the room. "Wait," she chuckled. "You think Will gave me those bruises?" She let out a guarded laugh feeling amused and horrified at the same time. The look on the doctors' faces quickly caused the smile to erase from her lips._

 _The doctors found no humor in the situation. "Yes, that's what we're implying," Dr. Michaels said. "We see a lot of these cases. A woman comes in with her boyfriend with injuries and claims it was a silly accident. Between your injuries, and his black eye, it looks like abuse. We want to make sure you remain safe, so if there's anything else we need to know, you can tell us now. He can't come back in here without our permission."_

 _Now truly horrified, she looked over to the door where Will had just left fifteen minutes prior. The resident had just finished bandaging her wrist. Alicia quickly stood, and headed towards the door. "Doctors, I guarantee you Will did not inflict any of these injuries on me. He'd never even think about it. He's the kindest person I know. Where is he?"_

 _"Down the hall in another room. You're sure this wasn't abuse?" Dr. Michaels, asked one final time._

 _"Yes, I'm sure! I can't believe this! Look, I understand you see a lot of cases like this all the time. And I appreciate your thoroughness on behalf of other women. But this is not a case of domestic violence. Not even a little."_

 _"Okay,"_

 _"Are we done here?" Alicia questioned._

 _"Yes."_

 _"Then take me to Will please."_

 _They moved down the hall a few doors. Alicia noticed the on duty officer standing outside the room where Will was._

 _"You had an officer guard the door?" She was beginning to grow upset._

 _"It was just a precaution."_

 _Alicia shook her head in frustration quickly entering the room. Inside, Will was talking to another woman._

 _"Will, I'm so sorry," she said, moving quickly to stand next to him, grasping onto his hand. A look of relief crossed Will's face. Alicia turned to the woman across the table from him. "Who are you?" she asked._

 _"I'm a social worker,"_

 _"There's been a mistake. This is not what you were led to believe it was."_

 _The woman turned to the two doctors who explained what had happened. After a few more minutes of explanations, and apologies from the staff Will and Alicia left the hospital._

 _Once outside the hospital Will chuckled, shaking his head. As he and Alicia headed towards the car. "How can you find any humor in this? They all thought you were beating me. I'm appalled Will. I'm so sorry."_

 _He stopped walking, and turned to face her placing his hands on her arms, a smile still formed on his lips. "Okay, I will admit, I was a little concerned when the social worker didn't seem to believe a word I was saying. But now that it's over," he laughed under his breath. "It's a pretty good story don't you think? Much more entertaining than the dinner and show story you'd have to tell Julia tomorrow."_

 _She looked him right in the eye, a smile beginning to form on her lips, starting see a tiny bit of humor in the situation. "Oh no, we are not telling anyone what just took place inside that hospital."_

 _"But our friends will think it's hilarious," he protested._

 _She lifted a finger. "Promise me you won't tell anyone what happened, other than getting my wrist taken care of."_

 _He laughed again, surprised she seemed so concerned about it. But he knew it was no use arguing with her. "Fine, I promise." He glanced down at his watch. "Come on. You look cold. Let's go back to my place, and I'll make you some hot cocoa, and we can play a game, or watch a movie or something. Unless you want me to take you home. You're probably tired." He inwardly hoped she didn't want to go home._

 _A genuine look of happiness filled her features. "Okay, that sounds nice." The reality was that they may well be on a date, but at this point, between her now sore body, and coming down from the horrified high of what had just happened, she didn't want to be alone. And who better to spend the rest of the night with than her closest friend, the one who'd spent the last two hours by her side attending to her every need? She was grateful he'd been with her, and glad to have his arm around her as they walked towards his car._

 _How she'd gotten so cold, she wasn't certain. But now she sat on his couch curled up beneath a blanket, watching him stand over the stove warming some cocoa for her. She liked his best, and he knew it. Even if it was simply some expensive mix he'd found that he added milk and marshmallows to. A few minutes later he was sitting next to her, each with a mug in hand. He turned on the movie they'd agreed on. A few minutes into the movie she relaxed against him, resting her head on his shoulder. "How are you now, any warmer? Do you need anything?" he asked._

 _"No, I'm fine, thank you. I'm sorry I ruined some of your plans tonight."_

 _He turned to her. "Dinner was great, and you didn't ruin anything. This date wasn't about what we did, or didn't do." He had more to say, wanted to tell her how he really felt, but he didn't want to scare her away and burst the bubble they were in at the moment._

 _She smiled, slowly nodding her head. A moment of awkward silence filled the room. She briefly looked down at the bandage wrapped around her wrist. He'd been nothing but wonderful the entire night._

 _Neither of them would later be able to recall exactly what was said, if anything, between them in the next few moments before she leaned in closer and pressed her lips to his. She hadn't consciously thought about kissing him before tonight, but somehow as the kiss deepened, she knew she'd wanted to for a very long time._

 _Their lips parted a few long moments later. He held his hand to her chin as she looked into his eyes, a look of subtle surprise at what had just happened could be seen in both of them._

 _A flood of uncertainty mixed with excitement flooded over her, and suddenly she pulled away unsure of what to say, slightly shocked that she'd been the one to kiss him first. She stood and headed towards the kitchen. The taste of his lips on hers still lingered like a burn._

 _"We should have put some ice on that eye hours ago," she commented, opening the freezer._

 _She felt as though she was unraveling, and didn't know what to do to stop the flood of emotions that were surging through her. All of a sudden it was as though all of the feelings she'd possibly had for him for months, maybe even years now, were being unleashed. It both excited and terrified her all at once. She suddenly realized that her long time study buddy, and good friend, probably had some of these same feeling for her. That he probably had for longer than she cared to imagine. She'd always brushed off his caring gestures, and attentiveness, to the side, excusing it as a good friendship they'd shared for years. And in the beginning that was what it had been, but now she realized he'd sat patiently on the sidelines for at least a year now waiting, knowing that the least they owed each other was a chance at a real relationship. But she'd been so taken with Peter, had truly loved Peter, and then been so hurt when things hadn't worked out, that she hadn't ever seen what was standing right in front of her._

 _She looked at him, her stomach filling with butterflies, as he walked towards her. She could see it in his eyes, he loved her. It was as plain as day now that she'd let down the protective wall she hadn't realized she'd built between them. But did she love him?_

 _He reached her and took the ice tray out of her hands. "Leesh, it's fine. I don't need ice." He placed the tray back in the freezer and reached for her hand. "Come on, let's finish the movie." He was struggling as much as she was for what should happen now. Maybe she'd been right. Going on a date would change things between them._

 _She didn't move from the spot where she stood. How could he be so calm about this? She was one giant wreck inside._

 _He turned and looked at her. "What?" he questioned curiously when she hadn't moved._

 _She didn't say anything but moved in front of him pressing her warm lips to his again. In the frenzy, and heat of the moment, they managed to make it back to the couch, kissing each other as if they'd never have a chance to again. Taking out the months of held up tension as best they could. After a few more minutes he pulled away, hovering above her._

 _He was still a little surprised at what was going on. And wondered what her motives were, if any._

 _They continued to look into each others eyes. "Will," she finally said softly. "Take me to the bedroom."_

 _He stiffened for a brief second. Had he heard her right? Was she suggesting what he thought she was suggesting? He wanted nothing more at this moment, but would she regret it afterwards if they took things all the way?_

 _"Leesh," he said, in a barely audible tone._

 _"Will, I know what you're thinking. That it's too much. That this is our first date, and that things weren't supposed to move so fast." She propped herself up onto her elbows. "We can say what we want to say, but we both know that isn't the truth." She bit her lower lip, suddenly a huge lump was forming in her throat, tears threatening her eyes. "We've been together for a long time. I can barely remember my life before you were in it." She reached her soft hand to his face. "I won't deny that everything physically inside of me wants you right now. But it's so much more than that, and I can't believe it took me so long to realize it."_

 _He continued to look at her, still trying process what she was saying. Hardly believing they were at this point._

 _"Please Will, take me to the bedroom. I want to give us a try," she said quietly. "It's time."_

 _Somehow he knew she meant it. He also knew neither of them would regret what was about to happen. He pressed his lips firmly to hers again with more intensity. A minute later he lifted her gently off the couch and carried her to his room._

 _They could have made quick work of things. The burning desire in each was near a peak. But they took things slowly, thoroughly savoring every moment, each piece of clothing that slowly came off. Enjoying every touch, every kiss, as if they'd been doing this for a lifetime and they'd never have another chance to do it again. Keeping warm beneath the sheets in the darkened room, hands and lips moving all over each other, touching, caressing, massaging, until finally neither one could bare the built up tension any longer._

 _The pace finally quickened the intensity almost more than either could bear, falling over the edge together. As they came down from the high his warm body still connected and on top of hers, she raised a hand to his face leaning in to kiss him again. Awhile later she still lay snuggled within his embrace, a content smile across her lips as they fell asleep in each other's arms._

 _In the morning as they woke and realization of what they'd done began to sink in, he turned on his side wrapping his arm around her. Facing the other direction she stared out the window that now revealed the bright morning sun._

 _"Leesh," he said, gently running his fingers over her arm._

 _"Yeah,"_

 _"Do you regret anything from last night?" He was scared to know her answer, but wanted to know if they'd just made a huge mistake. He didn't think so, but maybe she did._

 _She turned over, placing a hand to his chest, gazing into his eyes. "No, I'll never regret anything we did last night."_

 _He smiled as she brought her lips to his again._

 _/_

Will and Alicia had walked a considerable distance along the path near the lake. When he finished telling her the story he stopped walking and turned to face her. Taking her right hand into his, he turned it over so that her palm faced upwards. He ran his finger over the scar that ran a few inches from her wrist.

"Your fall on the ice that night is how you got this."

She smiled softly, shaking hear head, looking at the scar. "That's quite the story."

"It was a good night," he said, as they turned around and headed back in the direction they had come from.

"So why did we keep the date a secret?" She now wondered.

"Well, as funny as it would have been later on to give our friends more details as to why you had to get stitches, and I had a black eye for a week, you were still a little embarrassed by the whole thing. That, and things changed between us that night. We stopped hiding from the feelings we had for each other. Honestly, making love to each other that night meant more than just a few moments of shared passion. It symbolized the connection we had. It was a night that we decided should be kept between us because it had meant so much."

He chuckled. "That's been one of the fun things over the years. Everyone's always assumed that either the date had gone horribly wrong, or been more amazing than anything they could imagine. When in reality, nothing noteworthy to anyone but us happened that night."

She nodded in acknowledgement. "And everything fell into place after that? We confessed our love, and things just went on from there?"

"No, we were still cautious. You more than me. There were definitely strong feelings between us, and I would have told you I loved you that night, if I thought it would have meant more than just saying the words. But I knew you weren't ready to hear it yet. We continued to date, officially, and a few months later the, "I love you" confessions eventually came out."

He turned to her again. "Listen, I know this stuff doesn't come easy for you, and I'm okay with that. It took over two years for you to admit you loved me the first time. I just want you to know that no matter how long it takes this time, I love you. This road we've traveled together hasn't always been easy, but I've loved you for longer than I can remember at this point, and I always will."

She smiled softly, leaning in to give him a soft kiss. After their lips parted she remained close, and looked up into his eyes. "You know what? I believe you." She reached for his hand and they continued to walk in comfortable silence.

A few minutes later a gust of wind blew past them as they got near a park bench. She inhaled and stopped walking. For a few brief moments, a string of images rushed through her mind. It almost seemed as if she were standing right there among the images.

 _She was sitting on a bench just like the one they were near, looking out at the lake. Two young children, a boy and a girl, were playing on the grass in front of her. Will sat next to her, his arm around her, and... This part she didn't quite understand. His hand lay gently over her stomach, but as she looked down it wasn't flat like it was now. She realized what she saw in her mind was a pregnant belly beneath the light yellow dress she had on. A rush of joy, and happiness filled her as her mind continued on. Will leaned over and kissed her cheek, whispering something in her ear, and it made her laugh, her eyes still on the two children happily playing just in front to them. She rested her head on Will's shoulder, it seemed as though she couldn't be happier. Happy, she thought. Yes, she felt a great sense of calm and happiness sitting there with him.  
_  
"Alicia," Will's concerned tone brought her back out of her thoughts. She looked over to him a little confused. "You okay?" He questioned.

She looked around a bit startled. There wasn't anyone near them. No children playing close by, no one sitting on the bench. "Yeah, I'm fine. Have we been here before? To this park I mean?"

"Yeah, lot's when the kids were younger. It's close to the office. Abbey used to drop the kids off at work some nights, and we'd bring them here to tire them out before bedtime. Why?"

She wasn't certain of what she'd remembered. If the two kids she'd seen had been Grace and Zach, it wouldn't make sense that she saw herself in a pregnant state. What she'd seen had probably just been a stream of memories all mixed into one, but it had seemed so real. She didn't want to get Will's hopes up that she was possibly remembering something.

"No reason, it just seemed familiar. But if we used to come here that might make sense."

He nodded, but concern remained across his features. "Are you sure? You just seemed out of it there for a minute."

"Yes, I'm sure," she responded, in a more convincing tone.

She'd thought about all that Will had told her of their first date on and off throughout the evening. Also of what Dr. Benson had discussed with them. She couldn't help but feel a sense of warmth and love. She was beginning to realize just how incredibly much this man she was living with must care about her. Not that she would have doubted it at this point. But hearing about their first date, and his loyalty to her before that, only aided in strengthening her feelings for him.

She came out of the bathroom after brushing her teeth. Will sat still on the edge of the bed, looking to be in deep concentration. She crawled on the bed moving next to him, placing an arm around him. He barely seemed to notice she was there.

"Everything okay?" she questioned.

He placed his hand on her leg, turning to look at her. "Yes, I was just thinking about our conversation in the car today before we got to Dr. Benson's office."

"I've thought about that to," she admitted. She moved her hand from his shoulder and reached to take his hand into hers. "The more I've thought about that, I don't know that knowing about what I can only presume are awful experiences in our lives, would be the best thing right now. Not when I'm trying to build a good relationship with you again. I don't know that I want to know why we would have needed counseling."

He seemed to relax a great deal looking at her. "Really?"

She nodded. "Just tell me this. Was one of us having an affair, or wanting to leave the other all those years ago? If so I don't want to know which one, I don't want any of the details. It just might help put my mind at ease either way."

He looked right into her eyes. "No. It wasn't anything like that. Something happened... It was out of our control and we really struggled with it. We needed help managing the situation."

She exhaled a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding in, her body filling with relief. An affair, was the only thing she'd come up with in her mind, that she thought she might struggle with knowing. Especially if it had been her that had cheated on him.

"Okay, then I don't want to know what it was right now. I'm curious, but it's not something that will keep me up at night."

He smiled, his features relaxing even more. He brought a hand to her face. "Just let know if and when you change your mind. I do think it's something you should know. Something I want you to know, when the time is right."

She leaned in and kissed him. He moved his hands to her arms, then to her waist, as the kiss deepened. This time she allowed herself to indulge in the kiss, and the feel of his hands on her body. She realized now that her hesitancy with him hadn't all been fear. Maybe in the beginning, but now, or sometime in the past few months, it had partially been a reluctance to physically feel the attraction she had towards him. Did she still want to feel more, a deeper connection to him, yes. But until then, she'd allow herself to go a bit further than she had previously.

He pulled his lips away from hers and began to trail kisses down her cheek. Brushing the hair away from her neck, he pressed soft kisses along the smooth skin just below her ear. Her breath caught, and he smiled at her familiar expected reaction to being kissed there.

She inhaled at the sensation the kiss sent through her whole body, turning her head to catch his lips with hers again. He gently pushed her onto her back against the soft bed coverings, and lay next to her, his hands running smoothly over her bare arms, as he continued to kiss her.

At one point she grasped onto his arm with some intensity, pulling her lips away from his.

"You okay?" he questioned, mentally preparing himself to put a halt on what they were doing.

"Fine, just it's not fair. You know all my little secrets, all my little trigger points, and I don't any of yours."

The gentleness in his eyes eased the quick sense of anxiety that had briefly hit her. "Well, that will be part of the fun. Rediscovering each other as we go along," he commented, gently running a finger along her skin, tracing the pattern of her loose tank top.

She laughed a bit, as he pressed his lips to her neck again. He loved that she was reacting to him this way. Savoring the fact that for the first time in so long, he was being allowed to touch her, kiss her, like this again. It didn't matter that they were still fully clothed in pajamas, they didn't need to be naked to for this moment to be intimate.

Some time later, they lay comfortably in each other's arms for the night. "Leesh," he said, breaking the quiet of the darkness that filled their room now.

"Hmm."

"I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me on Saturday night?"

She chuckled. "I don't know, we've become such good friends, I wouldn't want that to mess things up between us."

He couldn't help but laugh out loud. "I'm willing to risk it," he responded.

She shifted to look up into his eyes. "Then yes, I'd love to go out with you on Saturday night."

 **A/N: I hope this chapter did justice to the situation. I know some of you might be wondering if the memory Alicia had at the park was real, or a just a few mixed together like she thought. It was real, and a memory from when she was pregnant with Kate. I'm still not certain how many, and how quickly her other memories will return, but she will continue to get some back.**

 **I do hope all of you have a wonderful holiday season, no matter the holiday you may be celebrating at this time of year!**


	21. First Date - Again

Diane waited just outside Will's office until he hung up the phone. An audible sigh and look of frustration crossed his face as she entered.

"Client issues?" she questioned, sitting in the chair across from him.

"No. I'm taking Alicia out tomorrow night, and I can't get a decent table at Alinea, Schwa, or Spiaggia."

"Are you celebrating something?" Diane was well aware of the fact that the restaurants he'd listed were some of the finest and most expensive in the city. Something he and Alicia only indulged in on special occasions.

A little smile crossed his lips. "Yes, our first date," he chuckled, standing to move to the sofa.

Diane looked perplexed.

"The marriage counselor suggested we needed to date. He's not wrong in that. We should have been taking the time to go out for months now. For Alicia, this date tomorrow night will be our first - ever." He briefly explained a bit of what Dr. Benson had told them a few days prior.

Diane shook her head. It was one thing to be a close friend on the inside of all of this, but completely different to be either Will or Alicia in the situation. She interacted with them at work. They all spent some time on weekends, and such together. In many ways Will and Alicia's relationship seemed very similar to what it had been for years, minus Alicia's memories of course. But the actual reality of the situation was complex.

"That could be fun in ways," she commented, trying to ease his obvious frustration.

He chuckled, nervously this time. "Yeah, fun with more pressure this time around. I'm courting the woman I love all over again, but the stakes are much higher this time. The first time around I had everything to gain and little to lose. This time, if things don't work out, I have much more to lose." He looked away, his features becoming saddened.

"Will, you can't honestly still think she won't fall in love with you again? That's absurd."

He shook his head. "I don't know. There's still so much she doesn't know. My biggest fear is that I've put everything behind us, am ready to move forward. But what happens, if in the end she just can't find it within her heart to really love me again? I don't want her to feel trapped in a relationship she's not completely happy with. And if she ever does get some of the really awful memories from the past back, will she be angry at me all over again?" He sighed heavily and stood to face the window. "I just wanted tomorrow to be... exceptional, and I can't even get us a decent table for dinner."

She felt for him as far as his doubts were concerned. But inwardly she had to chuckle, recognizing the boyish nervousness in him. He rarely let his nerves show. She'd only seen it maybe a dozen times in all the years she'd known him. She thought it was sweet in many ways, his nervousness about taking his own wife out on a date.

She moved next to him. "You're trying too hard. You're over thinking it."

He turned his face towards her. "What do you mean?"

"You don't need to impress Alicia with fancy restaurants, and expensive gifts." She looked right into his eyes. "You already bought her some expensive piece of jewelry didn't you?" Her lips curved up into a knowing smile.

Sometimes he hated how well Diane knew him. But if she didn't they wouldn't even be having this discussion. "Yes, I want tomorrow night to be,"

Diane rolled her eyes. "Stop. We both know that Alicia would appreciate the gift. She'd enjoy the five course meal with an exquisite view of the city. But that's not the way to her heart, and you know it." He gave her an understanding nod, placing his hands in his pockets.

"When I was dating Kurt, and I could tell things were becoming more serious, I asked Alicia what it had been about you that made her feel she could trust you with her future. It was daunting to me to commit to one person for the rest of my life, and trust that they would be committed to me for just as long. Do you know what she told me?"

He smiled. "No."

"I don't remember all of the specifics, but she said something like it had seemed as though nearly every day she'd spent with you was better than the last. At that point in your marriage, three or four years ago, while many couples were growing apart, you and she were only growing closer together. One of the reasons she'd been able to put her whole trust in you was that your relationship had never felt forced. It had always felt natural to be with you… that you didn't try to impress her with extravagance. It was all the little things you did that showed her you cared."

She paused briefly trying to recall more of the conversation, and then a gentle smile crossed her lips. "There is one specific thing I do remember her saying. In essence, the moments she fell more in love with you; were the late nights at the library and sitting on your sofa in New York on Sunday afternoons, not doing anything in particular, just enjoying your company."

She smiled at him. "I guess what I'm trying to say, is that it's not about where you eat, or what gifts you give her that will cause her to fall in love with you again. It's the simple things, the small gestures that I know full well you've kept up all these years. If you want my honest opinion, a date that will be the most memorable for both of you tomorrow would be to choose one of your low-key favorite restaurants, and come up with some other place to take her that you two used to like to go. Yes, you are courting her all over again, so court her all over again. Don't try to turn the process into something that feels like an obligation."

"I don't feel like it's an obligation. It's just getting to know each other again."

"Yes, you will both be getting to know each other again in many ways. But Will...you do know her. Trust that knowledge and those feelings. It's not going to be spending an evening with someone you barely know. It's spending an evening with Alicia, your wife, the woman you've spent the past twenty years dating. It will all work out. Just don't get distracted by trying so hard. She'll see right through that."

He looked somewhat relieved. "So I should return the item of jewelry I bought for her?" he said, exhaling a little laugh.

Diane couldn't help but laugh a bit as well. "Well let me see it. Your anniversary is next month. Let's see if it's good enough for that occasion!"

He laughed. "You just want to know what it is!"

"I want to know if you need to encourage Kurt as to what he should give me for my birthday."

Will moved back to his desk, opening a drawer. "It won't do you any good. Kurt already has a gift for you," he smiled, lifting a bag with a local jeweler's name on it from the drawer.

Diane put her hands to her hips. "Oh really?"

"Yes, but when you try to pry out of him what it is, don't tell him I'm the one who told you."

* * *

Alicia stood at the side of the bed looking at the different outfits she'd pulled from the closet.

"So what do you think I should I wear?" she asked Julia, who she'd been talking to for a good half hour at this point. They'd gotten completely off the topic from Alicia's original reason for calling in the first place – her date with Will.

"Whichever one is the sexiest," Julia commented. "Although, it really won't matter to Will. You could be wearing a paper bag, and he'd think you were just as sexy as if you were wearing a low cut formal. I've never seen a man look at his wife after so many years of marriage, the way he still looks at you."

Alicia laughed, rolling her eyes. "Oh come on, be serious. I have to get ready soon."

"Alicia, I am being serious."

Alicia sat on the edge of the bed. "Certainly Josh still looks at you the way you think Will looks at me. And what do you mean the way he looks at me anyway? Every so often he gets a look in his eye that tells me exactly what he's thinking, but it's not like he does it all the time, or in front of anyone but me."

Julia laughed out loud. "If I were there, I'd demonstrate for you. He looks at you, "that way", all the time. Half the time when you aren't even looking at him."

Alicia couldn't help but blush a bit. "I don't know why I'm so nervous about this. We're just going out without the kids." she admitted, glancing over to a photo of she and Will on the dresser across the room.

"You were the same way when you two went out the first time back in college, and I couldn't understand why. It was Will then, and it's Will now. But I think part of it may be because it's new in a lot of ways, and you never have liked new situations. Relax. I bet whatever he planned will be perfect. Where is he taking you anyway?"

"I don't know. He wouldn't tell me. He said he wanted it to be a surprise."

"Did he ever tell you what you two did on your first date back in college?"

Alicia laughed grabbing the items of clothing from the bed she decided against wearing. "Yes, he did. And no I won't tell you."

"Oh come on Leesh, it's been twenty years now."

"And twenty more years, and twenty years after that will come and go, and you still won't know because it's between Will and me."

Julia blew air from her lips. "Okay. I figured it was worth a try," she chuckled.

"Not nice, trying to take advantage of your friend with the memory loss," Alicia joked.

"I know. And Will would kill me if I'd been able to pry it out of you anyway!" They both laughed.

"So, did you buy something new to wear under your outfit tonight? I can only imagine how the evening will end." Julia commented innocently. "It's so romantic you two going out on your first date even though you're married."

Alicia didn't respond at first. Staring at the one outfit left on the bed. "No, we're still... working through that."

Sensing Alicia's hesitancy Julia apologized. "Leesh, I'm sorry. I just assumed that after so long… we haven't talked about it for a few months…"

"No, no. It's okay. We're getting there. It's all me, and Will seems to understand, at least outwardly." She sat on the bed again thinking through the past few days since she and Will had seen Dr. Benson, and briefly explained to Julia what he had suggested. "Sometimes I think it's silly, holding out on him like I have. I'm definitely attracted to him. He came out of the bathroom this morning with only a towel wrapped around his waist, and I almost felt faint. It was one of those moments I've experienced a few times where I was completely ready to throw caution to the wind and tell him to take me right there."

Julia chuckled. "Attraction obviously isn't an issue for either of you."

"No. But there is a part of me that feels self-conscious about being completely naked in front of him. Sometimes it just seems like putting myself in a very vulnerable, exposed situation."

"Well it is. But he is in the exact same boat. Maybe that's why so many of us do it in the dark, or remain half clothed the first time. But I think you'll decide fairly quickly that you don't feel as exposed as you think you might right now."

"Yeah, I guess I can see your point." Alicia sighed. "I'm more worried that I've disappointed him. I just don't want to make things worse by continuing to hold out on him."

"Leesh, you're too hard on yourself. I know you and Will. You would never be a disappointment to him. Exposing your vulnerability isn't something you do easily. Only those closest to you get to see that part of you. Will knows that. He also knows that physical intimacy isn't something you just give away easily, that it does have to mean more to you. You held out far longer than most of us to have sex for the first time, waiting until you and Peter were engaged."

"Peter was the first person I slept with?" This was a bit of a surprise to her. Everything she'd read, or seen on screen recently, made it seem like sleeping with someone after a few dates was perfectly normal.

"Yes, at least that's what you told me back then. Alicia, like it or not you were always the good girl. Being there for, and being the example for Owen, studying your brains out so you'd do well in school, partly to make your father proud of you, but also because you refused to become like your mother who slept around a lot after the divorce because she felt like she'd been trapped for too many years."

"She's still that way," Alicia said, with a hint of agitation.

"Yes, and Will knows all of that because you allowed him into your personal bubble almost from the beginning. Because the two of you were always so close, people just assumed you'd slept with each other long before you ever had. You'd fall asleep together on the sofa or in bed after hours of studying. He spent two full days at our place once nursing you back to health after you came down with a bad case of the flu. He stayed with you all night one time after you'd gotten into a really awful argument with your mom about Owen. You've always allowed him to see you at your most vulnerable phases in life.

There was more than one instance where he could have taken full advantage of that for his own benefit, but he never did. He never seemed impatient, or tried to pressure you into anything no matter the situation. I guess what I'm saying is… stop worrying about it. You'll know when you're ready to take things all the way. I'm sure Will understands that. He knows you better than anyone else.

That doesn't mean that you should ask his opinion on everything, but I would trust his judgment. Trust that he isn't going to put you into any situation that he knows will make you uncomfortable. Leesh, he just wants you to be happy. You always have been, and always will be, his top priority."

"I'm not sure if that was supposed to be a pep talk or meant to put the pressure on. How am I supposed to live up to that?"

Julia laughed. "You already do live up to it. Just don't tell Will. My life wouldn't be the same if he stopped treating you like a queen, and I didn't have anything to hold over Josh's head!"

They both laughed. "Josh seems to treat you pretty well. You are the one who just got back from ten days in Hawaii."

"Yeah, he does treat me well. But it never hurts to have some backup ammo in place."

"So you guys are planning on coming out for New Year's?" Alicia questioned.

"Yes, it's been a few years since we attended the annual Gardner New Year's Eve party."

"Good. It will be nice to spend some time with you outside the rehab facility."

"You know you could always come visit me," Julia offered.

"I know. Maybe I will." Alicia looked down at her hand where a simple silver ring sat on her pinky finger. She and Julia each had one. It had been something they'd done in college. Suddenly Alicia longed for her friend to be closer. Julia had been the one other person besides Will and Diane who she'd been able to confide in since the accident. Will was her husband, and Diane was great, but she was enough older that a lot of their life experiences were different. Julia's life as a wife and mother were similar to her own, and it had been a great comfort to talk with her over the past months.

"I better go. Will is going to be back with the kids from Grace's game soon. I hope you feel better soon."

"I'm sure hearing about every sappy detail from tonight will cure me of whatever I've come down with. You better call tomorrow. No secret dates this time!" Julia teased.

Alicia laughed. "I'll call you tomorrow."

* * *

Alicia glanced over the upstairs railing at Will, Owen and the kids, who were sitting on the couch watching a Cub's game. She was glad Will and Owen got along so well, relieved honestly, that Owen had grown to manhood with his head screwed on straight. From the few things she remembered from her teenage years, he'd gotten himself into a lot of trouble at an early age.

Their team had just scored the winning run in the ninth inning when she entered the family room. They were all cheering when Will noticed her. He quieted down and moved towards her with a gentle smile across his lips. He looked good in his khaki pants and blue button-down shirt that was rolled at the sleeves. When he reached her, he leaned in, placing a soft kiss to her forehead.

She blushed a bit when he pulled away. There was that look in his eyes she'd been discussing with Julia earlier in the day.

"You look great," he said. His eyes still lingering on her exposed neck and shoulders that her navy blue top revealed.

"So do you," she responded.

Owen took the kids to his place for the night. After they left, Will and Alicia set off for the restaurant. Once downtown, Will parked the car and they walked a short distance to a building on the corner. It was an older building that had clearly been renovated. The sign read, "The Boarding House."

When they entered, Alicia's eyes went immediately to the large chandelier that took center stage in the first floor bar area. "It's made up of wine glasses," she commented, as they moved further into the space.

"Yes. There are somewhere around nine thousand of them. It was made especially for the restaurant. The wine list here is very extensive," he smiled, taking her hand and moving towards the elevator at the far end of the space. "Wait until we get to the main dining area. There's something else I think you'll like."

They rode the elevator to the third floor, where the dark wood continued to be prominent in the exposed beams, inlaid wood floors and tables. Natural light from the two walls of large bay windows made the space inviting, but even more impressive was the ceiling installation made up of wine bottles.

"There must be a few hundred of them up there," she commented as they got closer to the hostess.

Will chuckled. "Almost four thousand."

"Really?" she replied, with surprise.

He nodded, giving the hostess their name. They were seated immediately at a table next to one of the windows. He handed her the wine list. "Look at this first."

One thing that had become apparent to him in recent months was that Alicia had retained her enthusiasm for wine. They kept a fair amount in the house. When the kitchen had been built Alicia had made certain they had a space for a wine cooler.

Since she'd come home from the rehab facility, she'd often have a glass with dinner or at night after the kids had gone to bed. It had been adorable at some points because she'd open a new bottle that she hadn't tried, take a sip, and then hand him the glass. _"Here taste this. It's really good."_ She would say to him. He'd take a sip, chuckling to himself. He knew full well the ones they kept in the house were her favorites, but didn't want to dampen her enthusiasm over it by pointing it out to her.

She glanced at the wine list, and then looked back at Will, who was waiting for a reaction. "There are four hundred and fifty different bottles to choose from?" she questioned.

"And twenty more you can only get by the glass," he added.

"How do you even choose one? I've never seen such an extensive wine list."

"That's part of the fun. And lucky for you, I happen to have the list of wines we have tried before, including the ones we really liked, and ones we disliked."

"So we come here often?" She glanced up from the menu to look at him again.

"Periodically. The food is good and priced right, and I happen to have a wife who really enjoys her wine! In the past when we came, we'd order a wine we had never tried, and take a bottle of something we really liked home with us. This place has only been open for a few years so we're only about forty wines in on the list."

"So which ones do we really like?"

"I'm not going to tell you. I think we should start all over, with one exception. If you choose one of the ones we didn't like before, I'll tell you, and we'll go with your next choice."

"And why am I the one who always gets to choose?"

"Because you like wine much more than I do. You're the expert. I've learned far more about wine over the years than I would have expected. You have _cultured_ me. But I'm perfectly happy with a simple white or red depending on what I'm eating."

She nodded, smiling to herself as she continued to look over the wine list, and food menus. It was clear to her that he had brought her here tonight, and in the past, because he knew it was something she would enjoy, but it was not necessarily someplace that he would come on his own accord. She found it sweet in many ways that he wouldn't just tell her which wines they liked best…that he wanted her to experience it for herself. In essence, he wanted them to make new memories together.

Near the end of their meal the waiter approached with the bottle of wine they'd decided to take home in one hand, and a large bouquet of flowers in the other. He placed the bottle on the table, and held out the bouquet to Alicia.

"For me?" she asked, glancing to Will who had a loving smile across his lips. He nodded. She took the flowers from the waiter, immediately bringing then close to her nose to take in the sweet scent. Glancing past Will, she noticed the jealous looks a few women wore on their faces as they looked in her direction.

"You spoil me too much," she commented quietly, as they stood to leave.

"You deserve to be spoiled," he said, taking her hand into his.

They drove for a short while out of the downtown area towards home. "Where are we headed now?" Alicia asked.

"Revinia park," Will replied.

"For the music festival?" she questioned.

"Yes. There is a show I think we'll both enjoy tonight."

Alicia smiled, turning to look out the window. The Ravinia park music festival took place every summer. It was the longest running outdoor music festival in the country, occurring regularly since the early 1900's. "My father used to take us to the festival a few times every summer when I was little. It was a good way for Owen and me to be exposed to a variety of quality music that didn't break the bank account."

Will smiled and nodded. "It's a tradition that we have kept up with the kids…although, I think they like being at the park and having a picnic more than anything."

Alicia loved the idea that she and Will brought their children to the festival. It had always been something she had looked forward to doing with her father each year. "What are we seeing tonight?" She asked, as they walked toward the entrance.

"A special appearance by Max Raabe," he replied, an excited gleam in his eye.

"Who is that?"

He chuckled, remembering only at that moment that he had been the one to introduce her to Raabe's music. She had grown to enjoy it along with him, and he hoped she'd still like it now. "He's a German musician. His music is a 1920's and 1930's style, but with a modern twist. I really enjoy his music, and…" he looked at her and smiled.

"I did too?" she questioned.

"Yes, I hope you'll still like it."

"It sounds interesting. I guess we'll see."

There was seating in the large amphitheater, as well as a large lawn area that surrounded it, to accommodate more people. Will thought it would be more fun, and relaxing, to watch from the lawn, so he had brought along some lawn chairs, and a large blanket. Once they had staked out their spot, they walked hand in hand through the park, looking at the various stone and vegetation sculptures that could be found along the many paths.

The conversation flowed effortlessly throughout the evening as they discussed work, the kids, and then the music.

Half way through the show, they'd given up on the lawn chairs and were seated next to each other on the blanket. "So we went to a restaurant that I like and had enjoyed in the past. What are some of your favorite restaurants?" She'd been questioning him on things like this throughout the evening with two-fold purpose. She did want to know his likes and dislikes better, but she was also storing information away for the future. After celebrating Grace's birthday the week before, it had come up in conversation that Will's birthday was in less than two months, and Alicia wanted to be prepared.

"Me? Given my druthers, I'll usually choose pizza if it's a casual night out, or if we're taking the kids along. There are lots of good pizza places around the city. It is Chicago after all. But one of the best is a place you introduced me to near where you grew up."

"Gino's?" she questioned.

"Yes, the original location is best. You can eat outside, and they have a variety of other things on the menu in case some of us," he peered over to her with a broad smile, "one member of our family in particular, isn't in the mood for pizza!"

She laughed. "Hey I can eat my pizza as well as the rest of you," she raised a brow to him.

"Yes you can. But there have been weeks where we ended up eating leftover pizza for dinner two or three nights in the same week at ten pm when we got home from work too tired to make anything else. Then the following Saturday, the kids manage to talk us into taking them out for pizza. By then you've usually had enough pizza to last a month, so it's nice that the menu at Gino's has such variety."

"Makes sense. I like pizza about once every three weeks."

Will chuckled, leaning in to press a soft kiss to her cheek. "Exactly."

They sat in silence in each other's arms for awhile listening to the concert as the sun went down in the distance. Alicia had enjoyed the music, and they had gotten into a discussion about Will's "suboptimal," as he liked to call it, musical talent on the guitar. "You know my original "plan B" for a career, if baseball didn't work out, was to start my own band." He laughed lightly at the thought. "Just think if I'd have taken that route after my arm got hurt pitching, we might be the ones on tour right now!"

Alicia couldn't help but laugh. "Just what I want…spending every night in a different hotel, having to fight through crowds of fans when we go out to eat, and always having to look my best in case the paparazzi are out. No thank you. I'm perfectly happy having an attorney for a husband."

He nodded pulling her closer. "I'm much better at being an attorney anyway." He kissed the top of her head, and then moved to stand up. "Stay here. I'll be right back."

A few minutes later, he came up behind her, placing what he had in his hands where she couldn't see. "Close your eyes," he said, sitting next to her.

She furrowed her brow in question, but did as he asked. He smiled, admiring how amazing she looked sitting there, waiting for his next move. He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to her lips before pulling away. "Now, keep your eyes closed and open your mouth."

She smiled softly as her other senses kicked in, enhancing the sound of the music in the distance and the warmth of his body near hers.

He lifted the spoon to her mouth, and her lips closed on the mint chip ice cream. She opened her eyes and looked right into his. "My favorite," she said, reaching to take the spoon into her own hand.

"A little dessert," he replied, handing her the waffle cone cup of ice cream from him. "We couldn't come here and not have some ice cream."

For a few moments it seemed like they were the only ones in the park as their eyes met again and lingered. She had worried over the weeks that at times like this, when he did something for her because he knew her so well…like getting her favorite ice cream flavor…it might bother her because she felt like she knew so few of his likes. As she thought about it now though, it hadn't been that way at all. It had been a comfort in many ways, making her feel at ease. It truly felt as though they really had been together for years, even without the memories. The ice cream, like so many others, was a small loving gesture that she appreciated.

"I hope you got yourself some," she said, dipping her spoon back into the ice cream, "because I'm not sharing!"

"Yes. I figured as much, and got my own… caramel cashew." He reached behind her for his cup, and started eating.

 _Caramel cashew… S_ he made sure to commit this chosen flavor to memory. She also took note of the fact that his was in a regular cup instead of the waffle bowl like hers, something that she really liked.

"No cone?" she asked, taking another spoonful of the mint chip into her mouth.

"No, I don't really like the taste of cones."

She smiled and nodded as they turned their attention back to the concert.

* * *

After they arrived home, Will was getting a glass of water for himself in the kitchen. "What do you want to do now? We can watch a movie, play a game, go to bed."

Alicia leaned causally against the wall watching him. "What?" he questioned, looking down at his shirt to see if he'd spilt something on it when she didn't respond to his question.

She remained quiet, continuing to look at him with a content smile on her lips. He set the glass on the counter and walked towards her. She stepped closer reaching for his arm. Once his body was close enough, she moved in for a passionate kiss, her arms reaching around his neck. His hands moved to her thin waist, gently pushing her up against the wall. A few long moments later, they both came up for air.

"Let's go upstairs," she suggested. He nodded, his hand gently pressed against her cheek.

She took his hand leading him towards the stairs. She'd had a good time with him on their date, but his seductive glances she'd caught periodically throughout the evening, had been taken to heart. Now her own body was reacting to those looks, he'd made her feel nothing less than beautiful the entire evening.

As they reached the stairs, he swiftly reached for her waist turning her towards him. Before she had time to react, he had lifted her into his arms. "For old time's sake," he said, as she wrapped her arms around his neck, and he began carrying her up the stairs. "I kind of miss those few weeks after you first came home, and I had an excuse to carry you to our room."

She giggled leaning her head back some, allowing him to press soft kisses against her neck. They never talked about it, but somehow both knew that tonight would be different. They still wouldn't take things all the way, but her desire to be a little closer to him, to let down some of her guard was greater tonight.

He continued to shower her with kisses, holding her close to him. Her hands moved to the buttons of his shirt. So caught up kissing her, she wondered if he'd even realized the point where she'd undone the last button, and easily slipped the shirt from his shoulders. She had every intention of getting her hands on his bare, toned, chest for what would be the first time – ever – in her view.

Per Dr. Benson's suggestion, they had changed in the same room together a few times. But she'd remained hesitant. Keeping distance between them, and turning away when he was fully naked. Or when she was putting on, or removing, her bra.

Tingles rushed through her after removing his undershirt, feeling his bare skin beneath her fingers.

They fumbled to the bed, both falling on top of the soft bed coverings. He continued to press kisses to her neck, her hands on his chest. He was savoring the feel of her hands on him, and wanted nothing more than to get a layer of her clothing off. But he didn't attempt it. He didn't want to push her further than she wanted to go, and bring this heated moment to a swift end.

A few minutes later, she was on her back, he lay next to her. His lips pressed firmly to hers, his hand was on her waist, his fingers fumbling to gain access to the bare skin beneath her shirt.

She reached for his hand, gently moving it aside. He pulled his lips from hers, and watched as she sat up next to him and pulled her shirt off over her head, revealing her porcelain skin, and the soft lace bra that barely covered her breasts. He inhaled as she grasped his hand again, placing it back to her bare torso.

His eyes wandered over her as he gently ran his hand over her bare skin pulling her close again. He gently laid her down on her back, trailing kisses from her neck, to her chest, then onto her abdomen.

The thrill of his lips on her bare skin, sent shivers through her body. After he kissed her abdomen a few times, he looked up into her eyes. She watched, in thrilled suspense, as he slowly moved back to lying on his side next to her, lifting a finger to her chest and began tracing the outline of her bra. He looked back into her eyes, as if begging for permission for his whole hand to be allowed to do the same.

She smiled, leaning in to kiss him again, taking his hand into hers and pressing it firmly over her breast. She could feel the smile on his lips as they continued to kiss, and his hands fondled her breasts over the thin layer of lace.

After the evening they'd had, her confidence, having grown ten fold it seemed, and likely his as well. She pulled away from him a few minutes later, removing herself from the bed. She smiled at his immediate reaction of concern - thinking he'd gone too far.

"You okay?" he questioned.

"Better than okay," her voice full of seduction.

He sat up, just as she began to undo the button on her pants. He watched with hunger in his eyes as they slipped to the floor, and she crawled back onto the bed next to him.

He pulled her down next to him, pressing his lips to hers with more intensity. He took full advantage of his free hand that could now run along her bare legs, and over the soft lace fabric that covered her bottom.

She couldn't ignore the excitement that rushed through her as their hands moved over one another's bodies. Nor could she ignore the hardness she felt at his groin beneath his pants, pressing against her. For a few minutes things grew more intense. She wondered where this would end, not that she wanted it to end. But just as the thought crossed her mind he stopped and looked at her.

"I am really enjoying this, and I have had a very good evening with you, but I think we better stop. I am not going to be able to control myself much longer."

She understood, but couldn't help one more little flirtatious tease. "Too bad," she said, with a provocative pout across her lips, reaching her hand around him grasping onto his bottom.

He chuckled. There was only one way to deal with her when she acted this way. Though, she typically teased him like this fully clothed at work - when he couldn't do a thing about the lingering want in her glances, and brush of her hands over his arm that had far more meaning to them than anyone watching would know. He swiftly grabbed onto her, pulling her on top of him, and began to tickle her.

She laughed out loud in protest. "Stop," she pleaded, mid laugh.

He laughed to. "You'll soon learn that teasing me without clothes on, makes the tickling more intense. And I like it because I get to feel your body squirm against me!" His fingers tickled her torso one last time before he let go of her.

They both lay a little breathless next to each other. "I'll think twice before teasing you again." She smiled broadly at him, a look of love in her eyes.

After preparing for bed, they fell asleep curled up in each other's arms, satisfied that their first date had once again been a memorable one.

 **A/N; Happy New Year Everyone! I appreciate everyone reading these lengthy chapters. As a point of reference, all the restaurants, places, and events listed throughout this chapter, are actual places and events in Chicago. If you have any desire to see the wine chandelier, and wine bottle ceiling installment, you can view pictures of them on "The Boarding House" restaurant website.**


	22. An Honest Discussion

**A/N; Thank you all, for the honest reviews of the last chapter. I do like to know what people are really thinking! Hope you all have a wonderful day!**

Will woke to the aroma of coffee and pancakes filtering through the house. Remaining in bed, he smiled at the fact that it was Sunday morning, and that he and Alicia didn't have to rush off to work. They could spend a leisurely morning together without the kids who were still at Owen's.

It was on these occasions, when the kids were gone, that he was reminded of all the lazy Sunday's he and Alicia had spent together before they had children.

His mind wandered to the previous night, and their date. Things had gone even better than he'd expected. He felt more at ease now over everything. He felt like there was a plan in place, and that progress could be made. When it came down to it, he realized that things were feeling normal. At least, more normal than they had in a long time. He felt like he and Alicia weren't as much the strangers as they had seemed to each other before the previous night.

He'd closed his eyes again, resting a bit more before getting out of bed. Alicia was so quiet when she entered the room again, he hadn't heard her. She crawled back in bed behind him, lacing her arm under his, and placed her hand to his chest. He reached his hand, grasping onto hers.

"Good morning," she said, near his ear.

He shifted so he could look at her, and placed a soft kiss to her lips.

"Morning."

"I have breakfast for you," she smiled.

"I'll come down and eat in a few minutes," he replied.

"No, I have it here for you," she said, shifting to a sitting position.

He smiled up at her. "Breakfast in bed?"

She nodded affirmatively. "I thought it might be fun to eat, and talk here. Let you relax a little more before facing reality."

"And since the kids aren't here, we can get away with eating in bed," he added, with a chuckle. It meant a lot to him that she had thought about doing this. She didn't know it, but breakfast in bed had been something they'd shared on Sunday mornings for a very long time. He loved the idea that she'd thought of it without any prompting. _More normalcy,_ he thought to himself.

"Exactly. A little parental rebellion they don't need to know about!" She laughed raising her brow, and shifting to reach for the tray she'd brought up from the kitchen.

He reached for one of the plates of food, and a napkin, and then looked back over to her. "Pancakes," he commented.

"Blueberry, with nuts," she replied, with a gentle smile. "I came across the recipe the other day when I was cleaning out the cupboard. It had "Will's favorite" written in faded ink across the top. I thought I'd make them for you. Obviously you liked that version of blueberry pancakes at one point."

He stopped cutting into the pancakes and looked at her with a little excitement in his eye. "The recipe from a magazine clipping?" he questioned.

"Yes."

He smiled broadly. "I didn't know that recipe still existed in written form in this house. It was one of those recipes you'd just remembered over time. I thought it had been thrown out with some other things before we moved here."

"So it is one of your favorites?"

"Oh yeah! If you made these from that recipe, then these are the best pancakes on the planet."

She chuckled, as he took a bite. "Mmm!" he mumbled, taking another larger bite into his mouth. "I hope there are more of these, because I might want to eat them for lunch to."

"There are plenty more. Now you have to tell me where that recipe came from."

He put his fork down, continuing to look at her. "It came from an old New York magazine. This recipe has a few extra ingredients in it that make it slightly different from other pancake recipes. These have more flavor, and they're more moist than most. But part why I love these in particular, is that you made them for me on our first real Sunday off, after we'd moved to New York. We'd both been working for a about a month, and had finally taken the bar exam, so we didn't have to spend the whole day studying. The apartment was finally unpacked, and neither of us had to go put in any extra billable hours that day. It was like celebrating the fact that we'd survived the past three years, and had finally made it to adulthood.

I think that was the first time we'd actually realized that we could do whatever we wanted for the next eighteen hours. There were no professors, exams, or bosses, who demanded our attention. We finally felt like all the hard work had paid off. We were finally free."

"Sounds like a good day," she said.

"It was a good day. And it was the first time we had breakfast in bed together. We had made all these plans the night before to go and see some of the sights around the city that day. But after spending a few hours in bed that morning, we decided we'd rather stay away from the hustle and bustle of the city that we dealt with every day. Instead, we spent the entire day at home, and shared a quiet evening meal together that you'd made for us, which in those days wasn't common either. Back then, we were so busy, we usually ordered out, or ate someplace on our way home from work. The pancake recipe had come from a magazine that you'd been thumbing through the night before." He smiled, and took a sip of his coffee.

"It seems like we're better off than a lot of couples these days. Five new divorce cases came into the firm in the past two weeks," she said.

"Well part of that is that David Lee is very good. People want him to represent them in a divorce. As far as the other, I think we've learned how to deal with the hard things and work together as a team, instead of at odds with one another."

He paused, gazing into her eyes with a shy smile. "And I haven't really ever been able to picture my life without you in it. When you love someone as much as I've always loved you, you're willing to do whatever it takes to hold onto that relationship."

Her lips curved into a smile, allowing his honest words to sink into her heart, instead of trying to hold them on the outside, like she'd been doing for months.

She placed her plate aside. She'd barely touched any of her food. She curled her legs beneath her, getting more comfortable. "I woke up during the night, and I was thinking about the past months, the past days. The more I thought about things, the more guilty I felt."

Will put his plate aside, and reached for her hand. "Guilty about what?"

"The way things are…for you. I thought about how much of what has gone on since I woke up from the accident has been focused on me. What I need. What I want. What I'm comfortable with and how you haven't received anything in return."

"Alicia,"

"Let me finish. I want the kind of relationship that you've described to me, the kind where we do work together as a team. But I've been holding back, unwilling to believe that a marriage could really be that way. I think things are good between us, but I still feel like we're hesitant with each other, holding back because we're worried about hurting or offending the other. I know a lot of the hesitancy has been on my part. I don't want it to be like that anymore."

"I don't either."

"I want to talk about last night. I had a wonderful time. When we were together, just the two of us, I felt…different. I felt like there was a genuine connection between us. I finally felt like a normal person, something that hasn't happened much since the accident. I was able to enjoy each moment last night in the present, rather than worrying about the gap in my memory. I made breakfast for you this morning because I wanted to. I wanted to do something for you not because it might be expected, but because I thought it would be fun and…because I wanted you to feel loved and wanted, as much as you've made me feel those things."

He smiled taking her hand. "That means a lot to me."

"Good." She hesitated for a moment before going on.

"There's something else that happened last night that I wasn't expecting. Once we got home, and we were in here being…intimate. Many of my hesitancies seemed to go away. I didn't feel as vulnerable as I'd previously thought I would. The further things went, the more confident I felt. I think I've spent so much time worrying about the actual act of sex, that I haven't allowed myself to just enjoy the intimacy of being held in your arms, touched by you, and the exhilaration of it all. I realized that I'd probably pushed you further than was fair. I'm sorry. You've been so good, so patient with me. I never meant to take advantage of that.

"I appreciate that. Honestly, I was a bit surprised at how far things did end up going last night."

"This is still a very uncomfortable topic for me to discuss, but it was something we should have talked about at the time, or maybe once we were settled for the night. I don't know what would have been most appropriate for the situation."

He moved closer to her, placing his arm around her in an effort to make her feel more comfortable. "It would have been appropriate for you, and I, to have voiced what we were feeling when I suggested we stop things. Not necessarily to have had a lengthy discussion at that moment, but for you to have said you wanted to continue, and for me to have decided whether or not I thought I could do that without going too far. I've been trying to take your lead on things when it comes to intimacy, without asking a lot of questions. I admit this particular topic has been very difficult for me. I'm used to us being pretty open about sex, what we want, what we like. We had a very active sex life before. I'm used to us either telling the other we're in the mood, giving each other a look that indicates what we're in the mood for, and many times sex just being spontaneous."

"So what do we need to do about the communication, or lack thereof?"

"We keep talking openly like this, and I think we need to talk to Dr. Benson about it again. Maybe he would have some suggestions as to how to make this transition smoother for us. He said he had some ideas, or exercises we could try, that would be helpful. I don't think he thought we'd get as far as we did last night before we saw him again."

"Okay," she replied, feeling more at ease now. She leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. "You know what?"

"What?" he questioned.

"I think I might be falling in love with you." Her lips curved into a shy smile.

"You might be huh?" he said, bringing his hand to her cheek. The idea she was even thinking in these terms, warmed his heart.

She leaned closer to him, pressing her temple to his. "Maybe just a little," she said, softly before he pressed his warm lips to hers.

* * *

Alicia sat on the bed, her laptop opened to a face time chat with Julia.

"So where's Will?" Julia asked.

"Getting the kids to bed."

"Good, that means you can tell me all about that date on Saturday! You owe me. It's Wednesday already. You said you'd call on Sunday."

"I know. I'm sorry. Will and I have been busy."

"Hopefully busy in a good way, and not drowning yourselves in work. You two are a little too good at doing that."

Alicia chuckled. "Yes, in good ways. But we have been busy at work this week."

"I bet Will loves having you back at work with him."

"Yes, he seems to. I'd probably be lost if he weren't there though."

Julia nodded. Then Alicia related for her many of the things she and Will had done on their date. Though, not in as much detail as Julia probably would have liked.

"Alicia, Will's got to be one of the most romantic guys on the planet."

"Thank you Jules," Will said, plopping onto the bed next to Alicia so he could see Julia on screen.

"You should have told me he was listening Alicia," Julia laughed.

"He just came into the room," Alicia replied, smiling over at Will.

"Will, maybe you could teach this guy a thing or two," Julia joked, shifting her monitor slightly so that Josh, who had just entered their room, could be seen.

"Hey," Josh protested. "I can be just as romantic as Will."

Everyone laughed. "I know honey." Julia leaned over and kissed the top of Josh's head.

"Will, have you been watching the game?" Josh asked.

"Yes. My Cubs are crushing your team. And the Orioles will do the same next week," Will responded.

"It's only the seventh inning, and the game is close. My Mariners could still pull out a win."

The two men continued their sports talk for a few more minutes before Julia put an end to it. "Okay, you two go have your own chat. Alicia and I have more important things to discuss than sports!" She laughed. Alicia chuckled.

"I'll call you," Will said, holding up his phone.

Once the two men were gone, Julia continued. "I will never understand their obsession with sports," she said, rolling her eyes.

"Ah, I think it's good for them," Alicia replied.

"I know. They just get so caught up in it sometimes. Anyway, how was counseling today?"

"Good. We had an open discussion about intimacy, and some of our struggles in that area."

"And?"

"The doctor helped us talk through a few things, and gave us some homework. Some connection and intimacy exercises we can do together. Things that will help us communicate better, and continue to help me get to know Will again. He suggested we have weekly relationship meetings where we talk about our week, what we're feeling, and some of the things that went on during the week that we liked, or disliked. He suggested we both try to do little acts of kindness for each other, like leaving little notes for the other, giving a warm hug, or kiss, without any expectations."

"Those things could be helpful for any couple," Julia commented.

"Yes. As far as the intimacy goes, he recommended that we first talk about sex. He thought it would be helpful for Will to discuss with me the type of sexual relationship we used to have. And for both of us to talk about what our expectations are in the immediate scheme of things, and possibly where we would like things to be in the future. Basically to have an open conversation about our sexual relationship, that will allow the door to be opened for similar conversations in the future. Will and I had that discussion last night, and it was very helpful for me. It made for a safe environment where I could ask questions, and he able to answer honestly without any pressure.

The doctor also gave us a list of things we can do that would create a stronger, physical bond between us, without moving into sex. Things like cuddling for an extended period of time, and giving each other a back massage. He said doing things like that without the expectation of more afterwards, would help form a more comfortable physical relationship, and enable security and trust for both of us."

"That all sounds good Leesh," Julia responded. "I'm glad things are beginning to fall into place for you two."

The two women talked for a bit more before saying their goodbyes. Once again, Alicia was grateful for Julia's insight, and friendship.


	23. August Twenty-sixth

**A/N; A quick update! This is s short chapter. I was going to add it to the end of the last, but it didn't really fit with the theme of that chapter. Nor does it fit well into the next one. But it's pertinent to the timeline of the story.**

 **A few wondered in the last chapter if the pancake recipe existed. It doesn't, sorry. I pulled that one out of the writing hat. There's also been some speculation that this story may be close to its end because Will and Alicia are making some good progress. I assure you we are no where near the end. There are still some challenges, dramatic ones, in my opinion, that they have to face. Hopefully you'll all view this as good news.**

Will was still lying in bed, when Alicia entered the bedroom nearly ready for work. She sat on the edge of the bed next to him, placing her hand on his arm, stroking it soothingly.

"You feeling okay this morning my love?" she questioned. He so often got up at five-thirty to get in a morning run that it wasn't like him to still be in bed at seven on a work day.

"Yes," he sighed. He briefly thought about telling her the reason he had no motivation to get out of bed, and the thoughts that were running through his mind. But he knew that wouldn't do either one of them any good.

"I'm just tired. I better get up though. I have that deposition this morning." He sat up and looked at her briefly before placing a soft kiss to her forehead, and then moved to the bathroom to shower.

She wondered if he'd told her the truth. It sure looked like it had taken a lot of effort for him to move from the bed to the bathroom. _He works too hard sometimes_ , she thought. The following day would be Saturday. She'd suggest he take some time for himself and relax a bit.

As the day went on, she noticed how he continued to seem off. She'd sat in on his deposition, and he hadn't been very into it. She was used to him being quite alert during depositions, always offering his two cents or objections when he felt necessary. But today he'd left most of that to the associate who was working on the case with him. Aside from seeming tired, he'd been preoccupied for a chunk of the day. She'd gone into his office a couple of times to ask a question, and she'd had to say his name a few times before he acknowledged her. He'd apologized in these instances, and said he'd been engrossed in what he was reading.

She didn't get the sense that he was angry or upset at her, or anyone for that matter. But his mood did concern her some. She hoped he wasn't keeping something from her that was upsetting him, and his mood really was being caused by exhaustion.

She left the office around five to go home, make dinner, and help the kids with their homework. The new school year was in full swing now. On the way home she decided to change the dinner menu for the night to something she new he'd like.

He worked another hour after she left, and then sat in the leather chair in his office, staring out the window.

Not long after, Diane entered his office, and handed him a glass of scotch as she sat down across from him.

"Does Alicia know yet?" she asked.

He turned his gaze to her. "No." He knew exactly what she was asking. It was August twenty-sixth. The day Kate had died six years earlier. "I don't know why it's gotten to me so much this year," he said, then took of sip of his drink.

"Maybe because you've had a difficult year all the way around,"

He nodded in acknowledgement. "Alicia and I mutually decided there were things from our past that she didn't need to know about right now, and this was one of those things I mentally put on that list."

"That might be part of why it's been more difficult for you this year. You're used to sharing with Alicia a mutual acknowledgement of the events that took place that day, and drawing upon each other's strength. But today, even though you've long since moved on from that day, the burden of those memories lies solely on your shoulders right now. Go home. Spend the night with Alicia and the kids. It will make things easier."

He sighed, placing the glass of scotch aside, and stood. "Thanks for the drink Diane. I appreciate it."

"You're welcome. Now go home."

"I will. But I'm going to go to the grave site first."

Diane nodded, thinking that might not be the best idea, but didn't say anything as she exited his office.

Just before he drove away from the office, he sent Alicia a short text. He told her he'd be home in about an hour, and asked if she'd save him some dinner.

When he arrived at the cemetery, he walked slowly towards the headstone that sat above the tiny grave where his daughter lay. He crouched down in front of it, brushing away the dust and few dried leaves about the headstone. Then he placed the simple bouquet of flower's he'd picked up on his way, next to it.

He remained still for a few moments, staring at the name engraved on the stone. Katherine, after Alicia's grandmother, Lydia, after his own mother, Gardner. When Alicia had become pregnant, and it had been determined that they were having another girl, it hadn't taken long for he and Alicia to come up with the name. Afterwards, the whole family had begun to refer to her as Kate in the months before the birth. By doing so, it had almost made things more difficult after the birth. Kate had in many ways, already seemed like a member of the family that existed outside of Alicia's womb.

Will shifted and sat against the tree that was next to the grave site. He and Alicia had been elated during the pregnancy. They'd tried for months to get pregnant again and had almost given up on adding another person to their family. They felt like the baby would make their family complete. Things had been going very well for the firm, and it had seemed like life couldn't get any better during that time.

There were floods of memories running through his mind as he sat there, the sun getting lower in the distance. Not only had they lost Kate that day, six years earlier, but he'd almost lost Alicia as well. The thought of it still sent shutters through his body. One of their happiest periods of time together had become the most tragic in the matter of a few hours that day. At the time, Will had been terrified of losing her. When Alicia had finally woken back up, hours after the traumatic birth, the doctors admitted how lucky they had been because of all the blood Alicia had lost.

He shook his head at the memories. "I love your mom very much," he said quietly. "But the past six months have been so difficult. There's no reason for me to believe that I'll lose her, but I can't seem to shake off the fear of exactly that. We've basically had to start over, and that's been hard for me. It's been difficult for her to. I can't imagine what it's been like for her, nearly everyone she used to know being perfect strangers now - even me." He sighed, leaning his head back against the tree.

"Sometimes I don't understand it - her amnesia. I know it's not her fault. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. No matter how angry I was that night, I never should have let her leave the house in that weather. Ah, it's all in hindsight now. What I don't understand, is how she can remember so much of the law. You should see her at work. It's unbelievable really how quickly she's picked up on things, and the work she's been able to do. Yet, she can't remember a single thing about our relationship. Sometimes that's the hardest thing, knowing she may never remember any of it - any of what we had.

"We're reconnecting slowly, but I never thought we'd need counseling again after we went through it all those years ago. At the time, I couldn't imagine there ever being anything as difficult as your death, and her depression, that would lead us down the counseling road again. Despite all of that, this has opened my eyes to her again. Not that they were shut before. But I'm seeing her differently now, savoring our time together more. It's funny how the most difficult things, as frustrating as they are at times, only seem to make me love her more."

He looked back over to the headstone, feeling a little ridiculous. He'd just spent ten minutes spilling his thoughts out loud to no one really. It was hard for him to believe that Kate's ghost, or whatever it might be, had actually heard a word he'd uttered. He didn't necessarily believe there was anything after death. He hoped so, but wasn't convinced that was reality.

"I just need something, nothing big. Just something to let me know our past, our life together, is still living within her somewhere. It could be as simple as a look that tells me she knows what I'm thinking." He chuckled. "That used to drive Diane crazy when we first became partners. Your mom and I could agree on a decision about a case or the firm that Diane had brought up, without saying anything to the other. All we had to do was look at each other to know the others opinion. She and I had to agree to use words with Diane after that happened a few times."

He continued to stare at the headstone and in that moment, a thought crossed his mind. It was something that had happened just that morning. When Alicia had come to check on him in bed, she'd asked if he was feeling all right. But she'd added, "my love" at the end of her question. She wasn't one to use pet names often. But on the rare occasion when she did, my love, had been the term she'd always used. He smiled at the thought. Maybe the memories really were still in there somewhere, it was just going to take more time before they manifested themselves again, and in different ways than they were expecting.

In the back of his mind he wondered if Kate had brought that memory to his mind. He laughed lightly, shaking his head. _Crazy_ , he thought. _I need a good nights sleep._ However, he did have to acknowledge these thoughts had improved his mood. He decided it was time to go home. All he really wanted in that moment was to be near Alicia.

* * *

Alicia was in the kitchen cleaning off the counter top when he entered the house. She flashed a smile at him when he entered the room.

"Where are the kids?" he asked, moving closer to her.

"Upstairs playing a game."

He moved behind her wrapping one arm tightly around her waist. She turned to face him, and he caught her lips in a lingering kiss.

After they pulled apart, he moved his hand to her face brushing back the loose strands of hair behind her ear, and then softly pressed his forehead to hers. "I love you so much Leesh. I missed you after you left work," he said softly.

She wrapped her arms around his neck. "It's only been a few hours since we saw each other."

"A few hours was too long today." He pressed another soft kiss to her lips. "I have something for you." He released his grasp on her, bringing his other arm out from behind his back, and held up a bouquet of flowers for her.

"Thank you. They're beautiful. Is there some special occasion today that I should know about?" she asked, moving to get a vase from the cupboard.

"No. I just felt like bringing you something." He sat on the bar-stool in front of him and continued to watch her. He could sit and watch her all day, taking in her beauty. But tonight he watched her because he was grateful she was there, in their house, in their kitchen, with him. She seemed to pay no attention to his eyes that continued to follow her as she moved about the kitchen.

"Did you get everything done at work?" she asked, pulling a warm plate of food from the oven. She placed it on the counter, and added some fresh green salad to the plate, before placing it in front of him.

"I did," he replied, cutting into the poppy-seed chicken over brown rice on his plate.

"This looks great Leesh," he said, taking a bite of food into his mouth.

She sat on the stool next to him. "I think you should go do something to relax tomorrow. Go play pool with Kurt, hit some balls at the batting cages, something. You've worked too hard this week. You need a break."

He turned to look at her. Concern was etched across her features. He wasn't going to argue with her. It was a good idea. He could use a few hours of free time to clear his head. "Okay I will. It's a good idea."

Her serious expression relaxed some.

The rest of the evening he was more talkative than he had been all day. It seemed like he'd pulled out of whatever lull he'd been in earlier.

After he ate, Will suggested they have a Gardner family movie night. One like they used to, where they all snuggled together in Will and Alicia's bed, and had snacks. Will even managed to find Alicia's caramel popcorn recipe to make. The kids added marshmallows and M&M's to their popcorn.

"That's a lot of sugar you guys," Alicia commented, looking at Will who was stirring the caramel into him and Alicia's popcorn.

Will smiled. "It's okay. That's part of the tradition. They get to add a few things to theirs if they want. Although, I don't know how they eat it like that. It's too sweet for me."

Alicia nodded in agreement.

"It's better this way dad," Grace said, purposefully adding a few more marshmallows.

"So we've been told a thousand times," Will replied. "Now remember, if you make a mess with that in our bed,"

Zach cut in. "We know, we know. If we make a mess, we can't have food in your bed ever again." He rolled his eyes. Alicia couldn't help but laugh.

Half way through the movie, both the kids had fallen asleep. Zach lay next to Will. Grace was curled up next to Alicia, with her head resting in Alicia's lap.

Alicia had her head resting against Will's shoulder. "Should we take them to bed?" she asked, quietly.

"Not right now. I want to stay here snuggled up together for awhile longer." He wrapped his arm more tightly around her, and she settled more comfortably into his embrace. He was enjoying the closeness between him and Alicia at that moment. And having his whole family near him, made everything seem right in the world, even if only for a few hours.

 **A/N I know some of you are wondering what happened with Kate, and how she died. I will explain all of that in a future chapter.**


	24. A Long Weekend

It was Friday night, the beginning of the three day Labor Day weekend. The surprise birthday party Kurt had planned for Diane had seemed like the perfect way to start the weekend off on the right foot.

When Kurt had invited Will and Alicia to the party at a local art museum a few weeks earlier, Alicia hadn't thought much of it. Dinner and some dancing with a few colleagues and acquaintances of Diane sounded like an enjoyable night out.

Will had complemented her on the sleeveless dress she'd chosen, and seemed to like her hair pulled back. She wondered if the real reason he liked her hair up was that his lips would have easier access to her neck when they got home. Things had been going quite well between them in the past few weeks. She flushed at the thought as they arrived at the party.

Those thoughts were quickly pushed to the background when they entered the reserved area of the museum. There were more people at the party than either Will or Alicia had anticipated. Under normal circumstances this wouldn't have been an issue. However, the further and further they moved into the room, talking with different people, the more anxiety Alicia felt.

In situations like this where there were bound to be people Alicia wouldn't recognize, Will's handling of the situation had almost become second nature to him. He made sure he stayed close to her. Would point out different people in the crowed, and tell her their names and a few bits of helpful information. When people who Alicia had previously known approached them, Will would do most of the talking until Alicia felt comfortable enough to join in. Most of the time they could get away with not having to explain Alicia's amnesia. But one of the hazards of being the name partners of a top firm was that everyone at gatherings like this knew who they were. It became necessary a few times to explain the amnesia. This put the focus directly on Alicia for a few minutes, which she really disliked.

By the time they sat down for dinner, only thirty minutes after arriving, her head was spinning. It had become clear to her that she'd had dealings in the past with nearly everyone in the room. They all knew who she was, but she only knew who a handful of them were.

She and Will had come up with the code word "ozone" for situations like this, per Dr. Benson's suggestion. She knew she could use it to get Will to take her home if she really wanted to. But she wasn't willing to do that yet. She felt like the only way for her to become comfortable in these types of situations was to fight through it for as long as she could. And she wanted to be there to support Diane.

Her anxiety eased some during dinner. They were seated with Diane and Kurt, and a few other people she'd become acquainted with fairly well over the months. That didn't prevent her from sitting closer to Will than she normally would have.

They were all chatting after dinner, when Will pulled out the gift he and Alicia had brought for Diane.

"A little something for our partner," he said, handing Diane the neatly wrapped box across the table.

Everyone watched as Diane opened it. "I thought you said this was for Alicia," she said, lifting the bracelet from the box. It was the one he had shown her weeks earlier, claiming it was the gift he had planned to give Alicia on their first date.

He chuckled. "I wanted to make sure you would like it. So I showed you your gift instead of the one I bought for Alicia."

She looked right at him with raised brow and a smile across her lips. "So you did actually buy Alicia something? You didn't completely lie to me?"

He placed his arm around Alicia. "Yes. I also bought something for Alicia." He turned his gaze to Alicia. "Although, now it won't be much of a surprise when I give it to her on our anniversary in a few weeks."

Diane smiled, shaking her head. "Just for that I'm going to insist you come and share a dance with me." She stood and moved around the table to Will.

Will looked back at Alicia. "I'll be right back." He placed a soft kiss to her cheek before he moved to the dance floor with Diane.

Alicia had been watching Will, and hadn't noticed Kurt get up and come to stand next to her. He held out his hand to her. "What do you say?" he said, glancing in the direction of the crowd of people who had joined their spouses.

Alicia stood, taking his hand. "I'd love to."

Sometime later, Will and Alicia were dancing with each other. Her chin gently rested on his shoulder as they moved to the music together. It was only the third or fourth song they'd managed to dance together to because they'd continued to be interrupted by well meaning acquaintances throughout the evening.

She glanced around the room growing increasingly tired and anxious again as the song was ending. Noticing a couple headed in their direction, she decided it was time to leave.

"Will."

"Hmm."

"Ozone," she whispered near his ear, her hands grasping onto him more tightly.

He immediately pulled back a bit to look at her, nodding in understanding when he saw the look on her face. He took her hand as they went in search of Diane to say goodnight.

She was quiet during the drive home. "Are you doing better now?" He asked, reaching over to touch her hand.

She sighed, but managed a small smile. "Yes. I just didn't have it in me to talk to anyone else tonight, and I need some sleep. I can't believe how tired I got all of a sudden." She turned her gaze back out the passenger side window.

When they got home she went right to bed. When he climbed into bed next to her wrapping his arm securely around her, neither one had any idea the emotional turmoil she'd go through in the following few days.

Saturday morning he turned over in bed to look at her, the sound of thunder and pouring rain came from outside. She was sound asleep. He loved looking at her when she slept. Her dark hair, porcelain skin, and peaceful look across her sleeping features against the pillowcase took his breath away sometimes. He climbed out of bed with the intention of keeping the kids away, so she could continue to sleep for as long as she needed.

By late morning she still hadn't appeared, so Will went to check on her. Climbing back in bed next to her, he wrapped his arm around her. "Leesh, you awake?"

She stirred a little and grasped onto his hand. "Yes,"

"Are you okay? It's almost noon?"

"I'm tired. My head still hurts. I'm going to stay in bed."

"I'll bring you something for the headache."

He returned a few minutes later, and sat on the edge of the bed next to her handing her a pill along with a glass of water. She sat up to swallow the pill, and immediately laid back down pulling the covers up around her again.

"Call for me if you need anything," he said, running his hand soothingly along her arm. She nodded, and closed her eyes again.

Will continued to check on her throughout the day, asking if she needed anything, attempting to get more information from her about her seeming illness. Each time she'd barely responded to him, and had gently told him she wanted to be left alone so she could sleep more.

As night began to fall he became a little worried. She'd remained in bed all day, sleeping for the most part. She'd refused to eat. Not because her stomach was bothering her, but because she didn't feel like eating. She'd told him her headache had gone away in the early afternoon, and there had been no other indications that led him to believe she was ill.

The rain continued on Sunday, and so did Alicia's mood. By midday Will decided it was time to figure what was going on. She'd continued to claim she didn't feel well, but was unable, or unwilling, to list any other symptoms other than she was tired. He needed to know if they should be heading to the doctor's office, or if her exhaustion was just her body trying to fight off some illness she'd not yet come down with.

When he entered their room, she was curled up on the chaise near the window, a blanket wrapped tightly around her. Her gaze was towards the window. She didn't even acknowledge his presence when he entered the room. He sat down next to her, placing his hand on the blanket over her leg.

He didn't say anything for a few moments, but sat and watched her. His heart sank a bit at the familiarity of the blank, distant look in her features. The same look that had become all too familiar in the weeks after Kate died. He wondered how she'd been able to hide it so well in those few months before her accident now that he knew how much she'd been struggling during that time.

He'd noticed the same look in her the previous day, but mostly out of fear that she was going to go through a bad phase of depression again, he'd not allowed himself to think about it.

"Leesh, what's wrong?" he said, softly. She didn't say anything, so he continued. "Please don't shut me out. Whatever the problem is we can work it out, but I need you to talk to me." He lifted his hand to her face, gently placing it against her cheek.

She reached up through the blanket and took his hand into hers. "I'm not shutting you out," she said, without turning to look at him.

"Do you know what today is?" she questioned.

He furrowed his brow. "Sunday."

"It's September fourth. It's been six months Will."

"I don't understand," he admitted.

She turned her gaze towards him. "Today marks six months since the accident, and it's been four months since any of my past memories have come back." Her features saddened. "The doctor's said that whatever memories I had regained a year and a half after the accident would most likely be the only ones I'd get back. And that the chances of more returning after that were slim. The past twenty-five years of my life are just a blank empty space in my mind. What if I don't ever remember any more of it?" she said, almost desperately, as tears began to stream down her face. "What if it's just gone forever?"

He looked right into her eyes as his hand moved along her arm soothingly. "I don't think the memories are gone forever. It's just taking your mind longer to heal than we expected."

"What if that's just false hope? The illusion of what we've been living under for months now. We go on, day in and day out, living this life on the presumptions that it's temporary. And even though we're building our relationship, and continuing on as a family, there's always been that voice in the back of my mind telling me that one day I'd wake up and it would all come back to me. Things would be easier. There wouldn't be anymore guessing, or self evaluating several times a day."

More tears fell from her eyes. "I wouldn't go to parties, and back to school nights, and feel completely out of place. My anxiety level wouldn't shoot through the roof in those instances. You wouldn't have to whisper in my ear before anyone approached us because I'd remember who people were and know what to say to them."

His heart was aching for her, for both of them. He wanted to tell her it would be okay, and that her memories would come back. But he felt that would be a lie. "Is that what brought this on, the party the other night?"

"I don't know. I hate this Will. Do you know how difficult it was for me to be at that party? I'd been looking forward to it. But once we were there, I wanted to leave long before we did. The only part I was really able to enjoy was when we were dancing together. At least then I knew there was less chance of someone I didn't recognize coming up and wanting to talk."

She pulled her legs in and wrapped her arms around them. "I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I don't know if I can live the rest of my life like this. I'm frustrated, and scared to death that this is how it's going to be - forever." More tears poured from her eyes. "Make it go away. Please...just make it go away."

He did the only thing he could in that moment. He pulled her close embracing her as she crumpled into him, and let her cry.

Sometime later when her tears had subsided, he still held her in his arms. "Leesh, if there were something I could do to make this go away, believe me I would. Why didn't you say "ozone" sooner, if you were having such a difficult time? That's what it's for. We could have come home earlier. Diane would have understood."

"I don't want this to beat me. I want to be able to go to parties, or whatever else, and feel comfortable and enjoy myself. The only way to do that is to fight through the anxiety, and awkwardness in those situations. Eventually I'll recognize most people I'm supposed to again. But it's just so hard sometimes. It's draining, and the past few days, I just haven't had the energy to deal with any of it. It's been easier to sleep, and not think about it."

He understood, but that didn't lessen his concern over her current state. "Are you happy with the way our life is…minus the obvious struggles?" It took a few moments for her respond, which only worried him more.

"Yes, for the most part. It's not that I don't like our life. I do. It's just that I feel such a loss, so empty sometimes not being able to remember things like graduating from college, getting married, giving birth to our children, or the events that took place to give us those children."

She looked up into his eyes. "I want to know what it felt like to get the job I'd truly wanted, and make partnership. I want to know what it felt like to walk down the isle. Was I nervous, excited? What's it like to be pregnant, give birth, and hold a newborn right after they've entered the world? Sheer frustration filled her at that moment. "What about Zach and Grace? I don't remember anything from when they were young. What happens when they're older and they want to know what they were like when they were five years old? I won't be able to tell them. I'm their mother! I'm supposed to know those things."

She bit her lip, in an attempt to hold back the tears. "One of the most difficult things of all has been not remembering us, just you and me. All the things we've shared, all the things we've been through together." She took his hands into hers. "I have been happy. But I feel so frustrated right now, so lost, and conflicted."

"I can see why you would think that you haven't remembered anything, but I don't agree with that. The specific memories may not be there, but look at all you've been able to do at work. And bringing me breakfast in bed a few weeks ago was something we always did when the kids were away over the weekend." A loving smile crossed his lips. "And just last week you called me, _my love_. That's the only pet name you've ever called me by.

I don't think all the memories are gone. I think your mind is trying to get those memories back to a place where your brain will be able to recognize them again. Screw the doctor's and the statistics. Your case is so rare. There have never been more than a handful of people with amnesia as severe as yours to even begin to get a decent sample of how many memories may or may not come back."

"You really think so?" she asked doubtfully.

"Yes, I really think so."

She settled more comfortably into his arms, feeling slightly better. They both sat quietly for a few minutes staring out the window at the pouring rain.

"I can't even begin to imagine what this is like for you. But no matter the outcome, no matter what memories you do or don't get back, I do think it will get easier over time. I can't tell you exactly how you felt in the scenarios you mentioned, but I can give you my perspective. That won't be the same as experiencing it yourself, but I'm willing to tell you whatever you want to know from our past. You just have to ask. And I'll try to do a better job of mentioning things from the past when they come to mind."

"Okay." She shifted so she could lie against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her more securely. It was comforting to be held in his embrace. She felt safe, despite the turmoil running her mind.

"Do you want me to cancel the barbeque tomorrow night?" he asked. Every year on Labor Day he and Alicia held a small barbeque, and invited a few neighbors, Kurt and Diane, and any family that happened to be around.

"No. The kids have been talking about it all week. Owen promised them an, "epic water fight" they told me. And I know everyone that's coming."

"Hopefully the rain lets up by then," Will added. "Why don't you come downstairs for awhile? A change of scenery might be good for you."

"No. It was good for me to talk, but I need some more time to think, and figure things out in my own mind. I'm sorry I haven't been at all helpful the past few days."

He wasn't convinced that her remaining isolated was a good idea, but he felt like giving her a little more time would be fair. "It's okay. The kids have been busy with their friends, and I've managed just fine."

He sat with her for awhile longer before going to mediate an argument the kids had gotten into.

The following morning, Alicia remained in bed once again, but assured Will she'd help him with the barbecue prep in the afternoon. She was having difficulty finding motivation to pull her self out of bed, but after nearly three days of little activity she knew she had to force herself to do something. She couldn't keep ignoring life, or Will, or the kids, forever.

However, Will was still concerned so he called Dr. Benson. He was worried that Alicia wouldn't pull out of this depressed state as easily as she thought she would.

After telling the doctor what had been going on, he asked the questions that were really on his mind. "I just need to know what to do if she continues to refuse to come out of our room. She's hardly eaten anything. She's been asleep more than awake in the past few days. It seems like she's lost her motivation to do anything. At what point do I really need to start worrying?"

"I'm a bit concerned considering her history. But she really may just need a few days to cope with things. Time to allow her mind to work through some of the things she's struggling with. It sounds like she is planning on being present at the barbeque. If she changes her mind, and is still this way tomorrow morning, then call me. We may have to take measures at that point."

The two men chatted for a few more minutes before hanging up.

The sun had finally come out in the early afternoon, which helped improve Alicia's mood. Will had gone to the market for some groceries. Owen was at the house filling water balloons with the kids, when Alicia finally made her way downstairs still dressed in her pajamas.

She talked with the kids and Owen for a few minutes, and unloaded the dishwasher. She was stirring her coffee when Veronica arrived. She'd been back in town for a week, and had some things she wanted to show the kids before the barbeque.

After placing her things on the counter, and saying hello to the kids, Veronica turned and looked at Alicia.

"Alicia, why aren't you dressed? It's one in the afternoon."

Alicia took a sip of her coffee, even more grateful now she'd made it. She'd need all the caffeine she could get today. "Because I just got up awhile ago and haven't showered yet."

"What do you mean you just got up? Are you sick?"

"Mom's been in bed sick for three days," Grace said, before Alicia could respond.

"Yes, but I'm feeling better now," she replied.

"Sick with what?" Veronica wasn't going to let it go, which only irritated Alicia.

"Nothing. Headaches, exhaustion. I'm fine now." She leaned against the counter taking in more coffee.

Just then Will entered the kitchen with bags of groceries in his hands. After setting them down he moved to Alicia and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"I don't understand Alicia. Headaches shouldn't keep you in bed for three days. One maybe, but not three. What's really going on?" She turned her attention to Will. "Is she depressed?"

"No. She just needed a few days to rest. She's been putting in too much time at the office the past few weeks." Will wasn't about to get into with Veronica. Alicia was grateful for his little white lie.

"Is that the truth, or are you covering for her like last time?"

Alicia was growing agitated partially because she had no idea what they were talking about, and they seemed to be ignoring the fact that she was standing right there.

Will inhaled deeply ready to respond, but Owen cut in. "Mom, you know that isn't fair."

"You're right, I'm sorry Will. But I'm not going to stand around and let her suffer like she did the last time. If she's depressed we need to get her some help now."

"Stop!" Alicia said, agitated. "I am standing right here. I don't know what this all about, and I don't know that I care right now. I'm fine mom, so let's just drop it." She set her coffee down, and moved next to Will to help unload the groceries. However the tension in the room remained.

"Fine, we'll drop it. But you can't blame me for being worried about you." Veronica added.

Alicia let out a spiteful laugh, and looked right at her mother. "You're worried about me? Please mom, explain to me what has brought on this "deep concern" because it's not like you at all."

Owen decided it was time to get the kids out of the room, and took them outside. Will stopped what he was doing, but didn't say anything.

Veronica continued. "Of course it's like me. I'm your mother Alicia. That's what mother's do, worry about their children, even when they're adults."

Alicia was angry now. "Where was all this worry and concern when I was younger, when I really needed it? Where were you then?"

"What do you mean where was I? I was working, and at home with you and Owen."

Alicia lifted a finger to her. "No. No you weren't. A year before you and dad split up, you came home after work, but you weren't really there. You were only half interested in what Owen and I were doing, and Dad was the one who helped me with my homework when I needed it at ten pm when he finally came home from work."

She put her hands on her hips. "And then you two split up, and Owen and I only saw him on the weekends. You were more interested in the men you brought home than you were in either of us. I made dinner most nights. I helped Owen with his homework. When I was fifteen I was the one who sat in the school office with Owen after he punched a kid after school, waiting for dad to come because they couldn't get a hold of you. There were a million other times when I had to take care of Owen because you were no where to be found."

She exhaled deeply in a vain attempt to calm her tone before going on. "And where were you? The same place you've been for the past six weeks, indulging your own interests, when I - once again - could have used your support."

She bit her lower lip and shook her head. Her emotions were all over the place. She felt like crying and yelling all at the same time. She turned and headed towards the family room.

"Alicia, I did the best I could," Veronica said, following her.

Alicia stopped walking, turning to face her again. "Well it wasn't good enough. I needed you then," she said bitterly. "I need you now. What part of the fact that I can only remember the first sixteen years of my life don't you understand? I'm angry about a lot of things from my childhood. But you were the only person I recognized six months ago. Did it ever occur to you that it might be helpful, comforting, to have the one person I recognized, and knew, to call me more than once every two weeks? That maybe it would be helpful to have you around some. That during those first few months you could have provided stability and reassurance that I didn't have?" She folded her arms across her chest. "Instead, you abandoned me again."

Watching this exchange was interesting to Will. He knew how Alicia had always felt about those difficult years in her youth, but she'd never confronted Veronica about it.

"Alicia, I didn't abandon you. I wasn't the best mother back then, but that doesn't mean I don't care. That doesn't mean that after hearing you spent the last three days in bed, I'm not worried the same thing that happened to you after Kate died, is happening again."

Will had been pacing slowly at the far end watching the exchange. But at the mention of Kate he grew nervous. "Veronica," he interrupted, sternly.

She turned and looked at him. "What darling?"

"Let's leave...that situation out of this."

Veronica continued to look at him confused. "Why? Her depression after Kate died is completely relevant to what I'm trying to explain to her. It's not as if she doesn't know. It would be ridiculous to keep something like that from her."

He sighed, folding his arms across his chest leaning against the side of the sofa. His eyes moved from Veronica to Alicia. "She doesn't know."

"What do you mean she doesn't know?" Veronica said, in disbelief. "Didn't you think that of all of the things to mention from her past that might be an important one? You don't have the right to keep something like that from her."

His eyes remained on Alicia, whose whole body was flooded with emotions at this point. "I do have the right. She and I decided there were things from our past that she didn't need know about for now. That was one of them." He was doing his best to keep his cool, but it was growing increasingly difficult.

"What else have you _decided_ to keep from her?"

Alicia's anger was at a peak. She glared at Will. "You and I clearly need to discuss whatever the hell you two are talking about."

She immediately turned back to Veronica. "But I'm not finished with you yet! Leave Will out of this. I will not have you treat him the same way you treated Dad, blaming him for everything that went wrong. Why did you leave him anyway?"

"It was a mutual decision Alicia."

"I don't believe you. I may have only been fourteen when you divorced, but I saw the way dad treated you. He adored you. And up until that last year before the divorce when he'd given up, and started working late, he provided you a good life. It seemed to me that he would have done anything for you. He loved you. After you divorced, he told me he tried to make things work for two years, but it seemed like you had fallen out of love with him. No matter what he tried to do, nothing worked. How could you not love him back?"

"Alicia, I did love your father. You were too young to understand all of our reasons back then."

"I was too young to understand your reasons, but old enough to take care of Owen?" She shook her head in disbelief. "I can't do this anymore. You are welcome to stay because I think it's good for the kids to spend time with their grandmother. But we are not discussing this or my mood anymore." She turned and headed towards the stairs. Will followed right after her.

When she reached their room, she went into the bathroom locking the door behind her. She couldn't hold in the tears any longer. She'd held all those feelings and anger towards her mother for years, but she couldn't any longer. She leaned against the wall for support as a torrent of tears sprang from her eyes. She slid to the floor wrapping her arms around her knees burying her head in between them

Will immediately tried the knob to the door when he heard her crying. Finding it locked, he sighed pressing his head against the door. This above all else was one of the most difficult things for him. Listening to her cry, and not being able, or allowed to be near to comfort her as best he could. In the past, she would sometimes shut her self up in the bathroom when she needed some space or was really stressed, or upset over something out of her control, but didn't necessarily need Will's immediate support. In these instances he understood her emotions hadn't been brought on because of something he'd done, and he respected her need for space. But hearing her cry always immediately led to him feeling a strong desire to hold her and fix whatever the problem was as quickly as he could.

A few minutes later, once her sobs had ceased, he knocked on the door. "Alicia." When she didn't respond he tried again. "Alicia, talk to me."

After no response, he turned around and sank to the floor leaning against the door frame. "I understand you're upset. When you're ready to talk, I'll be right here."

A few minutes later when she felt like she had her emotions under control again, she reached up and opened the door a crack. It was enough that they could see each other.

She spoke first. "I realize we agreed there were things you should wait to tell me. But I don't like being talked about as though I'm not even in the same room, and feeling like I've been completely left in the dark."

"I know. I'm sorry. This was not the way I intended for these topics to come up."

"I know. I'm not blaming you. But that doesn't make me any less angry or upset at her or the circumstances."

She looked up at the ceiling wiping at the tear remnants across her face. "I swear if you tell me she and I have had that argument before, I don't know what I'm going to do."

He chuckled. "You haven't, at least not to my knowledge. I think it was good to get all of it out in the open. You've been holding that in for years."

She nodded, and scooted across the floor to sit next to him. He wrapped his arm around her. "Will, I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"After my parents' divorced, the one thing I vowed never to do was act like her if I got married, but that's exactly what I've done the past six months. You've been nothing but good to me…done nothing but show me how much you love me, and I failed to reciprocate much of that. I feel like an awful mother. I've completely ignored the kids for three days. That's exactly what she used to do to me and Owen, and it made me so angry. I don't want you or them to resent me."

He would have done anything he could in that moment to be able to take away half of the anguish he saw in her. "None of that's true. We don't resent you. You're a wonderful mother. I don't think you've shown the kids anything but strength and perseverance in the past six months." He placed a gentle finger to her chin so she'd look at him. "I couldn't ask for a better wife. You've had a rough couple of days. You're hurting right now and its blurring your perspective."

"I'm just so angry and frustrated right now Will," she whispered.

The past few days had been emotional for him as well, even though he'd shown nothing but strength on the outside. It was difficult for him to watch her struggle, and he was worried her depression might be coming back. "I understand. But I honestly believe it will all be okay. Maybe not today, maybe not this week, but at some point it will all work out."

She exhaled, leaning against his shoulder. They sat quietly for a few minutes before she spoke up again. She wasn't certain if she really wanted to know what sounded like some of the ugly truth from their past, but she felt like she couldn't put it off any longer.

"Will," she said, softly, looking up at him. "Who is Kate?"

His eyes immediately moved from her to their intertwined hands. His expression saddened more so than she could ever remember him looking. "Kate was our daughter."

She looked away, a dreadful sinking feeling hit her stomach as Will continued.

"You got pregnant when Grace was three." He stared straight ahead towards the window. Alicia looked back over to him. She could hear the emotion in his voice. Almost see the struggle that was running through his mind. "You carried the baby full term. But there were - complications - when you went into labor. She was stillborn. The doctors couldn't revive her."

His eyes began to water, and even though she had no attachment to this child, her heart ached for him. She could sense the deep sadness within him. It deeply saddened her to see him like this. She felt worse because she couldn't remember anything about the event he was describing, yet it would have been such a deeply devastating time they would have shared. She pulled out of his embrace and pulled him into a hug, allowing his head to rest on her shoulder.

A few moments later, he took a few deep breaths to regain control of his emotions, and wrapped his arm around again. "We both struggled after it happened, but it hit you pretty hard. In the first six weeks after she died we thought your depressive mood was due to your hormones and grief, but things just got worse. In the next few weeks you withdrew from everything, and everyone. I couldn't understand how anyone could sleep as much you did."

He looked up at the ceiling in an attempt to hold in his own tears, but failed as a few escaped his eyes. He squeezed her hand tightly, his thumbs running over them nervously. "After you refused to get out of bed for a few days, I made an appointment to see a doctor. The morning of the appointment I brought you some coffee to help wake you up."

His gaze fell on the bed. "When I tried to get you to drink some of it, you refused. You told me that you didn't want to live anymore. That it had been your fault Kate had died, and you didn't think you deserved to live."

His gaze moved back to her. She didn't know what to say the shock of all of this was extreme, but she reached her free hand and placed over his.

"I blamed myself. I thought maybe I'd said something without realizing it that had made you believe it had been your fault. Or maybe I'd not paid enough attention to you because I'd been grieving, and trying to take care of the kids, and work a few measly hours a week. But it wasn't anyone's fault. And that was one of the hardest things to deal with. There was no one to blame for her death, or you postpartum depression."

"You took care of all of us. That must have been really difficult." She squeezed his hands.

He nodded. "There have only been a few times in my life where I've been truly terrified. The day you told me you didn't want to live anymore was one of them. When we got home from seeing the doctors that day, you came up here to take a bath. You took some of anti-depressants you'd been prescribed before getting in. You were barely breathing when I came to check on you.

"I tried to overdose?" she asked, horrified.

"No. You had a severe allergic reaction to the medication. After the paramedics arrived you stopped breathing, and they had to revive you before they took you to the hospital. Diane happened to be here discussing some cases with me when it happened. If she hadn't' been here to help keep me calm..." He shook his head.

"I almost died?"

"Yes."

"Were the kids here?" The idea that they had seen their own mother carried out of the house on a stretcher made her feel sick.

"No. Luckily Abbey had taken them to the park."

She looked down, allowing all of this to sink in. She stood to move around a bit while she processed all of it. "All of that is the reason we saw Dr. Benson back then? And the reason Mom is worried I'm getting depressed again?" It was all beginning to make sense in her mind.

He stood next to her, placing his hands around her waist. "Yes. And she isn't the only the one who's worried. If the past few days really have just been a chance for you to sort through things, I understand that. But if it continues, if your mood continues to prevent you from leaving our room during the day, we may need to evaluate what's really going on. You're susceptible to depression. And I don't want you to suffer like you did all those years ago."

They stared into each others eyes for a few moments. "That's a lot to take in Will."

He pulled her close so her head rested against his chest. "I know. Maybe I shouldn't have gone into it so deeply. But you need to understand why some of us are a little worried. Why I've been worried the past few days." He held onto her more tightly.

A few moments later she pulled back a bit, and looked up at him. "I'm okay Will. It will take some time for all of this to really sink in. I can see how my behavior over the past few days would be cause for concern, and I'm so sorry. This must be so difficult for you. I just needed time to work things out in my own mind. I needed a few days to feel sorry for myself. I am frustrated and a little angry over my memory, and at Mom. But I love being here with you and the kids. Honestly, as awful as hearing about all of this is, it makes me feel a stronger connection to you. It's real honest emotion, not that you've held back, but it's allowed me to see a different side of you."

She leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "I know we thought that keeping some things from me was better for all of us. That may have been true awhile ago. But I don't think that's the best idea anymore. I want to know everything. I think it's better for me to know about our life, the good and the bad. Knowing some of these things will give me a better perspective and more insight. It will help me understand how we handled difficult situations, and managed to stay together. I don't think it will tear us apart. I think it will bring us closer together."

He pressed his temple to hers, a gentle smile across his lips. "I think you might be right." He exhaled in relief as though a huge burden had been lifted from his shoulders. He pulled her closer, and kissed her again. She wrapped her arms around his neck, the kiss lingering a bit longer.

After pulling apart she looked up at him, their bodies still pressed together, her arms around his neck. "Are you okay?" she asked, with genuine concern. She knew sharing some of those memories would not have been easy.

He smiled down at her. "Yes. It's a relief for me to have you know. I won't have to worry that someone will say something about it accidentally. I can tell the kids you know now, and they won't have to be careful anymore either."

She smiled back at him as a knock came to the door. "Mom, Dad, are you guys coming down soon? Owen needs dad to help him with something in the back yard." It was Zach.

"I'll be down in a minute," Will responded.

"We can talk later. We have a party to get ready for," she gave him one last kiss on the cheek before heading to the bathroom to shower. He exhaled in relief, running his hands through his hair as he headed downstairs.


	25. Delving Into the Past

**A/N; I am very sorry for the long wait on this chapter. I was really ill last week, and didn't get much writing done. Thank you all for reading, and sharing your thoughts. I very much appreciate it!**

Will and Alicia were sharing an oversized lounge chair enjoying the evening air and a few minutes alone together. They were discussing the highlights of the barbecue, and laughing over the result of the water fight between Grace Zach and a few of their friends, against Owen.

"Owen took his drenching from the kids well," Alicia commented.

"Thank you for ending it right before Owen tried to use me as a shield, even if it didn't make the kids too happy."

"No problem. I think the other adults were glad it ended before any of them got wet."

"Yes. Although, at one point it looked like Kurt was giving some thought to loading up one of the water guns himself to help Owen out." They both chuckled.

Veronica and Alicia had managed to remain civil despite their earlier argument. Alicia was somewhat surprised at the attention and care Veronica seemed to give to Zach and Grace. She'd even volunteered to make sure the kids had actually gone to bed twenty minutes after Will had finally ended their fun for the night - an hour after their usual bedtime.

"Mom's been up there with the kids for awhile now," Alicia said, glancing at her watch.

"We should have sent them to bed earlier," Will said. "They'll be awfully grumpy in the morning when they have to get up for school."

"What do you suppose she's doing up there with them? All she had to do was make sure they actually went to bed," Alicia commented.

Will chuckled. "She's probably being deceived by the two people in this house who never seem to get tired."

Alicia laughed relaxing next to him. "One of us should probably go rescue her, but that would involve getting up from here."

"I'm sure she's fine," Will responded, leaning back and closing his eyes. They sat in silence for a few moments before he spoke up again. "I haven't had a chance to tell you that my mom called yesterday. She wants to come out in a few weeks for a visit, and spend some time with the kids. She offered to stay with them if we wanted to go somewhere for our anniversary."

"That was sweet of her. Where would we go?"

"I thought maybe you could come with me to D.C. for the Nelson depos. We can spend three days in D.C. for the case, and visit the Georgetown campus. Maybe being there would spark some memories for you. Then we could spend a few days in Virginia for our anniversary. It would be nice to have some time to spend alone together."

"It's a good idea. But wouldn't that defeat the purpose of spending time with you mother? And I don't want to drop the kids on her for a nearly a week." She glanced up at him.

"We would have some time to spend with her. She'd fly in the Friday before we leave. We'd have the whole weekend with her. And trust me she'd like nothing more than to play her role as Grandmother with the kids for a few days. Grandmothers like to spoil their grandchildren, especially when they don't get to see those grandchildren very often. Don't be surprised if the kids seem sadder to see her go home than they'll be to see us leave."

Alicia giggled as Will leaned in close pressing his lips to her neck just below her ear. She turned to face him. "If you don't think she'd mind. I think I'd like to spend a few days alone with you." Caught up in the moment, she pressed her lips to his. The kiss became more passionate until suddenly the sound of the back door opening caused them to pull apart.

"Don't stop on my account," Veronica said, with an amused smile. "I just came to say goodnight." She sat on the chair next to them.

"Thank you for checking on the kids," Alicia said, grasping Will's hand.

Veronica nodded, as she placed her hand on Alicia's outstretched leg. The sudden show of affection made Alicia tense up a bit.

"Darling, I know you don't want to talk about earlier. And I won't tonight, but I'd like for us to get together this week so that I can explain a few things to you."

Alicia bit her lower lip. "Mom, I don't know what else there is to discuss."

Veronica looked away, suddenly seeming very vulnerable which was a bit of a surprise to Alicia. "I think it's time for you to know the truth about a few things. About some of the reasons I acted the way I did back then." She looked back at Alicia.

Alicia gave some thought to saying no. She was still upset about what had happened earlier in the day. But instead she nodded in agreement. "I'll look at my schedule this week and call you, okay?"

"Okay that's all I ask." She looked as though she wanted to say more. Instead she gave Alicia's leg a little squeeze and stood to leave. "Goodnight," she said.

"Goodnight Veronica," Will responded.

"What do you suppose that was all about?" Alicia asked, after Veronica had gone back into the house. Alicia was puzzled by Veronica's tone and brief show of affection just moments before.

"Maybe she just wants to make things better between you two," Will replied.

"Yeah, maybe," Alicia said, quietly.

They sat in silence once again enjoying their quiet time together. She held his hand in hers and began running her finger over his wedding ring. "Since our anniversary is in a few weeks, why don't you tell me how we typically celebrate." She was curious, and also needed a distraction from thinking about her mother.

A gentle smile crossed his lips. "Typically we try to get away for a long weekend together. On occasion, we've taken as much as a week to go somewhere. It just depends on the year, and our schedules." He ran his thumb over her fingers.

"What did we do for our first anniversary?" she asked, curling up closer to him.

"We went to Cape Cod for a few days, to relax, get away from the city and work. We stayed at this old inn that had been renovated and turned into a resort. It sat right near the oceans edge. It was a much needed break for both of us. We slept, ate good food, got massages, and spent a majority of our time in our private cabana on the beach. Since it was later in September we practically had the place to ourselves." He chuckled. "We did go out sailing one day. Our guide let me have a try at it...I was terrible." He pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head. "You, however, seemed to have a knack for it."

"It sounds wonderful," she said, closing her eyes trying to imagine it.

"It was," he said quietly, resting his head against hers. "I know there are photos we took that weekend in an album somewhere."

"I've probably seen them, just didn't know what they were."

He closed his eyes and held her there for a few minutes enjoying the silence and thinking about that long weekend. He thought about how they had felt like they were in their own little world while they were there, her walking around in her bathing suit and sarong all weekend, except for the numerous times they'd made love to each other over those four days.

"Are you ready to go in?" she asked, a few minutes later.

"No, wait here. I just had a thought." He stood and entered the house, heading for the basement. He returned a few minutes later with a plastic storage container the size of a file box in his arms. He set it down on the ottoman in front of her.

"I remembered something I think might be helpful for you." He removed the lid so she could see the contents. She lifted one of the books out. "These are the journals you've kept over the years. They probably contain many of your thoughts on different things throughout our relationship, and before. I'm happy to tell you anything you want to know, but this would be your own perspective." He'd put the journal he'd found in her suitcase after the accident in this container all those months ago, partially to prevent it from being a temptation for him.

"I'm surprised," she commented, lifting one of the bound books from the container. "I don't remember having any interest in journaling when I was younger." She began thumbing through the pages of the one she'd pulled out.

"You didn't have any interest in it until you went to France after your freshman year of college. You told me you started writing down the things you'd done there so that you'd be able to remember the places you liked the most when you went back someday. You've kept up the writing on and off since then."

She looked up at him. "And did I ever go back?"

"No. We planned on going a few years ago, but it never materialized. Between work, and the kids, it just wasn't the right time for us to leave the country for two weeks."

She nodded. "I should probably start at the beginning." She noticed the date in the book she held was only ten years prior.

"I agree."

She placed the journal back in the container. "Let's go inside. I'd rather read in there with some better light. She leaned forward cupping his face in her hands. "Thank you for thinking of this," she said, before pressing her lips to his.

Not long after, they were both sitting comfortably in bed. He was flipping through the sports channels, and she was engrossed in reading the first journal. Periodically he'd glance at her when she'd chuckle at something. He was glad she was enjoying her reading. Soon he flipped off the television and placed his hand on her leg.

"Leesh,"

She glanced up at him over the rim of her glasses as he took one of her hands into his. She placed the book in her lap when she saw the concerned look on his face.

"When we moved in together all those years ago, you made me promise I would never read anything you wrote in those journals. And I have kept that promise. But I know that sometimes you wrote on those pages as a way to vent your frustrations with me. I can't imagine that you've always colored me in the best of light at times during our relationship." He smiled. "I am not perfect, and we have had some pretty intense disagreements over the years. Just promise me that as you read through these you'll give me the opportunity to defend myself, or at least offer up more context to the situations."

It wasn't that he was concerned with what had happened between them two, five, or even ten years prior. What really concerned him was what had happened between them before the accident, and that their issues then hadn't really been resolved. It was her accident and the circumstances that occurred after that, that had set aside many of those issues. He'd done his best to forgive her in recent months - successfully he liked to think. But once she knew about those circumstances would she question everything that had gone on between them since the accident? Would she question his motives in rebuilding their relationship if she knew they'd been so close to non-reconciliation? And when she knew the real reason she was out in the snow storm that night, would she blame him for her amnesia? He couldn't blame her if she did, he still felt responsible for it.

She looked at him with a gentle smile filled with compassion. She knew all too well what it was like to be the one who was worried. "You've already warned me that we've had periods of discord. I'm going at this with an open mind. And honestly I'm excited, but a little nervous to read through all of this. It's a little strange to read this, know that I'm the one who had these experiences, but not be able to remember any of them. It's more like reading the autobiography of a complete stranger." She shifted to be closer to him. "I may have asked you to promise me you'd never read what I'd written. And I appreciate the fact that you've always respected those wishes. But I think I'd like to share some of it with you now. We can rediscover some of those moments together."

"I'd like that," he commented.

She put her hand to his cheek and kissed him.

He held her gaze once they pulled apart. "You seem to be doing better than you were earlier today," he said softly. He reached his hand to her face brushing back a few stray strands of her hair.

"I am," she responded quietly, continuing to gaze into his eyes. She gave his hand a little squeeze. "Thank you for being here for me this weekend."

"You're welcome," he replied, softly before leaning in to kiss her again. A few moments later they pulled apart. "We should get some sleep," he said, as he turned out the lights.

"Goodnight Will," she said, curling up under the sheets next to him.

"Goodnight Leesh."

* * *

The following weekend Alicia was getting ready to go to Veronica's for their discussion. She felt a great sense of unease about the whole situation, and was admittedly skeptical. She'd thought about what Will had said about Veronica wanting to make things better between them. Alicia was willing to try, but that would involve both of them making some changes. She'd have to let go of some of the resentment and anger she felt towards her mother.

Will came up behind her in the kitchen wrapping his arms around her waist as she finished sending Veronica a message saying she was on her way. She would have liked to have stayed right there in his warm embrace. It was comfortable, familiar – safe. Even better she'd like for him to come with her, but Veronica had specifically asked that Will not come along. Alicia had told her she wouldn't keep any secrets from Will, that it wasn't healthy for any relationship to keep secrets. Veronica had responded by telling her she didn't have any secrets she wanted Alicia to keep from Will. It would just be easier if she could talk with Alicia one on one.

"Take as long as you need," Will said, as Alicia turned in his arms to look at him.

She smiled up at him. "I'll be back before dinner," she replied, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. They pulled apart and her eyes and hands wondered to his chest. She didn't really want to leave.

"It's going to be fine Alicia," he said softy, sensing her hesitation in leaving.

She took in a deep breath, and looked back up at him. "I know. I don't know why I feel so uneasy. She's my mother."

"Yes, but you two are in a difficult place right now. And you both have some tough issues to work through." He leaned in and kissed the top of her head. "I was thinking it might be fun to watch a movie together tonight," he said, looking back into her eyes.

"Yeah, that sounds great." She smiled as she pulled away from him feeling a little less nervous.

"Good, then it's a date," he said, with a grin.

She laughed lightly. "It's a date. I'll see you later." She grabbed her purse and headed for the door.

"Leesh," he called after her.

She turned and looked at him.

"I love you."

She smiled and nodded. "I know, thank you," she responded gently.

When she arrived at Veronica's she set her purse down on the coffee table while Veronica went to grab some drinks from the kitchen. She returned with a bottle of wine and two glasses.

"Mom, it's too early to start drinking."

"I know, but you've just got to try this. I brought it back from Bordeaux. It's some of the best wine you'll ever taste." She sat next to Alicia, and poured each of them a glass.

Alicia didn't argue. After reading through her journal during the week about her trip to France, she was eager to try some French wine. "How was your trip with Bill? Was it as good as you were hoping?" She took of sip of the wine.

"Oh yes darling. It was wonderful. We started out in the French Riviera." Veronica continued to talk about her trip for a few minutes.

Once Veronica had finished, the two women sat in uncomfortable silence. Clearly both she and her mother were avoiding the real reason for Alicia's visit.

Alicia set her wine glass down, and cleared her throat. "Mom, what is it you wanted to talk to me about?"

Veronica put her glass down. The same look of vulnerability Alicia had seen in her the night of the barbeque crossed her features again. Veronica moved her hand to Alicia's knee, and looked up at her.

"Alicia, your father was a good man. One of the best I've ever known - and I've known a lot of men." Alicia rolled her eyes. "I know that you blame me for the divorce. And I'm not going to sit here and tell you it wasn't partially my fault. But there were some things…about me…that your father struggled with. Things he decided he didn't want to deal with." She stood up and began to walk around the room. Alicia was surprised at her nervousness.

Veronica continued. "When I went away to college…a lifetime ago…I started experiencing mood swings. Everyone has mood swings, but this was different. I'd have weeks where I needed hardly any sleep, and felt like I was at the top of the world, like I was indestructible."

She turned back to look at Alicia. "You can only do that for so long before your body needs sleep. So I'd sleep for nearly two days straight after that sometimes. It didn't affect my school work, in fact it was helpful. I could study, and still have as much of a social life as I wanted. Other's just thought I was driven, which is one of the things that made your father fall in love with me. He liked the energy I put into my classes, but he also liked my outgoing personality, and the fact that I wasn't afraid to try new things. It took him a long time to convince me to only date him because I enjoyed going out with a different man every weekend. But eventually I decided I liked being with your father more than any other man. We married. We were happy. You and Owen came along, and we were still happy."

"So what happened?" Alicia asked. "Did you cheat on him? Decide you still needed more than one man in your life?"

"No darling," she moved back to Alicia. "I never cheated on your father. My episodes of highs and lows got more intense as the years went on. It drove your father crazy sometimes. Do you remember when you were seven and I got you out of bed one summer morning so you and I could go to Florida?"

Alicia searched her memory for a few moments. "You mean the trip where we stayed at that spa?"

"Yes. You were really too young to be there."

Alicia chuckled. "Yeah, I was so upset. I wasn't allowed to use the adult only pools."

"Yes, but we had a wonderful time on the beach that week."

"It was a good trip. What's your point?"

"I did that very…spur of the moment. I made arrangements for someone to watch Owen during the week while your father was at work. Booked our flights, and made our reservations, all within forty-eight hours before we left."

"You hadn't planned it out in advance?" Alicia was surprised. "You told me that trip was a reward for doing so well in school that year."

"I know. I lied, and your father wasn't very happy about the trip."

"Well I can see why." Alicia reached for her wine again.

"Things got worse after that. I'd have weeks where I was full of energy and did really well at work. And then there were other weeks where I could barely pull myself out of bed. I did pull myself out of bed because I couldn't afford to lose my job. Eventually I asked my physician about it. After running some tests he told me I had bipolar disorder."

Alicia was familiar with the symptoms of bipolar disorder. She had recently been involved in a case dealing with a client with this type of mental health issue and she'd done some research on it. Hearing this news from her mother caused her to look back on those memories from her childhood and she began to realize that Veronica had acted similar to someone who might have the disorder.

"So did you get treated for it? From what I've read it can be managed pretty well with medication, and therapy."

"I was put on some medication in the beginning. But depression wasn't viewed in the same way as it is now. Back then people thought that depression was something that could be controlled by the mind, and that all you had to do was think positively, push through it, and it would be cured." She made a point of looking into Alicia's eyes. "Your father was one of those people. He didn't understand it. He tried, but he just couldn't ever get over the idea that it was an actual illness. That I couldn't just use the strong mind he'd always felt I'd had to get over it."

"But couldn't he see that the medication made a difference?"

"Yes, but I wasn't always on medication, and when I wasn't I sometimes turned to alcohol, which didn't help. By the time you were twelve I think your father was tired of dealing with it," she sighed. "I couldn't really blame him."

"So you both just gave up?" Alicia questioned, in a disappointed tone.

"We didn't give up for awhile. We both tried to make things work. I went back on the medication and stayed on it. Things got better between us. But they didn't remain that way. It took awhile to find the right medication and dosage, and I had some pretty bad bouts of manic episodes. And one of the side effects of some of the medications was a lack of sexual interest and drive, which was difficult for both your father and I. Eventually it seemed like we argued over everything. Your father still struggled with the idea that I couldn't just think my way out of the depression. Eventually we decided we'd both be better off apart, and we were. We got along much better once we weren't living with each other."

"I don't remember any of this," Alicia admitted, shaking her head. Thinking it was the amnesia that was causing the gaps in her memory.

"You wouldn't. Your father and I did our best to keep you and Owen away from it. We were trying to protect both of you."

"Protect us? Don't you think it would have better if we had known some of this?" Alicia got up from the couch and moved to the window.

"Maybe, but we thought we were doing what was best for you."

Alicia let out her breath, continuing to stare out the window. She didn't know what to say with the mix of emotions that were running through her. Clearly she couldn't place all the blame for her parent's divorce on her mother anymore. And the high pedestal she'd placed her father on seemed to be dropping a bit. Maybe they hadn't been able to work things out between them, but what about the effect the divorce had on she and Owen? A small part of her felt like their decision had been a selfish one, but she wasn't fourteen anymore. Even if she didn't remember much beyond that point in her past, she'd been in a mature adult relationship with Will for six months, and realized that thinking her parent's decision had been selfish, was probably wrong.

Veronica stood next to her now staring out the window. "Alicia, I'm sorry. I know I wasn't there for you when you needed me all the time, but I was embarrassed. I thought it would be better to hide my mood swings by being the eccentric mother."

Alicia couldn't help but chuckle. "Well you were definitely that."

"Yes. And your friends didn't seem to mind."

Alicia turned and looked at her. "No they didn't. You let us get away with a lot more at slumber parties than any of the other moms."

They stood in silence for a few minutes. "How's the depression now?" Alicia finally asked. "Is that why you're constantly taking these trips, dating a new man every few months?"

"Oh it's fine now. I've been taking medication for so long I rarely experience symptoms anymore. As for the trips and the men, I like being with men. Dating at my age is harder than it looks, so when a man shows some interest I take advantage of it. I like to travel. I get restless staying in one place for very long. I'm sorry if my traveling has made you think I don't care."

Alicia nodded, and they remained silent for a few more moments. "Mom, I don't need you to start coming over two times a week. But it would be nice if I wasn't always the one who called. And it would also be nice if when I called you actually answered the phone, or called back on the same day. What if something happened to you when you were on one of your trips? We'd never know anything was wrong until a week later. I will try to be more understanding of your behavior. But I need you to put a little more into our relationship if you want things to be better between us."

"I do Alicia."

"Okay, then we'll both do our best to change a few things."

They talked awhile longer. Alicia finally had a chance to look around at some of the photos, and other trinkets Veronica had around the apartment.

"I need to get back home," Alicia said, some time later. She reached for her purse on the coffee table.

"Okay,"

"Thanks for the wine," Alicia said, as she stood and started for the door.

"Alicia,"

She turned back around to look at Veronica again.

"Don't ever take Will for granted. Don't underestimate how much he loves you. He and I may not agree on everything. I was worried sick after Kate died and your depression got so bad. I thought Will would end up being like your father, that he'd get tired of dealing with it and leave you. I was pretty hard on him during that time. But he dealt with my antics, and took much better care of you than anyone else could have - even your own mother. He's never given up on you. Don't forget what a blessing that is."

Alicia smiled and nodded. "I won't mom."

* * *

When she got home she found Will in their bedroom freshly showered, pulling on a clean shirt. He'd spent a portion of the afternoon clearing out some of the flower beds in preparation for the winter months ahead.

After leaving Veronica's, all Alicia had wanted was to be near Will again. And to feel the sense of stability and love he provided for her.

"Hey, how did it go?" he asked, as she wrapped her arms around his neck pulling him in for a tight hug. This worried him some, maybe things hadn't gone well. It wasn't like her to embrace him like this out of nowhere. A year ago yes, but not in recent months. His concerns were eased when she responded.

"Good. I have a lot to tell you." She continued to hold onto him, her head resting against his shoulder.

"You okay?" he asked, running his hand soothingly over her back.

"Yes, I'm just glad to be home." She looked up at him and smiled before leaning in for a kiss.

Later that night after the kids had gone to bed, Will was getting the movie set up. Alicia went into the kitchen to get the surprise she'd brought home for him.

He was on the couch with a blanket over his legs when she returned. She handed him the bowl of popcorn and a small brown box.

"What's this?" he asked, noticing the name, Floriole Bakery, etched on the top of the box.

"Just a little something I picked up for you on my way home tonight." She smiled as she climbed under the blanket next to him.

He opened the box, taking in its contents. "I love these!" he said, placing the box in his lap.

She chuckled at the excitement a large, gooey cinnamon roll had brought on. "I know," she responded, taking the bowl of popcorn from him.

He looked over at her with loving eyes. "Thank you." He leaned closer and kissed her cheek. "Do you want to share it with me?"

"No. Thank you. I think I'll stick with the popcorn tonight."

After the movie they remained on the couch snuggled comfortably together in the dark.

"Good movie," she said.

"It was a good night," he replied, resting his head against hers. She was enjoying the warmth of being held in his arms, and soft sound of his breath near her ear.

"Will"

"Hmm," he responded softly.

She squeezed his hand tightly. "Thank you for never giving up on me. You'll never know how much that means to me." She looked up at him as a tear escaped her eye. Her feelings for him seemed to be growing stronger and stronger with every passing day. And now she shuttered to think what her life might be like if he hadn't been the one there when she'd woken up in the hospital all those months ago.

His hand moved to her face, and he gently brushed away the tear with his thumb. "I'll never give up on you," he replied in a whisper, before pressing his warm lips to hers.


	26. Georgetown - The Memory Of

**A/N; As always, I want to thank all of you who are reading this! Just a little FYI, this chapter does have some M rated material in it. I would love to hear thoughts after this one!**

There was something about watching her - his wife - that sent butterflies through his entire body and had held him captive for what had seemed like his entire life. He'd once believed that after so many years of marriage she'd figured out the effect she had on him, everything from her laugh, and the looks she gave him, to the effect a simple touch or brush of her lips had. All of these things had the power to leave him at her complete mercy. She had used that knowledge for everything from seducing to comforting him. She'd never used it against him, only to make him feel like the most wanted and loved man on the planet.

He wondered now as she continued to talk while getting ready for the day, if she had any clue of the emotional and physical grasp she held over him. Today the effect was very physical, almost to an aching point. He'd pressed soft kisses to her face, neck and arms to wake her up not long ago, but he'd wanted to do so much more.

Even now, watching her pout her lips to finish applying her lipstick sent a fantastic rush of shivers down his spine. Maybe her effect on him would be less if she didn't look so absolutely perfect to him.

He didn't know if the cause of his ache for her was because they were away together - without the kids - or if it had been the bath they had shared the previous night which had allowed him to feel closer to her than he had in nearly a year.

Only a week earlier, Dr. Benson had encouraged them to move to some more intimate exercises. These particular exercises involved both of them being completely undressed. The doctor had given them some suggestions on a few exercises with a specific course of action involving touching and lightly massaging each other. One of the things he suggested was that they spend some time laying naked cuddled up next to each other in bed. But he also encouraged them to come up their own ideas. The point of these kinds of exercises was that it would encourage physical intimacy, but without the expectation of moving all the way to intercourse.

Dr. Benson told them this would continue to be helpful even after they had taken things all the way. It would allow for physical closeness that both of them could feel, and desire, but without the pressure of always feeling like the end result needed to be sex. He specifically pointed out that connecting this way was healthy for any marital relationship.

With that in mind, and because they'd only had one opportunity since their meeting with the doctor to engage in these types of activities, Alicia had suggested the bath.

While Will thought it was a good idea, it had turned out better than he'd expected. The combination of hot water, the sweet scent of bubbles, and her naked body resting against his had provided him with familiarity and closeness to her that he hadn't felt in so long. In this instance it hadn't felt like an assignment. It hadn't seemed like something they were doing because they wanted to be able to mark it off the doctor's list, which was how some of these exercises had felt for both of them in the past few weeks.

He smiled to himself noticing the empty bottle of champagne and tiny tea light candles sitting on the edge of the tub. She'd sauntered into the bathroom in a robe after he'd run the water, carrying the bottle, two glasses, and the candles.

After setting the mood, he'd stood in front of her and slowly untied the knot that kept the robe securely around her. She was undoubtedly familiar with the look in his eyes as they lingered on her body. The anticipation of feeling all of her bare skin next to his for only the second time in the past eleven months was enough to bring him to his knees.

She'd smiled shyly, slightly nervous as she climbed into the warm water. This would be a very intimate situation – was she ready? But her nerves washed away as she sank into the soothing water, and he climbed in behind her.

His strong arms held her there as she turned her head to him and pressed her lips to his. Surprisingly, having her bare skin against his, and being allowed to continue pressing soft kisses along her neck, then to her shoulders, as their hands moved gently over each others bodies, had been enough to satiate his burning desire for physical closeness – at least until the sun had risen eight hours later.

"So what do you think?" she asked, clasping her watch over her wrist.

"I think you should do most of the questioning today." He moved in front of her placing his hands on her arms.

"Me?" she replied, looking at him as though he'd completely lost his mind.

He chuckled. "Yes, you. You're just as familiar with this case as I am. And after listening to you for the past ten minutes, you've clearly thought about how we should proceed today more than I have."

She moved away from him and sat on the bed to put on her shoes. "I don't know Will. It's easy to pose questions when it's just you and I, but…"

He sat next to her placing his hand gently on her leg. "Listen, if you don't want to, you don't have to. I just thought you might enjoy being more involved."

"No, it's not that. It does make me a little nervous, but do you think it's all right?"

"That you run the questioning for the deposition?" he asked, with puzzled expression.

"Yes. I can think of a few people who might have a problem with me… _being more involved._ "

"David Lee?" he questioned.

She nodded affirmatively. "Yes and a few others in the firm." It had become abundantly clear to her in the past few months which of their employees thought she was still qualified to work at the firm and which ones didn't.

"Leesh, you're ready. You can do this. I'm not the least bit concerned about your performance, or the fact that you can't recall attending a single day of law school." He smiled bringing his hand to her cheek. "I know the information is in that head of yours somewhere. It's obvious to anyone who has spent time with you the past few months. And since you and I are two-thirds of the final decision making within the firm, it doesn't really matter what David Lee, or others think."

She smiled. "If you really think it would be all right, then I would like to take a more active role in this."

He pressed his forehead to hers. "I would love for you to take on a more active role." He held her gaze for a few moments. Today it almost seemed like he could see right into her soul.

She reached her hand to his chin and pressed a soft kiss to his lips as though she could sense how he was feeling - something that had been lost between them after her accident.

He reached for her hand after they pulled apart. "Come on. It's been a long time since I got watch my wife frustrate the life out of opposing council!"

They both laughed. "Well we'll see how it goes." She patted his chest and they both stood to leave.

He continued to watch her throughout the day feeling the same sense of excitement and pride that he'd been feeling for days now. He'd loved having his mother and his little family, the people he loved the most in the world, together over the previous weekend. Listening to Alicia and his mother talk while making meals together, watching the two of them having fun baking cookies with the kids, and holding a rather energetic family game night, had almost made things feel completely normal. Not that he wasn't happy with the way things were, but there was a certain comfort in experiencing those things again.

The familiarity of having her run the questioning nearly all day had been thoroughly enjoyable, not to mention entertaining at points. Watching and listening to her get a little snippety with opposing council and not allowing them to back her into a corner, had always been a turn on for him. Even from the time of their mock trial together. They had lost that one, but no one could accuse her of not giving it her all. The thought made him laugh under his breath.

"What's so funny?" she questioned, continuing to gather their things for the night so they could leave. "That attorney drives me nuts. We didn't see that last bit of potential damning evidence coming. It could destroy our whole case."

"I know, but I couldn't help but think back to our mock trial. You acted just as indignant with the guest judge in that trial as you did with the attorney today."

She looked up at him. "I acted that way in front of a judge?" She chuckled. "I don't know what came over me today, but he was trying to make a completely irrelevant point."

"I know. Which is exactly what you thought opposing council had done during the mock trial, and you weren't about to let him get away with it. The funny thing about that whole situation was that the attorney who was playing the role as the judge continued to try to get you to calm down, tried to come up with a good reason to keep you from objecting every two minutes. He never managed to do it because you were that good. I don't think he was expecting a third year law student to be able to come up so many relevant objections. And your constant interruptions really threw opposing council off balance."

"But you said we lost that trial."

"Oh we did! But our team still got A's because of your performance, and the fact that the professor could tell we had all done a significant amount research and prep."

"I can't act like that in front of real judge, I'll get censured."

A broad grin crossed his lips. "No, but I suspect that you'll quickly learn how to channel that passion in other ways, just as you did all those years ago. And that will allow the judges and attorneys to know you won't back down, but at the same time keep you out of trouble. You've seen me in court, but it might be very helpful to go watch Diane argue a few cases when we get home. You can say a lot of things, and get away with a little more in depositions than you can in front of a judge."

They gathered the last of their things, when Will paused briefly.

"What?" she questioned.

"I have an idea." An excited look crossed his features. "I think I know where we can find some cases to back up our argument. It might just slow these guys down, but we need access to cases that aren't in the data base." He took her hand and led her out of the conference room they were in. "I happen to know of a very large law library not very far from here that will have exactly what we're looking for." He smiled and pressed a quick kiss to her cheek. "Your trip to the law school just got bumped up a day."

Will felt a wave of nostalgia stepping onto the ground just in front of the enormous law library. In ways it felt like being a student all over again. He chuckled as he and Alicia entered the building.

"You've been doing that all day. What's so funny now?" she questioned, as they moved into the large open space.

"Nothing, it's just that the day we graduated I swore I'd never spend another minute of my life in this building."

They both chuckled moving further into the large space. Alicia paused to take in the grander of it all. It was inspiring in many ways, the old architecture, high ceilings that rose at least three stories above them, the dark wood shelving that held rows and rows of books, and the lines of wood tables each with their own reading lamps. The large arched windows on various walls, allowed the fading sun to cast a brilliant amber light on the wood and chandeliers. It was like they had stepped into the great hall of an old castle instead of a library. The scent of settled dust, aging paper amongst tattered leather bindings, mingled with an almost sweet vanilla aroma, only aided in making one feel as though they had stepped back in time.

It was the overwhelming scent of the space that reached deep into Alicia's soul somewhere and managed to bring on a rush of emotions, and memories. So overwhelmed by the sensation and new thoughts that suddenly flashed through her mind, she grasped onto Will's arm taking in a deep breath, closing her eyes. The only noises that could be heard were the rustling of pages, and hushed whispers in the distance. They were practically alone where they stood. The space was so large that there was more than enough room for dozen and dozens of law students to have their own quiet piece of this library.

"What's wrong?" Will asked, moving in front of her, placing both his hands on her arms to support her.

She inhaled deeply, slowly opening her eyes to meet his, as a tear escaped rolling down her cheek. She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. What she said next surprised him as much as it surprised her. "I remember," she said, in an excited whisper next to his ear.

He tightened his arms around her. "Remember what?" he asked with a gentle smile.

"This place." She pulled away and turned around taking in her surroundings once again. "All of it. I remember walking in here for the first time and feeling excited and completely overwhelmed wondering what I'd gotten myself into."

Comprehending her words, he tried to pull her back to him. But her excitement only caused her to take a hold of his hand and pull him further into the building near the circulation desk. "I remember standing right here and laughing because Julia thought it was ridiculous that law students would need two huge libraries just to get a degree." She looked over to him. "There are two law libraries right?"

"Yes!" he responded enthusiastically. "The other one is for international, and commerce law."

She pulled him once again in the direction of the stairs. "Let's go see if my old hidden study area is still intact."

"You mean our old study area!" he playfully corrected, following after her.

She spun around. "No, I mean my study area. The one I kindly allowed you to share with me." She raised a knowing brow to him. But then paused again realizing what she'd just said. It was the first time she'd been able to respond to something he'd mentioned about their past that she completely understood, and without him giving any background or context first. She'd finally had a solid memory of him. She couldn't picture him in her mind specifically, but she knew he'd always insisted it was their study area, and she'd always countered by claiming it had been her space for months before he'd ever sat in the chair across from her.

He couldn't help but laugh, as she allowed him to pull her into his embrace. "You remember that ongoing argument?" He pulled her closer. "Leesh, what else do you remember?" he asked with hopeful desperation. Maybe she'd finally remembered some of their relationship. He didn't need her to remember everything, he just longed for her to remember something about him, about them, from the past twenty-three years of their lives.

"I don't know Will," she admitted honestly. "There's a lot of new information, new emotions, running through my mind right now. When the first memories hit a few minutes ago, it was like I was reliving the first moment I walked into this building all over again. It's an odd sensation really. It's going to take some time for me to sort all of it out."

"Okay," he replied.

The loss of excitement in his eyes was obvious. "You're disappointed," she said quietly, looking away.

He reached his hand to her chin so she'd look at him again. "No, I'm not. It was just really exciting for a few moments. Let's go upstairs and find _your_ old study area."

She leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. "Okay"

He took her hand and headed for the elevator along the back wall, but she pulled him in the opposite direction towards the stairs.

"You're kidding me!" he said, laughing under his breath. "You're still going to insist we take the stairs?"

She glanced over to him with a knowing smile. "It's more inspiring to take the stairs that pass by all the books."

"Glad to see you've remembered the important things," he teased as they began their ascent to the third floor.

They stepped around the corner of some of the stacks not far from the fairly secluded corner of the third floor and stopped abruptly. Quietly retreating some, they watched for a few moments the two individuals that sat at the table - their table. Will realized the two were debating a case. The female was insisting the point she'd just made was correct, with a look of frustration on her face. But it was the male's reaction to her that made him laugh under his breath, and shake his head.

"We'll ask the professor tomorrow, but that is not how a federal court would interpret it," the male responded, with a smug grin across his lips.

The female crumpled up the top page of her legal notepad and playfully threw it at him. "Fine, but if I'm right, you owe me coffee for the rest of the week."

Will turned to tell Alicia the interaction was exactly how they used to act, but she wasn't standing next to him anymore. He turned peering around the end of the bookshelf. She was standing there with her back against the shelving. He reached for her hand and moved in front of her.

She smiled, but her eyes looked as though tears were about to spring from them again, her breath racing as though she'd just sprinted a short distance.

"You okay?" he asked, closing the distance between them.

She nodded her head unable to keep the tears in any longer. "It's you," she whispered, tightening her grasp on his hands. "When I look over there I see you and me, and piles of books, a baseball in your hand, feet propped up on the table." More tears fell from her eyes. Will decided they should move somewhere a little more private, so he led her to a vacant study room close by, and closed the door. He sat on the edge of the table, drawing her close, placing his arms around her waist.

She wiped at a few tears on her cheeks. "This is silly, me crying. But to have a solid memory of you in my head and to know it really happened years ago, is an overwhelming relief. I hadn't realized how much not being able to remember you was effecting me. Not that I haven't believed everything you and others have told me. There's proof in all the photos, in the journal entries. It's just that to actually be able to recall you in my mind, somehow settles all the unnerving battles that have been playing back and forth in my head. I know for myself now that you really existed in my past." She reached her arms around his neck. "It's such a comfort Will. I feel like I could explode."

It was a mix of relief and excitement for him to. He'd been waiting, hoping, that this would happen at some point. He reached his hands cupping her face. "I'm so glad Leesh. I can't begin to express what that means to me." He meant every word. It was like gaining some of his own identity back.

They spent a few more quiet moments in each others embrace before getting to work. As thrilling as all of this was, they still had a client to defend.

Hours later, he sat alone in the quiet dimly lit space they'd occupied, cluttered with books, and pages of notes. In ways the evening had been just like old times, the two of them collaborating on a case, playing of each others ideas, and her seeming ability to constantly distract him with her beauty. If she hadn't left him mere minutes before to return a book to its rightful place, he would have wondered where she'd gone. After the recent return of a few of her memories, and his physical yearning for her, that hadn't subsided the entire day, he missed having her next to him. It was like this sometimes, though it had been so long, he'd almost forgotten how it felt to feel like part of him was missing when she wasn't in his presence. He'd go find her he decided, it was getting late.

She'd gotten distracted by the titles of some books among the stacks after replacing the one they had removed hours earlier. He had been so quiet approaching her she jumped a bit when he threaded his arms under hers from behind wrapping them around her waist. The startle caused yet another memory to flash through her mind.

/

 _"Will, stop," she protested, as he continued to press soft kisses to her neck. "Someone will see us, and I need to find this law journal." She reached to a higher shelf pulling a book from its resting place._

 _His hands tightened around her waist as he turned her to face him. She recognized the hungry look in his eyes. She'd become quite familiar with it in the past month since she'd allowed their relationship to become public knowledge. He moved closer to her, his hands slowly moving towards her hips. "Do you know how long I've waited to be able to kiss you in a quiet corner of this library?" He hastily pressed his lips to hers before she could respond._

 _His kisses had almost become a drug in the past few weeks, which was the only reason she allowed his lips to linger on hers. They briefly parted for air. "I don't know. How long?" she whispered, brushing her lips against his cheek._

 _He pressed his body more firmly against hers, causing a shiver to rush through her entire body. "Years Alicia, Years," he breathed, before pressing his lips to hers again._

/

She inhaled grasping onto the shelf in front of her as Will pressed his body closer to hers, placing a kiss to her neck. He knew the exact spot on her neck to press his lips that sent tingles through her body. In that moment it was difficult to determine if the intoxicating heat that rushed through her body was due to the memory, or the way he held her now.

Regaining a sense of balance in her knees she smiled and turned to face him, grasping onto his shirt pulling him closer as she pressed a heated kiss to his lips.

This was dangerous territory, her tongue in his mouth. He'd lost the willpower to keep images of her body from the previous night out of his mind at this late hour.

One of them had to come to their senses. She pulled away to take in some air, her eyes piercing his. "Ozone" she said, barely audible.

He suddenly wondered what had gone wrong. Maybe he'd taken the kiss too far, and it had made her nervous. But she was the one who had kissed him passionately first.

"Leesh?" His hands remained on her hips but he pulled his body away from hers.

"I just had another memory…one with you. Let's get out of here. I'd like to continue this at the hotel." Her hands slid from his chest to entwine them with his.

He let out a nervous breath of relief. Nothing was wrong. She just wanted to leave and continue things behind closed doors.

There were endless thoughts rushing through her mind as he closed the door to their hotel room behind him. She felt intoxicated, yet she hadn't had a drink all day. She watched him remove his suit coat - she loved him in blue. Sensing her eyes on him, he turned his gaze to her. _That look_... He'd been looking at her like that nearly all day. She couldn't ignore any longer the brown eyes that seemed to be looking right into her soul.

He couldn't understand why she was just standing there as if in a trance. Maybe she was remembering more. He'd noticed that look in her eyes a few times while they were at the library. He wondered what it was really like for her to get some of those memories back. He wrapped her up in his arms, and the trance seemed to dissipate.

She looked right into his eyes. At that very moment she knew exactly what she wanted, and it sent tingles through her whole body. She reached her arms around his neck. He could feel the quickened beat of her heart when her chest pressed up against him.

"We're here now. If I'm not mistaken, you mentioned something about," he didn't have a chance to finish his sentence before she pressed a fervent kiss to his lips again, taking his breath away. The kiss lingered as his hands moved over her body. He was looking forward to another night like the last.

Moments later they came up for air. She pulled away, but her eyes met his filled with desire. "Do you want to share another bath, maybe shower together?" he asked, brushing a strand of loose hair behind her ear. He thought those things might go really well considering the mood she seemed to be in. She held his gaze, but didn't respond. "If not we could get undressed and continue this in the bed," he suggested. "Or,"

She pressed a finger to his lips. "Will, I want..." Suddenly she grew a tad nervous, but she knew it was now or never. If she didn't just come right out and say it the moment would pass - the spell would be broken. If that happened she felt like she would blow away in the wind. His embrace was the only thing keeping her on solid ground.

"I want...you to make love to me."

He was fairly certain the world stopped spinning on its axis right then. Time seemed to stand still. He had to swallow hard the burning lump in his throat to keep his composure.

He had a dozen replies, but he simply pressed his temple to hers. "There's nothing…I'd rather do."

A rush of excitement and anxiety flooded her all at once, but she didn't voice her concerns from months ago. _I won't know what he likes, what he wants._

She held his gaze for a few lingering moments. "I'm a little nervous," she admitted, fearing she'd ruin the moment.

"We'll take things slow," he breathed against her ear before pressing a soft kiss just below her earlobe. An audible hum escaped her lips. He could have said more to help ease her nerves, but he felt the tension flee her body and her shoulders relax. She didn't need him to say more. She felt at complete ease in the security of his arms.

Moments later, he reached for her hands slowly walking backwards towards the bedroom. The light was dim, the sheets had been turned down and the sweet scent of fresh cut flowers filled the air around them.

His desire to make love to her was enough to shatter him into a thousand pieces, and he knew from past experience they could make quick work of it. But this was not one of those moments. Tonight was special. He wanted to make her feel like a goddess, and burn the memory of this night into their minds forever.

She reveled in the boyish look on his face as his fingers reached for the buttons on her jacket, and was a little surprised at the thrill that shot through her as his hands slowly slid the fabric from off her shoulders. Was it always like this, feelings so intense you could almost taste them? She watched in eager anticipation as he continued with her clothing.

Everything seemed familiar and yet incredibly new to him. It had been too long since he'd removed clothing from her body, something he'd always reveled in doing because of the reaction it brought from her. He gently lifted the sleeveless silk blouse over her head - all he could see was her. Everything else in the room was a blur - damn the effect she had on him. His body grew more wanting with each passing second.

He pressed his lips hard against hers as he reached for the zipper of her skirt. Her fingers moved to the buttons of his shirt, feeling a sudden urge to place her hands on the skin of his toned chest.

Once his shirt lay on the floor he broke the kiss. It was almost painful for her, feeling like a piece of her had been ripped away.

His eyes rested on the thin layer of lace that covered her breasts – _the things he_ _'_ _d do to them_ – he could already imagine.

Paying particular attention to where his gaze had landed, she became moist at her core. He'd spent time fondling her breasts, but the thought of how his lips might feel on them, had a dizzying effect on her.

She leaned in and pressed her lips to his as her hands fervently moved to the belt of his pants, her skirt slipping to the floor.

Soon he was completely undressed. She took a moment to gaze at the effect their actions were having on him, causing a feeling of pride and satisfaction to come over her.

The thin layer of lace that covered her breasts and core was all that remained on her. He wanted to devour her right there. Their kisses growing more heated with each passing moment, he gently reached one hand behind her back, the other under her thighs and lifted, placing her gently among the soft coverings of the bed. She shivered as her body hit the cold sheets. He crawled into bed next to her pulling the blankets over them to keep her warm before he began his assault of kisses on her again.

She'd experienced moments of arousal in the past months, but this was different. His every touch seemed to hold meaning, and it made her feel as though she'd lose conscious control of everything if she let go of him. Her hands traced circles on his chest as he leaned closer. Beginning with her lips, he trailed kisses down her neck…to her shoulders…to her chest. His warm hands reached for the clasp that lay at the center of her breasts. He slipped the straps from off her arms and leant closer again.

Her heart beat faster, her breathing quickened in anticipation. He exhaled taking a brief moment to admire her porcelain skin. His lips became moist as he bent down again to press soft kisses to her body. She moaned at the sensation, her fingernails digging into his shoulders.

Minutes later his lips trailed down her torso. Her hands tangled in his hair for a brief moment before he slowly removed the lace from her core. His hands pressed against her inner thighs and suddenly a new kind of anticipation enthralled her body as his warm palms glided slowly towards her most intimate parts. Her head tilted back and a pleasurable gasp escaped her lips as his fingers played with her outer core - she never wanted him to stop.

He watched her, the heat rising to a boiling point within him feeling her reaction. Soon her eyes met his once again. He held her gaze as he removed his fingers from her, slowly lowering his head to where they had been. When his lips touched her most sensitive parts, she grasped onto the sheets at her sides, moaning at the sensations he'd just sent through her. Seconds later her fingers tangled in his hair, her entire body increasing in excitement. She didn't know how much longer she could endure these intense feelings. "Will," she gasped. It was all she could coherently say at that moment.

He looked up at her. A knowing smile crossed his features as he shifted to press his lips to hers again, leaving his fingers to play inside of her. He was unraveling her piece by piece and she moaned at his touch. Moments later, her body couldn't contain the intensity anymore. Her muscles tightened, she grasped his arm, pulling her lips from his in audible pleasure.

Her skin flushing, body trembling, the pleasant sound of her satisfied cries - oh how he loved watching her fall over the edge knowing he'd been the one to do it to her.

Moments later as he ran a gentle hand over her arm, her body began to relax. She opened her eyes. The pleased look on his face only caused her to want more. Her lips met his again more intensely than before. Things became more heated. Their bodies danced together like this, skin to skin for endless minutes.

At one point she found herself on top of him. - the longing for the end in each of them growing with every passing second. Her lips danced across his face, neck and chest while her hand massaged his length. He felt as though he might dissolve right into the bed from the pleasure. They continued to roll beneath the sheets savoring every moment, every kiss, every breath as if it was the first and last time they would ever be just like this.

Eventually neither one could take it anymore. Sweat crossed both their brows. Somewhere in the middle of the quiet moans and whispers coming from both, she managed an audible but breathless few words. "Will…please…I need…"

The sound of her voice told him she was about to break with or without him - some things would never change. He shifted until he lay above her. He'd waited for what had seemed like an eternity for this moment.

Suddenly a concerning thought crossed her mind. "Wait," she gasped, almost in panic. Her hand tightened on his arm. Why hadn't she thought about sooner?

He froze, looking right into her eyes. Was she changing her mind? He felt as though he'd die if she ended it right here.

"Do we need…protection?" she asked breathless, worry written all over her face.

He breathed a heavy sigh of relief, and smiled at her. "No! I'm more than happy to explain it to you but," his eyes wondered over the parts of her he could see, resting on the small scar on her stomach. His breathing still rapid, he looked back up to her. "Leesh, I'm going to fall apart if we can't finish this first," he said desperately.

"Okay," she giggled, her sudden anxiety eased.

"Are you ready?" he asked, sincerely.

"Yes!" Her lips met his again as he gently began to move into her, allowing for her body to adjust to him.

An audible moan sprang from her lips, as he entered her. The sensation of feeling him inside her took over her emotions. Her focus lie solely on how he filled her up, and the thrill it sent through her entire body. Mere seconds later, her eyes clenched shut at the image that drifted through her mind at that very moment – the image of him and love making past. The emotions, feelings, that accompanied that flash of memory, sent intense waves of pleasure through her body. But she didn't want the present moment to be overtaken by the past. She forced her eyes open so she could see him - watch him - in this moment as their bodies moved in perfect rhythm together - _faster and faster_. Finally the moment came, their heavy breathing replaced by indescribable sounds.

In that moment she understand what he'd meant months ago when he'd said that making love allowed their souls to mingle with each other. It was clear as day and for a brief moment it felt as though they'd left their physical bodies behind - their souls dancing together. All too soon their bodies fell limp. He slowly opened his eyes to meet her gaze, her lips curved into a loving, satisfied smile. In this shared tender moment he wanted to ask why tears were streaming from her eyes - but hers weren't the only tears silently making their way down her cheeks. Still breathless she reached her hand to his face, brushing away his tears as her lips met his in a soft loving kiss. Their hearts bound together once again had found refuge amongst the storm - they'd become one again.

They lay quietly tangled together beneath the sheets a few minutes later. Her head gently rested on his chest. His fingers ran smoothly through her hair.

There was something comforting about feeling the gentle rise and fall of his chest, and hearing the faint sound of his heartbeat. Her mind remained on what they'd just done. It had been better, more meaningful than she'd imagined. It hadn't simply been a physical act. It had been an emotional reconnecting that they'd both needed. She was more grateful than ever now that he'd been so patient in waiting for her to feel comfortable with it.

"How are you doing?" he asked, breaking the silence.

"I'm good. Really good,' she giggled, peering up at him, with raised brow. She was still on a fluttering high, and it made him laugh under his breath.

"I'm glad we waited for this," he admitted. "It was difficult for me at times, but it gave us the opportunity to grow closer together in many ways, and I'm probably a better husband now for it."

She propped herself up onto her elbow and reached a hand to his cheek. "You're a wonderful husband, Will. Thank you for being so patient with me. I feel closer to you now than ever."

He smiled and kissed her hand softly. "What made you decide you were ready?"

"I think it was a lot of things built up over the months. Getting to know you better, doing things together. Watching you interact with the kids." She placed her free hand on his chest. "The memories of you that came back today, and the way you've been watching me the past five days or so. There's been something in the way you've looked at me that I hadn't noticed before. It made me feel good, safe…wanted. Your eyes seemed to be filled with nothing but love and concern for me, as if I was the most important woman in the world."

"You _are_ the most important woman in the world to me." His hand ran in soothing circles across her back.

"And I believe that now because you've shown me what that means. I know what it's like to truly be loved by someone. I know what it's like to feel as though you've lost everything, and still have someone believe in you. To have someone in your life who never gives up on you no matter what you try to throw at them, and it's one of the most wonderful feelings in the world."

"You know I'm in love with you right?" he said softly.

A few tears escaped her eyes. "Yes." Her hand brushed against his cheek again. "I'm in love with you too."

He'd waited months to hear those words coming from her again. It felt like finding a missing piece to a puzzle. Bit by bit he was starting to feel like a whole man again. "It means a lot to me to hear you say that." He leaned in, pressing his warm lips to her forehead.

Her eyes met his gaze again with a wanting look in them. "So…can we do it again?" she asked, a mix of excitement and seduction in her tone.

He chuckled at her enthusiasm, wrapping his arm tightly around her. "Yes!" he responded, pulling her on top of him. He'd make love to her all night if she wanted.

 **A/N; I hope you all enjoyed this! Lest some of you think they are out of the woods, and we are nearing a happy ending, these two still have quite a few hurtles to overcome before the end.**


	27. When We Were Young

**A/N; Thank you so much for the reviews of the last chapter! I still get a good chuckle over some of the responses!**

Will had missed waking up like this. Alicia's warm naked body settled against his. Her arm sprawled out across his chest. Her head rested next to his, and feeling content, satisfied, and well rested, even if he'd only gotten a few hours sleep.

They'd acted like newlyweds on their honeymoon the previous night. Not two people who had been married for nineteen years, and had commitments early the following morning. After making love to each other, _again,_ they'd talked for awhile before she announced she was hungry - they'd skipped dinner after all. Thank heavens for twenty-four hour room service that delivered pancakes and fruit at one in the morning. He breathed a light laugh at it now. She'd eaten every single thing on her plate pretty quickly, and some of his. All of their _exercise_ had clearly made her hungry. But it hadn't slowed her down. When they'd finished eating she'd climbed on top of him again and asked it they could make love one more time before they fell asleep. He silently hoped he'd be able to keep up with her if this mood continued - he wasn't twenty-five anymore.

He shifted slowly beneath the sheets to wake her up by pressing soft kisses to her neck, then her cheek, slowly making his way to her lips. His warm hands gently ran over her bare skin.

She began to wake from his touch. Her eyes still closed, her body coming out of a near comatose state, she reached her hand to the back of his neck pulling him closer to deepen the kiss he'd planted on her lips.

"Mmmm," she hummed, opening her eyes. "I'm tired," she said, quietly. "Someone kept me up too late last night."

He chuckled, brushing loose strands of hair from her face. "Someone kept _you_ up too late? I think it was the other way around Mrs. Gardner."

 _Mrs. Gardner,_ she was still getting used to the sound of it _._ "It took both of us to do what we did last night," she insisted playfully.

"Yes it did," he agreed, pressing his lips to her neck again. "We need to get up," he said, continuing his assault on her neck. She moaned when his lips reached that sensitive spot just below her ear.

"I'd rather stay here in bed…" she breathed. "And sleep." Her fingernails trailed down his back, sending a rush of tingles through his body.

"Ahh," he moaned, pressing kisses to her shoulder. "I'll make it up to you later. We can go out for a nice dinner," he peered up at her. "You can put on that red dress I know you packed and…we'll see where the night takes us."

She faked a surprised look. "What red dress?" she said, as seriously as she could without bursting out into laughter. "I don't know what you're talking about, _Mr. Gardner."_

He laughed planting one last lingering kiss to her lips.

/

The depositions ran smoothly. They felt like they had the upper hand again by the time they wrapped things up in the early afternoon.

They went back to the hotel and changed into casual clothes, then headed to the Georgetown campus. There were other things besides the law school he wanted to show her. They were both hoping that a look around campus might jog her memory some more.

Their first stop was Healy Hall. The crowned jewel, and also first and oldest building on campus. The large stone structure, with its high clock tower at the center, was like a fortress. The vibrant colors of fall were beginning to show in the leaves of the trees among the building.

"Its awe inspiring," she said, as they approached it.

"It is," he responded, as they entered the building.

As they continued around campus, he showed her the auditorium where they graduated, and some of their favorite places. The coffee shop that had a new name now, and the spot along the Potomac where they studied when they needed some fresh air.

"I had a difficult time concentrating when we studied out here our last semester," he admitted, as they continued to walk along the path near the Potomac.

"Why? Too much fresh air, too much going on around us?" she asked, smiling up at him.

"No. You distracted me, lying casually on the blanket, a book in your hands, the breeze blowing through your hair. All I wanted to do was make love to you under the blanket of cherry blossoms above us." He sighed, squeezing her hand lightly. "I had to settle for a few lingering kisses."

She nodded as they continued walking, enjoying the fall colors, and light breeze of the afternoon.

Later on they bought new university apparel. Their old shirts were well worn and they'd promised the kids new hats, and sweatshirts that weren't three sizes too small. They walked outside onto the Dahlgran quadrangle, the central plaza on campus, after making their purchases.

His arm wrapped tightly around her shoulder, he whispered in her ear. "I think I'm having college girl fantasies about you now."

She glanced in his direction with a seductive raise of her brow. "Well, I could dress up," she breathed, lifting the bag in her hand. He nodded pulling her closer as they continued to walk.

Shortly after, at the top of the hour, the large clock a top Healy Hall rang out. She paused right where they were. The strange sensations of memory past flowed through her body.

 _She looked around. It was a reception of some sort, people all dressed up. She turned to look at Will who was now adorned in cap and gown. She glanced down, her jeans replaced with a dark blue robe. A diploma was in her hand. She smiled, sensing someone was near and looked up. She inhaled as her father wrapped his arms around her into a hug. "I'm so proud of you sweetheart."_

 _"Daddy," she said, at the touch of a hand on hers._

She blinked her eyes, it was Will instead of her father who had a hold on her hand. The memory now stored safely away where she could retrieve it again, tears sprang from her eyes without warning.

These moments were going to take some getting used to, he thought. Her suddenly pausing, her expression going blank, the trance that her mind seemed to hold her in for a few seconds, and then the confused look that crossed her features as she came back to reality.

She looked down. "Graduation day. My father, he was here standing right in front of me." She was grateful for the memory, but saddened for the loss of the man she'd called father. She shook her head. Bringing an arm around Will's neck, she buried her face against his chest. There wasn't anything for him to do but hold her there in his embrace for a few short moments until her tears subsided.

Moments later, his forehead pressed to hers, he looked into her eyes. "Graduation was a good day." And he told her about it as they made their way to the baseball field.

"You used to sit up there with a book in your hand while I practiced." He pointed up to the worn bleachers. "That was during our first summer here. I hurt my shoulder right before playoffs in the fall." He shook his head. "My minor league ambitions destroyed in a matter of minutes."

"At least you had a good back up plan," she pointed out.

He sighed looking around the field. "Yeah, I probably wouldn't have ever made the minors anyway, but it was fun pretending."

"If it's any consolation, I don't know that I'd enjoy being married to a professional athlete. You traveling all the time might get old." She placed her arms around his neck. "I kinda like having you around." She planted a quick kiss to his lips.

A few minutes later she stood in front of the dugout as he ran out to the pitchers mound. She watched him, her arms folded across her chest, shaking her head as he wound up his arm pretending to throw a few pitches. She laughed as he raised his arms in the air as if in victory for striking his victims out. The ruthless lawyer was still a kid at heart.

He ran back towards her. A light breeze blew through her hair, and she suddenly knew. "I liked watching you pitch back then," she said, when he reached her. An understanding grin crossed his lips, more memories of him, of _their past._ Placing his baseball cap on her head, he lifted her in the air and spun her around. After placing her back on solid ground he planted a kiss to her lips before they headed off field. He rubbed his shoulder as they walked. "I'm not young anymore."

"You'll have to let me massage that for you later," she said, taking his hand into hers.

They went back to the hotel. She changed into the, _red dress_ that had been meant for their anniversary still a day away. He breathed in the sight of her giving some thought to skipping dinner again.

"No," she protested. "I won't be able to fit into this dress much longer if we keep eating dinner in the middle of the night."

After an expensive dinner, one they wouldn't have been able to afford during law school, they took a walk around the National Mall.

"It's beautiful, all lit up at night," she pointed out.

"After dark is the best time to see the monuments. Most of the tourists have gone for the night." Something else they'd learned all those years ago.

They sat on the steps at Lincoln's feet. A few other people walked past, but paid little attention to them. He put his arm around her and pulled her close. "We were sitting right here when you told me you loved me for the first time."

She turned her head to meet his loving gaze. "Really?"

He nodded. "It was spring break. We had a few days off. So we decided to take advantage of the time, and see some of the sites around the city. That night we'd been talking about the things we had to do before graduation, and all the prep we'd have to do for the Barr exam afterwards. About starting our new jobs in a city neither of us was very familiar with."

He looked off into the distance, the memories flooding his mind. "We'd been walking for a long time, and I insisted we take a break. So we stopped here and sat down to take in the view. It looked just like this. Some things haven't changed much in twenty years. I don't remember what we were talking about, but you got quiet all of a sudden. We stared at each other for a few moments, and then you just blurted it out. _"I love you Will."_

"Were you surprised?" she questioned.

"Yes, and I must have looked it. You kissed me right then as though you knew I needed time to process it. I remember thinking in that moment that what we had finally seemed real. I'd told you I loved you a few times before. I think I'd loved you from the first day I first set eyes on you. But up until that night, you and I being together had still seemed like a dream. When you admitted loving me...that was one of the best moments of my life. Somehow it made the dream a reality."

She smiled leaning her head against his. "That's a really good memory," she whispered.

When they got back to the hotel they didn't take things at a slow pace like the night before. Her recent new found thrill of making love to him had been silently burning inside her all day, and he was happy to oblige her desires.

Clothes came off quickly just inside the door to their room. She wrapped her legs around him as he lifted her and carried her to the bed. The kisses he pressed to her body were heated and intense. She moaned at the touch of his teeth against her skin. After some time of exerting themselves atop the sheets, she pressed his shoulders to the bed, sinking deeply down on him. They moved faster and faster together until she threw her head back, an audible cry escaped her lips as they both fell over the edge.

Moments later she lay breathless on his chest before peering up at him. "That was amazing!"

He chuckled. "We've perfected things over the years."

The statement caused her to laugh. "Maybe some things are more intuitive than I would have thought."

"Maybe seeing things visually, isn't the only way you remember them," he countered.

She rested her head on his chest again. He pulled the blanket up to cover them. She lay there for a few minutes on top of him, feeling the gentle rise and fall of his chest. His fingers ran smoothly through her hair.

"What's it like Leesh, to remember things?"

She contemplated this for a few moments. "It's a mix of things. Sometimes I just remember as if I'd never forgotten. If it's just a thought, such as, me suddenly knowing we had bantered back and forth about taking the stairs verses the elevator at the library, then it's just that, recalling a thought."

She peered up at him. "But sometimes, the emotions, and feelings are intense. If say for instance it's something like today where I thought my father was standing in front of me giving me a hug, it seems very real. It's as if I'm living that moment all over again. Feeling the same emotions, having the same thoughts, even the environment is the same. Today when it happened I could feel the sun beating down on my face, the wind blowing through my hair, just as it must have been that day. But as you know, today was overcast." She shifted to a sitting position.

"I'm grateful to have some recollection of the past. Up to this point the really vivid memories, accompanied by the emotions have all been good ones. But what happens when I get sad or unhappy memories back?" She looked down at him. "For instance, what if I end up remembering my father's funeral? I'll either just remember it, or it might come back to me as though I was experiencing it for the first time. I'm not looking forward to reliving some of the sad things from my life. But there's no way for me to control when the memories will come back, and how they will manifest themselves."

He sat up and put his arm around her. He felt like he understood her concern, and it made him a little nervous as well. If she relived some of the fights they'd had, some of the major disappointments in their lives, or...Kate's death, what would that really be like for her? Would she hold the anger, sadness, or pain that came along with those events? She'd burst out in tears at the memory of her father earlier in the day, and he'd still been alive at that point in her memory.

"If that happens, we'll work through it," he said, encouragingly.

She sighed a breath of relief, and rested her head on his shoulder. It wasn't worth worrying about. There was no way to know what other memories she would get back.

Awhile later they were sitting together in bed reading, he a book, and she her journal. "Listen to this," she said, reading out loud some of her written words.

"I've been pleasantly surprised the past few days working on this group project for criminal law. I thought I'd have to pull most of the weight to get a decent grade, but Will Gardner has proved to be much smarter, and more helpful than his reputation would lead one to believe. I even find his jokes to be funny. Maybe it's because of his dry realistic sense of humor that sadly goes over some people's heads, but that I find quite amusing. Other people in our group can't always tell if he's being serious or not. At least I'm not dreading our study session tomorrow."

He chuckled. "See I am funny, and you've always thought so."

She smiled placing a hand to his chin. "I haven't said you weren't in the past six months." She placed a kiss to his nose before returning to her reading.

A few minutes later, she had some more to share with him. "My father always says the hard work will pay off. He better be right. Spending the Fourth of July doing work for senior attorneys so they could spend the holiday with their families, wasn't exactly what I had planned for today.

At least Will was kind enough to come rescue me from the office so I could catch some of the amazing fireworks the nation's capital has to offer. He'd even packed a picnic for us because he's always worried I never eat enough. It was a good evening. I'm glad his summer internship ended up being here. He seems to be one of the few people who can keep my head above water and keep me from drowning in school and work. He forces me to have fun, or maybe it's just fun to be around him. I'm glad we're becoming better friends."

She looked over at him after finishing the last paragraph. "That was sweet, you bringing a picnic dinner for us to share."

He chuckled. "Well if you consider a backpack filled with sandwiches from the deli down the street from my apartment, cookies I found hidden away in the pantry, and two beers I stole from my roommate a picnic, then yes, I guess it was sweet." He took her hand. "I practically had to drag you out of that law firm that night."

"You still don't think I eat enough," she said, with a gentle smile.

"You don't," he laughed. "I'm still trying to figure out what got into you last night, finishing off your plate, and then continuing to ask me if I was going to finish my own food." He smiled, becoming a bit animated. _"_ _Are you going to finish those blueberries, Will. Can I have the other half of that pancake?_ _"_ He chuckled.

She giggled. "You made me very hungry last night! And…you're a slow eater. I had more pressing things to do last night besides watching you eat."

"Does that mean I should be expecting round two later on tonight?"

She wanted to laugh, but managed to stay calm giving him a seductive look. "I'll let you know if I need dessert in awhile."

He nodded, and they returned to their reading.

A few minutes later she sighed with a little laugh. "Listen to this. Julia is driving me crazy. She thinks Will and I should start dating, and she won't give it up." Will laughed. "I've tried to explain to her a thousand times that we're just friends. She always says "Who better to date than your best friend." That's exactly the point. Why would I want to screw up a good friendship by dating? Will asked me out a few weeks ago. Of course I refused. Julia was beside herself when she found out, but I don't care. I like having someone to talk to, study with, hang out with, and not having to worry about the status of our relationship, or where it's headed. It's easier, no it's better this way." She put the book down and looked at Will.

"She was right you know," he commented.

"In the end she was right. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out between us if we had dated our 2L year, but we'll never know."

He leaned over and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "No we won't. And I'd rather not think about not being with you."

Not long after she chuckled. "I'm a little surprised I was able to pull off a surprise birthday party for you." She looked over to him again. He laughed. "What's so funny?"

He took her hand. "Since we're being honest with each other, I'll just go ahead and tell you that you didn't really surprise me."

"Oh really? You just led me to believe I had?" she grinned with raised brow.

"Yes. It was so sweet, and you were so excited about being able to pull one over on me, that I didn't want to burst your bubble. One of the guys you'd invited to the party let it slip by accident the day before. Otherwise I would have never found out. That was one of the more memorable birthdays I've had. It was a Saturday. You came over and made me breakfast. You watched some baseball with me, and gave me a good back rub while we did so. You ordered in pizza for lunch. I liked having your full attention for hours that day." He shifted, putting his arm around her.

"Later in the afternoon you said you had plans to take me to dinner, but that you wanted to shower first. So you left my apartment with instructions that I was to pick you up at six. Of course I knew we weren't really going anywhere for dinner, and the real reason you had to leave my apartment was so you could get home to set things up for the party. I pretended to be really surprised when I got there. I couldn't help it. The pleased smile on your face was priceless."

He pulled her closer. "And you stuck right by my side the entire night, making sure I was having a good time, refilling my drink when I needed, it was like being king for a day. But, you know what the best part of that entire evening was?"

"What?"

"After everyone left, Julia went to bed, and it was just you and I together on the couch in your front room. Those were some of the times I liked the most, when it was just you and I doing nothing but talking. All your efforts to surprise me weren't for not. You did end up surprising me with a gift."

"A Derek Jeter rookie baseball card," she stated. She'd just read about it.

"Yes. It was his rookie year and watching him play made me think there was a lot of potential in his future. So did everyone else, which made finding the card difficult. You spent a month looking for one."

"That's the one you have framed on the shelf in your office?"

"Yes, because when I look at it, it reminds me of that day." He smiled. "If I remember correctly, that was also the first night we fell asleep together. I'd fallen asleep on your couch a few times before that, but that night we talked really late. You fell asleep on me, and I decided to stay put instead of leaving in the middle of the night." He chuckled. "I will never forget the look on Julia's face when she came into the living room that morning and found us sprawled on the couch tougher. It took a lot of will power for her to keep from cheering out loud. I think she thought we had changed our minds about dating."

She settled down next to him. "What do you want to do for your birthday this year? It's in a few weeks."

He wrapped her arm around her more tightly. "I don't know, maybe dinner, cake with the kids. We don't have to make a big deal of it."

She placed her hand to his cheek. "Okay, whatever you want." She pressed a kiss to his lips. If he didn't have strong feelings about it, she would take the matter into her own hands. He deserved something special this year after everything they'd been through.

"Mmm," she sighed pulling back a bit. "I think I might be ready for my dessert now!" Her hand moved under his shirt, making its way to his chest. They settled comfortably next to each other.

"You're going to wear me out Leesh. Completely wear me out," he said, pressing a fervent kiss to her lips.


	28. Changes

Alicia had just finished wiping down the counter after dinner. She moved over to Will who was standing near the table listening to something Zach was telling him about school. He immediately put his arm around her waist as she leaned closer to whisper in his ear.

"I'm going to go call Julia. Go ahead and get the game started before I'm back if the kids want."

He nodded, running his hand over her back, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek before she moved away from him.

Grace had been watching her parents all day. Things had seemed different between them ever since they'd come home from their trip the previous evening. They seemed happier than they had in a long time. She noticed how Will had seemed to find reasons to wrap an arm around Alicia, to give her a quick kiss on her cheek, or whisper something in her ear that made her giggle. Although she wasn't quite old enough to understand everything about love and marriage, she was beginning to understand that love wasn't just about hugs and kisses, and doing things for people to show them your love. Her parents behavior during the day reminded her of how they used to be before everything had started to change the previous winter.

Will and Alicia had always shown affection for one another in front of the kids. Grace remembered how she and Zach used to complain sometimes when they acted like this, if they were waiting to watch a movie or play a game with their parent's. She recalled one day about a year ago when they were going to watch a movie together. She and Zach had gone into the kitchen to get the popcorn, and see what was taking their parents so long. Will and Alicia were sharing a kiss when they walked in.

 _Zach grabbed the bowl of popcorn off the counter, and turned to his parents "Seriously you guys. Break it up or take it upstairs." The comment had caused Will and Alicia to break to the kiss and look at him. "There are still kids in this house you know," Zach continued, glancing over to Grace. Will and Alicia couldn't help but laugh a bit at his comment as the two kids headed back out of the kitchen._

 _Will called after them. "Zach, someday you'll be in love too. Just remember this day when your mother and I catch you kissing a girl late at night on the sofa in there."_

 _Zach whirled around. "Dad, first of all, I'm not dating until college. Girls are crazy. And second, do you really think I'd kiss a girl in this house where you and mom might see me?"_

 _This caused both Will and Alicia to laugh again. Alicia moved over to Zach and put her arm around him as they walked into the family room. "Buddy, someday I hope you treat a girl the same way your dad treats me."_

After Alicia had gone upstairs, Grace continued to watch Will who was distracted by the conversation he was having with Zach. It seemed like things were back to normal for everyone but her. Her parents were acting normal, Zach was acting normal. Maybe that's what had been bothering her all day. Zach didn't seem to care that Alicia didn't pack notes in his lunch anymore. Or that she hadn't woken him up early on his birthday a few months ago with a donut and a candle to blow out just as the clock turned to the same minute he was born on. He didn't seem to care that they hadn't had a girls against boys basketball game in the driveway since her accident. He didn't seem to miss Alicia singing the silly song she'd made up years ago when one of them was upset. The song didn't ever fix anything, but it always made them feel better. And Zach wouldn't miss an afternoon of shopping and lunch with Alicia, because he hated shopping, and that was something special that just she and Alicia liked to do. Zach still had his father to talk sports with, and watch the games with on Saturday afternoons. Yes, she thought, it seemed like everyone had their old life back except for her.

She knew it wasn't Alicia's fault that she didn't remember some of the things she'd like to do most with her mother. She felt a little guilty for feeling angry about it now. But recently she'd grown tired of having to tell Alicia about all the things they used to do together. She'd really enjoyed having her grandmother there for a week. Someone who did remember all the things she liked. She was sad her grandmother was going home the next day.

Awhile later, Alicia was telling Julia about the anniversary trip when Grace knocked on her door to tell her they were starting the games.

"Okay honey, I'll be down in a few minutes. You guys play the first round without me."

"I'm going to be grandma's partner tonight." She waited for a reaction from Alicia.

"Okay, that's fine. I can be Dad or Zach's partner, or just play on my own." They looked at each other for a moment. Alicia couldn't quite understand the expression on Grace's face. It looked like she wanted to say more.

"Is there something else you wanted to tell me?"

"No," Grace turned around and left the room. Alicia got back to her discussion with Julia.

She had just finished telling Julia about her experience in getting some of her memories back at the library, and had then admitted to sleeping with Will when Grace had interrupted them. Julia was overjoyed with all of the news.

"I thought it might happen while you two were away. So...how was it?"

Alicia blushed at the mere thought of the past five days. "It..was… good. Really good!" she chuckled, knowing that wouldn't even come close to a satisfying answer for Julia.

Julia sighed loud enough for Alicia to hear over the phone. "And? I don't need details Alicia, but you've got to give me something."

Alicia glanced at the photo of she and Will on the chest of drawers. "It was incredible Jules. I was nervous, and I told Will that. I mean I was excited, all the emotions, the feelings. But I was still worried about…getting it right. But he made me feel loved and secure by taking things slow. There seemed to be meaning and intention with every touch and kiss. His focus on making me feel comfortable both emotionally and physically made it a more memorable experience. I think it was more meaningful for both us, waiting for so long, spending time getting to know each other, and the memories coming back. I think we're both still on a high from the whole trip."

"I'm happy for you Leesh. I bet Will can barely keep his hands off you now. He's probably acting like he did our last semester of school," she giggled.

"Oh come on, he couldn't have been that bad," Alicia replied.

Julia laughed out loud. "Alicia, he was that bad. He'd waited so long to date you that sometimes I think he put his arm around you, or gave you a kiss, just to claim his territory in front of other guys. Don't get me wrong, it was adorable. But Will was a man who had clearly fallen head over heals in love."

"Well, Will isn't the only one who can't keep his hands to himself," she admitted. "There was something very freeing about finally sleeping together, and I can't seem to get enough of him." She'd never dare admit that to anyone but Will and Julia.

Julia laughed again. "See if you two can get that under control by the time I see you in December. Your poor kids!" She teased.

"We try to keep things to a minimum around the kids," Alicia replied, laughing under her breath. "And now that we're home, we'll have to get back to life. Work might be a real struggle tomorrow. I do think things are better between us now."

"How was the rest of your trip?"

"It was good. We stayed at this place near the beach. Went and saw some historical sites, went out to eat, you know we just relaxed." It felt as though she could still feel the breeze and light spray of the ocean on her skin. The last three days of their trip had been pure bliss. Spending as much time in bed as they wanted, taking long walks along the shore.

"Mmhm, relaxed. I know what that's code for," Julia laughed again.

"Julia!" Alicia tried to sound appalled, but failed miserably.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. What did you do on your anniversary?"

Alicia smiled running the necklace that hung around her neck through her fingers. "We ordered room service for breakfast. We went for a walk along the beach. That night we went to this quiet little restaurant tucked away along the shore that had outdoor seating. The weather was gorgeous. Will gave me a beautiful necklace."

"I can't wait to see it. You'll have to send me a picture. He is definitely a man with good taste, and always has been."

"It looks expensive," Alicia responded, a bit less enthusiastically.

"I'm sure it was. He only buys top quality for you.'

"He spoils me Julia. I almost feel guilty. He doesn't need to buy me expensive gifts."

"Don't feel guilty Alicia. He does it because he loves you, and wants you to be happy. He considers you his equal in everything. But it makes him proud to be able to provide for you and the kids, and buy you expensive gifts sometimes. Whether you realize it or not, you spoil him too, just in different ways."

Alicia considered this for a few moments. "Yeah, I guess I see what you mean. I need to go. Will's mom is leaving in the morning. They're all waiting for me downstairs to play some games."

"Okay, talk to you soon Leesh."

Alicia made her way back downstairs where the games were well under way, and sat next to Will. Grace moved closer to her grandmother. Alicia noticed that she'd seemed quite attached to Will's mother the entire day. Anytime she had offered to help Grace with anything, she'd insisted her grandmother could do it with her. As the evening went on, it seemed as though Grace was almost avoiding Alicia for no apparent reason. When it was time for bed, she specifically asked that her grandmother read with her instead of Alicia.

Alicia felt silly for feeling a little jealous. But she'd grown to really enjoy her time reading with one or both of the kids at night. She did her best to let it go, assuming that once Will's mother was gone Grace would have more use for her again. At least Zach had given her a good hug before he'd gone up to bed. He was getting taller. She would have sworn that he'd grown an inch or two while she and Will had been gone.

Later on Alicia went up to bed, and left Will with a little time to talk to his mother. He had a good relationship with her, and Alicia was grateful for the good influence she'd seemed to have on him.

"It's good to see you and Alicia doing so well. I think some time away together did both of you some good." The older woman raised a brow to him.

Will smiled. Was it really that obvious that their trip had been beneficial for both of them in many ways? "It was good for us. Thank you for staying with the kids."

"I can't begin to imagine what this has been like for both of you. But I'm glad to see that you're both working through it together. You're lucky to have each other."

"We're getting along. There are still a lot of things to work through, but I think we'll be okay." He took a sip of his drink.

His mother remained quiet, but held a gentle gaze on him. Will thought it a bit curious the look she was giving him. "Mom, is something wrong? You've been giving that look all day."

She smiled, and looked as though she were about to cry. "No, nothing's wrong. I just can't believe how much you remind me of your father the older you get." Will's father had passed away a few years earlier.

A gentle smile crossed his lips. "Yeah, the older the kids get the more I think about how he handled different situations with us growing up." He looked away. "Sometimes I wish he were still here so I could ask him things like what I'm supposed to do when Grace decides she doesn't like sports anymore. And Zach wants to take my car on his date, because his isn't cool enough." He sighed, and leaned back against the couch cushions. "I sure could have used some of his perspective on marriage this past year."

His mother reached her hand to his chin so he'd look at her. "Honey, you've been dealt a difficult hand. You and Alicia both have. You're a good father, and a wonderful husband. And I'm not just saying that because I'm your mother. It's evident in the way Alicia and the kids are around you. Your father would be proud of who you are, and how you've handled things these past months. Weaker men would have thrown in the towel a long time ago."

"Thanks mom,"

She nodded. "I'm going up now. I still need to pack a few things. Sara called last week, and said she and the kids were coming home for Thanksgiving. Why don't you bring Alicia and the kids out? I'm sure Aubrey will be there. I'd like to have all of you under one roof for a change."

"I'll talk to Alicia, but I don't see any reason why we can't come."

"Good. I'll see you in the morning," she stood and went upstairs.

* * *

A few days later, Alicia caught a glimpse of the scar on her stomach in the mirror when she got out of the shower. She'd paid little attention to it in the past months. She hadn't even asked Will about it, assuming it had been from a c-section giving birth to Grace or Zach. But the previous week after Will had explained the reason they didn't need contraception, and that the scar had come from giving birth to Kate, it seemed like the mark on her stomach had become a bold sign telling her she'd never be able to carry a child again. A constant reminder that she may never remember what if felt like to have a baby growing inside of her.

It hadn't bothered her at first. Will explained that after Kate's birth the doctors told them there had been significant damage to Alicia's body, and that it was unlikely she could conceive and carry a child again. Months after the birth, and finally pulling their lives back together again, she and Will had decided they didn't want to take a chance at Alicia getting pregnant again for fear that the same thing might happen. So instead of putting Alicia through more surgery to permanently prevent pregnancy, Will had a vasectomy done.

Will had also explained that in many ways that decision had made things easier on them. That it was freeing in many ways to not have to worry about the possibility of pregnancy, and having to try and raise an infant at middle age.

Alicia understood his reasons - their reasons. It would change their whole lives if they had another child at this point. But that didn't curb the deep sadness that she'd felt about the reality of it over the past week.

Later in the day Will had taken the kids to practice some baseball. Alicia went down to the basement to get some paper towels for the kitchen from the storage room.

She hadn't spent much time in the unfinished basement. Just long enough to grab a bottle of wine, or some other small item they kept down there. She grabbed the paper towel roll off the shelf, and glanced around at some of the other items on the shelving. There were a few boxes labeled Christmas, a few with law school written on them. A few boxes on the top shelf with the kid's names on them caught her attention. According to the labels the boxes held some of the kids' baby things.

She reached and pulled them from the shelf, and noticed one more box tucked away behind them. The box was smaller and had Kate's name on it. She stared at it for a minute wondering if she should even remove it from the shelf. Who knew what that particular box might hold? Maybe it had been placed behind the others and out of sight for a reason.

On the other hand, maybe it was time for her to ask Will what had really gone on the day Kate died. All Will had told her the few times it had come up was that there had been some complications. But if she wasn't ever going to be able to experience carrying a child again, or know what it was like to raise an infant, or for that matter a preschooler, she wanted to know exactly why.

She carried the boxes upstairs and put Zach and Grace's on the coffee table. It might be fun to go through them with the kids. She carried Kate's box upstairs and put it on the shelf in her closet. She'd ask Will about it later once the kids had gone to bed.

After dinner the plan had been to look through the boxes with the kids. But when Alicia brought it up again, Grace was less than enthusiastic.

"I'm kind of tired tonight? I'd rather just go up to my room for awhile." Her eyes remained on Will, but Alicia responded.

"Um, sure. Maybe we can do it tomorrow?" Alicia suggested, glancing at Will.

"I don't really want to look at my stuff. Can I go upstairs now?"

"Yeah sure," Alicia said, a bit disappointed. Grace headed for the stairs. Alicia turned her attention to Zach.

"What about you Zach?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Sure, but can I go up and take a shower first? Grace took so long when we got back, I didn't have a chance before dinner."

Alicia nodded. "Yes. That will be great."

"Okay. Thanks for dinner mom. It was good." He passed between his parents and headed upstairs.

Will moved in front of Alicia, wrapping her up in his arms. Her arms remained folded across her chest. He leaned in to kiss her, but she didn't kiss him back.

"What's wrong?" he asked. "I can almost see the wheels spinning in your head."

"How was Grace today with you?"

He furrowed his brow. "Just fine. Why?"

"Did she say much? Act like she was interested in practicing?"

"Yes. As usual, on the drive to and from the park, Zach and I were barely allowed to say anything. She was pretty engaged while we practiced."

Alicia pulled away from him. "Then why do you suppose she's barely talked to me all week? Every time I've tried to engage her in a conversation she won't give me more than a one or two word answer. She's wanted to spend nearly all of her free time up in her room this week, and she hasn't wanted to cook with me at all the past few days. She never misses a chance to cook with me."

He put his arms around her again. "I don't know. But I wouldn't worry about it. This happened when Zach started to get older. I think it's just their way of asserting more independence. Figuring out what they do and don't want. I'll bet in a few days she'll be down her rambling away again." He kissed her forehead, but noticed she didn't look convinced. "Leesh, she's fine. She's just growing up."

"Okay, but if she's still acting like this tomorrow, I'm talking to her about it."

"Okay." His eye remained on her, his hands moved in soothing circles over her back. 'Now, I can help you with the dishes, or," he pulled her closer to him. "We could go upstairs and take advantage of the few minutes of quiet the kids just offered us." He leaned in and pressed a firm kiss to her lips.

"I like the sound of that," she whispered in between kisses. "But we'll have to be quick." She pressed another kiss to his lips.

"You'll have to be quiet," he breathed, pressing his lips to her neck which caused her to inhale.

"I'm not the only one who will have to be quiet," she giggled softly.


	29. Kate

**A/N; Thank you all so much for your continued support! This chapter takes place on the same day as the last chapter ended. I know it's extremely long, but I felt it really needed the length to cover what I wanted.** **Some of you might want a tissue or two for this one.**

Will entered the dimly lit bedroom, threading his arms under Alicia's, peering over her shoulder. She was staring at a framed family photo on their dresser. He often found her doing this, staring at pictures with a look of concentration on her face, leading him to believe she was searching her memory for any bit of recollection. Numerous times he'd thought about how strange it must be for her to see herself in photos, but not be able to recall any of the events that had led to the photo being taken.

She turned in his embrace wrapping her arms around his neck. She loved feeling the warmth of his body next to hers.

"I think Zach enjoyed going through his things tonight," she said.

"Yes. And I think Grace enjoyed some of the stories I told, even if she didn't want to look at her things." Will said softly, pulling her closer.

"It was fun to see his little clothes, some of his favorite books, his old teddy bear and baby blankets." She sighed, looking away from him. "I just wish I could remember some of it."

"Hey, I'll bet in time some of it will come back to you," he replied, running his hands soothingly over her back.

She leaned closer to him resting her head on his shoulder. Even though it had been a good day, she still felt sad about not remembering any of her three pregnancies, or Zach and Grace's early years.

Sensing her mood, he tightened his hold around her. "Alicia, what's wrong? Are you still worried about Grace?"

A few tears slipped from her eyes, as she pulled out of his grasp, moving closer to the bed.

Surprised at her tears, he reached for her hand. "Leesh, Grace is going to be fine. Why all the tears?" he said, gently.

She wiped at the few tears on her face. "It's not Grace. I'm sorry. I really hate how easily my emotions seem to get the better of me sometimes."

He embraced her again, using his own hand to gently wipe away more of her tears. "You don't need to be sorry. Tell me what's wrong."

"I'm sad Will. I feel like I missed out on one of the great milestones of becoming a mother."

"Being pregnant?" he questioned.

"Yes, and raising them. You told me our reasons for taking pregnancy out of the picture. I understand those reasons. But right now I'm upset about it. I don't like how…definitive that decision is. It makes me sad and angry that I may never remember carrying three full term babies - our children," she said in frustration, as a few more tears escaped her eyes.

It had come out more bitter than she'd meant. She immediately felt bad for her reaction. His eyes filled with heartache. "Alicia, I don't know what to do to make that better, other than to just keep waiting to see if some of the memories come back." It made him sad that she felt this way. This was one of the most difficult things for him, not being able to bring back some of the memories she wanted most.

Her voice softened. "Will, I don't need you to make it better. I'm not upset at you, just the circumstances. Maybe you can help me understand it better - our decision." He looked back into her eyes. She reached her arms around his shoulders again. "I know it would be difficult for you. But…would you tell me about Kate? I'd like to know exactly what happened to us that day."

He sighed looking down at the floor again. His arms tightened around her. "Yes, I'll tell you. There's a box of her things downstairs. We should bring it up first."

"I found it along with the others today. It's in my closet."

"Did you look inside of it?" He sighed heavily, pulling away from her running a hand through his hair as if he were upset.

The sudden change in his demeanor surprised her. "I...no. I wanted to wait for you." His back was towards her, his hands on his hips. "Will, I'm sorry. I should have left it where I found it."

He turned around, his features had softened again. He put his hands on her waist. "No Leesh. You don't need to be sorry. It's not that."

"Then what?"

He sighed again. "My parent's were here when she died. My mother was just trying to be helpful, and took some photos of Kate, unbeknownst to me at the time. She thought we'd like to have some later on. She got a few shots of her tiny feet and hands. A few of her all bundled up. She took a few shots of me holding Kate while I was waiting for you to wake up from surgery. And she took a few more of you and I and the baby after you woke up."

He folded his arms across his chest. "When I realized what she was doing, I was furious. I overreacted and blew up at her. It was out of line. But I was a wreck. Our child had died. You had come close to dying, and I'd just had to tell you the baby had died. At the time, I couldn't believe she was taking photos as if everything was all right. I told her to get rid of them after I'd blown up at her. She told me she would. But you called her later that night and asked her to keep them. That even if I didn't want photos of the baby, you did."

He smiled at her running his hand over her arm. "She put together a beautiful album with the photos in it. It's in Kate's box. It took a long time for me to understand why we would want to have that kind of reminder. But eventually I was glad we had them. I'm even more grateful now under the circumstances. It's just that whenever I see the photos, I'm reminded of how awful I was to her that day."

He placed his hand to her cheek. "I've done some things in my life that I'm not exactly proud of, and that is one of them. My reaction a minute ago wasn't that I would be upset if you had looked at Kate's things. It was a reaction to my own feelings, and uncertainty as to how you might react to seeing pictures of her."

He pulled her closer again. "I'll go get the box, and tell you what happened."

"Are you sure? We can wait if you want," she said, softly. She could see in his eyes how painful this was for him.

"Yes, I'm sure. Its not that I don't want to tell you, I do. You should know what happened. It's just that I get really emotional even thinking about it. That was one of the worst days of our lives." He brushed his hand over her cheek. "I'm sorry I can't just make all the memories come back for you, at least the good ones."

"I know you are, and that means a lot to me. I remembered something today from a few months back. The day we met with Dr. Benson for the first time, and we went to that park afterwards." He nodded affirmatively.

"That day as we were walking, I had a memory come back. I didn't realize it was a memory at the time because I didn't know about Kate. You and I were sitting on a bench in the park. Grace and Zach were playing on the grass in front of us. I was pregnant. That was the part I didn't understand at the time." She wrapped her arms around his neck again. "The thing I remember most about that memory was how happy I felt sitting there with you. How happy we both seemed."

He managed a little smile. "We were happy Leesh. Let's get the box."

She nodded. He let go of her and made his way to the closet. He returned a few moments later and sat next to her. The keepsake box was lavender in color. A light purple satin bow lay on the front of the flap that opened the lid. "When Grace was born a lot of her things had hints of pink. So when we found out we were having another girl, you decided that lavender would be best," Will said, lifting the lid to the box. Sitting on top were some drawings. Will lifted the papers out.

"These are some pictures Grace drew for her. She had just turned four, and was excited to be a big sister."

Alicia read the words across the top that were written in her own handwriting. The first read, _Me and my baby sister Kate_. Alicia smiled at the two stick figures, with their triangle dresses, crooked smiles, and messy hair. The other picture was a drawing of the entire family. Across the top it read, _Our family going to the park_. This paper had five stick figures drawn on it. "Her favorite place to go was the park. She was excited to show her sister the slide, and the baby swing there." Will said.

"The pictures are adorable," Alicia said.

Will pulled out a plush baseball. "This had been Zach's. He had really wanted a little brother. After we finished the nursery he put the ball in her crib because he thought there were too many girl things in her room. He had all kinds of plans to teach her how to play ball before Grace taught her to play with dolls."

Alicia chuckled looking over at him. "You and Zach have managed to keep Grace interested in sports."

"Yes, at least for now. But with every passing year, she seems to become less and less interested."

Next Alicia lifted a tiny baby bracelet with a little silver heart charm from the box. "It's so small," she commented, turning the bracelet through her fingers.

Will nodded. "In with your other jewelry, you have a necklace with a heart pennant that has two smaller hearts cut out of it. Grace has a bracelet just like Kate's, only bigger. The hearts on their bracelets fit into the ones on your necklace." He sighed, running his hand over his chin. "It was my Mother's Day gift for you that year." His gaze met hers. Her eyes were moist again.

"I'm already crying and you haven't even told me what happened yet. It's beautiful." She reached her hand to his chin and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

Moments later, they sat comfortably next to each other, the box on his lap. "You were thirty-nine weeks along." He smiled shaking his head. "We were so happy Leesh. The pregnancy had gone smoothly, the kids were healthy. It had been one of the best years for the firm up to that point. We were all excited to welcome another member into the family. You printed out a photo every month and taped it to the refrigerator so the kids could see how big she was getting. We talked about her so much, what it would be like once she was here, the rules of having a baby around with the kids, that it practically seemed like she was already living in the house outside of your womb."

He took her hand into his. "You and I would lie together in bed at night, my hand on your stomach so I'd be able to feel her move around. We'd talk about how tired we'd be, and how we'd have to get used to changing diapers again. Since she was going to be our last, you had decided you were going to cut back on work for a year so you'd have more time with all three of them."

His smile disappeared. His eyes filled with heartache. "We were all ready for her to come. Her car seat and your bag for the hospital had been in the car for two weeks." He lifted from the box a soft lavender and white polka dot outfit and headband. The bow on the headband matched the bows on the small outfit. "This is the outfit she was supposed to come home from the hospital in." He got choked up and had to swallow hard before continuing. "She never wore it."

Alicia took the outfit out of his hands. Laying it on her lap she ran her fingers over the tiny bows shaking her head. She didn't know what was more difficult. Seeing how emotional this made Will, or hearing about it all.

Will continued. "The night before she was born your back started bothering you. That should have been a sign that something was wrong, but your back always hurt some at the end of the day during the later weeks of pregnancy. We didn't even think twice about it. The next morning it was still bothering you. We figured she'd just moved lower and would probably come in the next few days."

 _/_

 _Alicia padded into the bathroom her hands at her lower back. Will had just stepped out of the shower._

 _I didn't sleep very well last night," she said, placing her hands on the countertop staring into the he mirror. "I look awful today," she sighed._

 _Will chuckled, threading his arms through hers resting his hands on the swollen bump at her middle. He'd never get over how perfect she was with her round belly carrying his child. "I think you are beautiful," he said, softly. He leaned closer placing a soft kiss to her neck._

 _She smiled, but rolled her eyes. "You always say that. And normally I believe it. But today I'm tired, my back still hurts, and I feel fat. It would be okay with me if this kid decided to make an appearance in the next few days." She sighed leaning back against him._

 _"Why don't you stay home today and rest?"_

 _She turned to face him placing her arms around his neck. "No. I have a few things to tie up before she comes. And I'm sure I'll feel better once I've been up for awhile. I'm going to cheat today and have a very large cup of coffee. I'm sure one cup won't do her any harm. And her mother is tired of drinking juice while her father drinks coffee in front of us every morning. What happened to you cutting back while I was pregnant anyway?" she giggled._

 _He chuckled. "I tried. Remember?"_

 _This caused her to laugh even more. "Uhhuh. That was some effort. Two whole days you lasted!"_

 _She was absolutely right, and he couldn't deny it. "I'll make you some coffee after I get dressed." He kissed the top of her head and pulled away form her. "I'll be in court all morning. Don't overdo it. Make sure you come home if you're not feeling better in awhile."_

 _She smiled and headed for the closet. "I'll be fine. You better hurry or you'll be late."_

 _She peered over to him a few moments later. "And don't you dare call Diane on your way to court and tell her to keep an eye on me."_

 _He chuckled reaching for a shirt. "I don't need to call her. We have an unspoken agreement that she keep an eye on you when I'm not around during these last few weeks." Alicia rolled her eyes as he slipped his arms into his shirt._

 _Just before he left he captured her in his embrace. "I love you," he said, pulling her as close as he could placing a kiss to her lips. "And I love you too little one," he pulled away, gently patting his hand on her stomach before returning to the closet to grab a tie._

 _"We love you too daddy," Alicia replied, heading back into the bathroom._

 _The pain in her back grew worse as the morning progressed. Shortly after arriving at work, she began to experience a contraction about every forty five minutes. No wonder she felt awful. She was probably in early labor. But if this pregnancy was anything like the others they still had hours before she'd really need to be at the hospital. Since they had everything they needed in Will's car, she decided to stay at work and wait for him to get a lunch break. The hospital was closer to work than their house anyway._

 _Late in the morning she was in Diane's office to go over a few of cases she'd be handling for Alicia while she was out. When she got up to leave she grabbed onto the back of the chair inhaling._

 _"Alicia, are you all right?" Diane asked, concerned._

 _Alicia exhaled, managing a smile. "Yes, I've had a few contractions this morning, nothing to worry about." She glanced at her watch. "Will should be finished soon, and we'll go to the hospital. It's just early labor pains. It always lasts for hours."_

 _Diane was not convinced and went to stand next to her. "Early labor? Alicia, you should be headed for the hospital. Not here working."_

 _Alicia mustered a smile. "Diane, its fine. Will knows, and the contractions are still very far apart. If they start to come closer together I'll go to the hospital. I'd rather be here than stuck in a hospital bed anyway."_

 _"Okay, but I think you should go lie down. No more work. I'm officially putting you maternity leave right now."_

 _Alicia chuckled. "Okay. But really there's nothing to worry about. The pain is gone now." She turned and headed back to her office._

 _She tried to relax, but being nine months pregnant made it nearly impossible to find a comfortable resting position. Thirty minutes later things began to take a turn for the worse. Her contractions were coming at more frequent intervals, and growing more painful. She sent a message to Will._

 _\- I think you better come get me. Things are progressing quicker than I expected. If you're not here in fifteen minutes I'll have Diane take me to the hospital, and you can meet us there. I love you! -_

 _A minute later he wrote her back._

 _\- On my way. I love you too. -_

 _She set her phone down, and decided she was thirsty. With the contractions coming closer together she knew she should probably stick to sucking on ice just in case something completely unexpected happened, and they had to rush her into surgery at the hospital._

 _She stood with the intentions of going on the hunt for some ice in the break room. As she stood she cried out in pain, doubling over grabbing onto the edge of her desk for support._

 _The pain in her back was excruciating. It felt like someone had stabbed a very sharp object into her. Her stomach tightened, and it felt as though a cluster of strong contractions hit her one right after the other. It took a few seconds for her to catch her breath. She inhaled as much air as she could as if she'd just been under water for too long._

 _Regaining some of her senses, trying to fight through the agonizing pain, she could feel a warm liquid on her inner thighs. Assuming her water had broken she moved the few steps back to the couch to sit down. She collapsed against the cushions crying out as the searing pain overtook her body again. Feeling more liquid on her thighs she reached a shaky hand to the small throw across the arm of the couch._

 _Hearing Alicia, Diane rushed in to see what was wrong. "Laura, call 911," she yelled to her assistant. Approaching Alicia, she took the throw out of her shaky hand, and did her best to place it under Alicia's legs._

 _Kalinda happened to be passing by the office at that moment and hurried in to help Diane. "Call Will, go find some towels, and close the door. No one else needs to see this," Diane said._

 _Tears streaming down her cheeks, Alicia grasped onto Diane's arm, inhaling and clenching her eyes shut as another contraction came on._

 _"I think my water broke," she gasped, when the contraction had passed. But as she opened her eyes and glanced down towards her legs, panic set in. Now she could see the red stained fabric of the couch and her dress._

 _She took in a breath of air, her eyes widened. "I'm bleeding!" she gasped in panic. "I need another towel!" Kalinda handed her one. Alicia pressed the towel in between her legs. Another contraction hit._

" _The baby! We have to stop the bleeding!" Alicia cried. She tried to catch her breath again, but it was nearly impossible the pain was so great. Her body began to shiver._

 _The other two women were doing their best to help, and trying to keep her calm. Diane placed another pillow behind her back. "Alicia, the paramedics are on their way." Diane said, taking her hand into her own._

 _When another contraction had passed, Alicia lifted her hands that had been holding the towel in place. She inhaled, and was horrified by the sight of the blood that stained them. "I need to get the hospital," she breathed, attempting to calm down. She pulled her arm from Diane's grasp, and tried to shift to place her feet to the floor._

 _"Whoa Alicia," Diane put a firm hand to her shoulder to prevent her from standing. "We need to wait for the paramedics."_

 _Pain stabbed through her body again. Her hands went to her stomach. "But the baby!" she sobbed, looking desperately at Diane. She tried to take in a few deep breaths. "Where's Will? I need Will." Fear and anxiety overtaking her, her body continued to shiver. She was quickly going into shock._

/

Will paused briefly, taking in a breath, a failed attempt at keeping tears from forming in his eyes. He took Alicia's hand into his. "Everything happened so fast. One minute I was on my way to the office to pick you up thinking we had hours until the baby would come, and three minutes later Kalinda called and said there was an emergency. I got there just as the paramedics did, and followed them into your office."

He looked away from her staring at the other side of the room. His thumb ran smoothly over her fingers. "At first I couldn't see anything. Diane, Kalinda, the paramedics, the gurney, was all in the way. But then Diane moved so they could get to you..."

He let out a breath shaking his head. "It's one thing to see photos from a crime scene, or victims from medical malpractice. But when I saw you I can't even describe the fear and anxiety that gripped me…I nearly passed out. There was blood on the floor, on the couch, all over your clothes, your hands. I didn't even have time to process it before they had you on the gurney and we were headed back out of your office. There was so much commotion no one seemed to know what had happened. It was infuriating because you were crying, and in pain. Diane looked as shocked as I felt, and the paramedics were busy doing their job, so couldn't really answer my questions until we were in the ambulance."

He looked back over to her. "I felt completely helpless. There was nothing I could do but hold your hand, try to comfort you, and at the same time hope desperately that once we got to the hospital the doctors could fix everything."

Alicia could see the anguish in his eyes, and it gripped her heart. She put her arm around his shoulder. "I can't even imagine," she said. "It's terrifying just hearing about it. What had happened next? Why was I bleeding?"

"We didn't know for sure at that point." Will continued.

/

 _He held a firm grasp on Alicia's hand in the ambulance. Tears continued to silently stream down her cheeks as the paramedics ran an IV, tried to get her bleeding under control, and began attempting to monitor the baby._

 _Her grip tightened on his hand, her breath caught, as another contraction hit._

 _"Just try to breathe Leesh." He lifted his hand to brush back the loose strands of her hair behind her ear, doing his best to remain calm. He'd done his best to block out his own emotions to focus on her._

 _"I can't," she said out of breath, turning her head towards him grasping onto his shirt. "It hurts too much! Why is this happening?"_

 _He brought his face closer to hers. "I don't know, but we're almost there. Just hang on Leesh," he said, encouragingly._

 _"The baby," she cried. "I haven't felt her move for awhile." More tears spilled from her eyes as she glanced down towards her stomach where one of the paramedics continued to monitor the baby's vital signs._

 _Will looked at one of them. "How's the baby?" he tried to ask calmly._

 _Just then, Alicia started gasping for air._

 _"Will! I can't...breathe." One of the paramedics immediately placed an oxygen mask over her face as her eyes closed._

 _Fear streamed through him. "What's happening to her? Why can't she breathe?"_

 _The paramedics continued to work on her, doing their best to keep her stable. "Sir, with this much blood loss, she's probably had a placental abruption. But there's no way to know for sure until the doctors can get a good look at her."_

 _"Abruption? What does that mean?" He glanced back at Alicia whose eyes remained shut. Her grasp on his arm was lessening. "Alicia," he called. She didn't respond. He looked back to the paramedics who were still busily working. "She isn't responding to me. Why won't she open her eyes?"_

 _As he asked the question, one of the other two men radioed into the hospital. "Get an OR ready. Possible emergency c-section. ETA in two minutes._

 _Everything seemed to be turning upside down right before his eyes. "What do you mean emergency c-section?" He felt like he was losing more and more control with every passing minute._

 _"Sir, it's not our place to make a diagnosis. But with the amount of blood your wife has lost, they're most likely going to have to open her up in order to stop it, and we're having difficulty reading vital signs on the baby. They need to get the baby out as soon as possible."_

 _He felt sick. It hadn't occurred to him until that moment that the baby might not make it. His heart was racing, sweat formed on his brow._

 _One of the two men looked at Will. "Your wife just said it had been awhile since she felt the baby kick. Do you know if she felt the baby move at all this morning?"_

" _Yes. I felt her kick this morning around seven when I had my hand on my wife's stomach. I don't know after that."_

 _They made a note of it as the ambulance pulled into the hospital._

 _They rushed Alicia right into surgery. Will tried to follow, but was stopped just outside the double doors that led to the surgery wing. He wasn't allowed past that point. A nurse with a sympathetic smile on her face showed him to one of the surgery waiting rooms. She asked him if he needed anything, and told him a doctor would be in to talk to him as soon as they knew anything. After she left, he put his face in his hands and began to wait._

 _/_

Alicia put her hand on her chest. "That's awful Will." Her heart ached for both of them.

He looked into her eyes. "It was. At that point I still didn't know for certain what had happened to cause the bleeding in the first place. I was upset because I couldn't be in the room with you, and I was going to miss Kate's birth. The hardest part was not knowing what was happening with you or the baby. Waiting in that room for the next hour, was the longest of my entire life."

"An hour?" she questioned, with raised brow.

"Yeah," he looked away. A few tears escaped his eyes. She scooted closer to him, wrapping her arm around his pulling him closer. He gently ran his fingers through hers. He had to swallow hard before he continued. "My parents got there about twenty minutes later. Diane had called them and Owen. Owen got there a few minutes before the doctor came out of surgery.

His saddened expression continued as more tears trickled down his cheeks. His grasp on her hand tightened. "The doctor confirmed you'd had a complete placental abruption. He said you'd lost a lot of blood. They had to pump three units back into you due to the abruption and hemorrhaging. There had been a lot of damage to your uterus."

He looked back into her eyes, and her heart wanted to break from the look of complete heartache in his expression. "He said we were lucky you had even survived, but at that point the other surgeon was finishing up some stitching, and then you'd be moved to recovery."

He let out a breath of air, choking up. "Then he said, _"I'm sorry to have to tell you that your daughter didn't make it. She was stillborn_."

Alicia placed a gentle hand to his chest. Tears were making their way down her cheeks.

"I felt sick, like the world was collapsing around me. My mother was standing right next to me. I heard her gasp, but it seemed like she was a mile away. I just stared at the doctor as he continued. He said that once they got her out of the womb they had tried for several minutes to revive her, but…there was nothing they could do. I remember my father helping me into a chair. I must have acted like I was going to pass out. I just sat there hardly able to believe what I'd just heard – not wanting to believe what I'd just heard. She never even took in one breath of air."

More tears fell from his eyes, as well as Alicia's. "Awhile later, after they had moved you to recovery, one of the nurses came into the private waiting room they'd moved us to. By then Diane had come, and your mother was on her way. The nurse asked if I wanted to see Kate. I felt numb. I could barely move. I hadn't said a word since the doctor had left us twenty minutes before. I just nodded my head. A few minutes later she brought the baby into the room all bundled up and placed her in my arms."

His red swollen eyes met Alicia's again. "She was perfect," he whispered. "She looked like she was sleeping, her eyes shut, her tiny little nose. She had soft brown hair the color of yours on top of her head. The nurses had put a little pink bow in it."

He shook his head, clearing his throat. "Once she was in my arms, I couldn't hold my emotions in any longer, no matter how much I wanted to. I sat there holding her, tears streaming down my face. All I could think was that it wasn't real." He blew out a breath of air. "I'm sure everyone in the room was crying. But I was too lost in my own sorrow to pay attention. Eventually I handed her to my mother and the three other adults in the room all had a chance to see her before the nurse came and took her away again."

They were both in tears. Alicia reached to the nightstand for some Kleenex for both of them. After wiping away their tears, Will reached into the keepsake box again. "This is her death certificate."

"Six pounds eleven ounces, nineteen inches long," she said out loud.

"Yes. She was a perfectly healthy weight and height for a newborn. The whole thing was just a horrible random incident."

He reached into the box again. "This is the footprint impression they did of her. This is her hospital band, and this is the blanket they had her wrapped up in until they took her to the morgue." He handed Alicia the white piece of paper with two tiny ink print foot impressions on it, the hospital band that had Kate's name on it, and a soft pink flannel blanket.

"It's so little. The size of a quarter," she said, lifting the hospital band in her fingers. He nodded. "And this blanket looks handmade. It's beautiful." Alicia commented unfolding the blanket onto her lap.

"It probably was. It was one that was donated to the hospital to be used in circumstances like ours."

He reached back into the box as Alicia folded the blanket back up. "Here, you might recognize this." He pulled out a soft stuffed rabbit.

Her hand moved to her mouth. "That was mine." She took the slightly worn stuffed toy with floppy ears from his hands, running her fingers over the soft white fur.

He smiled. "Yes. You had saved that and a few other things from when you were little for the kids. You had convinced Grace that the rabbit could be Kate's since Grace had a doll, and a stuffed bear that had been yours." He could see how happy seeing the rabbit had made her.

She shook her head looking back over to him, setting the rabbit down on her lap. He took her hand again. "Of everything that happened that day, the worst part was when I had to tell you that she had died. I don't think I've ever been more torn apart than I was in that moment. That…was by far the most difficult thing I've ever had to do."

/

 _Will sat next to her bed in the ICU. She was being monitored closely due to the amount of blood loss she'd sustained and to make sure she didn't have any further hemorrhaging. It felt like he'd been sitting there for an eternity watching her move in and out of sleep with only a few flutters of her eyes, and moans of pain._

 _During the previous hour he'd been over what he'd say to her a thousand times in his head, but there was nothing he could say to her that would make this any less painful than it was._

 _Her hand moved a little in his. He watched as she blinked her eyes trying to get them to focus. He breathed a long sigh of relief when she turned her head towards him, and her eyes met his. He could feel himself becoming emotional again. He'd almost lost her in the ordeal. He couldn't imagine what it would have been like if she hadn't pulled through._

" _Hi," he said quietly, tightening his grasp on her hand._

" _Will," she said, groggily._

" _How do you feel?" he asked._

 _She continued to stare at him trying to get her body to wake up some more, and her mind to clear from the medicated fog. "It hurts…everywhere," she whispered. "What happened?" she asked, slightly confused._

 _He explained how she'd blacked out in the ambulance, and the rush into surgery._

" _You're in the ICU now. But you're going to be fine. I'll have the doctor get you something for the pain." His hand moved gently over her face. She closed her eyes again for a few moments, and then slowly opened them meeting his gaze._

" _Will," she said groggily. "The baby. I want to see her."_

 _In that moment he felt like he'd rather die than have to tell her the devastating truth. She looked so pale and yet so absolutely beautiful in that moment. He knew what he was about to say would crush her. He hated that he'd have to watch the woman he loved be tormented with the news._

 _He moved to sit on the edge of bed, her hand still in his. The moment the words spilt from his mouth, would be etched in his mind forever. "Leesh…" he swallowed hard the enormous lump in his throat, and squeezed her hand, but failed at keeping a few tears from escaping his eyes. "She didn't make it. They tried to revive her…But they couldn't….she was stillborn."_

 _She inhaled, her hand moved to her mouth as she shook her head in disbelief. "No," Tears spilled from her eyes, her head moved slowly from side to side. "But the paramedics, they came. It was only a few minutes." She inhaled again, her body began to shake. The desperate, heart stricken look on her face tore him to pieces. "The doctors they were supposed to save her, not me." Her whimpers turned to sobs._

 _Emotions overpowered him again. He could barely handle the idea that she didn't feel like she had deserved to live. He moved as close as he could to her. She buried her face into his chest, holding onto him with a death grip. "No Will. No." He held her in his arms as best he could, as they shared in each others tears and sorrow._

 _Sometime later, she pulled back a bit, leaning against the pillows again. She was angry at all the tubes still attached to her. She wanted to be free so she could be better held in his embrace. "I want to see her," she said, in a mere whisper, her weak shaking hand wiping at her tears._

 _His hand moved to her face. He brushed back the loose tangled strands of her hair behind her ears, and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. "I'll tell them to bring her in."_

 _He held his gaze on her. "Leesh, I know this is hard. I can barely breathe when I think about it. But remember how much I love you. We'll get through this. It will take time, but we'll get through it. I promise." He felt weak and helpless, but he wanted her to know he was there for her._

/

Will and Alicia's eyes were moist again. Telling her what had happened had been emotionally draining on him. She sat up some against the pillows of their bed. He rested his head on her shoulder, as her fingers ran soothingly through his hair. She may not be able to remember any of it, but she could try and comfort him now. They sat in silence for a few minutes before he reached into the box and pulled out the photo album. Kate's name was etched in silver writing across the top.

He opened the book, and a few more tears escaped his eyes.

Alicia took in a breath of air at seeing the first photo of the baby. "She was beautiful Will," she said, running a finger over the image. She looked up at him. "She had your ears," Alicia said, with a little smile curved on her lips.

"Well that's about all she got from me. She looked so much like you, especially her lips," he smiled over to her. "She looked a lot like Grace did as a baby."

Alicia began to thumb through the pages. Some of the photos were in color, others in black and white. She took a few moments to look at each page, and paused when she got to the photo of him holding the baby. It broke her heart to see it. She couldn't even begin to imagine how devastating this had been. "Your mother got some really good shots of her. She was so small. Look at her in your arms," she commented softly.

"Yes, even at full term." He turned the page again, to reveal some photos of Kate's hands and feet next his mothers for size comparison.

He shook his head as they got the last page. It was a black and white image of the three of them. The baby in her arms, their foreheads pressed to each other looking down at her. The tears on their cheeks were visible in the photo.

Alicia inhaled placing her hand over her chest. Just looking at the photo, knowing what it was seemed to speak to how devastating those long minutes must have been.

She got choked up again. "This is the best one, and also the most heartbreaking,"

He nodded, reaching his hand to the edge of the book. "It is. It's also the last one my mother took before I got upset with her."

He inhaled trying to keep the tears in again, but failed. "When the nurse brought her in for you to hold, it felt like my heart had been ripped right out. You held her to your chest just sobbing, and I couldn't do anything to make it better. I sat next to you as best I could. We held her and cried until it seemed like there couldn't possibly be any more tears."

He sighed heavily. "Eventually, it was time for them to take her to the morgue. We knew we had to let her go, but you didn't want to. After I got her out of your arms, it took all the strength I had left to keep you in that bed so you wouldn't tear out any of the stitches, and cause the bleeding to start again. I just wrapped you up in my arms as best I could and let you cry. Eventually you fell asleep. Sleep became the only respite from the pain for both of us for a few weeks."

He inhaled trying to regain control of his emotions. This had been more difficult for him than he thought it would be. Somehow voicing the events of that day was much more painful than thinking about it.

Alicia leaned closer placing her hands on his cheeks, tears still falling from her own eyes. She gently brushed away his tears with her thumbs, and then pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. He reached his arms around her embracing her into a hug.

They remained silent for a few moments. It was devastating to hear what had gone on. Her heart ached for Will. At that moment she wished she could remember any part of it, thinking she'd be able to better share in his grief.

A few minutes later Alicia looked back down at the open book in her lap. The things they'd been through, the things he'd obviously had to endure on her behalf, were enormous, and a true testament to the kind of man he was. But he was always this way it seemed, more concerned about her and her feelings than his own. She wondered when it was his turn to be _taken care of_. When was it his turn for his emotions to come before hers? She'd consciously tried over the past few months to be attentive to him, help him know she cared, and loved him. She just hoped she'd always been that way. That he hadn't always been the one being the giver, and her the receiver.

"Why did it happen?" she questioned. "There must have been a reason for the abruption. I must have done something that caused it." All of a sudden she felt horribly guilty.

He took the book out of her hands, and set it aside. "No Alicia. It wasn't your fault, and I don't want you believe for one minute that it was. No one really knows the cause for placental abruptions. There are risk factors that can affect the possibility of one, but you didn't have any of them. It's just something that happens sometimes. There was nothing you or anyone else could have done to prevent it." He wanted to make sure she believed him. The last thing he wanted was for her to believe it had been her fault all over again and feel guilty about it.

He could tell she wasn't completely convinced. He shifted to face her, placing his hands on her shoulders. "Leesh, it wasn't your fault, okay? I promise."

Her lips curved into a smile. "Okay," she said, quietly. "Thank you for telling me all of this, and for showing me her things."

He pulled her close. Her head rested against his chest. "You're welcome." Silence filled the room. Their conversation had been helpful in allowing Alicia to better understand their reasons for preventing future pregnancies, but it hadn't done much to improve her spirits.

He was glad she knew once again what had gone on, but it was difficult for him to feel some of the emotions attached to Kate's death again. The months following her death, had almost been more difficult than her death itself.

The dampened mood in the room was almost palpable. After a few long moments later, she looked back up at him. He pressed his forehead to hers with a gentle smile.

"Are you going to be okay?" he asked. "I mean about _our decision_."

"Yes," she said, quietly. "What about you? That was all very enlightening, but awfully depressing."

He smiled. "I'm fine. It's difficult for me to talk about. But with things like this, it's easier for me if you understand and know about it."

Their eyes remained on each other. Finding comfort in being near her, he pressed a soft kiss to her lips. When he pulled back her eyes remained on his. Their faces just inches apart, his gaze moved from her eyes to her lips, then back to her eyes.

She slowly closed the short distance between them and pressed her lips to his with more intensity, her hands moving to his back pulling him closer. They both needed an emotional outlet.

The kiss lingered. His hands moved slowly to the hem of her shirt. She broke the kiss as he lifted her shirt over her head, their eyes remaining on each other. Without saying a word she watched as he removed his shirt, and then as his hands moved behind her back unclasping her bra.

Moments later, he gently laid her on her back. The only sound that could be heard in the room was their breathing as he pressed his lips along her body. She watched him intently, a few moans escaping her mouth, as his lips trailed from her neck to her breasts, and down her abdomen. He paused briefly looking back up at her before touching softly the scar on her stomach, and then pressed a few fluttering kisses to the same spot.

Tonight their love making wasn't about a burning physical desire like it had been earlier in the day. This was about comfort. This was about emotionally connecting to one another. It was about continued healing over a tragedy, and easing the pain of what had been lost to both of them - their daughter, and Alicia's aching sadness over the possibility of never remembering it.

After kissing her scar, he slowly moved to place his lips to hers again. They took things slowly at first, touching, kissing, finding comfort in the nearness of each other.

After some time, he gently pressed her hands against the mattress lacing his fingers through hers, and slowly lowered himself onto her.

Their bodies moved together, with the increase of their breaths. Moments later, she untangled her hands from his so she could run her fingers through his hair. As their pace increased her hands moved down his back. Their eyes remaining on each other, she reached one hand to his cheek. A loving smile formed on her lips just as her back arched, falling over the edge, taking him with her.

Shortly after, her arm reached around his neck, as he settled his head on her chest. They lay there in silence for a few more minutes. Her hand ran soothing circles over his back. Having found comfort and solace in what they'd just done, she finally spoke up. "I love you Will."

"I love you too," he breathed, his head remained cradled against her.


	30. Grace

**A/N; I am so sorry for the long wait. I completely lost my writing muse for about a week, and got behind. A big thanks to everyone who is still reading this! And welcome to the recent new followers.**

Grace was sitting on a barstool in the kitchen twirling a spoon around in her food.

"Grace, you need to finish up. It's almost time to leave for school." Alicia said, putting her empty coffee mug in the sink.

Will entered the kitchen, and went to stand next to Alicia, turning his attention to the ten year old.

"Grace, Grandma called last night."

Grace's eyes moved slowly from her food to her father.

"She said you've been calling her a lot since she went back home."

"Yeah, you never said I couldn't call her," she responded innocently.

Will glanced quickly to Alicia, then back at her. "Honey, you can call her whenever you want. But your mom and I would prefer you use one of our phones, not Abbey's, especially if it's going to be a long call." His mother had told him that Grace had been calling from the nanny's phone.

"But you and mom are never here after school. And you said we can't use the home line to call long distance." She frowned, folding her arms. She'd woken up tired and grumpy, and this conversation wasn't doing anything to improve her mood.

"It's okay with us if Abbey let's you use her phone once in awhile. But Grandma said you called three times last week, and again yesterday. Honey, she's only been gone a little over a week."

"I had a lot to tell her," she said, defensively.

Surprised at how upset this seemed to be making Grace, Alicia cut in. 'Sweetie, you're not in trouble. All your dad is trying to say is that we want you to be respectful to Abbey. And maybe wait until we get home some days before you call grandma."

Grace glared at Alicia. "Fine," she said, with a disappointed frown. She stood from the counter. "I'm done eating. The carpool will be here soon anyway."

Her eyes remained locked on Alicia. "I wish Grandma was still here, instead of," she didn't finish her sentence. She was going to say, instead of mom, but decided against it, and turned to leave the room.

"Grace, wait," Will called after her. "You wish Grandma were here instead of us?" He took a few steps to follow after her. He had little patience for these senseless tantrums sometimes.

Alicia put a hand to his chest to stop him. "It's okay."

"But Alicia,"

"Will, I think she meant me. Not us." In fact she was almost certain Grace had meant her. Things between them hadn't gotten any better in the few days since she'd mentioned Grace's behavior towards her to Will.

"But why? You're her mother. I don't understand why she'd rather have my mother here instead of you."

Just then Zach hollered from the entryway to say he and Grace were leaving.

Alicia sighed folding her arms, leaning against the counter. "I am her mother. But I told you two days ago the way things have been between us. I think we've failed to acknowledge how my amnesia may have affected the kids."

"But they've seemed fine. They've been able to adapt to all of it much better than I have."

"Yes, on the outside I think that's true. They've handled everything very well, almost too well. You and I are seeing a marriage counselor to help us get through some of this. Imagine if you were them, and you didn't really have an outlet for some of your frustrations over the situation. Normally they would come to one of us to talk about a problem right?"

"Yes,"

"But under the circumstances, maybe they aren't saying anything because this time the problem is one of us, me, and they're afraid of…I don't know, hurting my feelings or something."

He ran a hand under his chin. "That would make sense. I've probably ignored things they've said, or done in reaction to the situation because I assumed they were handling things just fine."

"We probably both have. But it's pretty clear that I've done something to upset Grace. And instead of telling one of us what it is, she's decided it's easier to avoid me when she can, and call her grandmother when she needs someone to talk to."

"Okay. We should talk to her tonight. Maybe even talk to both of them." She nodded, as they exited the kitchen to head into work.

/

Alicia arrived at the private school just after noon. The school nurse had called and said Grace was running a fever, and needed to go home.

When Alicia entered the office, Grace looked surprised to see her.

"Mom, you came?" Grace questioned, as she stood up.

"Yes honey. Who else was going to pick you up?"

Grace rolled her eyes. "Abbey." She turned and headed out of the office. Alicia followed right behind. She may have been glad it was her mother to pick her up instead of the nanny. Yet, here was another example of something Alicia clearly didn't remember, which only added to the list of things that was bothering her.

Alicia stopped and looked at her just after they exited the building. "Grace, I'm your mom. Why would you think I'd send Abbey when you weren't feeling well?"

She sighed. "Because Mom. Abbey is always the one that picks us up when we have to leave school in the middle of the day. Usually you and Dad can't leave work. Can we go home now?"

Alicia was a little surprised at this revelation, but was more concerned about the way Grace had been acting the past week and a half. She wanted to talk to Grace and figure things out between them, but the school parking lot was not the place for that. Maybe once they were home, and Grace was comfortable they could talk.

"Yes," Alicia replied, putting her arm around Grace as they headed for the car.

Awhile later, Grace was wrapped up in a blanket on the couch watching a movie. Alicia was on the phone with Will.

"Did we really always send Abbey to pick the kids up from school when they were sick?" she asked.

"Honestly Alicia, I don't remember for sure. They've only been sick at school maybe twice that I can even remember. If we were in court on those days, then yes, we probably did send Abbey."

Alicia sighed heavily.

"Leesh, you're not a bad mother for sending the nanny to pick the kids up from school. They love Abbey, and she treats them as if they were her own kids. That's one of the reasons we've never changed to anyone else."

"Okay. I'm still going to try and talk to her this afternoon. You should have seen the look she gave me when I picked her up."

"That's probably a good idea. She might feel like we're ganging up on her if we were both there trying to talk to her."

"Wish me luck,"

He chuckled. "Good luck. I love you."

"I love you too."

After hanging up, she entered the family room. "Can I sit with you?" Alicia asked,

Grace nodded, grabbing a tissue from the box on the coffee table, keeping her attention on the movie. They sat in silence for awhile, Alicia running her fingers through Graces hair.

"How are you feeling now?" Alicia asked, breaking the silence.

"Not so achy, but my nose is all stuffed up, and my throat is scratchy," Grace said, quietly.

"I bet you're coming down with a cold. We'll have to make sure you take it easy this afternoon, and I can give you some more medicine in awhile."

"Okay," she turned, to rest her head at a better angle against Alicia.

The two watched the movie for a few more minutes before Alicia spoke up again. "Grace, can we talk for a few minutes?"

"Yeah, I guess." She looked up at Alicia.

"Is there something that's been bothering you the past little while that you want to talk about? Maybe something I did that's made you upset with me?"

Grace looked down, but didn't say anything.

"Sweetie, I'm not mad at you. I just want to know what's going on so that we can make things better between us again."

Grace pulled her knees close, wrapping her arms tightly around them. "I'm sad," she said. A few tears fell onto her cheeks as she glanced back at Alicia. "And maybe a little mad at you."

Seeing Grace's tears caused a lump to form in her throat. "You want to tell me what it was I did?" She ran a soothing hand over Grace's back.

"I miss the way things used to be."

"The way things used to be before my accident?"

"Yes. We used to do more together, like go to lunch or shopping on Saturdays while the boys watched sports. You used to put notes in our school lunches. You used to let me help choose our meals for the week, and sometimes we'd pick a new recipe together. We don't do any of that anymore."

"Honey, why didn't you just tell me? I would love to do all of those things with you."

Grace's eyes moved past Alicia to the far wall. "Because I'm tired of it. Dad and Zach don't seem to care. They don't get tired of telling you things that happened before. And you and Dad still act the same." She scrunched up her nose. "He's always kissing you, like he did before. And Zach loves that you ask him so many questions about sports now."

She turned her gaze back to Alicia. "Everything is back to normal for them. But it isn't for me." More tears streamed down her face. "I know it isn't your fault that you don't remember what we used to do together, but lots of things are different now, and it's hard mom."

Tears were spilling from Alicia's eyes. "Honey I'm sorry. I would do anything to change this if I could." Alicia moved closer to her, wrapping her up in a hug.

"I know. It's just sometimes I wish things could go back to the way they used to be. That's why I've been calling grandma. She remembers, and I don't have to explain anything to her."

Alicia continued to hold her close. She was beginning to better understand the relationship they'd had before, and how it was a stark contrast to the one she'd had with her own mother. She was deeply grateful for that, but now felt a little guilty.

She tried to explain to Grace how difficult this had all been for her. And how after the accident she'd been excited that she was a mother, but she'd also been scared to death at the idea. She had to learn how to be a mother with a nine and eleven year old, without any previous experience. Grace seemed to understand.

"Honey, I know it may seem like everything is back to normal for your dad and Zach, but that's not true." Grace's red swollen eyes looked back at Alicia. "I know Zach always acts like he's invincible, and that nothing bothers him, but I bet if you asked him, he'd tell you this has been hard for him too. I know for certain this has been really, really, difficult for your dad. It may not seem like it, but your dad and I have been together for a very long time, and I don't remember the first time he asked me out on a date, or the first time he kissed me, or our wedding, or moving here to start our firm. There have even been a few times where this has been so hard for him he cried."

Grace's eyes grew wide. "Dad cried?" she said, turning her head to sneeze into her sleeve. She could barely imagine it. To her Will was the strongest, most brave man on the planet.

A little smile crossed Alicia's lips. "Yes, he did. Grace, I understand this has been really hard for you. I'm sorry we haven't talked about it before now. We should have. Your dad and I should have paid better attention to how you and Zach might be feeling."

She placed a hand to Grace's cheek. "I don't want you to ever feel like you aren't important to me. I love you so much. I know I ask a lot of questions about how things used to be. That's one of the ways I figure out who I am. But if you don't feel like answering my questions sometimes, it's okay. Just tell me. I'm not going to be upset with you. And if there is something you really want to do with me, just say so."

"Okay," Grace said, reaching for another tissue.

"Maybe you and I should have our own special code word," Alicia suggested.

"A code word?" Grace said, curiously.

"Yeah, a word you can say when you don't feel like talking about the past or answering questions. Your dad and I have a few code words that I use if I don't feel comfortable in some situations. And he knows that if I say that word it means we need to leave where ever we are, or change the activity we're doing."

"Have you ever had to use your code words?" This idea had seemed to peak her interest.

Alicia smiled. "I have. And your dad has never asked questions when I've used the code words because he knows what it means, and how important it is."

A smile crossed Grace's lips. The first one Alicia had seen all day. "I like that idea. It can be our secret."

"Yes. I may not remember all of the things we used to do, but maybe this can be the beginning of some new things."

Grace put her arms around Alicia's neck for a hug. "I love you mom."

"I love you too sweetie. And I want you to know you can always talk to me. I want to know if you're sad, or angry at me. Don't hold it in. That will only make things worse. My amnesia is hard for all of us. The only way we're going to get through it is if we work together."

"Okay," Grace said. settling back into Alicia's arms.

They talked for a few minutes, and then the topic of Will's birthday came up.

"You and I usually make Dad's birthday cake together. Can we do that this year? Hopefully I'll feel better by then."

Alicia smiled. "I was hoping you'd be willing to help me with that. Especially since I don't know what kind of cake your dad likes best."

"Dad likes the same cake every year. It's one that grandma used to make him. I can show you the recipe."

"That would be great."

"And we always make dad breakfast on his birthday. Pancakes or French toast. He likes omelets, but you're not very good at making those and he knows it. We usually give him breakfast in bed, and put a candle in his pancakes for him to blow out."

"That sounds good."

"What else are we doing for his birthday? Are we having a party? A few years ago we had a big surprise party for him when he turned forty. He thought you guys were just going to dinner together, but we surprised him at this really nice restaurant. All the family was there, and a bunch of people from work. Josh and Julia even came for it."

Alicia tried to picture what that may have been like. A smile crossed her lips at the thought. "I have a surprise planned for your dad, but it's not a party. Maybe I could tell you what it is, and you can tell me if you think it's a good idea."

Grace nodded enthusiastically. The two discussed the birthday for a few minutes longer, and made plans to go shopping for some needed supplies later in the week. All of this helped in making Grace feel loved and included in things again, which was what Alicia had been hoping for.

She was excited to continue developing and learning more about the relationship she had with Grace, and was grateful that she'd previously been able to form a strong bond with her daughter. Something she'd always wanted with her own mother but had never had.

Awhile later, Grace seemed to be feeling a bit better, and perked up a bit. The ten year old suggested they look at her baby things that she'd not wanted to go through a few days prior. She retrieved the box from her room and set it on the couch in between her and Alicia.

"When was the last time you looked at all of this?" Alicia asked, as she opened lid.

"I don't remember. It's probably been a few years."

Grace's box contained similar items to Kate's. It was obvious what the significance of some of the items was. Grace's hospital bands, a copy of her birth certificate, and the paper that held the ink impressions of her baby feet.

For the items that weren't so obvious Alicia had long ago made a list of everything in the box and placed it on top of all the items.

There was a clear plastic envelope that held a few locks of Grace's soft, curly baby hair from her first haircut. There was a ceramic impression of her baby hand. Grace took the impression from Alicia. "Look how little my hand was," she said, with a smile.

"Look at how little all of you used to be," Alicia said, holding up a tiny newborn outfit.

"I think that's the outfit I came home from the hospital in," Grace responded. She reached into the box and pulled out a tiny pink pearl bracelet. "This was from Grandma Veronica. I think she brought it back from one of her trips."

Alicia took the bracelet into her hand examining it. "It's very pretty."

Next Grace lifted out a small pink and white baseball cap and outfit.

"I bet I know who bought that for you," Alicia smiled, thinking how completely adorable the thought of Will buying the outfit for Grace was.

"Yeah, Dad," Grace said, chuckling a bit.

There was a baby quilt they pulled out of the box that Will's mother had given Grace. The next item pulled form the box, a soft light pink crouched blanket, caused Alicia to pause when she read who had made it - her grandmother. How was that even possible? She'd passed away long before Grace would have come along.

She unfolded the blanket, placing it on her lap. She recognized the crochet pattern that had been used in this blanket. It was exactly the same as the one that had been used in a blanket for her when she was about ten if she was remembering correctly. That blanket had been her favorite for years. Her grandmother had made it big enough so that it would still fit around her once she was fully grown.

"How much have I told you about your great grandmother?" Alicia asked.

Grace shrugged her shoulders. "A little I guess."

"She was a really good cook. I used to spend lots of time with her during the summer when I was about your age."

"I think we have a book with some of her recipes in it," Grace said. "She made that blanket for me?" she asked.

"I...yes, that's what this says, but she died a long time before you were born. We should ask your dad about it."

After removing a few other items from the box, the last thing they pulled out was a sealed envelope that had Grace's name written on it in Alicia's handwriting.

"That's a letter you wrote me before I was born. The last time we looked at this stuff you said I should wait to read that until I was older."

Alicia looked from the envelope to Grace. "Did I say how old?"

"No, just older. Can we open now?"

"Yes. I think under the circumstances it would be fine."

A smile crossed Grace's lips as she opened the envelope. She unfolded the paper inside. A few photos fell onto her lap. Grace lifted the photos so they could both look at them. One was an ultrasound photo. There was one of Alicia, Will, and a very young Zach with a banner behind them that read "It's A Girl!" Alicia was holding a pink outfit in her hands. The last was a photo of Alicia standing outside in their backyard, a gentle smile on her face looking down at her swollen belly.

Alicia stared at the photos for a few moments. A few flashes of memory crossing her mind.

 _The ultrasound technician continued to look at the screen. "It's a girl," she said._

 _Will squeezed her hand a broad smile across his lips, as tears sprang from her eyes._

Then a different scene came to her mind.

 _She and Will were in bed together, His hand rested on her stomach. She looked over at him. "I really wanted a girl. I know I said I didn't care, I love Zach to pieces. But I'm so happy we're going to have a daughter."_

 _He leaned closer and kissed her cheek. "Me too!"_

Then one last flash of memory.

" _I talked to my mom today," she said, quietly as Will came up behind her wrapping an arm around her placing his hands around her swollen belly. ._

" _What if I'm like her? What if Grace and I can't agree on anything? What if I do everything wrong and Grace and I end up in the same place my mother and I are?" Tears sprang from her eyes._

 _She turned to look at Will. "I've been so excited to have a daughter. I don't want to screw things up."_

 _He pulled her closer to him. "You are not going to screw things up. You're going to be a great mom for our daughter. She's going to love you, and look up to you just like Zach. Your relationship with her is going to be completely different from the one you have with your mom. You're already a wonderful mother, and Grace will always know it."_

"Mom," Grace said, putting her hand on Alicia's arm. Bringing Alicia out of her thoughts.

Alicia glanced over to her with a smile. "Sorry. I just remembered something from the time when I was pregnant with you."

"Really!" Grace responded enthusiastically.

"Yes. I was very excited that you were a girl." She looked at the unfolded paper in Grace's hand. "Why don't we read that?"

Grace read aloud.

 _Dear Grace,_

 _In about a month you'll be joining our family. I can't wait to meet you, and hold you in my arms. I don't know when you'll read this letter. It may be at time when you're very happy, or possibly at a time when life is filled with uncertainty. No matter what the situation, the thing I want you to always know no matter what life has thrown us, is that I love you so very much. I've loved you from the moment I found out I was pregnant with you, and I promise to love you every day until the end of time._

 _I've probably wanted a daughter since the day I married your father. I love your brother very much, but there is a different kind of bond between a mother and her daughter. I've been thinking endlessly about you and my hopes and dreams for you. I've been thinking about the kind of mother I want to be for you and about the kind of world I want you to grow up in._

 _The world we live in can be very scary at times. I want you to know that I will always do my best for you. I will do all that I can, now, next month, and always, to give you the best life I can. I will try my utmost to make the right choices for you and set the right limits for you. And, I will always be there, standing beside you as you make your own way in the world._

 _I want to be a woman you look to for inspiration. I want to behave in a way that fosters your ambitions and encourages you to live a life that is full and adventurous._

 _I hope that you will learn to be good and kind and gentle and giving. You are surrounded by people who love you, and who hold these traits. You can learn from all of them._

 _Along with all of my excitement, I confess I feel some fear. Sometimes I feel anxious about being the mother to a daughter. I worry that I'll fail you in some way, and we'll grow apart. I hope that never happens, and that we will always be close. But in those times that I know will come where we don't agree, I hope you'll be able to forgive, and overlook my downfalls. I promise to always forgive you no matter what._

 _I want you to know how deeply I love your father. I hope someday you are able to find someone who will treat you as well, and love as much as he does me. He is the best man I've ever known. He is loving, kind, patient and considerate. He's so excited to meet you. Know that behind his strong, brave exterior, he'll probably always worry about his little girl, and want to make sure you're loved and safe. He's already told you a dozen times you're not allowed to date until you've finished college. [You and I will have to work on him!] But I think the reason he says this is that he knows it will break his heart the first time he has to watch you go through a boy breaking yours._

 _I hope you'll always know you can come to me no matter what. I always want to know what's going on in your life, all the good, bad, and difficult things. I promise to always listen with an open heart, and an arm around you._

 _With tears streaming down my face, I'll end this now. I love you with all of my heart, and I promise to be the best mother I can be for you_

 _With love, from Mommy_

A few tears escaped Alicia's eyes. She pulled Grace closer. "You know none of that has changed. Everything I said in that letter is exactly how I want things to be between us."

"Me too," Grace said, quietly.

Alicia put a finger to Grace's chin so she'd look up at her. "I may not remember the way thing used to be, but one thing I do know is that I love you, and no matter what I always will."

Grace nodded. "I love you too Mom." She reached over, wrapping her arms around Alicia.

Alicia hoped that things would be different now – better - and that Grace would feel like she could trust her again.

Grace yawned cuddling closer to Alicia. "Do I have to go to school tomorrow?"

Alicia smiled running a gentle hand through Grace's hair again. "We'll have to wait and see how you feel in the morning."

"Mom, there's a mother daughter activity at the beginning of next month. Can we go?"

Alicia smiled. "I'd love to go. I'll put it in my calendar later today."


	31. Happy Birthday

**A/N; Wow, I can't believe we've reached the one year mark on this story! Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing! We also passed the 200 review mark with that last chapter. You guys are amazing!**

 **This is a quick update. Hopefully it will make up for some of the long waits in the past.**

Alicia closed the back door behind her and walked quietly towards Will. He was sitting on the outdoor sofa with a blanket wrapped around him. It was difficult to tell exactly the look on his face with only the night sky, and distant glow of lights from inside the house. _Tired,_ she thought as she got closer to him.

"What are you doing out here? It's freezing." It being nearly the middle of October, the nights were growing colder and colder with every passing day.

He chuckled making room for her next him beneath the blanket. "Are the kids asleep?" he asked, pulling her closer.

"Just about," She settled more comfortably into his warm embrace. "You didn't answer my question," she said, peering up at him.

"I just wanted some fresh air." He leaned back looking up at the night sky.

She wanted to believe him, but it seemed to her there was more on his mind than needing a little cold night air.

"Grace seems to be doing better," he said.

"Yeah, her cold's nearly gone, and I think she had fun shopping for birthday supplies tonight."

They remained silent for a few minutes before he spoke up again. "I don't like getting older Leesh," he said, a distant look in his eyes.

She placed her hand on his leg. "Is that what's bothering you, your birthday tomorrow?" She took his hand into hers squeezing it tightly. "It's just a date Will. It's not as if everything is going to change because you're a year older."

He chuckled, returning his gaze to hers. "I know. I just don't like the thought of growing old." That's what he told her anyway, and it wasn't a lie, it just wasn't the only thing he was thinking about. It had been one short week after his birthday the previous year, where things between them had begun to unravel. And contrary to what she said, everything really had changed for them in the past year. He'd never seen any of it coming, and that worried him some. At the moment everything seemed good, but in many ways he was scared of what the next year might bring.

She put her hand to his chest. "Well...I bet I can think of a few ways to help keep you feeling young." She raised a seductive brow to him reaching for the button of his shirt. "Maybe an early birthday gift would help!"

A broad smile crossed his lips. "Maybe it would," he leaned in pressing his lips to hers.

She woke the following morning, their bare bodies still tangled together beneath the sheets. She watched him sleep for a few minutes. He'd definitely enjoyed the previous night's activities, but he'd been quiet later on as they'd snuggled together. She didn't mind, but she still felt like he wasn't telling her something that was bothering him.

 _Maybe I'm over worrying it_ , she thought. Maybe he was just tired. That would certainly be fair. He nearly always seemed to handle the constant stress of life very well, but she knew it must be an awful burden to carry around on his shoulders sometimes. She truly hoped she'd be able to make the day fun and relaxing for him.

She ran her fingers gently through his hair, as his eyes opened a few minutes later.

"Happy Birthday," she said quietly, leaning over to kiss his cheek.

"Thank you," he breathed, turning so he could press his lips to her neck, slowly making his way to her lips. After a few minutes of lingering kisses he laid his head back on his pillow. "I'm tired. You must have worn me out last night!"

She giggled, propping herself up onto her elbows, blushing a bit at thoughts from eight hours earlier. "Is there anything you really wanted to do today?" she asked.

His eyes wandered over her body that was for the most part still covered with the sheets. She giggled pressing a quick kiss to his lips, knowing exactly what he was thinking. "Besides that," she said, a little smile across her lips, her face just inches from his.

He reached his arm around her pulling her closer. "Maybe that's all I want to do today." His hands began to run along her bare back.

"I only see two problems with that," she replied.

"Mmmm, the kids," he breathed. She nodded.

"I didn't really have any plans, other than spending time with you and the kids, and eating cake I presume you and Grace are making today. I would like to watch the game later on."

"Game six," she said.

"Yes. If the Cubs can pull a win they won't have to play game seven, and will be headed to the World Series," he said, enthusiasm filling his eyes.

She loved how excited he'd seemed to get about the sport. His comment was exactly what she'd been hoping he'd say. She knew he'd want to see the game. He'd been talking about the playoffs all week, and had even gone to a sports bar with Kurt and a few co-workers earlier in the week to watch one of the games.

"How would you feel about watching the game from say...Wrigley Field?" she said, gazing right into his eyes.

He chuckled. "It would be nearly impossible to get tickets to that game at this point."

She took in a breath of air. "Well…what if we already had tickets?" A smile formed on her lips as she shifted to reach into the drawer of the nightstand, pulling out the game tickets she'd purchased earlier in the week.

"Ahh, really!" he said enthusiastically, sitting up as she handed the tickets to him. "How did you even get these?" he said, thumbing through them. It meant a lot to him that she'd even thought about it.

She chuckled at his boyish enthusiasm. "I have my ways. Although, I'm not sure how great the seats will be. All the season ticket holders had first dibs."

"These look like great seats! But there are six of them. Who is going with us?"

"Kurt and Diane." She sat up next to him pulling the sheet around her bare body.

He laughed out loud. "Really? Diane gets bored to death watching baseball. What did Kurt have to do to get her to agree to attend a game with him?"

Alicia chuckled this time. "I don't think anything. A few days ago when we were at lunch together I told her my plans about getting the tickets. She said maybe being in the stadium would be better than watching on TV, and she knew Kurt would enjoy it. So she asked if I'd get two tickets for them."

He shook his head. "That man has definitely been a good influence on her. Don't get me wrong. I love Diane. But ever since Kurt came along, she's let her hair down a bit more. Taken time to enjoy life, instead of spending every hour she possibly can at work." He leaned over and kissed her forehead. "Thank you. This will be a lot of fun!"

"You're welcome. Now stay here and get some more rest. I'm pretty sure there are two people in this house who will be up soon, wanting to bring you breakfast in bed."

He smiled, briefly thinking about the kids, and birthday's past. She shifted under the sheets to get out of bed. He watched as she pulled a night shirt over her head, and slipped on some yoga pants. She could drive him absolutely crazy without even trying.

She walked towards the door. "I'll miss you," he said, a silly little smile across his lips.

She stepped back over to the bed, leaning over to kiss is cheek. "You'll miss me…or your body will miss me?" She giggled, leaning over to plant one last kiss to his lips.

His eyes roamed over her body as she stood again. "All of the above," he replied.

She nodded, and headed out of the room. One thing was certain. He never made her feel anything less than beautiful. Even with no makeup on and messy morning hair.

Hours later, they all entered the stadium together. As they were searching for their seats taking in the large stadium, mixed with the smells of popcorn and hotdogs, brought back a few childhood memories for Alicia. Her father had brought her and Owen to a few games when they were younger. He'd loved baseball, and had spent a few lengthy Saturday afternoons explaining all the ins and outs, and rules of the game to them. It hadn't ever been her favorite thing to do, but she remembered enjoying sitting on the couch next to her father occasionally, watching a game.

She glanced at Will as they sat in their seats. Will was quite different from what she could remember of her father, in many ways. But there were some similarities. Maybe Will's enthusiasm for baseball had been one of the things that had drawn her to him all those years ago.

As the game started another memory crossed her mind. She grasped onto Will's hand. "Did we bring the kids here when they were younger?"

"Yeah we've come a few times over the years." He looked at her curiously.

"I remember," she said. "Grace must have been pretty little. She was riding on your shoulders and we were walking around the stadium. You were explaining to her and Zach where everything was. The pitchers mound, the bases, the team dugouts."

A gentle smile crossed his lips. He put his arm around her. This was the second time in the past week where she'd gained some of her memory back. Every time it happened, it almost seemed like Christmas morning. "You're probably remembering the first time we brought the kids to a game. You were worried Grace was too young to handle an entire nine innings. She was only three, but she did great." He chuckled. "We resorted to bribing her with cotton candy, and I'm pretty sure she slept through the last two innings of the game."

Just then Grace turned to her parent's. "Dad, can we get some cotton candy?"

Both Will and Alicia laughed. "Yes," he replied, reaching into his pocket, pulling out his wallet. "Go with Zach to get it, only one each. We still have cake to eat later tonight. Bring your mom and Diane each a bottled water."

After the kids left, he turned his attention back to Alicia. "I'm pretty sure we created a cotton candy monster that night. If I had to bet, I'd say she's eaten her body weight in cotton candy over the years."

Alicia chuckled as the game got under way.

The Cubs were ahead in the seventh inning. Every one was having a good time, even Diane. Kurt turned to Will who was on the other side of Alicia. "Do you think either of them has watched a single pitch in the past two innings?" He chuckled, glancing at the two women who had been chatting with each other nonstop.

Diane paused mid-sentence and looked up at him rolling her eyes. "Just because you two can't hold a lengthy conversation and watch a game at the same time, doesn't mean Alicia and I aren't capable of it," she chuckled. "We're ahead four to two."

"Lester just finished up his second no hitter inning. And that catch by Hayward, way out in right field in the fifth inning, was pretty amazing." Alicia added, trying to keep a straight face, without bursting out in laughter.

"And Alicia don't forget that home run hit by Davis in the sixth," Diane said.

"Diane wasn't that,"

"Okay, you two can stop now," Will interrupted. The two women were clearly mocking their husbands' sports talk at this point. "We apologize for accusing you of not paying attention."

"I'd say we've taught our wives well, but I'm pretty sure Diane will slap me if I do," Kurt added. Diane did then slap his arm playfully, which caused all of them to laugh.

Awhile later, Alicia smiled, listening to Zach discuss the specifics of the game with Will and Kurt. He'd clearly taken every shred of sports information into his head Will had ever told him. He was like a sports commentator in the body of a twelve-year-old.

"I'm taking a week off at the end of the month," Diane said, breaking Alicia's train of thought. "I figure you two can take care of things while I'm gone."

"Sure," Alicia responded. "Are you and Kurt finally taking a much deserved vacation?"

Diane chuckled. "Something like that. We're going hunting,"

It took a few seconds for Alicia to register her words. She turned her full attention to Diane. "Hunting, really?" Alicia had a very difficult time imagining Diane hunting.

The other three adults all chuckled at her reaction. "Diane should clarify," Will said. "Kurt will be hunting the animals, and Diane will be hunting for new clients."

"Yes, Last year I found out that Kurt goes on an annual hunting trip with some of the richest men in the country." Diane said, with raised brow.

"Ah," Alicia understood better now.

"And after we spend three days in the freezing cold "hunting" Kurt promised me a few days in the warm Southern California sun."

Alicia nodded. "I'm glad you two are taking some time to get away."

The Cubs won the game, leaving everyone in a good mood. Kurt and Diane joined the other four for cake back at the house after the game.

Will kept an attentive eye on Alicia throughout the evening. He'd had a good relaxing day, and it had been because of her. She'd hardly let him lift a finger the entire day. She'd taken the kids outside after breakfast to rake up all the leaves scattered throughout the yard. Something he'd been dreading doing, but knew had to get done before the first snowfall hit, which could happen anytime in the coming weeks. He'd gone out to help, but she'd told him they could do it, and had sent him back inside.

He spent the morning, feet propped up on the couch watching sports, and surfing the internet, catching up on news, and things that peaked his interest.

Alicia had gone and picked up pizza from his favorite place for lunch, and had given him a good foot massage before they had all headed to the game. The entire day had been filled with much needed relaxation. He had to admit that her stolen kisses, loving looks from across the room, and whispers of sweet nothings in his ear throughout the day, had made him feel even more loved and wanted.

After the cake, Kurt was telling the kids some funny story that made Alicia laugh. Will loved the sound of her laughter. There was a part of him that didn't want the day to end. Everyone was happy - everything felt normal. But somewhere in the back of his mind he wasn't able to calm the nagging feeling that the other shoe was about to drop - again. Maybe he was being paranoid. There had been so much turmoil in the past year maybe his mind couldn't handle the idea that everything was fine – even good.

"You okay?" Alicia whispered in his ear sometime later. She'd noticed his quieted demeanor in the past twenty minutes. They were in the middle of the one card game they'd promised the kids before bed. Diane was winning, the kids were trying to convince Kurt to take her down with the lucky card he had in his hand.

"Yes, I'm good," Will whispered back, pressing a quick to her cheek.

Later that night, Alicia and Will were in the bedroom. He wrapped his arms around her waist. "I had a really good day. Thank you."

"I'm glad. Wait here, I have one more birthday surprise for you!" She pulled out from his embrace, and headed to the closet.

He made himself comfortable on the bed while he waited for her. A few minutes later she reappeared. He smiled as she sauntered back into the bedroom, a ball cap on her head, and wearing nothing but a Cubs jersey to cover her bare skin.

His eyes wandered over her for a few moments as she slowly spun in a circle so he could take all of her in. "That might be one of the sexiest things I've ever seen on you," he said, moving over to her pulling her close again. "I think this might be a bit big for you," he smiled softly, his hands reaching beneath the jersey to feel her bare skin.

She stepped closer to him pressing her body to his. "This _new_ jersey isn't for me," she breathed, her lips just inches from his.

His hands ran over her back. "Oh it might be for you, if you're going to wear it like it this!" He planted a passionate kiss to her lips, moving her slowly backwards a few steps to the bed.

"Maybe we can share it," she suggested, as he gently laid her down on the bed, and moved on top of her to begin his assault of kisses.

The night lingered on. She'd learned over the past few weeks some of the things that really turned him on, some of the things she could do to him that took his breath away, and drive him close to the edge.

Tonight it turned into a game of resistance and pleasure, both trying their best to drive the other to a breaking point without losing complete control themselves.

On and on it went. "This might be the longest we've lasted in past weeks," he said, tiny beads of sweat on his brow as his lips made their way to her neck again.

Her breath caught. "I may not be able to last much longer," she admitted.

He was about ready to break himself. He looked into her eyes, rolling onto his back, pulling her on top of him. She sank deeply onto him causing him to moan in pleasure.

Not long after, their tired limbs rested tangled together beneath sheets. She ran soft circles over his bare chest. "Happy Birthday my love," she said, lifting her head to press another lingering kiss to his lips.


	32. Chapter 32

The few weeks following Will's birthday went smoothly for the most part. The nagging feeling at the back of his mind that something was going to go wrong seemed to lessen and lessen with each passing day. Work was going well. He and Alicia seemed to be growing closer and closer together once again. And after an open and honest discussion with the kids, Zach and Grace seemed to be more at ease in voicing any struggles they might be having in regards to Alicia's amnesia.

Zach continued to show a small degree of protectiveness over his mother, just as he'd done before her accident. Alicia found it adorable when he'd ask if she was okay or needed anything if she seemed a bit tired. Or when he'd offer to take over loading the dishwasher, or other chores she was in the middle of periodically. Neither Will nor Alicia thought much of it past that.

But one night when Will had come home late, he found Zach laying the couch waiting up for him.

"You feeling okay?" Will asked, sitting down next to the eleven-year old.

"Dad, is Mom going to be okay?" Zach asked.

"What do you mean? Your mom is fine."

Zach sat up and looked at his father. "I mean will she get a tumor, or have seizures, or lose her memory again? What if she blacks out or something while she's driving and gets into another accident? It could happen right, if she works too hard, or gets too stressed out? You make sure she doesn't do too much at work right?"

Will wanted to interrupt, to explain a few things, but Zach kept talking. "I told Grace we needed to be really good, and not stress Mom out. And I try to help her at home when I can. But what if it's not enough? Are you sure it's okay for her to work so many hours?"

"Whoa, Zach, slow down. Where's all of this coming from?"

"You and Mom said we should tell you if we were worried about anything that had to do with her amnesia. I've been reading about amnesia and head injuries. I thought it might be an interesting thing to write my English report on. I guess I've just been worried that something's going to happen to her again."

Will nodded in understanding, and put his arm around his son. "Zach, you're mom is just fine, and she's going to stay that way. Yes, all of those things are possibilities, but the chances of any of that happening are very, very, slim, especially now that it's been so long since her accident. Your mom takes good care of herself. She goes to see a doctor once a month so they can make sure everything is okay with her. In fact, she had an appointment last week, and they did a scan of her brain because she's had a couple of really bad headaches in the past few weeks. But everything checked out just fine.

"If everything's okay, then why does she keep getting the headaches?"

Will sighed. "Because of her head injury. She'll probably continue to get bad headaches. It's just a side effect of the injury, and there isn't really anything anyone can do to prevent them. But there isn't anything to worry about. It's just like people who have chronic migraines. It hurts a lot, can make them sick, but it's not life threatening. And your mom has some good medication to take when she gets one of those headaches that helps her feel better pretty quickly." The twelve year old continued to look at his father, his worries eased some.

"Buddy, I don't want you to worry about it. I love the way you treat your mom. I wouldn't want you to treat her any differently. But it's not your responsibility to make sure nothing bad ever happens to her."

Will pulled him closer. "The day I married your mom, one of the promises I made to her was that I'd always do everything I could to protect her, to keep her safe. I've done my best over the years to keep that promise. But even I can't prevent bad things from happening sometimes. It's just part of life. Do you understand?" Zach nodded.

"The best way for you to help her right now, is to keep doing the things you're doing. Behaving, doing your best at school, helping out around the house, and not worrying about what may or may not happen in the future. I promise to keep looking out for your mom, and you can too. But I need you to make sure you do all those other things first, and let me worry about the big stuff, okay?"

"Okay."

"I love you. Your mom and I are very proud of you."

"I love you too dad," Zach smiled, and stood to go to bed. Will followed him up the stairs and said goodnight.

Alicia was awake sitting in bed when he entered the room. He undressed and climbed into bed next to her, sighing deeply when his head hit the pillow. "I'm exhausted Leesh."

"Why did you stay so late? I thought you were only an hour behind me," she asked, settling next to him.

"One of Diane's clients called just as I was getting ready to leave. His son was booked tonight on drug possession, and he wants us to handle the case. I had to go down to county holding, talk to the kid, and reassure his father that we can handle things until Diane gets back next week." He closed his eyes.

"Because her partner couldn't possibly handle the case for a few days?" Alicia said, with a little chuckle.

Will smiled. "That's how some of these older, wealthy men are. You and I are pretty young to be name partners of an all services firm, one that consistently lands near the top of the lists of best Chicago firms each year. Some people, typically older men, don't trust anyone under fifty to handle their legal work, despite our reputation." He turned and put his arm around her. They remained quiet in the stillness of the dark for a few minutes.

"Is Zach all right?" she asked. "I was going to come down and meet you when you got home, but I came out of the room and saw you talking to him. I didn't want to interrupt."

He shifted closer to her. "Yes, he's fine. He was just a little worried about you. But I think I talked him through it."

"So I don't need to worry?"

Will smiled, leaning over to kiss her cheek. "No, you don't need to worry."

The following morning, Will was still in bed when Alicia left the room to make sure the kids were getting ready for school. She knew he was tired, and that he could get ready pretty quickly, so left him to rest, thinking he'd get up soon.

The kids were just finishing up their breakfast when Will appeared in the kitchen still wearing his pajamas. Alicia raised a brow to him as he sat sluggishly at the island. She handed him some coffee. "You okay?" she said, taking the kids bowls and placing them in the sink.

"I don't feel so good this morning. Would you mind getting me some juice instead?" He pushed the mug of coffee out of the way. She poured him some juice, and moved next to him as she handed him the glass, placing her hand to his forehead.

"Will, you're burning up. You can't go to work like this. You need to go back to bed and rest.

He took a long drink of his juice. "Leesh, I have to, there's too much to do. I'll take something, and come in later. I'm sure I'll feel well enough to put in a few hours in awhile."

She was skeptical as he stood from the stool. He took a few steps towards the hall, but had to reach for the wall to keep upright as a bout of dizziness hit him.

"Okay, that's it," Alicia said, hurrying over to him to help support his weight. "You are not going to work today. I'm going to help you back to bed." She turned to the kids. "Your lunches are on the counter. I love you both. Have a good day at school." She reached Will's arm around her shoulder to support him, as they headed for the stairs.

Not long after, she had him settled back in bed. Everything he could possibly need while she was gone was on the nightstand next to him. "Leesh, are you sure about this? Maybe if I rest for awhile I can come in. I'm just so exhausted."

She leaned over to kiss his warm forehead. "And you're running a fever. You are not coming in today, and don't try to argue with me. I'll be fine. You don't need to worry. I'm fully capable of holding things together for one day."

He smiled as best he could. "I know."

"I'll come home this afternoon to check on you, and get you some lunch. And under no circumstances are you to do any work from that bed." She raised a serious brow to him. "The firm won't fall apart if you take one day off."

"I don't think I have the energy to do any work even if I wanted," he admitted, feeling worse with every passing minute. "Send Cary with one of the senior partners to meet with the client from last night."

"Okay, but why Cary?"

"His first job out of college was with the State's Attorney office. He'll be able to gauge whether the charges are legitimate or not, and how much of a fight this defense is going to be."

"Okay," she turned to leave.

"Oh and Sweeney is coming in today. I forgot to tell you. He called just as I was leaving the office last night."

Alicia turned back around and rolled her eyes. "Sounds like fun," she said sarcastically.

He chuckled followed by a bout of coughing. "Just remind him of his boundaries, and you'll be fine."

She nodded. "Should be a good story to tell you when I get home." She moved back to the bed, placing one last fleeting kiss to his forehead. "I love you," she whispered. "Call me if you need anything."

He watched her exit the room and head down the hall. He already missed her.

She went home to check on him in the early afternoon. He was feeling awful, having become congested. Add to that body aches, and a bit of nausea. She made him some soup, and sat with him for awhile, his head nestled on her shoulder. She didn't want to leave him again. She wanted to stay there and take care of him, talk to him as a distraction from his misery, get him more medication, and a cold drink if needed it. He certainly deserved it after all the time in the past months when he'd taken care of her. But she had to cover a meeting for Diane since Will couldn't do it. She was glad he was nearly asleep again when she had to leave him.

He was still sick two days later. Alicia insisted he see a doctor. He didn't argue. He couldn't recall the last time he'd been so sick, and had missed even a day of work because of it.

" _A bad case of the flu,"_ the doctor had told them. _"It will probably take a few more days before you feel better."_

Will had apologized profusely for leaving Alicia to run the firm by herself for a majority of the week. She brushed it off, told him everything was running smoothly. There was no reason to worry. It was Friday anyway by the time he'd gone to see the doctor, and even if he wasn't feeling up to work by Monday, Diane would be back.

She got home later than expected Friday night. The kids were already in bed when she entered the bedroom and sat next to him on the edge of the bed. He was sleeping. She gently brushed her hand across his forehead and through his hair. He still felt a bit warm to her touch, but he seemed to breathing a bit easier.

He opened his eyes and looked up at her. "How are you feeling?" she asked quietly.

"Still not great," he admitted, trying to smile, but completely failing. "How was work?"

"Busy." She ran her hand soothingly over his arm. Then slipped her heals off her feet to get ready for bed.

He could tell from the look on her face, and tone in her voice, that something was bothering her. "Leesh, what's wrong?" he sat up, propping himself up on the pillows behind him.

She sighed, removing her watch, and pulling a t-shirt over her head. "Nothing." She climbed into bed next to him. "There's just so much of the law I don't…remember, or understand."

"Alicia, it's going to take time. You're doing great. Even the doctors are surprised at how well you've done at work. Did something happen today that's made you worry about it?"

"No. I just get into meetings sometimes, and part way trough, get completely lost. I can't answer everyone's questions that come up. I just get the sense that some people might be questioning my…position." She looked at him with worry in her eyes. "I've questioned a few people in depositions. But there's no way I could go to court and do the same."

As much as it pained him, he knew she was right. She'd done so well with everything, he'd put aside the fact that she really didn't know the technicalities of the law. She didn't know many of the legal terms, or ins and outs of putting together a good brief. She was learning, and got better at it every day. But in reality, the work she was doing was more equivalent to a legal assistant, or paralegal, than a name partner. Yes, she'd handled the questioning during their depositions in D.C. like a pro. But she'd gotten flustered a few weeks later when he had her try it again with a different client. After a few questions, she'd quietly scribbled a note on his legal pad telling him to take over the questioning.

In the past three months since she'd returned to work, he'd been so caught up in the excitement of the fact that she could even work at all, he'd failed to consider the reality of how her amnesia had really affected her legal mind.

"I like working Will. I like the law. It's just frustrating some days."

He reached a soothing hand to hers. "I can understand how it would be frustrating. But you have to keep in mind that three years of law school, and twenty years of hands on experience, isn't going to come back to you in a matter of months. You are doing great at work. But I think it's time for me to go through some of the more technical aspects of the law with you. You'll learn a lot just from listening, watching, and everything you're doing right now. But I need to be more conscious of explaining the reasons behind some of the things we do. And have you read through cases we sometimes offer up as examples in court."

"Maybe I could take some online courses," she suggested.

"I think that would be a great idea." His eyes only shown love and concern for her. She leaned over and kissed his forehead. "Leesh, you also need to ignore David Lee. He can get under everyone's skin sometimes."

She chuckled. "He did make a few remarks this week, nothing new, but overall he was surprisingly very helpful."

They settled under the sheets together, his head rested against her chest. She ran her fingers soothingly through his hair. "Is Brian on a partner track?" she asked, after a few minutes of silence.

"Yeah, I think he's up for partner next year. Why?"

"He seemed very…eager to help me out this week."

"He's probably just trying to impress you, so you'll vote in his favor next year. With Diane and I out, he probably saw an opportunity."

She nodded, but wondered if Brian had other motives. He'd seemed to have been at her every beck and call over the past few days. He'd even offered to stay late with her a few hours prior, which had been nice, it had helped her cut the work load down. But he'd more than once gotten them off topic chatting about life outside of the firm. She understood. He was about her age, single, and had gone back to law school a little later in life. She got the sense that he didn't have much of a social life outside of work. She'd finally had to tell him to keep on topic or she'd send him home. She didn't want to be any later getting back to Will than she already was.

"Enough about work. What can I do for my sick husband?"

"Just stay in the bed with me. I missed you this week. I get bored being here alone without you to talk to me."

She tightened her grasp around him. "I can handle that. You just better not get me sick," she mused.

He chuckled closing his eyes. "I promise to try and keep you healthy."

The following afternoon, Owen had taken the kids to see a movie. Will was doing a little better and he and Alicia were together on the couch. His head rested in her lap. He was watching a pre-game sports show. She was reading through some more journal entries.

"Listen to this," she said. _"I made partnership today! I still can't believe it. All the hard work and long hours finally paid off. It might be a little tight coming up with the capital contribution, but Will and I knew this day would come at some point for both of us, so we've been putting a little away each month all these years._

 _He surprised me tonight with a large bouquet of my favorite calla lilies, and took me out to dinner at one of our favorite places a few blocks away, for a quiet romantic dinner. He's so good to me, and doesn't seem to be bothered in the least that I made partner before he did. I think he might even be more excited about it than I am."_

She stopped reading and looked down at him. "Has it ever bothered you that I finished higher in our graduating class than you did? Or that I made partner before you?"

He chuckled. "Or that you made more money than I did until we started our firm?" He looked up at her with love in his dark brown eyes. "No. It's never bothered me to be a well kept man!" he laughed playfully, which caused her to follow suit.

"In all seriousness Leesh, no it never bothered me. I've always been proud of you and what you were able to accomplish. I don't have any right to hold you back from your potential or dreams because of some stupid male ego. We're equals in everything, no matter the rank, or pay grade." A broad smile crossed his lips. "And I thoroughly enjoyed seeing the looks on some of the male faces at my firm's holiday party, and a few black tie events we attended that year, when they found out you were a partner at one of the top firms in the city!" He reached up placing a hand to her cheek. "I do not feel threatened by your success."

She smiled at him leaning over to place a gentle kiss to his forehead. "Do you remember it, the day I made partner?" She asked, gazing into his eyes.

"Yes," he mused, laughing a bit at the memory. "I'll bet Diane remembers that day too if you asked her."

"Why?"

"Because she was in my office when you came to tell me."

/

 _"Are you in your office right now?" Alicia asked, smiling into the phone as she entered the elevator in his building._

 _"Yeah, just finishing up a couple of things. Did you want to have lunch together today?"_

 _"Yes!" She hung up before he could say anymore._

 _He stared at the phone in his hand for a few seconds before returning his attention back to Diane who was sitting on the couch opposite his desk. He stood to move back over to Diane, but before he took more than a few steps, Alicia burst into his office, not noticing his boss across the room._

 _She walked right over to him wrapping her arms around his neck. "Guess what?" She could barely contain the excitement in her._

 _"What?" he responded, trying to take in her enthusiasm, but still remain professional with Diane's eyes on them._

 _"You are looking at the newest equity partner at Kirkland & Ellis!" She was giddy with excitement, and the grin on her lips seemed to light up her entire face. _

_"You're kidding!" he said, enthusiastically._

 _"No! They offered it to me a few hours ago!" Unable to contain her excitement any longer, she rose up on her toes and pressed a firm kiss to his lips. She'd waited impatiently all morning until she had a chance to leave to come and tell him._

 _"I thought you said a few weeks ago there was no way they'd ever make a sixth year a partner?" he mused._

 _"I still can't believe it either. But Ellis pulled me into his office this morning, and said a few of the other equity partners had recommended me for partnership. I was shocked," she admitted. "Then he said the recommendation had been approved and would I like to take the day to think about it."_

 _"But you said yes?" he said, enthusiastically. He wouldn't have expected her do any different._

 _"I wasn't going to turn it down. This is what I've been working for the past six years. Can you believe it Will? I'm a partner!"_

 _He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer. "Leesh, I'm really proud of you! Congratulations!" He got that look in his eyes, all mushy, and loving, and sexy._

 _She quieted down, returning his gaze for a few seconds before she leaned in and kissed him again. She'd intended for the kiss to linger, but he broke it off almost as soon as her lips touched his. A pout formed on her mouth, as he turned her around and cleared his throat._

 _When Alicia saw Diane sitting there, a smile across her lips, Alicia's hand flew to her mouth. "Diane, I didn't see you there," she said, apologetically, blushing a bit from embarrassment._

 _Diane chuckled, getting up and moving towards the couple. "Congratulations Alicia! That's very impressive. From what I've heard that firm of yours doesn't usually even consider anyone for partnership until they're at least seven or eight years in. The fact that you did it in six is quite an accomplishment." She lightly embraced Alicia._

 _Alicia had impressed Diane from the first time they'd met at the firm holiday party their first year out of law school. Alicia had only been Will's girlfriend at the time, but hadn't shied away from his boss. The two women had ended up talking for a good portion of the evening on and off. Diane was surprised Alicia had only been out of law school eight months. She talked as though she'd been practicing law for a few years. Before Will and Alicia had gone home that night, Diane had pulled Will aside. "She's a good one Will. You should hold onto her."_

 _A friendship was born that night between the two women. Diane had subtly taken Alicia under her wing, inviting her to lunch with Will a few times in the following months. Then one day had asked Alicia to lunch without Will. Alicia didn't mind, she liked Diane, and still didn't have a lot of friends in the city. They continued to meet for lunch, or drinks periodically, sometimes with Will, and sometimes not. Diane would give her advice on how to handle the glass ceiling that was far more prevalent at her firm than Diane's. The two women's age difference didn't seem to get in the way either. Diane enjoyed Alicia's company and she liked Will. Will was smart and quick on his feet when it came to the law. She saw the potential in both of them. As the years went on, she had to try hard to not show favoritism to Will. Overtime, Diane had become a role model for Alicia, someone she admired, and looked up to. In ways Alicia was almost like the daughter Diane had never had. And now twenty-years later, they were all more like family than anything else._

 _"Thank you Diane," Alicia responded. "I'm sorry for interrupting,"_

 _Diane brushed it off, and left Alicia and Will alone._

 _Later that night Will had presented her with a bouquet of flowers, and had taken her to her favorite restaurant, a quiet little place not far from their apartment. He'd watched her all evening, taking in her beauty, and the smile that never left her face the entire evening. He made slow and passionate love to her that night. Showing her in every possible way just how proud he was of her._

 _/_

"It sounds like a good day," she said, smiling at him when he'd finished telling the story.

"It was,"

"You made partner the next year?" she asked, making sure she'd remembered correctly.

"Yes. And the following year Zach came along, a little unexpectedly."

"We didn't plan on him?" Alicia was a bit surprised. It had seemed to her that they had planned nearly all important things in their lives.

"No, we had planned on trying to get pregnant. But we didn't think it would happen after only a month of trying. It usually takes a few months for the birth control to work itself out of the system. And with all the stress of work, we just figured it would take awhile. That's part of the reason we had almost given up on getting pregnant with Kate. It had been easy, and fast with both Zach and Grace. But it took us over a year to conceive Kate."

She nodded, and they settled back into their previous activities, his attention on the game, and her reading some more, both enjoying the quiet afternoon together. Little did they know in those quiet loving moments spent together, that just a few short days later, things would be tossed upside down again.

 **A/N; Thank you all so much for the reviews and new follows!**


	33. Possible Challenges

**A/N; Just a quick note. I posted chapter 32 last week, but for some reason the site didn't send out any notifications. Other's have had similar problems the past week or so. I'm hoping that glitch in the system has been worked out. If you didn't read that chapter you may want to before you read this one.**

 **I appreciate all you readers who have stuck around. And welcome to the few new followers this past week!**

Will didn't usually get enraged over much. He fought hard in court, but never stepped too far over the line. Over the years, he'd managed his employees with fairness, instead of an iron fist. When an opponent tried to throw him off his game, he'd see it coming a mile away, and turn the tables right back onto them - in a court of law, and on the basketball court.

However, today at the end of one of his basketball games, his buttons had been pushed too far, and now he was out for blood. Because really the only thing that would completely set him off, was when someone tried to hurt his wife or his children. And that's exactly what was going on.

In fact he was livid, his temper at a peak, as he made his way through the halls of the firm. He was on the hunt for the man he presumed was attempting to destroy his wife's career.

When he spotted David Lee standing in Diane's office, there was little warning before he stormed in and had David pinned against the wall.

"What the hell Will! Get your hands off me!" David yelled, in protest.

Diane and Alicia both jumped from their seats at the abrupt physical interruption, and were staring at Will as though he'd lost his mind.

"What did you do?" Will said, furiously. His eyes bore into David's, a fistful of the man's shirt in his hand. "What have you been telling them?"

"Telling who?" David said, trying to get out from Will's grasp.

"What information have you been giving to the Bar Association?" His face was just inches from David's. "About my WIFE!"

Will wanted to throw a good punch to the man's face, but Alicia and Diane were at his side in a matter of seconds, telling him to let go of his victim.

"Will, try to calm to down," Diane said, sternly.

He let go and backed up a few paces as he glanced at Alicia, who looked none too happy about what she'd just witnessed.

"I'm not going to calm down," he continued, glaring at David. "He's trying to have Alicia disbarred!"

"What?" Diane said, her attention back on David.

"I am not," David protested.

"David, what makes you think that if you succeed in this slimy scheme, Diane and I would even consider promoting you?"

"I'm not the one that's been living in fantasy land the past three months pretending Alicia is still qualified to practice the law." David spat back.

Will took a few steps towards him, pointing his finger. "You don't have the right to make that judgment call!"

"You're right. I don't. But the Illinois Bar Association does. All I'm doing is looking out for the best interests of this firm. You and Diane are lucky that none of our clients have jumped ship yet, and that I've been able to continue to keep this firm profitable, while you've been distracted with _family issues_."

"Easy David," Diane said, attempting to lower the temperature in the room a few degrees.

David's comment only infuriated Will more. He took a step forward ready to strike, but Alicia stepped in between the two men before Will could move closer.

"Will, don't," she said sternly, folding her arms across her chest, her eyes meeting his.

"Why don't we all sit down so we can discuss what's going on?" Diane suggested.

"I think Will can handle that all on his own. I'm going back to work on this case we were discussing," David said, moving past Will and Alicia, towards the door.

"This isn't over David," Will said, as the older man exited Diane's office. To that, David just chuckled.

Alicia held Will's gaze for a few more seconds, before he looked away running a hand through his hair.

"You want to tell me what that was all about?" Alicia said, in a short even tone.

Will exhaled, and met her gaze again. "Someone's been feeding the Bar Association information telling them you aren't fit to be practicing the law anymore." He hated this, every single bit of it. He hated telling her, he hated the fact that David Lee, and possibly others in the firm had gone straight to the association without talking to them first. More than anything, he hated the idea that Alicia could be stripped of her law license.

"On what grounds?" Diane asked calmly, sitting back down in her chair.

"I'm not sure yet. If I had to guess, mental illness." His gaze fell on Alicia again as he moved closer to her, resting his hands on her waist. His anger from a few minutes prior was gone. His face only showed sorrow now.

"So what does that mean? What's going to happen?" Alicia asked. She was still trying to process the new bit of information, and it admittedly made her uneasy. If they took away her law license, what would she do? Where would she work?

"It means there will be a hearing in front of the Attorneys Compliance Disciplinary Board. They'll look at the evidence submitted, and determine if they think you're still capable to practice law."

Alicia nodded, and looked away. Will pulled her closer. "I'm sorry Leesh," he said softly.

A half smile crossed her lips, but he could tell she was near tears. "It's not your fault. We can't change the way I am now. There's nothing we can do."

"We can fight it," Diane said. "And that's exactly what we're going to do. They aren't going to take down one of the best legal minds I've ever known, without a fight."

Alicia bit her lower lip briefly. Pulling out of Will's grasp, she looked at Diane. "I appreciate that Diane, but I'm not...that anymore." She quickly glanced back at Will, and turned towards the door.

"Alicia," Will said, reaching for her hand.

"It's okay. I just want to be alone for awhile Will." She squeezed his hand, then turned and walked towards her office.

The other two watched her with heavy hearts as she entered her office and closed the door behind her. Will sighed, running his hands over his face as he sat across from Diane.

It pained her to watch the two of them, Alicia having to face the harsh reality of her memory loss, and Will unable to do anything about it.

"When is the hearing?" Diane asked.

"Probably sometime in the next few weeks. Tom Lancaster talked to me after our game today. There'll be an official notice sent over this afternoon."

"Maybe they'll just move her to disability inactive status for a period to see if more of her memory comes back. Even if it doesn't, it would give her some time to catch up, and be re-evaluated." Diane was already trying to come up with ways to prolong the chances of disbarment for as long as possible.

Will's gaze remained fixed on the floor at his feet. "Yeah, maybe."

"Will, whether you want to acknowledge it or not, we have to face the fact that Alicia does have a diagnosed mental disability now. That doesn't mean she's any less than she was before, but there are certain challenges that come along with that."

"I know Diane," he said, in frustration, looking back up at her. "But what am I supposed to do? Just let them take her license away, her life's work, her career? What's she going to do?" He pointed towards Alicia's office. "It's like taking part of her identity away."

"No Will, it isn't. Not anymore."

"So you agree with David?"

"No! I think disbarment would be difficult for Alicia. It would be for all of us. But she only knows that the law has been a major part of her life because everyone's told her so. It could have just as easily been that medicine, or accounting, had been a major part of her life instead. It wouldn't have made a difference to her. Let's admit that the one who's really going to be the most torn up about this, if it happens, is you. You're the one whose dreams will be destroyed, the dreams that you and Alicia used to share."

He knew she was right. He sighed heavily leaning back in his seat. "I hate this. I hate feeling powerless. I hate not being able to fix this."

"I know. But what you need to do now is stop being angry and support her. No matter what happens, Alicia's identity doesn't lie solely on being a lawyer. No matter the outcome, you need to help her realize that. If she's forbidden to practice the law, she's going to need something else to hold onto. She'll still have you, the kids, Kurt and I aren't going anywhere, but she's going to need something else to keep her busy. Something she can do to put that brilliant mind of hers to use."

He nodded. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Snow had begun to fall outside. The first of the season, and it was supposed to be heavy, leaving quite a few inches on the city before it moved on.

"What do we do about David?" Will finally asked.

"I don't know. We don't have good grounds to fire him, and he does bring the firm a lot of money each year."

Will stood. "We need to find a way to push him out quietly. Make him think it's his idea. It may hurt us short term, but I'm done messing around with his little games. There is no way I'm ever going to allow his name to sit next to mine on this firm's letterhead."

"I agree," Diane said.

Will looked at his watch. "I have a meeting. We can talk later."

Awhile later, Will noticed Lionel Dearfield walk past the conference room. There was only one reason he was there, to talk to Alicia. No matter how anxious it made Will to not sit in on the discussion with Alicia, he couldn't just leave in the middle of his client meeting.

When his meeting ended a few hours later, he went straight to her office.

She was sitting at her desk working on something when he closed the door behind him.

"What did Lionel say?" he asked, anxiously sitting down across from her.

She looked up at him with cautious eyes, sitting back in her chair. "The hearing will be a week from Monday. An independent party will do a full psychological evaluation on me next week. There findings will be submitted to the board. If we want to submit other documentation, medical records, written statements from other doctors, and be given a chance to plead my case before the board, we have to file a brief by the end of the day on Friday."

"I'll get the brief ready tomorrow. We're going to fight this Leesh,"

She went to stand near the window, peering out at the darkening Chicago skyline and the snow that was still falling. He went and stood next to her. He didn't know what to say to make it any better.

"Lionel said it might be difficult to fight this one, since this is the second time the disciplinary board has had to conduct an inquiry into my mental stability." She folded her arms across her chest, and looked at him. He looked as though it had just occurred to him what had taken place six years prior.

"Why didn't you say something earlier? I was completely blindsided by it."

He sighed. "I didn't even think about it this afternoon. I was too upset. I'm sorry."

She believed him, and nodded. "It was because of my depression wasn't it? One of my client's complained, got another attorney, and filed a complaint with the bar association?"

"Yes," he admitted. "Lionel told you all of that?"

"Yes. The board's not only going to look at how my amnesia has affected me, because someone told them that I was seeing a psychologist again for depression. Now that's become a factor as well." The uneasiness, and insecurity she was feeling, seemed to be growing every minute.

"You mean someone told them that, _we_ were seeing a psychologist?"

"Lionel said me. I told him that it was you and I, and that it had nothing to do with my depression all those years back. But I don't know Will, he didn't seem completely convinced." She looked away, bringing her hands to her neck, to gently massage her tense muscles.

Will moved behind her to take over the massaging. This bit of information concerned him some. If someone had found out she had been seeing Dr. Benson for depression before the accident, it could possibly be an issue. The board may want to investigate the cases she worked on during that time to make sure there hadn't been any compliance or ethical issues. But how would anyone have known she'd been seeing Dr. Benson during that time? He hadn't even known about it.

"You're so tense, you're going to get a headache," he said, gently. His hands moved from her neck to her shoulders.

"I've already got one." She closed her eyes for a few minutes trying to relax.

"So what did happen all those years ago?" she said, finally turning to face him.

They sat on her couch. He put his arm around her. "It's almost exactly what you said. You took the twelve weeks of maternity leave you had after Kate died. By the end of the twelve weeks, things were still shaky, but with the help of the medication, you were at least stable, and came back to work part time. That had been the plan anyway, for you to work part time for a year. And Dr Benson thought it might be good for you to have something to occupy your mind with during the day. About a month after you returned to work, one of your client's decided to take their business elsewhere because they felt you weren't giving them the attention they needed. The attorney he took his business to, a real jerk by the way, filed a complaint for his client claiming that you had misrepresented them due to your depression." He shook his head. "The whole thing was ridiculous. And when the disciplinary board found out the claims were based on a disgruntled client, nothing you'd done wrong ethically, the case was dropped. It was a wasted month of extra work, stress, and a few setbacks, that we didn't need at the time."

She nodded resting her head against his shoulder. "I wouldn't worry about it Leesh. You'll pass that evaluation with flying colors, and you're not depressed now."

"Yes. But there is still the issue of not remembering a lot of the law." She sighed heavily. Some of her old insecurities from previous months creeping back into her mind.

"I know, but you're learning and doing more every day. That has to count for something."

She looked at her watch. "I don't want to talk about it anymore right now. I'm going to go home, and make dinner." She stood to gather a few things before she left.

"Okay, I can be ready to leave in a fifteen minutes," he headed for the door.

"Will, you can stay. You probably have a lot to get done after that meeting today. I want to get home so I can rest." She sounded exhausted.

He hesitated placing his hand on the doorknob. "No, it's fine. I'll drive us home. I'd like to have dinner with you and the kids. I'll do more work from home later." Sensing her eyes on him, he turned slowly to meet her gaze.

She was a bit frustrated overall from the day's events, and couldn't figure out why he was insisting he drive them home. It normally wouldn't bother her, but it did tonight. "I'm ready to leave now. I don't want to wait. My head is pounding, I just want to get home. And my car is here."

"Leesh, it'll only take me five minutes, and there's round the clock security for the building. We can leave your car here overnight."

She furrowed her brow at him, placing her hands on her hips. She was getting frustrated with him, and could tell he wasn't going to back down. "Okay, fine, whatever you want."

He sighed, and stepped over to her again. "Leesh, I'm not comfortable with you driving home alone in this weather, okay? It's safer for me to drive us."

"You're not comfortable with it? Or because of everything else today, you're second guessing my abilities?" She was sorry she'd said it, as soon as the words left her lips. She felt worse when his expression turned to one of worry.

"No, I'm sorry. I trust your abilities one-hundred percent. I know how that sounded. It didn't come out the way I meant it." He reached for her again, and to his surprise, she didn't pull away.

"Leesh, I'm just worried about you. I've been dreading the snow for months, and this is a really bad storm. It scares me to death to even think about you getting into another accident. You'd probably be fine driving home, and I'm sure I'll feel more comfortable with this over time. But for tonight, please just let me take us home."

His eyes were pleading with her. She placed her hand to his chest. "Okay," she said softly. "I didn't know you were so worried about it." A tiny smile crossed her lips. "It's probably a good idea anyway, with my headache. But Will, you can't drive me everywhere for the next four months."

"I know. I'm sure I'll feel better about it once the snow has stopped, and the roads have been cleared. I just don't want anything to happen to you again." He smiled and placed a quick kiss to her lips before leaving her office.

Later that night they were sitting in bed together. Despite their best efforts, they were both a little down. Will was reading some work material, retaining little of it. He'd have to re-read it all again in the morning.

Alicia set her journal down and looked at him. "What am I going to do if I can't practice law anymore? I've spent the last six months trying to learn it all over again, and for what if they're going to take my license away?"

Will closed his laptop, and set it aside. He moved closer to her placing his hand on her shoulder. "We will find something else for you to do. You're smart, and fully capable of doing a lot of things." He wished he had a better answer for her. Wished he could tell her she didn't need to worry about it because losing her license wasn't going to happen. But the truth was, he was worried sick, and he wondered if she had seen right through his words.

He got a funny little smile on his lips. "But you're not going to lose your license," he said, trying to be encouraging.

She knew he was trying to make her feel better, and she was grateful for it. "I'm really worried about it," she admitted softly. "I don't want to have to learn a new trade. Maybe just for fun, but not for a career."

His hand moved soothingly over her arm. "I know. I wish I could make this go away."

"I know you do. Thank you," she leaned in a pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

A minute later, he got out of the bed. "Come on," he said, holding out his hand for her.

"Where are we going?"

"Downstairs. I know something that might help cheer us up a bit."

She looked at him for a few more seconds before getting out of bed and taking his hand.

He turned on the kitchen light, and went straight to the freezer. She watched as he pulled out the ice cream and set it on the counter. She chuckled as she sat on the barstool while he pulled two mugs from the cupboard.

"Will, its ten-degrees outside. Do you really think eating ice cream is a good idea?"

He laughed under his breath, and smiled at her before he put a pot on the stove to heat up. She watched in curiosity as he pulled a few other items from the pantry.

"What are you making?"

"A hot cocoa float," he said, turning his attention back to his cooking.

She couldn't help but laugh. "A what?"

"A hot cocoa float." He added a few ingredients to the pot, and then turned to face her. "When we were in college, and got really stressed out, usually a few days before finals, we'd break out the ice cream in the middle of the night. We continued to do that once we started working when one or both of us had a really rough few days. Honestly, being young associates for a few years really sucked sometimes." They both laughed.

One cold snowy night after we'd been married for a few years, we were both pretty stressed out, and really low on sleep. It was cold, and I suggested we make some hot cocoa. You said you wanted ice cream. I made cocoa, you made yourself a bowl of ice cream. You put the ice cream back in the freezer, and got this really funny look on your face. You took a spoon and put some of your ice cream in your cocoa mug. I thought you were crazy, but after you tasted it, you insisted I try it. Turns out it was really good!" He turned back around stirring his mixture for another minute, and then removed it from the stove.

"But won't the hot liquid just melt the ice cream?"

"It does after a few minutes. It just makes the cocoa creamier."

He filled each mug, and scooped some ice cream into each. Then he handed her one of the mugs and a spoon. "Mint chocolate chip has always been our flavor of choice for this. Oh, and don't tell the kids. This is our own little secret. If we told them, they'd want it all the time."

She smiled shaking her head, dipping her spoon into the mug. "I like all of these parental secrets." She smiled, and then put the spoon into her mouth. "Mmm, you're right. This is really good!"

He chuckled. "Yes, and it temporarily eases the stress a bit. Come into the other room with me."

She followed him into the family room. He turned on the gas fireplace and they sat together on the couch wrapped up in a blanket indulging in their late night treat.

Sometime later when they had long finished their snack, they were snuggled quietly together, their eyes getting heavy in the dim fire light. She liked this, sitting here with him wrapped up in his warm embrace, watching the snow fall outside. It was moments like these where she sometimes wished they could remain just the way they were forever. She snuggled more comfortably against him. "When do we get to do this again?" she asked sleepily, closing her eyes.

He tightened his grasp around her, resting his head on hers. "Whenever you want Leesh," he whispered.

* * *

In the days following, they didn't talk much about the upcoming hearing. Just enough to get things ready, and for Alicia to understand what would happen during the hearing. Will wanted her to open up to him, tell him how she was feeling about the whole situation. But after their hot cocoa night, whenever he brought it up, she'd talk about it for a few minutes, and then move onto other topics. On the outside, she seemed to be handling things better than he was, but he wondered if it was really a front, a coping mechanism, to avoid her real feelings.

Will on the other hand, was extremely worried. But he continued to play the role of the strong, supportive husband, her biggest defender. A few times he'd overheard employees talking quietly about the situation, and had nearly come unglued. Diane was grateful they didn't have to wait any longer than a few weeks for a decision to be made. She was pretty sure if they had to wait longer, Will's productivity for the final quarter of the year would have sunk to some of his lowest levels ever.

Alicia's psychological evaluation had gone well. At least that's what she thought. She'd been nervous at first, but felt fairly confident once it was over.

After a few days of bad weather, and Will riding as passenger, his nerves about Alicia's driving subsided - for the most part. But there would always be a little voice in the back of his head causing a little bit of worry when she drove in bad weather conditions.

On the day of the hearing everyone was nervous. Will, Alicia and Diane had all tried to get some work done in the morning, but it had been less than productive.

The time finally came for them to head to the hearing. As Will and Alicia exited her office, she felt more anxiety and sadness than she had since they'd first found out about the whole thing. She didn't like the idea of not being allowed to work at the firm anymore, and hoped more than anything she'd be allowed to keep her license.

She paused just outside the door, and glanced back into her office, squeezing Will's hand.

He held hers tighter in response, and leaned close, whispering in her ear. "It's going to be okay Leesh. No matter what happens, it'll be okay."

Her gaze met his again. It was only the love and reassurance she saw in his eyes that forced her feet to start walking towards the elevators.


	34. Questions

The disciplinary hearing had been going on for quite some time. Even though it wasn't a formal trial, many aspects of it resembled one. A few days prior, the board had been given a formal report containing the findings and recommendations from Alicia's psychological evaluation. Added to that, was the documentation that had been submitted by her physicians, and Dr. Benson.

The board chairman had briefly gone over the allegations submitted against her, in regards to her amnesia, and had spent some time going over the findings from the formal report. Even though discussing all of this so openly had made Alicia considerably uncomfortable, overall, things seemed to be fairly positive.

Since David Lee had been the one to file the formal complaint, he'd been brought in for questioning. After which, the board had questioned both Will and Diane.

The board chairman had explained that all of this was necessary to help them gain a better understanding of exactly the kind of work Alicia had been doing in the past few months. By the time a fifteen minute recess was called, Will and Diane were feeling fairly confident in what had gone on.

Alicia on the other hand, did not share in their same feelings. The whole situation had caused her to feel uncomfortable, and more exposed than she would have liked. In some ways she felt like a criminal might, standing trial for their misdeeds. It was frustrating because up until a few weeks prior she hadn't felt like she'd been doing anything wrong by working. She'd felt like she knew her limitations, and that she, Will, and Diane had been meticulously careful in deciding what she would work on so that they wouldn't be crossing any ethical lines. Now she wasn't so certain going back to work before she knew or had remembered a lot more of the law, had been such a great idea.

As soon as they exited the meeting room for the break, Alicia walked a ways down the hall and began pacing. She would be questioned once the hearing got back under way.

"Alicia, it's almost over." Will grasped her hand, pulling her close to him, forcing her to stop her pacing.

"I don't think we need to worry. There hasn't been any evidence presented that would suggest you've put any client's at risk, despite what David said, or that you've done anything ethically wrong. We've all been careful. I think the board members can see that."

"I know. I just...I'm nervous. What if I don't know the answers to some of their questions?" she said quietly, relaxing a little at his nearness.

"You'll do great. Just answer honestly. If you don't know the answer to something, just move on. Don't dwell on it."

She nodded. "I don't want to disappoint you," she said softly, looking down at the floor. On top of everything else, she didn't want to let him down. He'd supported her one-hundred percent. Had told her numerous times it didn't matter what the outcome of the hearing was. But she couldn't quite get rid of the little voice in the back of her mind that would feel guilty if they could no longer work together. She knew how much running their own firm meant to him.

"You won't disappoint me. This has nothing to do with our relationship. I love you no matter what happens in there, okay?"

"Okay."

He pressed a soft kiss to her forehead before they went back into the meeting room.

The chairman began by asking her a few simple questions. When she'd gone back to work? The types of cases she'd been working on, and how she felt about her work. But then the difficult questions began.

"It's obvious that you and your partners have tried to be careful during the past months. At any time since returning to work, have you met with any clients one on one without another attorney present?"

Will and Diane were both certain that answer was no.

"Only once," Alicia said.

Will and Diane exchanged looks of surprise.

"A few weeks ago, Will and Diane were both out of the office. I met with a potential client. Things were busy at work that day. I didn't think much about it, getting someone else to sit in with me, until the meeting had ended. But it went fine. The client signed on with us a few days later."

The six members of the board were busy jotting down notes.

"You've conducted some questioning in depositions in the past few months?"

"Yes, on two separate occasions. But each time Will was present, and he and I had discussed the questions I would ask before hand." The chairman nodded.

"Alicia, can you give us a reason an attorney would need to file a motion to impeach a witness who was testifying in court?"

Alicia glanced quickly at Will, then back at the man sitting across from her. "No, I can't."

"Can you tell us what Federal Rule 408 covers?"

"No." She began to feel nervous, twisting her hands together in her lap beneath the table.

"Do you know what an Amicus Curiae brief is, and the reason an attorney would need to file one?"

She briefly glanced down at her sweaty palms, and inhaled in an attempt to calm her nerves. "I...don't know." She looked back up at the six faces staring back at her from across the table.

Will took a hold of one of her hands beneth the table squeezing it tightly.

They asked a few more questions similar to these, most of which Alicia couldn't answer.

"Alicia, I think it's fair to say the main concern of the board is whether or not you can ethically, knowledgeably, and professionally, still perform your duties as an attorney with your memory loss. As already discussed, the results of your evaluation show no mental incapacity aside from the amnesia. Statements and testimonies submitted by the doctors are all consistent with that. But one of the issues we have is that you don't remember, or know many of the things that a working attorney needs to in order to fairly represent clients."

Will cut in. "That may be true, but she's learning more of it every day. She studies. She does research, and asks questions if she doesn't know something. She's working hard to gain back the knowledge she needs. We've been very careful when assigning her work. We haven't put any of our client's in compromising situations, and we won't do so. You have sworn testimonies stating Alicia's cognitive functioning is excellent. Not sub par, not average, but excellent. She's made considerable progress in just a few months, and the doctors believe she is fully capable of relearning all of the material she needs in order to be an effective attorney again."

"We will take all of that under consideration Mr. Gardner. But one of the issues we have is that no matter how well you and Ms. Lockhart manage things, there's always a chance something will slip through the cracks."

Alicia spoke up. "That may be true, but no more so than the risk they take with every single other employee we have. Mr. Chairman, I understand your concerns. But I'm well aware of my limitations. You're worried I'm going to try to represent a client in court, or negotiate a settlement without understanding what I need to. But I'm not going to do any of that until I've relearned everything I need to know."

He nodded, before moving on. "There's one other matter we need to discuss. A few days ago we received some anonymous information regarding a situation from last February. We understand that that you don't recall many things that happened prior to your accident. But with conduct and ethics violations, there isn't a statute of limitations."

The chairman had everyone's attention now, all wondering where exactly this was going.

"What conduct and ethics violations?" Will asked, leaning forward in his seat.

"The information we received stated that Alicia wasn't mentally stable in January or February of this year. That she was being treated for depression and that there was a chance she had misrepresented some of her clients. Because of the allegations, and since Alicia signed a waiver of doctor-patient privilege, we asked Dr. Benson if he'd been treating her during that time."

Alicia looked at Will with confusion and worry in her eyes. "Is it true?"

He wanted to look away. The guilt was seeping through him, but there was no way around it now. He deeply regretted not telling her about what had gone between them before the accident. At least then he would have been able to control the conversation, had the opportunity to explain. But he'd avoided it because he was worried about what she would think of him. He was planning on telling her at some point. He knew he'd have to eventually because she'd read her journal entries from that time, and she'd know. But he'd wanted to wait until she'd gotten closer to reading those entries.

He held her gaze. "Yes," he sighed, looking back at the board members. "But Diane and I didn't know about it until after her accident."

Everyone in the room looked surprised except for Diane. "You're her husband, and you didn't know she was seeing a psychologist?"

"No, I didn't. And the fact that she hid it so well, should be enough to tell you that it's highly unlikely she did anything wrong at work that would substantiate these allegations." He glanced back towards Alicia who furrowed her brow at him, looking even more confused than before. He could he tell she wasn't happy about any of this.

The chairman had to gather his thoughts after hearing this. "Since the allegations were submitted to the Bar Association, we are obligated, by law, to investigate. We asked Dr. Benson to send us your medical records dating back to the beginning of this year. We had a chance to go through them, and he mentions that he had diagnosed you with major depression. That you were having suicidal thoughts, and that he'd prescribed you some medication to take. Under the circumstances, it's necessary for us look through any cases you were working on from mid-January through the time of your accident. You can submit the case files willfully, or we'll get a subpoena to have them turned over to the board."

"We haven't had any complaints from our clients. We'll turn them over without any trouble," Diane said. "Like Will, I don't believe you'll find Alicia did anything wrong during that time."

Will was grateful Diane had cut in. He was fuming trying to figure out who would have known about Alicia's depression, and turned that information over to the association.

"Okay, good. We'll have a decision for you tomorrow regarding the amnesia, and handle the other once we've finished our investigation. Alicia, do you have anything else you want to say?"

The torrent of emotions that had built up inside of her was enough to shatter her completely. But she remained composed. "I like being a lawyer. Considering everything that's happened, I think I've done a good job at work. I will continue to do a good job. I may not remember a lot of my past, or technicalities related to the law, but that doesn't mean those memories won't come back at some point. And until they do, I'm going to do my best to relearn what I need to, if you give me the opportunity."

The chairman nodded. "Thank you. We'll be in touch tomorrow."

They exited the room. None of them felt like the last bit had gone well. But that was not Will's biggest concern as he reached to take Alicia's hand, which she refused to grasp onto. She pulled her coat on, and instinctively folded her arms across her chest as they all exited the building in silence.

"See you back at the office," Diane said, once they'd reached their cars. Alicia got into the car without saying anything.

"We need to find out who leaked that information. Did you tell anyone besides Kalinda, when I first told you about it?" Will asked.

"No, I'd never do that, and Kalinda wouldn't do something like this."

Will sighed. "I know." He got into the car and started driving out of the parking garage. He began to wonder if Alicia had confided in someone else in the firm during those months. She was friends with many of the other attorneys. But to his knowledge, not close enough to any of them that he thought she would have shared such personal information.

They drove in silence for a few minutes, each caught up in their own thoughts. "Alicia,"

"Take me home before you go back to the office," she said quietly, staring out the passenger side window.

"Okay."

A few more minutes went by. "Do you want to talk about it?" The silence was killing him. He didn't know what to expect, or what she was thinking.

"Not right now." She continued to avoid his gaze. The truth was she didn't know what to think. She was angry, hurt, nervous, and feeling extremely insecure.

They entered the house, and he followed her into the kitchen. She'd managed to hold it together in the past two weeks since they'd found out about the hearing nearly flawlessly. She'd been able to choke down the lumps in her throat that had threatened tears a few times. She'd been able to put on a brave face, ignore the whisperings around the office much better than Will had, but not anymore. With her back turned to him, she grasped onto the edge of the counter, unable to hold in the emotions pooling inside her anymore. Bending over slightly, bringing her other hand to her stomach, she began to sob.

Will moved in front of her in seconds. "I'm sorry Leesh. I know you're angry, and you have every right to be," he said desperately.

She looked at him, tears spilling from her eyes. "I don't know what I am Will. I don't know if I should be angry at you or not. I certainly don't understand how or why you wouldn't have known I was seeing a psychologist for nearly two months," she said with raised voice through her tears.

"I'm sick of this. I'm tired of feeling anxious, and insecure. I'm tired of hearing about my past from other people, and being completely thrown for a loop. On top of all of that, I've spent countless hours researching, trying to catch up, working as best I can, and for what if they're just going to strip me of my license?"

She inhaled, wiping at some of the tears on her cheeks. "I," she looked away as more tears spilled from her eyes. "I can't do this anymore," she said in quiet frustration. "I just...It's too much Will." She took one step forward and collapsed into his embrace. She buried her head against his shoulder, sobbing, as he tightened his grasp around her.

He held her there for a few minutes allowing her to cry. He wanted nothing more than to take all the grief away from her. Eventually the tears subsided. She pulled back a bit and looked up at him.

His heart was broken. Aside from the fact that he knew he'd have to tell her everything from before the accident, he didn't know how to make the situation any better. His hand moved to the loose strands of hair around her face, and gently brushed them behind her ear.

"What am I going to do Will?" Her red, swollen eyes pleading with him for an answer.

His hands moved to her arms. He pressed his forehead to hers. "We are going to take everything one day at a time. We'll figure it out. But we really need to talk about what happened before your accident, because it's more involved than it may seem."

"Why didn't you tell me about it? This seems like the kind of thing you should have mentioned at some point when we were discussing my depression from a few years back. Was it related to that, or something completely different?"

"I know I should have told you before you now, but I was worried about what you would think – of me. I was being selfish, I admit it."

She furrowed her brow, but before she had a chance to respond, they heard the sound of the garage door going up. They both sighed. "I'm going to go take a long shower. The kids can't see me like this. Zach will be worried sick," she said, pulling away from him.

"Okay. I'll come up in awhile. We have to talk about this Alicia."

She headed for the stairs. He took off his suit coat, and called Diane to tell her he wouldn't be back in the rest of the day.

"How's Alicia?" she asked.

"Not good. Listen the kids just got home, I can't talk right now. I'll put in a few more hours here later tonight."

He hung up with Diane, and smiled at the kids as they came into the kitchen in search of something to eat.

"Why are you and Mom home so soon?" Grace asked.

"Your mom's hearing was this afternoon, and we decided to take the rest of the day off. She wants to rest for awhile, so don't bother her. Finish up your snacks, and get your homework done."

"I need help with my math," Grace said.

"Okay. I need to make a few phone calls in the den, and then I can help you with it."

Awhile later, he went to check on Alicia. He found her on their bed with the laptop open. She glanced up at him when he came in, but didn't say anything.

She looked tired, her eyes still slightly red and swollen. She'd obviously shed some more tears once she'd come upstairs. _Probably in the shower,_ he thought. Knowing he'd been the cause of some of her tears, tore him up inside. He'd thought that by keeping their marital problems from her, he was somehow protecting her. But that wasn't really the case. The person he'd really been protecting was himself.

Moments like these over the past months were difficult. They could be sitting right next to each other, yet it felt like a thousand miles lay between them.

"Does witness impeachment happen very often?" she asked, looking up at him from the laptop as he walked closer to her.

He sat next to her, leaning over to see what she was looking at. He knew immediately what she'd been doing for the past while - looking up information on the questions she'd been unable to answer earlier. That determination was something he loved about her. Even though part of her may feel like giving up - being questioned earlier hadn't exactly done much for her self-esteem. Never again would she be unable to answer any of those same questions.

"No. Not too often. That's one reason to check, and double check all your witnesses' information before putting them on the stand. You don't want your client's fate hanging on someone who isn't credible, and end up having their testimony thrown out."

She closed the laptop and pulled her knees into her chest. It was only five-thirty, but she'd put on sweats, and a long sleeved tee.

"How are you?" he asked, placing his hand on her leg.

"I don't know. I feel like everything is upside down again, and I can't get control of any of it." She brought her hand to face wiping at the tears that escaped again. "And I can't seem to stop crying." She tried to make light of the tears, curving her lips into a sad little smile.

He put his arm around her, pulling her closer to him. "It sure does seem hard to be a woman sometimes, all those hormones thinking they can take over your body." A loving smile crossed his lips.

This made her laugh a little. "Yeah, it's not so great sometimes." She rested her head gently on his shoulder. She was still uncertain how she felt about the information he'd kept from her. But despite the turmoil threading through her, she still felt comfort in being held by him.

"I called Owen," he said.

"You what? Will, I don't need someone here while you go back to work. Owen is the last person I want to talk to right now. He asks too many questions sometimes. And he thinks the best way to ease my stress is to keep topping off my wine glass." She rolled her eyes.

He chuckled. "I'm not going back to work tonight. He's coming over in a half-hour to take the kids to his place for the night."

"Why? They have school tomorrow, and he'll keep them up too late."

He took her hand, threading his fingers through hers. "They'll be fine. They're excited to have a sleepover on a school night. And Owen was more than happy to do it. He didn't even ask why on such short notice." She shifted, meeting his gaze again.

"We need some time to talk about what was going on before your accident, and it'll be better if the kids aren't here."

He seemed sad and worried. His mood did nothing to ease her own anxiety. She held his gaze for a few seconds before responding. "Okay. Then I'm going to go downstairs so I can see them before they leave."

"Okay," he said quietly, before pressing a soft kiss to her forehead.

She cautiously stood from the bed and headed towards the door. "Are we going to be okay after you tell me what happened?" she asked, reaching for the doorknob, glancing back at him. The idea that he felt it necessary to send the kids away for the night worried her.

His dark brown eyes seemed to be pleading with her. "Yeah."

He didn't sound or look all that convincing, but she turned and left the room anyway.

He sighed, leaning back against the pillows, staring up at the ceiling. "I hope so," he said, under his breath, desperately wanting to be right.

 **A/N I know it's mean to leave it right here, but their discussion will likely be lengthy. I figured you'd all rather have an update now, instead of waiting another week. I'd be interested in anyone's thoughts about how you think this will all go, the hearing decision, and their discussion. Leave me a note if you have the time.**


	35. What Went Wrong?

Alicia closed the front door to shut out the cold winter air, and turned to face Will who was leaning against the stair railing. _The house is so quiet without the kids,_ she thought, as he stretched out his hand for her to take.

She grasped onto it, as they headed to the family room. He'd been very quiet in the forty-five minutes since he'd told her Owen was coming for the kids.

She was nervous, not knowing what to expect, as they sat on the couch next to each other. A mix of emotions appeared on his face, as he took her hand into his and nervously played with her fingers as he began.

"Before I tell you what went on between us in the months before your accident, there are a few things I want you to keep in mind. Remember everything I tell you is from my own perspective. I want you to know that I regret many of the things I did and said, during that time. Without going into much detail, I was angry, really angry at some points, because I didn't understand why things were falling apart like they were. I still don't understand it completely. But I want you to know that I haven't done anything, or treated you the way I have since your accident, because of what happened before. I've tried very hard to put it behind us, and focus on the relationship we have now."

The way he looked at her, the pleading and concern in his voice made her want to crumble inside all over again. He'd been angry? Things were falling apart between them? The suspense was nearly killing her. "Okay. I promise to keep all of that in mind. Will you please just tell me what was going on?" she said, a tiny, nervous smile across her lips.

He nodded affirmatively, squeezing her hand. "You and I were really struggling in the months before your accident. Our relationship, our marriage, was falling apart. We've had difficult times throughout our marriage, after Kate died, and at other points. But I never would have imagined things would get as bad as they did. One of the most frustrating things for me during that time was that I didn't know exactly what had started our spiral downward. I thought I knew, and because of that, I probably made things worse."

She began to wonder what exactly he had done. His tone seemed to indicate he felt pretty badly about it, and she somehow knew he hadn't been the only culprit to what sounded like some pretty serious problems. Some of it had to have been her fault as well.

"I didn't see any of it coming. One day we were happily married. We'd just celebrated our anniversary, a few weeks later my birthday, it seemed to me we were completely, madly, in love with one another. Work was good, the kids were good. And then a few weeks later, everything started to change, and by March..." He sighed, and briefly looked away from her. This was more difficult for him to talk about than he'd imagined it would be.

"On the night of your accident, we got into an argument, something that we did frequently during those months. That night was no different, but after going back and forth for awhile, you told me you thought we should separate for some time."

Her eyes grew big. "Separate?" She had to let that sink in. "If things had become that strained between us, then I don't get it. Why would you do everything you did after the accident, unless it was out some sort of guilt or pity?" Despite what he'd prefaced this conversation with, she couldn't help but wonder if their relationship had been rebuilt on those exact things. The thought didn't make her very happy.

"Alicia, my actions after the accident have had nothing to do with guilt or pity. Admittedly, sitting there in that hospital waiting for you to wake up gave me plenty of time to think about things. I was hurting, and angry, but I still loved you. I wasn't the one who wanted the separation."

"So our marriage falling apart was my fault?" She furrowed her brow, feeling guilty for things she didn't even know she'd done.

"No. We were both at fault. I didn't know your depression had come back. I didn't know about it until Dr. Benson called me a few weeks after the accident and told me he was worried because you'd missed a few appointments, and weren't returning any of his calls."

"So it was my depression that started all of it, I didn't tell you about it, and that made things difficult during those months? I don't understand why I would keep that a secret from you. Unless I was trying to hide it like my mother always did." She rolled her eyes.

"I think your depression returning may be what started it. I think that's why you started distancing yourself from me, brushing off any attempts at affection. But I don't know for certain. During those months, I could hardly ever get a straight answer out of you on a lot of things, and some questions you avoided all together. I think the reason you decided to continue to keep the depression from me was because," He paused, looking down at their entwined hands. Of all the things he'd done during those months, this was the near the top of things he regretted most. Partially because he'd been so awful to her.

He looked back into her eyes, squeezing her hand. She could tell how difficult this was for him. "I accused you of having an affair." He let the words sink in for a few seconds. "And when you told me you weren't, that you couldn't even believe I would think such a thing, I didn't believe you. I wouldn't let it go." The look of regret in his eyes was clear.

She stared at him in horror for a few seconds. "Why? Was it a lie? Did you have proof?" She was mortified. Not because of his disbelief in her, but because of the idea that she'd cheated on him. If it were true, how could she ever look at him the same again, even if she didn't remember having an affair? She could only imagine the hurt something like that would cause. Could she really blame him for being upset?

"No, I didn't have proof. And I confronted the person I thought you were having an affair with after your accident, and he denied it as well."

"So I didn't have an affair?" She was relieved beyond words.

"I don't believe you did anymore. After talking to Peter, and to Julia when she was here in May, I'm pretty sure I made a huge mistake in ever believing that you'd told me anything but the truth."

"Peter who?" she asked.

"Peter Florrick"

Recognition shot through her. "Really? You thought I was sleeping with the newly elected Governor?"

"He wasn't the governor at the time. He'd been trying to convince you to come work for him. And - you had dated him in college."

She let out a breath of air, running her hands over her face. "This is a lot to take in," she stood from the couch and moved to the window across the room.

He went to stand next her, wrapping his arm around her as they stared out the window at the darkened winter sky. "I know," he said softly.

They stood there in silence for a few moments, each absorbed in their own thoughts. "Will," she looked up at him, a disturbing thought crossing her mind. "What happened after I told you I wanted to separate?" She pulled away from his grasp, and placed a hand over her mouth inhaling to calm the anxiety that had suddenly come over her. "We never talked about it - the reason I was out driving around in the snow that night."

She inhaled again, and turned away from him. Tears were nearing the surface once again. "I did this to myself, didn't I?" She couldn't keep the tears in anymore, but what she didn't see at that moment, was his own pained effort to hold in his own emotions. "I left. And because I left I..." She inhaled again at new horrifying thought. She turned and looked right into his eyes. Fear an anxiety causing her to tremble. "It wasn't a suicide attempt was it? Earlier at the hearing, Dr. Benson's notes said I was suicidal." She inhaled deeply, almost gasping for air. The thought terrified her.

He reached out grasping onto her tightly. "Alicia, No! Calm down. It wasn't. You were driving to a hotel that night. But I should have stopped you!" His own voice was filled with emotion. He'd held in his guilt for months. He felt responsible for what had happened to her. "I never should have let you leave that night. No matter how angry you were. All night there had been reports of bad weather. They were encouraging people to stay off the roads. The snow was wet, and thick, and the roads had been covered in a layer of ice." A few tears escaped his own eyes. "'I'm so sorry Leesh. I blame myself for what happened to you. If I could go back a year, I'd believe everything you told me to be true, and maybe you would have admitted to me how much you were struggling, and we,"

He shook his head attempting to get control over his own emotions. "Maybe we could have fixed things, and you never would have been our driving around that night."

This was hard for both of them. Each heartbroken at the pain they saw in the other. "No, Will, you can't blame yourself. How do you know you would have been able to keep me here? If I'd have wanted to leave, I would have found a way no matter what you tried to do." More tears trickled down her cheeks. "It was my fault. I'm the one that left."

Will pulled her closer wrapping his arms around her. Her head rested against his chest. "Maybe we can agree we are both to blame," he said.

"Maybe we should just blame the bad weather," she responded.

His hand ran soothing circles over her back. "Maybe. Aside from that, I've been waiting for months to tell you how sorry I am for the way I treated you, and for saying some of the awful things I did to you during that time. I know you don't remember, but please forgive me." His entire body seemed to be pleading with her.

She glanced up at him, wiping at a few of her own tears. "I forgive you," she said gently. "I feel like I should be apologizing to you."

He leaned closer placing a kiss to her forehead. "I appreciate that," he said, softly.

She let her head rest against him again, closing her eyes, allowing herself to feel the comfort of his embrace. "I wish I could understand it all better. I wish I could remember, so we'd know what I'd been thinking."

"This may sound crazy, but I've been worried sick you would get those memories back, and remember how angry you were at me. I thought that if you remembered all the old emotions, and feelings, that maybe you'd decide you really didn't want to be with me anymore. If that happened, I don't know what I'd do."

He pulled back a bit so he could into her eyes again. "I feel like we've been given another chance, and I don't want anything to mess that up."

She smiled up at him cupping his face in her hands. "Even if those memories come back at some point, Will, I can't imagine deciding that being without you would be better than what we have now. I love what we have. I love you. It makes me sad to even think about wanting something different."

A smile filled with a whole lot of relief, crossed his lips. "Okay,' he said. His hand ran smoothly through her hair, brushing it away from her neck.

They gazed into one another's eyes for a few moments. She still felt anxious, and uncertain about everything that had gone on during the day. But there was an enormous amount of warmth and comfort in having him so close to her. She leaned in and pressed a warm lingering kiss to his lips. She wanted him to not only know, but feel how grateful she was for putting up with the mess the previous year that she still didn't fully understand. But even more for his unwavering commitment to her and for standing by her when even she didn't believe in herself.

There were still a lot of unanswered questions. This would not be the end of their discussion on the matter. But in that moment she just wanted to feel close to him, forget about the stress, and the mess that surrounded them.

It seemed as though he felt the same, pulling her closer to him, deepening their kiss. Caught up in the moment, she reached for the buttons of his shirt. Their lips remained pressed together, as her fingers nimbly undid each button, and then slipped the shirt from off his shoulders.

She pulled away briefly for some air. "Let's go upstairs," she said, quietly.

"No," he breathed, pulling away from her, making his way to the fireplace. "The kids aren't here." He smiled at her, turning on the flames, then making his way to turn out the lights. "We don't have to be careful tonight. I want to make love to you right here."

Her eyes followed him around the room, a shy little smile across her lips. The light from the fire left an amber glow throughout the room. Her body filled with flutters, as he pushed the coffee table back a bit, and grabbed a few of the large warm blankets, and pillows off the couch, spreading them out on the floor.

He went back over to her, taking her hand, and led her to the fireplace. She smiled lovingly at him before pressing a few soft kisses to his lips. He took his time in removing her clothes. Stopping after each item fell to the floor to admire her in the glow of the firelight, their lips continuing to dance together. Moments later, with only his boxers on, he ran his hands over her bare skin that was starting to prickle with goosebumps.

He gently helped her lay on the soft bedding he'd spread out for them, covering her with a blanket. She moaned approvingly at him as he slipped his boxers off and joined her beneath the blanket. She immediately tangled her body against his, feeling his arousal near her already soaking core.

He knew exactly how to unravel her, and with so much stress and tension built up in her body from the day, she needed this release.

Almost as if he'd read her mind, just moments later he gently pressed her back against the floor, so he could catch her breasts with his lips, and with his fingers he rubbed and played with her most sensitive parts.

It didn't take long for her body to clench. She reached one arm to the leg of the coffee table, her other hand on his back to help support her climax. An uncontrolled moan escaped her lips at that very moment. A knowing smile crossed his lips as he watched her fall over the edge.

Seconds later, his lips crashed against hers again. They rolled beneath the blankets, in the dim firelight for quite some time, touching, kissing, and pleasuring one another. Finally, when he couldn't resist any longer, he sunk into her deeply, quickening their pace. Moans, and sighs, and words, they usually did their best to keep at a quiet tone when the kids were in the house, escaped freely without restriction.

Breathless, with perspiration at each of their brows, he rested against her coming down from the high. Soon he looked into her eyes, the stress and anxiety of the day, less in each of them.

"Let's do it again," she said, breathless, placing a hand at his jaw.

He couldn't resist that smile, or the seductive look in her eye. "For as long as you want," he whispered against her ear, before pressing his lips to the sensitive spot on her neck that made her moan in pleasure all over again.

Later, their bodies well spent, he lay behind her with his arm around her as they stared at the bouncing flames of the fire. They'd been lying quietly like this for quite a few minutes before she spoke up. "I wish I knew why my depression had come back during that time," she said. "Was it really your accusations that made me keep all of it from you? There had to be a reason for it, and if not, that's even scarier to me. What if it happens again, just out of the blue one day? I don't want that."

His laced his fingers with hers. "Maybe you wrote about it...in your journal," he suggested. The truth was he'd thought about reading her entries from that time more than once in the first few weeks after her accident. Maybe if she read some of it, she'd be willing to share it with him, shed some light on what she'd really been thinking and doing during that time.

"You're right." She turned her head towards him. "Maybe we could read through it together."

"Only if that's what you want,"

"It's what I want, but not tonight." She turned to lie on her back and look up at him. "Tonight I just want to stay like this. Forget that our marriage almost fell apart, and that I may be unemployed after tomorrow." She brought her hand to his cheek. "Just for tonight, pretend that all is right in our world again."

He leaned closer pressing his forehead to hers. "Okay," he said, with a smile. "I love you."

"I love you too." She gave him a quick kiss. "I'm starving. Let's get something to eat." she said, with a little chuckle. They'd skipped dinner because Owen wanted to take the kids out.

He glanced across the room at the clock on the wall. "It's just a little after nine. We could go somewhere if you want."

She chuckled again. "I'm a mess, and it's freezing outside. Let's just stay here." She sat up wrapping the blanket around her middle. "I'll make us something."

He sat up next to her. "No, you don't have to cook. We can call an order in somewhere, and I'll go pick it up."

She grasped onto his arm. "No. Please don't leave. I don't want to be alone tonight." For a few brief moments, her worry, and uncertainty about everything returned.

"Okay. Then we'll have something delivered," he smiled.

"Thank you," she said, turning to rest her back against him. She pulled his arm securely around her.

He leaned over her shoulder, noticing her dampened mood again. "Hey, no matter what happens, we're going to be okay," he said trying to reassure her.

She nodded with a nervous smile, staring at the flames from the fire.

 **A/N; Thank you all so much for reading, and for all the great reviews from the last chapter! I know many of you are curious as to what Alicia wrote in her journal during those difficult months. That will come in the next chapter. I figured you would rather have an update than wait another week before getting anything. This may have seemed like a fairly soft landing for their discussion, but there will be some added drama in regards to things that happened during those months in the chapters to come when they discuss it further.**


	36. Career Decisions

**A/N; I am so sorry for the long delay. Life has thrown a few curve balls the past few weeks. Thank you all so much for the reviews and continued input. I just wanted to mention that although I've tried, and will continue to try, to make this story as realistic as possible, the bits about the Disciplinary board hearing, and the decisions that will come out in this chapter are not very accurate to real life. Any case being brought before a board would have gone through the courts first, and would usually take months to work through. Also, the conditions I've placed on Alicia here are unlikely, but the path I'm taking here works best for my continued plot.**

 _\- It was finally official Lockhart, Gardner & Gardner was Chicago's newest law firm. The celebrating was over. The champagne had been drunk, and the large array of catered food was nearly gone. With any luck, many of the guests that had shown up for the office reception would be calling in the next few weeks to hire them as their chosen firm. As Will made his way down the hall from the conference room to find Alicia, he had to admit his two partners had chosen well on the decor. Even if the renovations had cost more than they'd originally planned. _

" _More budget issues to work out," he mumbled under his breath. But at this late hour all he really wanted to do was take his wife home, look in on Zach who had probably been asleep for hours now, and have Alicia all to himself for the rest of the night._

 _As he entered her office closing the door behind him, it wasn't just the impressive city skyline that shone through the wall of windows behind her that caught his attention and took his breath away. An intoxicating tired smile crossed her lips, her eyes closed, feet propped up on her new sofa. He inhaled moving towards her. It never ceased to amaze him how she could be doing absolutely nothing and yet manage to send a rush of excitement through him._

 _Her eyes remained closed as he leaned over her, pressing a soft, warm, kiss to her lips. "I might be too tired to go home," she joked, in a sleepy tone._

 _He chuckled lightly joining her on the sofa. "I thought things were supposed to slow down once we moved out here and started our own firm. We were going pass a lot of the grunt work off to our associates," he said. "What happened to that plan?"_

 _Her eyes opened, her long dark lashes fluttering as she looked up at him. "I think it was just a rouse on Diane's part to get us to agree to do it with her," she said, with a light laugh._

 _"She can be very persuasive," he said, with raised brow._

 _She sat up, the smile on her face growing broader. "We did it Will!" she giggled excitedly, wrapping her arms around his neck._

 _He pressed his forehead to hers. "I know! Our own firm Leesh, just nine years out of law school."_

 _"And not just any firm," she said. "A large, all services firm. Just what we always wanted."_

 _Their eyes remained locked on each other. "You know one of the things I like most about this is that I can come in here and kiss you anytime I want, and no one can get after me for doing it." She giggled some more as he pressed a few kisses to her neck. "Let's go home," he said, pulling her closer. "I think we should continue our celebrating there."_

 _She shifted, lifting her skirt a bit so she could straddle her legs over his lap. "You don't want to consummate the new office space?" she breathed, her lips pressed against his neck as her hands made their way to the buttons on his shirt._

 _He laughed lightly against her shoulder, reaching for her hands. "No. Not tonight. I'm ready to look at something besides the inside of this building for the next two days, even if it's our tiny apartment. Zach's probably forgotten what his father even looks like."_

 _She smiled lovingly as she stood reaching out her hand for him to take. "He's probably forgotten what both of us look like. But he's only nine-months old. Hopefully we can repair any damage that's been done in the past three months."_

 _He took her hand and they made their way towards the elevator. He was looking forward to their first free weekend since the move._

 _She was merciless on their drive home. She'd seductively removed her nylons before they'd even reached the first traffic light. Every time he'd glance at her she'd give him, "that look". And she'd purposefully moved her hand over his thigh over and over again to make him ache for her even more. In those long few minutes from the office to their temporary apartment, he was glad they hadn't moved into the new house yet. It would have taken twice as long to get home._

 _Once behind the closed door to their bedroom, he decided to take control of things. After her little shenanigans in the car, he had a few things of his own up his sleeve that he knew would drive her absolutely crazy._

 _Some time later, well spent, they lay tangled together beneath the soft sheets. "We're going to be the best lawyers this city has ever seen," he said._

 _"Mmhm," she mumbled sleepily. "And the best part is that we get to do it together." -  
_

Will's eyes fluttered open, reaching across the bed for her. After making love to her by the fire the previous evening, and the dream he'd just had, he wanted to feel her close to him. But the space was empty. The sheets were cold. She obviously hadn't been there for awhile. He sighed. The dream, or rather memory, he'd just had, seemed like it had happened just yesterday, not years ago.

He looked around the room, and glanced at the clock on the bedside table. It was still early, a good half hour before the alarm would go off. He shifted, placing his feet on the floor, now noticing the faint smell of coffee coming from downstairs. He got out of bed and went to find her.

She'd been awake for awhile, thumbing through some of the photo albums. She'd do this sometimes, sit and look at each picture trying to will any sort of memory from her mind.

The conversation she and Will had just hours earlier, was still fresh on her mind. Thumbing through the album only troubled her more. Looking at the photos it was obvious they'd been happy. She couldn't understand why her depression returning the previous year would have prevented her from confiding in Will. More troubling still was the idea that things had turned so ugly she'd thought they'd needed to separate.

She heard his quiet footsteps enter the room. He settled next to her on the couch, wrapping his arm around her. "You're up early," he said, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek, and then glanced down at the book she held in her hands.

"I woke up awhile ago, but couldn't get back to sleep." It had been an unsettling dream that had woken her, but something she didn't want to discuss with him. After the conversation they'd had, she wasn't certain if the dream had been a memory, or something she'd made up in her head.

"Nervous about today?" he questioned. In a few short hours they'd know the future of her career.

"A little," she sighed, relaxing into his embrace a bit more. "I don't like not knowing what the next few days, or weeks will look like if I'm not working. I don't even know where to start, or what I want to do."

He didn't have a good answer for her feeling as uncertain about things as she did. "We'll figure it out, okay?" He smiled at her in an attempt to make her feel better.

She nodded, turning her attention back to album in her lap. "I still can't imagine Diane camping," she said.

He chuckled. "Well, it was very comfortable as far as camping goes. Kurt rented an RV with plenty of room, thinking the kids would be the only ones that would really want to sleep in a tent. And he knew there was no way that you would let them sleep in one all by themselves."

"So we all slept in the RV?"

"No. One night Kurt slept in the tent with the kids. One night you and I slept with them. And the third night we all slept in the RV."

"It looks like fun," she said, quietly thumbing to the next pages which held pictures of the kids playing baseball, and swimming a few summers back.

The next page held a few images of her and Will. "This was our anniversary last year, right?" she asked, pointing to one of the photos.

"Yeah," he said, his arm tightening around her. "You surprised me. You told me you wanted to plan our anniversary. I'd been talking about wanting to go kayaking for a few years. But we'd never seemed to have enough time to try it out. So you planned a four day weekend for us in Michigan on Lake Superior We stayed at this great place right on the lake. We went kayaking, did a little leisurely hiking, shared some quiet romantic dinners. Our room had a great view of the lake. It was a lot of fun."

"It sounds like it," she said, softly. Both of them were thinking the same thing in that moment. How and why on earth had things changed so dramatically in the following months?

A few moments later she closed the album, a nervous energy running through her. She needed to get up and move around. Get ready for the day, and focus on something besides the past, and her uncertain future.

Will planted a few soft kisses on her neck. She shifted off the couch almost as if she could read his mind. "There's fresh coffee in kitchen. Or…you can join me in the shower. It's up to you." She raised a brow to him trailing her fingers across his shoulders as she walked past him heading for the stairs.

He shook his head, and stood to follow after her. She briefly glanced back at him giggling a bit, and then hurried up the stairs leaving a trail of clothes behind for him to gather on his way up.

/

Diane looked up from her desk just as Will and Alicia approached the reception area in front of their offices. She'd been anxiously awaiting the news of the disciplinary board's decision all morning.

She couldn't tell from the expressions on their faces if the news was good or bad.

Will closed the door behind him, before sitting next to Alicia across from Diane's desk.

"Well?" Diane said, looking anxiously at her partners.

"They placed me on disability inactive status." Alicia said.

"Better than a suspension or disbarment," Diane replied.

"Yes, but it's almost as if they've disbarred her with the restrictions they've put in place," Will said, with a hint of anger. He was not happy with decision at all.

"They're just being cautious," Alicia said, glancing at him.

"Too cautious in my opinion. They want us to treat this like you're a summer associate. They practically want you to start over."

"Will, I am practically starting over. And it could be worse. They could have said I wasn't allowed to work at the firm at all, which is the restriction that would normally be put on people placed under the same status."

"What are the conditions?" Diane cut in.

"I can continue to work, but until I pass the Illinois bar exam, any work I do should be treated as if I weren't a licensed attorney."

"Exactly, a summer associate," Will said. "Her name can't be on anything submitted to the courts. Any billable hours she puts in have to be submitted along with a licensed attorney's name. You get the idea." He sighed loudly, sitting back in his chair.

"They want you to retake the bar exam?" Diane asked, with raised brow.

"Yes. They didn't suspend or disbar me because I haven't done anything legally wrong, and because under disability status they have the ability to allow me to still work, which is something they deem important under the circumstances. But they are worried about the amnesia, and my lack of legal knowledge. They feel that the only way for them to measure my knowledge and ability as a practicing attorney is if I can pass the exam again. They feel like the process of studying for it would give me a base to start from, and that if I can pass it, I'd have enough working knowledge to practice without putting clients into compromising situations."

"That makes sense I suppose. Will and I can help, but we'll need to get up to speed on the Illinois specific parts of the exam. We all took the New York State exam, there will be some differences. When will you try to take it, in February or July?" The bar exam was given twice a year to accommodate winter and spring graduates.

"I haven't decided yet. I'd like to take it in February. But that seems like an awful lot of information to try and cram into three months."

Will chuckled. "It's like cramming three years of law school into three months."

"Partially, but you know as well as I do, that half the exam covers material you only brushed upon in law school." Diane said.

"Yeah, we should get you signed up for a prep course, and you should take a practice exam so we can see where you're at right now," Will said, looking back at Alicia.

She nodded taking his hand. "What do you two think we should do about it within the firm?"

"I don't think we need to make a lot of changes," Diane said. "Most of the work you've been doing these past few months falls under the guidelines, and most of your clients have been understanding. We just can't have you submitting briefs, and pleas to the courts. Will's right, about the billable hours. We'll have to submit them as associate instead of partner hours."

"Maybe I should step down as name partner for awhile."

Will jerked his head around looking her in the eye. "Absolutely not!"

Alicia held his gaze. "Will, I know you don't like this. I know that you feel like the people who reported this shouldn't win. But I think this is the best thing for the firm – our firm. You're worried about me, and my career, and I appreciate that. I love how fiercely you've stood by me, defended me. But you have an obligation to our employees as well."

"But your reputation Alicia," he cut in.

"Exactly! How's it going to look if I'm held on a pedestal, while we force our employees to follow all the rules? If I were any other partner, you'd ask them to do exactly what I'm suggesting because it's smart. It's the right thing to do. And in the long run, I think employees and our clients will respect that more. My memory loss is what it is at this point. We can't keep trying to bring back the past. It's time to start over. And honestly, I'll feel more like I've accomplished something if I can earn it back, instead of everything being handed to me on a silver platter."

Diane continued to watch the exchange. She knew Alicia was right. Employees and clients would respect her more if this was the path they took. She also knew how difficult this was for Will. She knew full well he'd give up his own law license for the rest of his life if it meant Alicia could keep hers, and continue running the firm the three of them had built together. He'd always gotten more pride and satisfaction out of her accomplishments than his own. From the moment Alicia had agreed to start the firm with them, it had been all about what the two women had wanted. Diane chuckled to herself - really about what Alicia had wanted, which office she wanted when they'd finally decided on office space, which clients she wanted for her own. Alicia had never taken advantage of his big heart. There had been more than one instance where she'd refused to do something because she'd seen right through Will's best intentions. They'd tried hard to keep everything in their marriage equal, but even Diane knew it was bit lop sided.

Watching them now, it was easy for her to see that Alicia telling him it was best to give up her partnership, even for a few months, was crushing him. Even if he knew it was the right thing to do.

Because of that there wasn't much arguing from him. "You're sure that's what you want?" he asked, rubbing his thumb over her fingers.

"Yes. It's the best thing for all of us." She could sense the hesitancy and sadness in his features. She reached her hand to his cheek. "It's only temporary. Once I'm back in good standing with the board, I expect you to give me my position back Mr. Gardner." She smiled lovingly at him.

"Gladly," he said, a defeated smile across his lips.

"Okay. I'm going to go to my office now, and get some work done." She looked back at Diane. "We should hold a meeting later this afternoon, or first thing in the morning to let everyone know about the changes."

"I'll get it set up for this afternoon," Diane said.

Alicia stood, giving Will's hand one last squeeze before she exited Diane's office.

"Is she really okay with all of this?" Diane asked, looking more seriously at Will.

He sighed. "I don't really know. She didn't say much on our way back from the hearing. I don't know if she's doing this because she thinks it's what's best or what we want. Or if it really is what she wants. They're sending someone tomorrow to start going over her cases from last winter." He looked down at his hands.

"They won't find anything Will," she said, as he stood to go to his office.

He looked back at her. "I hope you're right."

/

The house was silent again as they lay in bed, his arm wrapped tightly around her middle. They'd been lying there like that both staring out into the dark for awhile, neither one able to find sleep.

The firm meeting had gone as expected, for the most part anyway. Inwardly, Will was still reeling over the boards decision. But there was nothing more to be done about it now except to push through the next few months, and hope Alicia could pass the bar exam again.

He still wondered how she was really feeling about everything. She'd been awfully quiet since they'd left the office. Of course so had he. Movement from her body beneath his grasp brought him out of his thoughts.

"Are you really okay with everything that happened today?" He finally asked, as she turned into him to look into his eyes.

"What was it like to start our own firm?" she countered, lacing her arm under his.

He smiled at the complete avoidance of his question, and the thoughts of their early days running the firm. "Amazing!" he said. "It was something we'd always wanted to do, but we thought it would take a lot longer than it did to pull it off." He turned onto his back, and she rested her head on his chest.

"It was also terrifying," he admitted, running his fingers through her hair. "We both quit very good jobs to start the firm. Zach was a baby. And it nearly depleted all of our savings to cover moving, and start-up costs."

"We bought the firm from someone Diane knew?" she asked.

"We did, but things weren't as good as Diane had been led to believe. When the partners of the other firm found out their boss had sold the firm to someone who wasn't even in Chicago, a lot of them left and started up their own firm. And once we were here we decided the office space the old firm had occupied was too outdated. We knew if we wanted to gain a good reputation in the city we had to upgrade, and find something in the loop. And as you know, real estate isn't cheap in that part of the city."

He smiled, running his hand over her arm. "It was thrilling and exhausting all at once. Much harder than I think either of us expected it would be. It took three months to really get up and running. We barely had any income coming in. We were keeping crazy hours because we'd spend half our days trying to recruit new clients, hire employees, and take care of office renovations. The other half of the day was spent doing enough work to keep us afloat. The move threw Zach completely off his schedule. He started waking up in the middle of the night again, which meant even less sleep for a few weeks."

They talked awhile longer. He gave her more details of some of the things that happened during that time. And told her about the dream he'd had the night before.

Not long after, they lay in comfortable silence again. "You never answered my question," he said. He felt her body stiffen a bit under his touch.

There was a long pause before she spoke again. "I don't know if I can do it," she admitted quietly.

He stared up at the ceiling for a few moments before shifting so he could look at her. "I don't think that's the first thing you should be asking yourself. You have to decide first if this is what you want to do. I know you feel like you'd be letting me down if you didn't pass, or if you didn't want to retake the exam. But that's not true. I only want what will make you happy."

He took her hand into his lacing his fingers with hers. "Alicia, I've tried very hard to never stand in the way of what you want to do with your life, and I'm not about to start now. If this isn't what you want I don't think you should do it. But if it is what you want, then you should know that I have no doubt you can pass that exam. You're smart, and determined. I've watched you over the past eight months defy all the odds put against you. And I think you'll continue to do that. But this decision has to be yours. It has to be what you want." He ran his fingers through her hair. "I'll support you no matter what you decide."

She reached her soft hand to his cheek. "This is what I want. I like being a lawyer. It's just a little overwhelming right now. There's so much information to learn."

"I don't want you to worry about it. If you don't feel like you're ready to take the exam in February, then we'll wait until July. This isn't a race. You'll know everything you need to the day you step into that exam room." The edges of his lips curved upwards. "And you have an advantage over the other people taking the exam. You have Diane and I to help you prep. Two of the greatest legal minds in the city!" he chuckled.

This caused her to laugh a bit. "And one of the most humble!" she teased.

He pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. "I know it's stressful. But I'm here for you. I'll make sure you're ready."

She moved closer to him wrapping her arms around his neck. "Thank you. I love you."

"I love you too."


	37. Dreams

The whole situation had become ridiculous, at least in her mind. With every passing day the guilt seemed to build and build. It wasn't that she'd even done anything wrong - at least she hoped desperately that she hadn't. She just couldn't rid herself of the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach every time she thought about it.

On this cold November morning she could barely sit in Diane's office across him - Brian that was - their overly eager senior associate. Whenever he entered the room these days she felt as though the air was being sucked right out of it. This had to end. She kept losing her focus because of the stream of thoughts that continued to assault her mind.

She told herself over and over as the meeting continued that she was being paranoid, thinking she'd get caught by Will for something that only seemed to exist in her mind. But that made it all the more troubling. Will had become her rock, her solid foundation, and yet the thoughts that crossed her mind meant she'd betrayed him, and it made her absolutely ill.

She hoped desperately that it was only the stress that had piled on in recent weeks since the hearing decision that had caused her mind to go seemingly crazy. Over the past few days she'd found herself scrutinizing every single little thing that happened at work. She didn't want to screw up. She didn't want for there to be any reason for her colleagues to doubt her abilities. But it wasn't really worrying about all of her colleagues' doubts that bothered her.

She hadn't paid much attention to Brian's behavior in the previous months. There had been the few days while Will was out sick where Brian had seemed overly eager to help her out, but she'd simply chopped that up to his desire to look good so they would consider his partnership the following year.

However, ever since the dreams had started a few weeks back, she'd begun to notice more and more his behavior around her, very friendly, eager to offer up his support of her studying for the bar exam. Stopping by her office first thing in the morning, and just before he left at night, to see if she needed him to do any more work on the case he was working on with she and Diane. Whenever they were in the same room together sometimes she felt like he had no boundaries for personal space, Maybe he was just a very friendly guy, maybe it was exactly what Will had said, that he was trying to make a good impression.

The other possibility haunted her, and had prevented her from reading any of her journal entries from the previous year. She hadn't told Will about the dreams, or flashes of memories. She didn't know if they were real or not. She hadn't kept everything from Will. She'd had a few memories of he and the kids come to mind in recent weeks, and he'd confirmed that those events had indeed happened. This should have been good news, lifted her spirits, but it only unsettled her more. That meant there was a good chance the thoughts she hadn't shared with him were also real.

When her meeting with Brian and Diane ended, she remained in her seat to jot down a few notes.

"Alicia, can we go over the deposition recordings this afternoon? Maybe around two?" Brian asked.

She glanced up at him. "Yes. But you and Kim should start without me. I have a few things I need to get done first."

"Okay, yeah, sure," he hesitated, glancing at Diane who was finishing up her own notes, and not paying much attention. "Also, I found some information I thought might be helpful for your studying. I could bring it by your office later if you want?"

"Okay, thank you." She looked back down at her legal pad, but she could sense his eyes on her. "Was there something else?" she said, gathering up her things.

"No, nothing else." He turned and exited Diane's office.

Her eyes remained fixed on him until he rounded the corner at the end of the hall.

"Alicia," Diane said, for the third time.

"Yes, sorry, what?"

Diane repeated her question.

"Yes, I can get to that this afternoon," Alicia replied. She turned her attention to Diane. "What do you think of him?"

"Who Brian?" Diane said.

"Yes"

The older woman sat back in her chair, pen in hand. "He's a good lawyer. He knows his stuff. He's been a real asset to the firm since we brought him on."

"How long has he worked here?"

Diane had to think for a moment. "Three or four years now, I think. Why?"

"Just curious." The appearance of Will walking down the hall towards them now caught Alicia's attention. "If you're not busy later, I wouldn't mind some company while the men are out tonight," she said, her eyes fixed on Will. "I can't promise anything too exciting, but I'd be happy to pull out a good bottle of wine once the kids are in bed."

Diane laughed under her breath. "That sounds like enough excitement for me. I'll come over around eight."

Alicia glanced back at Diane. "Okay, good." She stood to go meet Will just outside his office. She needed a break, and was hopeful he'd have time to get some lunch with her, even if she wasn't all that hungry.

/

Once the kids had gone to bed, Alicia and Diane sat in the quiet family room talking. "Alicia, has something been bothering you today?" Diane asked. She'd noticed more than once during the day that Alicia had seemed preoccupied with something.

Alicia took a long sip of her drink, before meeting Diane's gaze. "How much do you know about what was going on between Will and I before my accident?" she asked.

The question caught Diane somewhat off guard. "Has Will talked to you about it?"

"Yes, some, a few weeks ago."

Diane relaxed a bit at hearing this. "I don't think I know anything other than what Will would have told you. I didn't know anything was going on between you two until after the accident."

Alicia sighed, placing her drink on the coffee table. "So you don't know if I cheated on him or not?" She looked across the room at the wedding photo of she and Will on the fireplace mantle.

Diane leaned forward placing her own glass on the coffee table. "I thought Will had figured out that you hadn't. He confronted Peter about it, and Peter denied it." Alicia even bringing this up was beginning to concern her.

Alicia looked down at her hands, biting her lower lip.

"What's going on Alicia?"

Alicia wiped at the few tears that had fled her eyes suddenly, and inhaled. "It's probably nothing. Just stress." Her eyes met Diane's again. "I keep having these...dreams, or memories. It's always the same. Will and I are arguing at work. That's the thing that seems to always change, what we're arguing about. But you know how dreams can be. The conversations don't always make a whole lot of sense. But then the dream changes and it seems like a whole new day. I'm standing by the bookcase in my office looking for something." She pauses, her gaze moving back to the photo of her and Will. If she didn't trust Diane so much she never would have brought this up. But she needs some advice. She doesn't know what to do, and the last thing she wants is to hurt Will unnecessarily if she's made all of it up in her head.

She continues. "While I'm standing there someone comes up behind me, wraps their arms around my waist. I think it's Will, so I turn to face him and..." She inhales in an attempt to keep her emotions under control. But it's impossible. A few more tears fall from her eyes. "It's not Will and...he kisses me. For a few moments I feel like there's nothing else in the whole world I want. I let the kiss linger."

She looks back at Diane, agony completely filling her eyes. "But then his hands move to my jacket, and he tries to slip it off my shoulders, and I pull away from him. I tell him we shouldn't be doing this, that it's not right. That it was just a moment of weakness. He looks surprised, but turns and leaves my office." She wraps her arms tightly over her chest as if that will make her feel more secure, but it doesn't.

"Do you know who this other man is?"

She nods. "Brian"

Diane looks away for a moment. "Alicia, it's probably just your mind playing tricks on you. You've spent a lot of time with Brian in the past few weeks. I don't think it means anything. Everyone has dreams like these sometimes. It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, or that you love Will any less."

"But what if it's not just a dream?" she said, desperately. "What if it's a memory and it really happened? What if I did have an affair? What if Will's accusations were all right and it wasn't Peter, but Brian I slept with? What will happen if we find out it is true after everything we've been through in the past months? How will we ever move past that?"

She shook her head. "I'm sorry for bringing you into this, but I don't know what to do. I can't just walk into Brian's office and ask if we had an affair. And I can't just admit to Will that I've been dreaming about other men kissing me. Even the thought makes me nauseous. I don't want to hurt him like that!"

"I don't think you're giving him enough credit Alicia. And nothing you've just said means you had an affair. It was a kiss, and you ended it, right?"

"Yes,"

"I don't think you need to tell Will. It sounds like a dream to me. And if for some reason you find out it was true, that he kissed you, or you kissed him, just tell Will. He knows you were struggling mentally during that time, and it was one kiss. It might make him uncomfortable, it might bother him for a few days, but it's forgivable."

"Is it?" she shot back. "How would you feel if Kurt came home one night and told you that one of his co-workers had kissed him?"

"I'm not saying I wouldn't question it. I would. I would wonder what he'd been doing that would make his co-worker think she could kiss him. I'd be hurt. But it would be far better than the alternative, and I'd be glad he was honest with me, instead of trying to keep it a secret." She reached her hand out placing it on Alicia's wrist. "But until you have something solid to back up this dream of yours, I don't think there's any point in telling Will."

Alicia let out a tiny sigh of relief. "You're probably right. I just can't get those images out of my mind, and the feeling of guilt that comes with them."

"It's probably just stress. It will be good for all of you to get away next week. I bet after a few days with Will's sisters, Brian will be the last thing on your mind," she chuckled.

Alicia laughed lightly picking her wine glass back up. "If they get to be too much, I can probably fake a headache and disappear into a bedroom for awhile."

The two women chatted for some time before Diane got a message from Kurt saying he was on his way home. After she left Alicia sat on the couch mindlessly flipping through television channels in an attempt to keep her mind occupied until Will got home. She looked at her watch for the millionth time sighing and decided to go to bed. As she turned out the light in the kitchen the sound of the garage door going up filtered into the house.

She was glad he was home. She didn't even let him remove his coat before she captured him, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck when he walked into the house. Inhaling the faint scent of his cologne, she buried her head against his shoulder.

His arms wrapped firmly around her. "Everything okay?" He didn't mind the affection, but the way she seemed to be allowing her full weight fall against him, made him wonder if something was wrong.

She held him there, not meeting his gaze. "Yes. I just missed you. I'm glad you're home."

He wasn't completely convinced of her words as they stood there quietly in each others arms for a few moments before she finally pulled away and they headed for bed.

Hours later Will woke up and watched her for a few minutes. He wondered what it was she was dreaming about that was causing such a fitful sleep. This hadn't been the first time in recent weeks where he'd woken from the restless movement next to him. He wondered if the outcome from her disciplinary hearing was bothering her more than she was letting on. He was tempted to wake her, but decided against it, turning the other way in an attempt to fall back asleep.

Alicia's dream continued.

 _\- It was late, and cold outside. Early January, the dead of winter, a miserable time of year, she thought to herself as she stepped out of her office. She briefly glanced around to see if anyone was still working at this late hour before she stormed into Will's office. Startled he looked up from his desk as the door closed loudly behind her._

" _So this is what things have come to, you flirting with young associates! Did you really think I wouldn't notice?" she said angrily, hands on her hips, glaring at him._

 _He held her gaze with a look as though he was at a loss for words. "I have no idea what you're talking about."_

 _"Andrea, tonight in the conference room. It was as plain as day the flirting that was going on between you two."_

 _He sighed heavily. "I don't know what you think you saw, or heard, but it wasn't flirting. We have a good strategy for court tomorrow. We were discussing it, that's all."_

 _She rolled her eyes which he didn't appreciate, so he got up from his desk to stand in front of her._

" _You really expect me to believe that?" she said._

" _Yes! You of all people you should know what flirting looks like. You're the one who cheated, not me!" he shot back._

 _"Are you really going to bring that up again after two months? How many times do I have to tell you I didn't cheat? Do you really hold so little trust in me that you think I'd sleep with another man?" The idea stung right through her, just like it had when he'd accused her of an affair the first time. Her eyes filled with hurt, but he didn't seem to care._

 _"Is it still going on?" he accused._

 _The accusation made her furious. "No! There never WAS anything going on!"_

" _Really? Because you never want to talk to me anymore! You barely let me touch you! Alicia, we haven't slept together in nearly three months. What else am I supposed to think?"_

 _Her features turned cold. "Is that what this is about? Sex?" She rolled her eyes, laughing spitefully under her breath. "Is that what you want? Is that what it will take to prove to you that I'm not, and never have cheated? Because if that's it, then let's just do it right now!"_

 _Her hands moved to undo the buttons of her blazer, as she stepped closer to him. "It won't mean anything right? It's just sex? And if that will take your male ego down fifteen notches, then we should do it!" Buttons all undone, she went to slip the blazer off her shoulders. But he grabbed her arms pulling her close to him._

 _"Stop it," he said, a little more calmly._

 _She pulled away from his grasp. "Why? I'm not good enough for you anymore? I can't turn you on the way that tall blonde can?"_

 _His hands moved over his face in frustration. "Alicia, this is crazy talk! Will you listen to yourself?"_

" _This isn't my fault Will! This, this, thing we're in. You're the one accusing me of cheating. You're the one who doesn't trust me anymore. You know what I think? I think you're tired of me. You don't want me anymore, and it's easier to throw away our marriage if you believe I've had an affair."_

 _"That isn't true! I'm not the one throwing our marriage away. You haven't shown me one shred of evidence to prove you haven't cheated."_

 _She shook her head. A thin line crossed her lips. "Why is giving you my word, not evidence enough? And when did our marriage become one of your cases? You want evidence? Do you want a print out of my schedule, and all of the work I've done in the past three months? When would I have had time for an affair? Between managing OUR children, and working here alongside you and Diane eighty hours a week, I barely had time to sleep. Let alone sneak away for one hour rendezvous' with some made up lover!"_

" _Our marriage is not one of my cases! And I can think of plenty of times in the past few months where you chose to stay here instead of going home when I did. All the late nights, it isn't fair to Grace and Zach."_

" _Don't you dare bring them into this! I'm not the only one working late nights."_

 _She bit her lip turning away from him. She was so hurt, so lonely, and yet so angry. But she wasn't about to let him see she was near tears. She thought after so many weeks of distance between them, that it would change, and that they'd find some way to reconcile things. But here he was accusing her of an affair all over again. She'd watched him closely the past few days. The smile, the flirty little laugh, and the look in his eye she could recognize a mile away when the tall, thin, blonde associate was in his presence. She felt hopeless, absolutely hopeless._

 _She sensed him stepping closer. In a matter of seconds she knew he'd reach out his hand and try to touch her._

 _"Alicia," he said, calmly. She stepped away, and didn't look back. "We need to,"_

 _She cut him off. "No, don't say anything. I hear you loud and clear. You don't believe me. If your behavior around Andrea the past week was meant to get back at me, or hurt me because you think I deserve it, then you should know it worked."_

 _She couldn't hold back the defeated tone in her voice as she stepped towards the door. "I'm going home now. Don't forget that we're meeting with Grace's teacher after school tomorrow."_

 _She refused to glance back at him, she couldn't bare it. She didn't want to see one more time the look of disappointment, mistrust, and anger that had been burned into her mind over the past weeks. She'd tried to deny it for weeks now, but somehow she felt in that moment that he didn't love her anymore. Everything they'd had was lost, and it shattered her into a million pieces. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she stepped back into her own office.-_

Hearing her soft whimpers caused Will to roll back over in bed. "Alicia, wake up." He shook her gently to rouse her from sleep.

Her wet eyes opened darting around the room until finally resting on Will.

"You were crying. What's wrong?" he said, running his hand soothingly over her arm.

She sat up trying to wake her body some more. Reaching he hand to her face she felt the tears. He sat up next to her wrapping his arm across her back.

After taking a few deep breaths, she looked into his concerned eyes. "Had you given up on us? Last year I mean, when things were bad between us. Did you stop loving me? Did you want out of the marriage?"

"What?" he was thoroughly confused.

"Had you fallen out of love with me?"

His eyes narrowed, taking her hand into his. "What were you dreaming about?"

"We were having an argument, and when it was over I felt like you didn't love me anymore."

He looked down at their hands running his thumb over hers. "Things were bad between us during that time." His gaze met hers again. "But I never stopped loving you. I never wanted for our marriage to end."

Tears spilled from her eyes. He reached his hand to her face to brush them away. "Leesh, it was a bad dream."

"I don't think it was just a dream Will. I believe what you just said. But the argument was awful. I've been having dreams like this for a few weeks now, but none as bad as this. I need to know exactly what happened during that time so I can figure out what is real and what isn't in this mess spinning around in my head. I've been avoiding having us read through my journal together because I've been afraid of what might be in there. But I need to know the truth." She took in a few deep breaths to help calm herself again.

"Okay. Let's start going through it tomorrow night."

She nodded. "Okay"

"Do you need anything? Some water?" he asked.

"No. Will you just hold me? It'll help me feel more secure."

A loving smile crossed his lips. "I can definitely do that," he said, wrapping his arm tightly around her, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek. They settled under the soft bed covering together once again. He held her close long after she'd fallen back asleep.

 **A/N; Thank you all for reading! In case any of you are wondering, the fight Alicia dreamt about was a memory, and did really happen. I know it's mean, but I'm going to keep you all guessing on the affair. Many of you have asked when Alicia and Will are going to read through her journal entries from that difficult time. It's coming up next chapter.**


	38. Falling Apart

With Will at her side, sitting comfortably next to each other, Alicia began reading from her journal. They were both a bit nervous about what might be revealed within the pages, but it was time to know the truth.

They decided to begin reading from the entries that she'd written the few weeks before Will felt like things had begun to unravel. So they started with her entry from their anniversary the previous year.

Reading through the entry made the anniversary trip sound like it had been everything Will had previously described to her. Relaxing, fun, four days focused on nothing but them.

In the entry she'd mentioned her slight anxiety over going kayaking, and how in the end she'd really enjoyed it.

 _\- I'll always be grateful for Will's gentle nudging and encouraging that always pushes me past my comfort level. -_

She'd talked about the long walks they'd taken along the shore of Lake Superior at dusk.

 _\- The views were breathtaking. I couldn't imagine wanting to be anywhere else in those moments, but right where I was, walking along the quiet picturesque path near the lake holding Will's hand, talking laughing, and enjoying each other. -_

She'd mentioned stolen kisses they'd shared while hiking, at restaurants, and in some of the quaint antique shops she'd dragged him to, because they could get away with it _._ And,

\- _There were a fair number of couples we encountered on our trip. Many who were years younger and probably up for more adventure than we were. There's something to be said for couples who have been together as long as Will and I, who still openly show affection for one another. After so many years of being together, it means more. It's not just a youthful lust for intimacy anymore. We hold hands, embrace each other, and kiss one another because it means something. Hopefully someday those young couples will come appreciate the meaning behind these simple gestures. -_

She stopped reading long enough to look at Will, casting a love-filled smile in his direction, which he returned in kind.

As she continued reading she'd talked about how Will had later surprised her with a scarf she'd admired in one of many shops they'd passed through.

 _\- He's always doing things like this, surprising me unexpectedly with material, and immaterial tokens of affection. I've written this a thousand times over the years, but the truth in it still remains. If one day Grace or Zach happens to be reading through the pages of the journals I've written, I'd want them to know that I feel like the luckiest woman on earth because I have Will. If I were to ever lose his love, or his trust, I don't know that I'd survive. Not because I think my identity only exists if there's a man at my side, but because at this point in my life, after so many years, losing him would be like losing a part of myself. -_

She looked at him again, her long lashes fluttering right before his eyes. "It seems like the perfect weekend," she said quietly, squeezing his hand, relaxing a little more comfortably against him.

The corners of his moth curved upwards. "I'm glad to know that weekend was as good for you as it was for me," he said, wrapping his arm more tightly around her.

She turned the page and began reading the next entry, but he was still caught up on the last few sentences she'd just read. - _If I were to ever lose his love, or his trust, I don't know that I'd survive.-_ The guilt he'd tried to rid himself of for so long was beginning to creep back in. Was the answer to all of their problems really that simple? Had it all been his fault? He'd accused her of the affair, hadn't believed her, which in turn must have made her feel like he didn't love or trust her anymore. He knew there was more to it, but telling himself that, didn't get rid of the knot that had formed in his stomach.

Just a few entries later, the lighthearted, happy tone she'd conveyed on previous pages began to change.

 _\- "There's so much going on, I feel like things are spinning out of my control, and I don't see it slowing down any time soon. We spent Will's entire birthday yesterday at work. I know he doesn't mind, but I'm worried his plan to celebrate on the weekend may not pan out, if the past few days are any indication." -_

"Did we celebrate last year?" Alicia asked, looking back at Will.

"Yes, on the weekend. We managed to carve out a few hours on a Sunday evening. But I seem to remember Grace not being too happy that we'd picked up a cake from the bakery on our way home from work that day."

Alicia chuckled. "I bet she wasn't," she said, turning her attention back to reading.

 _\- "We picked up a new client at the beginning of the month. Negotiations with opposing council have been rough. And we're having a difficult time getting all of the files we need from the client's old firm. This is one of those cases that if won, could gain our firm national recognition. However, we're coming into it late in the game. Our new clients fired their other firm. We have to do four to six months work in only six weeks before this goes to trial. This case has already made for some long work days. Aside from this case I've been buried up to my neck in a few others. It makes me tired to even think about it. With any luck this will all be over by the time the holidays come around." -_

The next entry was written a week later.

 _\- "It's late. Will and the kids are in bed. I should be there too, but I've had trouble sleeping the past few nights, probably due to my guilty conscience. I'm hoping that writing will help me work some of this out._

 _I've been keeping something from Will. Maybe that's not the best way to start out, but it's the thing that's bothering me the most right now." -_

She stopped reading. She was worried about what might come next. "I don't know if I can do this," she said, nervously, looking at him. After the dreams she'd been having she didn't see how anything she'd been keeping from him could be a good thing.

He returned her gaze, his dark warm eyes looking right into hers. "Whatever is written on these pages isn't going to change the way I feel about you now." His free hand rested gently on her arm. "We're not doing this to place blame, Alicia. We're doing this so that we'll both have answers, and can finally put that phase of our lives behind us."

The corners of her lips curved upwards. She leaned closer pressing a quick kiss to his lips. One thing was certain. He always made her feel more at ease.

"Okay," she said, letting out a deep breath of air before continuing.

 _\- "I never keep things from him. Little things sure, like birthday gifts. But never anything like this. At the end of September we took on a medical malpractice case dealing with newborn deaths. Diane was going to oversee it, but shortly after, we landed the large client I mentioned in my last entry, and she passed it on to another senior partner. The three of us had seen some of the evidence when we were deciding whether or not to take the malpractice case. The whole thing made me angry. I wanted to be on it. I wanted to put the doctor who had done this behind bars, and maybe that's why I haven't told Will I've been working on it. He insisted we stay away from it. I was already working on an abortion case gone wrong, and he was worried that one of us trying to defend this malpractice suit, without bias, would be difficult because of our own experience with Kate. He was probably right because it's consumed my mind the past few weeks._

 _At the time, I agreed with him, and did stay away from it – for a week. I had to talk to one of attorneys working on it about a different case. He had a few of the evidence photos spread out on his desk, and I couldn't help but ask how the case was going. He gave me a summary, which only made me more curious. So I read through the case files late one night, and knew I had to do something. So I've been working on it off the books. I've been helping that same associate for the past few weeks. I told him to keep my involvement quiet, chopping it up to stepping on toes, and office politics._

 _I know it's wrong to keep it from Will, but I know him. He'll see right through my reasoning, and know I'm consumed with it. He'll insist I drop it – I probably should – I'm emotionally involved now, something you learn early on you can't do as a lawyer. But I can't let it go. These poor parents, who've lost their children so tragically, deserve justice._

 _The more I think about it, the more I think about Kate. She'd be five years old now. She would have started Kindergarten a few months ago._

 _Sometimes I wonder if the soft dark hair she had would still be so dark. Would it hold a loose curl like Grace's, or be thick and straight like Zach's. Would her eyes be like mine or Will's? Would she have a short temper like her father does sometimes, or hold everything in until she feels like bursting, just as I tend to do? One of the things that hurts the most, is knowing everything we never got to experience, her first smile, her first steps. The sloppy two year old kisses and feeling her tiny arms wrapped around my neck for a hug. Watching her explore and be curious about things she's never seen before. And of course that age where she would have asked a stream of never ending questions about anything and everything. She probably would have tried more than once to be big like her brother and sister. She would have put on her backpack and tried to go to school with Grace and Zach more than once, and then cried when the carpool left without her." -_

As Alicia continued to read, Will listened with a full heart. He'd had some of these same thoughts over the years, and it saddened him terribly.

 _\- "In moments like these, when I think about all of it, I can barely breathe. I get sad and a little angry, angry at myself. I know everyone says it wasn't my fault she died. Deep down I probably believe that. I have to, but maybe if I'd cut back on work sooner she'd would have lived._

 _No, I can't tell Will. I know he'd be supportive, and help pull me out of this emotional slump. But he'd insist I leave the case alone, and I can't do that. Aside from that, bringing up the hurt and pain we experienced with Kate again is the last thing he needs to be thinking about right now. I need to pull myself away from this on my own, put it behind me, and pull myself back out of the water. It's a good thing this goes to trial next week, because I feel like I'm drowning right now."_

When she finished reading she held her gaze on the book. "Who was the associate on the case covering for me?" she asked.

"I don't know," he replied quietly. "I stayed away from it completely. We could look and see who submitted hours on it, but that would be at least ten people, and it would be hard to know which one you were working with. It's not relevant anyway," he said, running his hand soothingly over her back.

 _Not relevant?_ she thought. _What if it had been Brian? What if that's when their relationship had started – if there had been a relationship,_ she tried to remind herself.

He sighed. "What is relevant is the depressed mood you seemed to already be in by then." He shook his head. "I don't know why I didn't pick up on it. We'd always been so good at reading each others moods."

"Will, you can't blame yourself. I was doing everything I could to hide it. There probably wasn't anything to pick up on. And with that other big case, we were obviously working long hours. We were probably both tired." She allowed her eyes to meet his again. He looked sad now. "I never did tell you about it did I?" she said.

He shook his head a little. "No"

"I'm sorry," she said, sincerely, feeling like she should apologize for it.

"I know," he said, a tiny smile forming on his lips.

"How did the malpractice case go? And why was I on an abortion case? Certainly that wasn't the best idea either under the circumstances."

"We won the malpractice case, and the abortion case didn't start out as one. In the beginning you were simply representing a couple and the contract they had with their surrogate mother. Things got complicated half way through the pregnancy."

She nodded. "Okay, let's keep reading." She looked at the book again. This entry was written a week after the last one.

" _Everyone's on edge. There's hardly been any time to spend with the kids. The only time Will and I have had alone in past weeks has been at home sleeping. We don't do this very often, have both of us working on a very time demanding case together, but sometimes it's necessary. I don't think either of us realizes the toll it sometimes takes on our marriage. We get along fine at work because we're focused on collaborating, plotting, and dotting all of our I's. But we sometimes ignore the affect the exhaustion takes on us._

 _I especially get snippety if something isn't done exactly how I want it. Yesterday morning we sent the kids off to school, and were hurrying to get out the door to work. Will left his coffee mug on the counter instead of putting it in the sink. It shouldn't have bothered me, but it did. I snapped at him about it. Usually he'd apologize, or make some funny, sarcastic comment to lighten the mood, which I normally appreciate. Instead, he snapped right back at me. It turned into a ridiculous argument over nothing, and we drove to work separately._

 _We both apologized later in the day, but I hate how easily things can escalate sometimes when the root cause of our disagreements is simply that we need more sleep. Everything gets out of balance. We're really great at work, and really awful at home. Yes, this case will bring in a sizeable amount to the firm, improve our reputation, but at what cost? Tomorrow is Halloween. I'm going to put my foot down and tell Will we're spending the evening with the kids."_

Alicia looked back at Will. "That case really did take over our lives?"

"Yeah. It was the case of a lifetime. We brought in more money to the firm in those two months than we had altogether in the previous eighteen. That win should have been one of the highlights of our careers. But by the time it ended, at the beginning of December, you and I were barely speaking to each other. If in the end, after we read through all of this, we determine that case was a big cause of our problems, I swear to you we will never work on a case like that together again."

Alicia nodded, and turned to the next page. "I wrote this next one only two days after the last," she said.

In the entry she'd talked about the kids, and Halloween. Will told her that was the night they had planned on watching a movie together, but after she'd talked to Peter on the phone she'd decided to go to bed instead.

He ran his hand under his chin. "You going to bed that night probably irritated me more than it should have," he admitted. "I'd been looking forward to spending some time alone with you. I thought we'd watch the movie for awhile, and then…"

He couldn't conceal the slightly embarrassed grin that formed on his lips. "It had been a few weeks. I was...missing you," he admitted honestly, his cheeks blushing some.

She nodded, laughing under her breath. She understood perfectly what he meant. Will hadn't been shy in telling her the intimate time they regularly spent together now was as frequent as it had been before. She could understand how going two or three weeks without sex wouldn't have been ideal.

"It wasn't fair for me to be upset about it. We were both exhausted. But the next day you had lunch with Peter, and when you got back to the office," he shook his head, and looked away. "The look in your eyes, and the smile on your face when you talked about him…it made me jealous. You'd only spent an hour with him, had clearly had a good time, and seemed more relaxed than you had in weeks. Yet, I'd tried to spend time with you the night before, and been rejected."

His gaze met hers again. "I've thought about it a lot, and I'm pretty sure those few days are when things really started to slip between us. I was feeling insecure because of Peter and I began to pay close attention to who you had lunch with, who called you at home. I'm not proud of it, but I started keeping score. The way you acted around me and the way you talked about him. You were near the end of a trial against the State's Attorneys office then, and Peter was heading the prosecution. It seems childish now, but it didn't at the time."

"All of that from one lunch with him?" she asked.

"Yes. I'll always be a little wary of Peter because of what happened in college. It's not something I really think about, but whenever he's around…a knot forms in my stomach, even if there's nothing to worry about."

She nodded, thinking about what he'd said. "Why didn't I pass the case against Peter to someone else after we landed our big client?"

"Because you were near the end of it. The abortion case had wrapped up. Many of your other cases were in the early stages, so associates could do a lot of the work, but the trial against Peter was about to begin, and you wanted to defend it. As you know now, it's not unusual for us to be working a few cases at a time, and the trial against Peter was only supposed to last a few weeks at most. That case and our new client were the only things taking up a majority of your time."

"You thought anyway, but I was really working on that medical malpractice suit along with the others?"

"Yes, apparently," he sighed. "Let's find out what was running through your mind during those weeks. It's fair to say I was exhausted, and feeling insecure."

The corners of her lips curved upwards in an attempt to relieve some of the anxiety that had seemed to creep up on him. She began reading again the same entry they'd left off on.

 _\- "I had lunch with Peter Florrick today. I wouldn't even mention it, but he's decided to run for Governor. He asked if I'd join his campaign team, with the promise of making me legal council to the Governor if he wins._

 _I was flattered. Sometimes we get so busy doing the same thing day in and day out, it's nice to know that my efforts at work haven't gone unnoticed, especially right now where I'm exhausted, and barely motivated._

 _I told Peter no. I didn't even think twice about it. I love what I do, I love running my own firm with Will. I can't imagine doing anything different at this point in my life._

 _Will seemed worried when I told him what Peter had wanted. He doesn't like to talk about Peter, and likes it even less if I have a case against him. I think somewhere in the back of Will's mind he'll always feel a need to put his guard up at the mention Peter's name. It's fair. Will's the one who took the brunt of the emotional wreck I was after Peter called off our engagement. He's the one who really helped me pick up all the pieces and put them back together again." -_

Alicia knew this was true. It had only been a few weeks since she'd read with Will her entries from that time, and he'd told her about the night Peter broke off the engagement. She'd shown up at Will's at two in the morning in tears. That hadn't been the only night in the following weeks where she'd put on a brave face for everyone else, but ended up on Will's couch, Kleenex box in hand, with his arm wrapped around her late at night.

 _\- "Peter seems to be happily married. His wife Kerri joined us for lunch. I enjoyed her company. She mentioned possibly getting together for drinks one night. I gave her my number, we'll see if anything comes of it." -_

Will interrupted her reading. It was like a light bulb coming on. "That's when you met Peter's wife," Will said. He'd wondered over the months when the two women had connected.

She looked at him puzzled. "Why would that matter?"

He hadn't told her about Kerri Florrick, or the support group meetings yet. "Because, one of the reasons I thought you were having an affair, was because you'd gotten a few calls from the Florrick residence early in the month. You brushed it off, and said it was Peter trying to further convince you to join his campaign."

He then explained to her the little he knew about her interactions with Peter's wife before moving on.

"Getting a few calls from Peter's home number because of the campaign would have been believable if I hadn't…" Guilt ridden again he looked away. "A few weeks after your lunch with Peter I saw the two of you together at the courthouse. It looked like more than just a friendly interaction between two lawyers on opposite sides of a case."

His eyes met hers again. "Later that night, after you'd gone to bed, I looked at the call history on your phone. You had a dozen or more calls from the same number. All of them were time stamped after 9:00 pm."

He sighed. "I remember staring at the screen for a few minutes, a million thoughts running through my mind, none of them good. It made me angrier the more I thought about it. I was hurt, and jealous, and I convinced myself the only reason you'd have so many calls from his house so late at night was if you were cheating on me."

She raised her brow. "You just assumed all of that without asking me?"

"Yes," he confessed. "Alicia, I was exhausted, I wasn't thinking rationally. I confronted you about it a few days later. But you have to understand that in the few weeks before that, things had been going downhill between us. Our conversations always seemed to be strained. We continued to get into petty little arguments like the coffee mug on the counter. I blew up at you over things like forgetting to pick up my shirts from the cleaners, and not having any clean socks to put on." He couldn't help but chuckle. "That was one of the biggest petty mistakes I've ever made. You nearly went through the roof with anger, saying that laundry was not just a woman's job. And how could I be so chauvinistic? You told me if I wanted clean socks I could wash them myself because you certainly weren't going to wash them after such a comment."

A smug grin formed on her lips. "I hope I didn't wash them. You deserved it after such talk," she chuckled.

"Yes I did," he admitted. "And the following weekend you taught both of the kids how to do their own laundry. That night is the only time I think you've come close to slapping me, and I would have deserved it. It was at least a month agter that before you did any of my wash again. And as you know, I pick up my own shirts from the cleaners now."

She nodded. "What happened when you confronted me about the calls?" she asked.

A serious expression formed in his features again. "That was the first time I accused you of an affair," he said, solemnly.

"The first time?" she said, a bit surprised.

"Yes," he said with a sigh. "I couldn't let it go. And because I wouldn't, I probably made things worse, especially since you were depressed, but I didn't know that at the time."

It was clear to her that he felt extremely guilty over his actions during those months. It was hard for her to believe that he could act in such ways. Not after the way he'd treated her since the accident.

"I really hurt you, didn't I?" she said, sadly.

"We both hurt each other. I'm not convinced you did anything on purpose to hurt me in those early weeks. But I did. There were things I said – awful things – that I'm sure hurt you," he admitted sorrowfully.

"It doesn't sound like you were completely at fault. I was keeping things from you. It just wasn't what you thought." At least that's what she hoped.

He sighed heavily, leaning back on the couch. "I still don't understand why you didn't just tell me about Kerri, and the support group meetings."

"Lets keep reading. Maybe there's an explanation."

She hadn't written much in the three weeks following the previous entry. She'd mentioned getting together with Kerri Florrick, and how heartbreaking it was to see someone else going through a situation similar to her own with Kate.

She'd explained that things had been strained between her and Will, just as he'd said. She'd expressed guilt over it, feeling like it was her fault for keeping the malpractice case from him. But she'd justified it because she'd been so consumed with it. She'd not allowed them to have any sort of lengthy conversation during those weeks because she was worried she'd slip up and mention it, and knew he'd be upset.

 _\- The last thing I need is to give Will something else for us to argue about. -_ She'd written in one entry.

"It doesn't make sense," she said. "My thought process over all of this doesn't seem logical." She looked at him for confirmation.

"No it doesn't. But it might sound logical to someone who was depressed. And your continued mentioning of feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, uninterested in work, and feeling like you were head was barely above water, are things you said constantly after Kate died."

He reached his hand placing it gently on her back. "I think your depression had returned by then, and you either didn't realize it, or didn't want to acknowledge it."

She didn't like this side of herself that was being portrayed on paper. Hiding things from the people she trusted most, irrational thoughts, and the idea that she'd either not realized it, or been too stubborn to acknowledge there was a problem. It all held the makings of disaster, and that's exactly what had happened.

Will continued. "It really bothered you to be diagnosed with depression after Kate. You hated the idea that you couldn't just fight through the mental fog that had consumed you. You felt like it made you weak, and you worried about what other people would think if they knew. You didn't like the idea of medication seemingly controlling your mental stability. So it doesn't surprise me that you didn't, or wouldn't, have wanted to acknowledge anything was wrong last year."

"I don't like the idea of any of that now," she responded. "It really bothers me that I hid all of it from you. And I certainly don't like the idea that I'm still susceptible to it."

He could see in her eyes how much this bothered her. "You are susceptible to it. But there isn't anything about it to be ashamed of." He pulled her closer again in an attempt to comfort her some.

"Just promise me this, if you start feeling the way you've described on these pages, just tell me. It doesn't matter how crazy work is, or how busy with the kids, and life we are. What matters is that if some day the depression tries to creep back in, we treat it from the beginning before it gets bad. It may or may not come back at some point. If it does, we'll deal with it then. There's no sense in worrying about something that may not even happen."

"Okay," she said, relaxing against him more, before beginning to read again.

 _\- "I feel like I've dug myself into a dark hole, and I don't know if I can crawl back out. I've tried to deny it over the past weeks, the idea that I might be depressed again. I thought the overwhelming sadness, loneliness, and lack of interest in what the kids are doing was due to exhaustion. Some of it may be that neither Will nor I are getting much sleep these days, but I think there is more to it than that. Luckily this huge case we are on went to trial this week. But right now I can't think of anything that I'd enjoy doing. Not even a quick weekend getaway with Will sounds appealing. That's definitely a sign something isn't right._

Just as the holiday season is about to get into full swing, something that would normally send a frantic wave of excitement through me, just makes me feel worse. Even thinking about cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the family next week, getting all the holiday decorations out, and rushing around town in the next four weeks to find that perfect gift for everyone, exhausts me. At least I won't have to worry about finding something for Will. I took care of his Christmas gift a few months ago." -

She looked at him again. "What did I get for you?" she asked.

A puzzled expression crossed his face. "I don't know," he said, scratching the top of his head. "We decided to skip the gift exchange between us last year. In order to keep the kids from getting suspicious, we told them we were saving the money we would have spent on gifts for a trip we had planned on taking this year."

"There was no trip was there? We lied to them?" She didn't like the idea of this at all.

"No there wasn't, and we were deceiving everyone then, not just the kids."

"But why?" she asked, slightly frustrated. "I understand trying to hide some this from the kids, but we aren't perfect. Certainly we're allowed to have a little marital discord sometimes. I'd be worried if everything ran smoothly between us all the time."

"Alicia, by Christmas things were really bad between us. But it was the holidays. We didn't want put a damper on anyone's holiday cheer. And we certainly didn't want to ruin the kids Christmas because we weren't getting along. Honestly, even though things were really bad, I think deep down we both wanted it to get better, but we were too stubborn to say anything to the other, and start apologizing for some of the things that had been going on. We hid it because we didn't want anyone to know that our relationship was struggling."

She shook her head. "I guess I can see that, but it doesn't mean I like it. We may never know what that gift I had for you was."

He smiled. "I know, but now I'm really curious about the gift. Maybe we can check the credit card records and figure it out."

"Yes, and if it's still in the house somewhere maybe I can give it to you this year," she said, with raised brow.

He chuckled as she turned her attention back to reading the same entry.  
 _  
\- "There's an invisible wall between us right now. We don't seem to be on the same page about anything.. I think it's time to tell him everything not matter the consequences. He deserves to know, he needs to know what's going on. It won't be easy confessing the malpractice case work I did, or that just last week I started attending a support group for parents who have lost their children to death with Kerri Florrick. I thought the support group might be a good idea for her. It really helped me after we lost Kate. She didn't want to go alone, so I offered to go with her. But sitting in that meeting last week brought up all the old feelings and regrets I had after Kate died._

I hope that by talking to Will, things between us will calm down, and be less strained. I miss the way we were before all of this started - before I started keeping things from him. My actions have been stupid. I miss him, I miss talking and laughing with my best friend. We're living in the same house, but more like roommates, instead spouses. We share the same bed, though nothing but sleep has happened in that bed for weeks. I miss feeling connection and closeness between us when we're making love.

What have I done? Hopefully nothing that can't be fixed. Because I need his love and comfort more than anything else right now. I'm ashamed of the way I've acted the past few weeks. He's probably wondering where the woman he fell in love with has disappeared to. I love him so much, he deserves better than this. I have to tell him everything. He might be a little upset, but he'll know what to say, and what to do. He always does. I can't go another day alone like this." -

They both sat quietly, filling with emotion as she turned the page. It was difficult for her to read about how much she'd obviously been struggling. And he'd had no idea she'd felt that way about him during that time. Everything she'd done in those weeks he'd taken the wrong way. He thought she'd been trying to distance herself from him to hurt him. Not to protect him, not to keep him from worrying about her.

Yes, she was to blame for a lot of it, there was no doubt. But now his stomach turned upside down. He thought she'd fallen out of love with him, had decided someone else was better for her. But it wasn't true at all. Just when she'd needed him and his support the most, he'd turned on her. She never had told him what had been going on, but he knew full well the night he'd accused of the affair had been a few days before Thanksgiving – and only a day or two after the entry she'd just read. She'd probably intended to tell him that night when she came home. She'd called on her way to see if he was still up, but he'd never given her the chance to say much. He'd started in on her as soon as she'd walked through the door that night. He felt awful. Even without reading more, he already knew he'd gotten it all wrong.

 **A/N; Thank you all for hanging in there during this long wait. I appreciate the subtle messages to post a few of you sent in the past week. I know this chapter doesn't answer many questions. More will be answered in the next chapter {which is half written} but I'm going out of town tomorrow, and won't be able to post again until next. So I figured you'd all rather have a little something now instead of waiting another week for an even more insanely long chapter. I hope everyone is having a good summer!**


	39. I Don't Believe You

**A/N; Thank you all so much for continuing to read. Try not to hate Will too much after this chapter, I promise he really does love her.**

Will tightened his grasp around Alicia as she began to read the entry written a few days after he'd accused her of having an affair. He knew what was coming, and it made him feel ill. He could barely believe now some of the things he'd said to her and the way he'd behaved during those months.

She reached for his hand taking it into her own as she read.

 _\- "I'm still trying to process what has happened between Will and I in the past two days. I'm so angry and hurt right now I don't know what to do. I feel like the ground beneath my feet has crumbled into a million pieces. I never would have guessed we'd end up here at some point in our relationship - ever._

 _Two nights ago I came home late because I'd gone to the support group with Kerri. It was much better this week, and gave me the confidence I needed to tell Will everything that's been going on. That's exactly what I was going to do, but I never got the chance._

 _When I got home he was waiting, and he was angry. I don't think I've ever seen him so upset. He barely gave me time to say anything before he started in on everything that's clearly been bothering him recently. Why was I so late getting home - again? He accused me of ignoring the kids. He vented his frustration over our lack of affection recently. He went on and on for a few minutes before he stopped long enough for me to say something. By then I was furious. I felt like he was unfairly accusing and blaming me for everything that he thought was wrong. I'm willing to take some of the blame, but this is not all my fault._

 _Then the argument turned in a direction I never saw coming. He wanted to know what was going on between me and Peter Florrick. I didn't even know what he was talking about. He didn't give me long figure it out either before he started in again. He said he'd checked the call history on my phone the other night - WHILE I WAS SLEEPING - and figured it all out. I know he did it on purpose just to go behind my back. I was appalled!_

 _He's allowed to look at my phone anytime he wants. That's the way it's always been between us. We've never had anything to hide. I could have accessed his phone just as easily. But what bothers me most is that he thought he had to be sneaky about it. He thought he'd find something there I didn't want him to._

 _When he thought he had found something - exactly what he wanted to believe he'd find - he didn't bother to ask me about it. Now he's assuming he knows everything and refusing to even listen to my side of the story!" -_

Alicia kept reading, laying out some of the details from their argument that night. As she continued, a few of the moments from that argument played vividly in the back of Will's mind.

 _\- "You did what?" she yelled back in disgust. "Why didn't you just ask if you could look at my call history instead of going behind my back? I would have shown it to you! Although, I can't figure out why you would want to see it." Anger was rising in her with every passing second._

 _Hands on her hips she backed away from him a few more steps. "What the hell is going on Will? You think you have to spy on me?"_

 _"I'm not SPYING on you. I don't need to. I already know what you've been doing behind my back the past month! Maybe longer!"_

 _"Really! Why don't you tell me then?"_

 _There was a brief pause in the arguing. His eyes locked onto hers as he brought his finger up and pointed it at her. "You're having an affair," he said, bitterly, in a much lower tone._

 _She stood in stunned silence as he looked away from her. "Why Alicia? How could you do this to me? To us? The kids? What did I do? Why after so many years did you decide to run back to Peter?"_

 _He turned away from her throwing his hands in the air. "I didn't like the idea of starting our own firm in Chicago because I knew Peter was here. But this is where the opportunity was, and I thought our relationship, our marriage, was strong enough that I didn't need to worry about it."_

 _He whirled back around, his eyes meeting hers again. "You never got over him did you? It didn't matter what I did. Eventually I should have known you'd go back to him." He paused and stared at her. "Well, are you going to say anything?" he said, snidely._

 _Still trying to come out of the shock of what he'd said, her eyes narrowed. A thin line crossed her lips. "Are you out of your mind?" she shot back loudly. "You think I'm sleeping with Peter Florrick?" She was disgusted, and hurt. The accusation cut through her like a knife._

 _"I don't think you are. I know you are!" he accused._

 _"I am not! I'd never even think of - cheating on you!" She would have laughed out loud at such an accusation if it hadn't hurt her so badly._

" _No? How do you explain all the phone calls from his number late at night? I saw the way you two were the other day at the courthouse. The way you smiled at him. I know that smile Alicia, and I know exactly what it means. What was he whispering in your ear before I showed up and interrupted? All of the things he was going to do to you once he got you in bed?"_

 _She was outraged. "What smile? You didn't see anything going on between us, because there WAS nothing going on. You're way out of line here! I'm not sleeping with him, Will! I'm not sleeping with anyone!" She folded her arms, and glared at him._

 _He chuckled in anger. "Right, not even me!"_

 _"You're right! Not even you. But that's not all my fault."_

 _They both continued to move a few steps around the room as the arguing continued._

 _"It is your fault! You're the one who recoils away whenever I'm within arms lengths of you. You're the one who goes to bed as soon as we, or you, get home at night. I try to talk to you, and you come up with some excuse to cut off the conversation after a few minutes. It's like you can barely stand to be around me anymore."_

 _"You don't understand," she argued. "It's not,"_

 _He cut her off. "You're right, I don't understand. All I've ever done is given you my whole soul, and this is what I get in return?"_

 _"And I've given you the same. Listen to yourself Will, this is insane. I'm not cheating on you!" -_

He wasn't certain now of many of the details, or if he was even remembering the argument correctly. But he did remember all too well one of the last things he'd said to her before she'd thrown up her arms in anger and frustration and stormed out of the room that night.

 _\- "I don't believe you! Look me in the eye and tell me there's nothing going on. That you aren't sleeping with another man. That you haven't been keeping secrets from me."_

 _She stepped closer to him, stopping within inches of his face. "I'm not having an affair," she said, coldly. -  
_  
 _I don't believe you_. It had been a phrase he'd used many times in the months that followed. Why had he been so stubborn, and unwilling to believe her? He'd been so certain he was right, he'd never given her a real chance to explain, and that had probably been his biggest mistake.

How would he be able to explain it now? He knew she'd ask, and he wouldn't have a good answer. He was the one who had sounded completely crazy that night, not her.

These were just a few of the thoughts running through his mind as his eyes fixed on her again while she read. Her dark hair tucked behind her ear, her long lashes, her porcelain skin, the look of concentration in her features as she read, he loved everything about her. How could he ever make up for the way he'd treated her back then? He knew he couldn't, and maybe it was better she couldn't remember all the details. She could read about it, but that would never be the same as remembering.

He'd apologize for it. Get down on his hands and knees and beg for her forgiveness if it was necessary. But in the end, he'd be the one who would have to live with the memories as a constant reminder of what he'd done and almost lost.

She continued to read the same entry.

 _\- "I know I've distanced myself from him in recent weeks, but he acted like a completely different person two nights ago. Even now writing about it is bringing tears to my eyes. But writing about it is the only way to talk about it. I can't tell anyone else what's going on. Not even Julia or Diane. And that makes me feel more lonely, like I'm my own island in the middle of the ocean._

 _How could he even think I'd cheat on him? Throw away our marriage like that? The scary thing is that he does think I cheated, and refuses to believe I'm telling him the truth when I say I'm not._

 _I've never seen him like this. The way he's looked at me the past two days has sent shivers down my spine. There hasn't been an ounce of love to be found in him, and it's starting to scare me. Has my behavior in the past weeks really been so awful that it's come to this? I was just trying to keep him from worrying about me. I feel completely lost now. I can sense my body and mind wanting to shut down just like I did when I was depressed after Kate died. The anxiety of trying to deal with this without Will's support is suffocating. But it's as if he's given up on us without even trying to discuss it. He just made up his mind one day, and that was it._

 _He's spent the past two nights in the guest room, but his sister Aubrey flew into town today, so he'll have to sleep in the same bed as me tonight. I don't know how we're going to get through Thanksgiving." -_

She had a lot of questions running through her mind after she finished reading the entry. She turned and looked at Will, who looked pale and lost in thought.

"I don't even know where to begin with this," she said. "I can't even picture you being this way. Was it really like that? Were you really that awful? You didn't even give me a chance to explain, when according to this, I was going to tell you everything that night?"

His dark brown eyes focused on her once again. "Yes, I was really that awful - even worse. You didn't write down some of the really horrible things I said to you that night. Things I'm not willing to repeat." Things he didn't want to repeat in own mind if he were honest.

He took the journal out of her hand, and set it aside, entwining his fingers with her. "Leesh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for accusing you of an affair. I'm sorry for not listening when you tried to explain. I'm sorry for not believing you, and the pain and heartache I can only imagine my actions that night caused you."

He was getting emotional. She could see it in his eyes. "Why did you refuse to believe me?" she asked calmly. She wanted to know. It made her nervous to think he could just turn on her like that without an explanation. She'd never seen him look so guilty and ashamed, but he held her gaze.

"There isn't a good explanation. I was hurting and jealous. Too tired to think straight, and I thought I had all the evidence I needed." He shook his head. "I'd had one too many drinks that night waiting for you to come home, and that didn't help either."

He played with her fingers as he continued. "There's no excuse good enough, Alicia. All I can do now is apologize and promise to never do anything like that to you again."

She studied him closely. There was no excuse, she thought to herself. But it was clear that he now regretted everything he'd said and done that night.

His eyes began to water some. "A few entries ago you wrote about missing me, feeling hurt, being alone. That's exactly how I felt. But you coming home so late that night only further caused me believe you were having an affair. I had called your cell and your office number and gotten no answer. I assumed you'd been with Peter and it infuriated me."

He sighed heavily. "About ten minutes after you stormed out of the room that night unwilling to listen to me anymore, I went upstairs. I was going to come to bed. I got to the door of our room and it was locked. I could hear you crying. I almost knocked just to see if you'd let me in. But I decided we needed some time to cool off. So I went and slept in the gust room. Do you know how many times we've slept apart by choice in the past twenty years?"

"How many?" she responded.

"Three times. Once a few months after we got married and got into a ridiculous argument, and the two nights following that argument last year."

She nodded in understanding.

"The next morning I got up, felt a little better, and realized that maybe I'd gone over the edge the night before. I wasn't ready to believe you weren't having an affair, but I thought you deserved a chance to explain."

"But this entry was written a few days later."

"Yes. The following morning I went into the kitchen after the kids had gone to school. I tried a little small talk at first, but you wouldn't even look at me, and rushed off to work. I don't think you said a single word to me directly that entire day. In the following week you only talked to me if you had to."

"How did we get through Thanksgiving?"

He ran a few fingers under his chin. "Very mechanically. I came to bed late the night Aubrey got into town. I could tell you were still awake when I climbed into bed even though you were pretending to be asleep.

 _\- "Alicia," he said, staring up at the ceiling._

 _Her back was turned to him. She was staring at the curtained window. "Don't Will. There is nothing you can say right now that won't land us in another argument," she said, bitterly. "We'll still do everything we had planned this weekend. We'll pretend everything's fine. The kids deserve that much, and the last thing I need right now is for my mother and your sister to get into the middle of this. I don't know when I'll be willing to talk to you about everything you said the other night. Maybe when you stop looking at me like I'm a criminal, and acknowledge that you were wrong."_

 _"I don't,"_

 _She cut him off quickly. "I'm not having an affair Will. I know you don't believe me. But until you do, there's nothing else for us to say."_

 _"Alicia, will you just listen to me for a minute?" he said, in frustration, turning onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow. "You're right, I don't believe you aren't having an affair, but,"_

 _She sat up, grabbed the throw blanket off the chaise and left the room._

 _He sighed in frustration running his hands over his face. It only irritated him more that she wouldn't even listen to him. He gave some thought to going after her, but decided against it. He knew she wouldn't talk to him anyway._

 _When she'd left the room she'd intended to sit on the sofa in the front room where he couldn't see her unless he came down the stairs. Instead, feeling like the walls were closing in around her, she slipped on a pair of slippers, grabbed a heavier blanket, and went outside. Sitting on the cold covered patio furniture, she buried her head in the blanket and sobbed until there didn't seem to be any tears left._

 _The next morning when he woke she was back in the bed asleep with a blanket wrapped around her all the way up to her chin. He had no idea when she'd come back to bed. Sometime after two in the morning. That had been the last time he'd looked at the clock before falling into a fitful sleep. -_

"I deserved the cold shoulder," he said, running his fingers over hers.

"When did we talk about that argument?" she asked.

"We never did," he said, solemnly. "If I'd been less stubborn and jealous during that time, maybe I would have realized that your withdrawing from me, and your lack of interest in having any sort of meaningful conversation, was because of your depression. I tried to bring the affair up a few more times in the next couple of weeks. Not because I'd changed my mind, but because I wanted to know what I'd done that had caused you to look for love from someone else. You weren't willing to discuss it. I can understand why now, but at the time it just made me angrier. I took your unwillingness to talk about it as an admission of guilt.

After a few weeks I stopped trying to get any answers. We stopped talking about us and our relationship. Everything between us became mechanical. We shut off our emotions. We pretended at work, we pretended at home when the kids were around. It was easier to live together without emotion, than to have the discussion we needed.

Honestly, when we cut out the emotional side of things we argued less and were able to talk to each other more. It was easier to pretend we were doing fine."

He looked right into her eyes again. "That was my perspective. But I'd be interested to know if you felt the same. I have an idea now of how bad your depression was by the middle of January. I still can't believe that if it was really as bad as I've been led to believe, that you were able to function as well as you did."

He looked away from her again. "I can't believe I behaved like such a fool and turned a blind eye to something that should have been obvious to me."

She wondered herself how she'd been able to hide the depression so well if it was as bad as he'd previously described to her after Kate had died.

She let her head fall back against the couch cushion, staring up at the ceiling. "We can read more. But aside from how awful you treated me, and I still can't wrap my head around that, maybe it was all my fault it went on for so long. You said you tried to get me to talk, but I wasn't willing too. Being depressed I probably didn't want to deal with it, and instead pushed you away."

"Yeah, maybe," he sighed. "But if I would have just listened to you that first night, maybe none of it would have happened."

They sat in silence for a few moments before she reached for the journal again.

Her entries from the month of December were all very similar. She tended to write a little about what the kids were doing at the beginning of each, and then\ write about how things were between she and Will.

 _\- He barely looks at me anymore, and when he does he just seems angry and disgusted. He came to me the other night when I was trying to get ready for bed. He said he wanted to talk. That he wanted an explanation. An explanation? There isn't anything to explain. All he's interested in an admission that I had this made up affair. He's not looking for the truth. -_

In another entry she wrote,

 _\- We had a big celebration at the office last night. Part Holiday party, and part in celebration of our big win last week. Will put on quite the show in front of our colleagues and invited guests, falling into our usual happily married, power couple routine. Offering to get me drinks, standing close enough our bodies touched, placing his hand on the small of my back. Although, no one watching would have noticed his hand was barely touching me. I understand why we have to pretend, but it only makes angry to think about. I certainly wasn't putting in any sort of effort other than to hold a permanent smile on my face._

I _was hurt and angry when this all started. Right now I'm just angry at him, beyond hurt. I'm angry at him for making such a mess of things. I'm angry that he would even consider I'd cheat on him._

 _I went to another group meeting with Kerri tonight. Instead of going home, I came back to the office afterwards. I don't have the energy to go home before he goes to sleep tonight and end up in another argument. He said some things to me a few nights ago that I'm not going to repeat because if we ever get out of this mess, I don't want to ever be reminded of them._

 _I don't understand his behavior. He's never talked to me the way he has in the past few weeks - ever. I'm sure if I felt better, had more energy, or was looking at this from the outside I'd be outraged and put him in his place. But I don't have the fight left in me right now. It's easier to avoid the conflict. -_

She looked at him again, scrunching her eyes in curiosity. "What did you say to me that was so awful?"

"I already told you they were things I'd never repeat. You don't need to know." He brought his hand gently to her face. "You don't want to know," he said softly. "Please just trust me on this, okay? I hope you never remember some of the things I said during those weeks." The anguish and sorrow in his eyes was enough to convince her.

She leaned forward a bit, pressing her forehead to his. "Okay, but I don't like this. The way I've described it makes you sound like a completely different person. You say it will never happen again, and I want to believe you, but some of this is unsettling."

He cupped her face in his hands, his forehead still pressed to hers. "I know. And I don't blame you for feeling uneasy. I really am sorry. We don't have to read on if you don't want to."

"No, I want to keep reading. This part of our lives - it happened. I think it's better for me, for us, to know instead of trying to ignore it for the rest of our lives."

He pulled back placing a kiss to her forehead. "Okay,"

She settled against him again before continuing to read.

 _\- "It's been a whole month since Will accused me of the affair. We've fallen into this ridiculous routine. We talk like casual acquaintances, nothing holding any substance. But at least there's been more talking than arguing this week. It's easier that way." -  
_  
And then in another entry she'd written,

 _\- "The anger in his eyes seems to have gone, but I can tell he still thinks I cheated on him. When I think about it I can hardly breathe. The idea that he thinks I've fallen out of love with him, cheated on him...it makes me sick. I can't even imagine how I'd feel if the tables were turned. But I don't think he'll believe the truth. It's easier to just not think about it. Some days it's easier to not think about much at all." -_

After a few more entries she paused, turning her attention to him again. "Do you think if we'd had the affair discussion after so many weeks, and you'd let me explain, that you would have believed me?"

"Yes. If you had been straight with me, and told me everything that had been going on, I'd like to think I would have believed you."

She shook her head. "All that wasted time over miscommunication."

His arm around her shoulder he pulled her closer. "Yeah, it was," he said, silently vowing he'd never let anything like that happen again.

She continued.

 _\- "Everything seems to get harder with each passing day. It takes more effort to pull myself out of bed each morning. Go to work and pretend I'm fine. Give the kids the attention they deserve. I love them both so much, but when I get home from work all I want to do is go to bed and sleep. I don't know if I can pull myself out of this depression. That's what it is. I can't deny it anymore. It's just like before. I thought it would get better after the infant death malpractice case was over, but it hasn't. Maybe I just need a few days to relax and sleep._

 _Christmas is in a few days. I usually take the week between Christmas and New year's off. I'll do the same this year. Will may take a few days off, but he never takes the whole week. That will be good. I can get away with sleeping more when he's at work. Maybe between the extra sleep, forgetting about work for a few days, and spending some time with the kids, I can pull myself out of this." -_

Alicia turned the page. "January 1," she said, glancing up at Will.

 _\- "It's been a very difficult week. It's the middle of the night, and I'm sitting in the family room - alone. If it were any other year Will would be sitting here with me. We'd be snuggled together under a blanket exhausted from our annual New Year's Eve party. We'd say we should really go to bed, but we wouldn't move. The amber light from the fire, and sparkling lights from the Christmas tree beckoning us to stay a little longer._

 _But it isn't like that this year. The fires lit, the lights on the tree are still on, but the best part of that scenario is noticeably missing tonight - Will._

 _Christmas Day was hard to get through. For anyone looking in from the outside, everything would have seemed fine, even good. My mother, Owen, Diane and Kurt all came over for dinner. I doubt if any of them noticed the thin air between Will and I. We hid it pretty well._

 _I shouldn't say the entire day was bad, there were many good things that happened. It was just emotionally draining. On top of the situation between Will and I, Mom brought her latest and greatest with her. Her behavior just irritates me. I think she met him a week ago, and thought it would be appropriate to invite him to our quaint holiday gathering. And of course once she walked through the door she tried to take over in the kitchen, and then complained the turkey was too dry when she's the one who thought it needed another half hour of cooking before we took it out of the oven._

 _My head was pounding by the time she and Bill left. No one else seemed to mind, but I was ready to pull my hair out. Thank heavens Diane and Kurt were there. Diane helped me with dishes, and distracted me by talking about a trip Kurt surprised her with as a gift. They'll be spending a week in the Caribbean come mid-January._

 _Speaking of gifts, Will and I mutually decided not to exchange gifts this year. At the time it didn't bother me. But somewhere deep down I'm sad I didn't give him the gift I bought for him almost six months ago. It was going to be such a good surprise._

 _When he was younger his father won two tickets to the final game of the 1983 World Series, through the company he was working for. The game was a match between the Baltimore Orioles, Will's favorite team, and the Philadelphia Phillies. Will's father took him to the game._

 _The Orioles won the title in that game, and haven't done it since. All these years later he still talks about that experience with a gleam in his eye. Now that his father is gone I think that memory holds even more meaning for him." -_

She briefly paused, and looked at him. He nodded affirmatively with a thoughtful look on his face. He was very curious to see where this was going.

 _\- "Will had a client for a number of years who was a huge baseball fan. He passed away in August. The family held an online auction selling a number of valuable items from the man's large collection. One of the items they decided to sell was a baseball," -_

"Hit by one of the players scoring a home run in that game." He'd cut Alicia off mid-sentence. She was now staring at him. "That ball was signed by the team," he said. "I tried to win the online auction but someone outbid me."

He smiled shaking his head. "I bet I can guess who outbid me now," he chuckled.

She laughed under her breath as she read on.

 _\- "It probably wasn't the smartest financial decision I've ever made, bidding against my own husband. But I wanted it to be a surprise for him. It nearly killed me to keep it a secret from him once I'd won because he was so disappointed about losing it._

 _All week I've thought about giving it to him anyway. He seemed different tonight at the party, acted like he actually wanted to be near me. Maybe it was just all an act. If it wasn't, and if I gave him the gift, maybe it would help smooth the waters a little. Open the door for a meaningful conversation. I'm still hurt. I'm still a little bit angry, but I hate where we're at now._

 _My time off from work this week hasn't seemed to do much for the depression. I feel like I'm holding onto the end of a thin rope with all I have left in me. I don't feel like there's anyone I can turn to for support right now. My mother and Owen are out of the question. They'd both just cause more stress. Diane is too close to both Will and I. I'd talk to Julia, but she's really too far away to do anything._

 _What I really need is what I've always counted on, Will's support. That's if he's still willing to give it to me. I'm so incredibly sad right now that without something I don't know how much longer I can fight through this. I might be willing to begin to forgive him, if he'd be willing to do the same, because despite all that's gone on, I still love him with all my heart."-_

Alicia brought one hand to her chest, staring at the page below her. It broke her heart to read this. She wanted to be understanding of Will's point of view during that time, fully acknowledging that she had been part of the problem during those months. But she had to admit she felt a hint of agitation towards him now, and it frustrated her.

All of sudden this had become very real for her. This wasn't just an acquaintance or fictional character they were reading about. This was her. The knowledge that he'd actually treated her this way, that she'd been so depressed, that they'd been at such odds for so many weeks, stung right through her.

She didn't know now if she should, or had the right to be a little upset with him. He'd apologized a few times already during the course of the evening, but was it enough? In many ways it had to be. What else was there to do at this point? She didn't like this new onslaught of emotions that flooded over her.

Sensing the sudden wave of anxiety that had come over her Will tightened his grasp around her. "Alicia, I feel awful about all of it," he said sincerely. "I couldn't get to sleep that night. I remember coming out of our room after some time, and watching you for a few minutes from the upstairs landing. You were curled up in a blanket, wine glass in one hand. I don't know if it was before or after you'd written in your journal that night.

Your back was turned to me. I couldn't see your face. But in the quiet of the house at that late hour I knew you were crying. I thought about coming down, sitting next to you, and trying to talk."

She let him go on, but didn't look at him. She didn't know if she could without tears spilling from her eyes.

"I was much less angry and jealous by then. It was the first time I can recall thinking that maybe I'd been wrong. I did act differently that night, I wanted to see if you'd return the real attention and affection I tried to portray towards you."

He meant every word. He had genuinely tried to be attentive, and a little affectionate towards her during their party, but had seen in her eyes that she'd wondered what his motives were. Knowing full well she'd thought it had just been another act. Something they'd gotten all to good at during that month.

By New Years Eve he had begun to genuinely miss her, was even beginning to think that even if she had cheated on him, he might be willing to forgive her. But he'd never told her that, and he knew now that three short weeks after that night, just three days after they'd had another awful argument at work, she'd dropped everything, flown to Seattle to spend a few days with Julia, and at the time hadn't intended to come back home.

"I should have come down that night. I should have put an end to the mess."

She found the courage to look at him, her hazel eyes seemingly piecing right through him. "I think we need to stop reading for tonight," she said evenly. "I think I believe you. I think this was a big deep dark pit we'd both dug around each other. But I need some time to think, to process all of this before we read more, okay?"

He suddenly realized the hesitancy in her. "You're upset with me aren't you?" He squeezed her hand. One of his biggest fears during the past eight months seemed to be standing on the doorstep, and it worried him.

"I...I don't want to be Will. But yes, I think I am a little upset." She closed the journal and set it aside. "I just want to be done with this for tonight. It's hard reading about myself - about us - and not recalling any of it." She looked down at their hands.

He lifted a gentle finger to her chin so she'd look at him again. "Okay. Just remember I love you, and I never want anything like that to happen to us again. Please don't shut me out while you process all of it. I want to know what you're thinking, even if it's bad."

His hands moved to her arms. "I can never make up, or apologize enough for my behavior during that time. Please try to understand that and not give up on me." He looked as though he was in real pain.

"I'm not going to give up on you," she said, with a gentle smile. "I need time to think, that's all." She may be feeling a bit of anger, but was honestly relieved that the topic of Brian hadn't come up yet. Maybe she really had made up that kiss with him in her dreams. If not, she wouldn't be the only one with a reason to be upset. He'd have every right to be if it were true. The idea sent shivers down her spine. But for tonight she wasn't going to think about that. She was going to focus on him, and processing everything she'd read.

"Okay. I love you," he said.

She was upset about it all, but she believed he was being sincere, and she wanted him to know she wasn't trying to distance herself from him. "I know. I love you too," she replied softly, then leaned in to place a warm kiss to his lips.


	40. Fathers

Will, Alicia, and the kids were in the rental car on their way to Will's mother's. The kids were talking nonstop in the backseat. Grace could barely contain her excitement over getting to spend a few days with her Grandmother again.

As they drove, Will pointed out a few places from his childhood. The kids just rolled their eyes since it was something he did every time they'd come to visit. Zach had made a sarcastic comment about it, which made Alicia chuckle under her breath. She knew Will had partially pointed the places out for her benefit

Despite the excitement, her head was throbbing in pain. She'd tried to hide it not wanting to put a damper on the excitement over visiting Will's family for the Thanksgiving holiday. But Will had seen right through her, noticing the painful expressions that crossed her face while she was trying to rest on the plane.

"You okay?" he asked quietly, placing a hand on her leg, glancing over at her.

She nodded. "Yeah, I'll be fine," she said, with a smile, but sighed.

"You can lie down and rest when we get there," he said.

She only nodded, placing her hand over his. She'd had an onslaught of headaches in the past week. The only upside to all of the pain had been a slew of memories that had seemed to return along with headaches. At her monthly checkup a few days prior the doctors didn't seem to think the headaches had any correlation to the memory recollections. Alicia wasn't convinced.

Bits and pieces of the past had returned, many that she could still hold no timeline to. Will had been able to help with some of the missing information, telling her they'd happened during their days at Georgetown and their early married life.

She glanced at Will again and couldn't help but smile. The look in his eyes every time she told him she'd remembered something was one of elation and relief. Something that he'd needed in the past week.

He'd been looking forward to their trip that would give him a break from work. The emotional strain he'd felt in the past week seemed to be weighing more heavily on him than he'd like. His mother had called the week before and told him she was going to sell the house. That she didn't need all the space anymore without his father, and was tired of all the upkeep. She was hoping to go through things while the family was there together. That would mean cleaning out the remainder of his father's things that she'd held onto.

Will understood and supported her decision. But that meant that this visit would likely be the last time he'd spend at the home he'd grown up in.

Being at the forefront of his mind, the news had caused him to miss his father again. As long as his mother lived in the house it was easier to still feel some sort of connection to his father. The idea of the house being sold made the death seem more finite. He'd get over it. But the emotions involved in that added to the extra emotional strain from reading through Alicia's journals in the past week, wasn't making things any easier.

It had only been five days since they'd read through some of the difficult journal entries. He'd been worried that things would be different between them after that night, strained. Over the past few days he'd catch her staring at him with an odd expression on her face, and wonder what she was thinking about. But her behavior towards him hadn't changed much.

Just the night before while they'd been packing, she'd told him she didn't want him to apologize anymore for the way he'd behaved during those months. That she was still thinking through it all, and certainly didn't approve of some of his behavior. But she'd decided that while he'd obviously done and said some things that had been out of line, he couldn't be held solely responsible for everything that had happened between them. She told him it had become obvious to her that her depressed state had probably been a huge contributor to their issues. And that at this point she was more interested in finding out exactly how she had and hadn't coped with the depression, along with everything else during those months, than she was about his poor handing of some of the situations they'd gotten into.

He wasn't certain if that meant she'd forgiven him and had decided he was being completely honest and sincere in his apologies or not. She hadn't made it clear. But he hoped it meant she at least understood that he'd never treat her that way again.

He was looking forward to reading more with her, and finding out exactly what she'd been thinking during those months that had caused her to do some of the things she'd done, and ultimately led to her asking for a separation. If anything, he was the one over thinking things now.

It was early evening when they pulled into the driveway of the house. The kids couldn't get out of the car fast enough. They were tired of sitting and being cramped in small spaces for a good chunk of the day.

Alicia went to open the car door, but Will didn't move. His hand still firmly placed on her leg.

"The first time I brought you here was after we graduated and were on our way to New York." He stared at the house in front of them. "My parents had met you a few times. They seemed to like you, but I was still nervous. I'd never brought a girl home to spend the night."

"Really? Didn't you date all the time during college?" she said, with raised brow.

"I did. Periodically I would bring a girl home. But Georgetown is less than two hours from here. I never dated anyone until you that warranted an overnight stay at my parents." He chuckled. "And my father never really liked anyone I'd dated until he met you."

"Oh come on. There must have been other girls you dated that he liked."

He shook his head, a gentle smile on his lips. "No. I've already mentioned that I played around a lot before grad school. He knew it, and he didn't approve. The few times I did bring a girl home he just assumed I'd be on to the next in a few weeks." He shook his head. "It made me so angry sometimes. He'd made up this image in his mind of what he thought my dating life was like and refused to think any differently."

"Was he right?"

"Sometimes," he admitted. "Being his only son he had certain expectations. He always outwardly supported what I did, but I always knew when he was disappointed."

"We all disappoint our parents at some point."

"Yes," he sighed. "Anyway, you were the first girl I brought home that he actually wanted to have a conversation with. Usually he'd stick around long enough for introductions and small talk, then make up some excuse to go hide out in the den until it was almost time for me and my guest to leave four or five hours later. I was a little worried he'd do the same with you, and I was nervous about what you would think. But it was completely different when you were here."

She was going to ask him why, but just then the kids and Will's mother emerged from the house

The following day the house was filled with the aroma of freshly baked pies, rolls, and the turkey that was in the oven. Will's sisters were there, Sara with her husband and two children, and Aubrey with her boyfriend.

The men were in the family room, a football game on in the background. The women had just finished up a few things in the kitchen. That had been the deal that had been struck. The women would make the meal, but the men had to clean up afterwards.

Alicia paused briefly as she entered the room and watched Will. He was on the floor playing a game with Zach, Grace, and Sara's seven year old son. He had Sara's four year daughter on his lap. They were teammates since she was too young to understand how the game worked.

This was a side of Will she hadn't seen yet, interacting with children much younger than their own. She found it completely adorable. But at the same time wished she could remember him interacting with Zach and Grace when they were younger. She went and sat behind him on the sofa.

Seeing Alicia, the four year old looked right at Will. "Do you think Aunt Alicia could be my teammate now?" she asked very seriously, folding her arms across her chest.

"Well aren't you having fun with me?" Will said.

"Yes, but I want to win. We are not winning Uncle Will. Maybe Aunt Alicia knows how to play this better than you."

Everyone in the room laughed, even Will who was trying to decide just how to respond. Alicia slid off the couch to the floor next to him and assessed the game. "Lilly, you're right. It doesn't look like Uncle Will knows how to play this game very well. But you know what? My dad taught me how to play this when I was younger. Maybe you and I and Uncle Will could all be on the same team."

Will chuckled. "No. Maybe Lilly is right. I think we'll leave it to the expert." He smiled, pressed a quick to her cheek, and got up off the floor. "Uncle Will is going to get something to drink, and watch the end of this game."

Late in the evening everyone was sitting around the table talking, stomachs full, the kitchen piled with dishes that needed to be done. The men had yet to get to their task. Will's mother had insisted it could wait. She said she wanted to watch the grandkids in the other room, and listen to the chatter at the table. That these moments spent together were more important than the dishes.

Alicia was enjoying the conversation, although her head was beginning to bother her again. Will's sisters were fun to be around. She got a kick out of them constantly pestering Will about one thing or the other. He took it all in good stride. But she would be grateful once the house quieted down for the night, and she and Will would be left alone in his old room later.

She felt right at home here. Being here was similar to the way it had been when she first went home with Will after the accident. The house seemed familiar to her, which was a relief.

Will leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"Lilly, it's time to go to bed," Sara called to the four year old in the other room.

Lilly came towards her mother, arms folded, a pout on her lips. "Why do I have to go to bed before everyone else?"

"Because you're younger, and I already let you stay up past your bedtime," Sara responded.

Will turned to her. "Lilly, I have a surprise for you, but you have to promise to be good and do what your mom asks if I give it to you."

The dark haired, brown eyed girl slowly looked from her mother to her uncle considering his offer. "Okay, I promise." She went and stood in front of Will.

He reached his hand to her ear and pulled out a quarter holding it between his fingers so Lilly could see. At that moment a flash of memory crossed Alicia's mind of his father doing the same thing with Grace she could only assume. There had been a few other brief moments of recognition like this one since they'd arrived. She found herself feeling a heavy sense of loss when she caught a glimpse of a photo of Will's father from the corner of her eye, not dissimilar to the sense of loss she felt when she thought about her own father being gone.

She wondered if it was simply that she could sense Will's own feelings towards his father. The night before, she'd woken in the middle of the night to an empty spot in the bed next to her. She found him in the den, looking through a photo album. It had been at that point where he'd admitted to her how much he was struggling with his mother's decision to move. And how being here had made him miss his father.

They spent nearly an hour sitting together in his father's recliner while Will told her stories about him from when he was younger. She'd listened with great interest, sitting in his lap, her arm wrapped around his neck. She'd finally managed to coax him back upstairs with a few loving, passionate kisses, and the promise for more once they were back in bed.

Lilly's squeals of delight and her sudden plunge towards Will wrapping her arms around his neck for a hug brought Alicia back out of her thoughts.

That night they lay cuddled next to each other in bed. She'd told him about the memory of his father she'd had earlier, "I wish I could remember him better. He sounds like a wonderful man," she said, her arm wrapped around Will's middle.

He turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling. "That you remember him at all means a lot to me Leesh. I told you the other day that he really liked you. But it became more than that." His eyes found hers again.

"Once we got settled in New York he'd call every other week or so. We'd talk about work, the stock market, sports. Near the end of our conversations he'd always ask about you. In the beginning I think he was just making sure I hadn't done anything to screw up our relationship."

They both chuckled. He took her hand into his entwining their fingers. "Your father and mine were the same age. Even though I hadn't proposed yet when your father passed away, my parents knew about my plans to do so. I didn't know until several years later, when my mother told me, that your father's death had a real affect on my father. The two men had only met once at our graduation. But the idea of you losing your father at such a young age made him stop and think about life a little. He couldn't imagine Sara or Aubrey being without him at that point in their lives. He knew how much your father meant to you. So he put a lot of effort into cultivating a good relationship with you. He knew he could never replace your father, and that was never his intent. Even though we never lived close to them, you viewed my parents, particularly my father, as a little stability in the background that your mother's frequent relationship changes never provided. Overtime you became like another daughter to him, and that relationship started when we got married."

"I read about some of that in my journal awhile back."

"You never did tell me exactly what happened the night before the wedding. Only that you two had talked unexpectedly, and that had changed you mind about a few things at the reception."

"I can summarize the conversation he and I had for you."

"I'd like that," he said, gently running his hand over her arm.

 _\- It was getting late. Most of the wedding guests had gone back to their rooms for the night. Wanting some fresh air and time alone, not to mention needing a break from her mother, Alicia went to sit outside near the hotel pool._

 _Will's father was there sitting in a cushioned chair trying to read a newspaper in the dim outside lighting._

 _"Guess I'm not the only one in need of some fresh air," she said, setting her bottle of sparkling water on the small table, then sitting in the chair next to him._

 _"I just needed some quiet for few minutes. The girls and Will's mother are painting their toenails, and doing all those other last minute things you women do the night before a wedding." He smiled at her. "In fact don't you have a long list of things you need to get done before tomorrow?"_

 _Alicia only chuckled settling more comfortably in her chair. "My mother seems to think so, but as you know I'm a planner. Anything that isn't done at this point doesn't need doing."_

 _She took a sip of her drink. "I may be eating those words tomorrow morning, but as far as I'm concerned tonight, everything is ready to go."_

 _She cast a sideways glance at Paul. "Will is ready right? He hasn't lost the ring? He has shoes to go with his tux?" She was joking, and his father knew it. She'd triple checked all of those things before she and Will had left their apartment the day before._

 _They both laughed. "No, this is one time in his life where I think he's remembered everything. As long as he doesn't get too drunk with his friends tonight, I think things will go as planned tomorrow."_

 _"You don't have to worry about that. I threatened him with his life if he got too carried away tonight," she said, with raised brow._

 _They sat in silence for a few moments enjoying the crisp air, and view of the vineyards that lay before them._

 _"Are you nervous?" he asked, breaking the silence._

 _"I..." Her eyes fell on him again. "No, I don't think so. I'm more anxious than anything. I just want it to be here. I want to walk down that isle and hold his hand and just..."_

 _Out of nowhere a lump formed in her throat, a few tears slipped from her eyes, all of her uncertainty suddenly rising to the surface._

 _"What if I don't make a good wife? I mean I don't know how to be a wife." Her defenses were down. She felt like she barely knew Will's father, but somehow felt she could trust him. "And I don't know how to be a good mother."_

 _Anxiety flooding her, she stood and turned to face him. "I'm not pregnant," she clarified, wanting to make that very clear. "But what if when the time comes I'm really bad at it? And what happens if one day Will and I get into a really horrible argument? We can both be really stubborn. What if we can't fix it? What if I have some really annoying habit and it drives him crazy. I don't want to drive him crazy?"_

 _She rambled on another minute. Will's father listened patiently. Finally she put a hand over her mouth. "Maybe I'm really not ready to get married!" she said, terrified, breaking out in a cold sweat. "I am nervous. I'm worried sick I'll screw everything up at some point and that he'll end up hating me. I don't know if I can go through with this."_

 _There was a brief pause once she'd finished before Will's father broke out in applause. She stared at him startled by his reaction. Maybe she shouldn't have been so open about all of this._

 _He got up from his seat and went to stand next to her. "Congratulations Alicia, you really are human just like the rest of us."_

 _"I don't understand," she said, honestly._

 _"Honey, you're very good at planning out your life. You're strong willed, independent, you know what you want, and you know how to get it. You've managed to turn Will into a semi-organized person. I never thought that was possible. But life is full of uncertainty. You can't plan everything out, it's impossible. If you really weren't at all nervous about getting married, I'd be worried."_

" _Really? Do you think Will is nervous to?"_

 _He laughed under his breath. "Yes. He'd never admit it, but I think he is. I'll be honest with you. Marriage is a roller coaster. There are ups and downs. You'll be thrown curve balls you never saw coming. I guarantee you and Will are going to get into some bad arguments, and yes, you are both stubborn. Being married, you two are going to see each other at your very worst, in attitude, and in illness."_

 _"You aren't encouraging me here," she said, a little smile on her lips._

 _"Let me ask you this. Do you love him?"_

 _"Yes! Very much."_

 _"Can you imagine your life without him?" He held up his finger before she answered. "I want you to think about that for a minute."_

 _She did as instructed, but knew her answer wouldn't change. "No, I can't. He's been around for so long I barely remember what it was like without him in my life."_

 _"Then one day if things get really bad between you two, and you don't think you'll ever get past it, I want you to think back to this night. Remember how much you love him right now. I guarantee you'll love him even more as time goes on. But if you can remember how much you love him tonight, and how you can't imagine life without him, I think you'll find a way to get through the struggle. And if not, well, you can chop it up as bad advice from your soon to be father-in-law."_

 _She exhaled in relief._

 _"I don't claim to have all the answers. But I know this. My son loves you. He and I have had our moments of disagreement. I've probably been harder on him than I should have been at times. But on this we agree. You make him a better person. He's happy when he's with you. It had been a long time since I'd seen him as happy as he was when he finally admitted he was dating you exclusively two months into your relationship. I guess what I'm saying Alicia, is that it's okay to be nervous. He's nervous too. This is a new phase of life for both of you, and there isn't a map to tell you where to go or how to get there. But I honestly think it will all work out. I can't promise a fairly tale ending. But I've got a good feeling about this. I think you and Will are going to be just fine."_

 _She bit her lower lip, wiping at a few more tears that had escaped. "Thank you," she said, sincerely. "I think I just needed to get that out of my system."_

 _"You're welcome." The older man briefly embraced her. After pulling away he reached into his pocket and handed her a small box. "This is for you from Will."_

 _She took the box out of his hand. "What is it?"_

 _"It's not my place to say. He handed it to me as he was leaving tonight, and asked that I give it to you sometime before the ceremony tomorrow."_

 _She nodded, wondering what it could be._

 _"Now, unless you want some time alone, how about a few hands of cards before we go back inside?"_

 _"Gin?" she asked. They had discovered on a recent trip to visit Will's parents, that Alicia knew how to play gin rummy, a favorite of Will's father. Will didn't care much for the game, but it had been something she'd played with her own father and enjoyed."_

 _"Yes," he responded, pulling a deck of cards from his pocket._

 _"I'd like that," she said, moving back towards the chairs._

 _They talked and played the card game for another hour before Paul decided it was probably time he went back inside. Alicia was going to stay out a little bit longer._

 _He got up taking a few steps towards the door. "Alicia,"_

 _She turned and looked at him once again._

 _"I'm sorry your father can't be here. It may not be my place to say it, but I bet he would have loved to see you get married tomorrow."_

 _He went inside the building before she could say anything. She sat back in her chair, and reached for the box he'd given her on the table. She lifted the lid and read the note inside._

 _Leesh,_

 _I know how much you would have liked your father to be here for the wedding. I took this out of your jewelry box a few weeks ago hoping you wouldn't notice. I don't know if it will go with your dress or not. But I thought you might like to have something with you at the wedding to remind you of him. I might be wrong. Maybe it will just make it more difficult. Whatever you decide is fine. I hope you don't mind that I had it altered a bit._

 _I can't wait to be married to you! I love you with all my heart._

 _Will_

 _She lifted the simple silver bracelet from the box, recognizing immediately the tie clip that had been altered and incorporated into the band. Her father had worn the clip nearly every day he'd put on a tie, which had bad been most. His initials engraved on the front. She'd given it to him for his birthday one year when she was in college._

 _She did wear it the next day for the wedding. Later on during the reception after she and Will had danced the first dance together. She dragged him up to the microphone with her._

 _"For those of you who know me well, you know I made the decision to walk down the isle today by myself right after Will and I got engaged. My father had just passed away and I…" A few tears slid down her cheeks. Will squeezed her hand for support. "It didn't seem right to walk down the isle with anyone else. I know any number of the men in this room would have been more than willing, and I appreciate that. But the next obvious choice was Owen."_

 _Her gaze fell on her brother. "I love you, but there were too many ideas running around in my head of ways you could screw it up." Everyone laughed, including Owen._

 _Owen lifted the champagne glass in his hand. "She's right!" More chuckles came from the audience._

 _She looked down briefly to gather her thoughts. When she looked back up her eyes moved to Will's father. "I was also going to skip the father-daughter dance. It seemed irrelevant. But I've changed my mind."_

 _At the mention of this even Will looked at her in confusion. "My father may not be here, but there's another father who I've grown to respect that is here. Someone that I now consider family. Paul, thank you for raising such a wonderful son."_

 _Everyone had grown quiet. There were very few dry eyes left in the room, including Will's._

" _It would be a real honor if you'd share the next dance with me."_

 _Will's father nodded affirmatively and moved towards the front. She briefly glanced at Will who leaned in and gave her a kiss before she stepped away to dance with his father. –_

"It meant a lot to him that you'd asked him to dance with you," Will said, memories of that day flooding his mind.

She snuggled closer to him again, resting her hand on his chest. "I'm glad. It was some good advice he gave me the night before. He seems like a good man. Just like his son."

Will leaned over pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

* * *

A good portion of the next two days was spent going through things in the house, with a promise to the kids that their last couple of days would be spent doing things they'd enjoy more.

By the end of the second day of decluttering, Will had had about enough of his sisters. He'd been patient, held his temper, had been glad Sara's husband had been there to calm her down a few notches. But he was at the end of his rope.

Late in the evening they were going through a box of things that held little significance for his sisters, but very fond memories for him. He'd been very reasonable throughout the whole process, but everyone was tired, and somewhat emotionally drained. Sitting together in the family room he made one last point, and then stood to leave the room. "I can't do this anymore tonight. Do whatever the three of you want," he said, looking at his mother and two sisters before heading up the stairs..

The other adults in the room seemed surprised at his behavior, and looked towards Alicia for an explanation.

"What was that all about?" Sara asked.

"He's just tired. He's a little stressed right now, with work, and everything else." Alicia said, hoping they would understand.

"When is he not stressed over work?" Sara responded nonchalantly, almost as an after thought.

The comment irritated Alicia, but she wanted to go after Will.

"I'll go talk to him," his mother offered, getting up from the couch.

"No, thank you. I appreciate it, but I'll go check on him. He probably just wants to be alone for awhile." Alicia placed a gentle hand on his mother's shoulder so she'd sit again, giving her a little smile of reassurance.

When she got to the bedroom she found Will sitting on the bed lacing up his running shoes.

"You're going running at this hour? It's late, dark and very cold outside," she said, calmly.

He stood up and placed his arms around her waist. "I'll be fine. Will you be okay while I'm gone?"

She smiled up at him bringing her arms around his neck. She knew he'd be much better off if he ran off some steam. "Yes, I will be fine. Just be careful. I don't want to have to show up at some hospital with our insurance card because you slipped on some ice and broke your ankle."

He chuckled leaning closer to press a quick kiss to her lips. "I'll be careful. No broken bones, I promise." He pressed his body closer to hers. "I'll probably need a warm shower when I get back," he said running his finger softly under her chin down her neck stopping just above the collar of her v-neck sweater.

She reached for his hand leaning into his neck. "I might need a shower too," she whispered, her lips grazing his skin. "Once the kids and your mother have gone to bed." She kissed his cheek and pulled away.

"I'm feeling less stressed already," he said, with a seductive smile as he left the room.

An hour later he called her and said he'd gotten cold and stopped at a local place for a cup of coffee to warm up for a few minutes. She offered to go pick him up, but he said he could use a little more time alone. She knew he wasn't trying to avoid her, and thought the time alone was probably a good idea.

Sara and Aubrey had gone back home. They'd all spent the night at his mother's on Thanksgiving, but both only lived about thirty minutes away so had gone home to sleep in their own beds for the night.

She sent Zach and Grace to bed, and joined his mother in the kitchen to sort through a few things, and pack up a few more boxes.

She liked Will's mother. She was always calm, relaxed, and pulled together, very dissimilar to her own mother.

"How is Will?" she asked.

"He's fine. He just needed to be alone for awhile."

"I know dear. His sisters are a handful sometimes. But that's not what I mean. He's been distracted, preoccupied, since you got here. He's having a hard time with my decision to move isn't he?"

Alicia stopped what she was doing, and looked at her. "Yes. He understands, he supports your decision, but it's been hard on him."

"Because he misses his father?"

"Yes. The past year has been - difficult for him. I think he would have liked his Paul's opinion on a few things."

She nodded, closing up the box she had on the counter. "That's enough for tonight. Let's go sit in the other room."

The two women sat on the couch together. A photo of Will's parents with her and Will caught her attention.

"Alicia, I don't want to pry, but I'm worried about you two, your headaches, Will's behavior the past few days. The kids seem fine. But how are you two really?"

If anyone else had asked she would have brushed it off, but the past week even she'd been a little worried about Will. Maybe his mother would have something helpful to say.

She answered cautiously. "We are - good," she hesitated, shifting on the couch to get more comfortable. "Our relationship is fine. But I think Will blames himself for...my accident, and some of the things that went on before that. I've tried to tell him it wasn't his fault. I don't blame him, but…"

She looked down. "I can't imagine the burden this had been on him. He never complains about my memory loss, he never has. But I think it gets to him sometimes." She looked back up at the woman sitting next to her. "Who would blame him? No one. I'm just worried that it might become too much for him at some point, and everything will blow up in his face. I think what bothers him most is that he can't fix it. And that frustration added to the other stress in his life right now is weighing him down."

A few tears slipped from her eyes. This conversation had been unexpected. "I know he loves me. I love him. I fell in love with him all over again. But sometimes I wonder why he stuck around after my accident. Things weren't good between us then. He could have easily walked away, but he didn't. There are times where I don't feel worthy of that commitment. I'll never be able to repay him for everything he's done for me, the kids, and the firm in the past eight months. I don't know how to make things easier for him when he feels this way."

"I don't think you need to worry about it so much. All he needs, all he's ever needed for the past twenty years, is you. He only needs to know that you're there for him. That he has your full support. He relies on that support more than he probably shows. You may feel like your amnesia has been a burden on him. But I doubt he's ever viewed it that way. After watching you two the past few days, I doubt you need to do anything you aren't already doing. He's been frustrated with everyone in this house at some point since you got here, except for you. Have you told him what you just told me?"

"No, not in those exact words."

"It might help him to know exactly how you feel. There's uncertainty for both of you right now. He might like to know he isn't the only one who feels it."

Alicia nodded.

"And maybe you should ask him why he didn't just walk away after the accident. It's no surprise to me that he didn't even knowing a little bit of what did happen last year. But it might help you understand just how much he cares about you."

Alicia nodded. She knew Will cared about her. She knew he loved her. But she did feel a little guilty.

"I'll talk to him about his father. And while you're here why don't you two take advantage of having a grandmother who wouldn't mind spending some time alone with her grandchildren. Take advantage of the time off from work. One of these next few nights you should go out, and have a little fun. I know this great little place that Will's never been to. You could surprise him. And it would probably do both of you some good."

"Okay. That would be great. Thank you," Alicia said.

The sound of the front door opening put an end to their conversation. His mother went to bed shortly after Will returned.

Sometime later, after a hot lingering shower together, Will and Alicia were tangled together in bed. Needy and wanting they both fought for control. First him on top of her, his hands pressing hers firmly to the bed. His lips pressing to her skin heated enough to almost leave a mark. She briefly wondered if they had been outside in the snow that had begun to fall in that moment, if they would even notice the cold. He was making her crazy with desire, and went to enter her. But she wasn't ready for it to be over. Pressing a firm kiss to his lips, her hands held firm to his hips so he couldn't make his move.

"Leesh," he said, breathless and wanting, pulling his lips from hers. She held eye contact with him. Her hands moved to his chest, gently pushing him back, and eventually guiding him so she was on top. It was her turn to play with him. It didn't last long. His lips pressed to hers again, his hand on her breast, and the feel of his length near her core. She'd try harder to outlast him another day, she thought, as she slid onto him and they both fell over the edge together.

Not long after they lay together beneath the warm bed coverings. Her head resting softly on his chest, an arm wrapped around his middle. His fingers ran smoothly through her hair. He liked this, the quiet nearness after they made love. It was only in these quiet moments these days where everything seemed right, a brief respite from the emotional storm that was waging war in him.

She wanted to talk to him about her conversation with his mother. But it was late and they were both tired. Snuggled together they drifted off to sleep, unaware that some of the memories she'd gain back the coming days would be harder to handle than they ever would have imagined.

 **A/N; Thank you all for reading. A big thank you to those of you who have continued to review! I really appreciate the feedback.**


	41. Reliving a Memory

Sundays at the Gardner household were something Alicia had come to appreciate. It wasn't very often they had plans unless they took the kids somewhere for the afternoon, or went over to Diane and Kurt's for the evening. Sometimes Owen would show up in the late afternoon and stay for dinner. In the past few months if Will had work to do, he'd shut himself up in the den for a few hours instead of going into the office, unless it was absolutely necessary.

This Sunday was no different. They'd been home from Will's mother's for a few days, and the stormy, bitter cold Chicago winter was beginning to show it's ugly face. Alicia was glad they didn't need to leave the house. The skies were dark, gray, and stormy. The Monday commute would be a mess if the snow kept up.

From the day she found out she needed to retake the bar exam she hadn't wasted any time, studying three to five hours a day at work along with holding onto a small case load. The real work experience was very beneficial. Many nights she'd put in more study time after the kids went to bed. These late nights and a few hours set aside on weekends turned out to be the best time for her to get Will's help with some of the more difficult material.

She had been the one to spend the afternoon in the den, but was nearly finished studying for the day. She looked up from the desk through the French doors out into the family room. She smiled, laughing to herself. Will was playing a video game with the kids. It was one of those games with multiple sports. They'd been competing against each other for a few hours. Will had just been bumped from first to third place in the simulated basketball free throw competition. Zach and Grace were high-fiving each other, giving Will a hard time since he'd been ahead of them most of the afternoon.

Alicia closed her books and went to join them. "I think it might be time to turn that off for awhile," she said, sitting on the end of the couch. She expected the two kids to object, but had to try hard to keep a straight face when Will was the one who objected most and insisted on one more round.

He was competitive and didn't like to lose, she knew it. But watching him do his best to keep his cool, even against the kids when he lost again, made her roll her eyes. She laughed out loud from the look he gave her when she pried the game controller out of his hand.

Later in the evening she watched and listened, taking him in. He was a good man. He was a good father, the way he interacted with Grace and Zach. Just minutes before he'd finished helping Grace with her math homework. Now he was behind the bar in the kitchen scooping ice cream onto some pie for the kids, discussing the current NBA basketball season with Zach.

He caught her staring at him and got a funny confused look in his eye when he glanced over at her. "Are you sure don't want some?" he asked, holding up the ice-cream scoop.

"Yes, I'm sure. It's too cold for ice cream tonight," she said, pulling her cardigan more tightly around her.

"Okay," he said, turning his attention back to the kids.

Later that night her mind had wandered again. "Leesh," he said, climbing back into bed after going to brush his teeth. He settled next to her wrapping an arm over her stomach. She was staring up at the ceiling, and had barely acknowledged him climbing back into bed with her.

"You're going to get cold if you don't put some clothes on," he breathed, pressing his lips to her neck. "I certainly don't mind if you sleep naked, but..."

The comment brought her out of her thoughts, and she giggled turning to look at him. "I'll put something on in a minute."

"You okay? You've seemed distracted today."

"I'm fine. I've been thinking about those memories of the kids that came back." The previous few days she'd had some memories return of the kids when they were little. "The memories seemed just like it was today, everyone happy, the four of us together."

She moved closer wrapping her arm around him. "You're a really good father to Grace and Zach."

He leaned in pressing his forehead to hers with a gentle smile. "And you're a really great mom," he said, softly.

"Were you scared when we found out I was pregnant with Zach? I was terrified after the accident when I realized I had two kids," she admitted. "I didn't have any idea how to be a mom."

"I was nervous, and probably a little bit scared. We'd talked about getting pregnant, decided to start trying, but I don't think either of us was quite prepared for how quickly it happened." His hand moved gently to her bare stomach. "It was pretty surreal to know there was another human growing in there."

The look on his face, the way he touched her, the way his eyes lingered on her stomach, brought on a brief flash of memory. "You used to talk to them didn't you?" she said, her hand covering his. "When they were growing in there?"

He smiled, keeping his gaze on their hands. "Yes, sometimes. But I liked to put my hand here at night and wait for them move around so that I could feel it." He shook his head. "You wait all those months for them to be born. You imagine in your mind what they'll look like. Hope they get all of your wife's good looks, and aren't stuck with all your bad ones. But then the day comes, usually unexpectedly. I was scared stiff the day Zach was born, and yet at the same time it was one of the most exciting things I'd ever been through."

His eyes met hers again. "If you ever want to humble a man, put him in a room with the woman he loves. Force him to watch her go through labor, and when it's over place a newborn in his arms. That can change a man forever."

"Did it change you?"

"Yeah, it did in some ways."

She nodded, and leaned in to kiss his lips before climbing out of bed to find her pajamas.

During the night she had a dream, or rather remembered some more things from the past. She dreamt about the ultrasound when she was pregnant with Zach, and finding out they were having a boy. In her dream Will had been beside himself with joy. The thought occurred to her that she hadn't really cared what the sex of the baby was going to be, but once they'd found out it was a boy she was happy because it had clearly made Will happy.

The other memories were of a similar theme, all recollections of times when she'd been pregnant. If she had to guess they'd all been memories of being pregnant with Zach, but it was hard to know. When she woke in the morning she couldn't remember all of the details. She told Will about it anyway while they got dressed for work and the kids off to school.

The city had been covered in a blanket of snow during the night, but had stopped, by the time they headed into work.

In the middle of the afternoon Alicia was in her office buried in bar prep material. Will and Diane were working on a case together in his office.

Alicia decided to take a break. "I'm going to run across the street and grab some coffee. I can barely keep my eyes open reading some of this," she said, just inside Will's office pulling on her coat. "Can I get either of you anything?"

Will got up from his desk and moved towards her. "No, but we could probably use a break for a few minutes. Do you want me to come with you?"

She smiled, closing the distance between them, taking his hand. "No, thank you. I might stay there for a half hour or so and clear my head."

"Okay," he said, leaning in to press a quick kiss to her cheek.

"See you in awhile," she said, squeezing his hand before turning to leave.

The coffee shop was fairly quiet in the middle of the afternoon. She sat at a table near the large windows at the front of the shop watching the people outside before turning her attention to some simple tasks that needed to get done; writing a grocery list for the week, setting up an appointment for Zach, and calendaring some other items for the coming month and holiday season.

Some time later, she glanced down at her watch and was surprised to see she'd spent nearly forty minutes there. She stood to pull on her coat, her attention caught by a mother and her daughter who looked to be six or seven years old just outside.

As she turned to grab her purse there was a loud crashing sound that came from outside. Louder than anything she could remember hearing before. Fear swept over her as she turned toward the sound.

She wasn't certain how she'd ended up on the floor just moments later with shattered glass all around her. It could have been from the impact of the large window shattering, or from ducking out of instinct to try and protect herself. Everything in the next few minutes happened quickly, yet seemed to play out in slow motion through her mind, causing a dull sense of shock to set in.

There was a brief moment of quiet before noise and chaos broke out all around her. She moved her hand she'd used to protect her eyes to see what had happened, unaware of the scrapes on her knees that had torn her nylons, and the larger wound on the palm of her hand that had begun to bleed when she lifted it off the floor to stand.

She was distracted by the young girl from outside who was now laying on the cold hard floor amongst the glass. She was crying, screaming, or maybe it was the mother who was in hysterics rushing towards her daughter. Someone else who had been sitting near the window looked like they were hurt. Just outside the coffee shop looked like a complete train wreck.

Alicia inhaled, instinctively moving towards the small girl to see if she could help, pieces of glass falling from her coat to the floor. There were people all around gasping, pulling their phones out to call for help.

"Mom!" The young girl was crying, writhing in pain.

"Somebody help!" the mother yelled, tears streaming down her face.

Alicia knelt down grabbing some napkins that had been blown to the floor to press to one of the girl's wounds.

At the sight of all the blood she felt sick. It seemed to be everywhere. Suddenly, everything around her faded into the background. She was caught completely off guard by the emotions and images that began flashing through her mind.

She gasped, inhaling deeply and pulled her hand from the girl. She couldn't do this, the sight of blood on her hands, and the smell around her caused panic, pain, and fear to wash over her like she'd not known before.

She didn't understand what was happening. She reached for her stomach that in her mind was in pain, and appeared to be three times larger than it should. The pain was excruciating. She clenched her eyes shut in an attempt to get the flashes of memory to go away, but it didn't help only growing worse. She felt dizzy as flashes of Diane and Kalinda at her side telling her to hold on, and that she'd be okay, rushed through her mind.

A few moments later, someone touched her arm. She inhaled, her eyes flew open. "Hey, you okay?" a man in a suit asked, kneeling in front of her. "It looks like you may have been cut by some glass on your hand. Are you hurt anywhere else?" he asked, brushing a few other fragments of glass from the back of her coat.

She blinked her eyes, her breathing had quickened. Her heart was racing. She needed to get out of there, unable to gain a sense of control over the images in her mind.

The man reached his hand to hers, and pressed a handkerchief to it. The act only caused her to panic more. She pulled her hand from his grasp replacing her other over the handkerchief. A wave of adrenaline kicked in. She stood and fled the building so quickly it caught the man trying to help her completely by surprise. By the time he ran out of the building to follow after her she'd run around the side of the building and down the alley out of sight.

She kept a quick pace, the sound of the sirens getting closer. She felt like her lungs were giving in gasping for air. She was still unclear as to what the images were streaming through her mind. What ever it was caused a heavy cloud of anxiety to come over her.

The noise of the sirens was becoming unbearable. She came to another alley and ducked to hide beside a dumpster. Breathing heavily, she pressed her back hard against the brick wall sobbing uncontrollably assaulted by the images in her mind.

A few minutes later, once she'd gained back some control, she removed the handkerchief from her hand that was now hurting. She could barely look at it without her stomach turning, only long enough to determine the bleeding had slowed for the most part. She pressed the handkerchief back down to cover it up.

The next image that flashed through her mind was of her lying on a stretcher in an ambulance looking at Will who was telling her to hang on. The look in his eyes was fear.

"The baby," she gasped, out loud. And then she understand what it was she was seeing - bits and pieces of the trauma from Kate's birth. It was almost as if she was living it again, or in her case for the first time. Her gaze fell on her stomach, and her blood stained hands. She quickly buttoned her coat to cover up the few spots of blood on her clothes. She reached into her purse for her gloves.

If she'd been in a better frame of mind she probably would have called Will. Instead, cold and shaking, she began to walk. Images of that day six years prior continuing to assault her mind, becoming clearer with each passing second. In that moment she didn't care where she was going, only that she get as far away as possible from the accident scene.

/

Will and Diane had been back at it for about half hour when Kalinda entered his office, and handed him a file on the case they were all working on. Her eyes fell on the large windows just behind them.

"Did you notice the commotion across the street?" she asked. "You have a good view of it from here."

Will wasn't paying much attention thumbing through the file she'd just handed him. "A car spun out on some ice and hit a parking meter. It came loose, and hit a girl smashing her into the window of the coffee shop. Several people were hurt."

At the mention of the coffee shop, and injured people, Will's heart began to race. He looked up at her then stood to take in the same view.

He turned around and raced out of his office. "Did Alicia come back yet?" he asked her assistant, rushing past her into Alicia's office.

"No, not yet," she called after him.

He went pale as he pulled out his phone to call her. Diane and Kalinda watched anxiously as he held it to his ear.

"She's not answering," he said, panicked, turning towards the hall to go to the elevator.

Diane followed after him. "Kalinda, grab our coats."

There was police tape surrounding the whole area. Numerous people were watching emergency responders contain and begin to clean up the accident scene. Will, Diane, and Kalinda all scanned the area for any sign of Alicia. Will tried to call her over and over, but each time only got her voicemail.

Kalinda knew one of the officers, and was able to get them past the line of security just as an ambulance pulled away.

Getting any helpful information was difficult. There had been a few injuries, but most of those people had been treated by the paramedics or sent to the hospital. No one could confirm or deny whether one of those people had been a dark haired middle aged woman.

Will felt sick. This couldn't be happening again, not to Alicia, not to them, he thought.

"I have to go to the hospital," he said. "It's the only way to find out if she was hurt or not." He ran his hands over his face doing his best to stay under control. He felt like he was shattering into a million pieces.

Kalinda went back to the office to see if Alicia had shown up there, and Diane drove she and Will to the hospital. By the time they were able to determine Alicia hadn't been among the people brought in, it had been over an hour since the accident.

Will tried to call her again. "I don't understand why she wouldn't answer if she isn't hurt."

"Maybe her phone is on silent, and she decided to run some errands," Diane said, in an attempt to make both of them feel better.

"She couldn't have done much. We drove into work together and the car's still sitting in the office garage." He ran a hand through his hair. _"Leesh, where are you?"_ he whispered under his breath, worry and anxiety growing within him every passing minute.

/

In her daze, Alicia had wandered into a part of town she wasn't familiar with, eventually coming to a small park. Still feeling slightly anxious and emotionally drained, she brushed the snow off a bench and sat to see if she could catch her bearings.

If her head hadn't been pounding, and her mind consumed with overwhelming emotional turmoil of the things that had been playing over and over in her mind, she probably could have managed to get back to the office. But she was cold, emotionally exhausted, and the cuts on her knees and hand were starting to bother her.

She took in a few deep breaths glancing at her watch and was surprised at the time. It was nearly four in the afternoon. She'd left the office to get coffee nearly two hours prior. "Hopefully they didn't need me," she said, under her breath, digging through her purse for her phone.

Headed back from the hospital, Will answered immediately. "Alicia, are you okay? Where are you?" he said, trying not to sound too panicked or frustrated.

"Will," her voice cracked, unable to hold her emotions in. "There was an accident. And I...panicked. I'm exhausted. Can you come get me?" She was gasping for air again, which only concerned Will more.

"Alicia, are you hurt?" He didn't understand what was going on, or why she hadn't called him sooner. He worried that she had been hurt, had fled the scene, and gone into some sort of shock.

"Just a few cuts." She put her hand to her forehead. "Will, please I need you to come get me. My head..."

"Leesh, it's going to be okay. I'll come. Where are you?"

"I don't know exactly, a park somewhere." She felt ridiculous for even asking him to come get her. But her mind was in a fog.

He told her to turn on the locater app on her phone so he could find her.

"Okay, just stay there. I'm coming, but it's going to take fifteen minutes," he said, once he'd pinned her location.

"Will, hurry," she begged, in almost a whisper before hanging up.

As soon as he saw her and the disheveled state she was in he picked up his pace moving towards her, with Diane right at his heels.

"Alicia," he called.

When he reached her she collapsed into his arms, burying her face against his shoulder, tears streaming down her cheeks again, holding onto him as tightly as she could.

He held her trembling body close. "It's okay," he said, soothingly. "Tell me what happened."

She looked up at him. "I don't know exactly. I got up from my table at the coffee shop to go back to work and the window...shattered, and..." She gasped for air again.

Her gaze moved behind him to the dark clouds and tall apartment buildings behind them. "There was so much blood," she said, flatly. "And the baby." She inhaled deeply, her hand moved to cover her mouth.

Will's hand moved smoothly over her back. "Leesh, they think the little girl is going to be okay. Are you sure you aren't hurt?" He could now see a small cut near the top of her forehead.

She glanced down at her hands, and stepped away from him. "No, not the girl in the accident," she said, calmly, the look in her eyes going blank. "Kate. That's why I couldn't stay there."

No one said anything for a moment. Diane was thoroughly confused. And then Will figured it out.

"You remembered what happened to Kate?"

She nodded. "Yes"

A lump was forming in his throat. From the looks of her this must have been one of those memories that had come back not just as a memory, but one that had seemed very real. He couldn't even imagine what that must be like for her. And the awful reality that she remembered it now as though it had just happened was almost too overwhelming. He wondered just how intense those memories had been for her, and wished he'd decided to go with her to get coffee so he could have been there when it happened.

"Leesh," he said, gently, reaching for her again.

She didn't want to talk about it, not in front of Diane. "Will, I just want to go home."

He nodded putting his arm tightly around her. All he wanted to do was hold her close and take away the pain.

Diane still didn't understand fully what had happened, but offered to take them home. From the looks of it she thought it would be better for Will to be able to sit with Alicia for the drive.

Will called the nanny on the way home and told her take the kids somewhere for a few hours. He didn't want them seeing Alicia like this. They'd only worry, and until he knew exactly what had happened he wouldn't know how to explain it to them.

Once inside the house he took off his coat and hung it in the front closet and turned around to face her. She pulled off her gloves, the blood stained handkerchief fell to the floor, but she paid no attention reaching for the scarf around her neck.

He was immediately concerned when he saw the handkerchief and the palm of her hand. "How did you get this?" he asked, moving next to her to inspect the wound.

"A piece of glass I think," she responded, not paying it much attention. The minor pain it was causing seemed small compared to everything else.

Her seemingly non concerned attitude worried him. The wound wasn't small. It had stopped bleeding, but he wouldn't be convinced it didn't need stitches until it was cleaned up. "Are you hurt anywhere else?" he asked.

Her gaze fell on her hands again. At the sight of dried blood a wave of anxiety washed over her again. Some of the images from earlier rushed through her mind. She gasped, grabbing onto Will for support with her uninjured hand. Her stomach was in knots again. She tightened her grasp on him clenching her eyes shut.

"Alicia, what's going on?" She looked like she was in pain.

She inhaled as tears flooded from her eyes. "I keep seeing it. I can't make it stop," she said, desperately, turning to bury her head against him again. "She died Will," she sobbed. "I couldn't stop the bleeding."

This was torture for him. The devastating heartbroken pain in her was as bad as it had been the day Kate had died.

A few moments later she looked up into his eyes. "Why couldn't they save her? Why didn't the paramedics get there sooner?" She was trembling, her body emotionally broken.

Unable to hold in his own emotions, a few tears fell from his eyes. "It wasn't your fault Alicia. They did everything they could to save her. But the abruption was too severe. Nothing you did or didn't do would have saved her." He felt like his heart was breaking all over again.

There wasn't anything he could do but hold her. And that's what he did for the next few minutes as she cried, doing his best to soothe her.

Once the tears had slowed, she felt numb. Her head was still throbbing in pain. All she wanted to do was sleep. Will hung up her coat, and carried her up the stairs, her arms wrapped around his neck.

Once in their room he set her gently on the bed. "You should take a shower. It will help you warm up. I'll get the water running for you."

She didn't say anything slipping off her shoes.

"After you shower, I'll bandage your hand," he said, when she entered the bathroom.

She nodded, staring at him, her eyes filled with sorrow. She looked empty, like the life had been sucked right out of her, and that's what scared him the most. He moved close to her again, reaching his hand to her cheek. "It's going to be okay. I can stay here while you shower, or go downstairs and make you something hot to drink. Whatever you want."

"Something to drink would be good. Thank you." She pulled out of his grasp and stepped into the shower.

A feeling of dread had come over him. If her reaction to remembering the events of Kate's death had been so severe, what would happen now? In the past few hours she'd all but relived the horror from that day. His biggest concern was that the depression might come back.

He called Dr. Benson and told him what had happened. They'd already had an appointment scheduled with him in two more days. He told Will to make sure Alicia knew she had Will's support, and to try and get her to talk about it over the next few days. That holding it all inside wouldn't do either of them any good. If she seemed to get worse before their appointment then he should call.

"Will, how are you handling it?" the doctor asked.

Will sighed heavily. "I haven't had enough time to process it yet. I hate seeing her like this, and feeling powerless. When does it end? When do we just get to live and breathe again? I want to be here for her. I'm just so emotionally exhausted." He was in the kitchen staring out the French doors to the backyard, the sky growing dark.

"Will, its okay to feel this way. It's okay to be tired of it all. I know you'll do everything you can for Alicia, but don't forget to take care of yourself. It's important for her to know how you're feeling to."

"Yeah, okay. I need to go. We'll see you in a few days." He sighed heavily after hanging up.

When he got back upstairs he bandaged her hand. "We need to get this looked at tomorrow. It might need stitches," he said, kissing her forehead, and then handing her the hot mug he'd brought up.

"Is there any alcohol in this?" she said, tiredly, her lips forming a little smile.

"No," he chuckled, grateful for the humor, and the color that had returned to her cheeks.

It turned out that he didn't need to do much prodding to get her to talk. Curled up beneath a blanket sitting next to him on the bed, she told him everything that had happened, at least as far as she could recall.

"Leesh, I'm sorry you had to go through that all by yourself."

"It's okay. It was just so scary. It's never been like that before. And now I just...I can't...it hurts so much, and I don't even remember being pregnant with her." She shook her head. "Unless you count that one memory I had in the park months ago." She took another sip of her drink.

"You know how you told me all those months ago you wanted to always know how I was feeling, the good and the bad?"

He nodded remembering the day not long after her accident when he'd found out she'd been depressed, and had gone to the hospital to talk to her afterwards.

"Well, I am not okay today. After I showered I went down the hall to get my pants from the laundry room. I glanced into the guest room and...All I could see was the nursery. The crib, the rocking chair, the lamp on the dresser with the little butterflies on it, and my heart just ached. I feel sad and empty, and… How de we get through this? I think about it and I can barely breathe."

"I know, and I understand. That's how it is in the beginning." He pulled her closer. "But it does get easier," he said, encouragingly. "This, you remembering again, it's brought all those emotions back to the surface for me to."

"I'm sorry. I never meant for," she felt awful. She didn't want to hurt him, make him feel the same way she did.

"No, it's not your fault," he cut her off. "The important thing is that we keep talking, and work through it together. I do want to know how you're feeling."

"Okay, but you have to promise me you'll do the same. You're always the strong one. You always seem to be the one rescuing me. But you don't always have to be the strong one."

His lips curved a little at the edges. "I don't feel very strong right now. I'm just glad I have you. And I do think everything will be okay."

She didn't look completely convinced about his last statement. "I'm tired. I'm going to try to rest for awhile," she said.

"Okay. I'm going to stay here with you for awhile."

She settled more comfortably against him. "Thank you for taking such good care of me today."

He leaned over and kissed the top of her head. "You're welcome."


	42. Chapter 42

**A/N; Thank you so much to those of you who took the time to review the last chapter. I do really appreciate the feedback.**

Alicia had finally fallen to sleep a few hours earlier after another emotionally draining day. But her mind seemed determined to make it impossible for her to rest peacefully, or sleep through night. The memories she'd gained back the previous day came crashing through her mind again in her dreams.

 _\- "Will, the baby, is she okay?" she asked, groggily just waking up in the hospital hours after they'd rushed her into surgery._

 _He held her hand tightly. Tears streamed down his cheeks. "No, they couldn't save her." -_

She woke with a start, gasping for air, tears streaming down her face. She felt sick.

"Leesh, what's wrong?" Will said, waking up from the sudden noise and movement next to him.

She hurried out of bed, rushing for the bathroom. Wide awake now, Will followed after her. Just moments later she sunk to the cold tiled floor next to the toilet, tears still falling down her cheeks.

Will handed her a warm washcloth, sliding to the floor next to her. She looked pale, and sad, and exhausted, and it broke his heart. She was trying, and had been all day, to push through the deep dark gloom that was attempting to take a hold of her. He wrapped his arm around her as she rested her head on his shoulder.

The previous day she hadn't gotten back out of bed once they'd come home after he'd found her in the park and she'd told him about getting her memories of Kate back. After she'd rested, she'd laid in bed awake staring at the window. This mood haunted Will. He'd seen it before. He still didn't know how she could lay there so still for so long as though there was nothing else around her, and stare at nothing really.

Morning had come and he'd been worried she'd just want to stay in bed. She had wanted to, desperately, she told him so, but had willed her way out of bed anyway with his help. Fighting off the strong urge to close herself off, and mourn the loss of her baby, that for her felt like it had happened yesterday, she made the kids lunches, and had them tell her about school the previous day over breakfast.

When she and Will were ready to leave for work she'd paused at the door, leaning against it for support. She already felt exhausted and it was only eight-thirty in the morning. "I don't know if I can do this today," she admitted. "I think about it and I just want to cry."

Will was glad she wasn't holding her feelings in. At least he knew how she felt. This was a good sign, even if she was clearly struggling. "Let's go get your hand looked at, and if you decide you really can't go into work I'll bring you home."

She needed three stitches. She couldn't watch them sew her up, or even bring herself to look at her hand until it was bandaged up again. That was the first time during the day when her stomach had turned sour from the onslaught of memories.

"I can take you home," he said, on their way out of the doctors office. He would if she wanted to, even though he was hesitant to leave her alone.

"No. I have things I need to do at work." It took everything she had to say it. All she really wanted to do was go home, hide under a blanket and sleep. But somewhere deep inside her there was a little voice telling her not to give into the depressive urges.

Will left her in her office, and was joined by Diane seconds later entering his own.

"How is she today?" she asked, with concern. Will had called her the night before and explained to her more of what had happened.

He looked at her hesitantly. "I don't know," he said, slightly defeated. "She's struggling, I can tell. But she's trying to push through. It's only been one day. For her it seems like this happened yesterday, and she's still trying to figure it out. It's hard for her because of what she already knew. I don't think it's the baby's death that she's struggling with, but all the emotions, and pain that came with the memories. Practically experiencing it again has been really overwhelming for her. She's frustrated because she can feel the sense of loss, and depression that came over her when it happened, and she doesn't know how to deal with that. I'm just glad she's not pushing me away. She's being very open about the way she's feeling."

"That's good,"

"It is," he sighed, moving to sit at his desk.

"And how are you?" she asked, candidly.

"I don't know that I have a good answer for that. I'm worried about her. And as you can imagine this has brought up some of my old feelings too. I'll be fine. It's just hard to have it so fresh in my mind."

Diane nodded. "Let me know if there's anything you two need."

"I will. Thank you."

A few hours later Alicia came into his office to ask him a legal question. It took a few minutes for him to explain the answer. By the end she'd clearly lost her concentration, and gotten caught up in her own thoughts again.

"Leesh," he said, to get her attention again.

She slowly met his gaze. "Where is she buried?" she asked.

"Next to your father actually," he said, reaching across his desk to take her hand.

"I want to see it – today," she said, her sad hazel eyes looking into his.

"Okay. We'll leave work a little early, and I'll take you before it gets dark."

She nodded and stood to go back to her office. "How are you now?" he asked.

She turned back to look at him. "Not great. I'm having trouble concentrating. One moment I feel fine, the next I feel like I'm suffocating." She inhaled, tears suddenly close to the surface again. "I hate this, the tears coming out of nowhere."

He went to her wrapping her up in a hug. After a few minutes she looked up at him. "I forgot to tell you that yesterday while I was at the coffee shop I got a call from the disciplinary board chair. They've finally made a decision on the charges from last winter. We have a meeting with them on Friday."

He'd almost forgotten they were still deciding on a misconduct charge. _Great,_ he thought to himself. The last thing they needed this week was for that to go the wrong way.

"Okay," he said, running his hand over her back.

"What if they decide against me, and all this studying has been for nothing? What am I going to do Will?" she said, in frustration. He could feel her tense up again beneath his hands.

She felt dizzy, overcome with worry. She pulled from his grasp, and moved to the sofa. One hand on her stomach, she closed her eyes, trying to take in a few deep breaths. He was right at her side.

"Everything is spinning today. I don't know if I can do this, any of it," she breathed out.

He was beginning to question her decision about coming into work. He put his arm around her. "It's going to be okay. It's only been one day Leesh. Maybe I should take you home."

"No, just let me sit here for a few minutes to calm down." This was a struggle. Harder than physical therapy had ever been after her accident, but she was resolved to fight through it. It had come in waves all day. Likely in a few minutes she'd be fine again, and could get back to work.

A few hours later a cold air blew as she and Will made their way from the car to the gravesites. Will crouched down and brushed away the snow from Kate's headstone, and then moved a few feet to brush the snow away from Alicia's fathers.

She stood and looked at each one, deep in thought. Will put his arm around her again. "To have to bury your child, how do you even..." Her voice trailed off.

"It was one of the hardest things we've ever had to do," he said. "It took almost two weeks before you were well enough to leave the hospital so we could bury her. There was nothing we could have done to change that, but in ways waiting so long made it more difficult. People mean well, but you get tired of everyone saying how sorry they are. You and I stayed here alone for awhile after the service, partially because we couldn't bring ourselves to leave, but also to be away from everyone else for awhile. Finally a day or two after the funeral everyone starts to leave you alone. Don't get me wrong, it's no cake walk afterwards, but at least for me, I finally started feeling like I could breathe again. For a few days anyway, and then there were a few bad days. I suppose under normal circumstances that goes on for awhile, and you eventually learn to live with it. But then things got so bad for you - for both of us really."

They stood there together in silence for a few minutes. Finally she bent down in front of her father's headstone, and traced over the letters of his name with her finger. "Let's go home," she said, standing again, turning towards the car.

When they got home she went upstairs after talking with the kids for a few minutes, and took a long shower, allowing the tears to fall freely again.

By the end of the day she lay mentally exhausted in bed, Will's arm wrapped tightly around her. It took awhile to finally get to sleep, and now hours later they sat together on the cold tiled floor. "Do you think it will be a little easier tomorrow?" she asked, hoping the bouts of nausea and waves of emotional upheaval would be less severe.

"I don't know," he said honestly. "We'll take it one day at a time."

/

Not much more than twelve hours later, they sat in Dr. Benson's office, retelling him the events of the previous two days.

"I don't know what to do with all the emotions," Alicia said. "This has been awful. I don't want to fall back into a depressed state, but right now I feel like it's an uphill battle. I try to tell myself she died six years ago, that it's okay to cry about it, be sad about it, but the anxiety and depth of...I don't even know how to describe it, is overwhelming. There have been moments in the past two days where I feel fine, and the memories are just memories. We already dealt with it, we've moved on. I know that. But there have other times where I just feel completely empty like there is nothing around me that matters."

She met Dr. Benson's gaze, reaching for Will's hand. "Do you know how scary it is - to feel nothing? Or how hard it is to not remember carrying my child for nine months, but to feel like my heart has been ripped out when the memories of holding her limp body in my arms seem so real? There's a constant battle raging in my mind, the part that's trying to shut my body down, and the part that's trying to fight it off. The waves of anxiety and sadness like I've never known before, that come on so suddenly and strong, are making me physically ill."

Will hadn't taken his eyes off her the entire time. "That's one of my concerns. The physical toll this is taking on her body."

"I think we can do a few things to help with that," Dr. Benson said. He asked some more questions about the memories that had returned and some of her reactions to it to better gage what needed to happen in the following days and weeks. "One thing you both need to keep in mind is that it's okay and perfectly normal for Alicia to feel this way. Just because it happened six years ago, and everyone's moved on, doesn't mean you aren't justified in feeling the same way now. For Alicia to feel like this happened two days ago is very real and legitimate. It's healthy to talk about it, and you should."

Alicia continued a few minutes later. "Will and I have been doing so well. We've come so far. I don't want to put him or the kids through the depression again. It nearly ruined our marriage a year ago."

Her eyes met Will's. "I'm so sorry. I've been a complete mess these past few days, and this can't be easy for you, me bringing everything up all over again." In that moment she felt like she understood better the depth and amount of love he must have for her. To have stayed by her side through everything over the years was nothing but selfless love. A few tears fell from her eyes. She wiped at them with the back of her hand.

Will handed her a tissue, then put his arm around her. "Leesh, it's okay. Yes, this is hard for me to be reminded of what it was like when Kate died. But the more difficult part of all of this is watching you suffer through it, and me wanting to fix it, but knowing there isn't a thing I can do about the memories."

He looked back at Dr. Benson. "So what do we do? We're both worried she'll slip back into the depression. How do we prevent that? Can we prevent it? And what do we do about all the old hurt that's risen to the surface again?"

Dr. Benson smiled, but remained serious. "Like I mentioned before, you're already doing some of the things you need to - talking about it. Being open and honest with one another, and telling each other how you're feeling needs to continue. She may go through the grief process again, and Will, I think it's fair to say that you won't be completely immune to it. My guess is that you're both going to have some bad days in the coming weeks. But knowing you can count on the other for support on those days will make it much easier."

He looked at Alicia. "I am worried that the events that have taken place in the past few days are making you feel depressed, and bringing on the anxiety. If you hadn't dealt with severe depression in the past, I'd say we should just monitor things, and see how it plays out. But under the circumstances, and since you are so susceptible to depression I think it's a good idea for you to go back on some medication for a month or two until you've had time to process and deal with these traumatic memories."

Both Will and the doctor waited a second for her objection. They both knew how much she'd hated the idea in the past. She still did hate the idea, but to their surprise she just nodded her head and agreed.

"You've both mentioned in the past about reading through Alicia's journals. if you haven't already, I think it would be a good idea for you to read through whatever she wrote during the pregnancy with Kate, and after. I think it would be helpful for Alicia, for both of you, to know how she was feeling during that time, and how she dealt with it, good and bad."

They talked awhile longer. Dr. Benson told Alicia about a few breathing exercises she could do when she had bouts of anxiety. Then he took a few minutes to discuss how Will was handling all of this. Dr. Benson hadn't forgotten his admittance of emotional exhaustion on the phone a few nights prior.

"This is hard on both of you, all of it, not just the things that have taken place in the past few days. Will it's important for you to find a way to relieve some of that built up emotional stress, just like Alicia. Make a point to play in your weekly basketball games, or find something else to do in it's place. I know I've said this before, and I know you try to do your best with it, but you two need to continue to make an effort to have a date night as often as you can. Weekly would be best. It's important for you to do things to take your minds off all the stress, and emotional roller coaster you're on right now."

He looked from one to the other, and then continued. "This has been a bump in the road, a big bump. But I think you two will come out of it on top. Will asked me the other night when you two would catch a break, when you'd be able to just get back to life. You've been dealt a bad hand, but one day I think you'll look back on the past year and be amazed at a few things. That you made it through it, that you made it through it together with your marriage still intact and I think you'll be surprised at how much you've both learned and grown from the experience."

They left Dr. Benson's office awhile later. Along with the medication to treat Alicia's depression, he'd also prescribed some sleeping pills to take for a few weeks. He felt that she'd be able to better cope with everything if she was able to get enough sleep at night.

Later that night she and Will sat together on the couch in front of a warm fire. She'd been trying to read a book, but found it hard to concentrate. He'd been flipping through some case notes, but set them aside.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, turning his full attention to her. He'd noticed that she hadn't turned a page in nearly ten minutes.

She set the book down. "A few things. The kids, Kate, the meeting with the disciplinary board on Friday..." She grew quiet again for a few moments, and then looked him right in the eye. "And you."

"Me?" he questioned.

"Yes, you," she smiled shyly. "I got to thinking today while we were at Dr. Benson's about everything we've been through together, and how the only way you would have stuck with me through all of it was if you loved me more than I could even imagine. I mean let's face it, most of the difficult things we've had to go through have been about me falling apart, me getting depressed, me losing my memory, and you having to pick up the pieces. You having to deal with my moods, and medical crises, and the kids, and the firm while I try to pull myself back together."

He shifted closer to her, tangling his warm hand with hers. "I do love you probably more than you can imagine. It's more than even I can imagine sometimes."

She looked away from him. "I love you too, and that love for you seems to grow more every day. It's just that sometimes I feel so guilty about it all, and I wonder if I'm keeping you from doing things you'd really like to do. I don't want you to live half the life you want to because of me. I wouldn't have made it through the past nine months without you. I still don't fully understand why you stuck with me after the accident. You had an easy out with my memory loss. No one would have blamed you when they found out we were having troubles anyway. I'm just so sorry for how difficult all of this has probably been for you."

She built up the courage to look at him again. "I can never make up for everything you've done for me, for us. I just want you to know that I don't take it for granted. That I appreciate it more than I could ever express."

A sad little smile crossed his lips. He'd spent so much time in the past months worrying about her not loving him, or her being angry at him for what had happened before the accident, that it hadn't occurred to him that she'd had similar thoughts and doubts.

"Leesh, I don't want you to ever feel guilty about any of that. Our relationship isn't about who has done more for the other. I've never looked at it like that. It may not seem like it to you, but you've done just as much for me during those times, and at others, as I've done for you."

"But,"

"No, listen to me. There is no but. I'm living the life I want to be living. I don't want to be doing anything else. I don't want to be married, or have a relationship with any other woman. This life we've built together, while a little crazy at times, is better than anything I could have imagined when we were in college. You don't hold me back. You push me to do better. You make me a better person."

"And that's why you didn't walk away, because you love me?"

He sighed. "Yes, but there's more to it than that. I was really hurt during those months when I thought you'd cheated on me because I couldn't imagine wanting to be with anyone but you. And the idea that maybe you did want to be with someone else felt like I'd been stabbed right through the heart. And then last January you went to visit Julia for a few days, and I missed you. We had been arguing so much, and I felt like we had become so distant from one another even though we were still spending hours a day at work and at home together, that honestly I thought you leaving for a few days would give both of us a break. But I realized I didn't like being in the house without you. I missed having you around even if we weren't getting along. So I tried to change some of my behavior in the following weeks."

"But I didn't care, or I didn't notice?" she questioned.

"I didn't think so at the time. The two weeks before the accident things seemed to get even worse. I was furious the night you left. But after your accident I found out about the depression, and Julia told me you had noticed I'd been trying, but the depression had gotten so bad you didn't know how to pull yourself back out of the hole you'd dug."

He paused to gather his thoughts, and looked away from her. "I'm not proud of it now, but when I found out you had amnesia, that you couldn't remember anything really, I did briefly consider a divorce."

Her eyes grew wide at the revelation. "Really?"

"Yes, and I did a lot of soul searching during those first few weeks." He looked back into her eyes, and put his arm around her. "But as angry as I had been with you, deep down I knew I still loved you. And I knew I didn't want to spend the rest of my life without you. No mater what that looked like at the time. If you never got any of your memory back, I still wanted you. I wanted a second chance for us to be happy and madly in love again. After all these years of being together, having you in my life has become like breathing. I'm going to make mistakes, I already have. We won't spend the rest of our lives without another argument or disagreement. But I don't want to go through all of life's up's and down's with anyone else. I didn't know you were having some of the same thoughts as I was. There's been more than one instance in the past nine months where I've been terrified that you wouldn't fall back in love with me. Or that after you remembered, or found out about all of our issues you'd be angry, and decide it wasn't worth it."

She smiled and cupped his face with her hands. "I'm not going anywhere." A few tears slipped from her eyes. "I love you so much. I can't even imagine loving you more, but I know I will. Thank you for telling me all of that. It means a lot to me. I feel like the luckiest woman on earth because of you. I want to go through all of life's up's and down's with you to. I'm just glad to know you want the same."

Her hands moved to his shoulders, he leaned in and pressed his forehead to hers. "I do want the same. I love you," he said, softly.

Her tears continued to fall. "Can I tell you something?"

"Anything," he said, pulling back a bit, brushing the loose strands of hair away from her face.

"You make me feel loved, and that makes me happy. But Will, I'm really hurting right now. I feel like my heart is going to shatter into a thousand pieces."

He understood completely the depth of sadness she felt. He'd been there before, they both had after Kate died. He wrapped her into a hug. "I know, and it's going to be okay, I promise. Just don't keep any of it from me. I can't help if I don't know what you're thinking. Is there anything I can do for you right now?" he asked.

"Just hold me." She curled up against him into his warm embrace, until the tears finally slowed.

They stayed there for awhile cuddled together in front of the warm glow of the fire. Will knew the coming weeks might be difficult. But for the first time in three days he felt like they may finally have the upper hand.


	43. Chapter 43

Will and Alicia sat nervously in front of the disciplinary board. "After careful review of Alicia's cases from the time in question, we haven't found anything that would constitute further investigation, or reason to pursue any disciplinary charges. All of the work she did during the months of January and February of this year fell well within legal and ethical guidelines."

Both Will and Alicia let out huge sighs of relief. Will reached over and squeezed her hand. _One less thing we have to worry about now_ , he thought to himself.

As they left the courthouse they were stopped by one of the board members. He was an attorney Will respected and knew fairly well.

"Listen," he said. "Off the books, and as your friend, I think you two should know that these charges should have never been brought against Alicia. There wasn't a single thing in those files to even question. Because of the anonymous tip we received about your depression, and the fact that the psychologist could back it up, we pursued the case. But you may want to keep an eye out for other attorneys in your firm, aside from David Lee, who might have an axe to grind. In my opinion, this was personal and clearly meant as an attempt to hurt Alicia directly."

He looked at her. "Now that you've won, that person may find another way to accomplish whatever it is they're after."

Both Alicia and Will considered this in their own minds.

"Okay, we'll take it under advisement," Will said. They chatted for another minute, and then parted ways.

"What do you think?" Alicia asked, as they walked towards their car.

"I don't know. I mean it's possible that someone other than David is angry. It would explain the anonymous tip. But I can't figure out who or the reason for it."

"Should we be worried?"

He sighed. "I think we make sure we pay attention to what's going on around the firm, listen to any complaints we get. There's no need to worry about something that we don't even know exists."

"Okay, a plan. Good," she said.

Later that afternoon Alicia looked up from her work out to her assistant's desk. Brian happened to be standing there talking to Diane.

Alicia briefly wondered if it was possible that he had been the one to send the anonymous tip to the disciplinary board. All kinds of thoughts ran through her mind. What if she'd had an affair with him, had led him on, and then broken things off? Would that have been something he'd been so upset about that he'd wanted to get back at her? Or had the dream she'd had a few weeks back been real? Had he tried to make advances towards her, and she'd cut him off from the get go, upsetting him?

She still didn't know if anything had even taken place between them. Was it time to confront him about it? _No_ , she thought, he'd been nothing but nice and helpful since her return to work. Yes he'd been a little overbearing at times with his constant chatter, and occasional invasion of her personal space, but always polite.

But then it occurred to her that she'd barely even seen him in three weeks. She'd had to put her foot down with him one night when he'd come to her office to discuss the case they'd been working on with Diane. Will had left the office to play in his weekly basketball game. There had been something in Brian's demeanor that night that had seemed off. That night he'd scooted too close to her so she'd moved. It hadn't bothered him in the past, her moving away from him, but he seemed agitated in that instance.

He had an uncanny ability to get off topic, and on this particular night she felt like he was crossing a line in asking questions of a more personal nature. He'd started out subtly making a sarcastic comment about Will leaving her there to work while he went out and had fun. She'd laughed it off, said it was good for their marriage as she thumbed through more paper on the table they were seated at. But awhile later he'd commented on how difficult it must be for them, her not remembering, and Will knowing everything. _"I bet he could get away with a lot if he wanted to,"_ he'd said. Then he made a comment about how he could only imagine their situation causing some issues, even some arguments between them.

That was when she'd cut him off. She'd looked up from the pile of paper that lay before them. "That's really none of your business," she'd said calmly, but firm.

When she'd said things in that tone to him in the past, he'd kindly backed off, and apologized, but not that night. He'd acted all offended at the comment, and the tone she'd used with him. Will had come into her office just moments later, and Brian had dropped it, gathering his things and leaving her office.

At the time she'd brushed it off, thinking that Brian must have been having a bad day. She'd moved on. But now she wondered if there had been more to it. And what would have happened if Will hadn't shown up when he did.

These thoughts made her a bit uneasy. But she didn't know if it was for a legitimate reason, or if it was simply the fact that all week everything had seemed to make her feel a little anxious.

"Leesh, you okay?" Will said, moving closer to her desk. He'd entered her office a few moments before noticing how lost in her own thoughts she'd gotten.

She looked up at him, and smiled. "Yes. I...It's nothing," she said, in a convincing tone. He sat down in front of her, as she shook off the thoughts about Brian. It was probably all ridiculous. She was far too paranoid these days, she thought, turning her full attention to Will.

/

That weekend they found some time to read through some of her journal entries from the time she'd been pregnant with Kate, and the months after. They really had been very happy during those months, just as Will had previously told her. But to know what had taken place after the pregnancy also made reading them a little heartbreaking.

In one entry about six weeks before the baby was due she'd written,

 _\- We took the kids to the lake today. They loved playing in the sand and dirt along the shore. Will took them out in the water to swim a bit. Grace didn't last long. The water temperature was too cold. I can't say I blame her. While I waded into the water ankle deep to cool off some, I wouldn't have lasted long if my whole body had been submerged. After swimming she sat happily on the shore with me under our beach umbrella, filling up and emptying out her sand pail a thousand times, making me muddy cakes, and building a sand castle._

 _I think Will and Zach could have stayed in the water the entire day. They nearly did, only taking short breaks to rest and eat the picnic lunch we brought along. Will helped Zach find some interesting rocks. Zach is obsessed with rock collecting right now. After lunch the two of them started tossing a ball to each other in the water. Shortly after, they were joined by a few other lake-goers._

 _We drove home in the late afternoon. The kids were completely worn out. I was too admittedly, with my ever-growing belly. I bathed Grace while Will made us a light dinner. I will be forever grateful for his ability to cook a few things. We ate outside, and afterwards, Will and I sat together watching the kids play while we talked._

 _Exhausted, the kids went to bed a little early, practically giving us the evening to ourselves. With each passing week in the pregnancy as I grow, feeling less agile and ten times larger than I'd like to feel, Will just seems to find me more attractive. I adore it, that look in his eyes when he sees me naked, and the gentle manner in which he makes love to me, ever conscious of the baby that makes things tricky at times. But I will never understand, other than him enjoying the temporarily larger breasts, how he can find my large belly, and the extra weight everywhere else so alluring. But just like tonight as our bodies entwined he made me feel nothing less than absolutely loved and wanted._

 _If ever there were a perfect day in our lives, this was one of them. -_

Tears had formed in her eyes. This was a comfort to her. Even if she never remembered their life being like this, the fact that it had existed, filled her with hope that she hadn't realized she was missing. Even though they were happy, the idea that they had been this happy, and shared time that had seemed care free, was something that she longed for. They both did.

"We can get there again. We've had moments like this since then," Will reassured her, as she turned the page in the journal.

"I know," she said, encouragingly. "But to have less of a burden on our shoulders for a long period of time seems like a dream right now."

He pulled her a little closer. Then a smile formed on her lips. "And how exactly did you find my pregnant body so attractive!" she giggled lightly.

He blushed a little. "First of all, you are and always will be attractive to me no matter what. But there was definitely something about watching your body change, and knowing the reason for it was that our child was growing inside of you."

His gaze lowered towards her stomach briefly. "It was an amazing experience, and I only watched. I'm not the one who had to suffer through morning sickness, back pain, and countless nights of wrestles sleep. I thought I knew what love was before you ever got pregnant with Zach, but I really had no clue until the day your normally flat belly started showing evidence of the life that was growing inside of you. That was the day I discovered what real love was."

She lifted a gentle finger to his chin leaning in for a kiss.

Not all of her entries during that time had held the same happy tone, but most did. Not long after reading that entry she turned the page to the time where their bubble had been burst.

 _\- I haven't been able to find the strength to even write in the past two weeks. Partially because that would mean I'd have to record the fact that the baby died, and that I feel completely responsible._

 _Will, the doctors, the nurses, everyone says there was nothing that could have been done. "You did everything right, the placental abruption just happened," they all keep saying. But I can't stop thinking that if I'd gone to the hospital the night before when my back was aching so much, that this could have been prevented. Or if I'd stayed home that morning, like Will had suggested, and just rested, maybe it wouldn't have happened. I should have never gone into work that day. I should have admitted to Will how awful the back pain had been the night before. Then I wouldn't have to feel this depth of sorrow I never knew existed. I wouldn't have to feel so completely guilty whenever I look into Will's eyes and see the same pain plaguing him._

 _We have to bury her tomorrow - our baby - who never took in a single breath of air. I don't know how we will survive this. -_

Will leaned forward running his hands over his face. This was going to be more difficult than he thought. The emotions, the memories he held from that time were being opened up again.

"Do you want me to keep reading?" she asked, quietly, noticing his demeanor.

He nodded. "Yes. It's just that I didn't know you'd blamed yourself for nearly two months. I often wondered if I had known earlier, or if I'd paid better attention, maybe I could have prevented some of the hurt you went through. And to have been so blind to it again last year, what was I thinking?" He looked at her in frustration.

"Will, don't blame yourself. I don't. And as far as Kate goes, you must have been suffering as much as I was."

"Yeah," he said, taking her hand. "Let's keep reading."

 _\- After a week of being home from the hospital the house is empty and it's such a relief. Julia left a few days ago. Will's parents flew home last night. The kids are back in school. Will even went back to work today to put in a few hours before he picks Grace up from preschool._

 _Finally this morning I could grieve Kate's death alone. Cry for as long as I wanted without someone trying to console me. Without someone saying it's going to be okay, that it will get easier. I didn't have to put on a smile for the kids, or Will's parents, or Owen. I didn't have to pull myself off the couch after twenty minutes of resting to prove to everyone that I'm healing just fine, even though my body still aches, and every time I see the scar on my stomach I can barely breathe. As much as I love Zach and Grace I was glad I didn't have to try and distract myself by playing with, or reading to them._

 _I sat in Kate's room, holding a blanket I never wrapped around her and allowed myself to just be angry and sad and cry until there were no more tears to cry._

 _Did it help? I was hoping it would. And maybe it did a bit, but the ache in my heart is unbearable. Now after showering, I'm sitting on the couch wondering if that ache will ever go away._

 _I don't mean to sound ungrateful. We wouldn't have made it through the past few weeks without the love and help that everyone's provided for us. Especially Will's parents who were here before all of this happened. His mother practically took over all of my responsibilities around the house, and with the kids. They both helped Will in arranging many of the details for the funeral. I think he was glad to have his father here for support. We are both still hurting so much. Despite my need to be alone today, he and I have found great comfort in each others arms. He's the only one who can truly understand what this is like._

 _I am healing physically, but I wonder how long it will really take to feel emotionally stable again. -_

Alicia glanced at Will after reading. His sad gaze slowly met hers. "I'd forgotten some of this," he said. "I'd gone back to trying to work half days. One morning I'd nearly made it all the way into work and realized I'd forgotten something I needed, so I drove back here to get it." He shook his head, trying to keep his own emotions under control.

"When I got here I found you sitting on the floor in her room sobbing. I sat down next to you, and we both cried for a few minutes. Then you told me you'd done the same thing every morning for a week after the kids and I had left the house. I didn't want you hurting like that all alone. But you told me it was fine, that it made you feel better. I took the next few days off work anyway."

She nodded. "Always there to pick up the pieces even if I don't think I need it," she smiled gently.

"It was beneficial for me too. I think it was good for us to have some time together without any other distractions."

She continued to read. An entry a few pages later read,

 _\- I'm still really struggling with everything. I thought by now I'd feel better than I do. It's been five weeks. Not every day has been bad. I just wish there were more good days. It's frustrating. I just want to feel better, not be so tired. There are days I can barely pull myself out of bed. Those days are the hardest. Those are the days where the guilt over Kate's death consumes me. I try to tell myself it wasn't my fault, but sometimes I get angry and think I should have been the one to die, instead of her. Sometimes when those thoughts cross my mind I wonder where they even come from._

 _Will's been so understanding and supportive. I know he's still struggling a little bit, and I wish I felt better so that I could support him more. It would be nice to get to a point where I didn't feel like I was suffocating ten times a day. I can't decide if being away from work is really good for me or not. At least if I was working I'd have something to distract my mind. On the other hand, I wonder if I'd even be capable of holding it together for an entire day at the office. I don't remember it being so hard to recover after Zach and Grace were born. I'm getting far more sleep than I ever did with either of them. But I guess this situation is completely different._

 _Despite the number of bad days, yesterday was good. Will and I celebrated our anniversary. It's probably good that he planned spur of the moment, and didn't give me time to think about it. I probably would have refused to leave the house if I'd had more time. Even the thought of getting ready to leave to go somewhere exhausts me these days. But as much as I've been struggling, I do think getting out for awhile was beneficial. I felt like I could take in a few deep breaths without passing out. I think I needed to see that life is continuing on outside the bubble that seems to be around me right now. I was even able to fit back into one of my pre-pregnancy dresses again, which was a bit of a surprise, since I haven't exactly been all that active in previous weeks._

 _We went to eat at one of our favorite restaurants. Diane and Kurt happened to be there, so we joined them. Honestly it was nice to have the company and feel like a normal human being for a few hours. I even had an appetite, something that I've been lacking in recent weeks._

 _After we left the restaurant we walked around downtown for awhile just to get some fresh air. When we got home the kids were in bed. We snuggled up together on the couch, watched a movie, and ate the dessert we brought home from the restaurant. I'm glad Will had the foresight to make plans. I think I really needed it. -_

"I should have been more conscious of the fact that you were hardly ever leaving home during those weeks. I think it made things worse being cooped up in the house day after day," Will said.

She nodded. "I've come to understand those feelings this week. As you know it's been a real struggle for me every morning to get up and leave the house."

"I do know. But do you think it's helped to get out, go to work, and run errands?"

"Yes, at least some."

The next entry was written a week later.

 _\- The past few days have been really difficult. Will suggested we clear out the nursery. -_

Will let out an audible sigh, running his hand through his hair.

"What?" Alicia asked.

"Keep reading, I'm sure you'll understand," he said, his lips curving up a bit.

 _\- It made me fairly upset. -_

"Fairly upset, is a huge understatement," he added, with a slight chuckle.

She smiled at him. "Well, why don't you just tell me what happened then?"

He ran his hands over his face. "Okay. It was a Saturday morning, and you seemed to be in a fairly good mood at breakfast. We turned on the television for the kids to watch while we went upstairs to get dressed.

I thought it would be a good idea to clear the nursery out. It was hard passing by it every day to get to the Grace and Zach's rooms. I thought it would help us move on if we turned the space into something else useful. So I suggested it to you."

He held her gaze. "I've seen you angry. I thought I knew what that looked like. But I'd never seen you as angry as you were that day. You wanted to know how I could even think that was a good idea. How could I just let it go so easily? Why would I want to betray her memory and everything that had happened? How could I even consider boxing up all of her things, and putting them in the basement as though she'd never existed? You asked me if that was my way of dealing with it. If there wasn't any trace of her, then I wouldn't have to think about it. And those were only a few of the things you said.

You were hysterical, and crying, and I just stood there like an idiot for a few moments trying to figure out what to do. I tried to explain, but I don't think you heard a word I was saying. You put on some shoes, said you weren't going to let me punish you like that, and then you left the house."

"Really? I just left?"

"Oh yeah. And it made me a little angry. We didn't know at the time that it was probably the depression mixed with the post-pregnancy hormones that pushed you over the edge that morning. I'd never meant to hurt you. I was fine leaving the nursery for a little longer if you wanted. I'd only brought it up because I thought you were finally feeling better, and I honestly thought it would be good for both of us, preserving her memories, not destroying them.

You were gone all morning. You hadn't taken your purse, or you phone, and after a few hours I was starting to get worried. Finally I decided I was going to go look for you, had gotten the kids into the car, but as I pulled out of the garage you were walking down the street towards the house.

Once we got back inside, I apologized. You apologized. I tried to explain my reasoning again, and you said you understood. You said it was probably a good idea. You just needed another day before you could do it. Which was fine, I hadn't necessarily intended to clear out her room that day."

"Did we clear it out that weekend?"

"Yes, the next day. We boxed everything up, and put it in the basement until we could decide what to do with it. It wasn't until months later when we decided we really shouldn't try to have another baby."

The end of that entry read,

 _\- Will probably wondered briefly two days ago if I'd gone crazy. I know I've wondered. I don't even know where all the rage came from. That woman that stood in our bedroom two days ago was not me. The scary thing is that I don't know where the woman I used to be has gone. I've heard that tragedy can change a person. I just didn't realize how much. -_

Will looked at the date on the entry again. "That was when things started getting worse," he said.

There was one more entry written about two weeks later. It was short.

 _\- I don't know how much longer I can do this. I used to think things would get better. That if I could just get through one more day the next would get easier, but it only seems to get worse. I'm consumed with grief, and that's only when I feel anything at all. Most of the time there just seems to be nothing. Will and the kids deserve better than this, but I don't feel like I have control over anything anymore. I don't have the energy to do anything anymore. I may not even have the energy to live anymore. I feel like my body has given up on me - punishment for allowing the baby to die. -_

Will watched her for a few moments after she'd finished reading. He could almost see the thoughts running through her mind because she'd voiced them more than once in the previous few days. At times she'd felt exactly like she'd described in her written words.

Her gaze slowly met his. "I don't want to slip back into such a state that I don't want to live. It scares me to death."

He brought his hand to her face. "You're not going to slip back into it."

"I don't see how reading through this is helpful," she added, with a hint of frustration.

"The entries we've read took place during some of your darkest moments. I can't say for certain, but I'd bet the entries after this will shed some light on how you fought through all of it. I think what Dr. Benson wanted us to gain from this was to know the kinds of things you were feeling and experiencing, so you'd recognize them if they started to come back, and to then know and understand how you did, and could get past some of those feelings again."

His hand dropped from her face, and he reached for her hands. "Leesh, I know I can't completely understand what this is like for you. But I know you'll fight through it, and win. You always have with everything that's ever come as a hurdle in your life. I know how strong you are, and I'm here to support you any way I can."

"You really think it will all be okay?"

Only Will was ever allowed to see this doubtful vulnerable side of her. Others close to her had had glimpses of it, but to most people Alicia Gardner always seemed completely collected and confident in her abilities.

"I do," he said, with a gentle smile.

"I didn't want to read more tonight, but it might be good to see some of the positive side of all of this."

He nodded. "Let's keep reading."

The next entry was written two months after the last. Will explained that just a day or two after the last entry was the day Alicia had refused to get out of bed, and had admitted to him her complete guilt over Kate's death.

 _\- I've read over my past few entries a few times in previous weeks. It's hard to believe that I'd gone so far down hill. Every day since then has had its ups and downs. Pulling myself out of the post-pardon depression is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's actually very scary to know your mind can so easily take control of your life. But every day it seems like a tiny piece of the dark cloud that hung over me for so many weeks is slowly disappearing._

 _I can honestly say I wouldn't have made if through this alive without Will. He never gave up on me. I owe him my life. This whole experience has been very hard on both of us. Things are definitely not perfect between us. I still have some really bad days, say things I don't mean, and it's taken its toll on our marriage._

 _Along with my weekly therapy sessions, two weeks ago Will and I started couples counseling. Not because wither of us is contemplating divorce, or even separation. We just need a little guidance through some of this. I think we both needed a place to vent some of our frustrations without the other one feeling criticized. The only thing I can compare our therapy to is mediation. The therapist is simply there to help us navigate the conversation._

 _After weeks of therapy, and taking medication, I think I can finally say I believe we will be able to move on from this. Not anytime soon, but it will come. -_

They continued to read together that night. Will had been right. Alicia was able to see and understand that through a lot of tears, therapy sessions, following through on the things that they were advised to do in those therapy sessions, and her own will to get past it, that she'd been able to completely recover. She'd stopped blaming herself for the baby's death, and she knew for certain that Will had never blamed her.

They finished their reading for the night with an entry that she'd written nearly ten months after Kate's death.

 _\- Will and I have been away together for a long weekend. It's the first time we've spent a night away from the kids in nearly a year. Partially because with everything that's gone on, I was scared to death to leave Grace and Zach overnight for fear that something might happen to them. It's taken nearly this many months for me to stop worrying about it._

 _We came to New York, and honestly I feel like a completely different person. Or maybe I'm just finally feeling like myself again. To be here in the place where we started out our lives together has helped breathe new life into me._

 _We've spent some time visiting some of our old favorite places, and had dinner last night with some friends who still live here. It's been a few days spent really connecting with each other, getting to know each other again, as silly as that may sound. We've been in a good place for a number of weeks now. But spending every minute of every day with each other has only made me more grateful for him. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to have a rush of butterflies surge through my body at a mere look in his eyes. How much I love the sound of his footsteps on the floor as he makes his way towards me, and how indescribably safe I feel wrapped up in his arms in the middle of the night._

 _But most of all in the past ten months I think I'd forgotten what it was like for us to be happy, truly happy, not just getting by. I think we've finally made it there again. This blissful state will not exist every day for the rest of our lives. But it's a great reassurance to know that if and when we get thrown off the path again, there will always be a state of happiness for us to find and hold onto. –_

/

Two days later Alicia left work a little early, and surprised Will with a candlelit dinner when he got home. Veronica had called and said she wanted to take the kids out for the night. At first Alicia had objected. It was a school night, but when Veronica offered to keep them overnight, and promised to have them to bed at a reasonable hour, even though Alicia knew that would never happen, she agreed.

"Where are the kids?" Will asked, walking slowly towards her after pulling off his coat, noticing right away the dress she had on was definitely not the one she'd worn to work. In fact if he were really honest, he didn't like her to leave the house in the dress she had on. The few times they had been out when she'd worn it, he'd spent his entire evening glued to her side, and glaring at other men that looked at her for far too long,

"They're with my mom," she said, closing the distance between them.

He placed his hands on her hips taking her in, letting his eyes wander over her before he leaned in for a warm kiss.

Her arms around his neck she pulled back. "I made dinner for us. It's in the dining room."

His eyes followed her gaze towards the formal dining room they hardly ever used towards the front of the house. "And to what do I owe this special dinner?" he asked, looking back into her eyes.

She smiled. "The kids are gone for the night. It's an impromptu date, which is good for both of us. And..."

She had to take a deep breath to keep in the wave of emotions that came over her. "I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me in the past week. I know it hasn't been easy." She leaned in and pressed a lingering kiss to his lips. "I love you," she said, softly after pulling away.

"I love you too," he breathed, against the bare skin of her neck.

They ate dinner in the dim light of the candles, drinking the expensive wine she'd bought, laughing, talking to one another, gazing at each other from across the table. Later that evening they made love to one another under the soft amber glow of the fireplace, just as they'd done a few months prior.

That night as she lay in his arms drifting off to sleep, her mind went back to the last journal entry they'd read two nights prior. She'd thought about the idea of them being truly happy. She was happy there lying next to Will. Yes, she was still struggling with the memories, and the emotional turmoil, but she was happy. She thought Will probably was to. She just hoped that would continue.

/

A few days later, she gave Will a quick kiss goodbye just outside his office before he left for court. Diane only smiled and shook her head from down the hall. She knew they still had a lot to work through, but with every passing day it seemed that her two partners were finally finding a comfortable place in their lives again. Sometimes watching them it was hard to believe the events of the last year had even taken place. That was good for business, and that was good for all of their personal lives.

An hour later, aware that Will was out, Brian made his way to Alicia's office. She sat quietly at her desk doing some research on a case for Will. Brian knocked, entered her office shutting the door behind him, and sat down in the chair across from her.

"What can I do for you?" she said, giving him her full attention.

He sat there staring at her for a few moments, a curious look on his face, and then cleared his throat. "In three weeks, the beginning of January, the equity partners will begin to decide who will make partner. I expect to be one of them."

A chill ran down her spine at the sudden change in his facial features. "Well you've done good work here from what I've seen, and from what Will and Diane have said. I'm sure they'll take a serious look at considering you. But I'm not sure why you're telling me. You know full well I won't have a say in the partnerships next year."

He chuckled as though he were mocking her. "You hold sway over Will. He'll do whatever you ask him."

She didn't find this the least bit funny. "No. When it comes to the firm Will makes decisions based on what's best for the firm. Yes, he'll take my opinion under consideration just like Diane. But if you think that my telling him he has to make you a partner will magically make that happen, then you've underestimated my husband."

"Your husband," he mocked. "You really don't remember what happened last winter do you?"

She grew nervous. Her stomach began doing summersaults. "What does that have to do with anything?" she asked.

"You don't remember all the late nights we worked together? You don't remember confiding in me, crying on my shoulder, because your depression was ruining your marriage?" he said, spitefully.

His fist came down hard on her desk. She jumped at the sound. Her heart felt like it was going to sink into her stomach.

"I was there for you. If I don't make partner I will tell Will EVERYTHING that went on between us." His eyes were cold and hard.

"Oh really? What exactly did go on between us?" She was scared to death she knew the answer, but she wasn't about to let him bully her.

A smug smile formed on his lips. "Let's just say that I have some pretty fond memories of things you and I did in this office, and it had _nothing_ to do with work."

"Are you suggesting I slept with you?" she said sternly, keeping her composure, even though she felt completely ill inside.

He chuckled again winking an eye at her, then stood leaning over her desk. "You're smart Alicia. Tell Will to make me partner, or I'll give him all the dirty details." He turned and headed towards the door.

"I don't believe you!" she said, standing, trying to keep her body from shaking.

He didn't turn to look at her. "You may not, but see the problem you have is that you don't remember what happened, and I do. Who do you think Will is going to believe? The man with his memory intact, or his wife who has no recollection of those months, and who he suspected of cheating on him?"

He walked out of her office, leaving the door wide open. If she hadn't been holding onto her desk at that moment she may have collapsed to the floor. She went and closed the door before she allowed her body to shake, tears bursting from her eyes. If this was true she thought, how would Will react? They'd built a good relationship again, but it would still be hard on him. She didn't want to hurt him.

A few minutes later, she composed herself again, cleaned up her desk, and sent Will an email with the research she'd found. She grabbed her coat, and went to Diane's office.

"I'm not feeling well. Will you tell Will I went home when he gets back please?" she asked.

"Yes. Are you sure you can get home all right?" Diane asked.

"Yes, I'll be fine. See you tomorrow," she said, turning to leave before Diane could ask any more questions.

 **A/N; Thank you so much for reading. I hope there was enough good in this chapter to make up for the angsty stuff. I'm sorry for leaving you all out on ledge here, but the truth about Brian and Alicia will be revealed in the next chapter.**


	44. chapter 44

"Julia, what am I going to do?" Alicia said, in tears pacing around the family room. She called Julia in near desperation as soon as she'd gotten home from work.

"Alicia, calm down."

"Do you know if it's true?" Alicia asked. "Will said you talked to him after my accident. He said you didn't think I'd had an affair. But was it true? Or were you just trying to protect him, protect us?"

"No. I don't think it's true. I'm pretty sure you spilled everything to me that weekend in January when you came to visit. And you didn't say anything about any Brian, or having an affair. If you'd had an affair I don't think you would have been so hurt and upset about Will accusing you of it."

"That was in January. What if it happened after that?"

"Leesh, we talked almost weekly after that weekend. I made sure I called because I was so worried about you. You never said anything about wanting to sleep with someone else."

Alicia relaxed some, letting out a few breaths of air. Julia had managed to talk her off the ledge some.

"Leesh, you need to tell Will. And you two need to do something about this Brian. He's trying to take advantage of you."

"I'm going to tell Will. It's just that between my dream about Brian, and him knowing about the depression, I feel like I need some sort of proof that nothing happened between us. I didn't think anyone knew about the depression back then except for you and Dr. Benson. But Brian said today that he knew, that I had confided in him. Why would I have felt more comfortable about telling him, than Will?"

"Brian's probably making it up. Once you had to go before the disciplinary board it wasn't a secret anymore. Brian saw an opportunity to get what he wants. This guy is a real sleaze if you ask me."

"Yeah, and I never saw it coming. If you would have told me he was this way three weeks ago, I'd of laughed in your face, said he was one of the nicest people working for us."

"Leesh, talk to Will. You can figure it out together. You'll only make things worse by keeping it a secret from him."

"I know. I just...I don't want to hurt him."

"He loves you. It'll be okay. I have to get back to work."

"Okay, thank you for everything. I'm sorry for interrupting your lunch break."

"I'm glad you called. I can't wait to see you in a few weeks. Josh and I have a surprise for you and Will."

After Alicia hung up with Julia she called Dr. Benson.

/

In the late afternoon Will called to check on her, and told her he would be a little late getting home.

After the kids went to bed, she sat still curled up on the couch staring at the glowing fire in front of her. After talking to Dr. Benson, the rest of the day had seemed a blur. Now as she sat there, she wondered how she'd managed to keep her emotions under control in front of the kids. The things she'd learned in the hours since she'd left work were weighing heavily on her.

She heard the garage door, then Will entering the house. Just moments later she heard his footsteps getting closer. He sat next to her, putting his arm around her. She avoided his gaze keeping her eyes on the flickering fire-light.

He sensed something was wrong as soon as he sat next to her. "How are you?" he asked, quietly.

It took a few moments for her to respond. "Will...we need to talk."

Continuing to avoid his gaze, he wondered if she was upset with him.

"Leesh, what's wrong?"

She pulled the blanket off of her and stood. Folding her arms across her chest, she turned and looked at him, taking in a deep breath.

"Brian came into my office today while you in court. He was agitated. He told me that I had to convince you to make him a partner next year. He said if I didn't talk to you, and he didn't make partner, then he'd tell you what happened between us last winter."

He furrowed his brow into an angry line. "He threatened you? I'll fire him! No one threatens you and gets away with it!"

He stood, anger growing within him. He looked at his watch. "I'll bet he's still at the office. He was working on something with Diane when I left. I'll go now."

"Will, no! Wait." She grabbed his arm. He paused and looked at her. "Stop trying to protect me for one minute and listen. Did you hear what I said?"

"Yes! He threatened you. It doesn't matter what else he said Alicia."

A few tears fell from her eyes. "But Will, it does matter."

He held her gaze trying to remember exactly what it was she had said. A stream of thoughts began running through his mind. "Alicia, what does that mean exactly, what happened between you two?"

She inhaled, and turned her gaze from him. "Today in my office, he implied that we'd had an affair."

Will's eyes grew wide with shock. "What?"

"I was sick. I came home. I called Julia. I called Dr. Benson." Her eyes met his again. "I couldn't live with myself if it had really happened. You had spent months accusing me of an affair, and I'd denied it, but what if it had been true? I got scared. I didn't know how you would react. We've spent all these months building a good relationship, a relationship that I love. I don't want to ruin that."

He stepped away from her a few paces. "Is it true?" he asked, in a cold, devastated tone. He could barely believe they were having this conversation.

"No. I didn't have an affair with him," she said, tears still falling down her cheeks. "But..." The knot in her stomach was growing worse. What she was about to say would hurt him, at least a little. How could it not?

She wanted to look away, but held his gaze anyway. "He did kiss me. And I...kissed him back."

The words seemed to hang suspended in the air in the awkward silence that now surrounded them. "It only happened once. I'm so sorry Will."

She watched as a look of shock turned to hurt crossed his features. He didn't say anything for a few moments turning slightly away from her staring at nothing really.

"When?" he asked, quietly. "When did it happen? And how do you know that's all that happened?"

He looked at her again. His tone raised some. "How do you know it was only one kiss? Or that it only happened once?" He tried not to sound accusatory, or upset, but honestly he was a little upset about it.

"You don't believe me, do you?" she said, slightly defeated.

He inhaled, moving closer to her again, gently putting his hands on her arms. "I do believe you. But you're my wife. You kissed another man. I'm not going to pretend that doesn't hurt me a little. I just want you tell me what you know so that I can understand better, okay?"

She nodded. "Okay,"

They decided to go upstairs to have the discussion behind closed doors. They didn't want to risk one of the kids overhearing.

Once comfortably seated she began. "In order to understand what happened, and what I can only imagine is the reason for Brian saying what he did, you need to know what went on in the seven or eight weeks before my accident." She reached for her journal on the bedside table.

"You and I got into an argument at work mid-January," she said, thumbing through the pages to find what she was looking for.

"Yes. You thought I was flirting with a co-worker."

"And you accused me of the affair again?"

"Yes. It was a few days before you went to visit Julia." He sighed. "If I had to guess, that's probably the reason you dropped everything and went to see her."

"It was," she affirmed. Finding the page she'd marked, and began to read.

\- _After New Year's Eve I thought that maybe things were going to change between Will and me, but I was wrong. We got into another awful argument last night, over the same thing we've been arguing about for months, the supposed affair he thinks I had, or am having. I don't think we'll ever be able to fix things. I don't think he cares anymore. I don't think he loves me anymore. It's my fault. I'm the one who's been keeping things from him. I've thought about telling him about Kerri Florrick and my heartache over Kate, and the depression. But I don't know that it would do any good now. We've grown too far apart. I've lost too much of his trust._

 _I'm giving up. I don't see a way out of this. I'm so tired of trying to fight through the depression while keeping up at work. Not to mention managing the kids, and trying to steer my way around Will and our seemingly non-existent relationship. I can't do it anymore. I just want to go to sleep and maybe never wake up._

 _I'm going to visit Julia for a few days. I bought a one-way ticket. That scares me because it means that in the next few days I'll have to decide what my future holds, if anything at all. I need some time to think, and sleep, and decide if this life I'm living right now is what I want._

 _People are always saying you have the power to change your own circumstances. But I don't know how when I feel like everything is lost. I never thought there'd come a day when Will would stop loving me. I'll never stop loving him. I thought losing my father, losing Kate, was the worst kind of hurt. But it doesn't even compare to the loss I feel thinking about Will. -_

His heart ached. "You really were thinking about suicide that weekend," he said, more as a statement than a question.

"Yes, I was definitely considering it."

"It would have been my fault," he said. The reality of what might have happened hitting him like a ton of bricks.

"No, Will." She reached for his hand. "It wouldn't have been your fault. You said things, did things that hurt me. But I did the same to you. I've come to believe the real root cause of our issues during those months was the depression. Please don't blame yourself."

More tears fell from her eyes. "You're the one who saved me."

She reached for the journal again, telling him how she'd told Julia about everything that had been going on after she'd talked to he and the kids on the phone that weekend. She told him that according to the journal she had taken a bottle of sleeping pills with her to Julia's, and how she'd convinced herself that taking the pills was the only way out of her misery.

"But listen," she said, opening the journal again.

 _\- As Will was about to end our call, he said he missed me. He sounded like he meant it. It's the most genuine honest thing he's said to me in months. It's possible I misinterpreted his tone and it's not really how he feels. But just when I thought all was lost, he throws in a tiny thread of hope._

 _I don't really want to die. I'm scared to death of dying. Even more I'm scared to death of dying alone. If there's a chance he still loves me, that he still wants me, I guess I feel like I need to find out because I miss him and what we had terribly. There's been this empty space in my soul for months, and it's killing me._

 _I gave the bottle of pills to Julia. She looked horrified when I handed them to her, but didn't say anything. I can about guess what ran through her mind. She'd like to call Will and tell him to drop everything and come get me. But we've been friends long enough for her to know that I need to do this on my own. I booked a flight home. I don't know what the next step is. If Will and I find a way out of this mess somehow, maybe someday I'll be able to look him in the eye and tell him about the day he saved my life. -_

Her hand covered her mouth as she finished. Tears silently fell down her cheeks. It hadn't been any less emotional reading through it the second time. Her eyes remained on the open pages of the journal.

Will reached his hand for hers entwining their fingers. She slowly moved her head to meet his gaze again. "It wasn't your fault," she whispered, quietly. "When I came home from Julia's I started seeing Dr. Benson. Julia had talked me into it, but I didn't tell Dr. Benson everything that was going on. He knew I'd been struggling over Kate again, and that I'd contemplated suicide. That was his focus for a few weeks. I didn't tell you about any of it for the same reasons I'd kept everything from you before that weekend. I didn't want you to be burdened with it, and I thought that by seeing Dr. Benson I could fix things on my own."

"I wouldn't have been burdened by it," Will said.

"I know. But I wasn't thinking clearly during those weeks."

"I don't understand how you functioned during that time."

"I didn't either. During the first few weeks after I came home I noticed you putting forth some effort into our relationship. Asking if I wanted you to do anything around house, bringing me coffee one afternoon, even remaining calm one night when it would have been very easy for us to have gotten into another argument. It seems like we had a few good weeks in there. Maybe that's one reason I held it together."

He thought about it for a few moments. "I don't know that I'd call those weeks good. It was more like a few weeks of calm. A few weeks where yes, I was trying to do extra things for you, trying to keep us from arguing. But in ways it was easy because you were working late so many nights we hardly spent any time alone together. You gave me no indication, other than a simple thank you periodically that led me to believe any of my efforts had been appreciated."

She nodded. "I know, and that was a mistake. One of the reasons I was staying at work so late was because of the depression. It was taking me twice as long to get the amount of work done that I needed to. I should have told you. I should have cut back on my work load. But work was the one thing during that time that I felt like I was good at. I thought I'd let the kids down, I knew I'd let you down. Work was the only thing I felt I could control. Because I had isolated myself from you on so many fronts, being at the office late at night when no one else was there became the only place I could let out all the emotional turmoil. And that's where Brian comes into the picture."

He furrowed his brow in confusion.

She began to read again.

 _\- Despite my sessions with Dr. Benson in the past two week since I came home from Julia's, everyday continues to be a struggle. I get to the end of what used to be a normal work day, and find that I haven't completed near the amount of work that I'd intended to at the beginning of each day. In order to keep up I've decided to work late three or four nights a week to stay on top of things._

 _Being here alone at night has also provided me with a quiet private place to let out some of the emotional buildup. There have been a few nights where I've crashed emotionally. Sat on the sofa in my office and sobbed, or simply fallen asleep for an hour just so I'll have the strength to make it home. That's one of the most difficult things right now, the emotional exhaustion. -_

A few days later she'd written,

 _\- I thought I was alone at work last night. It was late, I was crying, I'd had a particularly difficult day. Will had some flowers delivered to the office for me while I was in court, the only good thing that happened yesterday. But I sat there last night looking at the beautiful arrangement and all I could think about was how I had so selfishly damaged things between us._

 _It would be easy for someone on the outside to say the way to fix things is to tell Will everything. But right now I feel like I'm sitting at the bottom of well looking up. There are people at the top offering different ways to get me out, but only one will work. I'm stuck there not knowing which is the safest to choose. Everything just keeps spinning around and around in my mind until I just want to scream._

 _It turned out I wasn't here alone. One of our senior associates, Brian, has been working on a few cases with me. He'd come back to the office after grabbing some dinner, to put in a few more hours. He came to ask me a question. Catching me in the middle of one of these ridiculous crying fits, we ended up talking for awhile._

 _My guard was down, and I told him about the depression. I didn't of course get into any of the details as to why I was depressed. But somehow it was nice to have someone know about it who isn't involved, and who won't be affected by it. I think I played it off pretty well. Telling him it was being managed, that it wasn't affecting my work, which is mostly true. He was very understanding. Told me his mother, and sister both suffered from bad depression. It was nice to talk with him. -_

"That's how it started," Alicia said. "We were working on a lot of cases together. But you know how chatty he is."

Will nodded his head.

"We'd be working during the day, sometimes late at night, and he'd get us completely off topic. I wrote about one night where he'd been telling me about some vacation he'd been on, and I had found it so interesting, thinking you and I should do something similar, that before I knew it, he and I had been sitting there talking for an almost two hours."

"Okay, this all sounds innocent enough. I've been in similar situations with other co-workers," Will said.

"I thought it was too. I kept reading the journal. I wrote nearly every day during those weeks because Dr. Benson thought it would be a good idea.

Most of the entries are very similar. I mention the kids. I talk about my day to day struggle with the depression. I talk about you and how for a few weeks things seemed to be improving between us. I also talked about continuing to keep the depression from you, lying to Dr. Benson about telling you, because I felt like we already had enough issues to resolve. I felt that if I had added the depression into the mix it would have made things more complicated.

I also mentioned Brian a few times, in the context that he had become a real asset for me at work, putting in extra hours to help me keep up with everything."

She opened the journal again and read.

 _\- I told Brian he didn't need to stay so late this week that I could get the work done myself. He said he didn't mind helping out under the circumstances. That he wished someone had stepped up to help his sister at work when her depression had gotten really bad. She lost her job because of it, he told me. He said my depression wasn't near as bad as hers was, but that it shouldn't matter. If he needed to put in a few extra hours to make a good impression for our client's then it was worth the time._

 _If only he knew how truly bad my depression is, he might have a different opinion. But I'll keep that to myself. -_

She returned her attention to Will. "Two days later I wrote this."

 _\- Yesterday was difficult. I didn't want to get out of bed. I forgot to pick up some supplies Zach needed for school. Luckily Will covered for me. I finished up a case in court, but the outcome was not good for my client. I hardly got any productive work done all afternoon being constantly interrupted by associates. And Will, Diane and I got into an argument over a new client. By the end of the day I was tired, and emotionally drained. Deciding I wanted a drink, something stronger than what I normally keep at the office, I walked down the street and bought a bottle of tequila._

 _I'd planned on only having a few shots so I could still get home, but Brian came to ask me something about a case we're negotiating, and an hour later I'd had one too many shots. Brian had a few shots of his own, and somewhere in the middle of our conversation he said something about Will not minding me working so late, I told him we were having some troubles._

 _I never meant to get that personal with Brian. Diane doesn't even know Will and I have been struggling for months. I've got to be more careful at work. I don't need Brian or anyone else spreading rumors about Will and I. I called Owen for a ride home. We needed to talk anyway. I'm still fuming over the argument Mom and I had a few weeks ago. I don't know when I'll be willing to talk to her again but it won't be anytime soon. -_

"You told me you'd been out with Owen that whole night," Will said.

Alicia looked at him again. "Yes, another lie. Will I was lying to everyone. I called Dr. Benson back after I read through all of this today because I couldn't understand how I could possibly justify all the lies. It's not like me to do that."

"No it's not. So what did he say?"

"He said it took him a long to time to realize how mentally unstable I was during those weeks. I'd gotten so good at putting up a convincing front that I'd even fooled him. The scary thing is that the convincing front was starting to turn into who I was. He said that I honestly thought if I could get rid of the depression everything else would magically fix itself. But you and I both know that isn't true. Then two weeks before my accident things blew up in my face."

Will nodded affirmatively. "Things got bad between us again about that time. You stopped getting up in the mornings before the kids went to school. Which should have been a sign to me, but I didn't think much of it because you'd been coming home so late. You kept forgetting to do things they needed, which wasn't like you at all. They'd always been your top priority. It made me angry because I felt like you were taking out your frustrations with me on them." He hadn't meant to sound upset over their discussion, but thinking about some of this again was bringing up some of the feelings he'd had during that time. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound angry about it now," he said, calming his tone.

"It's okay." She looked down at the journal, and turned a few pages.

"So what happened?" he asked.

She began to read.

 _\- I've done something horrible. I can barely live with myself. I'm so ashamed of it. I've really gone and ruined everything now. Tonight Brian and I were working on last minute trial prep for tomorrow. I went to grab a book we needed off the shelf, when I turned back around he was standing right in front of me. I was a little surprised to find him right there. We looked at each other for a brief moment, and before I had time to think he was kissing me. -_

Will thought that in the short period of time since they'd started talking he'd be prepared to hear this, but he wasn't. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and stared at the floor as she continued.

 _\- I should have stopped him immediately. I should have pushed him away. But I didn't. I let him kiss me, and I kissed him back. I don't know what I was thinking. No, that's not true. The only thing I was thinking was how long it's been since I kissed Will, and how much I miss the intimacy we used to share. I miss his warm lips on mine. I miss the way he used to look at me, the way he used to touch me._

 _The kiss didn't last long. I came back to my senses when he tried to unbutton my blouse. -_

Will's head snapped back up at the mention of this. "He did what?" It was good thing they weren't anywhere near Brian in that moment. Will wanted to knock the guy flat on his face.

Alicia placed her hand on his arm. "Let me finish," she said, as calmly as possible.

 _\- I pushed him away, told him to get out of my office. He looked shocked, said he thought it's what I wanted. I told him he was wrong. That whatever he thought our late nights were, it wasn't this. He tried to argue with me, said that I'd led him on, that I was only denying myself what I really wanted - him. I told him none of that was true, and to get out of my office or I'd call security. For a few short moments I thought he wasn't going to leave, and briefly wondered what exactly he was going to do. But he changed his mind a minute later and left._

 _Now I feel awful. I'm so ashamed of myself for letting this happen. How can I ever tell Will? He'll never believe that it was only a kiss after everything that's gone on between us. He'll never believe that it was Brian who kissed me, and that I never in a million years would have done it on my own. There's no way out now. Will, will never forgive me for this. -_

Their eyes met again. A few tears escaped hers. "I'm so sorry." She felt horrible. She realized the kiss wasn't her fault, that Will probably understood that. But it would hurt her if Will came home one day and told her he'd kissed another woman.

He needed a minute to process everything so stood walking around the room a bit.

She didn't know what to think. He had every right to be a little upset. "Will," she said, after a minute of silence, not knowing what to say next.

He stopped pacing and looked at her. "He's the one who made the advances. He's the one who kissed you."

"Yes."

He sighed, placing his hands on his hips. "It bothers me that you didn't immediately push him away. But the thing that really irritates me is that he was clearly trying to take advantage of you in a vulnerable situation, just like he did today. I don't get it. He seems like such a decent guy."

"Yeah. Well I think that's how he works. He charms everyone into thinking he's a decent guy, until there's something he wants. He's obviously infatuated with me, and he thought he could pull me away from you with his down to earth personality and charm."

She went and stood in front of him. "But he was wrong. And it made him angry or jealous, or who knows what. I'm fairly certain he's the one who leaked the depression to the disciplinary board."

"Yeah, there's no question he did it," Will responded.

She stepped a little closer to him, placing her hands on his arms. "Will you forgive me?" she asked, in almost a whisper.

His warm hand moved to touch the side of her face. "Yes, I forgive you. It wasn't really your fault Alicia."

"No, but would you have believed me then if I'd told you?"

He pondered this for a moment, and answered honestly. "I don't know. You were right. I may have thought there was more going on between you two. But I would like to think that if you'd explained everything else to me I would have believed you. Is the kiss the reason you thought we should separate?"

"I think it contributed to it, but I don't know that we'll ever know for certain the exact reason. Honestly, I think I just needed a break from everything. We both did. I needed some time away from work, and maybe the kids to just stop and breathe, and pull my life back together again."

She took his hand leading him back to the bed to sit again. "The day after that last entry I went and saw Dr. Benson because I didn't know what else to do. He said I was a complete wreck. He said that was when I finally confessed everything, all the lies, including the fact that you still had no idea I was seeing him again. That was when he finally realized how bad things were. Up until then he thought the major issue was my memories of Kate. He knew you and I had been having issues, but he didn't know how bad it had gotten.

He prescribed the medication for me that day, which as you can imagine I hated, and told him so. But he said if I didn't take it, his next recommendation would be to have me hospitalized. That he'd call you himself if I didn't tell you because he didn't think I was mentally stable enough to make my own rational medical decisions. I took the prescription from him, but I was angry."

She let go of him, picking up the journal again. "I wrote one last time a few days before the accident."

 _\- I feel like I'm in a fog, stuck here with no way out while the rest of the world moves on around me. I've taken the pills Dr. Benson prescribed for a few days now. I didn't really have any other choice. I guess if it ends up helping it will be worth it. I just want my life back. The life I had nearly six months ago. I'd like to forget any of the past five months ever happened. It's a long, long, road to get back to where things were. And I don't know if after Will finds out about everything that he'll still want to be with me. I know I have to tell him in order for things to change, but I don't know how to start the conversation._

 _I'm thinking of going to Julia's again for a few days to get away from everything. She'd be able to support me. It would give me some time to think, and work out a strategy. Make a plan because that's what I do. Or at least that's what I used to do. I don't even recognize myself anymore, and that's the scariest thing of all. -_

She closed the book and set it aside, meeting Will's gaze once again. "You know what I really think happened the night of the accident? I would like to think that I was going to tell you what was going on, and we would have talked. After the argument we got into that night, maybe I thought I needed more than a few days at Julia's to work things out. In the screwed up state my mind was in, I must have thought that separating was the best strategy for that."

She reached for his hand again. "But that wasn't what needed to happen. You and I both needed to drop everything for a few days and figure out what to do. We needed to have some long, difficult conversations. That may have involved sending the kids somewhere for the weekend, or us shutting ourselves up in a hotel for two or three days so we'd be forced to talk to one another. But Will, I don't believe that separating from you was what I really wanted. I think I was sad, and hurt, and felt alone. I was probably just angry and frustrated at the whole situation."

He squeezed her hand tighter. "Yeah, I think you're right,"

They sat in comfortable silence for a few moments. For Will it was a relief to finally have a good picture of what had happened during those months. It was a relief to know for certain that she hadn't ever cheated on him. The idea of her kissing another man would bother him a bit for awhile, but he did forgive her. He understood it wasn't her fault, and that she'd not done anything, except maybe been a little too friendly, to bring it on.

She finally broke the silence. "What are we going to do about Brian?"

With one arm around her, his other playing with her fingers he responded. "Don't worry about him. I'll take care of it tomorrow."

/

And he did. The following morning he and Alicia walked into the office hand in hand. Once in front of her office they could both see Brian talking to Diane.

"Good. Lets take of this right now," he said, keeping his eyes on Brian. He gave Alicia a quick kiss on the cheek, before they entered Diane's office.

Diane turned and looked at both of them, but before she could say anything Will was in front of Brian. "You're fired," he said, keeping his cool as best he could.

Brian chuckled. "What do you mean I'm fired?"

"Will," Diane said, furrowing her brow.

Will kept his eyes on Brian. "There's a security guard waiting outside your office. You can go get your personal items. Leave your laptop, and your phone. Once we've cleared any Lockhart, Gardner, and Gardner information from the phone we'll return it to you."

"Will, what's going on? Brian is one of our best attorneys."

"I am. You can't fire me. I haven't done anything wrong," Brain protested.

Will chuckled placing his hands in his pockets, stepping a bit closer to Brian. A thin line formed on his lips. "I can fire you for sexual harassment against a co-worker. Or would you rather the reason be creating a hostile work environment by threatening my wife?" He was angry. What he really wanted to do was punch the man in front of him, but he kept his cool.

"If you're talking about what I said to her yesterday, I wasn't threatening her. I was simply telling her the facts." He glanced at Alicia. "And as far as sexual harassment, I assume your referring to what she did with me last winter. That was not sexual harassment. That was two consenting adults. She's the one who made advances towards me. She's the one who wanted to sleep with me. I simply took care of her needs because they weren't being taken care of at home."

Diane was shocked. Will's jaw set in a hard line. Alicia was furious. But before Will had enough time to get his hand up to throw a punch, Alicia was in between the two men.

"You're lying!" she said, outraged.

He snickered and backed up. "Am I? It seems to me the only one in this room who knows the truth is me. I was there, and you can't remember any of it."

"You're wrong," Will said, stepping back out from Alicia. "The thing you didn't take into account yesterday when you came up with your sick little scheme was that Alicia kept a daily record of everything that happened during those weeks because her therapist told her to. You forgot to take into account that Alicia would then tell her therapist everything that happened. And your biggest mistake was thinking that I'd believe you over her. I trust her more than anyone else on this planet."

Will took a few steps closer to him. "Don't underestimate how far I'll go to prove you wrong if you don't give this nonsense up. Don't underestimate what I'll do to protect her from these slanderous lies. Now go downstairs, get your things, and don't ever set foot in these offices again."

Brian knew he didn't have a foot to stand on. Cursing under his breath he turned around and stormed out of Diane's office.

/

That night Will and Alicia lay in bed next to each other. "Do you think things are ever going to calm down?" she asked.

Will pulled her closer, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. "Yes. I don't know why, but for some reason I feel like the tides are finally shifting in our favor. Maybe it's just relief in knowing that it will be a new year in a few weeks, and we can finally put this really challenging one behind us."

"I like the sound of that," she said, wrapping her arm more tightly around him.

 **A/N: Thank you all for reading. And thank you to those guest reviewers who I can't thank personally. I appreciate the feedback.**


	45. Chapter 45

It was a few days before Christmas, and a week after he'd fired Brian. Will woke up sluggish and in a rotten mood - for the third day in a row. Glancing towards the window he sighed. It was still dark outside. If the weather forecasts had been accurate, he'd be outside in an hour pushing the snowblower through six inches of the white powdery substance just so they could all leave the house for the day. He was dreading it.

His attention soon turned to the sound of the shower running in the background, and images of his bare-skinned wife. A satisfied smirk crossed his lips. The love making hours earlier had been - heated, passionate, rough. It was angry sex. He'd admit it under cross examination. But he was fairly certain she hadn't caught onto the fact.

Turning onto his side, he stared at the closed bathroom door. She'd responded to his excessive want, hunger, and need for control, with an equal amount of aggression. He wasn't usually so rough with her. When they laid together overexerted afterwards, he'd asked if she was all right. She'd just giggled, and said she was more than all right. Nonetheless, he hoped he wouldn't find any signs of him branding her as his own on her body when she emerged from the bathroom. He'd hate himself if he'd hurt her.

Reluctantly, he sat up placing his feet on the plush carpet. The issue wasn't that he was tired - although he was. It wasn't that he was annoyed by the amount of work he'd had to do in the past week after six pm. It was that he felt like he'd lost his footing waking up the past few days anxious, a little angry, and a knot in his stomach. He couldn't quite pin-point the root cause of it. But he was keenly aware that if he didn't maneuver carefully he'd say and do things he didn't mean.

He was uncertain of what to do about it until later that afternoon when he briefly snapped - lost control - looking Diane in the eye blowing up at her over innocently being asked how his earlier meeting had gone.

She waited patiently for him to finish his rant. Heels set firmly on the floor, her arms folded across her chest. "Are you finished?"

His hands moved to his hips. He looked ashamed of the way he'd just spoken to her. "Yes,"

"Good," she said, before he could continue.

"I'm sorry," he said, honestly.

"Mmhm. Is there something going on that I need to know about? Kurt said you played ruthlessly, but seemed...distracted last night."

He'd been out for drinks with Kurt at their usual place. He'd nearly single handedly beat a group of twenty something's at billiards. If he'd seemed distracted it was simply that there were things running through his mind that he didn't want to tell Kurt because he was married to Diane, and a close family friend. Sometimes it was better to keep things to oneself than to burden those close to him.

Staring at Diane, the thought prompted him to make a mental note to call Dr. Benson as soon as she left his office. He'd cancelled their weekly session for that evening because Alicia had gone home at lunch with a migraine. But maybe it would be beneficial for him to talk to the good doctor anyway.

"No, nothing is going on. I'm just tired, and a little stressed. That's why I'm taking next week off," he said, in answer to her question.

Diane nodded, not believing him, but didn't push the issue, moving onto the reason she'd come to talk to him in the first place.

A few hours later he sat in Dr. Benson's office on the sofa discussing Alicia. "I snapped at her." _Five times in three days_ , he thought to himself. "She didn't deserve it." Putting his head down, looking at his clasped hands he continued. "She's home right now fighting one of her migraines. I should be there, but I'm not."

He sighed, standing to stretch his legs even though he'd only been there ten minutes. The doctor let the silence continue. Observing his patient closely as Will turned and looked at him again.

"I thought about things this morning while I was supposed to be preparing a brief. I'm feeling resentment, or anger, or..." He chuckled. "Jealousy." He could barely believe he admitted it.

"You're feeling these things towards Alicia?"

"Yes, but not only towards her. It's the whole situation that bothers me sometimes."

He took a few steps towards the doctor again, becoming somewhat animated. "I know that none of it's her fault. The memory loss, the headaches, the struggle she's going through because of some of the things she is remembering,"

He paused briefly, sighing heavily. "I know she never intended for Brian to kiss her. I know she didn't lead him on. I believe that she never would have initiated that on her own. But it stung when she told me. Maybe it would be different if she'd pushed him away from the start. But she didn't. She kissed him back. She let his lips linger on hers."

He folded his arms across his chest. "Sometimes I hold my breath the entire day waiting for the next bad thing to happen, the next bad memory to crush her into pieces all over again. Do you know how exhausting that can be?"

He moved back to the couch. "I love her. But for the past few days, I haven't wanted to do any of it, deal with any of the mess. I want things back to normal. And because I've felt that way it just makes me anxious, and wonder what kind of husband am I to think like that? This has happened before. I'll have a few hours, maybe a day where I feel like this, and then it seems to go away. But not this time. I've felt this way for days."

He sank back into the cushions. "I'm angry at a lot of things right now. I don't know why, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to take that frustration out on Alicia or the kids. I just don't feel like I can, or am handling any of it very well right now."

Dr. Benson put his pen down. "It sounds to me like there are a few things going on here. You're tired of dealing with her amnesia, and the side effects from it. And you're struggling with the fact that she kissed another man, even if it was innocent on her part."

"That sounds about right. Am I an awful person for feeling that way?"

The doctor's lips curved upwards. "No, you're not awful for having these feelings. I think you're overwhelmed with a sense of responsibility to take care of her. Protect her from everything, be there for her at the drop of a hat."

"Yes, but I don't do those things because it's my...responsibility. I do it because I love her. I want her to be happy. I do it because I'm her husband, and nineteen years ago we made vows to each other that we'd be there for one another in good times and bad."

"I know you love her. I know you're committed to her. But I think when you found out that she had shared something with another man that she'd only shared with you for years, it hit you harder than you'd like to admit. You're tired of the chaos that her amnesia causes, but I think what you're really angry about is that kiss. You feel like she betrayed you, and it's making everything else more difficult."

"Yes! But I don't want to feel that way. It was one kiss. She didn't ask for it. She didn't, and doesn't have feelings for the other man. I'm the one she confesses her love to. I'm the one she has sex with. The rational side of me thinks this is ridiculous. I don't have anything to be worried about. I'm the one she wants to be with. I'm the one she wants to come home to at night."

Dr. Benson nodded affirmatively. "But?" he questioned.

"There have been instances during the past week where I'll look at her and all I can see is the other man kissing her." He sighed heavily, wringing his hands together. "The thought makes me upset and jealous. It happened last night, and I took that frustration out on her - in bed. What kind of a man am I for doing that?" He was a little ashamed of himself.

The comment perked the doctor's attention. "You didn't hurt her I assume?" He'd always known Will to be good to Alicia, but he wanted to check.

"No! I'd never hurt her. She thought I was just being - extremely passionate. She...enjoyed it. But it would have been better if it had been passion instead of jealousy that had driven me to that point."

"Will, you're under a tremendous amount stress right now, and it's overwhelming. The past year has been full of trauma, and fear, and heartache. A constant uphill battle."

"So what do I do about it?" he asked, in slight frustration.

"You have to realize that it's okay to feel this way. It's okay to be tired of all the mess. It's okay if you're not her superhero every second of every day."

He leaned forward and smiled. "You know what I'd tell you if we were having drinks at a bar?"

Will chuckled. "What?"

"First, I'd tell you to stop setting such a high standard for the rest of the male species. And secondly, I'd tell you the problem you have is that you love her too much. You care too much." He raised a brow to him.

"But as your therapist, instead of your drinking buddy, I don't really believe that. I don't think you can love someone too much. I wish more of my clients had a similar sense of commitment as you."

The two men talked for awhile longer before Will headed to the gym to pound out some of his stress on the treadmill. Feeling somewhat better after talking to Dr. Benson, and a good workout, he headed home.

"How's Alicia?" he asked Owen, after entering the kitchen.

Owen glanced towards the kids in the other room, then looked back at Will. "Fine. I took some food up to her a half-hour ago."

Will sighed with slight relief. "That's a good sign. Usually when these headaches get bad, she can't keep anything down." He moved to the refrigerator to grab a cold drink.

"Yeah, she said the medication had finally done it's job a few hours ago, and she was able to get some sleep. I think her head still hurts but its manageable now." He continued to stare at Will who moved about the kitchen fixing himself a bite to eat.

Will could feel Owen's eyes on him. "What?" He looked up from food he was spooning onto a plate.

"Nothing. I just didn't realize how debilitating her migraines can be. Thanks for taking such good care of her."

Will was so used to the boisterous, jovial, fun uncle, side of Owen, that it always took him off guard when he let a little bit of true sincerity show through.

"You're welcome. Although, I don't know that I do such a great job of it most of the time." He turned and put the plate of food in the microwave to heat up.

"That's not how Alicia views it. Every time I went up to check on her she mentioned you. How hard you work for she and the kids. How you never complain when you have to rearrange your schedule because of her. Calling her three times this afternoon to see how she was doing."

Will glanced back towards him. Owen couldn't resist his next comment. "And of course she couldn't help but mention how amazing you are in bed," he said, with raised brow, and a goofy look on his face. "I mean we've all had our suspicions about you two for years. But..."

Will just rolled his eyes, and chuckled. "Okay, you can stop now. I know for certain Alicia didn't discuss our...extracurricular activities with you. But just for the record, I am pretty amazing!"

"Yes, you are," Alicia said, interrupting their conversation with a tired smile on her lips as she made her way to Will. She wrapped one arm around his waist and leaned in to kiss his cheek.

"You didn't have to come down," Will said, softly, wrapping her up in his arms briefly.

"I wanted to. I wanted to see how your day had gone." It meant more to him in that moment than she would ever know.

The three adults joined the kids in the other room for a movie. With school out for the holiday break, Zach and Grace were allowed to stay up late.

After Owen had gone, and the kids were in bed, Will and Alicia were together on the couch. Her head rested comfortably in his lap, his fingers running soothingly through her hair. Evenings like this were what he'd been craving simply for the pure normalcy. No drama, other than the kids' usual banter. Sitting with his family laughing at the occasional humorous comment. Sitting comfortably snuggled next to his wife who occasionally glanced at him with only love and affection in her eyes. It was times like these that did, and would, help him get through the struggle.

He continued to gaze down at her, taking in her beauty. He'd never tire of looking at her despite his insecurities that had risen up in the past few days.

They remained in silence after she'd finished telling him about her mother's plans to come see them Christmas Day.

"How's your headache?" he finally asked.

"Still hurting some, but much better."

"I'm sorry if I've seemed distant or been grumpy the past few days." He reached his hand to brush against the side of her face.

"You've had a lot to do. Is everything all right?"

"Yes. I've just felt overwhelmed with everything this week. I went and talked to Dr. Benson tonight. It seemed to help. I'm feeling better about things now. I just don't want you to worry, or think you've done something to put me in a cantankerous mood."

She nodded. "Anything you want to talk to me about?"

A loving smile crossed his lips. "Other than how much I love you, and how beautiful you are? No."

She couldn't help but blush. "You're sure? Because you know you can tell me anything?"

"I know." He reached for her hand. "It's just hard sometimes. And as you well know, the past month has been tough for both of us. I just needed a few days to feel sorry for myself."

She nodded. "Well, I can certainly understand that. You know you don't always have to be so strong. You don't always have to have super-human power all the time."

He chuckled at the comment. Her hand moved to rest against the side of his face. "You know I love you, and appreciate everything you do for me right?"

"Yes. I love you too."

She glanced towards the large decorated tree in the corner glowing brightly in the darkened room. Sensing he could use a little pick-me-up, she smiled. "I have an early Christmas gift for you." Raising a brow to him, she gently guided him off her lap and went to the tree to retrieve a small, neatly wrapped box.

"I was going to save it for Christmas Eve, but it's only two days away anyway." She sat next to him and watched him open the gift.

Once he realized the boxes contents a broad grin crossed his lips. "You found it!" He lifted the signed ball enclosed in a clear box to admire it. It was the same baseball that had been intended for him the previous year.

She giggled at his enthusiastic reaction. "Yes. It was tucked away in a box at the back of my closet."

"Thank you," he breathed, leaning closer to press a warm kiss to her lips.

Her hands moved to his toned chest. "Why don't we go upstairs?" She pressed her body closer to his, playing with the buttons on his shirt.

"Are you sure you're not too sore after last night?" he asked, with genuine concern, running a hand in smooth circles over her back. Despite the stress that still lingered in the back of his mind, his body yearned for her. The previous night the sex had been about his jealousy and feeling as though he had something to prove. But tonight he wanted, needed, to feel the security and intimate connection that he knew making love to her would bring. Tonight he didn't feel a rush or urgency to it.

"Yes, I'm sure." Her eyes sparkled in the dim light.

"What about your headache?" His hand brushed at the loose strands of hair around her face.

"Are you trying to talk me out of it?" she said, playfully.

"No," he said, gently leaning in to kiss her forehead.

"Maybe we could take things a little slower than last night." She pressed her lips to the bare skin of his neck.

His hands moved under the hem of her shirt, fingers brushing the bare skin beneath. "Mmm, I like the sound of that."

She wrapped her arms around his neck pressing a firm kiss to his lips. Moments later he scooped her up into his arms and headed for the stairs.

She giggled. "What are you doing? I can walk on my own."

"I wouldn't want you to overexert yourself too quickly," he said, a broad grin on his lips.

This caused her to laugh out loud. It warmed his heart. He loved the sound of her laugh.

They took things slow. He savored every minute of it, peeling off her clothes. The look in her eyes when she did the same to him. The long passionate kisses. The way her hands felt against his skin. The look on her face when his fingers caused her to climax the first time. He relished in the long minutes their bodies were connected together. No race to the end for either of them making the moment they fell over the edge together even more intimate.

Exhausted, she fell asleep not too much after, her bare body still snuggled against his beneath the warm blankets. He watched her sleep, the dim light from outside making her pale skin glow. He'd never get over her or her beauty.

His eyes finally grew heavy. He closed them feeling more secure in her love and devotion for him then he had in days. He knew there would be days to come where things would still be an uphill battle, and he hadn't completely rid himself of the jealousy. But knowing they would still have moments like tonight where everything was calm, and everything seemed right, helped aid in giving him the desire to go on.

 **A/N; Thank you so much to those of you who took the time to review the last chapter. The coming chapters leading to the end of this story will be a little lighter, and for the most part focus on Will and Alicia continuing to build their relationship. This means less crisis and more touchy feely things going on. I've planned out five to six more chapters to the end. If there are things that you as readers want more of, or are still looking for an explanation or answer to, please let me know so that I can incorporate those things into the final chapters. Thank you so much to everyone who has stuck around for this long journey!**


	46. Chapter 46

Alicia moved into the bedroom quietly shutting the door behind her. Light from the east facing window filtered into the room. The sound of Will's heavy breathing alerted her to the fact that he was still asleep. He'd been taking advantage of their time off the past week, sleeping in nearly every morning. The only exception had been Christmas morning when the kids had rambunctiously woken them from a restful sleep.

 _\- It was still dark outside. Zach slowly turned the knob to their parents' bedroom. Peering inside he turned and looked at Grace._

 _"They're out cold," he whispered._

 _Slowly pushing the door a little further so they could gain access to the room, he put his finger to his lips. "Shhh," he said, quietly._

 _They tiptoed over to the bed. Grace wanted to laugh out loud at their plan, but resisted. Zach held up one, then two, and then three fingers, to signal them into action. He flipped the switch on the lamp next to Will as Grace jumped onto the bed trying to gain access between her parents._

 _"Mom, Dad, wake up," Zach said, rather loudly._

" _It's Christmas!" Grace added, enthusiastically, flopping an arm across each adult._

 _The sudden interruption of sleep caused Alicia to nearly jump out of the bed. Will just sighed heavily glancing at the clock. "Are you two ever going to grow out of this?" he said, still trying to wake up. "You've both known for quite a long time there is no Santa Claus. I don't know what the big rush is on Christmas morning."_

 _Alicia just stared at them, one hand across her chest trying to calm her racing heart._

 _"Dad, we couldn't sleep. We've been up for an hour." Grace said, turning to sit comfortably between them._

 _"An hour?" Alicia's tone emitted utter surprise. It was never an easy task to get them up for school most mornings._

 _"Grace has been awake for an hour. Just be glad she gave you that," Zach countered._

 _"It's five in the morning," Alicia gaped._

 _Will just chuckled, sitting up. Grace put her arms around her father's neck looking him in the eye. "Pleeeease get up!" She knew exactly how to look at him with her big hazel eyes and small pout on her lips. She'd learned well from her mother, he thought. He was putty in both their hands when they looked at him like that._

 _"Okay, give us five minutes, and then we can go downstairs."_

 _"Are you serious?" Alicia spoke up. "You're going to give into them?" She wasn't upset, just extremely tired. She'd like to sleep another hour or more._

 _The other three chuckled as Grace climbed off the bed. "It is Christmas morning Leesh," Will countered, to which Alicia just rolled her eyes._

 _Zach and Grace left the room as Will reached for Alicia's hand, which she playfully refused to give him._

 _"They always wake up early on Christmas." He scooted closer to her. "The good news is that in about an hour we'll be allowed to come back to bed, and they'll be distracted with their new Christmas gifts." He raised a brow hoping she understood his underlying meaning. "And I'll have another...gift for you."_

 _He leaned closer kissing her cheek. She stared at him for a few moments, pretending to be upset, her arms folded across her chest before her lips curved upwards._

 _She leaned in closer to him. "Do I have any say in the - presentation - of this gift?"_

 _He leaned in to touch her nose with his. "I'll give you whatever you want," he breathed. "For as long as you want."_

 _That's all it took these days, one look from him with a seductive glance and she wanted to take him right then._

 _"Are you guys coming?" Zach yelled from down the hall, bringing Will and Alicia back to the reality of parenthood._

 _Alicia giggled, and pressed a quick kiss to Will's lips before they climbed out of bed. -_

She blushed at the thought of their love making that morning when they had finally made it back to bed. Moving further into their room she slid beneath the covers and draped an arm over Will's torso. She leaned in pressing soft gentle kisses to his neck, making her way to his jaw, and finally landing at his lips.

He smiled at the sensation. His eyes remained closed. "You need to wake up my love. Josh and Julia will be here in an hour."

He grasped onto her arm and pulled her on top of him. "Mmm. I'd rather stay here and let you finish kissing me awake."

She giggled into the side of his neck. "There will be time for that later. You've been insatiable the past week," she said, kissing his cheek again.

His eyes fluttered open meeting hers. "I've been insatiable?" he chuckled. "I beg to differ, Mrs. Gardner. You've been the one keeping me up too late all week causing me to sleep in every morning."

She couldn't help but laugh out loud. "No. You're the one who's finally caught up on enough sleep to have the energy to stay up til all hours of the night."

"Maybe we should just agree we're both responsible."

"Or we're both insatiable," she pointed out.

/

Alicia was excited to see Julia again. They'd talked on the phone regularly since Julia had left all those months earlier, but this visit would be very different from that one. This would also be the first time she'd meet Josh and Ethan in person.

She was taking a final inventory and making a last minute shopping list for the New Year's Eve party that night when the doorbell rang. She and Will made their way to the front door opening it to let their friends in.

After their brief hellos, Will went to take their coats. The surprise Julia had mentioned to Alicia a few weeks prior was revealed when Julia took off her coat. With her slim figure evidence of her pregnancy was quite obvious.

Both Will and Alicia were surprised. Will recalled Julia telling him almost a year ago that they were done trying after her few miscarriages.

"Congratulations!" Alicia said, giving her friend a hug.

"Thank you! I wanted to tell you sooner, but with all the trouble we've had I wanted to make sure everything was all right before we told people. Of course I can't really keep it a secret anymore," she said, placing her hands on her swollen belly.

"How far along?" Will asked.

"Six months. I'm due at the end of March. Ethan is going to have a little sister." She ran her fingers through Ethan's hair. The eleven year old was glad to see Zach descending down the stairs.

A few hours later they all sat at the kitchen table eating lunch together. "We have some more news," Julia said, reaching for her husband's hand. "Josh got a new job. We'll be moving in another month."

Alicia set her fork down. "Where too?"

"I've accepted a VP position at S&R Technologies."

"They're headquartered here in Chicago." Will said.

Julia couldn't contain her excitement any longer. "Yes, we're moving here!"

The news was exciting for everyone. Alicia was thrilled to have her friend moving so close. And with Josh in a VP position there was a chance he could persuade the companies board to switch their legal counsel to Will and Alicia's firm.

/

That night the house was full of friends and loved ones to ring in the New Year. Music played in the background. All available space in the kitchen held food, and an assortment of drinks.

Will stood against the counter, drink in hand, observing everyone around him. His eyes finally rested on Alicia across the room. A group of the women stood around her admiring the diamond bracelet on her wrist. It looked amazing against her dark blue silk blouse.

He smiled sipping some more of his drink as she slipped it off her wrist so Diane, Julia, and a neighbor friend of theirs could inspect it more closely. The bracelet had been his Christmas gift to her. He probably shouldn't have spent so much on it, but every once in awhile he liked to spoil her. Just moments later the smile of genuine appreciation she threw him across the room sent a rush of flutters through his body.

Very content in the knowledge that she was happy and in love with him, his thoughts briefly turned to last year at this time when things were falling apart between them. He cringed at the thought of the show they'd put on for everyone, and at how easy the deception had actually been. He never wanted things to be like that again.

A few minutes later she moved next to him lacing her arm around his waist leaning in to whisper in his ear. "Everything all right?" His quiet, thoughtful demeanor hadn't gone unnoticed.

He nodded affirmatively. "Everything's great," he wrapped his arm across her back pulling her in closer.

Alicia's eyes focused on her mother and Bill who were now talking to Diane and Kurt. "Owen said this is the longest relationship Mom has held in years."

Will took a sip of his drink. "He's probably right, if you count the month she spent talking to him online before they ever met."

Alicia shook her head. "I have to admit he's a nice guy. He seems to make her happy."

Will looked down at her. "And she's been in Chicago since they got back from Europe. You two have never talked as much as you have in the past few months."

"Yeah, I think she's trying. I guess I just keep waiting for the next boyfriend to show up. Or the time I call and really need her and instead of getting back to me quickly she'll call two weeks later and try to apologize."

Will traced circles on her back with his hand. "Maybe this time things will be different."

Alicia wasn't completely convinced. "Maybe, but half the time I talk to her I feel like she's barely listening. I guess it's something though."

"It's definitely something," he said, quietly, thinking back eleven months to when she'd told him she wasn't ever going to speak to her mother again. He still didn't know exactly what had been said between the two women during that conversation that had led Alicia to be so upset. She'd never given him any details other than they'd argued, and that Veronica had offended her beyond belief.

Soon their attention was turned to their guests and everyone getting ready to count down the seconds to the New Year. Everyone gathered in the large living area, their eyes on the wall clock. Will gathered Alicia up in his arms as the seconds counted down.

"Three, two, one. Happy New Year!" everyone shouted. The kids and Owen threw balloons and a large amount of confetti over everyone from the upstairs balcony.

Will and Alicia moved to the music playing in the background together. He pressed a firm kiss to her lips. They allowed the kiss to linger as everyone celebrated, confetti landing on the tops of their heads.

After the kiss Will's forehead pressed to hers. "Did you know about the confetti?" she asked.

"No," he chuckled.

"It will be next year before we get it all cleaned up," she smiled, moving her body closer to his, resting her chin on his shoulder.

"The kids and your brother can clean it up tomorrow," he breathed into her soft hair.

It was in that instance that a flash of memory crossed her mind.

 _\- They were dancing slowly to some music. She didn't recognize the apartment. But the view that could be seen through the large windows in the room led her to believe they were in New York._

 _She hadn't realized anyone else was in the room with them until someone spoke up._

" _You two still act like newlyweds a year and a half after the wedding," Julia joked, from the couch across the room snuggled in the arms of a man Alicia didn't recognize._

 _The others in the room just laughed at the comment. "I'm sorry if you don't approve of our chosen activity," Will said, taking Alicia's hand to turn her out for a spin before pulling back to him._

" _You're all welcome to join us. It is New Years Eve, Jules," he protested._

 _She just laughed getting up from the couch moving closer to her friends. "I know, but you two are the ones who invited all of us here for a party. Yet you've practically ignored us because you can't keep your hands off your wife." She raised her brow to Will passing him to move into the kitchen._

 _Alicia giggled. "She's right you know."_

 _He sighed meeting her gaze again. "Can you blame me? I married the most attractive woman on the planet." He leaned in and pressed a kiss to her lips. –_

"Leesh," Will had stopped dancing with her. She looked up at him coming out of the memory. "You okay?" he questioned.

"Yeah, it was just a memory, a New Years Eve from the past."

"A good memory?" he asked.

"Yes! A good memory." She snuggled closer into his embrace, breathing in the scent of his cologne.

Shortly after, their guests started heading home. An hour later she collapsed onto the bed still wearing skinny jeans, and silk blouse. Will hovered above her reaching his hand to remove a few stray pieces of confetti from her hair.

"It's all over the house," she said, with a little chuckle.

"I know." His free hand began roaming over her curves. "If I'm not mistaken, this morning you promised me some more kisses tonight – in bed," he added with emphasis.

She reached her arms around his neck. "You're right. I'll have to kiss you to sleep instead of awake."

"I like the sound of that." He straddled her reaching for the buttons of her blouse, as she reached for his belt.

Sometime later while coming down from the high, his body still connected to hers, "I could get used to ringing in the New Year like this!" she said.

He chuckled looking into her eyes again. "Not bad for an old married couple," he said.

She laughed, gently pushing him off her. "Who are you calling old?"

He turned onto his back, one arm behind his head. "No one. But I have a feeling I might feel old tomorrow when I try to climb out of bed, all the exercise you put me through tonight."

She laughed again snuggling closer to him resting her arm across his chest. "It's been a good week," she said, with a yawn.

"Yes. Back to reality in two more days," he said, closing his eyes.

She only nodded drifting off to sleep. There was only a little over a month before she'd take the bar exam. She was definitely not looking forward to getting back to reality and a strict study schedule again.

/

The following week seemed to fly by. Josh and Ethan had left Julia in Chicago to finish up their house search. Alicia had enjoyed tagging along one afternoon once Julia had narrowed her search down to a few homes.

On Sunday afternoon Julia asked to have lunch with just Alicia and Will before she flew out. They went to nearby restaurant.

"There's something I wanted to talk to you two about." Julia set her fork aside.

"I want Alicia to be there when I have the baby."

"Really?" Alicia said, a bit surprised.

"Yes, but only if you want to, and if you two think it would be okay," she responded, glancing at Will. "I started thinking about it a few months ago after Alicia told me how much she wished she could remember giving birth to Zach and Grace."

She looked back at Alicia. "I know it wouldn't be the same, but I thought maybe you'd like to experience what it's like to hold a baby just minutes after birth."

Alicia was touched by the offer. Will was too, but he was a little concerned about what might happen if the experience triggered any of her memories of Kate's birth.

As if Julia could read his mind, she continued. "I know how much you struggled with the memories of Kate last month, and I don't want to cause either of you any more pain over that. I don't know how the memory thing works, and I don't want to put you in a situation that would cause more grief. You two will have to decide. I just thought that maybe being there would prompt some of your memories of Grace and Zach. And even if it didn't you're still my best friend Leesh, I'd love to have the support, especially with my mother being gone."

"Thank you. That means a lot to me," Alicia said, reaching across the table to squeeze Julia's hand.

"You don't have to give me an answer today. And I'll support whatever you two think is best. I'm just so glad we'll be near friends, family really, this time. I'll have another woman around for moral support. Josh is great, but he doesn't exactly enjoy shopping for baby clothes, and helping to decide what color to paint the nursery."

They all chuckled. "I can understand his feelings on that," Will added. "I'll make certain I invite him and Ethan over to watch the game while you women go shopping."

"I'd love to be there," Alicia said. "But I think we should talk to the psychologist and get his opinion. If nothing else, Will and I can wait outside the delivery room, and come in after the baby is born."

"Okay, whatever will work best for you."

A few minutes later Julia needed to head to the airport. They briefly embraced, and Julia turned in the direction of her car.

"See you in a few weeks!" she said, enthusiastically waving goodbye.

A broad smile formed on Alicia's lips. "A few weeks," she said, waving back. Will put his arm around her shoulder as they walked in the opposite direction.


	47. Chapter 47

**A/N; Thank you so much for the reviews and new follows in the past week. This chapter wasn't one I had planned for. So when I said there were five or six chapters of this story left, know that's definitely an estimate. I hope everyone has a wonderful week!**

Just after the New Year, Diane had a client who wanted her to run a mock trial of their case to help decide whether taking the case to court or settling was their best option. She proposed to Will that he be opposing council. He'd put up a good fight, and would find any loopholes she may have missed.

Will in turn proposed Alicia be his second chair. She'd helped him prepare for trials, and observed he and Diane in court several times in recent months. And since she wasn't allowed to argue in actual court yet, he thought the experience would be good prep for her once she had passed the bar exam again. There was no doubt in his mind that she would be able to pass the exam, and in a few months time figured she'd be at his side again arguing with him. Something he'd sorely missed in the past year.

Somewhat reluctantly Alicia had agreed to do the mock trial. On the morning of the first day of the trial in early February they entered the courtroom together. There were far more people in the room than Alicia had anticipated. The mock jurors, the judge, several people there to observe, and half a dozen technical personnel to run the cameras, and perform various other duties to record the trial.

Will walked just ahead of Alicia setting his things down on the table to get ready. The further she moved into the room, the more anxious and suffocating it all felt. In the short amount of time it took her to get from the door to the table where Will was, she'd broken out in a cold sweat. It had been months since she'd felt this way in public.

Will was talking but not looking at her as he flipped through a few pages of notes. She didn't hear a word he said.

"Just put your bag here, and sit next to me," he said, finally turning his gaze to her.

She didn't respond, continuing to look around the room at everyone who was preoccupied with their own trial prep.

"You okay?" he asked, turning fully to face her.

She took in a gulp of air. "Ozone," she said, grasping onto his hand, beginning to feel dizzy.

"Leesh," he said, with concern.

"Will, I'm going to be sick. Get me out of here."

He didn't ask any questions. Keeping a hold of her hand, he turned to Diane and told her he'd be back in a few minutes. Once outside the courtroom he led Alicia down the hall and around a corner to an empty jury holding room.

She collapsed against the wall closing her eyes as Will shut the door behind them. She took in a few deep breaths in an attempt to control her racing heart. He moved in front of her placing his hands gently on her hips.

"I don't know if I can do this." Her eyes fluttered open to meet his. "I'm nervous. Look, my hands are shaking. What if I get it all wrong? Ask the wrong questions? Don't come up with the right objections? There are so many people in that room. I felt trapped as soon as we walked in."

She looked away feeling insecure. "What good will it do to take the bar exam again if I can't step more than five feet into a courtroom before feeling like I'm going to pass out?"

He moved closer to her bringing a finger to her chin so she'd look at him. "Leesh, calm down. Just breathe. First of all, there are plenty areas of the law that don't require ever stepping into a courtroom. You're just nervous, and it's okay. I don't want you to feel any pressure. I think you can do this. But I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, and I don't want you to feel like you have to do this just because I asked you to."

"I want to do this. I just don't know if I'm ready. And I don't want to let you down."

He smiled and pressed a quick kiss to her lips. "You could never let me down. This doesn't have to be perfect. I guarantee Diane and I will both make mistakes during this trial. There is no such thing as a flawless argument."

He leaned closer pressing his forehead to hers. "I think you are ready. All the practice and prep we've done in the past few weeks, you've been amazing. But if you don't feel like you can go back in there today, I understand. If you'd rather just come sit next to me, observe, and not say a single word I'm fine with that. This is your decision. I don't ever want you to do something just because you think it's what I want. I only want you to do what you're comfortable with, what you want, okay?"

She nodded, breathing a little easier. "Okay, thank you."

She went back in with him a few minutes later intending to simply observe the proceedings. When they had all returned from lunch Diane was questioning a witness. Alicia realized a few minutes into the questioning that the man was lying about a very obscure detail in his testimony. But it was something that could possibly tear Diane's case apart if the prosecution caught onto it in a real trial.

She thumbed through her notes to double check her hunches, and then leaned over to show Will.

He furrowed his brow. "Where did you find that?" he whispered.

"It was in something I read yesterday. Does Diane know he's lying?"

He sighed. "I doubt it. She can't take this case to trial if it's true."

"Unless the CEO has an explanation for it," Alicia added.

Will nodded. "If he doesn't we're in trouble. He's up next. I'll have to question him on it."

"Let me do it," she said, looking him in the eye.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," she smiled confidently.

He leaned closer to her so no one would hear him. "Okay, but be prepared. Diane is going to object when you bring it up, probably more than once because she doesn't know about it. Don't let her objections get under your skin. Just present the evidence, and don't go off point. Stick to short concise questions just like we practiced. And,"

"Will, stop. You're just making me nervous," she whispered back, cutting him off.

"Right, sorry," he said, squeezing her hand beneath the table.

Alicia began with simple questions, but as things went on Diane did begin to object. The first couple of objections did muddle her up for a minute, but after that she got into a good rhythm. For the next thirty minutes Will sat back and watched, enjoying every second of it. The CEO had some good answers to some of her questions, others not so much. By the time Alicia sat back down Diane knew she'd need more than they had to win this case.

Back at the office Will went to Diane's office to discuss another case.

"Why didn't you tell me about Robert?" she asked.

"I didn't know about it until five minutes before Alicia started questioning. She'd read something about it in all the documents yesterday."

Diane smiled. "Well I'm glad she caught it. We can work around it, but we need to be prepared. And this might be enough to convince the CEO to settle instead of getting into a long drawn out trial."

Her gaze turned towards Alicia's office. "You prepped her well. If I hadn't known better, I never would have guessed that for her this was practically her first time arguing in court."

"I can't take much credit. You know as well as I do that no matter how much you prep, practice and experience are the only things that make you good at being a trial lawyer. But she's always had a knack for it. Even in law school she could hold it together better than any of the rest of us in mock court. I'd get up, fumble all over my words, and forget some of the better points of the case, not Alicia. She stood up and barely missed a beat, perfectly articulating her thoughts, and find some way to make up for the points I'd forgotten. We lost that trial, but the professor gave her an A anyway."

"Well, she clearly hasn't lost the knack. I'd still say she's one of the best legal minds I've ever come across."

He chuckled. "That's definitely one point I can't argue against."

"Is there anything else I can do to help her get ready for the exam?" In the previous few weeks Diane had spent a few hours a week helping Alicia with some of the bar prep.

"I don't think so. She's going to take a practice exam on the weekend, and then we'll know if there's anything she needs to brush up on."

"Is she nervous about it?" Diane asked.

Will glanced towards Alicia's office. He could see her through the open door, pen in hand, a look of deep concentration on her face. "Yes. It's been a lot to learn in a few short months. But if anyone can do it it's her." The exam was only three weeks away.

"If I could convince her she just needs to pass, not get a perfect score, maybe she wouldn't be so nervous. But you know her. She doesn't put less than a hundred-percent into anything that matters."

Diane nodded. "No, she doesn't."

* * *

Two weeks later early in the evening Alicia walked into Will's office, setting a change of clothes for him right on top of the work he was doing. His eyes met hers as she leaned over his desk stealing a quick kiss.

"We're leaving in fifteen minutes. You need to be changed and ready to go." She turned around to walk back out of his office.

"Where are we going?" he called after her, glancing at the pair of jeans, and more casual dress shirt she'd placed in front of him.

"Out. Just get changed," she said, exiting his office.

His eyes followed her down the hall until she was out of sight. He smiled moving the pile of clothes off his papers to clean up for the night. He was excited and curious to know what she had planned. She used to do this periodically, usually when they'd been swamped at work and hadn't had any time alone together. She'd come into his office insist they were leaving and treat him to an impromptu date. Which on many occasions, meant a late dinner at any restaurant they could still find open.

He smiled at the memories now as he stood from his desk to go get changed. They'd had some pretty interesting meals on some of those occasions. Everything from very authentic Chinese food, to deli sandwiches they'd picked up at a market clear across town because he'd missed their exit off the freeway. Of course missing the exit that night had been her fault, he thought to himself. She'd been the one mercilessly distracting him in the car.

But tonight it was only a little after six. He was curious to see what she had planned for them.

Alicia held a tight grasp on his hand as they continued to descend down the concrete stairs of the United Center arena. The Chicago Bulls were playing a home game. Will was excited. It had been over a year since he'd been to a game, despite the fact that the firm held season tickets.

"Leesh, our seats are one section over," he said, trying to coax her in the other direction.

She quickly glanced at him, pulling his hand to follow her. "Not tonight," she said, handing him the two tickets she held.

He continued to follow her registering exactly where their seats were. "Leesh, these are on the front row." He glanced down a few rows to where their seats were. "Right behind the bench!" he said enthusiastically.

She chuckled. "I know."

He pulled her to a stop again two rows away from their seats. She turned and looked at him. "How did you get these? Those seats are reserved for...not people like us."

She'd been keeping the secret from him for an entire day. It had been difficult because she knew how excited he'd be once she told him how she'd come by the tickets. "Sit down and I'll tell you,"

Once seated, she leaned closer to him so he would be able to hear her over the noise of the crowd. "I got a call from Gary Fillman yesterday afternoon while you were in court." She raised a knowing brow at him. Fillman was the general manager for the NBA team.

Will's eyes grew wide with enthusiasm. "No!" he said, in near shock. He hoped she was about to confirm what he'd been hoping for weeks.

"Yes!" She took his hands into hers. "Fillman and his team were impressed with us when we met with them. They liked how enthusiastic, yet how blatantly honest we were. They decided to hire us as the team's general counsel," she said, enthusiastically.

Will was speechless. A few months prior he'd heard the NBA team was looking for new representation. He'd admitted to Diane and Alicia how much he'd like to add sports law to his list of specialties. Not to mention the large sum of money an NBA team would bring to the firm. He figured it was a long shot, but sent in a proposal anyway and Lockhart, Gardner & Gardner had been invited to come in and pitch for the teams business. While Will thought that he and his two partners had done a good job at the meeting, he still figured there was no way the team would go with them. Yes, they were one of Chicago's leading firms, but they weren't known nationally.

Alicia continued. "As a token of appreciation Fillman sent over the tickets for tonight's game." She leaned a little closer to him. "And by the way, he wants all the paper work sent over by the end of the week to make it official."

"I can't believe it," he said, feeling like he'd just won the lottery.

Alicia tightened her grasp on his hand, and leaned in to whisper in his ear. "Congratulations my love. You did it!" She was proud of him. She knew how badly he'd wanted this. She and Diane may have been in the meeting with Fillman, but the pitch had been all Will. They'd gotten to the end of that meeting, and even Diane had been in awe at his performance. It had been like watching him in court at the top of his game. Talking sports and covering the various elements of agents, contracts, and liability with some of the top in the sports industry seemed to come naturally for him.

A broad smile crossed his lips. "You could have told me yesterday."

She giggled. "I could have. But surprising you like this was more fun!"

They had a good time at the game. The seats were incredible, and the Bulls won the game.

Afterwards, Alicia proposed they celebrate, and took him to one of his favorite restaurants. It warmed Alicia's heart to see him so happy. The wide grin slapped over his face never disappeared the entire evening.

After they ate, Will was having such a good night he didn't want it to end. So he drove Alicia to a quiet spot in the hills near their house with a great view of the city.

"The view is remarkable up here," she said, gazing out the front window of the car. "How did you even know this was here? It's in the middle of a neighborhood, but you can't really see it from the main road."

He chuckled. "One night a few weeks after we moved into the new house we couldn't get Zach to sleep. He was so tired he just cried and cried. Once we determined he wasn't sick I suggested we take him for a ride in the car." His gaze met hers. "Honestly, I couldn't take the crying any longer and I was desperate. He always fell asleep in the car so I thought it was worth a try."

"We'd been so busy getting the firm running, settling into the new house, and everything else we hadn't had much time to explore the neighborhood. So we loaded him into the back seat and drove. You sang him a few songs, and about fifteen minutes later he finally fell asleep."

"I sang to him?" she asked skeptically. "I can't sing."

He laughed reaching for her hand. "Well, you won't be singing professionally any time soon. But your versions of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, and Hush little baby are pretty good."

She couldn't help but laugh under her breath at the comment. "I can't even picture it." She leaned back in the seat staring out at the view for a moment trying to imagine herself singing to the kids.

He ran his thumb gently over her fingers. "I loved listening to you sing to our babies, even if it was a bit off key."

She chuckled again. "Why was I singing to him? You're the one who can sing and...play the...guitar." Her surprised gaze met his. It took a few seconds for her words to register meaning in both of them. She furrowed her brow. "Wait, do you play the guitar?"

He was still processing the fact that she knew that. It had been a few years since he'd gotten the guitar out. He wasn't even certain if the instrument was buried at the back of his closet, or in the basement somewhere.

She spoke up again before he could respond. "You do don't you?" she said, surprised at how certain she felt. "And I know that because..." She looked out the window as though staring at the distant skyline would somehow wield a confirming memory.

He waited anxiously for her answer.

"I just know," was the only logical response she could come up with. Her eyes met his hopeful gaze again. "Am I right?" She wondered feeling doubtful for a moment.

He leaned in closer, his warm hands moved to her arms. "Yes, you're right," he said, softly. "But I haven't gotten it out for a long time. I used to play for you a lot. Then the kids came along. They liked singing with me. And then...I don't know...my father passed away. He's the one who taught me how to play. For a while after his death whenever I thought about getting the guitar out it made me sad so I just...didn't do it anymore."

She placed her hand on his cheek. "I'd love to hear you play sometime."

He nodded just as her lips brushed against his. He deepened the kiss for a few lingering moments.

"Tell me again why I was the one singing that night in the car, instead of you," she breathed against his ear a few moments later.

"I was the one driving that night." His lips found a sensitive spot on her neck. An audible moan escaped her lips.

"That's a lame excuse," she mumbled, enjoying the attention his lips were giving her.

"Yes," he hummed. "But I did find this great look-out spot."

"And did we do this that night?" Her lips finding his again, she pressed her body as close to his as she could maneuvering around the console in between them.

"No. But there have been - other - occasions where we've done this." He pressed his lips more firmly and wanting against hers, running his fingers through her hair.

"Leesh, let's go home," he said, a few lingering moments later. They both wanted to take things further, but the bed was much more alluring than the car.

She nodded, as he let go of her to start the car back up.

Later, they lay tangled together in bed talking and laughing. Alicia turned to him running her fingers through his hair. "What was it like before the kids came along?" she asked.

"You mean before we had to be responsible?" They both chuckled.

"Yes. I love the kids. I love our life now. But what did we do before family movie, and game nights became our fun?"

He laid his head back on the pillow and stared up at the ceiling. "We worked - a lot. But it was like tonight in many ways. If there was a game or a show we wanted to go see we'd just do it. We spent lazy Sunday mornings in bed." He met her gaze again. "Then I'd sit at the bar in the kitchen and watch you make breakfast for us wearing nothing but one of my shirts. Sometimes we'd go explore the city." He sighed. "You even convinced me to go to some of the art museums with you. Surprisingly I didn't hate every minute of it."

She giggled lightly, closing her eyes snuggling closer to him. "Hmm," she breathed. "I'll have to remember that."

It occurred to him in that moment that she didn't know a life with him that didn't involve the kids. She couldn't remember a time where she'd been an adult and actually been able to experience the freedom of it. Yes, there were always responsibilities, but she didn't know what it was like to only be responsible for herself, free from her parents rules, free from the responsibility she took over Owen. She'd had a few memories come back from college, and their lives before Grace and Zach. But that wasn't the same as experiencing it. He felt for her. In her world she'd gone from High school junior, to mother of two in a matter of moments.

He turned onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow, and looked at her again. "You're not asking because you want to now what we did before the kids came along are you? You're asking because you want to know what it was like without the responsibility of being a parent."

She opened her eyes again, and reached her hand to his arm. "It's not that I don't love them. I just...tonight was fun. For a few hours it was just you and me. And I didn't even think about the kids until we brought them up in the car. And I wondered what it must have been like to experience that feeling of...freedom day after day. I don't even know that freedom is the right word for it. I wouldn't change the way things are now. I just wish I could remember more from those years before the kids came along. I don't even know if that makes sense."

"It makes sense." He leaned closer to her. "It's sort of like being on vacation without the kids. Like when we went to D.C." A plan started formulating in his mind. "I'll tell you what. Sometime in the next year I'll take you somewhere for a really long vacation. We can go wherever you want, do whatever you want, and pretend we don't have work, and kids, and other responsibilities." He wrapped his arm around her. "I know I can't give you all of those years back, but it might fun to pretend we're twenty-something again right?"

She smiled, bringing her hand to his cheek. "Yes, it would be fun."

"Good. Then decide where you want to go and we'll go."

"Okay, I will." She pressed her warm lips to his one more time before they settled back down to go to sleep.


	48. Chapter 48

Alicia didn't go into work the day before the bar exam. "There are a few things I want to go over before tomorrow. It will be quiet here," she told Will, early in the morning while he got ready for work.

"Just don't study all day. Take a break. Go to lunch with your mom or something."

She laughed out loud. "Seriously? Go to lunch with my mother? I don't need her to add to my stress today. Anyway, she wants to have lunch on Friday. She said she had something _important_ she needed to talk to me about." She kissed his cheek before moving towards the bathroom to shower.

He reached for her arm. "Okay, but I mean it Leesh. It won't do you any good to study all day. You know everything you need to. Your mind needs a rest before tomorrow."

She knew he meant well, but maybe because of the extreme amount of pressure she felt, his _advice_ seemed more like something her father would have said to her in high school.

"I won't. I have plenty of things that need to get done around the house." She folded her arms across her chest. "Now go to work. You're going to be late for your meeting."

He nodded, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek before leaving her alone in their room.

She slumped against the wall, glancing towards the bathroom, and back to the bed. With the house empty she decided to climb back under the soft warm blankets for awhile. Her stomach had been in knots for two days from all the pressure she felt to do well on the bar exam. She'd studied, she'd done great on the practice exam, but she was admittedly terrified to take the real exam over the following two days.

Will came home from work around five-thirty. "Where's your mom?" he asked Zach, who was getting himself a drink in the kitchen.

Zach's lips curved into a slight smile. "She's upstairs stressing over the different types of contracts."

Grace entered the kitchen. "Dad, Mom said we could get a dog, and have ice cream for dinner tonight." The ten-year old stood next to her brother and grabbed a few grapes from the fruit bowl.

"And when I was up there a few minutes ago she said my new bedtime could be ten-thirty."

He chuckled, putting his hands in his pockets. "Nice try guys. But remember that she and I both have a vote and veto power. No dog. You can have ice cream after dinner. And we can discuss a later bedtime, but not until after she's taken that exam."

The kids shared a look and shrug of the shoulders. "It was worth a try," Zach said.

"Maybe we can get both of them to agree to a dog the next time they're both sick and delirious." Grace laughed, popping another grape into her mouth. The two turned to go into the other room.

"Yeah, that shouldn't be too hard. They kiss all the time. We'll just have to wait until one of them gets sick again and passes their germs to the other one." Zach raised his hand to high-five his sister.

Will just chuckled, shaking his head, following after them. At times like this he was especially grateful he had Alicia on his side "Is your mom really so distracted with studying that she agreed to get a dog?"

"Oh yeah! Go up there and try to talk to her. She'll agree to anything you want," Zach said, flopping down on the couch. "She even said I could get a sports car when I get my license."

Will couldn't help but laugh. "The only person in this house buying a sports car will be me. There is no way I'm going to allow either of you to drive around expensive cars when you first have your licenses."

"What if Mom wants to buy a sports car?" Grace said, continuing the banter.

"Your mom has a good job. If she wants to buy a sports car she's more than welcome to. Now, if either of you still have homework to do get it done. We're going to dinner in thirty-minutes."

The two both laughed under their breaths. "Okay, whatever you say." Zach said.

"What's so funny?" Will asked.

"That you think Mom will be ready to go to dinner in thirty-minutes."

Will didn't reply. Instead, he headed upstairs. When he opened the door to their room the image of her sitting there without makeup, her hair pulled up in a loose bun on top of her head, her chosen attire of sweats, and the papers spread out all around her, took him back to their college days. This was a scene he'd become very familiar with in the days before finals.

He now had a better idea of what the kids had been talking about. Despite the fact that she'd been headed for the shower when he left for work, there was no evidence that she'd actually taken one.

He laughed under his breath as he closed the door and made his way to the bed. She glanced up at him over the rim of her glasses as he flopped down on the bed in front of her, sending some of her papers flying to the floor. A smile slapped across his face he took the book out of her hands and closed it.

"Hey," she said, playfully. "I need that. And you just made a mess of my notes!"

He chuckled. "You're right, I'm sorry. But you're done studying for now. I came home early to take you and the kids to dinner so you wouldn't have to cook tonight. And when I walked in the door the kids regaled me with stories about how you agreed to getting a dog, and buying Zach a sports car."

"No, I didn't. They came and told me about school, and then..." She sighed. "Come to think of it, I did say yes a few times. But I was distracted."

"Mmhm." He moved closer to her gently removing her glasses. "Please tell me you've done something besides sit here and study all day."

She rolled her eyes, which only made him laugh. "I have. I got all the laundry done, cleaned the kitchen, and vacuumed downstairs." she said, in her defense. "Remind me again why we bought such a big house?"

He just chuckled. "Did you remember to eat anything today?" he asked, skeptically.

She giggled with a sigh. "Does coffee count?"

He shook his head. "No. Some habits never cease."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, it's just that you don't eat when you're stressed. Get dressed so we can go. And there won't be any more studying in this house tonight. You need to relax before tomorrow."

His last comments rubbed her the wrong way. She didn't know that filling up on coffee and not eating was a habit of hers when she was stressed. The reason she hadn't eaten all day was because her stomach had been in knots. And although she was hungry now, she felt like he was treating her a little bit like a child. Making plans and just assuming those plans were what she would want or need.

"But Will," she protested, reaching for her glasses.

He rolled off the bed to prevent her from grabbing them. "No Leesh. This is just like it was in college. I know how you are the day before a big exam. If I don't insist you take a break, you'll study until you can't think straight anymore, and get all stressed out because you can't remember something you read thirty-minutes ago. There is such a thing as studying too much, and you're the expert."

"Will, I need to go over a few things one more time." She climbed off the bed placing her hands on her hips. "And what if I don't want to get dressed and go out?"

He backed up placing the glasses on the dresser, and captured her in his arms.

He'd been trying to make the mood light, trying to be playful with her, but it was becoming clear she wasn't in the mood. "I'm sorry. If you don't want to go out, we don't have to. We'll order food in. But Leesh, I really don't think you need to study anymore. Relax and clear your head for awhile. You're ready for this. Studying at this point is only going cause you more stress. The more stress you're under the greater your chances of getting a migraine are. The last thing you need tomorrow is a migraine."

Defeated only because she knew he was probably right she sighed leaning against him resting her head on his chest. "You really think I'm ready?"

"Yes. I know you are."

"I'm just...so nervous about the whole thing." She looked up into his eyes. "I don't know what to expect. I don't remember ever taking a college exam. And tomorrow I'm supposed to take one of the most important exams of my life. So you can understand how I might be feeling like a fish out of water here."

He furrowed his brow. "I...guess I hadn't thought of it like that."

"No you didn't. I wouldn't expect you to. It's just that sometimes you and everyone else forget that I don't remember a lot of the life experiences I went through to get here. That pressure is really overwhelming sometimes. How did you feel when you went to take your first college final?"

"I was pretty nervous," he admitted.

"Now imagine if that final were the bar exam, and the only time you spent in a classroom preparing for it was a three week crash course on the exam itself. Everything else you needed to know you had to study on your own."

"Leesh, if you want more time to prepare you can wait and take it in July. No one would think any less of you."

She shook her head. He wasn't quite getting it. "Will, I don't want more time. I want to get this over with. All I'm saying is that I'm extremely nervous about the whole thing. And because I am, I'm not in the mood to go out tonight, okay?"

He pulled her in closer to his warm body. "Okay. I'm sorry. You're right, I do forget the amnesia sometimes. I know it's not easy. I understand how it could be nerve-racking. What can I do to help?"

Finally her lips curved upwards. "I need you to be funny and charming like you are so often and not talk about the exam anymore. I know you're right about taking a break and I won't study more tonight. I just need you to distract me. Help me keep my mind off it." She wrapped her arms around his neck.

"So you think I'm funny and charming?" He smiled lovingly at her.

"Yes, very charming, and handsome, and very patient with your crazy wife." She leaned in and pressed a warm kiss to his lips.

"You're not crazy," he said, tightening his grasp around her waist. "You're amazing."

He managed to keep her mind off the exam for the rest of the evening. The kids were disappointed in the change of dinner plans, but couldn't object too much to take-out. Later that night he gave her a good back massage, which helped relax her more. To her surprise she fell asleep pretty quickly, and got a good night sleep.

The following morning, the nerves returned with a vengeance. After the kids had gone to school they stood in the kitchen together. He handed her a cup of coffee.

"Just six hours today, and six hours tomorrow, and this will be over with," she said, with a nervous smile.

He moved in front of her wrapping his arms around her. "You'll do great. Just watch your time on the essay questions during the afternoon session."

She smiled, patting him on the chest, laughing under her breath before setting her coffee down.

"What?"

"It's just no wonder you and my father got along. You talk just like him sometimes. Math was not my favorite subject when I was younger. He used to help me study when Owen and I stayed with him. When I had a math test he'd always tell me to watch my time, and not over think things. You telling me there to keep track of my time reminded of it."

Will nodded. "We should go."

Despite his best efforts to calm her nerves, he could have sensed her stress from a mile away as they drove. She kept a tight grasp on his hand the entire drive.

They pulled up in front of the building at the University of Chicago where the exam was being given. She turned to look at him. "Well, here goes nothing."

He smiled leaning over to give her a warm kiss. "It'll be okay. I love you," he said, squeezing her hand one last time.

"I love you too." She managed to muster a tiny smile for him before getting out of the car.

It was a grueling two days. When she walked out of the building on the second day to meet Will after she'd finished, she felt like she'd done a decent job. But whether it had been enough to pass she wouldn't know for eight weeks.

A few days later they were getting ready to go to a school gathering with the kids. Alicia was going through her jewelry to find a pair of earrings to go with her dress. Finding a pair tucked away in a box, she turned to Will who was doing up his tie.

"Did you give me these? They look expensive. Were they a gift?"

Will looked closer. "They were a gift, but not from me."

"Who besides you would buy me something this expensive? A secret admirer you haven't told me about?" She laughed.

He chuckled, wrapping an arm around her pulling her into him. "No, the only other man who loved you as much as I do gave you those. Your father."

"Really?" She glanced back down at the earrings.

"Yeah. They were his graduation gift to you, along with a loaded visa card. He was so proud of you for getting your law degree, and landing the job you did, he wanted to give you something special."

"The earrings," she commented.

"Yes, but he also knew that because of the firm you'd be working at there would be certain…clothing expectations. And he knew how conservative you'd try to be with all of it. I think he just wanted you to spend a little on yourself for once, and not have to worry about the price tag."

He chuckled again. "You tried to give the card back, telling him it was too much. And honestly I couldn't believe the amount. But he wouldn't take it back. He insisted you deserved it. That you had worked hard for years to graduate at the top of your class, and land the job you did. It made him happy to give those things to you."

She smiled, cupping his face in one hand. "Just like it makes you happy to give me expensive gifts sometimes?" She pressed a kiss to his lips before he answered.

"Yes," he breathed, after they pulled apart.

She looked at the earrings again. "I still miss him sometimes you know?"

"I know."

* * *

The following day they sat down for dinner with the kids, Owen, and Veronica. It had been at Veronica's request they have dinner together. She'd cancelled her lunch with Alicia a few days prior, but insisted there was something she had to tell them that couldn't be said over the phone.

Alicia didn't say much during dinner. She hadn't been in a particularly good mood the entire day, but had managed to convince everyone otherwise. She had days like this where the amnesia and everything else seemed to be overwhelming. She was very conscious of the fact that she'd had more frequent moments, and even days like this in recent weeks.

Tonight she wasn't in the mood to talk or ask questions about things she couldn't remember that others mentioned. When she was done eating she sat back, wine glass in hand, only half listening to the conversation at the table.

"You're quiet tonight,' Will leaned over and whispered, as the kids reminded Veronica of some of the truly inappropriate non age appropriate gifts she'd given them when they were younger.

Alicia only nodded at Will, taking a sip of her drink.

"You okay?" He reached his hand under the table and placed it gently on her leg.

"Yeah,"

Will wasn't completely convinced, but didn't push her on it.

A few minutes later the kids excused themselves and went upstairs for awhile with a promise from Will that they could all play a game once dinner had been cleaned up.

The adults talked a few minutes longer, but tired of the seemingly endless discussions from the past that she couldn't really participate in, Alicia reached for Will's plate. "Let's get the dishes cleared away," she said, standing.

"Wait Alicia," Veronica said. "There's something I want to tell all of you before we clean up."

"Okay," she sighed, sitting back in her chair folding her arms.

Veronica sat up a little straighter, reaching for her glass of wine. "I'm getting married. Bill asked me a few weeks ago, and I said yes."

There were a few brief seconds of silence.

"Congratulations Mom! Bill is a great guy," Owen said.

"Yes, Congratulations," Will said. "Have you made many plans yet?"

"'A few,"

Alicia felt differently than the two men. "Are you serious?" she interrupted, narrowing her eyes.

"Of course I'm serious. We're getting married on the eighteenth of April. I want everyone to be there. Bill's daughter is even going to fly in."

"Mom, that's only a month and half away. You barely know him." Everyone's attention rested on Alicia.

Veronica set her glass down and leaned forward from across the table. "Darling, I've spent more time with Bill in the past eight months than I've spent with any other man since your father died."

Alicia took in a deep breath of air before continuing. "Mom, are you sure it's smart to rush into a marriage so quickly? How do you know you're not going get bored with him a month after you get married and decide you want a divorce? It's too soon."

Will and Owen exchanged a look, but stayed out of the conversation.

"Alicia, when you're my age you can't take anything slowly. It doesn't matter, I love him. This relationship is different from my previous ones. And I deserve this! You and Will aren't the only ones who deserve to be happy in a relationship you know? I tried to explain that to you last year, and we all know how well that went." She waved a hand as if to brush it off as nothing.

Alicia wanted to scream, but instead stood moving to the other side of the kitchen. "This has nothing to do with Will and I. As usual you've forgotten the fact that I don't remember the conversation we had last year!" Her tone raised some. "I want you to be happy. I just think a month isn't enough time to plan a wedding. And…it's difficult for me to see you so easily decide who my stepfather will be when you've only known him for a short time?" Maybe it wouldn't have bothered her so much if she hadn't been thinking about her father in the past few days, but she had been.

Her gaze turned to Owen, calming her tone some. "Are you really okay with this, a near stranger taking our fathers place?" she asked, folding her arms across her chest.

"Sis, he's not a stranger. He spent Christmas with all of us. Bill's a great guy. I thought you liked him," Owen countered.

"And your father's been dead for twenty-years now darling. Not to mention we were divorced." Veronica added.

The comment only upset her more. She bit lower lip, looking away from everyone. "Maybe in your world, but not mine."

Will watched as her muscles tensed and the grasp on her arms tightened. He was beginning to understand why she was upset. He got up from the table and moved next to her.

"Leesh," he reached for her arm.

"Darling, why are you so upset?" Veronica asked.

"Why?" She shook her head. "Because I'm tired of everyone overlooking the fact that I don't remember half of my life! Yes, Dad died twenty years ago. But you seem to brush aside the idea that my life as I know it right now was like going into a coma at age sixteen, and waking up a year ago. The reason this upsets me, is because in my world Dad died ten months ago. Not a year ago, not twenty years ago."

She pulled away from Will, her tone raised some again. "I'm still getting used to the idea that he's gone. And now you want to replace him with someone we barely know. It may not be fair, but that's what this is like for me. I'm just asking that you wait a little longer before you jump into marriage."

"Leesh, I don't think she's trying to replace your father," Will said, calmly.

Veronica stood. "That's right I'm not. But I'll tell you what's going on here. She doesn't trust my judgment. She still blames me for divorcing her father, and in her mind there will never be another man who can compete with him." Veronica moved next to Will. "Except for you of course." She patted Will on the shoulder lightly.

Will sighed heavily. Alicia rolled her eyes. Owen stood to join them.

Alicia spoke up again. "That's not true!" She shook her head. Tired of the discussion, and feeling like no one understood how she was feeling, she turned and headed for the door to the garage.

"Leesh," Will called after her. He and Owen followed right behind her.

She grabbed her coat and the car keys off the hook in the small entryway, ignoring both men.

"Where are you going?" Will asked.

"I don't know Will. I need to clear my head," she said, in frustration. She closed the door behind her before he could say anything else.

The kids had been listening from upstairs when they'd heard the raised voices from the kitchen. As soon as Alicia closed the door Zach ran down the stairs, Grace right behind him.

"Dad, you can't let her go!" he said, panicked, coming to an abrupt stop in front of his father.

"Zach, she needs some space."

"But Dad, she's mad, and it's snowing. It's just like last year. What if she gets into another accident?" Grace protested, nearly in tears.

He put a hand on Grace's shoulder, and one on Zach's. "It's a light snow. She'll be fine, okay? You guys come help us clean up the dinner."

"No!" Zach said, pulling out of his grasp opening the door to the garage. "You never should have let her go last year. If you're not going to stop her now, I will."

Trying to digest what Zach said, gauging more fully the kids' obvious fear, he pushed past Zach, and caught Alicia just as she got to the end of the driveway.

Reluctantly, she put the car in park and rolled the window down.

"Let me come with you," he reached inside the car for her hand.

She blew out a breath of air. "Why, because you don't trust my driving, just like she doesn't trust my judgment?" It came out angry and bitter. These periodic outbursts that could quickly escalate into a full blow argument still caught him off guard when it happened. It was a side effect of her head injury.

He took in a deep breath to keep his own temper under control. "No Leesh. You know I trust you," he said calmly. "The kids are scared to death that you're going to get into another accident."

She furrowed her brow.

"The dark, the snow, you're upset," he said, hoping she'd understand.

She nodded, turning the engine off, and got out of the car. Taking his hand she started towards the sidewalk. "Let's walk," she hinted, tilting her head in the direction she wanted to go. Despite the overwhelming emotions flooding her, it wasn't Will she was upset with.

He briefly glanced back to the house. Owen and Zach were just inside the garage. Owen nodded at Will, giving him a thumbs up, and led Zach back into the house.

They walked in silence for a few minutes, the light snow falling all around them. She pulled her hood up over her head, and reached to take his warm hand again.

Will wanted her to feel like she had some space, waiting patiently for her to lead the conversation when she was ready to talk.

A few blocks from the house, she squeezed his hand tightly and finally spoke up. "I'm sorry for yelling at you back there."

They walked a few more steps before she began again. "There have been several times in the past year when I've wondered where I'd be if I didn't have you." Her gaze remained fixed on the houses down the street in front of them. "It terrifies me to even consider the idea. I couldn't ask for anyone better to be my husband, and the father of my children. I wouldn't change the life we have if given the chance. But sometimes because of the amnesia I get very frustrated."

"It's understandable," he responded.

"There are times where I feel very alone and out of place because no one truly understands what this is like for me. Sometimes you and others seem to forget that many aspects of my life are still very new for me. I don't like faking my way through things like I had to in that meeting with Sweeney on Friday." She'd had to meet with Colin Sweeney alone on Friday, and he kept bringing up things from three years ago that she had no context for.

She sighed. "I don't like feeling like I'm the center of attention. Last night at the kids school was difficult. There are those parent's who know what happened to me, and they treat me like any other person. But there were also those parent's who don't know what to do or say when they find out, or suddenly remember, and looked at me with pity the rest of the night."

She stopped walking and turned to face him. "I realize there's not much I can do about those people. And it probably shouldn't bother me, but it did last night. I know you don't expect me to be perfect. I know you don't mind telling me about our past. But it gets old sometimes. When I woke up in that hospital bed I didn't know how to be a wife, or a mother, but I was expected to just jump right back into those rolls without any guidance as to how to do it. You and Diane have taught me all the technicalities to being a lawyer. I can write a damn good opinion, and bring a witness to his knees in a deposition. But I don't really know how to be a lawyer. All of those things are learned by experience. I am learning." A few tears formed in her eyes.

He moved closer to her taking her other hand into his. "I know. And you're doing an amazing job with all of it."

More tears trickled down her cheeks. "Will," it came out as a sob. "I'm tired of it. I'm tired of trying to live in a past that I can't remember, tired of trying to live up to everyone's expectations. You told me months ago that you don't have expectations, and that you want me to be whoever I want to be. But that doesn't mean I don't still feel the pressure."

She sighed heavily. "It's not really that I don't want Mom to marry Bill. Surprisingly I do think he's a decent guy with his head screwed on straight. But I do think she should wait longer. It just hurts. It hurts because I miss my father, and I don't remember the last few times I was with him." The tears were flowing freely.

"I feel like I've been robbed of the experience of hugging him for the last time. Robbed of the memories of our marriage, the kids' births, all of the experiences that got us through eighteen-years of marriage. I know I can always talk to you, and I'm so grateful for that. But I wish there was someone I could talk to who's been through this. Someone who really understands what it's like, someone who could offer up advice, but there isn't anyone. There are no support groups. There aren't any blogs, or message boards I can follow because my experience is so rare."

Continuing to cry she leaned in resting her head against his chest. "I don't want to deal with it anymore. I just want it to go away. It hurts so much Will," she sobbed.

The snow continued to fall all around them. He wrapped her up in his arms more securely. "Leesh, I would do anything to make this easier for you. I'm sorry if I haven't done the right things, said the right things. I'm doing the best I can."

"I know. You've been wonderful. And I don't mean to complain." She looked back into his eyes. "I just..." Unable to get the tears under control she didn't finish.

"I know," he said, pulling her close again. He knew he couldn't fully understand how she felt. It crushed him to think about the ache in her heart that must never seem to quite go away. The fear the sadness she must feel at times. It was the loneliness she'd described that really hit him in the gut. It made perfect sense. He'd done his best to ensure she never feel alone. But he realized in that moment that he'd never be able to keep her from feeling that loneliness deep inside of her."

As he stood there holding her he thought about how in a few short days it would be one year since her accident. This was their life now. She was right. It was time to stop living in the past and start living in the present. It was time to make new memories, stop trying to get her to catch up to her old life as fast as they could. He needed to give her the space to grow into her rolls as a wife, and mother, and lawyer again in her own time. She had to become her own person again, not the woman everyone expected. Not the woman she used to be.

A few minutes later her tears lessened, and she looked back into his eyes. He brushed some of the light flakes of snow off her hood.

"I'm cold, and you're probably freezing. Let's go home," she said.

"Only if you want too."

Nodding, she took his hand and turned in the direction of their house. "I want too."

They began walking again. "When we get home why don't you head upstairs? I can handle everyone. Then maybe later we can watch a movie, or," he paused, bringing them to a stop. She glanced up at him. "I'm sorry,"

She furrowed her brow. "For what?"

"For telling you what we're going to do, instead of asking you what you want."

"It's okay. I don't always mind the suggestions."

"Okay, but tonight I want you to tell me what you want."

Her lips curved upwards. Her eyes looked a little less sad. "I will."

As they neared the house she remembered the reason he'd come out to prevent her from leaving alone. "I feel awful for frightening the kids,"

"It's not all your fault. I got the impression that Zach, and maybe Grace, blame me for what happened last year." He sighed. "He's not totally wrong. But I think we need to talk to them. There may be some underlying issues there we aren't aware of."

Alicia pulled up the sleeve to her coat to look at the time on her watch. "It's a good idea, but probably not tonight. It's getting late. Let's talk to them tomorrow after dinner."

When they got home Owen was distracting the kids with a game. Veronica had gone. Once the game was over, the kids went up to bed. Alicia walked Owen to the door.

"Sis,"

"Owen, I know. I will go see Mom, talk to her, and we can all get back to normal. Whatever that is."

"She didn't mean to hurt you. She just...she doesn't think sometimes before she says stuff,"

Alicia wrapped her arms around his neck for a tight hug. "I know. It will be okay." She pulled away. "Thank you for staying with the kids tonight."

He smiled, and opened the door. "You have great kids Alicia," he said, sincerely. "Now the best uncle of the century is going to leave!"

She giggled giving him one last hug before closing the door.

That night she snuggled against Will. His arm wrapped tightly around her. "Thank you for making me hot cocoa tonight." She tilted her head to kiss his cheek.

"You're welcome. Are you warmer now?"

"Yes."

"Leesh, we didn't really talk about any solutions for everything earlier."

"I know. I need time to think about everything. It was helpful to get all of it out in open. But I don't want to talk about it anymore tonight."

"Just promise me you'll tell me if there's something I can do to help?"

"I will, thank you."

"I'm going to find somebody for you to talk to. There has to be someone out there who's been through something similar. I don't know how we'll find that person, but I won't give up until we do." She knew he meant it, feeling abundantly grateful for him in that moment.

She propped herself up on her elbow and looked at him. "Okay. I want to have some new photos taken of us and the kids. And tomorrow I'm going to start cleaning out my office."

For a second he was worried that meant she didn't want to work at their firm anymore.

"I want to rearrange a few things, go through the books on the shelves and the files in my cabinets. I may need you to help me sort through some of it so I don't get rid of things I might need. I'm going to take down all the personal photos, and change some of the art on my walls. I think I'd feel more comfortable at work if I felt like I had more ownership over it. This may sound crazy, but sometimes when I'm in there I feel like I'm borrowing the space from someone else for the day. I want to fill it with new photos. Pictures of things I can remember." She laced her fingers with his.

"I think that's a great idea. Do you want to do the same here?" He wanted her to feel comfortable at home as well.

"There might be a few things, but not much. I don't feel out of place here. I'm very comfortable here." She leaned over kissing him warmly on the lips.

After setting comfortably against him again, she placed her hand on his chest. "Although, maybe when you and I take our trip we could find some crazy new piece of art, or furniture, or something to come home with,"

He chuckled, not seeing, but knowing there was a wide grin on her face. "Have you come up with a destination yet?"

"No, but when I do, you'll be the first person to know."

 **A/N; Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing! I hope everyone has a great week!**


	49. Can't Keep My Mind off You

**A/N; Just a few things. There is a more m rated part at the beginning and end of this chapter. Just skip those parts if you don't want to read it. Also if any of you have someplace in mind you think they should take their trip let me know. I have a few ideas, but nothing I'm super excited about.**

 **I've had a few of you ask if I'm going to write another story after this one. Yes! I've had one ready to go for months, but I didn't feel like I could do this one and that one justice if I tried to write them at the same time.**

 **This is a super long chapter, I hope no one minds. Thank you all for continuing to read, and sending me your thoughts!**

Will had just finished settling an argument between the kids, and sent them off to school. Now he stood at the breakfast bar, coffee mug in hand, watching Alicia pace about the kitchen while talking to her mother on the phone. It had been two days since the family dinner where Veronica had announced her engagement. Alicia was trying to mend the fences.

"Mom, I am sorry. I do like him."

Will was completely distracted by her, but not because of the phone conversation. It was one of those days, and he couldn't keep his eyes off her. His mind was unraveling. The way her tailored, deep plum outfit hugged and accentuated all her curves, and the new haircut she'd gotten a week earlier, made it difficult for him to concentrate on anything else. As she turned again the morning sunlight briefly reflected off the diamond earrings and silver necklace she wore against her porcelain skin. He took in a deep breath of air picturing her in nothing but the jewelry.

It had been nearly a week since they'd made love to each other. No, he thought to himself as he watched her continual pacing from across the room, they'd made love the night after she'd finished the bar exam. That had still been five days ago, and on a day like today it was far too many.

Moments later, her eyes met his. His stare wasn't immediately understood. The instance their eyes met she looked down briefly thinking she'd spilt something on her clothes. When she glanced back up at him he was half way to her, the wanting gleam in his eyes obvious. A few more strides, placing one hand on her hip, brushing her hair back with his other, he pressed soft wet kisses along her neck.

She smiled, gently pushing him away in order to keep her attention focused on her conversation.

Will wasn't going to let it go that easily. Moving behind her, he wrapped one arm around her thin waist, brushing her hair back once again to gain access to her bare skin.

When his lips made contact with the sensitive spot just below her ear, her hand tightened on his. She inhaled attempting to keep a moan from escaping her lips.

"Mom, I need to get to work. We can talk more at lunch."

Will smiled in between kisses as Alicia hung up and turned to face him.

"How am I supposed to have a decent conversation when you do things like that to me?" she said, playfully, leaning in to kiss his lips before he could answer.

"Mm, you're not," he responded, wrapping his arms securely around her waist pulling her closer to his warm body. She raised a brow to him as soon her body pressed against his. He returned the look, as his hands traveled to her breasts.

"Will, we have work," she said, her breath catching, tilting her head back slightly as he moved in to kiss her neck again. "We don't really have time to..." She moaned as his hands expertly moved to the zipper of her skirt, sliding it down easily.

Sensing she wouldn't object further, he let the skirt slip to the floor. His warm hands wrapped around her. She giggled as he lifted her easily, setting her on the counter. She shivered from the touch of the cold surface beneath her bare skin.

"We'll be quick," he said, a lustful smirk on his lips. His hands moved to his belt. He was beyond ready, and willing to do anything if need be to get her to the same point.

"Right here?" she questioned, in surprise.

He chuckled, as his pants fell to the floor and his hands slowly ran up her thighs to her hips. "Yes, right here."

It occurred to him in that moment that they hadn't made love like this since before her accident. She wouldn't remember the periodic kitchen encounters before work. Or the nights when they'd been out and had gotten home unable to restrain themselves long enough to get to the bedroom. The thought turned him on even more. It would be a new experience for her having him like this.

Her eyes shone slight curiosity, but were full of want as much as he felt. His hands moved to slip off her lacy panties, his fingers reaching for her core. She moaned into his neck at the touch. She was hot and already slick. A satisfied growl escaped his lips. He removed his fingers from her leaning in closer to help her maneuver her way onto him. Wrapping her legs around his waist she sank down onto him using the counter for support.

Her neck arched back as he began to thrust into her. "It's just the right height isn't it?" she breathed, referring to the counter-top, as he began to move faster.

"Yes!" he responded, with a smile. He loved watching her unravel like this.

Moments later as his lips continued an assault on her, having limited ability to control the pace herself she caught his gaze. "Faster," she pleaded.

He obliged, picking up the pace, thrusting into her harder and deeper, his arms wrapped around her for stability. Their lips met each other again, and the kiss deepened as if their lives depended on it. Her arms wrapped more tightly around him pressing her body against his as much as she could. He could feel the firmness of her breasts even through the material of her top. He wasn't going to last much longer.

As if she read his mind in that instance, she broke the kiss, their eyes locked briefly, and then unable to hold back any longer, they both cried out.

Catching their breaths he rested his head against her shoulder. "You're amazing, you know that?" he said.

Breathless, she replied. "You're not too bad yourself. I think I needed that this morning."

He smiled, looking back into her eyes. "Me too."

He gently set her back on the ground. They replaced their missing clothing, and gathered their things for work.

"I'll probably be thinking about that all day," she said.

He chuckled, stealing one last kiss from her. "I hope so," he said, his eyes wandering over her body one more time. "I hope to unravel you again tonight."

"I look forward to it," she said, breathy, running her hand down his tie.

* * *

Shortly after Alicia left for lunch with Veronica, Will got a call from the kids school. Zach had gotten into a fight and punched another boy in the nose during lunch. Surprised to hear this, and skeptical that Zach had been the one to throw the first punch, he drove to the school.

Sitting in the head mistresses office it became clear that Zach had indeed thrown the first punch, but he wasn't willing to tell either adult everything that had gone on leading up to Zach giving the other kid a broken nose. All Zach would say is that the other boy was being obnoxious and said some things that had irritated him.

Zach was suspended from school for the rest of the week. Will assured Mrs. Watson that he and Alicia would handle it, that something like this would not happen in the future, and told her to tell the parents of the other student that they would cover any medical costs that might come up.

Rather frustrated Will didn't say anything to Zach in the first few minutes of their drive after leaving the school. He was still trying to wrap his head around the fact that Zach had initiated a fight. It wasn't like him at all.

"Where are we going?" Zach asked. "This isn't the way home."

"Back to the office. If you think I'm going to leave you home alone after this to screw around the house all afternoon, you're wrong. You can start working on your homework for the next three days in my office."

"Okay,"

Surprised that Zach hadn't objected to the plan, he glanced over to his son.

"Dad, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have punched Matt."

"I'm still trying to figure out why you punched him in the first place."

Zach sighed heavily. "He said some things that made me angry, that's all. I was in a bad mood already, and I overreacted."

"Zach, this isn't just overreacting. What did he say to you that made you so mad?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does. And until you can be honest with me no electronics except for school work." Will met his gaze again. "Mom is not going to be happy about this."

At that comment, looking ashamed, Zach looked down at his hands.

"I know. Why didn't she come with you?"

"She's at lunch with your grandmother. And don't think for one minute if she'd been with me, or come alone, that your punishment would be any less. I ground you for a week. You'll be lucky if she thinks it should be less than two."

They rode in silence for the remainder of the drive.

After instructing Zach to sit on the couch in his office and start on his homework, Will got back to his own work.

Awhile later, hearing the sound of her voice, Will looked up from the brief he was writing to see Alicia coming down the hall towards their offices. Zach must have seen her too.

"Dad, I'll tell you why I punched Matt, but you can't tell Mom."

Will's attention was back on his nearly thirteen-year-old. "Zach, I'm not going to keep secrets from your mother. If you're ready to tell us the truth, I'm calling her in here so she can hear it herself." He stood from his desk and started towards the door.

Zach jumped up from the couch and grabbed Will's arm. "No! If she comes in here I'll tell her the same thing I already told you and Mrs. Watson."

Will was near the end of his rope. Zach's behavior about all of this wasn't making any sense. "You're going to tell both of us - the truth!" Will said, sternly.

"I can't." Zach folded his arms across his chest.

Will's hands moved to his hips. "Yes, you can."

"No, if I do, it will hurt Mom. I'd rather be grounded for a month than to have to tell her what Matt said about her."

Will narrowed his eyes, sensing Zach hadn't meant to let that last bit slip. "What do you mean what he said about her?"

Zach peered around Will to make sure Alicia wasn't headed their way. "Matt's dad is a partner at Winston & Mayer."

Will knew the firm well. They were some of the firm's toughest competitors.

"His dad talked to you and mom last Saturday at the school function. Mark Thompson, do you remember?"

Will had to think for a few moments. "Yeah, I vaguely remember talking to him."

"Matt overheard his Dad telling someone that he thought Mom had no business pretending to be a lawyer. That if she couldn't remember going to law school, or for that matter the cases she worked on a year ago, she shouldn't be allowed to continue to practice. That passing the bar exam again was a poor judgment of what a real lawyer with proper training could do. His dad said he hoped she failed miserably and would end up getting disbarred."

Will could feel the heat rise within him. He was furious.

Zach continued. "Then Matt said his dad thought the only reason they didn't disbar mom was because she was so attractive. And that when any of the disciplinary board members were in court arguing against her, she would just be some good eye candy to keep them awake during a boring trial."

Zach shrugged his shoulders. "I just tried to ignore him at first. You know how you told me to if that kind of thing happened. So I just kept talking to my friends. But then Matt started saying other stuff about her. Like how she must be a dummy now that she couldn't remember anything. And he'd sure like it if mom were a teacher at our school so he would have a little eye candy to stare at all day."

He paused and looked Will right in the eye. "I don't know what happened. It made me so mad I just stood up, walked over to him and punched him in the face. Then he punched me back, and before I could hit him again one of the aids had gotten in between us." He let out a deep breath of air, as if he were relieved. "I'm sorry Dad, I know I shouldn't have hit him, but he was being such a douche."

Will was grinning inside, proud of Zach for standing up for his mother. "Zach, I don't normally condone violence. You know my thoughts on the subject. But..." He exhaled, a slight smile formed on his lips. "Don't tell your mother I said this, but it's probably a good thing you were the one there and not me. I'd probably be in jail right now for breaking his arm. Facing charges of injuring a minor."

Zach smiled some.

"That doesn't mean you aren't still grounded. You are. And we still have to tell Mom what happened."

"But Dad,"

"Zach, it's all right. I'll tell her. She's tough. And one thing she hates almost more than anything is when people lie to her. So we won't lie, Okay?"

"Okay"

"Get back to your homework. I'm going to go see how her lunch went, and then I'll bring her in here to talk to you. She'll probably want you to put more ice on your eye. It's going to be pretty ugly by tomorrow."

Will slowly made his way to Alicia's office. Yes, she was tough. But it never seemed to end. The revelation from Zach was like sticking another thorn in her side. She'd prove herself as a good lawyer again, he was sure of it. But he hated how he wouldn't be able to keep her from the doubtful eyes and thoughts of other lawyers and judges. He hated even more how he wouldn't be able to keep those others mouths shut when she was around.

He paused just outside her door, admiring her for a few moments. His heated feelings for her from earlier hadn't subsided much during the day. But in that moment he didn't want to kiss her to appease his physical urges. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and kiss her to reinforce her feelings of self-worth, and the deep love he held for her.

"How did it go?" he asked, closing the door behind him.

A warm smile met his gaze. "Good I think. I apologized for my behavior Sunday, and we had a good talk. I told her I was happy for her, and that she should marry Bill. It wasn't even a lie!"

He chuckled, sitting across from her.

"We had a good long chat about a lot of things. I asked her about our conversation from last year that led to me not speaking to her. Apparently while we were having lunch that day I shared more of my thoughts on her dating life than I normally do. She accused me, us, of having the perfect life, and marriage, and always shoving it in everyone's faces. Which she admits now wasn't true. She also said that she was worried I was drinking too much, becoming an alcoholic because in her opinion I hadn't looked well for two months. I'd already downed two glasses of wine during lunch and was working on the third. Then she blamed you for letting it happen, all the hours at work and what not. You can about imagine how I must have reacted to all of that at the end of January last year."

He nodded. "Yes, I can. So things are good between you two?"

"Yes. We aren't ever going to see eye to eye on everything. But I feel like things are better between us now than they ever have been."

He was glad for both women. With any luck Veronica getting married again would settle her down some. Bill seemed to have that effect on her. He shifted a bit uncomfortably in his seat. It was time to break the other news to her.

"Leesh, Zach is in my office. He got into a fight at school, and they suspended him for the rest of the week."

"He what?" Her immediate reaction was very similar to his own. She stood from her desk and headed for the door.

"Leesh, wait." Will grasped onto her arm as she passed him.

He stood and led her to the sofa.

"I assume you've already talked to him, and given him a punishment? What was he thinking?"

Will took her hand. "I have talked to him, and I grounded him for a week."

"It should be two. He shouldn't ever hit anyone!"

"We can discuss the punishment. But first I need to tell you why he punched the other kid. He held her gaze. "The other boy was..."

She furrowed her brow at his pause. "Was what?"

"He was repeating some things that he'd heard from his father - about you.'

"About me?" She looked completely confused.

Will explained to her what Zach had told him. She listened carefully. When he had finished, she stood and moved closer to the window without saying anything.

He hated this, seeing the doubt and uncertainty in her. He moved next to her, wrapping an arm across her back "I know this is hard. And I hate the fact that this jerk probably isn't the only one in the legal community thinking it. But Leesh, it's not true. You've already proven that."

Her darkened hazel eyes met his. "Of course it's not true!" Her tone was one of exasperation. "Does it bother me that some of my so called peers are saying, thinking, things like that? Yes! But what irritates me most is that our son had to listen to some it from his own peers." She turned to fully face him. "He and Grace didn't ask for this. It's not their faults that I don't remember everything."

It wasn't the reaction he first thought he'd get from her. She was angry, as angry as he had been. Instead of putting on another layer of self-doubt she'd have to deal with, it seemed to fill her with more determination to prove everyone wrong, and beware the person who dare cross her children.

"Is Zach alright?" she asked, now concerned for her son's well-being more than anything else.

Will rested his hands on her hips. "Yes. He's fine. He's got a black eye, but he'll recover."

She bit her lip shaking her head. "That kid deserved what he got."

Will's lips curved slightly upwards. "I know. But I don't think we can turn this into a huge deal at the school. We'll pay the medical bills if there are any, and let it go. I fear if we make it an issue it will just make things worse for Zach. He's a good kid. I don't think he'll do it again."

She nodded, and leaned in resting her body against him for a minute. He pulled closer hopefully giving her the comfort she needed.

A few minutes later they went back to Will's office. As soon as she saw Zach's swollen eye, she did insist he put ice on it. After they talked for a few minutes, Zach left Will's office to get a snack.

"We still need to talk to he and Grace about Sunday." Will said. They had intended to sit down with the kids the night after Alicia's blowup, but work had intervened and made it impossible.

"Yes, we should talk to them tonight," she said.

Will agreed. They couldn't keep putting it off.

* * *

That night all four of them sat together on the couch. "Are we in trouble?" Grace asked, looking at her parents sitting across from her.

"No, Grace. We just wanted to talk to both of you about a few things." Alicia glanced at Will, and then continued. "I'm sorry if I scared you two when I left the other night. I was frustrated, and I needed some time to think. But I never meant to worry you."

"We know. It's okay Mom," Zach said, slightly guarded.

Will continued. "We wanted to talk to you about some of the things you said to me before I went after Mom. We've asked you two to be honest with us. We know her amnesia hasn't been easy for you guys. But I got the sense the other night that maybe you blame me for what happened to her." Will paused. Both of the kids were looking at him like deer in the headlights.

"I'm not mad at you. I just want to know the truth." Will prodded further.

"I don't blame you. I was just scared when she left because of the snow." Grace said, innocently.

Will nodded, turning his gaze to Zach. The twelve-year-old glanced at Grace then back to his parents. "I guess I do, or I did blame you. You guys always thought we were asleep when you fought late at night. Grace was most of the time."

"But you weren't?" Alicia asked, her stomach turned to mush at the thought of what Zach may have overheard during those months.

"Not always. After Christmas you worked so many late nights, it worried me a little. Sometimes I'd ask Dad when you were coming home. Most of the time he said he didn't know, and it didn't seem like he cared."

Will started feeling guilty. He thought he'd done a decent job of putting Zach's concerns to rest on those nights. Clearly he hadn't.

"I didn't get it. I didn't understand why you guys didn't come home at the same time anymore. Or why Mom always had to work so late, and how Dad seemed to not be worried. So lot's of nights I stayed awake in bed until you got home."

Both Will and Alicia felt awful for putting Zach through the stress.

"When I did hear you arguing it always seemed like Dad was the one doing most of the yelling. At least his voice was the one I could always hear through my cracked bedroom door. I usually fell asleep. But," he looked down at his hands, "some nights I'd sneak into the hall to listen. It always seemed like Mom was trying to defend herself or crying."

He looked directly at Will. "It was like you weren't even listening to her. I didn't understand why you fought so much. You were never like that before. I thought you'd be happy when she came home."

He looked back over to Alicia. "The night you got into the accident I stayed up because Grace was so mad at you for putting off her interview for school until the weekend." He sighed. "I was a little mad at you too because you had been gone so much. So I was going to confront you about it. When I heard the garage door go up I got out of bed and was going to come downstairs. But as soon as I heard the door to the house open, Dad started yelling at you. So I sat upstairs in the hall and waited, but I could hear everything you guys said. I didn't understand some of it, just like I hadn't understood some of the other arguments. But then Dad said you were being a bad mother, and ignoring us, and that we deserved better. He said it was okay for you to be mad at him even hate him, but you had no right to treat us the way you were. And that even if you grew up in a broken home he wasn't going let us grow up the same way."

The words played vividly in Will's mind. He was sick that Zach had overheard it. He'd tried hard to teach the kids to treat their mother, and women in general, with respect. He sighed. He'd done nothing of the sort that night. Telling her she was a bad mother and threatening her with full custody if she left that night had probably been worse than accusing her of the affair.

And what of their fights about the affair had Zach overheard? He could recall using profanity during some of those arguments that he'd never want the kids to hear him use. The truly awful things he's said to her had been early on. Maybe Zach hadn't heard those discussions. He hoped, because he could vividly recall one night where he'd completely lost it, letting some version of whore slip from his lips. The amount of hurt and anger that she'd thrown back at him after saying it had been like nothing he'd ever seen in her before. If there were ever a moment when she could truthfully say she hated him, it would have been then, and he would have deserved it. He'd regretted saying it the moment he'd said it, and he'd immediately tried to take it back. But his attempt had fallen on deaf ears, as it should have. He wondered now how he'd ever allowed himself to say such things to her. He'd never even think of it now.

It was no wonder Zach had tried to protect his mother so fiercely during that time. He was trying to make up for the slack he'd seen in his own father.

Zach continued. "And yeah I was a little mad at you, but I never thought you were a bad mom. After Dad said that, it got really quiet. I got worried you guys were coming upstairs and I'd be caught. So I moved quietly back to my room. But not before Mom said she thought you guys should spend some time apart. About ten minutes later she came and checked on me. I pretended to be asleep. And not too long after that she left. I watched her car drive down the street. I got back out of bed, and looked over the railing to see where Dad was."

He looked at Will for the first time in several minutes. "It was practically a blizzard outside. Everyone was supposed to stay at home. But you let her leave. And from what I could see it didn't seem like you even cared. You sat right here with ESPN on and a drink in your hand. An hour later the police showed up."

"Zach," Will tried to interrupt.

"Dad, just let me finish. Yeah, I blamed you for letting her go and getting into the accident. I was mad. Especially when we found out that she couldn't remember anything. I eventually got over it. I realized you weren't the only one to blame. No one really was. Mom was the one who left. The snow was the reason she got into the accident. And things seemed better between you guys after the accident. But the other night when she was upset and leaving again, it scared me. And once again I couldn't understand why you would let her leave so easily. It brought back some of my feelings from last year."

Will was a flood of emotions. Here was Zach who would be thirteen in a few weeks, talking to them like he was twenty.

"I'm sorry," was the first thing that came out of Will's mouth.

"I'm sorry too honey," Alicia cut in. "You should never have had to listen to those arguments. And I'm sorry for ever leaving that night. But I do hope you mean it when you say you don't blame Dad anymore. Zach it wasn't his fault. I don't blame him, and he and I have talked about it at length in the past year."

Alicia had said what he was thinking. He looked at Grace who was obviously taking all of this in, and trying to decide how she felt. He hated that he was probably the cause of the look of disappointment in her eyes.

"You both know how much we love you right?" Alicia added.

The two nodded.

"Grace, how do you feel about all of this?" Will asked.

"You really said Mom was a bad mother?" Grace sat up glaring into her father's eyes.

Without looking away, as much as he wanted to, "Yes, I really said that. But I didn't mean it. There's no excuse for me saying those things to her. I was upset with her and I didn't think before I spoke that night. I've told her this, but I want you guys to hear it too. I promised her I would never say any of those awful things to her again. I want you to both know that I love her very much. And I think she's the best mom in the whole world. We're proud of both of you for how well you've handled all of this. But don't forget to tell us if something upsets you. Or if you feel the same way you did the other night," he said, looking at Zach. The two nodded in agreement.

"Are you sure you're not still mad at me?"

"Yes," Zach said. "Are we done?"

"Almost," Alicia said. "I understand that Dad and I argued, a lot, back then. And while it's not an excuse, you need to realize that sometimes as adults, and husband and wife, we're going to disagree on things. We will get into more arguments, and that's okay. It's part of life. It doesn't mean that we don't love each other anymore. But you need to remember that those arguments are between him and me. We will try to do a better a job in those instances of arguing behind closed doors, instead of say, in the kitchen. But I don't want anymore cracked doors, and sitting in the hall to listen in on our conversations. We try to respect your privacy, and you need to do the same for us, okay?"

Again the two agreed.

"Grace, you need head upstairs and shower before bedtime," Alicia said.

Grace headed for the stairs. Zach tried to follow after her, but Will stopped him. "We need to talk about something else."

Zach sighed, turning back around and sat down again. Alicia was curious to know what else he wanted to discuss. Once Will heard the water turn on upstairs he began.

"Do you have any other questions about things you may have heard during some of those arguments?"

Zach avoided their eyes. "Zach, it's okay. We're not going to be mad. Just tell us what's on your mind." Will tried to reassure him.

Zach looked back towards Alicia meeting her gaze. "Did you really...cheat on Dad?"

Will watched the look on Alicia's face turn to one of horror as she glanced over to him. He couldn't blame her. He felt the same way. But he wanted to know exactly what Zach had overheard so that he and Alicia could help steer the conversation. He almost answered for her, but thought Zach should hear it from her.

"No, I didn't cheat on him. I would never do something like that. I was doing some things during those months that made him think I was cheating, but it was nothing like that. I met a woman who had lost a baby, like when we lost Kate, and I was trying to help comfort her. I went to some support group meetings with her, at night, and I didn't tell Dad about it because I didn't want him to feel hurt about Kate all over again. I should have told him, but I didn't. And because I wasn't honest with him, he thought some things were going on that weren't."

She reached for Will's hand. "Zach, no matter how angry I was back then, or how angry I might be at him in the future, I'd never cheat on him. Being married can be complicated. But I love your father - deeply - and I'd never hurt him like that - ever."

Will put his arm around her. "And I love your Mom. We've both apologized and forgiven each other for what happened, okay?

"Okay," Zach seemed relieved.

"Do you have anymore questions?" Will asked.

"No"

Alicia moved next to Zach, putting her arm around his shoulder. A few tears appeared in her eyes. "I love how much you help me around the house. I love that you try to watch out for me. Dad has been an unbelievable example for you. I don't want you to ever worry about him watching out for me, because I know he always will. Just like he watches out for you and Grace. You need to trust his judgment, and just keep being a great kid."

"So no more fist fights?" Zach said, lightly, to ease the mood.

"Yes, no more fist fights." Alicia wrapped him up in a hug.

A minute later Zach retreated to his room. Alicia turned her attention to Will letting out a weary sigh of relief. "I think I need a drink."

Will chuckled, sensing how she must be feeling. It had been one thing after the other with the kids all day, and they were both glad to be near the end of it. Taking her hand he led her into the kitchen.

"Do you think we've screwed them up?" she asked, moving to the wine cooler.

Grabbing two glasses from the cupboard he turned to face her. "No, I don't," he said, honestly, taking the bottle of wine from her hand. She leaned against the counter as he poured the red liquid for them.

Handing her a glass he leaned against the counter opposite her.

"This parenting stuff is exhausting some days," she commented, bringing the glass to her lips.

He took a few sips of his own drink, then set in down on the counter next to him. "Yes, it is." He moved to her wrapping his arms around her waist.

"I'm just glad I get to do all of that parenting stuff with you." He enjoyed the closeness between their two bodies again. The day may have had a few stressful moments, but his desire for her had been unrelenting.

Her lips curved upwards, beaming at the comment. She shifted a little to fit more comfortably into his embrace, pressing her body closer to his. He loved it when they seemed to be on the same wave length.

Setting her glass down, she brought her hands to his cheeks pressing a warm kiss to his lips. He moaned as she deepened it. A few moments later they heard footsteps coming from above them. One of the kids was headed back downstairs. Will briefly rested his forehead against hers.

"To be continued," he whispered, running circles over her hands.

"Yes. I have a little something planned for you tonight!" She reached for his tie. "We'll see if we can satisfy some of those manly urges you've had all day."

He swiftly pulled her closer to his body. "It's awfully hard to wait when you say things like that."

A seductive little grin formed on her lips, and she looked at her watch. "I'll be in our room at 10:15. Don't keep me waiting." She raised her brow pulling away from his embrace. He groaned at the loss of her warm aroused body pressed against his.

The following two hours seemed to drag on forever in his mind, as he thought of all the things she might have planned for him. Of course by the time he reached their room, ready to enter at her appointed time, he was about to throw all of that out the window and take her as quickly as he possibly could. But he managed to restrain himself when he walked inside and locked the door behind him.

There spread out on the bed in all her beauty was his wife wearing one of his dress shirts, the buttons undone low enough for her cleavage to show a little. He walked towards her wondering what she had on underneath, if anything. If she'd had one of his white shirts on it would have been more obvious. But of course she hadn't wanted it to be obvious so she'd put one of his darker blue colored shirts on.

She slid off the bed, holding his gaze with her seductive eyes. She stood in front of him. He placed his hands on her hips pulling her into him. "I have fantasies about you wearing my shirts."

"I know," she responded. "You've said!"

Pulling her closer he devoured her lips. As they continued the kiss, her hands made their way to the buttons on his shirt, then to his belt, and finally the zipper of his pants.

His hands moved slowly upwards, wanting to play with her breasts, but she stopped him before he ever got close. He broke the kiss and looked at her with a wanting pout. The smile on her lips led him to believe this was exactly the reaction she'd been hoping for.

"Not yet," she said, "I know how much you enjoy that, but we have to do a few other things first."

He grumbled at her. She was going to enjoy every second of his euphoric misery. Sliding his shirt over his shoulders, she took her time running her hands down his toned arms and across his chest. He sighed leaning in to catch his lips with hers. He loved the feel of her hands on his chest. Moments later her hands moved to his boxers. Breaking the kiss she gently slid them off of him.

"Sit on the bed," she instructed. He followed her request and sat. Taking one of his ties she'd laid on bed, she crawled behind him loosely tying his wrists together. He was in for it, and would take pleasure in every second of her teasing. It was going to drive him absolutely crazy not being able to touch her with his hands.

Back in front of him, a satisfactory grin shone on her lips as she admired his large erection already leaking some of his hot juices.

"Are you wearing anything under that shirt?" he breathed, adjusting himself more comfortably.

She straddled him, draping her arms over his shoulders. "No," She pressed a hard firm kiss to his lips as she sank down onto him.

The feel of her warm core taking him in was almost too much. But he didn't want it to end. Doing everything he could to restrain himself, he broke the kiss and looked into her eyes.

"Take the shirt off so I can at least look at your breasts." It wasn't asking too much, right?

She quickened the pace some, and smiled. "No. You'll get your chance in awhile. Now, is this enough, or do you want me to go faster?"

"Faster Leesh, faster," he nearly begged.

She obliged, throwing her head back allowing a few erotic moans to escape her lips. Her hands held a firm grasp on his shoulders as they continued to move together. It didn't take long for her to come apart right in front of him. How he managed to come through it without falling apart himself, he wasn't certain. But he had to admit with his hands restrained and her having most of the ability to control their pace, watching her reach her peak was one of the sexiest things he'd seen her do in a few months.

Knowing he hadn't followed her over the edge, she pressed her lips to his again, and began moving fast and hard. It didn't take long before he broke the kiss and cried out.

A few moments later, after catching their breaths, she slid off him, and moved to untie his hands. She must have known what his plan was because as soon as his hands were released she jumped off the bed, barely escaping the hands that tried to capture her.

"Gong to play hard to get tonight are you?" he said, moving off the bed. She backed away from him towards the closet.

"No. I picked up a few new items of clothing on my way back from lunch today. I thought I'd model them for you!" She started undoing the buttons on her shirt.

He smiled with a sigh. "All right, but if you're not back out here in less than two minutes, I'm coming in after you."

She laughed, and disappeared around the corner.

She reappeared shortly after in high heels, thigh high sheer stockings, and a sheer black lace chemise with a plunging neckline that ended just below her breasts. The thin barely there thong could be seen through the lacy material.

He couldn't keep his eyes off her, his erection already growing firm again. She managed a slow seductive walk towards him before he captured her in his arms. She kicked off her heels as his hands wandered freely over her body, their lips connecting.

Parting briefly, he looked into her eyes. "Do you always have to look so damn hot?" She giggled quietly as he gently laid her on the bed. Her erect nipples showed through the lacy material. Knowing full well she'd love his hands and lips to play with them, it was his turn to torture her a little. He slowly slid the pantyhose from her legs, one at a time. Then running his hands slowly from her thighs then up her torso, he stopped just before he reached her breasts.

A pout formed on her lips as she reached for his hands to place them where she wanted. His hand moved out of her reach. "Oh no," he said. "Not yet,"

Already hot and soaking at her core, she looked him in they eye, begging. "Please Will!"

He just shook his head no, and reached his hands beneath the thin lacy layer of fabric to the thong she wore. She moaned at the warm touch of his hands as he slid the fabric from her core. She shivered as the hair on his head made its way between her thighs tickling her.

Her fingers tangled in his hair as his tongue elicited more sighs, and moans from her. He knew exactly how and where to touch her. He knew she was getting close when fingers tangled in his hair more tightly, and her elicit moans became higher pitched. Pulling away from her she groaned.

"Mean," was the only word she could get out.

He smiled satisfied with his work so far, and reached for the laces at the front of her outfit. Straddling her, he pulled the strings allowing her breasts to escape the confines of the fabric. He took an extra long time getting the chemise all the way off of her.

"Please Will! I can't wait much longer."

It was slow and seductive and he loved feeling her squirm beneath him arching her back so her hips could get closer to his core - closer to what she wanted.

"You're beautiful Leesh," he said, shifting some, swiftly plunging his fingers inside of her. The quick, unexpected movement and slide of his fingers in and out, had the desired effect. She grasped onto his hand to keep in place while she rode out the orgasm. For the second time that night he watched as she called out his name, and cried out in pleasure. He'd never get tired of watching her in these moments.

He barely gave her time to recover before he had one firm nipple in his mouth and the other in his hand. He was done being slow. His body needed to feel every inch of her against him. Her body quickly responded to the stimulation.

They rolled amongst the bedding touching, feeling, kissing each other. Soon he hovered over her. "I want to take you now," he said, breathless, but wanted to make sure she was ready.

With a smile and nod from her, he slid into her. The feel of her tightening around him caused him to cry out. Moving faster and harder with every thrust, moments later they climaxed together.

Catching his breath, he leaned down to kiss her again. This time it was soft and gentle. "I love you Leesh."

"I love you too."

He slowly came off her, rolling to his back. She curled up against him, resting her head on his shoulder.

"I'm exhausted," she said, gently running her hand over his chest.

"Me too. But don't be surprised if I wake you up in the middle of the night to do that again. It's been one of those days."

She laughed, sighing in satisfaction. "I know, for me too."


	50. Chapter 50

Having a few free minutes before lunch with Julia, Alicia sat at her desk and pulled some newly framed photos from her bag. Turning around in her chair she placed the photo of her and Will, one of the kids, and one of all four of them, on the dark cherry wood credenza behind her desk.

The photos had turned out well. She especially liked the one of her and Will. A warm smile formed on her lips as she thought back to the day nearly three weeks earlier when they'd had the photos taken.

 _\- The house was quiet. Feeling Will shift next to her in the bed she rolled over opening her eyes. His head propped up on one hand, eyes staring at her, she met his gaze._

 _"Hi," she said quietly, bringing her hand to his cheek._

 _"Hi," he smiled back, scooting closer to wrap his arm around her middle._

 _He leaned closer and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. After the kiss they both shifted to more of a sitting position. She settled against him as he wrapped his arm around her. They were quiet, almost subdued, both thinking about the same thing. Today marked one year. One year since their lives had been changed forever. The mood caused him to hold her a little tighter._

 _They had come so far in that one year. Thinking back on all that had taken place, it was amazing they'd ever reached their current situation off marital contentment. Will going from the threat of separation to a healthy marriage. Alicia having to practically start her adult life all over again._

 _Enjoying the quiet intimacy the Saturday morning provided she made no effort to begin the day, but stayed in his warm embrace. "Where do you think we'd be right now if I'd made it to that hotel last year?"_

 _Shifting, he toured to look at her. "I don't know," he said, honestly. "I've tried to avoid thinking about it because I don't think I'd like many of the answers."_

 _She nodded, playing with his fingers. "That accident saved our marriage, Will." She'd thought it a thousand times in recent months, never daring to say it out loud until now._

 _He ran a warm soothing hand up her arm. "Maybe Leesh, but we'll never know for certain. We both know we didn't really want the marriage to end. I would like to think that we would have worked it out eventually. That I would have sincerely apologized for accusing you of the affair, and all the other pain I caused you. Hopefully, you would have taken the medication Dr. Benson prescribed, and would have eventually been able to come clean with me. I hate to think that we really would have thrown it all away."_

 _She looked down at their tangled fingers feeling a tinge of sadness. "What if I don't get anymore of my memory back?" The words of the doctors from so many months ago played through her mind. "After a years time the likelihood of gaining more memory back significantly decreases."_

 _He pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head. "It doesn't matter. I know you want to remember more. I know it's hard for you. I don't expect you, or any of us, to stop hoping that more of it will come back. But we're okay. We're making new memories everyday. And even if you never gain back another memory from our past it makes no difference to me. What matters to me is that I know you love me. That you want to be here right now sitting next to me in our bed, in our house, with our kids safe and asleep down the hall. That's all I want. A year ago I probably would have given a limb if someone could have guaranteed we'd be right where we are in this moment."_

 _She shifted to rest her head on him more comfortably, closing her eyes again. "I can't imagine wanting to be anywhere else but right here." -_

She'd meant every word of it. In previous months she'd finally felt comfortable with her life. She finally felt like she really belonged exactly where she was. Later on that day they'd gone and had the photos taken, and then spent the evening with the kids at Diane and Kurt's.

"They turned out quite well," Diane interrupted her thoughts, sitting down in the chair across from her.

"Yes, they did." Alicia quickly glanced back at the photo of her and Will.

Meeting Diane's gaze again, she smiled. "I don't think I ever thanked you for being here for him in those early months after the accident. I had so much support from him, and everyone else, I'm sure he was forgotten in the chaos more than he deserved. He's mentioned a few times how grateful he was to have you and Kurt around to talk to."

"You're welcome. It never occurred to me to do any less. We're practically family Alicia."

"I know, and I'm grateful for it."

Diane sat back in the chair, getting more comfortable. "You know it was interesting watching him during those first few weeks, even months. In the beginning he was scared to death you weren't going make it. He tried to hide it, the worry, but I knew. Kurt and I went to the hospital that first night after he called to tell us what had happened. We sat with him for a few hours. The doctors told him there was a good chance you wouldn't live, even if you made it through surgery, and then reality hit. He was worried about the possibility of raising the kids on his own. He didn't like the idea of not having you at work with him everyday. But I think the thing that scared him the most was trying to live without you - the loss of companionship.

It reminded me of an old couple who's been married for sixty-years, and suddenly one of them passes on. They've grown so used to having the other around they find it difficult to function without the other. That was Will. For nearly a week after the accident he walked around here like he was lost."

She smiled, "I don't think he always thought about it on a conscious level. In the following weeks, and months, there were numerous days when he'd walk out of his office, and into yours. Seconds later after saying your name as if he was going to ask you something about a case, he'd shake his head and come to mine. It had become second nature for him to step out of his office and walk the ten steps to yours to talk to you."

"That makes sense. I do the same thing."

Diane nodded. "The thing he did do that I don't think he knows I knew about was what he did almost every night before he left here."

This peaked Alicia's curiosity.

"If it was late, he'd pour himself a drink and come sit in the dark on your sofa. I never interrupted him. Like I said, I don't think he thought anyone knew he did it. I don't know what went through his mind while he sat here. But I think it was one of the ways he coped with your absence, being in here surrounded by all your things. It was his way of grasping onto some stability during a time when I can imagine he didn't feel very stable. That's one of the ways I knew he was still madly in love with you, despite the troubles you'd had, and how worried he was you wouldn't end up loving him back."

"I didn't know any of that. Thank you for telling me." She enjoyed talking with Diane. It was a different kind of friendship than the one she held with Julia, but not any less valued or important.

"That isn't the reason I came in here. Where is Will? I just had a discussion with David Lee that I think both of you will find interesting."

"I don't know. I thought he was in his office."

Just moments later Will entered her office, his attention focused on the papers in his hands. "Leesh, we need to get that opinion to the third circuit before five." He was surprised to find Diane sitting there when he finally looked up from his papers. "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt."

"It's fine. Diane has something she wants to talk to both of us about. And I sent the opinion to you fifteen minutes ago."

He nodded in acknowledgment.

"Will, close the door before you sit down," Diane said.

"It must be serious," he said, closing the door, and sitting next to her.

"David Lee is leaving."

No one said anything for a few moments. But they were all thinking the same thing, finally, less drama. But then the reality of Diane's words hit.

"Are we going to be okay without his clients?" Alicia asked.

"I haven't run the numbers yet, but I think we can manage. And there's no guarantee all of his clients will want to move with him. We need to get someone else in here, and quickly, to catch some of the fallout."

Both women turned to Will. He'd been awfully quiet, but seemed to almost be beaming. "He's really leaving?" He was still surprised at the news. "What did he ask for in his exit package?"

They discussed David's exit from the firm for a few more minutes, then Alicia went to meet Julia for lunch.

Both women had an enjoyable time. Julia regaled Alicia with the woes of the final weeks of pregnancy. Which Alicia thoroughly enjoyed. Alicia in turn shared their most recent dealings with Zach and the fight he got into at school a few weeks prior.

"He's almost a teenager. Are you ready?" Julia chuckled.

Alicia just laughed. "As ready as I'll ever be. If I can keep him from doing half the things Owen did as a teen, I'll consider Will and I lucky."

"Ah, he's a good kid Alicia. You and Will haven't screwed him up too bad yet," she joked.

They were getting ready to leave the restaurant awhile later. Julia excused herself to go to the restroom. She returned a few minutes later in slight panic. "Leesh, my water broke," she said, quietly, running her hands over her swollen belly.

Alicia's eyes grew wide. "Okay, don't panic. What do we do?" Then it hit her, the real reason for the look of distress on Julia's face. "Josh? When does his flight get in?"

Josh had gone out of town on business for two days. It hadn't worried Julia. The baby wasn't due for two weeks, and at her appointment four days earlier she hadn't shown any signs that the baby would be coming soon.

He's supposed to arrive in an hour. I was going to pick him up after we had lunch. But Leesh, I need to get to the hospital."

"I'll take you. We'll call Will. He can go for Josh." They headed towards the exit.

Alicia explained to Will what was going on. "I'll pick Josh up. But Leesh, remember if you even begin to have flashbacks of memories that make you uncomfortable, you've got to leave Julia to the care of the nurses."

"I know. We've all talked about it. I will. See you soon." After Julia had asked Alicia to be there for the delivery, she and Will had put a lot of thought into it, and consulted with Dr. Benson. There really was no way for anyone to know how Alicia might react to being in the delivery room. And as much as Julia loved Will, she wasn't comfortable having him in the room once it was time to push.

It had been decided that, time permitting, Will and Alicia would spend some time in the delivery room while they waited for Julia to become fully dilated. But for the most part they would wait outside until the baby was born, and everything had been cleaned up.

As Alicia drove, Julia drew in a breath of air, clutching onto her stomach, as a strong contraction hit. "What if Josh doesn't make it in time?" she said, worry and slight panic in her voice.

"He'll make it. How far apart are the contractions?"

"I don't know, eight maybe ten minutes." She shifted closing her eyes. "I'd forgotten how much this hurts," she moaned, taking in a few more deep breaths of air.

Alicia smiled. "Just keep thinking about that epidural waiting for you once we get there."

Julia chuckled. "Leesh, thanks so much doing this. I don't know what I'd do if I had to be there alone."

A few minutes later they pulled up in front of the hospital. Julia cried out in pain, one hand on her stomach, the other clutched onto Alicia's arm.

A brief rush of memory crossed Alicia's mind.

\- " _Will, I can't do this." Alicia said. A few tears sprang from her eyes as she grabbed a hold of his arm, waiting for the contraction to subside._

 _Will had just brought the car to a stop in front of the hospital. "You can. You're doing great. We're here." He went to get out of the car, but she didn't let go of him._

 _Looking into his eyes with a nervous line spread across her lips, her hand tightened on his arm. "I'm scared." She allowed a few more tears to slip down her cheeks._

 _He cupped her face in his hands, leaning closer to her. "Leesh, I promise it's going to be okay. I'm going to be right by you the whole time, even if you yell at me, or tell me you hate me for doing this to you," he said, managing to get a little smile out of her. "I love you so much. Zach is going to be the luckiest kid in the whole world because he has you for his mom." He leaned forward pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. -_

"That one was worse." Julia's words brought Alicia back out of her thoughts. She cast a quick smile at her friend and got out of the car, warmed by the memory as it played over in her mind.

Awhile later, Julia was as comfortable as she was going to get hooked up to the monitors, and an epidural working a little magic. She still had to dilate a few more centimeters before the baby would come. The doctor had estimated it would be a few hours. Julia was grateful to have Alicia there, if for no other reason than moral support.

"Have you chosen a name for her yet?" Alicia asked, sitting comfortably on the sofa next to Julia's bed.

Julia sighed. "No, we can't agree on one. I thought we had a few more days before one of us would have to give in."

Alicia chuckled lightly. "Will and I had the same problem coming up with a name for Grace. We both had very different opinions on girl names. That's why she doesn't have a middle name. We could barely find a first name we both liked. Although we didn't have that problem with..." She paused glancing across the room.

Julia laughed under her breath. "I remember. You guys had everyone you know submit names for consideration a week before she was born. It's a miracle Grace left the hospital with one."

Alicia sat still. Her gaze fixed on the flyers taped to the back of the delivery room door.

"Leesh, you okay?" Julia sat up a bit when Alicia hadn't responded.

"Yeah, I'm good. It's just, I don't remember Will telling me about choosing the kids names. I just seem to know that." Her eyes rested on Julia again.

"Well that's good right?"

"Yes, that's good." She relaxed some more against the cushions.

Just then Josh entered the room. After giving Julia a hug and kiss, he turned his attention to Alicia. "Thank you so much. Will's just outside. He wanted to make sure it was okay before he came in."

"Yes, go get him," Julia said.

After chatting for a few minutes, Alicia and Will found a place outside the delivery room to wait. Will had thought to bring along a laptop so they could get some work done while they waited. After an hour they decided to take a break.

"I'm a fan of having a baby in the afternoon," Will said, moving closer to Alicia to wrap his arm around her. "Both Zach and Grace decided coming early in the morning was a good idea."

Will had mentioned the kids early morning deliveries in the past, and she'd read about it in her journals. "Yes, this seems like a much better plan than coming to the hospital in the middle of the night." She settled more comfortably against him.

"I can't believe Zach will be thirteen in a few days," Will said, closing his eyes, slouching some so he could rest his head against the back of the couch.

"I'm just glad you were able to make it a good day for him last year under the circumstances."

With Alicia recovering in the hospital when Zach's birthday had come around, Will had done the best he could, taking Zach and a few friends to shoot some hoops for awhile, and then out for pizza. Later in the evening, Owen, Kurt, and Diane had gone to the house and had cake with them.

"He had a good day. But I'm sure he'll be glad to have you around for it this year. He loves your chocolate cake more than any other."

Alicia chuckled, causing Will to open his eyes and look at her. "I'm not so sure. He asked me yesterday if I'd find out where Diane got the cake from last year because he might want it again this year."

Will shook his head. "Diane really saved me on that one. Grace thought that between the two of us we could make a cake for him. I mentioned it to Diane at work a few days before. She got that look in her eye, you know the one where you know she thinks whatever you've suggested is a bad idea, but she doesn't want to come right out and say it?"

Alicia laughed. "I know the look."

"Anyway, about an hour later she came into my office and offered to take care of the cake so that we could come see you, instead of spending the time baking." He sighed with a little laugh. "I was so glad she offered. Cake is not on the list of things I cook well."

A few minutes later a nurse appeared and told them that the baby was coming, and it wouldn't be too much longer. Less than an hour later they were allowed back into the room, and Josh graciously placed the little bundle in Alicia's arms. Will sat next to her, his arm draped across her shoulder, leaning in to get a closer look.

The baby in her arms, she glanced at Will, overcome with emotion as some of the precious memories she'd thought were lost forever overtook her mind. Memories of Will being nervous about cutting the umbilical cord after Zach was born. The doctor announcing it was a girl and placing Grace on her stomach right out of the womb. Memories of holding both the kids bundled up in blankets and being placed in her arms for the first time. And the look on Will's face when he held each of them. Unable to hold back the strong emotions, tears sprang from her eyes.

Immediately concerned at her reaction, and thinking this had been a bad idea, Will looked her in the eye. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she said, through her tears, looking back down at the sleeping baby. "I'm just remembering Grace and Zach, and its - good!"

He pulled her closer, and kissed the top of her head. Looking at Julia and Josh, he voiced a quiet "thank you".

Minutes later, Alicia looked over to Julia. "Can I unwrap her for a minute?"

"Of course," Julia replied, enjoying every minute of watching Alicia's reaction to the baby.

Setting the baby in her lap she unwrapped the swaddled blanket, gently running the tiny fingers and toes through her hands. "Do you remember how nervous we both were about giving Zach a bath, and cutting his little fingernails once we took him home?" Alicia said, wrapping the baby back up in a perfect swaddle as though she'd done it a thousand times before.

It was one of those moments that took Will completely off guard. "Yes," he said, with a little chuckle. "What else are you remembering?"

It was as though the flood gates had opened, momentarily allowing her to recall several instances from those early years with the kids. These memories weren't as many of the other recollections had been, sudden flashes of memory. It was more that she thought about it and was simply able to remember.

"So much," she managed to say through the quiet rush of tears falling down her face. She gently handed the baby over to Will, and watched as a now familiar smile and look in his eyes crossed his features. Seeing him with the baby was almost as good as remembering him with their own children.

The whole experience had become a very intimate one between them, even without Will knowing what exactly she'd remembered. They would never tire of the breath of fresh air her remembering the good things always seemed to lend to each of them.

Not wanting to intrude too much, or keep Julia from resting, they left about twenty-minutes later. Julia promised to call once they'd decided on a name. Alicia promised to come back and visit the following day.

On the drive home Alicia regaled Will with the things she'd remembered. There were still large gaps in her memory, but she was able to vividly remember things from Zach's first few years, and Grace's first. Things like long sleepless nights. Reading Zach stories. Walking the floors in the middle of the night trying to calm Grace's crying and get her back to sleep. And sitting on the floor trying to get Grace to crawl to her. It wasn't a recollection of everything, but a few of the things she'd read about in her journals were visible images in her mind that she was certain she hadn't made up.

When they arrived home, Alicia immediately wrapped both of the kids up in a hug, fresh tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Mom, are you all right?" Zach asked, after freeing himself from his mother's tight hold.

"Yes, I'm good," she said, running her hand over his shoulder. The kids left the kitchen, and she turned to Will, a warm smile still spread across his face.

She fell into his embrace. "I feel even more of an attachment to them now. They're really mine - ours."

As if she hadn't really accepted it, or been certain of it until that moment, she looked into his eyes. "I really am their mother!"

He chuckled, pulling her closer to his warm body. "Yes, the best in the world." He pressed a firm kiss to her lips. She rested her head against his shoulder.

"I'm exhausted, and my heads hurting," she said, closing her eyes. It was bound to happen, she thought to herself. Gaining memories back always seemed to coincide with her head hurting.

"Let's stay in tonight. I'll go pick up the food and we can relax here with the kids," he said. On the drive home they'd talked about taking the kids out for dinner, but that seemed like less of a good idea now.

"Okay." She pulled away patting his chest. "I'm going to go up and change."

After the kids had gone to bed, they sat together thumbing through the baby albums. Alicia had wanted to look at the photos again with the new memories still fresh in her mind.

Thumbing through the pages the images that touched her the most all seemed to picture Will with one or both of the kids. Him holding them at the hospital. He and a four-month-old Zach on the couch both wearing baseball caps. Him gently tossing a five or six-month old Grace in the air, a look as though she was giggling.

It was the look of real contentment on his face that struck her the most. She'd seen him at work and arguing in court. It would probably be difficult for any number of individuals who shared his work day to believe he'd be perfectly happy on a Saturday afternoon tossing a baseball to his kids in the backyard.

To her surprise and satisfaction she was able to recognize some of the events in a few of the photos. Only a few, but it was such a relief for her. Pausing periodically so Will could tell her some of the stories behind the photos, he chuckled lightly at one image of he and Zach sound asleep on the couch. Will in his dress shirt, and suit pants, baby in one arm, pen and legal pad in the other. A laptop and files spread out on the coffee table in front of them.

"I don't think I knew what exhausted truly was until that night," he said. "Zach was two-months old. I was in the middle of a huge messy case that turned out to be my last with the firm. Diane asked us to join her here about a week after that photo was taken. Anyway, we were getting ready to go to trial, and there was a ton of work that needed to be done. Since I was the partner on the case I was making sure all of our ducks were in a row, so to speak. Two days before the trial started you called me at about five in the evening and said you needed me to come home."

His gaze fell on hers. "I was really low on sleep because I'd been working crazy hours for a week. But that was the first time in our eight years of marriage that I could ever remember you calling and insisting I leave work. It wasn't something you did. And it couldn't have been at a worse time. But you'd caught an awful case of the stomach flu."

 _\- "Will, I know you're knee deep on the Wheeler case, but I've just gotten worse all day. My body aches, I feel all clammy, and I've spent nearly all of the past hour in the bathroom. Zach is going to wake up from his nap soon, and need to eat, and I..." She was in tears. "I don't know if I can sit up long enough to feed him, let alone take care of him. Can you come home? Please?" She was desperate, and he could tell._

 _"Yeah, I'll come. But it will be at least thirty-minutes before I can get there. Will you be okay that long, Or do you want me to call Mrs. Randall from downstairs?"_

 _"No, just come as quick as you can. I put Zach in the bassinet that's still in our room when he fell asleep so I wouldn't have to walk all the way to his room when he woke up. I'm getting back into bed now."_

 _He got home forty-minutes later to find her sound asleep buried under the warm blankets of their bed. Zach was just beginning to wake._

 _He went and sat next to her. Not wanting to wake her he gently touched her forehead. She was burning up. He moved back to the bassinet and scooped Zach up into his arms. "You're going to have to settle for me tonight little man. Mommy is definitely out of commission."_

 _She woke up about thirty-minutes later and headed straight for the bathroom. Will did his best the rest of the night to take care of her and Zach while trying to get more work done._

 _Later that night around one in the morning Alicia, well spent, fell into a deep sleep. Will had hoped to get some last minute trial prep done, but Zach, unlike Alicia, was wide awake, and had no interest in sleeping._

 _Will held him in one arm, and did his best to do the work with his other. Zach finally succumbed to sleep awhile later. A few hours after as Will was ready to collapse into bed and try to get a few hours of shut eye, Zach woke back up needing to eat. At almost five in the morning the two were crashed out on the couch together._

 _At six Alicia woke up and went in search of Will since his side of the bed was cold, and clearly hadn't been slept in. When she found both of them on the couch fast asleep she couldn't resist taking the photo, their facial features and sleeping expressions being so similar._

 _"There's no doubt who your father is," she whispered, carefully removing Zach from Will's embrace._

 _After putting him in his own bed, feeling groggy and weak she sat next to Will on the couch running her hand softly over his face._

 _Forcing his eyes open, he looked at her. "You should be in bed." He ran his hand gently over her arm._

 _"So should you. Come on." She took his hand, weakly tugging so he'd stand. He followed her to the bedroom and they both collapsed on the bed. Burying herself beneath the blankets again, he scooted close wrapping his arm around her middle._

 _"You may not want to lie so close to me," she said, looking over her shoulder to glance at him._

 _Eyes already shut he tightened his hold on her. "I won't get sick. What time is it?"_

 _"About six."_

 _He sighed heavily. "I have to be up by eight-thirty, I have a meeting."_

 _"I'll set the alarm."_

 _"How are you feeling?"_

 _She turned fully to face him. "Weak, but better." Reaching her hand to his cheek, he opened his eyes. "Thank you for coming home to take care of me and Zach. I know it was inconvenient."_

 _A little smile crossed his lips. "You're welcome. I'd kiss you, but I might be too tired." He shut his eyes again._

 _"Probably best you not kiss me for a few days anyway." She_ _turned back onto her side, and they both fell asleep. -_

They looked at the albums awhile longer, and then Alicia took a hot soothing shower to try and help with her headache. After showering she slipped on some silk pajama bottoms, and wrapped a soft gray throw around her top leaving only her shoulders exposed so Will could give her a massage.

She sat on the bed, Will behind her. Every touch from his warm hands on her bare skin made her feel as though she might melt right into him. "How'd you get so good at this?" she asked, when he was nearly done. The pain in her head much less then it had been.

His hands moved to her arms, leaning in close so she could feel his breath on her neck, he whispered, "I've had lots of practice over the years."

Reaching for one of his hands across her chest, she shifted to look at him. "You're too good to me," she said, quietly. Thinking back on what Diane had said to her earlier in the day, and how he always seemed willing to drop everything to make sure she was comfortable and had what she needed. As she had many times in the past year, she briefly wondered if he ever tired of it.

He pulled his hand from hers in order to wrap her up in his embrace. "No, I just want you to always feel loved."

She leaned closer and pressed her warm lips to his. "Make love to me," she whispered, her nose touching his.

"But your headache?" he whispered back with real concern.

"Just be slow and gentle. I want to feel close to you like that tonight." She'd come to recognize and thoroughly enjoy the difference between making love to him to settle their physical needs and urges, versus making love to him because it was exactly that, the ultimate way of expressing their deep feelings for one another.

He was slow and gentle with her showering her whole body with soft kisses. Gently massaging some of her most sensitive parts. When he finally slid into her he started at a slow seductive pace, only speeding up when she asked. Gradually they reached the out-of-body state of intimacy she'd been hoping for.

Coming down from the high, he hovered above her. Looking into his eyes she knew he'd felt the same as she had in those last few moments of euphoria.

 **A/N; Thank you for reading, and thank you all for the reviews, and suggestions for their trip. I'm hoping to post the next chapter before Christmas, but I don't know that that will happen. I've got a busy few weeks coming up. I'll definitely post before the New Year. Happy Holidays Everyone!**


	51. Chapter 51

**A/N; Happy New Year everyone! I'm so sorry for the long wait. December was a very crazy month for me. Thank you so much for hanging in there with me. Welcome and thank you to the new followers in the past few weeks. I hope 2018 is a good year for all of you!**

It was almost three in the morning one day during the first week of May. Nearly ten weeks had passed since Alicia had taken the bar exam.

She'd been lying in bed awake for nearly a half-hour unable to calm her nerves. Giving up on sleep, she gently moved out of Will's embrace and climbed out of bed.

"Leesh, where are you going?"

She hadn't meant to wake him. Throwing on a robe she turned back towards him. "Downstairs. I need a glass of water. Go back to sleep," she whispered, heading for the door.

Twenty minutes later when she hadn't returned, Will got up to go find her. He knew something was bothering her. She'd seemed tense, and distracted ever since they'd left work the previous day, but she'd been unwilling to admit, or discuss, that anything was wrong.

From the upstairs balcony he could see her pacing around the kitchen with a mug of, he guessed warm tea, in hand, her laptop open on the counter. He'd come down the stairs so quietly, and she'd been so caught up in her thoughts, when he entered the room and said her name, it startled her, causing the mug to slip through her fingers and shatter on the floor at her feet.

"Stay there, I'll clean it up," he said.

Slightly agitated she frowned at him as he grabbed a broom and made his way closer to her. "You can't sneak up on me like that," she snapped, her bare feet firmly planted on the stone floor as she reached across the counter for a rag.

He sighed beginning to sweep up the broken pieces of glass. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you, but when you didn't come back to bed I thought I'd come make sure you were all right."

She handed him the rag. "I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to bother you so I stayed down here."

Once the mess was cleaned up, she turned to fully face him.

"What's wrong?" he questioned, moving closer to her. "And don't tell me nothing. Somethings been bothering you ever since we left work last night."

She bit her lip looking away from him, wrapping her robe more tightly around her body. In a much calmer tone she replied, "I got my bar exam results back." She glanced at the open laptop across the counter from them.

With her current mood he assumed the worst, that she hadn't passed and was now heavy laden with guilt, or self-doubt. At the least her self-confidence had probably taken a hit. This must be the reason she hadn't told him when she'd first gotten the email. If she'd of passed she would have dropped everything and run into his office to tell him the good news, he thought. But surely she must know it made no difference to him whether she passed or not. So she hadn't passed the first time. She could take it again in three months. He had no reason to believe she wouldn't be able to pass it eventually. It had been a lot to expect from her after so little time to prep.

He moved closer to her gently placing a hand to her arm. "Leesh, what did it say? I know you did your best. It's okay if you didn't pass. You can take it again.

She briefly looked down at the floor, then sighing she slowly brought her eyes back up to meet his. "I didn't open the email. I don't know if I passed or not. It showed up in my inbox yesterday afternoon but I couldn't bring myself to read it." She turned toward the laptop. "My whole future lies in whatever that email says."

All hope and suspense returning, he had to suppress a slight chuckle. It had been a long two weeks of waiting since the eight week deadline they'd originally been given to get her results back. Now she'd had them for nearly twelve hours and hadn't looked at them. The Alicia he'd known eighteen months prior wouldn't have hesitated in opening the email. But now she was more cautious. She hadn't totally gained back her natural sense of confidence. She seemed to hold a slight fear of letting others down, especially herself. Sometimes it was difficult to make her understand that no one was judging her. That he especially would love her no matter what. That he wouldn't think any less of her if her skills as a lawyer weren't what they used to be.

He reached his other hand to her, pulling her close to his warm body. His lips curved upwards. "You've waited two weeks longer than it was supposed to take to get those results. I bet it's a good sign. Either way, your whole future won't be decided by what that email says. If you didn't pass, you can take it again. If you did pass, then you passed. Leesh, the results of that exam do not define you."

Between the late hour and the amount of energy she'd spent fretting over the email in the past twelve hours, she felt exhausted, but comforted some in his reassuring words. She leaned closer resting her head against his chest, wrapping her arms around his waist. "Will you read it, and tell me what it says?"

He chuckled again resting his chin on top of her head. "Yes." A few long moments later she released her grasp on him. He moved to the laptop and clicked open the email.

She watched intently as he read. Only a matter of seconds had passed, but it seemed like an eternity before his gaze met hers. He didn't say anything. His features were unreadable. She covered her face with her hands. "I failed didn't I?" Her whole body slumped as a stream of tears neared the surface.

"No, Leesh." He was in front of her in seconds his arms wrapped securely around her. "You passed!" he exclaimed, enthusiastically.

She brought her hand from her eyes, and looked into his with a hint of genuine surprise. "I passed?" Relief flooding through her entire body she threw her arms around his neck.

"Yes," he said, just before her lips crashed into his.

After pulling apart he took her hand and led her to the laptop. "You not only passed, you scored in the ninety-eighth percentile. You hit it right out of the park."

She looked at the email with him. A few tears escaped her eyes. The weight that had just been lifted from their shoulders was enormous. She almost felt weak at the knees.

He wrapped her up in his arms again. "Now all we have to do is turn this into the disciplinary board, and after they approve it, we can reinstate you as name partner. Congratulations Leesh, you're a full-fledged lawyer again. We'll celebrate this weekend!" He kissed her again. She pressed her body closer to his, not feeling nearly as tired as she had ten minutes earlier.

"Maybe we could celebrate now." Her hands moved to his chest.

"Maybe we should." He swiftly scooped her up off the floor, causing her to giggle as he carried her back upstairs to their bedroom.

* * *

Two weeks later the morning sun filtered through their bedroom window casting a glow on her porcelain skin. She was sound asleep as he moved closer threading his arm under hers to hold her securely in his embrace.

He watched her for quite a few minutes taking in the sight of her. Breathing in the faint scent of her hair. It was Mother's Day. A day that always seemed to make him love her even more, perfect for the plans he'd made.

He rested his head against hers, his gaze moving over her sleeping form. She wasn't just his wife as she'd once been. She was the mother of their children, and he'd be forever grateful for all the things that bearing that title meant, the joy and happiness, as well as the pain and discomfort over the years.

On days like today he'd prefer to have her all to himself, forget life for awhile and just enjoy his wife. While the day promised to be somewhat relaxed, there were still things to do, and one particular errand he needed to run.

He leaned over brushing a soft kiss to her cheek. Not wanting to wake her, he removed himself from the bed as delicately as he could.

She was beginning to wake, and shifted to look at him. "Come back to bed. You were keeping me warm," she said, drowsily.

He pulled a t-shirt over his head and leaned back over the bed to give her a kiss. "I have to go help the kids with breakfast. They wanted to make you and Mom pancakes this morning. And I know for a fact that neither of them have mastered the skill quite yet."

A tiny pout formed on her lips. "Just ten more minutes. Are they even up yet?"

He laughed at her insistence and climbed back under the covers, securing his arms around her. "Yes, they're up. But they probably won't do much damage in ten minutes. And I'll bet my mom is up anyway giving them tips." Will's mother had finally sold her house, and come to stay with them for a few days until the new place she'd purchased was ready.

She smiled snuggling closer to him, closing her eyes once again. They lay together in comfortable silence for a few minutes. Will's mind drifting back in time to the first Mother's Day they'd celebrated after Zach was born.

\- _She'd insisted Will not make a big deal about it. Zach was only six weeks old, she was still on maternity leave, and the only thing she'd asked was that Will be home all day and not do any work._

 _As had become their routine it had been his night to get up in the early hours of the morning with Zach and feed him. Will had done it, and in an attempt to let Alicia get a little more sleep he'd gotten back up with Zach for the day a few hours later. Alicia had managed to get more sleep that night then she had since Zach had been born. Will hadn't thought much of it. But when Alicia had emerged from their bedroom late in the morning, she'd thanked him profusely for the extra hours of sleep. -_

He smiled to himself at the memory now snuggling with her. Their marriage had been built and become strong on these simple kinds of gestures from both of them.

All too soon a knock came to their bedroom door. "Dad, are you up yet?" Zach called.

"Yes, I'll be down in a minute." He leaned over to press a soft kiss to Alicia's lips. Her eyes still closed, he whispered in her ear. "Happy Mother's Day. Rest for as long as you want, okay?"

"Mmhm," she mumbled. "Right after you give me another kiss."

Laughing under his breath he leaned close to press one last kiss to her warm lips before heading downstairs.

That evening they had a small crowd over for dinner, Kurt and Diane, Julia, Josh, and the kids, Veronica, Bill, and Owen. They all sat outside talking in the backyard enjoying the warm spring air. Grace, Zach and Ethan were running around the yard with a soccer ball.

Will sat comfortably next to Alicia with his arm draped over her shoulder. He smiled as she laughed at something Kurt said, trying not to jostle Julia's sleeping baby in her arms too much. He loved her laugh, it had been one of the first things that had caught his attention all those years back at Georgetown. That and her eyes. Those eyes hadn't changed in the twenty some odd years since he'd first seen them, and they still held the same mesmerizing effect on him.

The baby got fussy, and Alicia stood to try and soothe her. Swaying back and forth, the baby gently resting on her chest, she cast a sideways glance at Will.

"I think Uncle Will might have to get used to changing diapers again because I've decided to keep you here all to myself." Her gaze quickly moved to Julia. "Mommy can come visit us when she wants."

Everyone laughed. "I knew letting you guys come over was a bad idea," Will joked, looking at Josh and Julia. Everyone laughed again, and continued chatting.

Will's eyes remained fixed on Alicia. Seeing her with the infant in her arms reminded him of watching her with their own babies. These memories only added to the continuous stream of thoughts that had drifted through his mind all day. He'd barely been able to keep his eyes off her and when she'd gone with Grace, his mother, and Veronica to the spa to get manicures and pedicures he'd genuinely missed her. The continuous stream of thoughts hadn't been like they were some days. It wasn't a physical need or want he'd been feeling all day, but a genuine outpouring of love. He'd wanted to make certain throughout the day that she knew just how much she meant to him. He'd added a bouquet of flowers to the kids' presentation of breakfast in bed. He'd surprised her with the spa trip. While the women were gone doing that, as well as some shopping, he and Zach had tidied up the house, even cleaned the bathrooms, which was one of Alicia's least favorite chores.

She'd wrapped her arms around his neck and given him a passionate kiss of appreciation when she'd gotten home and found that all the things she'd thought she'd have to do before dinner had been done. This extra time in the late afternoon had allowed for the two of them to steal away to their bedroom for awhile to enjoy a nap snuggled up with each other.

The cheerful mood continued amongst the group as the sun began to fade. Grace came over and interrupted the adults conversation. "Is it time for dessert yet? I'm getting tired of the boys."

Alicia laughed, pulling her down to sit next to her. "We can have dessert as soon as you tell me what it is."

Grace glared at her father. "Dad, can we please just tell her? I don't know why you wanted it to be a surprise anyway. It's just dessert!" she complained, slumping back against the cushions.

Will chuckled. "It's not a surprise. It's just a secret." He looked at Alicia. "And it's fun to keep your mom guessing sometimes." Alicia rolled her eyes. Everyone laughed.

Diane spoke up. "I'm on Grace's side with this Will. That dessert sat in my refrigerator over night. You're lucky it's still in one piece."

Will chuckled taking Alicia's hand into his, his gaze resting on her. "All right. We can have dessert, but there are a few things I want to say first."

Becoming serious, he stood pulling Alicia up with him. He couldn't get over how perfect she looked standing there next to him as the last rays of sun shone down on them.

"I just wanted to thank all of you for being here tonight to celebrate the wonderful women in our lives. Each of you have played a significant role in mine.

He squeezed Alicia's hand. "Allow me to tell you a little story, and then we can have dessert." The boys had joined the group, and everyone's attention was on Will.

"Just make it quick. We don't need a long drawn out closing argument here tonight," Josh joked. Everyone laughed again. Will just nodded and smiled before continuing.

"Eighteen months ago while Alicia and I were away celebrating our eighteenth wedding anniversary. We were sitting outside one night watching the sun set across the lake. Alicia won't remember this, and I haven't mentioned it to her since then."

This perked Alicia's attention, and she moved a bit closer to him.

"We got to talking about all the anniversaries we'd celebrated, the places we'd gone, and the things we'd done together over the years. We decided that night that for our twentieth anniversary we'd go back to New York and renew our vows. As you all know our lives have changed quite a bit in the eighteen months since then. After Alicia's accident I was scared to death that she'd never love me again. That twenty some odd years ago after numerous attempts I somehow managed to convince her we were supposed be together, but I wasn't certain that twenty years later I could convince her all over again."

A silly little smile crossed his lips. "I'm happy to say she's fallen for all of my old tricks." Everyone got a good chuckle out of the comment.

Alicia blushed a bit. "Is there a point to all of this, other than you embarrassing me?" she teased.

He chuckled. "Yes. As time's gone on, and Alicia has gained back portions of her memory, one thing she's not been able to remember is our wedding."

He turned to fully face her taking her other hand into his. "I've watched you thumb through the wedding album, and stare at our wedding portrait on the mantle over and over again trying to will any sort of memory from that day. And I've seen the tinge of sadness in your eyes when nothing comes to mind."

He stepped closer to her their bodies were nearly touching. "So, I got to thinking that maybe we shouldn't just renew our vows. Maybe we should do the whole thing all over again," he breathed, just inches from her face. Her hazel eyes fixed on his.

"I love you. I've loved you for so long I don't remember what it was like to not love you. I even foolishly tried to not love you for a short time, and it was the most ridiculous thing I've ever done. Not to mention impossible."

He stepped back a few inches reaching into the pocket of his khakis and pulled out a small box. In that instance as the sun faded more in the background everyone, very much surprised, realized what he was doing.

In utter surprise Alicia's hand went to her mouth as a few tears escaped her eyes.

His other hand reluctantly let go of her. "I know when I took your ring two weeks ago, I told you I was just going to have it cleaned along with mine. That was only partially true. I had another band and diamond added to it."

Bending down on one knee he opened the box so she could see the ring. She breathed in an audible breath of air, her hand moving to her chest. "Leesh, will you marry me...again?"

She nodded as more tears spilled from her eyes. "Yes!"

He took the ring from the box and slipped it onto her finger. Pulling him up, she closed the small gap between them, wrapping her arms around his neck before planting a tear stained kiss to his lips.

It hadn't been an extravagant proposal, but simple just like the first time he'd asked her to marry him. He'd pondered ways of proposing over the past few months, had come up with some pretty intricate plans, but when it came right down to it, the thing that felt most appropriate was to ask her amongst their closest friends, loved ones, and their own little family they'd created over the years.

The kiss lingered, and although the women were anxious to see the ring, they gathered the small group and led them inside to give Will and Alicia a few minutes alone.

Breaking the kiss, tears still streaming down her cheeks, she took his hands into hers. "I love you so much. This whole day has been perfect," she said, softly.

He continued to hold her gaze, running his thumb over her fingers. "I'm glad. Listen, last month I reserved the mansion and property in New York for the wedding. I wanted to make sure we could get our anniversary date. But if you want to do it somewhere else I'll cancel the reservation. I wasn't sure what you would want."

"That is exactly what I want to do. I'm glad you went ahead and made the reservations."

Her arms wrapped around his waist. Pressing her warm body to his again she smiled. "So, if we're getting married again, does that mean we get to have a second honeymoon?" She raised a seductive brow towards him.

The thought of a honeymoon, the light breeze blowing gently through her hair, mixed with the last rays of sun making her skin glow, caused his physical urges for her to return.

His lips curved upwards, pulling her closer to his body. "You know that trip I promised you? I was thinking that might do for a honeymoon."

"I like the sound of that," she breathed, leaning in for another kiss. "Do you think we'd be missed if we snuck up to bed now?" she said, running her hands over his back.

He laughed under his breath, his hands moving over her body. "Yes, but I promise you there will be plenty of time later to make you feel like a newly engaged woman."

She giggled pulling away taking his hand to go inside. "So, what's this dessert you made the kids keep a secret?"

"It's this far too rich gooey chocolate strawberry cake filled with fresh berries. I had it sent from this bakery that used to be down the street from us in New York. It was one of your favorite splurges when we lived there. We shared a slice the night I proposed to you the first time."

He chuckled, shaking his head. "I was surprised the bakery was still there when I looked it up."

She shook her head holding his warm hand a bit tighter. "You never cease to amaze me."

For the remainder of the evening she stayed by his side. Purposefully brushing her hand against his, whispering soft words of love and appreciation into his ear, sitting a little closer to him when he wrapped his arm around her. It filled his heart to know she was happy and content. The day had gone just as he hoped.

She seemed to approve of the ring that sat on her finger. Every so often he'd catch her glancing at it. When he'd first gotten the idea of proposing to her again he was worried about making changes to her ring. He'd briefly thought about getting her a new one. But when he'd taken the ring to the jewelers to have it cleaned, they'd suggested he simply add a new band and diamond that could be molded to the shape of the current one. It had turned out well, and adding the extra diamond hadn't made it look too gaudy, which he knew she would have hated.

At the day's end, just as he had promised, they made love to each other. Hot and steamy at points, soft, slow, and gentle at others. He relished in it. The familiarity of running his hands over every inch of her body. The feel of her soft skin, the taste of her lips against his own. The way she responded to him, knowing exactly what to do, and where to touch him to drive him near ecstasy. And when their bodies finally connected molding perfectly together, the warm familiar connection of having been together for so many years flooded through both of them.

Tangled with her coming down from the high he knew he'd never tire of this. Nor would he ever tire of loving her.


	52. Chapter 52

**A/N; Thank you so much for the reviews of the last chapter. It's nice to know people are still reading this.**

The weeks following Mother's Day went by in a whirlwind. The weather grew increasingly warmer. Both Will and Alicia's work schedules got hectic. As did the kids schedules with end of school year projects.

By the end of the second week in June the kids had finished out the school year, and the case Will and Alicia had been working on together was finally ready to go to trial after two months of endless preparation.

Late Friday afternoon Will sauntered into Alicia's office tightening the tie around his neck, then pulling his black jacket back on.

Looking up at him from under her dark lashes, she smiled broadly, meeting him half the distance to the door. His hands immediately went to her hips pulling her in for a quick kiss.

"Are you ready? You look stunning!" he said, stepping back to take the full length of her in.

She chuckled, blushing a bit at his gaze. "Yes, I'm ready. Thank you for the compliment for the third time today."

It wasn't even debatable who was more excited about their partners meeting in a few minutes where they'd reinstate Alicia as a name partner. Approval from the disciplinary board of her passing the bar exam, and the dropping of all restrictions for her to practice the law, had come a week prior. Ever since they'd received word, Will had tried to keep his enthusiasm under control, but both Alicia and Diane had gotten a few good laughs out of the enthusiastic energy he'd seemed to have. Even showing interest in the firm finances, which he normally avoided discussing like the plague. That and he'd had a permanent grin plastered across his face for a week.

He drew her close again, running his hand along the soft fabric of her dark red dress. "You're welcome! It won't be the last time I compliment you today either." His eyes wandered over her one last time before he took her hand and led her to the conference room.

A few hours later Will, Alicia, Kurt and Diane went out to celebrate at a high end restaurant with a incredible view of the city.

After their meal they sat together in the restaurant lounge enjoying a few drinks when Will's attention was caught by someone from across the room.

"Oh you've got to be kidding me," he sighed heavily, taking a sip of his drink.

"What?" Alicia asked.

Everyone's attention focused on his line of sight across the room.

"Our favorite lawyer is here," he remarked, looking at the middle aged man making his way towards them.

"Did he really not show up for any of the depositions?" Diane asked.

Will set his drink down. "He really didn't. He sent associates to do all the dirty work. But he's listed as the lead attorney on the case, and will no doubt be the one arguing in court on Monday."

Alicia was only paying partial attention to the conversation. The man in question was Mark Thompson. The man who'd voiced his doubts over her ability to practice the law. The one whose son Zach had punched at school a few months back. A real piece of work from what Alicia had gathered in the past few months trying to work this case against his firm.

Her eyes remained fixed on him as he purposefully came over to them, and sat next to Alicia in an empty chair. The way he looked at her made her skin crawl.

Will's defenses shot through the roof. Glaring at him with a, _get your eyes off my wife before I punch you_ , look in his eye.

"Fancy meeting all of you here," Thompson said, sipping his own drink.

Diane, sensing the tension, took over the conversation. "It is. This is a good restaurant. The food's good, the drinks are excellent."

He nodded in agreement. "Yes, it is." His attention was quickly turned to Will. "I have one last deal to present to you. I was going to have my assistant send it over to you tomorrow. But since you're here..."

Will shifted a bit. "We're off the clock tonight. Send it over tomorrow, and we'll look at it."

Playing dumb, Thompson chuckled. "Oh that's right. You're both working on this case." His eyes briefly met Alicia's.

"We are. And like I said, we'll look at before Monday." Will said. His dislike for this man was genuine. He'd had just enough alcohol in the past hour that if the two of them had been in a room alone together Will would have given serious thought to punching the guy in the face. The rumors he'd spread about Alicia throughout the legal community in the past few months had made their way to far too many people.

"Whatever you want. But I think you'll regret not looking at it tonight."

"I think we're done talking. Send it to us tomorrow. Now, if you'll excuse us, my friend and I promised our wives a dance." He stood pulling Alicia up with him. Kurt and Diane followed suit moving towards the dance floor.

Alicia felt the tension in Will's shoulders as she placed her hands on him. He pulled her closer so he could whisper in her ear. "I don't like the way he was looking at you."

Alicia nodded resting her chin on his shoulder. "I know. I don't either. But we know how he is, and what he thinks. We just have to ignore it."

"I know." Turning his head pulling her closer as they moved around the dance floor, he whispered in her ear. "Have I told you today how beautiful you are?"

Laughing under her breath, she turned to him. "Only a few times. Why don't you tell me again?"

He smiled against the bare skin of her neck, breathing in the faint scent of her perfume, turning to whisper in her ear.

Sometime later, they were all sitting together again, slightly drunk, laughing at something Will had said.

"I think I've had too much to drink tonight," Alicia admitted, setting her glass down on a the table next to her.

Diane sighed. "You're not the only one. It's a good thing tomorrow is Saturday." They all heartily agreed. "We're heading home in a few minutes. We'll take a cab. Do you two want to ride down the in the elevator with us?"

Will took Alicia's hand. "No. I promised Alicia one last dance before we left."

Once they exited the building, Alicia assumed they'd take a cab home, just as Kurt and Diane had done. It wasn't smart for either of them to be driving after the amount of alcohol they'd consumed over the course of the evening. But Will didn't stop at the curb. He continued walking with her down the street. "Aren't we taking a cab?" she asked.

He smiled. " 're staying there tonight." He pointed to a hotel across the street. "And before you ask, the kids are fine. They're spending the night at Mom's. She couldn't be more thrilled to have them overnight in her new apartment. Her moving so close definitely has some advantages. And I packed a bag for you. I had it the trunk. It's already in our room."

Alicia couldn't help but laugh as they crossed the street. "It's a little scary. Sometimes you know what I'm thinking even before I do."

Will chuckled wrapping his arm across her shoulder. "No. It's purely a survival tactic. I learned a long time ago that if I was going to surprise you like this, I better be prepared."

"I take it you weren't once?"

"Only once, and it wasn't that bad. After we won our first case together I thought doing something like this would be fun, a way to celebrate. I made arrangements for Zach overnight, but I hadn't thought to pack either of us anything."

He stopped across the street, and turned to face her. "I mean it was one night, and I wasn't planning on us necessarily needing any extra clothes." He raised his brow to her, running his hand down her side.

Alicia chuckled. "Mmhm, typical male thought."

He laughed. "I hadn't thought about the fact that you hate going to sleep without brushing your teeth and washing your makeup off. It turned out fine, and we still had a good time together. But ever since then I've tried to be more prepared." Pulling her close to him, he leant down to whisper. "And when I pack a bag for you now, I can always add something extra to it if I want."

Catching his drift, she took his hand and they continued walking. "Did you pack anything _extra_ this time?"

"Yes. Something I wouldn't mind you modeling for me if you don't mind."

Between the alcohol and dancing, with their bodies pressed together in the past few hours, they were both anxious to get to the room.

As soon the door to the elevator closed, her lips crashed into his, her hands at his tie, his hands firmly on her hips.

Once inside their suite, Will had her pinned against the wall, his lips pressed firmly to hers, before she even had time to walk five feet into the room. She responded to him with eagerness, her hands sliding his suit coat off, and then making their way to his belt.

His hands moved to the zipper of her dress. Breaking the kiss briefly, he slipped the dress off her shoulders. "I've been waiting all day to get you out of this," he breathed against her neck, trailing a line of kisses from her ear to her chest.

She moaned at the sheer pleasure of his lips touching her bare skin. She was already hot and wet at her core. "Did you want me to change into whatever it is you packed first?" she said, his lips still assaulting her, his hands slowly sliding her panties down.

"Not this round." His pants slipped to the floor. Lifting her off the floor she wrapped her legs around him, as he carried her to the bed. "I don't think either of us can wait that long."

Not long after, she stood in the bathroom pulling a red silk chemise from her bag. It wasn't the item from her drawer full of intimates that she thought he would have brought along. She would have assumed something with more lace, easier for him to see through, something with less fabric than this.

"Leesh, you want some champagne?" he called, from behind the closed door.

"No, I don't think I can handle another drop of alcohol tonight, or I'll have a blazing headache in the morning." Straightening the silk fabric, she turned in the reflection of the mirror before stepping back out into the room.

Admiring her from across the room in his boxers, he set his glass of champagne down. He'd dimmed the lights, pulled the soft bed coverings down, and turned on the gas fireplace. Admittedly the room was a tad warm, but he knew how easily she got chilled.

He made his way to her, his eyes never leaving her. When he reached her his hands ran smoothly over the soft fabric down her sides. "You look amazing!"

Wrapping her arms around his neck, she pressed a firm, hot kiss to his lips. This time they made love to each other slowly and passionately, taking in every breath, and touch, rolling together beneath the sheets, body temperatures rising. At one point, with tiny beads of sweat forming on her forehead from the exertion and raised temperature of the room from the fireplace, she grasped onto the bedding, breathless, as his fingers played with her core for the second time. Her fingers ran through his dark hair as his lips kissed her breasts.

Her eyes closed taking it all in, moaning at the pleasure he was providing her, he pulled his fingers from her, allowing his lips to meet hers once again. She gasped in pleasure as he entered her. Moments later, she begged him to move faster, but he slid out of her.

"Will!" she whined, opening her eyes. He grasped her hand, bringing her to a sitting position. Their bodies joined again as he sat on the edge of the bed. She lowered herself onto him, wrapping her legs around him. His hands held her hips. Her arms wrapped around his neck. They moved in sync, their bodies pressed firmly together, faster and faster, until they simultaneously rode out the wave of pleasure.

/

They woke late the following morning, the after effects of their evening still wearing off. Alicia sat up in bed against the pillows. Will leaned against her, resting his head near her shoulder.

One arm around him, she ran her fingers softly through his hair. "When do we need to pick the kids up?"

"Mom said she'd bring them home tonight," he said, yawning, still trying to wake up. "I thought we could do some wedding planning today since we haven't had time before now. And against my better judgment we should take a look at Thompson's offer."

"We aren't going to accept any offer are we?"

"We have to let our clients see it. But unless the offer includes an amount that's as high as we think we can get from a jury, then no."

He shifted some to wrap an arm around her middle. "For now, I'm going to rest here and listen to your heart beat." He closed his eyes settling more comfortably into her embrace.

/

Monday morning they walked into the court house together. Alicia's stomach was in knots. Her first time back in court in front of a real judge, and peers who weren't employees, was making her overly anxious.

She'd tried hard to push away all thoughts of what Thompson had said about her. But now that she was actually here to try a real case, she began doubting her abilities. The last thing she wanted to do was prove Thompson and his colleagues' right.

Will sensed her nervousness, and had been doing his best to calm her all morning. But he couldn't help the feeling of excitement that filled him. He'd been waiting a long time to argue a case in court with her again. Before her accident they'd been nearly unstoppable together. Everyone in Chicago's legal community knew it.

Will would never admit it, but there were a few times in the early months after her accident where other firms had taken advantage of the fact that the stellar duo had been broken apart. Will had managed fine, but even he would admit he was a better lawyer with his wife at his side. He and Alicia used to joke with each other that one good legal mind was him, another was her, but the best legal mind was by far the two of them together.

Thompson sat in court with his co-council, a smug smirk on his lips, across the isle from them. Will handled the questioning during the morning. When they came back from lunch, and Alicia had been delayed at the office a few minutes, Thompson rolled his chair closer to Will.

"Pressure too much for Alicia?"

Will sighed, closing the file in front of him. "It's Mrs. Gardner. And no, the pressure is fine," he said, glancing towards the door the judge would hopefully come through any second.

"Are you going to let her do any of the questioning? If it were me, I'd be worried she wasn't up to it. I mean she doesn't remember the past twenty years of practicing the law. I wouldn't want to let a case this big, that I'm certain to win by the way, rest in her hands."

He was trying to get under Will's skin, and it was almost working. "I don't tell her what to do. And I have every confidence in her abilities. My wife is going to destroy your case."

Thompson chuckled, nodding. "We'll see about that. I have a reputation for taking down first time lawyers in court."

Will wanted to punch him, but restrained himself as Thompson moved back to his table. Just seconds later he heard the familiar click of Alicia's heels coming towards him.

Court adjourned a few hours later. Flustered and fuming, Alicia fled the courtroom as soon as she could. Will followed right after. She refused to say anything until they were behind the closed doors of her office.

He wanted to hold her, make her feel better, but she moved from out of his grasp. Folding her arms across her chest she looked at him from across the room. A thin line spread over her lips. "I can't do this. He destroyed me. I looked like a complete idiot." The more time that passed the angrier she became.

"No, you didn't," he reassured her.

"If I would have done a better job, he wouldn't have been able to object so often." Her hands went to her hips. "All the objections threw me off track. I wouldn't be surprised if Marcy calls you up this afternoon and tells you pull me off the case."

"Leesh, calm down. You're being too hard on yourself. I thought you handled it fine. Throwing you off your game is exactly what he wanted."

"Well he succeeded!" she interrupted.

He moved closer to her. "Listen to me. It's okay. Marcy is not going to ask me to pull you off the case. Thompson was being a jerk. Most of the objections were unnecessary and the judge knew it. That's why he finally put a stop to it."

Moving to her again she didn't step away, so he reached to pull her closer. "It was your first day in court. It takes time to get into a rhythm. No one expected you to be perfect today. The fact that you're standing in court a competent lawyer fifteen months after that accident is nothing short of amazing. Everyone in that courtroom knew it, even Thompson."

She sighed, looking down at the floor, the tension in her body settling some. He gently reached a finger to her chin so she'd look at him again. "I'll tell you the same thing I did a few months ago when we did that mock trial. If you don't want to do any more of the questioning you don't have to. I'm happy just having you next to me in court again. But I believe in your abilities. If you decide you want to continue questioning witnesses, I'll support you."

She nodded, and stepped back to her desk. "I have some things I need to get done before we go home. Tonight we'll go over the remaining witnesses, and I want you to grill me, hard, just like you would with opposing counsel. I don't want you to hold back."

He nodded, placing his hands in his pockets. "Okay," They held eye contact for a few moments before he spoke up again. "I love you."

A little smile crossed her lips for the first time all afternoon. "I know. I love you too."

In the following few days Will handled all the questioning, but that was part of their plan, to make Thompson think he'd beaten Alicia down. Make him think he'd been right about her all along.

Will had come in fast and hard in defense of their clients, but by the end of the week it was still debatable as to which side the jury would choose. The following Monday the last few witnesses were being called to the stand. To the complete astonishment and utter surprise of Thompson and his team, Alicia went in for the kill.

Will sat back and watched the show play out before the courtroom, having to suppress a laugh a few times when Alicia had shut Thompson completely down with her own objections.

When it was her turn to question the witnesses Thompson tried to trip her up again, but this time it didn't work. She didn't miss a beat, tearing Thompson's witnesses to shreds, and showing an unmanning amount of sympathy for their own clients. Proving to the jury that what this company had done to her clients was unlawful, and immoral.

The whole thing had been quite the spectacle, and Will had drunk every second of it in. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed watching her in court until she was standing next to him doing it again. There would be no more questioning from the legal community about her abilities after this.

By the end of the day Thompson was red in the face with anger. He knew he'd lost before the jury would ever be sent out to decide on a verdict.

The courtroom emptied out quickly. Will and Alicia were gathering their things. "I think you should handle closing arguments tomorrow," Will said.

"Are you sure?" she responded.

"Yes. The jury likes you. They responded to you better than they did me."

Facing her he wrapped his arms around her, and pulled her in for a kiss. "You were amazing!" he said, smiling down at her.

"Thank you," she said, running her hand down his tie. "Let's go home. I'm exhausted."

He took her hand and they started for the exit. "I'll run you a warm bath when we get home. You certainly earned it today."

She paused and turned to look at him. "I think I'll just take a warm shower. But I wouldn't mind a massage after."

He nodded, and then pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. "I think I can handle that."


	53. Chapter 53

Life continued on in the months before the wedding. Alicia grew more comfortable in her role as lawyer and partner at a big firm; taking back many of her former clients from Will, Diane, and the few other partners they'd been spread among. Gradually the rumors of her incapability to practice the law had begun to turn to rumors of respect among the legal community.

Grace had another birthday. Will, Alicia, and the kids spent a long weekend in Wisconsin with Kurt and Diane on the shores of Lake Michigan.

With Veronica and Bill traveling a little less, and with Will's mother, as well as Josh and Julia living in town now, they spent a fair amount of Sunday evenings entertaining in the backyard.

Will and Alicia's counseling sessions with Dr. Benson had been cut back to once a month. In the middle of August Dr. Benson decided it was time to begin cutting back the dose on Alicia's depression medication. Something she was more than glad to be doing.

On the face of it everything looked normal after so many months of ups and downs. They were living what most would consider a regular life for two people who ran their own law firm.

The difference between Will and Alicia, and others, was that there would probably always be issues to deal with related to her amnesia and head injury. Yes, she'd re-learned much of the law. She had a decent grasp of her past because of her journals, the photo albums, and everyone's willingness to retell the past. However, none of that would ever be the same as remembering all of it. The reality was that it was just plain difficult not to be able to recall things. Sometimes when searching for answers her mind would simply go blank. She'd become overwhelmed and doubt everything she was doing. Large social gatherings still made her very nervous.

Six weeks before the wedding, she and Will sat in the conference room working on a case with a team of their lawyers, and a team from the opposing side, all trying to negotiate.

Between the fast pace of the meeting, and the unfamiliar terms that were being thrown around the room, she'd eventually been unable to keep up, growing more frustrated with every passing minute. During the last half hour of the meeting she sat back and listened, but didn't register a single word being said.

After the meeting she went back to her office and sat on the sofa doing nothing. Will found her still sitting there awhile later.

"So that went well. We'll start depositions week after next if we need to. Do you want to work on the briefs, or..."

She was looking right at him, but her mind was somewhere else. After his first two sentences nothing else registered.

So focused on the case, it took him a few minutes to realize he'd been having a one way conversation. "Leesh, which do you want? The briefs, or witness prep?" He waited for an answer, but got none. "Leesh,"

Snapping out of what felt like a haze, she stood and went back to her desk. "I don't know." She sat in her chair and stared out the window.

"Okay, I'll get Karen to help you with the briefs if you don't have a preference."

"When do they need to be turned in?"

"By Friday."

"Does Karen have all the case notes?"

"No, you'll need to give her access to all the files. I think she was confused near the end of the meeting. You'll probably have to guide her through some of it."

"I can't." She finally turned her head, meeting his gaze.

"I...why? Do you have an appointment this afternoon?"

She leaned forward, placing her elbows on the desk, growing a little agitated. "No Will. I mean I can't explain the case to her because I don't understand it myself. My minds been going blank all day. I don't know the meaning to half the things said in that meeting. There were ten people in that room talking over each other. I couldn't follow half the conversation."

Frustrated, she stood and began to pace in front of him. "I should be able to keep it all straight. I should be able to focus long enough to get through an hour long meeting, but I couldn't do it today. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking into a brick wall over and over again." She hated this, feeling incapable and vulnerable.

He stood moving in front of her, forcing her to stand still. "Leesh, it's okay. It's just one of those days." This happened periodically, they both knew it. They both knew it would happen again. It was simply the way her mind worked now.

"I know. It just seems like I've found myself in these situations more frequently lately. I'm sorry. I'm sure if I sit down and read through everything again, Karen and I can get the briefs done."

"No, I'll go through it with you now. We can go at a pace that will work for you, and then you can work with Karen."

"But Will, you have other things you need to do."

"Leesh, I promise its fine."

"I don't know if I'll be able to stay focused very long right now."

"Then we'll take a break. Finish tonight after the kids go to bed if we need to."

He reached for her pulling her close to his warm body. "I know you feel frustrated when this happens. But it's fine. This is the way it is, and we work through it. You're having an off day, that's all. It's okay."

She wanted to believe him, but there was a tiny part of her that continued to feel anxious about everything. In the next few weeks her moods seemed to be on a roller coaster. One hour she'd be perfectly content, the next she'd feel anxious and depressed.

One night they were getting ready to attend an Illinois Bar Association gala. She stood in front of him tying his bow tie. "I'm glad you remember how to do this. I hate tying these things. It's not as easy as a regular tie."

She laughed. "I didn't remember. Diane showed me how to do it this afternoon after she told me I'd probably need to do yours." She finished and stood back to admire her work. "Not bad for my first time."

He turned and looked in the mirror. "That does look good. Don't be surprised if we have to stall the wedding after you walk down the aisle so you can straighten me out."

She laughed some more, straightening out his jacket taking in the sight of him in a tux. "You might have to put in some practice between now and the wedding."

"We could get dressed for the wedding together. That would easily solve the problem." His hands moved to her hips.

"Nice try. But the dress is off limits for you until I walk down that aisle." She turned away from him to get some earrings. Feeling his eyes on her she smiled grabbing the pair she wanted. Turning back to face him as she put them on, she couldn't help but blush. "What are you staring at?" She knew full well, but wanted to hear him say it.

"My wife in this dress that's going to make every other male at the party jealous." Reaching for her again his eyes followed the path his hands took down the smooth dark blue silk fabric of her dress over her bare shoulders, down her sides over her perfect curves. Once his hands made their way to her hips he pulled her closer and pressed a firm, passionate kiss to her lips.

A half hour later, thinking nothing of it, they made their way through traffic to the venue, talking, laughing, unable to keep their eyes off each other. But soon after arriving at the gala everything changed. Unbeknownst to them, she'd become a person of interest, a topic of conversation once they'd arrived. Everyone wanted to get a look at, or have a chance to talk to Alicia Gardner. Her story fascinated people.

After being there just over an hour, barely being left alone long enough to eat, she felt dizzy. Will even grew annoyed by the number of people who'd interrupted their conversations with close acquaintances more than once. When he noticed another couple making their way towards them, he grabbed her hand leading her to the dance floor for a reprieve.

Closing her eyes she rested her chin on his shoulder, focusing on him and the music. But it was impossible to calm her nerves at that point. Feeling trapped, she turned to whisper in his ear. "Ozone"

Turning his head slightly, he whispered back. "You know I was about to say the same thing to you. Let's get out of here."

The following week Dr. Benson, after hearing about how things had been going, determined that her mood swings were probably due to her medication change. With only two weeks until the wedding, Alicia not wanting to deal with the emotional roller coaster of a detox in the next few weeks, convinced Dr. Benson to let her go back to the full dose until after the honeymoon.

It helped with the emotions, but not with her amnesia related symptoms. Wondering if something had changed, or gone wrong in her brain, the week before the wedding she insisted the doctors do an MRI at her monthly check-up. Everything looked fine. She tried to accept that, and focus on the wedding.

Now, the day before the wedding, she and Will were walking hand in hand among the grounds where they'd be married. It was beautiful. The large estate on the property was colonial style. The grounds were covered with brick paths that wound through lush gardens. The beginnings of fall touched the trees, causing the landscape before them to burst with a mix of green, dark red, orange and yellow. Just beyond the gardens were acres of grape vines that produced some of the best wine made in New York. It was better than any photos she'd seen. Better than anything she'd imagined it would be.

The warm afternoon sun shone down on them as they walked the path towards the area where the ceremony would take place. It was like a breath of fresh air, finally having a few minutes alone together after the hectic few months they'd had.

Owen had taken the kids to get ice cream, unable to handle another minute with their parents who'd been acting like a sappy engaged couple for months now. Even worse, being forced to spend the past two days following the engaged couple around New York so their father could walk all four of them down memory lane. It had gotten so bad in the past few days that by the time they got back to the hotel the previous night Grace and Zach had vociferously rejected doing anything but staying at the hotel so they could swim, and eat pizza in their pajamas.

 _\- The two stood in front of their parents, arms folded._

 _"There's this really great place I want to take your mom for dinner," Will had insisted._

 _"Then take her. But we're staying here. I don't want to eat any more of that crazy food you guys ate twenty-years ago." Grace held Will's attention as Alicia stood back and watched, doing her best to suppress a laugh._

 _The two kids were quickly bursting Will's bubble. "What do you mean strange? You told us you liked everything you've eaten since we got here."_

 _As the oldest child, Zach stepped in trying to play it cool, his hands moving to his pockets. "Look, Dad, the foods been great. What Grace is trying to say is that," he quickly glanced at Alicia. "We're really happy you two are so happy and in love and all that. It's just..." Suddenly he wasn't so sure he wanted to be so honest._

 _Alicia knew what was going on and reached for Will's arm lacing hers through his. "You two have been stuck with us for nearly forty-eight hours, and we're getting married in two days, and have been acting like it. You need a break? Not from us in a literal sense, but you need a break from the reminiscing, and the sightseeing, and your father leaning over to kiss me whenever we're waiting on a subway platform, or for a waiter to bring us our food?"_

 _Zach smiled, nodding his head. "Yeah, that sums it up pretty well."_

 _"Okay, go change into your swim suits. We'll come sit at the pool while you swim and try not to embarrass you. And when we get back to the room we can order that pizza you want." Alicia rustled his hair as the two happily turned to go to the adjoining room._

 _At that point Will knew it was hopeless to argue, keeping in mind that in a few short days he and Alicia could do whatever, whenever they wanted._

 _She turned to face Will. "Sorry, I guess the best Chinese food I've ever eaten, will have to wait until another day."_

 _He smiled bringing his hand to her cheek. "It's okay." He leaned in and pressed a kiss to her lips._

 _"They're already kissing again," Grace yelled, with a tinge of exasperation to Zach. She had come back into the room to grab a bag she needed._

 _Both Will and Alicia smiled, holding the kiss. -_

At the end of the path there was a clearing amongst the large aged trees, and acres of grape vines behind them. Will let go of her hand. Stepping a few feet ahead he turned to face her.

"They'll set up the chairs here." He held his arms out to the side. "And you'll walk down this path, Grace in front of you, Owen at your side."

Looking around she threaded her hand through his again. "Is this the same spot as it was twenty-years ago?" she asked, as they continued to walk.

"Yes." Moments later, beneath the shade of a tree, he stopped. Turning, he pulled her close to his body wrapping his arms around her. "I'll be standing right here unable to keep my eyes off you." He spoke softly as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"And then what?" Her dark lashes fluttered as she looked into his eyes.

He continued in a soft tone. "Then we'll exchange rings and vows, and the priest will give me permission to kiss you."

"Why don't you show me how that kiss will go?"

He reached to brush back the strands of her hair that were flying in the breeze. Resting his hand at the back of her neck, he leaned down and pressed a passionate kiss to her warm lips.

"The kids will roll their eyes if you carry on like that," she breathed, briefly breaking the connection.

He smiled just inches from her face. "I hope so."

He stared into her eyes sending a rush of ease and comfort through her body. Those dark brown eyes had been the first thing to provide her with any sort of ease and trust after waking up not knowing who or where she was eighteen-months prior. It had been the way he looked at her, different from everyone else, as if he could see into her soul.

Now so many months later she could almost tell what he was thinking whenever he looked at her, typically love and trust, but he had his other looks as well. The boyish gleam in his eye when he couldn't keep his gaze from wandering up and down her body, exactly the way he'd been looking at her for a good solid week now.

Or there was the way the brown irises turned slightly darker when he was angry. Such as the argument they'd gotten into about a month prior. A misunderstanding at work that had escalated when they'd gotten home and disagreed about something that Zach had done.

She now even recognized the look he held when he was sad. It had nearly torn her heart to shreds when they'd gone to the cemetery together on the recent anniversary of Kate's passing.

One look she'd become a little too familiar with in the past few weeks was when he worried - about her. That look was different from the one he held when he was worried or nervous about something at work, or even the kids.

She shook her head, brushing the thoughts from her mind. She didn't want to think about it.

"Were you nervous when we got married?" She released her hold around his neck, taking his hand so they could walk again. "I remember reading in my journal abut how your father had told me you were nervous, but was it true?"

He chuckled. "I was terrified."

"Really?" The comment came as a bit of a surprise.

"Terrified isn't the right word. That was one of the best days of my life. I couldn't wait to be married to you. But while we stood there at the alter kissing, it occurred to me the responsibility I'd just taken on, and it scared me half to death."

He glanced down at her. "I wanted nothing more in the world that day then to be your husband. And I've never considered us anything but equals. But in a matter of seconds you were no longer just my best friend, my girlfriend, or my lover. As your husband I felt, feel, like it's my responsibility to always protect you and the kids. To make certain you're always taken care of. I wanted to do all of that. But that day, and on many days since then, I didn't know if I could. If I can't, that means I've failed. It was the idea of failing you that really scared me."

Her grasp on his hand tightened. "You're track record looks pretty good from where I'm standing."

They continued to walk for awhile, and eventually headed back to the estate to go over a few last minute details with the wedding coordinator.

In the late afternoon Alicia could feel a headache coming on. In an attempt to keep it under control they kept things low key for the remainder of the day, sitting outside on the large patio under the shade of the large trees visiting with family, and the few friends who were staying with them at the estate. Just beyond the patio was a large pool, which the kids took advantage of.

That night the adults sat together talking after the kids had gone to bed. Will and Alicia sat next to each other, his arm draped over her shoulder. They were listening to the conversation going on around them, but not participating much, being caught up in their own little world. He leaned close to whisper something seductive in her ear. She nodded turning to him whispering back. Then looked at her watch as he whispered in her ear again, causing her to giggle quietly.

"You know, I think they're worse then they were twenty years ago." Julia said, gaining everyone's attention. "I remember them both being a little more discreet in their shows of affection back then."

This caught Alicia's attention, but not before Owen cut in.

"I think it's about the same. But you should have heard the stories Zach and Grace told me about them today."

Alicia rolled her eyes, causing Will to laugh under his breath. "Owen, stop it." She reached for her glass of wine. "We haven't been that bad."

Everyone laughed. "Yes, you have." Diane said, taking Kurt's hand into hers. "I'm very happy for both of you. But I, probably more than anyone in this room, am glad you're going on a long honeymoon. It will give you time to get all of it out of your systems so that when you come back to work, I can walk into your offices without feeling like I've stepped into the last scene of a romance film."

Alicia went to protest, but Will reached for her arm stopping her. "It's no use, Leesh. As usual Diane is right. We'd lose this case in court."

"Is this honeymoon still a big secret?" Sara asked. "Or are you just unwilling to tell your older sister?" She definitely had Will's attention.

"You're not the only one being left in the dark." Julia looked at Alicia. "Come on, twenty-four hours from now you two will be headed for that honeymoon. It's time to let that cat out of the bag."

Will and Alicia shared a knowing look. They both enjoyed the fact that they'd been able to keep this a secret.

"Not going to happen Jules," Will responded. "We'll have our phones if there's an emergency. I promised Alicia a trip without work and interruptions, and that's what she's going to get. If someone absolutely needs us, and our phones don't have coverage, there's a list of hotels we'll be staying at locked up in my office safe. Someone I trust has the combination to the lock."

All eyes turned to Diane. She was the obvious choice in everyone's mind. "Don't look at me. I don't have it. Will said if I had to call either of them about work it better be for nothing less than the Feds raiding our offices for something they claim he or Alicia had done."

Everyone laughed. "And I meant it," he added. Then he looked at Aubrey and Owen. "Just so we're clear, any incoming calls from either of you will be ignored."

Aubrey feigned hurt. Owen just laughed. "So you two don't want any unexpected room service or early morning wake-up-calls this time around?"

Alicia glared at him. Will laughed under his breath. "Not if you want to continue to live when we get back."

Owen couldn't keep from laughing. "I would have loved to have seen Alicia's reaction at two in the morning."

"I still can't believe you two did that." Will's mother said.

"Mom, we were young and in college, and we didn't have anyone else to hang out with at their wedding. All their friends were _sophisticated_ professionals." Aubrey turned to Julia. "No offense Julia. But your crowd bored us to death back then."

"No offense taken."

"Owen and I came up with our plan while you two were out on the dance floor unable to keep your hands or eyes off each other." Aubrey added, looking at her brother.

After the wedding twenty years prior Will and Alicia had gone to stay at a nearby hotel for their wedding night before flying out the next day for their honeymoon. Owen and Aubrey had called the hotel and had room service deliver something to them three times during the night. They'd also set up an early morning wake-up call for five in the morning. When Will and Alicia, after talking to the hotel staff the next day, figured out what had happened they'd both called their siblings and had a four letter word with each of them.

Will put his arm across Alicia's back leaning closer to their two siblings. "And this is why no one knows where we're going, or staying. If somehow you two end up getting that information and use it try to pull something similar, just remember that our children will be under your supervision for a few days while we're gone, and that while they love being with you two, I guarantee I can get them to make your lives miserable if I need to."

"Is that a threat big brother?" Aubrey said, laughing along with everyone else.

"Yes, and trust me you don't want to cross him when he threatens to use the kids." Alicia added, in Will's defense.

"And with that, I think it's time to get some sleep." Will stood taking Alicia's hand to follow. "We'll see all of you tomorrow."

Once he'd closed the door to their room, she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Thank you for backing me up down there." He kissed her softly, his hands roaming over her body.

"Anything for you," she breathed against his neck. Her headache still lingered, but she was filled with excitement and comfort in his arms. Finally able to let the anticipation and fun of the wedding flow through her, they spent the next while making love to each other. Afterwards they lay tangled together drifting off to sleep.

During the night Alicia grew wrestles in her sleep. The movement waking Will, he turned to face her. Clearly not awake he wrapped his arm securely around her in an effort to calm the dream was having.

 _\- She stood in a white gown, not one she recognized, in a field with Will surrounded by everyone she knew. They were happy, celebrating their new marriage. Slowly everyone around them started to fade into the background and disappear. As she looked around at the faces that just moments before had been familiar, one by one they became unfamiliar. All except for Will. She began to feel confused, unable to remember where she was or what was going on._

 _She grabbed onto Will's hand, the confusion turning to fear. "Will, what's happening?"_

 _She looked at him for reassurance, and an answer, but he didn't say anything. Little by little she was losing her memory, her identity, everything slipping away just as the people around her._

 _Soon, Will was the only one left standing next to her, but he to soon started drifting away from her. Her body tensed, becoming more frightened, she held onto his hand as best she could, but he kept drifting further and further away she couldn't hold on, she couldn't move. "Will, no! Come back. Will!" she cried, just before he disappeared._

 _Moments later, tears streaming down her face, the sun beating down on her, she took in her surroundings. Nothing was familiar. She couldn't recall where who or where she was._

 _Feeling truly terrified she glanced down towards the grass beneath her feet taking in the white dress she wore. Panic set in. Turning quickly, unable to see anyone else, her feet finally able to move, she began to run._

 _"Help!" she cried, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Please, someone help!"_

 _In the distance she heard a voice._

 _"Alicia,"_

 _She stopped running in an attempt to find the unfamiliar voice._

 _"Alicia," she heard again. Feeling a hand on her arm she jumped waking from the dream. -_

In the first few seconds after bolting upright in the bed, her heart racing, she frantically looked around the room. Unable to place it, she grasped onto the pillow next to her, before she realized someone was right next to her with his hand on her arm.

"Leesh," Will said, concern written all over his face.

She stared at him for a few seconds as her surroundings finally registered in her mind.

"Will." Filling with relief, but unable to control the sobs, her body collapsed against his, burying her head into his chest. He wrapped her into his embrace as her grasp on him tightened.

"Shhhhh, its okay," he said. "It was just a dream."

After the tears subsided, she told him about the dream. "I know the doctors said that everything looked great last week. That if anything my brain scans look better then they did three months ago. I know that some of this is from the medication changes in the past few weeks. But Will," Her gaze moved to the large window across the room. "Lately, I've been scared to death that I'll wake up one day and won't remember anything. And after a dream like that, it's difficult to not worry, or be a bit nervous at the thought."

"I know. And I'm sure I can't even imagine how scary that must be." Running his hands soothingly over her back, he held her gaze. "But I've got to believe what the doctors say. Everything is fine. The chances of you losing your memory again are almost non-existent. We're going to get the medication thing under control. You've seemed better in the past week already."

She knew he was trying to be encouraging, and she appreciated it. Just having him there next to her to help calm her down made the situation easier.

"I have felt better the past week or so. And I know you're right. It's just…" She turned to rest more comfortably against him.

He kissed the top of her head. "Leesh, I think it's just the stress of wedding, and everything else. Your mind is playing tricks on you. It's going to be okay, I promise. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Just hold me." She pulled his arm more securely around her. As the minutes passed her heart rate went back down. She felt less scared, and anxious. He talked to her, trying to distract her from the dream. He'd become an expert at this. Although, she thought, he'd probably always been good at comforting her.

Awhile later she looked at the clock on the bedside table. "We have to be up in a few hours."

His lips curved upwards. "We should probably go back to sleep. I don't want you to be tired on your wedding day."

She leaned close and gave him a quick kiss. "I have something for you first." She pulled the covers from off her legs, and climbed out of bed. "I was going to wait until morning, but I want you to have it now."

She returned to the bed, after retrieving a box from her bag. Snuggling in close again, she handed it to him. He seemed genuinely touched by the gesture. A warm smile crossed his features in the dim glow of the lamp light. Opening the box, his eyes briefly met hers after seeing what was inside.

"My father's watch." He sat back against the soft pillows lifting the watch from the box.

"I found it tucked away in your sock drawer last month. When I saw the engravings on the back, I asked your mother about it."

He turned the watch over in his hand and read the dates inscribed on back, the earliest dating back to 1939, the wedding date of his grandparents. Will's grandfather had given it to his only son on his wedding day, Will's father. Will's father had done the same, passing it on to Will the day he and Alicia had been married. The dates of each wedding were inscribed on the back. Getting a little choked up, he read the last date on the watch. The one Alicia had added a few weeks prior. Will pulled her closer, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head while looking at the clock. "Today's date," he said, quietly. "The day I get to marry the love of my life all over again."

Settling her body against his, she placed her hand on his chest. "Your mom told me about your grandparents, how in love they were, and how difficult it was for your grandmother to send him off to war."

He shook his head at the memory that flooded through him in that instance. "Did she tell you the part of the story about my grandfather being injured in the war?"

Her arm stretched around his middle as she held him tight. "The part about how his unit took on heavy artillery fire, and how he was injured and knocked unconscious? About how he woke up ten days later with dissociative amnesia caused by the trauma, and couldn't remember your grandmother for awhile? Yes, she told me."

He leaned over and kissed her forehead. "When the doctors told me you had amnesia, I figured it was the same as my grandfather's had been. That because of the trauma from the accident you'd never remember that day, but that the other things they said you couldn't remember would come back in a few days or weeks, just like his had. I didn't know there were different types of amnesia. My grandmother said the two months after his accident were the longest of her life. He was overseas recovering, so she couldn't see him. All she could do was write to him and hope that when he came home he'd recognize her, get his memories of her back. The amnesia was temporary. And he did remember her. It all came back when he saw her." He ran his hand up and down her arm.

"And nine-months later your father was born." Alicia looked up at him. He nodded turning the watch over in his hand a few more times.

"Thank you for this. It means a lot to me."

She reached her free hand to his cheek. "You're welcome." She leaned in and kissed him softly.

Pulling apart, he leaned over and turned the lamp back out. Shifting more comfortably beneath the sheets, his body pressed against hers again. "I can't wait to marry you in a few hours." He said softly, as she rested her head on his chest.

"I can't wait to marry you either. And Will,"

"Hmm, he said, sleepily.

"Thank you for making me feel better." Finally able to relax, her mind at peace, she fell into a deep blissful sleep.


	54. The Wedding

The morning sun filtered through the window across the room as Will woke from a deep, restful sleep. Shifting beneath the sheets, he moved closer to Alicia's sleeping body, wrapping his arm gently around her middle. Being here in the place where they'd first sealed their marriage, had brought on an onslaught of memories from twenty years ago. All the fun and excitement mixed with the little bit of chaos their mothers had created. The wedding had been wonderful. But once it was over and he and Alicia were on their way to their honeymoon, it had almost felt rushed.

It wouldn't be that way this time. The number of guests that would be attending today was less than half the number they'd had the first time. Instead of being separated from her the night before the wedding and taken out to celebrate his, _last night of freedom,_ as his groomsmen had teased over and over again, he'd fallen asleep next to her. Last time around he hadn't even seen Alicia the day of the wedding until she walked down the aisle. Waking up with her in his arms right here was far better than waking up alone one floor down from her.

Snuggling closer to her, he remembered thinking back then as she'd walked down the aisle, how much he loved her, how beautiful she was, how perfect they were together. He couldn't have imagined loving her any more than he had that day. He thought he knew what love was back then. Lying next to her now he acknowledged he'd been clueless. The love he held for her now was endless, stronger than anything he could have imagined twenty years ago. His heart was so full of love and devotion to her that sometimes it felt like they shared the same soul. Almost as if they were one person. The thrilling thought that passed through his mind in that quiet moment was that he knew that twenty years from now he'd love her even more. The thought was mind boggling. And when they were old and gray he hoped desperately he'd pass on before she did. Because he knew he was incapable of living without her.

Beginning to wake, she slowly turned to face him, meeting his gaze with her sleepy hazel eyes. Before saying a single word, she stretched her neck and kissed his lips, then settled into his embrace.

"What time is it?" she asked, closing her eyes again.

"I don't know." He turned his head, shifting beneath her so he could press soft kisses to her face and neck. She sighed happily holding her eyes closed.

"I'm really excited for today, Will," she said, quietly, running her hand over his shoulder.

"I'm excited too," he mumbled, against her bare skin.

Blissfully unaware of the time, and enjoying the peace and quiet in bed, they were both startled when a loud knock came to the door.

"Mom, Dad, are you guys ever coming out of there? Grandma said we have to leave in ten minutes," Grace called, from behind the door.

Alicia's eyes flew open, reaching frantically for her phone on the bed side table, as Will continued to press soft kisses to her neck. After seeing the time, she sighed, placing the phone down next to her. "Grace, tell your Uncle that wasn't funny."

Will smiled against her bare skin, as his hand moved slowly down her body.

"Just making sure you two love birds were awake," Owen called, from the hall.

"We'll be down for breakfast in a few minutes," Alicia replied. The giggling and footsteps from outside their room quickly faded.

"Is he ever going to grow up?" Alicia rolled her eyes.

Will moved on top of her. "He'll always be a big kid at heart."

Cupping his face in her hands she pressed a lingering kiss to his lips.

"We really should get up." Her hands moved to his shoulders, his eyes remained fixed on hers.

"What if I don't want to get up? What if I want to stay right here in bed with my wife for the rest of the day?"

She giggled. "You can do that tomorrow. Today you have an important date to keep. I'm not about to let that dress go to waste." She gently pushed him off her and sat up placing her feet on the plush carpet.

"We could be quick. Five minutes," he breathed against her neck, slipping his hand under her shirt.

She turned towards him, placing her hand to his cheek. "Patience, my love. Patience. I think we should wait until tonight." She pecked his lip quickly, then stood to go shower.

His eyes followed her to the bathroom. After she shut the door, he lay back, one arm behind his head. He felt like he was twenty-five again anticipating the wedding night. But he wouldn't allow that part of him to overtake the significance of the day's events that would lead up to the night his body hungered for. He already knew he'd be the one caught lost in thought during the day. Staring up at the ceiling it was already happening, his mind had quickly wandered once again back to their first wedding.

"Will," Alicia said again, poking her head around the bathroom door.

Coming out of his thoughts, he turned and looked at her. "What?"

Shaking her head with a smile she responded. "Will you grab a robe for me from the closet?"

Sitting up, he turned to face her. "Yeah, I'll bring it in in a minute."

"Thank you. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm great."

She nodded then blew him a kiss before ducking back into the bathroom.

Awhile later after checking on a few last-minute details for the ceremony, they were back in their room. She was getting her purse to head out for a salon appointment with the other women.

As she turned to leave, she caught him staring at her again. He'd been doing it all morning as if he were memorizing every single moment. But he'd been awfully quiet. Not the way he got when he was upset, but as if he was concentrating on a difficult case.

"I'll see you in a few hours." He captured her in his arms for one last lingering kiss.

Wrapping her arms around his neck, she deepened the kiss.

"Alicia, we need to go." Veronica, called from the other side of the door.

Breaking the kiss, Alicia sighed pressing her forehead to his. He knew exactly what she was thinking. "In a few more hours there won't be anyone around to interrupt," he reassured her.

"I can't wait." She wanted to stay right there in the warmth of his embrace but knew she couldn't. She pulled him to her, tightening her grasp. "I love you."

Resting his chin on her shoulder, he whispered in her ear. "I love you more." Reluctantly, he let go of her. Their hands brushing as she turned to leave the room.

Hours later, alone for a few quiet minutes, she stood in front of the full-length mirror staring at her reflection. Her hair pulled back, with just a few tiny white flowers pinned to the side of the loose twist. The dress was sleeveless, with bits of detail at the bodice, the soft white fabric gathered slightly at her left hip then flowed fittingly over her slim figure pooling at her feet. It was a bit surreal to stand there in a wedding dress. Even now nearly two years since her accident, she sometimes couldn't believe the reflection that stared back at her through the mirror, so different from the sixteen-year old reflection she recalled so vividly in her mind. Her stomach fluttered with excitement as she turned slightly to get a better view of the back of the dress. She knew Will would love it. She couldn't wait to be standing next to him in it.

Taking one last look in the mirror, her thoughts turned to the dream she'd woken up from just hours before, replacing the flutters of excitement with a shiver that went down her spine.

She'd hoped desperately that being here where they'd married the first time, or putting on the dress, would spark some sort of memory from twenty years past, but it hadn't. It made her a little sad, wondering briefly if the reason Will had been so quiet all morning was that he'd been hoping the same thing and been a little disappointed when nothing had materialized.

Lost in thought she ignored the knock that came to the door, but moments later turned and smiled at the women that entered the room.

"Wow, Leesh, you look amazing!" Julia moved quickly to her side to admire the dress more closely.

"She looks like a princess," Grace said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Yes, she does," Diane said.

"He won't be able to keep his eyes off you," Julia continued.

"As if that's anything knew," Veronica added. The women all laughed, causing Alicia to blush.

Alicia stepped over to Grace. "You look like a princess too sweetie. Are you ready?"

"Yes," the eleven-year old beamed.

They all chatted for a few more minutes before being interrupted by Owen who entered the room clearing his throat.

"Excuse me ladies, but I've come to tell you it's time for everyone to take their places, and to escort the bride to the ceremony."

All eyes were on him, or rather the large bouquet of dark purple and white calla lilies in his hands. "That is if you're done doing whatever it is you all do before a wedding."

Alicia broke the silence amongst the women. "Who are the flowers for?"

"These?" He pointed to the vase in his hand. "Let's see, I got them from Zach, who came up here to get something from his room. He said he got them from his grandmother." He looked at Veronica. "His other one. Who I think got them from Will."

Alicia rolled her eyes. Owen held out the vase for her. "If I had to guess, I'd say they were for you. But maybe you should check the card."

As she went to take the flowers from her brother, there was a brief moment of dejavu, as though they'd done this before.

The women admired the flowers. Julia thought to snap a quick picture before they filed out of the room, leaving Alicia alone again. She set the vase on the table, and lifted the small envelope from the bouquet.

The note inside read,

 _You're the source of my joy, the center of my world. You'll always be the love of my life. My heart is and will forever, be yours._

 _Will_

Her heart was full as she slipped the note back into the envelope, took one last look at herself in the mirror, and grabbed her bouquet before stepping out into the hall to meet Owen. All she wanted in that moment was to be with Will.

They made their way outside and headed towards the garden where the ceremony would take place. A light breeze blew as they walked in the warm late afternoon sun. Owen was talking, but her thoughts were on Will. As they got closer, music could be heard in the distance. They came around the last bend on the path before the short distance to the front of the crowd.

As a warm gust of wind blew past, the music in the background, taking in her surroundings, everything momentarily faded into the background as she caught sight of Will. She stopped walking her gaze fixed on him, but it wasn't the present version of him that briefly flashed through her mind.

Just moments before Will stood in front of the crowd next to Zach anxiously waiting. Everything seemed perfect, and strikingly similar to the way it had before with the white chairs filled with guests, the brick path Alicia would soon walk down lined with white rose pedals, the trees in the background glowing with fall colors. His mind drifted back to the day he'd married Alicia and everything that they'd been through since then. Everything from the greatest happiness to the deepest sorrow, yet they'd managed to come through it together and in one piece so to speak. The emotional realization of it all in that moment was overwhelming.

Minutes later, Grace appeared around the corner, he watched intently anticipating Alicia's arrival. The same thrill that had flooded him the moment he'd first seen her in this same spot twenty years ago, rushed through him again as he saw her making her way to him in the distance. The sight of her took his breath away.

He watched as she and Owen drew closer. His eyes focused on hers as she stopped and looked away. More than a few seconds passed, everyone watched, wondering the reason for her pause.

Only he could have guessed in that moment the reason she stood still as if time had briefly frozen. He'd witnessed it before a hundred times. He didn't know what she'd remembered, only that she'd remembered something. It must have been something good, he guessed, as her gaze slowly met his again. She smiled as a few tears slipped silently down her cheeks. As their eyes met it was his heart that momentarily stopped. He hadn't seen that look on her face in two years. He knew she loved him, she'd shown him, told him, every day for the last year. They'd fallen in love all over again, but the look on her face in that moment was one he'd longed to see without ever realizing it.

It was the look she'd given him the night of their first date right after they'd kissed for the first time, the same one she'd given him when they'd made love to each other for the first time. A look she'd held after he'd cheered her up the first time she'd really messed up at work and been chewed out by one of the partners at her firm. The same look she'd given him when he'd held her after her father had died, when he'd proposed, when they'd found out she was pregnant, and on and on and on. It was a look saved only for him. A look they shared in their most intimate moments that told him she trusted him with her life, and loved him completely, unconditionally, from the very depths of her soul. To see that look in this very moment was all he needed to live.

The audience watched, no one quite understanding what was going on between the two as a few tears fell from his own eyes. With a smile that conveyed her love for him she quickened her pace with Owen to get to him.

Standing in front of him, his hands moved to her hips. "You look absolutely beautiful," he managed.

"You're not supposed to cry," she said softly, inches from his face, reaching a finger to wipe away his few stray tears. "Because if you do, then I'll cry, and my makeup will run, and I'll look a mess." A gentle smile crossed her lips as he wiped away her tears.

He leaned closer pressing his forehead to hers. "You could never look a mess to me." Momentarily brushing aside the reason they were standing there, he continued. "Tell me...what did you remember?"

Looking up at him from under her dark lashes she reached a hand to his cheek, moving close enough so she could whisper in his ear. "You," she breathed, as her hand slowly slipped from his face, and she stood back a bit turning her attention to the ceremony.

He wondered what exactly that meant, but right now wasn't the time to get more details.

Just as the entire day had been, the ceremony wasn't rushed. They took their time exchanging vows and rings, and the kiss at the end lingered until finally Zach couldn't take it anymore and broke it up.

Later, as the sun began to fade in the distance he held her in his arms as they moved slowly across the dance floor. Eyes closed, her head rested softly against his shoulder, perfectly content to live in their own little world for the moment.

"You had flowers delivered to me before we got married, just like today, didn't you?"

"Yes. Did you remember our wedding, the first one? Is that why you looked at me the way you did today?"

They continued to move slowly to the music. "No. When Owen handed the flowers to me today, it just felt like he'd done it before."

She turned her head to meet his gaze, her hands moving to his shoulders. "I haven't recalled a single thing from that day. I may never. Earlier, when I was getting ready, I thought about that, and it disappointed me. It made me sad. I wanted to remember the beginning of us, of our marriage." A lump forming in her throat, she looked away at the crowd around her, everyone talking, dancing, enjoying the warm evening air around them.

"It doesn't matter, Leesh," he whispered, close to her ear.

"I know." Meeting his gaze, she looked deep into his eyes. "It doesn't matter because that wasn't really the beginning of us. It was just a stepping stone. One brief moment along the path that brought us to today, and that will carry us into tomorrow. The beginning was the day you finally managed to get me to look you in the eye after doing a cannonball in that pool, coming out of the water right in front of me. You'd been watching me all night. I was going to give you a piece of my mind when your head came up out of the water, but I didn't."

"Yeah, because the blonde moved in between us to hand me a towel. You remember that?"

She moved close, her arms moving from his shoulders to wrap around his neck. "No. I read that in my journal. But what I did remember today when I first saw you standing at the front of that aisle was the moment your head came out of the water and our eyes met. And that wasn't the only moment just like that that flashed through my mind in those few brief seconds this afternoon. It was like watching a slideshow. It was only images of you looking at me," A tear managed to slip from her eye in that instance. "Just like you are now, and all the stupid little doubts and hesitancies I didn't realize I'd been holding towards you were gone. I'm the one that's not allowed myself to be completely secure in our relationship."

"Leesh, that's understandable."

"Yes. But in that moment, all the insecurities washed away, and I knew I loved you completely. Even if I don't remember most of our past, I can honestly say I've loved you unconditionally with all my heart for a very, very, long time." She paused to take in a deep breath attempting to hold back more tears that were threatening. "I've loved every single moment of today, and I'll always cherish it. But it's not about the big events in our lives. It's about all the little moments put together over the years that have made our life what it is." She leaned in and pressed a warm, soft, kiss to his lips.

The evening moved along with more dancing, the cutting of the cake, and visiting with everyone.

When it was time for them to leave, they said goodbye to the kids. "You're sure you'll be all right while we're gone?" Alicia asked.

"Yes, we'll be fine Mom." Grace replied.

"Behave for your grandmothers, and don't get into too much trouble with your Aunt and Uncle. Make sure you do all your homework. I don't want to come home and find out you two have a bunch of missing assignments. And if you need to call us,"

Will chuckled, reaching for Alicia's arm to get her attention. Zach and Grace had heard this speech four times in the past two days. "They know what to do if they need us," he reassured her, taking her hand, leading her to the car beneath a shower of white rose petals being thrown from their guests.

Just after Will turned onto the main road away from the vineyard, Alicia turned to him. "Are you sure we can leave the kids for so long?"

He smiled pulling to the side of the road, then turned to face her. "Yes, I'm sure. They are in very good hands. They'll probably be having so much fun they'll barely notice we're gone." He placed his warm hands on her arms, looking right into her eyes. "Now, for the next few weeks we don't have any responsibilities. All you need to worry about is making sure we get out of our hotel room in enough time to make our flight tomorrow."

Holding his gaze, she nodded, reaching for his jacket. "How quickly can you get us to the hotel?" Her eyes wandered seductively over his body.

Heat rising through him, unable to hold the desire in any longer, it took all the self-control he had left to not make love to her right then. His hand slowly slid down her arm, moving to the gear shift. "Not quick enough," he said, pulling out onto the road again. "Definitely not quick enough."

The hotel lobby was crowded when they arrived. One person in line ahead of them, Alicia leaned close to Will.

"Everyone is staring at us."

Will quickly glanced around. "No, everyone's staring at you, wondering how a guy like me got so lucky."

She playfully slapped his arm. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"No, but it's the truth." He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, placing his arm across her back to mark his territory, just to make certain the men in business suits who couldn't keep their eyes off his wife didn't get any ideas.

It was this, the first night of their honeymoon, that he'd planned and kept from her. When they entered the suite, there was trail of rose pedals on the plush carpet leading to the bedroom. Champaign and flowers like the ones he'd given her earlier were sitting on the coffee table in front of the fireplace. His eyes wandered up and down her body as she walked across the room, pulling back the curtains covering the doors that led to their private balcony.

She stood still staring out at the night, as he walked slowly to her. Her breath caught as his lips touched the bare skin at the back of her neck.

She smiled in blissful satisfaction as his arms wrapped around her middle, his lips making their way to her ear, then her cheek. "It's beautiful," she sighed, relaxing into his embrace.

"Yes, you are," he replied, in between kisses.

She turned slowly in his arms to face him pressing her lips to his, managing to remove his bow tie and unfasten a few of the buttons on his shirt while the kiss lingered. Minutes later, he pulled away, taking her hand, leading her to the bedroom where the bed coverings had already been pulled down.

After slipping off his jacket, his hands made slow work of undoing the buttons of her dress. He intended to burn this night into her memory with every breath, and touch of his skin.

The dress slipped from her body. He stood to admire her for a moment, an audible moan of approval slipped from his lips as she reached to loosen the pins in her hair allowing her dark locks to fall over her bare shoulders. He loved her like this, her hair down, her body nearly bare. A bra and lace panties were all that lay between her and where he wanted so desperately to be.

Just as he'd methodically removed her dress, she did the same to him. Removing is his shirt to reveal his toned chest and arms, then his pants, and boxers fell to the floor. Holding his gaze, she moved to the bed inviting him to join her..

He smiled, hovering over her. Her hardened nipples shown easily through the fabric of her bra. After kissing her again his hands gently slipped her underwear off. His fingers slowly moving to her core, where she was already hot and wet. She moaned as his fingers played with her. "I'm going to worship every inch of you tonight," he breathed leaning down to kiss along her jaw.

Her breathing already quickened from the slow intentional buildup, her fingers dug into the skin of his back. "I'll enjoy every last second of that." Her hands moved to his neck, forcing him to look at her. "But right now, I want, no need, to feel you inside of me." His eyes fixed on hers. "Please Will, take me now."

He pressed his lips hard and firm to her hers. Moments later he moved off of her, causing a desperate pout to form on her lips. He laughed softly as he removed her bra and then moved back on top of her.

Pinning her beneath him, he quickly entered her and began thrusting at a steady pace. She reached her hands to the headboard behind them for better leverage and movement. Neither one held back, allowing audible moans and sighs to escape their lips. Moments later, as if he read her mind he quickened the pace. Every nerve in her body tingled in a blissful sensation. Right at the point of no return, she looked him in the eye, a heated desire pulsating through her entire body. "Now," she pleaded. And with one last deep, hard thrust they both cried out.

The love making lingered throughout the night with slow intermittent breaks to share a glass of Champaign, a warm soothing shower, and snuggling beneath a blanket on the balcony to simply talk and enjoy the view.

After their last encounter that had been slow, passionate, and drained both of them of the last of their energy, in the wee hours of the morning before the sun came up, they lay together in the bed. Her head settled against his shoulder, she closed her eyes. "Can we do it all over again tomorrow?"

He chuckled, his strong arm pulling her closer. "We can do whatever you want."

 **A/N; I hope this was all right for everyone. Thank you all so much for continuing to read and review.**


	55. The Honeymoon Part 1

The Greek islands were breathtaking. Everything from the old stone buildings with their white washed exteriors, to the ancient ruins, lush vegetation, cobblestone streets that wound through towns like a maze, all surrounded by the dark azure blue waters of the Mediterranean.

Will and Alicia had been in Santorini for four days. Alicia had already told Will, a half-dozen times, she wasn't going back to Chicago. Especially with another cold winter just a month or so away.

Settled together on the large lounge chair out on the balcony of their hotel room set high on the cliffs overlooking the famous caldera below, she settled more comfortably against him as the sun began to set in the distance.

"The kids would love it here," she mused, threading her fingers through his. "Our own little villa. We'd only need one car because we could walk to practically everything we'd need. When the kids weren't in school we could go explore one of the dozens of islands near by." She turned her head to look at him. "And we could enjoy sunsets like this every night."

He laughed softly wrapping his arm around her. "Yes, just like this, with the kids inside our little villa arguing, or asking what's for dinner. And what do we do for work? How are we going to pay for this lifestyle you're envisioning?"

"We can open up a small two-person firm," she argued.

He laughed some more shifting his body to face hers. "Diane would never forgive us. And I'm not so certain that we could just come here and practice law."

Her smile disappeared, forming a thin, pouty line across her lips. "You're too practical. You're ruining the fantasy."

He leaned closer bringing a finger to her chin. "You know what's funny, is that you are usually the practical one."

The smile reappeared seeming to beam through her eyes. "Yes, but I'm on vacation. I don't have to be _practical._ " She reached across his body for her glass of wine. "Which is why I'm going to have another glass of this before dinner, and continue to imagine us living here."

"I'll have to ration the bottles you had sent home today," he said, reaching for the bottle of red they'd purchased near the end of the tour they'd taken through some of the islands wineries earlier in the day. One of the reasons they, well Alicia really, had chosen Santorini for a portion of their trip was because it was supposedly the "Napa Valley" of Greece. With several wineries and varieties of wine sprawled across the island. Their tour had included visiting the island's wine museum, four separate wineries, and tastings at each place. The tour was small consisting of only six people which made for a very enjoyable, intimate, and informative way to spend a good portion of their day.

"You wouldn't have to ration it if we lived here." She raised her brow to him then pressed a wine-stained kiss to his lips before he could respond.

His free hand traveled over her body after breaking the kiss. His forehead pressed to hers. "If life could always be like the past few days, I'd move here in a heartbeat." His eyes sparkled in the fading sunlight as he held her gaze.

"Let's stay in for dinner tonight," she said, softly. "This view is as good as any of the restaurants, and we won't have to fight the crowds." She set her wine glass down, and moved her hand to his chest, as she pressed her lips firmly to his once more.

Sighing happily into the kiss, his hand moved under her shirt to the soft, bare skin of her back. "And after dinner maybe we could take a dip in the pool? The beaches have been great, but there are certain advantages to having an infinity pool close to our room," he suggested.

"And I don't think I'll ever get enough of seeing you in that red two-piece bikini," he continued, as his eyes wandered over the curves of her body.

She giggled as he moved on top of her. "I have a different one for Athens." She wrapped her arms around his neck, and smiled at the boyish look of surprise and wonder in his eyes.

"Really? You don't need to wait to wear it in Athens on my account."

"It's more fun to leave you in suspense," she teased.

He reached his fingers to her side to tickle her. "And do you have a different one for Crete?" he questioned.

Squirming beneath him in laughter, she managed to catch his gaze, and hold his hand still briefly. "I might," she chuckled.

His hands assaulted her again. A few moments later, trying to catch her breath, she managed to get a tight hold around one of his wrists. "Stop," she pleaded, still laughing.

"What do I get if I stop?" He held his hands still kneeling over her.

She turned her head, gaining a view of his watch. "Whatever you want for the next ten minutes."

Releasing her wrists, he reached a hand to his chin, pretending to be deep in thought which only caused her to laugh some more. "Deal," he said, a few moments later moving off her. Taking her hand into his he led her back inside.

A few hours later she rested against him in the warm pool water, his arms wrapped around her, as they looked out at the moonlit horizon. They were the only ones in the pool. Another couple sat together on lounge chairs at the opposite end from them. Other than that, they were alone.

She relished in this, she had since they'd arrived, being wrapped up in his warm embrace, the views, the sound of the people in the distance enjoying their evenings, the quiet lapse of the water that surrounded them in the pool and far below at the feet of the steep cliffs.

As she gazed out at the horizon, his lips brushing her neck, she thought back on the past few days. It had been pure unadulterated bliss. Sleeping when they wanted, eating when they wanted. Making love to each other in the middle of the night, or the middle of the afternoon, whatever suited them or their schedule. They'd spent countless hours in each other's arms among the soft bedding. They'd held hands walking the old windy streets of the island, and among the beaches. They'd taken an afternoon and walked the road from Fira to Oia, after being told there were some, "must see views" that you couldn't get in a car. They'd stayed in Oia that evening, sat on the rocks atop the cliffs with a picnic dinner they'd picked up in town, along with tourists and locals alike to take in what had been coined, one of the best places on earth to view a sunset. It had been spectacular, the vast array of colors that shown in the sky and reflected off the water as the sun left the day to night. She'd engraved that scene into her mind, hoping to keep it there forever.

At other times during the past four days they'd relaxed on a few beaches, one named Red Beach. The sand, and rocky volcanic cliffs behind the water a bright red color. They'd swam in the dark azure blue water, and napped under a grass beach umbrella on the sand in the afternoon. Will said more than once that if they'd been alone he would have made love to her right there on the beach with little care as to the amount of sand they would have to wash out in the shower later.

This first stretch of their trip was meant to be relaxing, filled with lazy days and plenty of time to just exist as a couple. The entire trip was of course meant to be this way, but Athens would be more structured with its many ancient sites, and museums to see. Then they'd be off to Crete for the last leg of their journey. Which promised to be a bit of leisure and structure.

Feeling content and satisfied, she turned in his arms and gazed into his dark chocolate eyes. "Let's go back to the room," she whispered, in his ear. Anxious for another late night among the sheets as the warm breeze from the open windows would brush over them making it seem almost as if they were in another world.

The following morning, she had to wake him from a deep, sound sleep. "You're wearing me out Mrs. Gardner," he whispered, forcing his eyes open.

She sat on the edge of the bed, her finger ran gentle patterns over his bare back. "I'll take the blame for last night. But not for all the others." She leaned over brushing a soft kiss to his cheek. "Get up. We need to leave soon." They were headed for a sailing tour of a few of the nearby islands, and the Nea Kameni volcano and hot springs.

They'd decided to book a semi-private tour. This allowed for a more leisurely pace. Meaning, they could hike the volcano and spend as much time as they wanted in the hot springs, avoiding the crowds, and sharing a boat with four other people instead of twenty.

After hiking the volcano, they sailed a short distance to the hot springs. Alicia hesitated briefly before jumping off the boat into the deep water, her fear of drowning creeping up on her. It wasn't just the deep dark water that unsettled her, but also the idea of what lie deep beneath the surface, boiling molten lava that flowed deep beneath the earth's crust.

They weren't far from the sandy shore, and in the back of her mind she knew she was perfectly safe, but she still hesitated. Her worried eyes met Will's.

"You okay?" he asked, knowing full well what must be running through her mind. "We can stay on the boat if you want."

"No. I'll be fine. Take my hand, and jump in with me." She smiled reaching her hand for his. He took it, and turned to face the water once again. "Just don't let go," she said, with a nervous laugh.

"Never," he promised, and he couldn't help but smile inside at how she looked exactly the way she did, young and terrified, when she was twenty-five on their first honeymoon just off the Maui shore in the Pacific when he suggested they go snorkeling. It wasn't swimming where the water was shallow and where she could see the bottom that made her nervous. It was the idea of submerging herself deeper for long periods of time, or the inability to see where the water met land beneath them that made her nervous.

"This fear of mine is ridiculous." She shook her head, looking at the water again.

"It's not. Just try not to think about it. This will be fun."

Her lips curved upwards. "I know." Taking in one last deep breath, she nodded signaling to him she was ready.

Thirty minutes later, enjoying the warm soothing waters, it was hard to believe she'd hesitated before getting in. Two people had just jumped into the water from the rocky cliffs above. "I'm going try it," he said, gazing up at the tall male figure about to jump in. He turned to give her a quick kiss before releasing his grasp on her hand.

"I'm coming with you." She began to swim for shore.

Momentarily stuck on the surprise of her words, he remained where he was. She turned back to him raising her brow. "Don't be so shocked. Remember I'm the one who talked you into cliff diving fifteen years ago when we went to visit Julia."

He swam to meet her again. "I remember. I just can't figure it out. You don't want to jump of the boat into the water, but you're willing to jump off a cliff into it."

She moved closer wrapping her arms around his neck. "It doesn't mean I'm not scared. But I don't want you plunging to your death without me."

This caused him to laugh. "We'll be the oldest ones up there," he mused, turning his gaze to the line of people above them.

She raised her brow. "Then we'll show them all how it's done." She let go of him and began swimming again.

She was scared out of her mind by the time they reached the cliff's edge, and gave serious thought to turning around. But they'd said all along that one purpose of this trip was to feel like they were twenty something again, and relive some of those moments. What better way than this, she thought, turning her head towards him.

"I love you," she said, letting go of his hand, jumping off the jagged rock into the water below.

It wasn't until her head came back up out of the water and Will held her hand again that her body began to shake from the release of nerves that had been built up inside. "I think I'm going back to the boat now," she announced, with a smile as her lips began to quiver. He nodded, chuckling a little turning them in the direction of the boat.

Awhile later, in a dry change of clothes enjoying the view and warm breeze that brushed over her as they glided through the water, she couldn't keep her eyes off Will in his sunglasses, dark blue polo, and khaki shorts. It had taken almost five full days, she thought to herself, but he was finally relaxed. She could tell by looking at him that he'd finally given into the idea that he didn't need to worry about work, or the kids, or the other stresses back home. She didn't doubt he'd been having a good time, but it was more visible now. Gone was the look of stress, that no matter what, always seemed to linger a tiny bit in the back of his eyes. His facial features had softened. His whole body seemed to have rid itself of the stress he so often tried to keep hidden. Now with a slight tan on his skin he almost looked ten years younger. They had both needed this break. But it was clear to her as she watched him talking with the boats captain a few paces from her, that he was the one who would likely gain the most benefits from it.

The captain had taken to Wills seeming interest in sailing, and had even let him steer the vessel they were aboard for a few minutes. The older man didn't seem to mind giving Will a few pointers, and amusing him with tales of sailing these waters. She loved how happy it all seemed to make him.

A few minutes later he turned to her catching her gaze, and moved back to sit next to her as they drew nearer to the island where they'd spend the late afternoon.

Taking her hand, he leaned back to get comfortable.

"You look good up there," she said, sipping her water, looking at him from under the brim of her hat.

A sly grin crossed his lips. "You like a captain's look on me, do you?' He leaned over to kiss her cheek.

"Yes," she said, with a seductive little grin. "But that's not what I mean. This, sailing, it suits you. You seem to be in your element, just like you are when you're in court."

He looked past her, as if the idea was totally new to him. "Yeah, I guess you're right. I do like this, being out on the water, the idea of sailing my own boat."

She sat back, as he draped his arm across her shoulders. "I noticed a sign back at the dock for sailing lessons. Maybe you should think about it. I bet they offer similar opportunities on the other islands, and we have a few unplanned days in Crete before we go home."

He seemed genuinely surprised at her proposition. She leaned close, just inches from his face. "I know you love playing your weekly basketball games, and you like hitting balls at the cages every so often. But it wouldn't hurt to add something new to the mix." She wondered if he might really enjoy sailing, and with Lake Michigan practically in their backyard, it wasn't an unrealistic idea.

"Sailing is an expensive hobby," he countered.

She laughed under her breath, looking him in the eye. "The only thing you spend money on occasionally is a new suit, and expensive jewelry to spoil me with. I'm not saying you should go out and buy a boat. I'm just saying you might enjoy a few sailing lessons, and occasionally renting a boat on weekends back home."

He leaned closer, and kissed her. "I'll think about it."

The island of Thirassia was like stepping back in time, barely touched by tourism. Unlike its sister island Santorini just a mile away, it still held its natural beauty, old stone cave houses among the black rock, a mark of the volcanic eruption centuries before. It was quiet, and quaint. The town of Manolas was almost enchanting with its small shops and locals walking around. There were churches and monasteries scattered about the island, the beauty of which, Will mused, was almost enough to convince him to become a religious man. Eating dinner outside in a quaint restaurant overlooking the black pebble beach was the perfect way to end their day.

That night they stood together sharing a hot, steamy shower, washing off the sand and dust from the day. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he pinned her against the wet tile behind them. Pressing his warm body to hers, he made love to her there, smiling as she closed her eyes, her hand pressed to the steam stained glass, as he elicited exquisite sounds from her lips. He was a master at this, she thought, as he turned off the soothing water and carried her to the bed just to start all over again.

She brought her hands to cup his face, gazing into his wonton eyes. "Is this how it was on our first honeymoon?" she asked, softly, as his hands moved ever so gently from her neck all the way to her thighs.

"The sex you mean?" He pulled her closer pressing his body to hers.

"Yes, the sex, but everything else to. You and I living in this suspended world of bliss. It's better than I ever could have imagined."

"Maui was amazing. The sex, the sights, the break from work, was everything you would imagine, everything we wanted at the time. But," he leaned close to brush a soft kiss to her neck. "There are definitely things about being together for twenty years that you don't understand when you're young. Back then it was more about the high, the fast pace of everything. Fitting as much into a day as we possibly could as if life were a race."

He moved on top of her, brushing a few stray strands of wet hair from her face. "This is better. Making love to you as if the night will go on forever. Taking our time to see sights, actually sitting long enough at a restaurant to enjoy the flavor of the food. And for me, most of all, taking every opportunity I have to hold your hand, sit next to you, watch the many expressions that cross your face on any given day. Making love to you at night knowing that every day I wake up and you're still lying next to me, so I can do all over again, is a gift. One I'll never take advantage of."

She wrapped her arms securely around his neck, allowing the dark of the night, and the calm sea breezes to carry them through the night into a new day.

 **A/N; I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts. All the places and sights mentioned throughout the chapter are actual places and things to do in Greece. My writing can't begin to do the justice these places deserve, but hopefully if any of you are from Greece, I've managed to capture a small bit of the beauty that exists there.**


	56. The Honeymoon Part 2

**A/N; I am sorry for the long wait. This is a really long chapter, hopefully that will help make up for it. Just an FYI, the love scene at the end of the chapter is definitely M rated.**

 **I just wanted to thank all of you who have stuck with me on this journey. The next chapter will be the last to this story. I'm still in awe at how long this ended up being, but it's due to all of you and your continued thoughts and support.**

Athens lived up to every expectation Will and Alicia had. Even some they didn't. Rich in culture and tradition, modern day mingled effortlessly with history as old as time. Around every corner of the busy streets there was something new to discover.

It was mesmerizing to walk through the busy markets among both ancient and modern buildings in the middle of the day to find several olive varieties, and the freshest meats, fruits, and vegetables they'd ever tasted. The smells that filled the air from the array of fresh spices was enough to lure one into a spice shop just to get a taste of something they could unlikely ever duplicate at home.

New York City had always been coined "the city that never sleeps". After being in Athens for a few days Will and Alicia would easily argue it was a close contender for the title. The locals worked hard, rising early in the morning to prepare for work, many at the vast markets and family owned shops. However, the early hours didn't seem to hinder late night drinks with friends and family.

A late night out on the town was their plan, but before heading out Will and Alicia had decided to call the kids and check up on them via video chat. After being away for ten days, they wanted to make sure the kids were doing all right. As Will had surmised, they'd been having such a good time with various relatives, that they'd barely missed their parents.

After they both talked to the kids, Grace had wanted a few minutes to talk to Alicia.

Will watched her from across room as he put on his shoes. He smiled listening to Grace ask her mother why it seemed like the boys had all turned into big goofballs over the summer, and why some of her friends got all shy and flustered whenever they tried to talk to the boys.

"They're just boys, Mom. It's not like they're any different than they were last year. Marcy and I were sitting next to a few of them at lunch yesterday. We were all talking about the baseball playoffs, and the girls at the end of the table kept looking at us like we were crazy for even talking to the boys."

Just like her mother, Will thought, she was going to talk about what was interesting to her with whoever she wanted. She could care less about what all the other kids thought.

"Well, you're not crazy. It's just like we talked about. You and everyone else your age is starting to change, growing up. And sometimes those changes make the boys act like goofballs, and can make the girls get all flustered around the boys. You do what's best for you, and don't worry about what the other kids think."

Will laughed lightly under his breath. He and Alicia had definitely entered into a new phase of life with two adolescents in the house. And although he found this conversation somewhat entertaining, it was yet another reminder of how grateful he was to have not ended up a single father a few years back, because trying to navigate the emotions of a growing adolescent girl had proved to be more difficult than he'd expected. He was especially grateful for Alicia's ability to walk both he and Grace back off the ledge when some of these changes occurred. One such instance had been fairly recent.

 _\- Alicia stepped into Will's office closing the door behind her. "Can you cover my four o'clock today? I need to go pick Grace up from school."_

" _Yes, is she sick?"_

" _No. She started her period, and since it's her first time she's a little nervous, and not sure how to handle all of it."_

 _He stood from his desk, a wave of anxiety washing over him. "She what? She's not old enough is she? I mean she just turned eleven a few weeks ago."_

 _Alicia laughed lightly moving towards him. "Yes, she is old enough." Wrapping her arms around his neck she gave him a quick kiss. She had to laugh again as his eyes moved towards the window clearly not certain what to think about this. "Your little girl is growing up whether you're ready or not. But I promise both of you will be fine."_

 _He was barely paying attention to her. "Should I come with you? Is she in a lot of pain? I feel like I should do something here, but I don't know what."_

 _Stepping back, she patted him on the chest. "No, you don't need to come. You need to stay here and work, and not make a big deal about this when you get home."_

 _A few hours later he'd just gotten home and was standing next to Alicia in the kitchen, whispering something in her ear that made her giggle, when Grace entered the room._

" _Mom, I need," Not expecting to see her father standing there, her eyes wandered to his hand that moved slowly over the small of Alicia's back. She'd seen him do this a million times, but today it made her feel a little woozy._

 _Her parents turned towards her. "You need what, sweetie?"_

 _Avoiding eye contact with Will, she hesitated. "Um… I…. Can you come upstairs for a minute?"_

" _Sure." Pulling away from Will, she moved towards Grace._

" _How are you feeling, sweetheart?" Will asked, innocently, in an attempt to be supportive._

 _Grace's eyes grew wide and she glared at Alicia. "He knows?" she said, indignantly._

 _Caught off guard by her reaction, Alicia glanced at Will then back to Grace. "Yes."_

" _But Mom," flustered, she turned and walked back out of the room._

 _Alicia's gaze met Will's confused one. 'I thought you told me to act normal," he said. "I just wanted her to know I was concerned about her."_

" _I know. It'll be fine." She left him alone wondering what to do, to go after Grace._

 _Grace's hesitant, nervous behavior towards him continued throughout the evening. Unsettling him more. He wasn't sure what to say or how to act. He tried to engage her in conversation about school and baseball, but she wasn't very interested in talking. She gave him her usual hug before bed, but it was gentle and quick, unlike the bear hugs he was used to getting from her._

 _A few minutes later Alicia entered her room sitting on the edge of the bed. After talking for a few minutes, and making Grace a little more comfortable, the eleven-year-old hesitantly began to ask the question that had been bothering her all night._

" _Mom, does dad…"_

" _Does Dad what?"_

" _You know how we talked a few months ago about… sex?"_

" _Yes, do you have some more questions for me?"_

" _No," she said, quickly. "Well maybe."_

" _Grace, it's good to ask questions."_

 _Awhile later, Alicia joined Will on the sofa. Draping his arm across her shoulder he gave a quick kiss on the cheek. "How is she? She barely looked at me all night. I don't know what I'm supposed to do."_

 _Alicia chuckled, taking his hand, looking him in the eye. "She's fine. You don't need to do anything differently. It's just going to take her a few days to get used to this new phase of her life."_

" _For me too. She kept looking at me like I was a complete stranger."_

" _She's giving you those looks because she's still trying to process the idea that her fun, loving father, who she adores, and likes to play ball and eat pizza with, is the same person that has sex with her mother. It became a little more real for her today, and some of the girls at school have been talking about sex, feeding her some wrong information."_

 _This news wasn't helping to calm his anxiety. "What girls? They're in sixth grade. They shouldn't be talking about sex."_

" _Some of her classmates have older siblings. It happens. One of them was shocked after hearing her sister talk about how miserable and painful sex is. And how the girls aren't supposed to care if it hurts or not. They're supposed to do whatever the guy wants because it makes them happy, and that's the only way they'll ever be able to hold onto a boyfriend."_

 _Will sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair. "That's ridiculous!"_

" _I know. I'm sure Grace's friend told the other girls because it scared her, and she wanted to know what her other friends had heard."_

" _Where are this girl's parents to talk to her?"_

" _I don't know. But Grace and I had a long conversation about it, and I think I set her straight. She was worried that part of our relationship was like that, and she couldn't understand, and didn't want to picture her father purposefully hurting me. She asked me why I would just go along with it. That type of relationship was not something she wanted, but she thought that was the way it was, and that she was doomed for the misery."_

" _I'd never hurt you. You told her that right?"_

 _Smiling, she moved to his lap wrapping her arms around his neck. "Yes, I explained it to her again, hopefully better than I did a few months ago. I assured her that you never had and never would hurt me. And that any man worth her love and affection when the time came, would respect her and her feelings."_

 _He sighed in a bit of relief. "I don't think I can handle seeing her date until she's twenty-five. I know exactly what's going to go through those boys' heads in a few years. I don't like the thought of any boy thinking those things about our daughter."_

 _She smiled gently. "I don't think you have anything to worry about for quite a while. We can't protect her from everything, But I guarantee having you as her example of how a man should treat a woman will help steer her in the right direction."_

" _You're sure she's okay?"_

 _Running her fingers through his hair she replied. "Yes, I'm sure." -_

He knew Alicia was right. But his desire to protect Grace from all the evil in the world was as strong as his desire to protect Alicia in any way he needed.

Grace's next comment brought him out of his thoughts. "You're coming home in eight more days, right?"

"Not quite. We have one more day here, and four more at our last destination," Alicia replied.

"But Dad said you wouldn't be home until the thirteenth."

At the mention of the dates, Will moved back to the bed next to Alicia.

"You must have heard him wrong. We'll be home on the ninth." Alicia's gaze moved to Will, who quickly looked at their daughter. He'd kept this surprise from Alicia, but the cat was out of the bag now, and he didn't want Grace to be confused.

"You're right Grace. We'll be home on the thirteenth," he affirmed.

"Will, that's not when,"

He quickly cut her off. "I'll explain later," he assured her.

They talked a few more minutes, and then to Will's mother.

"You two look better than you have for quite some time. That fresh sea air has done you some good." Despite what Alicia and Will had told everyone, they didn't dare leave the kids without someone knowing where they really were. Will's mother had been the obvious choice to share their secret with. They knew she wouldn't tell anyone, and she was the person who would be spending the most time with the kids while they were gone.

"It's been really good for us, Mom." Will put his arm around Alicia pulling her closer.

"Thank you again for managing all of the chaos back there," Alicia said. "Have the kids really been behaving themselves?"

"Yes, they've been good as always."

After talking for a few more minutes, they hung up, and headed out for a late-night drink.

They sat outside at a rooftop bar a stone's throw down the hill from the Acropolis, and Parthenon lit up in the background. They'd toured the ancient site earlier in the day, taking in the numerous stone structures, and statues that could be found in the area.

Gazing up at the large structure, Alicia took another sip of her drink. "Explain to me why you and our daughter think we're going home three days later than we had planned."

Will couldn't help but smile, as he leaned across the small table planting a quick kiss to her cheek.

"You think you can keep secrets from me if you pleasure me with those lips?" She laughed lightly raising her brow to him.

Looking her in the eye, he nodded. "Yes, that was my plan." He tried to kiss her again, but she leaned away from him unable to keep from smiling.

"No more kisses until you fess up." She lifted her drink to her lips again.

He casually sat back in his chair taking a sip of his own drink. "Whatever you think is best. If you really don't want me to kiss you tonight, or tomorrow…. or the next day… then your wish is my command."

Holding her gaze for a minute he knew she was thinking it over. He leaned forward placing his elbows on the table. "But don't forget what these lips are capable of, and how much you enjoy it." His hand moved beneath the table to the hem of her dress. His fingertips brushing her bare skin beneath.

She inhaled at the suggestion and touch of his hand. He knew exactly how to look at her, touch her, to have her at his mercy in a matter of seconds.

She reached for his hand bringing it back to the top of the table. Two could play this game, she thought, her free hand moving to the bare skin just above his knee. "I won't forget. But I'm not the only one with a set of very capable lips." She raised her brow to him sliding her hand under the fabric of his shorts.

He had to swallow hard to restrain himself from lunging towards her lips in that moment. "You're playing with fire here," he said, quietly.

"So are you, keeping secrets from me," she countered, with a seductive little smile.

They stared into each other's eyes for a long minute before he gave in. "Okay, I'll tell you."

She nodded, a satisfied line across her lips and leaned back in her chair taking another sip of her drink to hear his confession.

He reached across the table for her hand. "When you were trying to decide where you wanted to go for this trip we talked about a lot of destinations."

"Yes, and Greece had everything on our list. That's why we finally settled on coming here."

"Right. But I think the decision was more difficult for you then you let on. I saw the way your eyes lit up whenever we talked about France. You kept those pamphlets of Paris on your desk longer than any of the others. Maybe it was all subconscious. But I know you always wanted to go back to Paris after your trip during college. We talked about going a hundred times over the years, and Paris is only a three-hour flight from here."

She began to register what he was he saying, her eyes grew wide.

"I insisted on booking our flights so I could add three days in Paris to the end of our trip," he admitted.

"Will, we'll be away nearly three weeks by then. I'm thoroughly enjoying this, but we can't ignore work and the kids forever."

"I know. And it's okay. Everything has been worked out."

Looking a little more relaxed, she sat back in her chair. "We're going to owe everyone."

He chuckled. "Probably so. But it's worth whatever the payment might be."

Her lips curved upwards, her eyes held his gaze. "Three days in Paris, you 're never going to stop surprising me, are you?"

"No," he replied.

The live band continued to play in the background. "Let's dance," Alicia said, a few minutes later standing from her seat holding out her hand for him to take.

The flirtation they'd begun over drinks continued on the dance floor as they moved to the beat of the music, their bodies pressing firmly together and almost as quickly apart again.

At one point, Will managed to capture her for longer than two seconds, his arm wrapped firmly around her waist. "You're driving me crazy in this outfit," he said, into her ear. The sleeveless, low cut dress that hugged her curves, and hit just above her knee was the perfect choice of attire for their evening out. Watching her move in it, catching her seductive raise of the brow towards him from across the room when she'd gone to get another drink, and having her body pressed to his so his hands could feel her every curve through the soft fabric was almost more than he could take.

It reminded him of a time not long after they'd moved to New York and decided to go to a local club one night with a few associates from his firm. They'd danced and drunk that night, just like they were now. That night in New York she'd looked just as good as she did now, and it had been the first time he'd thought seriously about proposing to her, after enduring several men hitting on her. He thought that seeing a ring on her left hand may have slowed some of the over-eager men down a bit.

While he'd caught a few men staring at her tonight, no one had attempted to lure her away from him. However, it was instances like these that tended to bring out a more territorial, primal streak in him. Since she was playing along with their little flirtatious charade things were pretty heated a few drinks and a few hours later when they got back to their hotel room.

"We should have stopped before that last drink," she said, breathlessly, pinned against wall just inside their room. Will laughed lightly pressing heated kisses to her neck. She'd had a few drinks, but shown more self -control than he had. His hands frantically pushed her dress up so he could gain access to what he really wanted. He desperately needed her, but just before entering her, he looked her in the eye.

"Maybe. I'm sorry, are we going too fast?" Even though his mind was somewhat clouded from the alcohol, his thoughts about her conversation with Grace from earlier rushed through his mind.

"No," she said, firmly pressing her lips to his. Just moments later her fingers dug into his shoulders, her head tilted back as she sighed from the pleasure of their release.

He was normally very gentle with her, but tonight there was fire and desire in both of them. It was only a matter of seconds before she had slipped out of the dress and stood bare skinned in front of him. Taking his hand, she lay down on the bed pulling him on top of her.

"I want you to make love to me tonight as if there were no tomorrow. I want all of it Will, the fast, the slow, the rough and gentle."

His lips curved upwards, his dark eyes looking into her soul. "I thought we'd been doing that almost every night since the wedding."

One hand reached for his face, the other ran slowly down his toned chest. "Yes, but tonight there's no holding back. I've seen the restraint you've held at points, the wild passion in your eyes. You want more sometimes, but you hold back, I'm sure worried you're going break me under your strength. I won't break, and you won't hurt me, I promise."

Slightly taken aback by her request he thought about protesting, but understood what it was she was asking for. She was simply unaware they already had name for it. Before her accident and during their many years of marriage she occasionally wanted things to be a little rougher, more passionate, and he knew from experience what he could do to drive her to the point she wanted without hurting her. It was never anything extreme, they'd just try a new slightly crazy position, or he'd drive her a little harder than he normally did. She was asking him to mark her, that's what she used to say when she got into this mood. She wanted to wake up in the morning next to him stretched, sore, and satisfied.

There had been a few times since her accident when he wanted this heated, sweat ridden, overexerting sex, but he had held back being more physical, not knowing what she'd think, and replaced it with things like long lingering kisses, and soothing massages.

"Okay, no holding back." His hand moved to her face, brushing back a few stray strands of hair. "But if it gets uncomfortable you have to tell me."

"Promise," she said, pulling him into her chest.

"I just hope I can find the energy to keep up with you," he breathed, as his lips made contact with her neck.

They tossed and turned and exerted themselves among the sheets. He found pleasure in her every moan, and sigh. Every time she called out his name he found new energy. Both near the edge once again he flipped her onto her back her head falling slightly over the edge of the bed. With his boundless strength he took a firm hold of her wrist pressing her hard against the sheets as he smashed his hips into hers. She let out a groan of pain quickly overcome with a sigh of ecstasy. The thrill of being inside of her, seeing her like this never got old.

Meeting his gaze, they shared a passionate kiss, she pulled apart arching her back. Closing her eyes, she dug her nails into his back calling out his name.

Moments later dark lust filled his eyes. "I want you on top of me now," he said, quietly, continuing to hold a tight grasp on her wrists. "We're going to go slow this time. I want to feel you, watch you at every phase, and then take us over the edge together."

She nodded pushing him off her pressing his back against the soft sheets. Purposefully, and painfully slow they began again. He watched and touched and kissed for what seemed like eternity. Finally, she strapped her legs firmly around him, lowering her hips and joining them once more. His hands moved smoothly over her hips gradually grazing the skin of her lover back, over her ribs, finally resting on her breasts. She moved tenderly over him at first, and finally quickening the pace she closed her eyes and sighed loudly at the same moment he moaned against her skin.

Lowering herself a bit more her breasts touched his chest. "I love you," she whispered, breathless, placing a soft, tender kiss to his lips.

* * *

The sounds of morning could be heard from outside. Feeling her warm body untangle from his brought him further out of sleep. His head was pounding, his muscles ached. He imagined she was probably in worse shape.

Remaining on his stomach he turned his head to look at her. She hadn't moved from her seated position on the edge of the bed. He reached his hand gently running it over the soft bare skin of her back. She didn't move, she didn't say anything. She was clearly lost in thought as she stared out the open window across the room.

He shifted to sit up behind her. Brushing her loose locks from her neck he leaned over her shoulder, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek. She smiled at the attention, her eyes remained fixed on the blue sky outside. Glancing down he noticed her left hand cradling her right wrist against her body.

He sighed, a nagging tinge of shame shot through him reaching for her arm. "I hurt you, didn't I?"

Her eyes slowly moved to meet his. "No," she said, softly. My muscles are a bit sore, and my heads foggy this morning. Probably the after effects of the alcohol last night."

He wasn't convinced seeing the wary look in her eyes. "You sure?" He began a close inspection of her body for any evidence that he may have caused her harm, but found none.

She smiled shaking her head, bringing her hand to his cheek. "Last night was amazing. Exactly what I wanted. I just had some crazy dreams after we fell asleep. There's nothing to worry about." She stood pulling a sheet from the bed and wrapped it around her body. "I'm going to sit outside for a while. Join me if you want," she said, sleepily.

The sight of her, pale skin, covered in white from head to toe bathed in the morning sunlight as she moved outside took his breath away, but it didn't ease the concern in the back of his mind. Something was wrong. He could sense it. Thinking they should have been more careful with the alcohol last night he pulled on a t-shirt and boxers, and made them some coffee.

He sat next to her on the lounge handing her a coffee mug. "Thank you," she said, bringing the hot liquid to her lips.

They sat there quietly for some time enjoying the view. "Can we skip the museum today?" she asked, finally breaking the silence. "I can't…" she sighed.

He placed his arm around her allowing her head to rest against him as she continued to stare at the view in front of them. "It's going to be one of those days. Everything's foggy, all jumbled up in my head today. I don't want to have to concentrate on anything important."

He leaned closer pressing a kiss to the top of her head, breathing her in. "It's fine with me. We can do as much or as little as you want today."

"Okay," she closed her eyes settling more into his embrace. "I want to sleep some more." She laced her fingers with his, pulling his arm more securely around her. "Will you hold me while I sleep?"

He took the coffee mug from her. She only asked if he'd stay with her when she felt insecure. He wasn't completely convinced all she needed was some more sleep, but maybe that's all it was. "Yes, I'm tired too. But let's go back to the bed."

He shifted out from under her lifting her easily to carry her back to the bed where she curled herself snuggly against him quickly falling back to sleep.

In the afternoon they walked hand in hand among some of the ancient streets of Athens in search of "The Poet".

During Alicia's undergraduate studies she'd taken a literature class and fallen in love with a poem that had been written by a Greek man in the nineteen-fifties. The name of that work was, Melissinos Rubayat, where all 127 stanzas covered one of Alicia's obsessions – wine. Stavros Mellisinos's works had been translated into English and become part of many American university literature curriculums.

Many times during their few years of studying together Alicia would ramble off a few stanzas of the poem. Sometimes just to irritate Will, other times because her mind had wandered from criminal procedure to more pleasant subjects, like how she planned to spend her Sunday afternoon.

All those years back they were unaware that the man who had written those words was also known for his skill in ancient Greek sandal making, and that he ran a shop in Athens making sandals for locals, and tourists alike. His craft done so well, he'd been sought after by all kinds of famous people from Jackie Kennedy to John Lennon.

When Will and Alicia were planning their trip, Melissinos shop, that was now run by his son, appeared on many lists of top things to do in Athens. Will recognized the poet's name, told Alicia about her previous love for the poem, and they added visiting the shop to their itinerary. Once they were in Athens, the concierge at the hotel told them to visit the shop in the afternoon because the famous poet himself still liked to spend time working alongside his son.

As they continued to walk in the direction that would lead them to the shop, Will couldn't help but long for more lazy days like this shared with the woman he loved more than life itself. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so relaxed and at ease. The quick nights, and long weekends they were sometimes afforded back home to rest, and rejuvenate were all welcomed and never taken for granted. But to have been allowed so much time together without pending work, and other responsibilities knocking on the door, was worth its weight in gold, and caused Will to think more seriously about early retirement.

Alicia had said it a few days prior, but he honestly felt ten years younger without baring the weight of stress from home. He wouldn't change a thing in their current lives. In fact, the idea that if he'd never ended up with Alicia and lived the life of a bachelor, which he assumed would be somewhat less stressful than carrying around the responsibilities his titles as husband and father bore, made him weak in the knees.

They found the sandal shop, and had a very enjoyable time being fitted for the perfect hand-crafted shoes while talking with the owner, and his father.

That evening they sat on the small beach just steps down the hill from the temple of Poseidon. The sunsets here were supposedly a close rival to those in Santorini.

They're feet buried in the warm sand a light breeze blew as the sun began to fade in the distance, casting a warm glow on Alicia's pale skin. Will scooted closer noticing her once again cradling her right hand against her body.

"Leesh, you've been nursing that wrist all day. I did hurt it last night, didn't I?" The thought that he'd really caused her injury made his stomach turn.

"No, I haven't. You didn't." Glancing down at her own hands, she seemed surprised to find that he was right about her cradling it as if it were hurt.

Sighing heavily, she lifted her right hand for him to see. "It's just sore, maybe more than I realized. Will, don't worry about it."

"Don't worry about it?" he said, a hint of frustration in his voice. "Alicia, I was too rough last night. You're clearly hurt, and I feel like a complete barbarian for doing it to you. You say it's fine, it's not. And your mood today would suggest it agrees with me."

"Will, I enjoyed last night. And my wrist will be fine." She looked away biting her lower lip. "t's not what we did last night that's been bothering me today." Pulling her feet from the sand she stood and walked to the water's edge folding her arms.

He stood to join her. "Then what is it? I can't make things better if I don't know what's wrong."

The breeze blew her hair back as she turned to face him. "I remembered the accident…early this morning."

"What? Leesh, why didn't you say something earlier?" He gently reached for her.

"Because, it's taken almost all day to put the bits and pieces together into anything that makes sense. I didn't notice the pain in my wrist last night. I woke up in pain at about four. I was exhausted, and drowsy and when I lifted my arm to try and figure out where the pain was coming from," she took in a deep breath obviously trying to keep the tears in. He was still trying to process the fact that she'd remembered this and that he'd likely been the cause. She looked completely beaten in that moment, and it tore his heart open to see it.

"It was my fault Will. I got distracted while driving and caused the accident. I did this to myself." Her voice cracked, and a few tears escaped her eyes.

"No Leesh, it was the storm." He reached his arms around her waist pulling her into him.

"No, it wasn't. I remember getting into the car and pulling away from the house. I felt hurt and completely devastated, like I'd lost everything. It was so dark, and there was so much snow. After driving for a few minutes, I decided where I was going to go. I took my eyes off the road to get my phone out of my bag so I could get directions to the hotel. I wasn't paying attention to the intersection that I was approaching because I was a fair distance away, and there wasn't anyone in front of me."

She inhaled as if she hadn't been breathing. Her gaze moved past him as if to will the memory. "When I looked back at the road, the light was turning from yellow to red. I was closer to the intersection than I expected. I hit the brakes, but I didn't slow down fast enough. I went right into the intersection and the truck hit the car. Everyone thought I'd hit a patch of black ice and slid into the intersection. But that's not what happened."

Her grasp on his arm tightened. "I was still conscious as the car spun out of control and into oncoming traffic, and then… I don't know what happened next. But sometime after the car had stopped moving and before the paramedics got there, I must have woken up for a few seconds because I remember seeing my phone and thinking I needed to call for help. But I couldn't move. All I could feel was excruciating pain -everywhere." Instinctively she placed her left hand over her wrist as her gaze fell on him again, a few tears springing from her eyes. "That's all. There isn't anything after that."

He leaned over touching his forehead to hers, wiping at her tears with a gentle finger.

"I'm sorry for ruining this perfectly beautiful evening. But when I think about it I can hardly breathe, and the way my mind's been today, makes me feel completely out of control."

He pulled her into his chest securely wrapping her up in his embrace. "You have nothing to be sorry for. You haven't ruined anything. I don't want to be anywhere else but right here with you in my arms staring out at the fading sun."

"It is beautiful, isn't it?" She stared out at the horizon, the water gently flowing over their feet.

"Yes, and certain as the sun will rise again tomorrow, everything will okay. This will pass, I promise."

Taking in a deep breath of air she looked up into his eyes again. "I know. It just took me for a real loop today." She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. "Thank you for being my rock." Her tear stained lips pressed to his in a tender, lingering kiss as the last rays of sun faded away.

They remained on the shore after dusk burying their feet beneath the warm sand again and talked. They both knew from experience the best way for her to deal with the difficult memories was to talk it out with him. Gaining his thoughts and insights into whatever the situation was, helped her make sense of it and calm the unease that came with the strong emotions.

Although, he guessed this new insight into her past might bother her and linger for a while, by the time they got back to the hotel she was in much better spirits. They shared a warm soothing shower, and she insisted on pampering him with a good back massage.

Her hands moved effortlessly over his back rubbing the warm oil over his sore muscles. He'd been worried that using so much pressure in her sore wrist would only irritate it more, but she assured him she'd be careful. The dim light, warm breeze from outside, and the soothing touch of her hands nearly caused him to fall asleep.

When she finished she lay on his back pressing a line of soft kisses over his shoulder up to his cheek. "I like that," he said, sleepily, holding his eyes shut.

Shifting off him she turned out the lamp, and propped herself up on her elbow next to him. Lifting her hand to his head she ran her fingers through his hair. Sighing happily, he let her continue her ministrations. He liked to be so tenderly attended too every so often.

A few quiet minutes later light from the moon filtered into the room bathing them in a soft glow. Snuggled next to him her hand lay gently on his bare chest. Lifting it to his lips he pressed soft kisses from her fingers to her wrist. A tender gesture, she snuggled closer to him resting her head on his shoulder. He wanted to apologize again for the hundredth time, but she'd told him an hour ago if he did she really would be upset with him.

"What are we going to do in Paris?" she asked, starting to drift off to sleep.

"Everything"

* * *

They did do everything once they got to Paris. At least everything they could cram into three days. It was a whirlwind of excitement taking the time to visit Versailles, even though it wasn't really in Paris. Walking through Notre-Dame and climbing all the steps to see the famous bell tower. Spending hours taking in the vast art exhibits at the Louvre. A quick trip through the Musee d'Orsay, and a climb up the steps to the top of the Arc de Triomphe. In the middle of the afternoon one day they stopped in front of the Eiffel tower, and convinced another tourist to take their picture. Taking Alicia by surprise, Will planted a kiss to her lips just as the photo was snapped.

They strolled the streets hand in hand, eating pastries for lunch, and drinking expensive champagne in restaurants at night. Their last evening there they took a sunset cruise down the Seine, and rode to the top of the Eiffel Tower to take in the city by night.

Once they got back to the quaint boutique hotel with a balcony and view of the Eiffel tower, Alicia flopped herself onto the bed as Will opened the doors to the balcony to let in some fresh air.

"I'm exhausted," she said, completely content, a broad smile on her lips. "I can't believe we fit all of that into three days."

He moved back across the room planting himself on the bed next to her. Propping himself up on his elbow he draped his other hand across her middle. "We'll take it slower when we come back."

"And when will that be?" she said, softly, reaching her hand to his cheek.

"Sometime in the next five years. We're going to make some of things we talk about more of a priority. Still work hard, but spend more time with the kids, and make our relationship a priority. It won't be long before the kids are grown and move out. They've wanted to go to Disneyworld for years. We should take them."

She nodded. "That all sounds like a wonderful plan."

Moving his hand to her hip, he pulled her closer. "I mean it Leesh. I don't want to get through another ten years of our lives and wonder why we hadn't spent more time on things that really matter."

"Okay, I'm in."

He leaned over kissing her warm lips.

After pulling away, her hand rested on his chest. "We should make our last here a memorable one," she said, her fingers reaching for the buttons of his shirt.

"If you're not too tired." His hands moved to the skin beneath her shirt.

Wrapping her arms around his neck she pulled him on top of her passionately kissing him. They made slow passionate love to each other. Taking their time undressing each other. His hands moved slowly over her milky skin, touching, massaging her breasts, moving slowly down her stomach, eliciting moans and sighs from her lips as he reached to her very core.

Placing a heated kiss to her lips as his fingers continued inside of her, he wanted to make her come like this. He wanted to feel her nails dig into his shoulder, hear her voice, and watch her eyes clench shut as she reached climax.

She was close he could tell. Her body moved faster, his fingers were drenched with her liquids. Her eyes locked onto his "Faster," she said, breathless.

He obliged, his fingers moving faster, pressing deeper inside of her. In a few short seconds she held a tight grasp on one shoulder, her other hand moved to his to hold it place exactly where she wanted it just before she cried out in ecstasy.

Not taking time to catch her breath she pushed over onto his back. He loved it when she took control taking her time to pleasure him. Running her hands over his chest. Kissing him softly from lips all the way to his length.

They continued tossing and turning among the soft sheets pleasuring each other a gentle breeze from outside covered them like a blanket filling each breath with renewed energy. The Eiffel Tower lit up in the background making the scene as Will would later say, "crazy romantic".

If they could do this, be like this forever, Will thought, he'd die a happy man. Finally, when he couldn't take it anymore, he pulled her on top of him. A dark seductive need in her eyes, she lowered herself onto him pressing her hips down on him as low as she could go.

His hands moved over her hips, and then to her breasts as she reached to the headboard for better support gaining the ability to smash her hips into his harder, faster.

Picking up the pace beads of sweat formed on their brows. "Now Leesh, Now," he called out. And with one last hard thrust their bodies and souls became one. Reaching that point where they felt like they were falling into eternity together.

Thoroughly worn and wrapped together only in a blanket, they sat on the lounge outside their room. Taking in the brilliant view before them, they shared one last glass of champagne before going to bed, and inevitably returning to reality the following day.

"I'll love you forever," she said, nestling her head against his shoulder.

Wrapping his arm securely around her, he kissed the top of her head. "I'll love you longer than forever."


	57. Epilogue

**A/N; Well, here it is, the final chapter almost two years to the date I posted the first one. I just want to thank all of you who have followed along on this journey. For all the help, encouragement, and kind remarks. It means the world to me!**

 **On a little side note, I have a new story that I plan on posting sometime in the next week for anyone who may be interested, called Time Stood Still.**

 _ **Five Years Later**_

Perfect strangers seven years ago, Alicia took in the familiar sight of her husband across the yard. Appreciating the quiet, stolen moment that allowed her to watch him.

 _Husband_ – she thought to herself. Something that had meant so little to her after waking up with amnesia. Yet, the term meant something more than the world to her now. Will was her rock, her partner, her best friend, the love of her life. Everything he'd been afraid he'd lost, and everything she'd been afraid she may not be able to give him again. Feeling complete and content in their relationship caused a warm smile to form on her lips, as she leaned against the open back door a fresh morning breeze brushing over her skin.

He'd been out in the yard with Zach for nearly an hour doing some much needed weeding in the flower beds before they all headed out for a long weekend.

Zach wasn't too happy the night before when Will told him to be up at seven to help with the yard work. But knowing that he'd soon be free from his parents seemingly constant list of chores when he left for college in another six weeks, he'd grudgingly agreed.

She was going to miss her grown son who was as tall as Will now, looking more and more like his father every day. She thought back to the early days of coming home after her accident, and all the little things Zach had done to make her feel comfortable, and reacclimate herself to her role as a mother. Always watching out for her as he had the morning he sat down on the floor next to his weeping mother after Will had gone to work in a fit of frustration. He'd told her everything would be okay, and then explained that Will tended to get short tempered when he had a big trial coming up. He reassured her that all his father needed was, "to feel loved". Which, in essence, meant, Will needed a break, an outlet for his frustration.

That insight had been immensely helpful over the years. She'd seen Will more than once lose his temper with her or the kids for no good reason when he got close to arguing a big case at trial. She'd learned to watch for and recognize the signs when he was near a boiling point. More often than not, she was able to head it off with a subtle suggestion that he should go hit some balls at the batting cages, go out for drinks and watch a game at a sports bar, or she'd simply have pizza delivered to the office, hand him a beer, and insist he leave work alone for thirty minutes. Long enough to eat, and let her massage some of the tension out of his shoulders.

 _Work_ – she thought. Everything she'd been able to accomplish in her career in the last seven years was not to be overlooked, and she owed a lot of it to Will and Diane. She and Will had regained their reputation as the power couple within the legal community. Just yesterday they had won a big case in court together.

She understood now what he'd meant all those years back when he said he missed working with her. Collaborating with her on cases. Before she'd gone back to work she wondered how they got along so well, spending practically all their time together at work and at home. She couldn't imagine her own parents spending that much time together without killing one another. Even when things had been good between them.

She understood it now. She and Will were of like minds. They played off each other well. They thoroughly enjoyed the challenge of a difficult, messy, legal case. She loved bantering with him, preparing oral arguments with him, especially late at night when there wasn't anyone or anything to interrupt them.

She also loved the way he looked at her, watched her in court or during depositions when she got under the skin of a witness or opposing council. The little smile across his lips, and the gleam in his eye. She remembered blushing a bit the first time she caught him doing it, because she could tell there was double meaning behind the look.

- _That's what a good defense looks like. My wife just ruined your case. -_ And the thought that inevitably followed. - _Watching you like this is still a thrill and one of the sexiest things you do. -_ And he'd usually show her just how sexy it had been once they were home. Just like he'd done last night after their win. The recollection sent a rush of butterflies through her body.

Moments later, caught up in her thoughts and before she had a chance to escape, Will, sweat ridden, with grubby hands and knees, captured her at the hips pinning her against the door jam, planting a salty kiss to her lips.

"You need a shower," she commented, holding up a mug of coffee for him.

Smiling, he took the mug. "Why don't you shower with me?" he whispered in her ear, aware that Zach was still in the kitchen and within ears shot.

Patting his chest, she moved into the house. "I need to get a few more things ready before we head out."

Just then, a knock came to the door. Alicia looked at the time. "Who could possibly be here at eight in the morning?"

The answer was Owen. "Morning everyone. I brought bagels," he announced placing a bag on the counter. Will moved past him and headed upstairs. Zach reached into the sack taking two bagels out.

Alicia poured another cup of coffee and reached across the counter to hand it to Owen, noticing the obvious smirk on his lips and look in his eye.

"What?" she asked.

"Oh nothing."

"Owen," she said, a bit exasperated, rolling her eyes.

"He's probably imagining how the dirty handprints got on your pajama bottoms," Zach said, spreading some cream cheese on his bagel.

"The what?" Alicia turned her head looking down at her hip.

"Dad did it, when he kissed her a few minutes ago."

"Mmhm." Owen nodded. "Was it a quick kiss, or were you being subjected to one of their _moments_ of spousal affection?"

"Our what?" Alicia didn't know whether to laugh, or pretend to be upset.

"You know sis, I'm sure there are things Zach will miss when he goes to college. But one of them probably won't be seeing you and Will kiss a thousand times a day."

Zach chuckled, Alicia rolled her eyes again. "That may be. But I'm glad he's grown up with a good, healthy marital relationship as an example. Very different from what you and I had."

"Yes, but you have to give Mom a little credit. She's stuck with Bill for six years now."

Alicia agreed, handing Zach a glass of juice. She had to admit she was pleasantly surprised that her mother had stuck with her marriage. In April they'd all had dinner together to celebrate Bill and Veronica's anniversary. The couple wouldn't be joining the rest of them over the weekend because they were overseas on one of their excursions.

Grace entered the kitchen, obviously still waking up, and sat down on a stool next to her brother.

"Are you two sure you don't want to ride in the boat to the house with your Dad and I?" Alicia asked, moving the bag of bagels in front of Grace.

"Mom, what happened to your pants?" Grace asked, eyeing the handprints left by Will.

"Dad," Zach responded.

Grace just nodded, reaching into the bag.

"Enough about my pants." Alicia sighed.

"Yes, we want to ride with Owen. It will take twice as long to get there in the boat." Zach finally answered his mother's question.

They'd rented a large lake house in Michigan for a few days. Father's Day was Sunday. Julia and Alicia thought it would be a fun way to celebrate, and force their husbands to put aside work for a few days. Kurt, Diane, Will's mother, and Owen were all joining them.

Five years ago, after Alicia had suggested Will take some sailing lessons, he decided to do it. He'd gotten quite good at it. They had spent many lazy summer Sunday afternoons in recent years out on the lake. Will had rented his usual boat for the weekend. He and Alicia would take it from Chicago to Michigan. The house they'd all rented was right on the lake and had a dock where they could anchor the boat when it wasn't in use.

/

That afternoon they set out across the dark blue waters of Lake Michigan together. Just an hour out, Will was already noticeably relaxed, sunglasses on, a content smile across his lips.

They'd had many ups and downs in the past five years, but she couldn't deny she loved him more every day. They'd built a good, solid, loving relationship again in the seven years since her accident. Something she never took for granted. She was well aware of just how lucky they had been with the outcome of her amnesia and head injury. She'd met and talked to a lot of people in recent years who hadn't fared as well.

A cool, wet breeze blew through her hair, her eyes fixed on Will, her mind drifted back a month ago to a trip she'd taken to San Francisco.

- _Sighing from exhaustion, she entered her hotel room, her mind bombarded with memories from the first few months after her accident. She desperately wanted to talk to Will, but it was nearly two in the morning in Chicago. He'd be sleeping, and they'd already talked earlier in the day. If she called him now he'd only worry about her. Even if she told him a thousand times she was fine. She feared she'd probably aged him ten years with all the worry, warranted and not, he'd had to deal with since her accident._

 _She got ready for bed, but her mind wouldn't stop despite her exhaustion. She curled up in the large chair near the window, and stared out at the San Francisco skyline thinking about the productive weekend she'd just had._

 _Nearly six years ago, after a fair amount of searching, she and Will had found a few people who had suffered from amnesia similar to hers, with significant chunks of their lives forgotten. After a few months of communications between the four, they decided to start an online website and support group for individuals with amnesia and their families._

 _While the extent of the memory loss from their amnesia was very rare, there was a large number of individuals who suffered from other types of amnesia. Their website had become a place where individuals could come not only for support and a wealth of helpful information, but also a place where they could ask questions, share accomplishments, and frustrations related to their amnesia._

 _The group had grown so much over the years that the four founders had formed a committee to plan an amnesia conference. This was the reason for her trip, to finalize the conference plans. She was thrilled about everything that had come together, and hoped that this would become a yearly event._

 _It had been so helpful for her to be able to talk to other people who could understand exactly what it was like to deal with the sometimes day to day battle of memory loss. She'd gained some very close friendships through the group, as had Will. It was beneficial for him to be able to talk with other spouses and family members who understood the difficulties he encountered with Alicia's amnesia._

 _They'd both come to realize over the years how very lucky they'd been in building their relationship back to what it had been before her accident, as well as her ability to continue to work within the law._

 _This was the thing that troubled her at this late hour. The difficulties one of her close friends was having. She pulled out her phone and sent Will a text. – Call me in the morning before you go to work. –_

 _Finally thinking she could fall asleep, she stood to move to the bed as the phone vibrated in her hand. Putting it to her ear she spoke. "Why aren't you asleep? It's the middle of the night."_

 _Will chuckled. "I should ask you the same thing."_

" _It's two hours earlier here. I just got back from drinks with Jill."_

" _Is everything okay?" he asked, in a tone with a bit of concern._

" _Yes, I'm good. I just wanted to hear your voice, and…"_

" _Leesh," he said, after the long pause, sitting up in bed._

" _How did you do it? After my accident how did you deal with all of it? How did you manage to hold it all together? The kids, work, constantly running between the hospital, and home. How did you cope with all the frustration and heartache that must have come with my memory loss? Will, I sometimes wonder if I could be so strong."_

" _I…" He was tired, despite being awake, and these were loaded questions. There wasn't a simple answer to any of them._

" _You are that strong. Why do you want to know – right now? I'd rather have this conversation face to face, when we're both awake."_

" _Ed's asked Jill for a divorce. He told her he can't do it anymore. That he feels awful for leaving her in the state she's in, but he can't cope with her lack of memory. He says she's a completely different person now. Jill said that in the two years since her accident they haven't really been able to connect again. She's not interested in a lot of the same things he is now. And you know as well as I do that her head injury has given her some trouble with her short-term memory. She'll never be able to hold the job she once could."_

 _He sighed heavily on the other end of the line. "Our situation is different Leesh."_

" _But what if things had been worse? What if I had never been able to practice law again? What if my personality had changed a lot?" She was pacing the room._

" _Alicia, I'm not going to say it would have been easy. It wasn't easy. It still isn't easy sometimes. And you know now that I had days where I doubted everything. Days where I was angry at you and the damn snow storm that got us into the situation. I suppose that if I'd been unable to get past the fear, and doubt that sometimes consumed me… maybe… I don't know. The short answer to your questions is that during that first year I took everything one day at a time. There were days I was ready to give up. On those tough days I'd think about what my life would be like without you, and it was enough to knock the sense back into me._

 _I'd like to think that if your cognitive abilities had been worse it would have made no difference to me. We faced some of that with your career. As for the personality changes, we both know there were some. Alicia, we both changed. How could we not? We took what we were dealt and built a new relationship, a new life for ourselves. I'm sorry to hear about Ed and Jill. I'd be happy to talk to him if he's willing. But Leesh, I don't want you for one second to worry about this happening to us. It isn't us. We can't save every marriage. All we can do is be there for our friends if they need it."_

 _Back in the large chair, she'd wrapped a blanket around herself. Just listening to the sound of his voice was soothing. It had been even from the first few days after her accident._

" _I know you're right, and I appreciate you talking to me."_

" _You're welcome, it's the least I can do since I'm awake and can't sleep when you're not here next to me."_

 _She laughed lightly under her breath. "How did you ever get any sleep during those months I spent at the hospital?"_

" _It was pure exhaustion," he said, lightly._

 _She shook her head. They fell into comfortable silence for a few moments. Continuing to stare out the window she rested her head against the soft cushion._

" _Will,"_

" _Yeah," he said, sleepily._

" _I miss you," she said, into the darkness. She could almost see the warm smile that formed on his lips._

" _You do? It's only been two days. You'll be home tomorrow night."_

" _I know. I just wish you were here."_

" _I miss you too Leesh." he said, gently. -_

/

That night they all sat outside enjoying the warm summer evening, as the sun faded in the distance over the lake. She caught a glimpse of Will coming back out of the house, a pain stricken look on his face. He'd gotten a call twenty-minutes ago. She didn't know who it was from. Chatter and laughter that surrounded her faded into the background as she locked eyes with him. He stood still, nodding his head slightly to the side to indicate she should come.

"What's wrong?" she asked, as he took her hand leading her away from the house down to the lake.

"That was Ed on the phone," he said, once they were alone, turning to look at her. Will had been in contact with him in the past weeks. The last time Alicia had spoken with Jill she'd told her Ed had agreed to marriage counseling.

Will's hands moved to her waist, drawing her closer. "Jill overdosed on some pills last night."

Her hand went to her mouth, feeling weak in the knees, sadness clenched at her heart.

"She,"

"No," she interrupted. "Don't say it." Tears began to spill from her eyes. She knew as soon he said overdosed that Jill was dead. He didn't need to say it out loud. In that moment, she didn't want to hear it.

A fresh, cool breeze blew about them, yet she felt like she could barely breathe. She sank into his warm embrace, burying her head against his chest. His arms gathered tightly around her, his chin rested on the top of her head, and he let her cry.

Alicia had been depression free for nearly four years. But she and Will both knew there was a possibility of it returning at any point. This news was an ugly reminder of what so easily could have been, and just how fragile life was.

"She left a note," Will said, a few minutes later. "She thought it would be better for everyone if she were gone. But she mentioned how grateful she was for your friendship, and hoped you'd be able to forgive her."

She pulled away from him, turning to stare out at the vast lake before them. "Forgive her? There's nothing to forgive. A bitter consequence of the disease, if you can call it that. A disease is certainly what it feels like somedays." It came out with a hint of anger. It did make her angry, it frustrated her, all of it at times like this. The anger not directed at him, she welcomed his warm arms reaching through hers wrapping her up from behind. It was as much for her comfort as it was his.

/

She woke late into the night, bombarded with dreams that made no sense. Turning her head, she looked at Will's sleeping body, able to make out the defined lines of his back and shoulders in the dim light coming through the window. She reached her hand to his back, gentle fingers running softly in a zig-zag pattern.

Once, what now seemed like a very long time ago, he'd told her his lips had memorized every inch of her. She giggled at the time as he pressed his lips to the bare skin of her neck.

" _What good is that if your lips are the only thing that's memorized me?" she asked, feeling the warmth of his body on hers._

 _He smiled, and looked at her. "I didn't say my lips were the only thing that's memorized every inch. All of me has memorized all of you."_

She thought it a bit funny at the time, but not anymore. She'd say the same thing to him now. Even if the room had been pitch black, she still would have been able to make the defined lines of his back.

She hadn't meant to wake him – or maybe she had. He shifted beneath the sheets, and turned to look at her. "Can't sleep?" he asked, softly.

"No, and my heads hurting a bit. I was going to get up and take something before it gets worse."

Propping himself up on his elbow, he reached a hand to her arm. "Stay here, I'll get it."

She watched him wander into the bathroom out of sight. There had been a significant decline in her migraines over the years, but when one did hit, it tended to be awful if she didn't catch it soon enough. About eight months ago she'd landed in the hospital, unable to get the migraine and accompanying symptoms under control. The thought brought on another memory from her San Francisco trip the previous month.

 _\- She woke early in the morning with a throbbing migraine. So bad in fact she'd barely managed to make it out of bed to get to the bathroom. Nausea and pain consumed her whole body. Why couldn't this have waited twenty-four hours until I was home again? she thought, barely making it back to the bed where she collapsed in chills and excruciating pain._

 _Two hours later, her medication hadn't seemed to have any effect._

 _By noon, when she was supposed to be checking out of the hotel, and heading to the airport, she couldn't even stand long enough to change into a clean pair of clothes. She called Will._

" _I reserved the hotel for one more night. But I need you to change my flight. There's no way I can get on a plane today." She was trying to play the severity of the migraine down, but it was difficult. What she really wanted was to be home and in her own bed. She would have given her right arm at that point for a back massage from him. They always helped ease her pain._

" _I'll change the flight. But are you sure you'll be okay?" He was a little worried not being able to see her condition for himself. What she was describing sounded very similar to the symptoms that had landed her in the ER the previous fall._

" _Yes. I just need to sleep it off. I'm sure I'll be much better in a few hours. I'll call you tonight."_

 _The sound in her voice did nothing to ease his concern. He told her to call Jill if she decided she needed medical attention._

" _Will, I'll be fine." Once again trying to play off how much she was hurting._

 _She was miserable for two more hours, but eventually the pain subsided enough allowing her to fall into a deep sleep._

 _She woke hours later to the darkened room. Her head still hurting, but nothing like what it had been in the morning. The nausea was gone, but she felt weak. She hadn't eaten all day, and what had been left in her stomach from the day before had long been emptied out on her few trips to the bathroom._

 _Reaching for her phone she looked at the time. Seven O'clock. She remained there contemplating what to do. She needed some water, she should probably try and eat something. Sighing her gaze turned to the empty bottle of water on the table as her phone rang._

"Will?"

" _How are you feeling now?" he asked._

" _I just woke up a few minutes ago. My heads still hurting some, and my body is weak. But I'll be fine by tomorrow. Did you get my flight changed?"_

" _Yes."_

 _She could hear a lot of background noise on his end of the line. "Where are you?"_

 _He chuckled. "Do you have enough energy to get out of bed and open the door for me, or should I get another key to the room while I'm down here in the lobby?"_

 _Not fully awake, and a bit groggy from the medication, it took her a few moments to register his words. "You're here?"_

" _Yes"_

" _But how?"_

 _He laughed again. "I caught a flight late this afternoon."_

 _Opening the door to let him in she threw her arms tightly around his neck, collapsing into his embrace. The comfort she felt, his arms around her, the warmth of his body next to hers would never get old._

 _Tears streaming down her cheeks she pulled back and looked at him. "You didn't have to come."_

" _Yes, I did. I was worried you might be headed for another trip to the ER. And I didn't want you to have to do that alone."_

 _She understood, and had honestly wondered earlier in the day if she was going to have to figure out how to get herself to a hospital. Despite the fact that in many ways it was ridiculous for him to have come all this way just for one night, simply because he was worried, she was enormously grateful to have him there._

 _They moved further into the room. A little dizzy, she sat down on the bed. He sat next to her draping his arm over her shoulders._

" _Now, how are you really feeling?"_

" _A lesser degree of awful. But better now that you're here." She rested her head on his shoulder."_

He sat on the edge of the bed handing her a pill and a glass of water. After drinking, she set the glass on the bed side table next to her.

"Take your shirt off. Let me rub your back for a few minutes," he offered.

"Will, it will be fine," she protested, feeling guilty for waking him in the first place.

"I'm sure it will. But I'm awake, and it always seems to help."

The thought of his warm hands on her bare skin left little room for her to protest. She'd been tired, and emotionally drained when they'd gone to bed hours ago, but now simply being held within his arms didn't seem enough to bring the comfort she suddenly longed for.

She nodded, pulling off the soft cotton tank top, and smiled as she turned her back to him. She hadn't missed the look in his eye. The past few days he'd barely been able to keep his hands off her. As his hands worked out some of the knots, her mind wandered back to that first awkward day, long before they'd made love to each other for the first time again, when he'd been dreaming about her, and later admitted to her that he simply had days where he couldn't keep her out of his mind.

One thing for certain was that he always made her feel wanted, loved and nothing less than beautiful. Even more evident when a cluster of days periodically rolled around and he'd send her little seductive text messages, even if he was only ten feet away in his office. Or he'd sometimes ask if she'd have _lunch_ with him. On days like these he'd join her in the shower before work. Or insist on taking her clothes back off after she'd dressed for the day. And if there hadn't been time for it in the morning – or even if there had – he'd want to make love to her at night for as long as their tired bodies would allow. She usually welcomed it, and certainly understood. She had days where she felt the same burning desire for him.

His warm hands moved to her neck one last time before he leaned closer. Threading his arms under hers, his fingers brushed along her skin until they reached her breasts, as his lips touched her neck just below her ear. An audible sigh escaped her mouth, turning her head to press a fervent kiss to his lips. She turned for better access to him, gently pressing him down onto the bed. This, being this close to him, was the comfort she needed.

/

The following evening, she sat outside on the patio comfortably next to Will, his arm draped across her back, surrounded by the people she cared for most. The only one missing was her mother. These were the people who had helped reshape and bring back stability and meaning to her life over the years.

Will leaned closer placing a soft kiss in her hair. She gently squeezed his hand as Julia came back out of the house, having just put their rambunctious preschooler to bed. She sat down, Josh on one side, Alicia on the other and handed Alicia a small paper sack.

Alicia eyed her curiously opening it up glancing at its contents. She laughed under her breath, a few tears slipped from her eyes, at the small gesture.

"How did you manage to find these?" Inside the sack were chocolate covered cinnamon bears.

Julia chuckled. "I took Olivia shopping this afternoon after her nap, while you were all out on the lake. There's a great little candy shop on main street."

Genuinely touched by the gesture, she reached over and gave her friend a hug. "Thank you," she said, quietly. She'd done her best to push aside the sadness that had come the night before. After waking late in the morning, her headache gone, she'd been pretty successful at it. But Julia had seen fit to make sure Alicia knew she was aware of her best friend's pain.

"You're welcome. I figured the wine we had out here was a suitable substitute for the other, under the circumstances."

Alicia agreed. The exchange had gone unnoticed by the other adults caught up in conversation, all but Will. Looking over Alicia's head he mouthed his own silent thank you to Julia.

Alicia hadn't ever remembered the night that began the wine, and chocolate cinnamon bear tradition. But she'd read about it, and Will had explained the supply of wine in the basement. Alicia decided to keep up the tradition with Julia. A few months after Olivia was born, she'd called Alicia in tears. She was exhausted because the baby wasn't sleeping, Josh was working impossibly long hours, and Ethan was having some trouble at school.

Alicia showed up on her doorstep an hour later with dinner, wine, and cinnamon bears in hand. Told Julia to go take a long shower, and nap. She did both, while Alicia tended to the baby and Ethan. Late that night the two sat on the couch, wineglasses in hand, sharing the candy.

As it grew darker, Alicia noticed Will's attention focused on something near the dock. "What are you staring at?" Her gaze followed the direction he pointed his finger. Almost out of sight on the water's edge were three lounge chairs. Grace, Zach and Ethan had been down there talking and throwing rocks into the lake. It was Grace's hand entwined with Ethan's that had caught Will's attention.

"What are they doing?" Will whispered in her ear. "Where's Zach?"

Alicia couldn't help but laugh a little at the clear bewilderment, and slight anxiousness in her husband.

"They're holding hands, Will." The comment caught the attention of the other adults.

"Yes, but they aren't,"

"Yeah, they are Dad." Zach appeared and sat down next to his father. "They decided they liked each other a few weeks before school got out." He took a sip of his soda. "I guess they decided not to worry about what their parents would think about them dating."

Alicia chuckled some more. It was too adorable. Will clearly didn't know what to think about his little girl holding the hand of a boy. Grace had lots of friends, many of whom were boys. But up until now she hadn't shown much interest in being anything but friends with them.

"That, or they didn't think they'd be seen down there in the dark," Diane commented.

Alicia could almost see the rush of new thoughts that ran through Will's mind at the mention of them in the dark. She, Julia, and even Josh seemed excited at the prospect of their children dating. It was clearly going to take Will a bit longer to get used to the idea. Not because he didn't like Ethan, but because his little girl was definitely growing up.

"Do you ever feel like we aren't the ones in control anymore?" he whispered, quietly to Alicia.

Laughing a bit under her breath, she placed a reassuring hand on his knee. "Every single day!"

Late that night, Alicia gazed out the window of their room down to the patio where Grace and Will were still talking. When everyone had decided to head for bed, Grace had lingered and offered to help Will make certain the boat was secure for the night.

Watching the two of them warmed her heart. He was an excellent father, and the relationship he had with Grace reminded her so much of the one she'd had with her own father.

She could hear Grace's laughter through the glass, and watched as she wrapped her arms tightly around Will's neck before coming in.

When Will didn't appear in their room a few minutes later, Alicia moved back to the window. He was still sitting outside staring into the darkness.

She opened the window. "Were you planning on sleeping there tonight? Or were you going to come in and keep my bed warm?"

She heard the low chuckle as he turned to look up at her. "I'm coming to bed," he said, shaking his head as he made his way towards the house.

He was quiet as they got into bed, and turned out the lights. She moved close resting a hand on his chest. He stared up at the ceiling. "Did you ask her about Ethan?" Alicia peered up into his eyes.

"I didn't have to. It was the first thing she said to me once we got to the boat." He chuckled. "She was worried about what you and Julia would think. Not realizing I was the one she probably should have been worried about."

"What did you tell her?"

He sighed. "I told her I liked Ethan, and that if she wanted to date him, she should."

"I'm sure that meant the world to her. She loves you so much."

He turned beneath the sheets to look at her. "I love her too. I want her to be happy. Even if that means I have to deal with a stomach full of knots over the idea that he may kiss her. Or someday leave her with a broken heart."

She reached her arm across his waist. "You're a good father," she said, softly leaning closer to his face.

"Hopefully as good a husband?" he countered.

"The best," she breathed, leaning in for a kiss.

As she fell into sleep she thought about her plans for the following day. The days meant to celebrate Will had become some of her favorite. It meant he had to accept the extra attention and fuss made over him. She knew he didn't much care, he'd be just as happy without a birthday or Father's Day. But it gave her an opportunity to spoil him. She had what she hoped would be a great surprise for him. Maybe even the score a little. _No,_ she thought. That score would never be even, and it wasn't a contest anyway.

/

Just beginning to wake he was only vaguely conscious of the smells coming from the kitchen, and hadn't heard Alicia enter the room again, but enjoyed the warmth of her body as she climbed back into bed next to him. Threading her arm under his, her hand reached his chest as her lips pressed soft kisses along his cheek and down his neck. He contemplated remaining just like that allowing her to seduce him awake for as long as he could get away with. When her hand slid expertly down his side to his hip an audible little moan escaped his lips.

"Mmm," he mumbled. "One of my favorite ways to wake up."

He turned to his back, his brown eyes meeting hers. He reached a gentle hand to her cheek. He lived for these moments when time allowed. The few minutes in between sleep and having to get out of bed when he could look at her, be with her, and pretend they were the only living things on the planet.

"Happy Father's Day my love,"

"Thank you," he said, reaching his hand gently to pull her on top of him.

"There's breakfast for you downstairs. I made your favorite pancakes."

It struck him sometimes how in so many ways things between them had never changed. Like her making his favorite breakfast on Father's Day. Yet, it was startling to think about all the changes they'd gone through to get back to this point in their relationship.

"I can't wait," he said, quietly, staring into her eyes.

She leaned closer pressing a quick kiss to his lips before rolling off him to get out of bed again.

"Everyone has plans this afternoon before we barbeque tonight." She turned to face him holding some clothes she'd just taken from her suitcase. "Maybe you and I could take the boat out?" She raised a brow to him. "It's been a while since we've had it all to ourselves."

He chuckled, pulling himself up on his elbow. "You know, I sometimes wonder if you like the boat more than I do."

"We can stay here if you'd rather."

He got out of bed and walked to her, wrapping his arms around her. "I'd love to spend the afternoon with you on the boat – alone."

"Good. I'll pack us a lunch," she said, touching his arm, and kissing his cheek.

"No, there's a restaurant I read about last night in one of those tourist magazines. It would be good for lunch. It's up in Grand Haven. We'll take the boat up there, and we can walk the boardwalk out to see the lighthouse."

She nodded approvingly, and pulled away from him to get dressed for the day. "Diane wants to talk to us before they head out for the afternoon."

He furrowed his brow. "Did she say what about?"

"No. I'm sure it's just that she thought about something else work related she needs to discuss before they leave on their trip."

Pulling on his pants, he caught her gaze again. She'd been giving him that look with her big hazel eyes, and long lashes, all morning. A look that would have him at his knees in seconds if she asked. "I'm jealous of them," he admitted. "I know it's silly, they deserve the break. She deserves the break. But the thought of spending time with you in Italy makes me weak in the knees."

She blushed, and laughed lightly under her breath, moving in front of him. "Admit it Mr. Gardner, the thought of spending time alone with me, no matter where the vacation, makes you weak in the knees." Her hands rested gently on his shoulders. Her every touch today seemed to light him with fire.

"Yes." He pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head. "But it's only because I kinda like you."

She giggled pulling from his embrace. "I kinda like you too."

/

They sat together with Kurt and Diane opposite them. Something was going on, and it wasn't just related to a case Diane needed them to keep track of while she was gone.

"You know the last time you two sat across from us looking like this it was to tell us you were getting married," Will said.

Diane smiled moving her hand to Kurt's knee. "Well this has to do with Kurt and me. In September I'd like to cut back to part-time for a year, and then retire."

A mix of emotions rushed through Will at the mention of her retiring, shock, elation, nervousness, happiness. He'd worked with Diane for twenty-six years. She was a mentor, a friend, his business partner, even something close to his mother at many points. She'd been there on the happiest day of his life, the day he'd married Alicia. The scariest, the day he'd found Alicia unconscious in the bathtub, and the saddest, the day Kate had died. Diane was a permanent fixture in his life. Her retiring didn't mean any of these things would end. They were all close, and it would remain that way. But it would take some getting used to not seeing her at work everyday.

There was a silence that filled the room, not from frustration, but sheer shock. Will and Alicia had joked several times over the years that Diane would still be running the firm long after they retired.

"You two don't need me anymore," Diane said, leaning forward.

"Of course we need you!" Alicia said. "You're part of our family."

"And I'll always be that. But I'm getting older. I want to spend more time with Kurt. You two understand better than anyone that every moment spent together means something and shouldn't be taken for granted. You don't need me to keep the firm together. I put all my eggs in one basket seventeen years ago when I chose you two as partners. And I've not been disappointed. It was the best business decision I ever made. Alicia is fully capable of taking on my clients." She said it with a slight upturn of the corner of her lips, glancing at Will. She'd always teased him this way.

"And I'm not capable?" he said, with a grin

She looked at him over the brim of her glasses, just as she'd done a million times over the years. "You are. But she's the better lawyer."

They all laughed. It had been an ongoing thing amongst the three partners, each claiming to be the better lawyer at various times during their years together. When one of them won a case they'd sometimes claim to the be the best lawyer of the three, knowing full well the title could easily taken from them the next week.

Will glanced at Alicia. "She probably is," he admitted. "We're happy for you Diane."

"Thank you. We can work out all the details when I get back. But I thought you should know my plans."

/

After a leisurely lunch at a restaurant with waterfront seating, they walked hand in hand along the wood planked catwalk on the pier towards the lighthouse.

"In a few more years, with both the kids in college, we can do this whenever we want," he commented, squeezing her hand. "I'll talk Steve into selling me the boat. He hardly uses it anymore, and we rent it from him more often than anyone else."

Moving to the railing at their side, she turned to face him. "You don't need to talk Steve into selling you the boat." A breeze blew her hair in her face. He reached his hand to move it aside. She wrapped her arms around his neck. "As of Friday afternoon, the boat belongs to you."

For the second time that day he didn't know what to say. Filling with shock and surprise again. "I…what do you mean it's mine?"

"Ours technically. I bought the boat from Steve. It's the one you like best. We haven't been on a different one for three years. So, I asked if he had any interest in selling last summer. I've been making monthly payments towards the purchase. I transferred the last lump sum to him Thursday night."

He couldn't believe it. "But how did you manage to slide that much money past me for an entire year?" This, he was definitely curious about. Certainly he would have noticed that kind of money being withdrawn from one of their savings accounts each month.

Her smile only grew wider. "I took the money from the trust my father left for me. That's why I waited until today to tell you. I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate the memory of my father, than by using his gift to me for the father of my children. The man who's given me everything. A beautiful fulfilling life…a man who's given me his entire heart and soul…My best friend…The love of my life."

He'd been so afraid seven years prior that she'd never feel any of these things for him again, that it sent a wave of contentment through him whenever she said these things now. "I don't know what to say, Leesh," he said, still a little speechless.

"Just tell me your happy, and that I didn't make a huge mistake in assuming you'd want this."

He wrapped her up in his arms and lifted her off the ground spinning her around once. "I'm happy, Leesh. Really, really, happy."

They spent the rest of their leisurely afternoon on the boat exploring the waters some more. On their way back, they anchored in a cove where they simply sat aboard enjoying each other's company, and shared a celebratory drink in honor of the boat that now belonged to them, and the news that the firm would solely belong to them in little more than a years' time.

"Is this what it felt like the first time when Diane asked us to start the firm with her?"

Shifting so he could rest his head in her lap he looked up into her eyes. "Yeah, I suppose it is."

She ran her fingers smoothly through his hair. They talked some more about the firm. The possibility of losing a few clients, and about keeping the firm name as it was, in honor of Diane.

It was the perfect afternoon spent alone together.

That night after cleaning up, and dousing the fire that had been used for roasting marshmallows, she took his hand intending to go into the house. Instead, he turned her in the opposite direction, leading her back to the dock.

"Did you forget something?" she inquired, as they stepped onto the boat.

He turned resting his hands on her hips. "No," he whispered, in her ear, his breath against the bare skin of her neck caused goosebumps to form. Having this effect on her sent a rush of fire through him. "I want to make love to you here. Before she could respond his mouth was on hers pressing a fervent kiss to her lips.

Sighing into the kiss she reached for the hem of his shirt, breaking the kiss only long enough to pull it off over his head.

Moments later she pulled away, and began removing her own shirt. He reached for her hand, stopping her. They moved below deck to the larger of the rooms where the bed was.

Again, she attempted to remove her clothing while he turned down the bedding, but he stopped her. "I want to undress you."

And he did. Taking his time removing each garment, kissing the bare skin that appeared as he did, causing pleasurable moans, and sighs to escape her mouth.

So soft and perfect in his hands he laid her gently on the bed. His hands moved up her body until he reached her breasts. She moaned loudly as his lips kissed each one. He meant to pleasure her for a very long time tonight.

They tossed and turned moving freely just as the waves below them. Her hands and lips working magic on his body. Him doing the same to her in return. He watched as she fell over the edge the first time, skin flushed, eyes clenched, feeling her body tighten around his fingers that had brought her to this point. The sight of her like this would never get old.

She met his gaze again with lustful fire in her eyes. She pulled him towards her smashing her lips against his, her fingers digging into the skin of his back. Placing his hands on her hips he flipped her over on top of him, where she pleasured him some more.

Sometime later, unable to handle it any longer, he locked eyes with her. Their bodies so familiar with each other he didn't need to say anything. She lowered herself onto him and began to move faster and faster until they reached the point where their bodies and souls were one, riding out the wave of ecstasy together.

Breathless, she collapsed onto him. Gathering her in his arms he turned them to their sides. "I don't know how it's possible, but we seem to get better at this every time," he mused.

She laughed, her dark hair spread out on the pillow. "It's all the years of practice. You're bound to get better at something you do over and over."

Later, wrapped together in a blanket, they sat up on deck gazing at the stars in the vast sky above them. She curled closer to him resting her head against his shoulder.

"I can't imagine being any happier than I am right now," he said.

"Me either. But I know from experience that we'll say the same thing ten years from now, and it will be even better than this. I'll love you more then, than I do now, and that's hard to imagine.

"I love you Leesh."

"I love you more."

"Impossible," he whispered, against her ear.

"No, because I'll love you through eternity and back again."

He laughed against the skin of her neck, brushing a kiss on her cheek. "Then I guess we'll have to call it even, because I'll love you forever, and back again."

Theirs was a love, new every day, yet as old as time. Born from a look exchanged at a pool party, and molded through the years by all the moments that had made up their lives together. Some had said the day they married that their relationship was like a fairytale. To this they would both laugh now and say that what they had, was just life – and it was enough.

 _ **The End**_


End file.
